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Social media updates about birth...

(129 Posts)
MrsMargoLeadbetter Wed 12-Jun-13 12:26:11

Has anyone else requested that family members don't post on social networks before we (the parents) do about the birth of DC?

I have politely mentioned to DB & DBIL as they are likely to know it is happening. Being single men with no interest in kids I am concerned about their lack of empathy re this. DBIL already took to Twitter before my 12 scan hmm.

DB has taken offence. I have to say my relationship with him isn't straightforward/that good, so it is probably more indicative of that, but I don't think it is an unreasonable thing for us to request...?

FoofFighter Wed 12-Jun-13 12:27:29

I will be yes as I have certain family members that cannot access the net 24/7 that I want to know first before it goes public. (son in the Army)

Same applies for pics, we are to put the first pics up, nobody else.

SourSweets Wed 12-Jun-13 12:29:41

Absolutely not unreasonable, he has no right to take offence! I had to request the deletion of lots of Facebook updates when I announced after our 12 week scan so will be asking for no announcements that don't come from us. You're well within your rights.

Finallygotaroundtoit Wed 12-Jun-13 12:33:29

What rights SourSweets? I don't think anyone can control twitter or FB

MrsMargoLeadbetter Wed 12-Jun-13 12:37:01

Thanks for the reassurance.

As I said it probably to do with other stuff with DB and maybe he is upset that I think he'd post something when he knows he wouldn't etc.

To be fair he hasn't posted anything about my pregnancy, but I kinda of thought that as the most prolific social media users I'd rather say something than not and risk being upset if they then do post stuff.

I have experienced a few friends with poorly newborns, so just want to ensure all is ok before it goes online etc.

Thanks again.

Bejeena Wed 12-Jun-13 12:43:01

Of course it is not unreasonable!

We have actually gone one step further and neither have we announced the pregnancy on facebook ourselves or 'allowed' family or friends to do so on our facebook pages. It is not for the whole online world to know.

However I posted an article about sport and pregnancy the other day so some people might be guessing.

We have just told everyone we want to know personally so there is no need for it to be on facebook.

Redtractoryellowtractor Wed 12-Jun-13 12:44:24

what is the reason that they are likely to know? Do they live with you? If at all possible you could try to limit them knowing by just not letting on, or is this absolutely impossible?

Bejeena Wed 12-Jun-13 12:47:24

I should add family/friends can post whatever they want on their own facebook pages so if my brother wants to 'announce' the birth of his nephew on his status then he can - but only him and his friends see that, it is true about people not being able to control what others post. I don't want it on my own page and anything posted to my page has to be approved by me first I have it in my settings.

AnythingNotEverything Wed 12-Jun-13 12:51:19

I can't believe you even have to ask. Don't people have any idea about who's news it is and therefore who should announce it?!

MrsMargoLeadbetter Wed 12-Jun-13 12:51:56

I am personally ok with posting after the birth once we have but I understand that others aren't. I always try to be sensitive about what I post on social media about other people.

My FB audience is small and only people who I am actually friends with. Not as keen on my professional (Twitter) networks being updated though and mentioned that too.

Redtractor DPs will be looking after DS whilst I having the baby & DB lives with them. And for equality DH will want to give his DF the heads up it is happening. So they are likely to find out.

I don't think they'll ignore us and post anyway and even if they do I know I cannot do anything about it! But I suppose I just wanted to avoid the situ arising if possible.

Kelly1814 Wed 12-Jun-13 13:55:26

gosh this post fills me with dread, would hate for things to be on social media without my say so!

as i am 23 weeks and have kept a very low profile this pregnancy (hardly anyone knows or even suspects i am pregnant) it may well be that some people don't even find out i ahve had a baby until WE choose to announce it. that's if we even do put it on facebook.

Dh2812 Wed 12-Jun-13 14:08:06

I'd actually go further then just your brother if you are worried. I have had a few friends who've had sisters in law and friends post announcements before they had a chance to. In these cases although I'm not friends with the Dsis or whoever, it's appeared on my news feed as they mention the mums name. I think it's totally inappropriate to announce someone else's news but some people don't share that opinion and won't respect that you may want to be the announcer so it's best to discuss in advance with friends and family.

specialsubject Wed 12-Jun-13 14:15:00

you make the rules. If you don't want announcements or photos on social media, that's fine. Just tell people what you do/don't want to happen.

Lilimum2be Wed 12-Jun-13 14:19:37

Not unreasonable at all. My bro and his gf requested the same, baby niece was born at the end of January and there are still no pics online. We were all very diplomatic and subliminal in our posts until they both announced the birth. I on the other hand am dying to tell everyone I'm expecting but bf won't let me hmm

phantomhairpuller Wed 12-Jun-13 14:24:57

Facebook and twitter are nothing but a PITA for things like this!! I put my foot in it a couple of years ago. Girl from work had a baby, I took the call from her mum (who worked with us too) to say she wouldn't be in as she'd been birthing partner and needed some sleep! Not having girls mob number I messaged her on fb to say congratulations. But being the dumbass that I am I didn't PM her, I wrote on her wall for all to see. Half her family didnt know at this point. She wasn't too pleased.

Lesson learnt wink

StuckOnARollercoaster Wed 12-Jun-13 14:35:25

Having seen versions of this thread before on MN I decided not to mention my pg on fb. Have told people in real life - and where its more of an online friendship then only mentioned in private messages rather than on public wall.

Immediate family will be told when baby is born but most are older and don't 'do' fb, so I'm hoping no one will jump the gun before I can post a birth announcement on my fb for wider friends and relatives. Well thats the theory - we'll see if it works!

cantdecideonanewname Wed 12-Jun-13 14:41:00

It's not a unreasonable to request that people let you announce the news yourselves.

I'm a bit different to you in that I don't want our babies arrival to be announced on facebook at all, we don't do facebook or twitter and have asked a relative in the past to remove a photo of my family from his facebook page, he's facebook friends with a particular person I don't want to know about me or my family but have no idea how to go about mentioning to friends/family that we don't want them to mention it on social media without us looking like we're completely mad.

spatchcock Wed 12-Jun-13 15:20:37

You're definitely not being unreasonable, OP. Social media sites have blurred the lines of privacy. Some people, like your brother, think everything is fair game.

MrsMargoLeadbetter Wed 12-Jun-13 15:33:55

Thanks for further thoughts.

It was 5 years since DS and obviously social media has become more prevelant.

A friend gave birth recently and added a request to the announcement text to pls not share on FB until they did.

Then another friend sent a text message about her baby and a friend of hers immediately took to FB to say congrats. I just thought hmm what if they haven't told everyone or don't want it shared on FB etc.

These 2 recent incidents have made me think about it.

Am sure DB will be fine, as I said I think there is probably other stuff going on.

Just glad that others agree that it isn't unreasonable.

lilstar Wed 12-Jun-13 15:41:21

I feel angry for others when I see people post about births of babies before the parents even do. I haven't posted anything on fb about being pg and don't intend to for this reason. I expect my friends and family have decency and show respect to be posting nothing about it until and IF I do.

soupmaker Wed 12-Jun-13 16:02:28

I am really sensitive to this. Having had two MC I found it very hard seeing 12 weeks scan photos put up by family and friends who got over excited when expecting. I haven't mentioned my pregnancy on FB at all.

curiousgeorgie Wed 12-Jun-13 17:37:41

My in laws did this to me. I hadn't told my brothers or best friend or grandparents yet, just both sets of parents and within an hour of having DD loads of DH's relatives had written on my Facebook wall with her name, sex, birthweight... Everything. I was gutted. FIL had phoned everyone to tell them despite us expressly saying pease don't, I remember crying that it was all over my Facebook and my DH tried to get people to delete posts but it wasn't quick enough and a friend and DH's aunt and her family even turned up at the hospital.

I'm having an ELCS this time and I'm not telling anyone when it is.

curiousgeorgie Wed 12-Jun-13 17:39:12

My poor SIL was still under general and didn't know everything was okay or the sex of her own baby and her DH posted to Facebook that they'd had a boy!! That was the worst... Waiting 9 months to find out the sex then the world knowing before you even do confused

TrudyW Wed 12-Jun-13 18:01:47

This really annoys me, I hardly even shared I was pregnant with anyone except family and close friends. Then at about 7 months, I just casually slipped it onto FB and even then noone really seemed to react much to the post. So when my son was born we had a terrible labour and complications so I didn't have a chance to announce it until he was a couple days old and when I logged into FB my SIL had updated her status announcing his arrival, name, weight and several pics of him, I was so mad, that was our job not hers! She will def be getting her warning not to do the same when our current bump arrives!

If you really think they are likely to post before you get a chance to, just don't tell them when you're in labour/give birth. Their choice to choose to be stroppy with you, their choice not to be informed when the time comes.

Bazoo23 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:23:28

When I gave birth to my daughter I suffered a second degree tear. As I was being stitched up my bf nipped out to ring his mum and sis and let them know.

Literally as I was having stitches my phone started going with congrats messages. One from my best friend of 11 years :-( SIL had bizarely taken it upon herself to announce OUR news on FB. I was fucking fuming. DD was literally minutes old. I hadnt even told my dad and it sounds pathetic but she could have ruined that "moment" for me.


NonnoMum Fri 19-Jul-13 21:28:05

De-activate FB account around the time of your due date. Then no one can send you congratulatory messages...

After the birth, try and have a good half hour (or more) just for you and DP and baby.

Then, when you DO announce, add that you don't want people to know until you have told them.

And your brother sounds somewhat immature...

CylonNumber6 Fri 19-Jul-13 21:34:40

You can change your privacy settings so that you have to approve any posts that you are tagged in. I would highly recommend doing this for you and DH as a plan b. I can't quite remember how to do it but if you look under privacy settings it should be in there.

That way if your DB does post something it will only appear on his wall and not yours, unless you choose to approve the post.

You can also block ppl from posting on your wall too.

My pg is going nowhere near fb!!! Cousin once requested that no pg posts were made on her wall and I thought it was very sensible and everyone respected her wishes.

Bodicea Fri 19-Jul-13 22:15:11

Have a real bee in a bonnet about this sort of thing as found out my grandmother had died via my sisters facebook update. She and my aunty were in a different time zones to me so both had already posted about it while I was still asleep. I was so upset. Cant believe people post about such sensitive things.
So I will be making sure that everyone is clear that this is my job to post about the arrival of baby. Have already had to get someone to remove a public conversation about my pregnancy before I put anything myself on FB.
I only said something myself when there were some photos of me tagged looking very obviously pregnant.

FraggleRock77 Sat 20-Jul-13 00:45:13

Gosh, i really hate FB and i am not a member. I would be so annoyed if someone posted about my baby on it, full stop. confusedX

halestone Sat 20-Jul-13 01:27:21

We sent everyone text messages when we had DD but asked them not to put anything on fb until we did as we wanted to tell DSD face to face. Everyone respected our wishes.

retroelle Sat 20-Jul-13 06:02:32

I switched off my "wall" in early pregnancy, so that no-one could publicly message me until I had told everyone I wanted to. And did the thing above where you have to approve tags. I will probably do the same when it comes to birth time. I am keeping this pregnancy low key, but a friend keeps commenting on my non-preg related posts with thing like "bet you wish you could get drunk and have some brie lol" which is immensely irritating.

VinegarDrinker Sat 20-Jul-13 06:29:51

My brother "announced" DD's arrival on FB before we did. Tbf he has SEN and we should have made it explicit in advance that we would rather he didn't.

Themobstersknife Sat 20-Jul-13 06:37:52

Bodicea - really sorry to hear that. That is horrible.

Re the birth thing, not being goady, but genuinely, does it really matter? Why does it matter who announces it. People are just excited. Can understand you wouldn't want your mates ringing you whilst you are being stitched up and I feel for the person whose DH told the world the sex of the baby before they knew because they were under general. But generally, I am not sure why it would bother you. I think the news of both my girls births hit facebook before I could post anything - I had a general and a tough recovery so wasn't really worrying about fb updates. I was pleased people were as excited as we were.

ArabellaBeaumaris Sat 20-Jul-13 06:45:55

I agree with themobstersknife fwiw. We texted family when dd2 was born & they both put it on FB, which I realised when I got texts from a few mutual friends before we sent out the general announcements in the morning. Doesn't bother me.

Bazoo23 Sat 20-Jul-13 07:55:35

Because I wanted to tell my dad he was a granddad myself, he would have been so hurt if one of his workmates saw it on fb anf told him.

Neither me or bf have fb which I think makes it all the more irritating.

Themobstersknife Sat 20-Jul-13 10:52:46

No I get that Bazoo but how on earth would it end up on Facebook, if neither of you are on there, before telling your dad? Surely you would ring your parents first, and unless one your parents posted on Facebook, I am not sure how it would get out there before you rang. And surely the chances of a workmate seeing it and telling your dad before you rang is pretty remote.

The op is about wanting to be the first one to post on facebook and I don't get why it is important.

Bazoo23 Sat 20-Jul-13 11:53:59

My SIL put it on FB so a lot of my friends who are on FB saw it. My dad was at work at the time and he works with a lot of people who know me therefore know partner and SIL. We live in a teeny village so actually the chances of him being told were pretty high. A well meaning congratulations.

Like I say my partner and I dont have FB so I dont see why SIL thought she had the right to announce it. Its not her baby or her news. She even put "pics to follow!!"

Over my dead body. Idiot.

HaroldLloyd Sat 20-Jul-13 11:55:13

DPs friend put it on his Facebook whilst I was still being stitched! He had called him.

notso Sat 20-Jul-13 12:19:36

I really don't understand this.
Surely you tell the people you want to know first um...first.
My Dad was on nights when DD was born so we didn't phone anyone until we knew he'd be home.
Why people have to make official announcements all over the place is baffling to me having a facebook page doesn't make you important.
How dare people congratulate you before you have decreed it time to congratulate!

Hulababy Sat 20-Jul-13 12:23:14

Have to say that I don't need asking. When my sister has her baby - was due yesterday - there no way I'd posted online til after she had done so already. I'd tell good friends (who dsis knows but not closely ) but not publicly and online. Yes I'm excited but its her news to publish not mine.

Bazoo23 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:25:09

Dp let his sister know as she is family..?

Didnt think shed splash it all over FB.

Bazoo23 Sat 20-Jul-13 12:27:33

Was waiting till I was stitched up to ring my dad - would have felt a bit odd otherwise!

cravingcake Sat 20-Jul-13 13:16:30

My family live all over the world so time differences can be a real issue. My DS arrived at 3am so obviously we didn't phone our family and friends here but did phone the ones where it was the middle of the day. News spread pretty fast through my family and I had a few congratulations messages from cousins and aunties posted while I slept. I was a bit annoyed that I hadnt been able to announce it myself but didn't lose sleep over it. I certainly don't ever mention things until others do.

I found out one of my close friends had her baby as her sister posted within minutes of being told (in massive capital letters and everything) and they have a relative who was serving in Afgan at the time and they obviously wanted to tell him first. I saw the post and quickly phoned the husband to tell him (and congratulate them) and the post by the sister was removed rather promptly.

VivaLeBeaver Sat 20-Jul-13 13:32:33

As a midwife I see how fast the news spreads and Facebook is often to blame. New mum rings a sister or friend to tell them and then that person puts it on FB.

Its not unusual for me to be suturing someone's perinieum while they're fielding calls and texts on their mobile. I have had to ask women to put the phone down and stop talking while I finish delivering the placenta.

Champagnebubble Sat 20-Jul-13 14:19:39

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Bazoo23 Sat 20-Jul-13 14:34:49

Viva I think you may have been my midwife!.:-D haha

ch1134 Sat 20-Jul-13 14:57:12

I'm due my 12 week scan this week and haven't told anyone yet, but when I do it will be under strict instruction not to mention anything on fb - some things are private, plus I wouldn't want people finding out this way. I also want to keep baby's privacy, and want very few photos of them at all on the world wide web

muppetthecow Sat 20-Jul-13 15:19:47

I had a four day, labour with DS, and to save having to call/fielding calls from the various family members who were badgering us wanted to know what was going on DH sent a group text every time there was a significant development. Unbeknownst to us, MIL was then updating her fb with the same thing. There were umpteen posts saying things like "She's been admitted" or "Having to have epidural now as they may have to do an EMCS". She then left a final post to say something like: "She's being stitched up now after quite a nasty tear. Baby's doing well but I'll leave it up to the proud parents to tell you what they've had!" I think between me, DH and my mum, she was pretty lucky to survive the first few days of DS's life!

CylonNumber6 Sat 20-Jul-13 15:32:21

Oh my gods that's awful!

AidanTheRevengeNinja Sat 20-Jul-13 15:35:32

Totally reasonable request.

It's your news to share with who you choose, when you are ready.

I have a Facebook account but didn't use it to "announce" anything. Family got phone calls, then close friends got a bcc'd email with a photo about 3 days after the birth.

MangoDaiquiri Sat 20-Jul-13 17:20:46

Totally reasonable. When I had DD1 3 years ago some family members posted my news of my DD's arrival (we were team yellow) and her name before I was out of the hospital! I didn't mind too much but was slightly disappointed.
I would certainly never spoil anyone else's news in this way.

I'd probably go more along the lines of other posters about switching off / disabling FB wall and only allowing tags in photos/statuses with my approval. Saying that it's still pretty impossible to control what people might post, esp on twitter and if I had a family member discussing me being pg online before my 12 week scan then I'd be keen to avoid them doing it again when it comes to the birth.

That being said I wouldn't particularly care about being the one to post the first 'official' pics but everyone is different and if having other people post your news online before you've had a chance to do it yourself makes you uncomfortable then YANBU at all by politely asking friends & family members to refrain from posting anything until you have had a chance to do it

notso Sat 20-Jul-13 17:51:02

grin Bazoo I remember after DS3 was born, at home unassisted and we had transferred in in an ambulance DH saying to my Mum
"Yes, I'll just put her on"
Then he turned to me and saw me being sick all over myself and the midwife with her hand up my fanjo looking for the placenta and just going shock and putting the phone down on her!

Xmasbaby11 Sat 20-Jul-13 17:53:57

Your friends and relatives should know you well enough to behave as you want them to regarding your pregnancy. You need to be more open and direct with them to make it clear what you want / don't want.

Even though I and a lot of friends and relatives are on fb, I can't see anything like this happening because there are unwritten rules about not mentioning other people's business.

AlexanderinaTheGreater Sat 20-Jul-13 19:18:31

I disabled my fb wall before my daughter was due so no-one could post anything on there until we had. (I never mentioned the pregnancy on fb, so did get a lot of 'never knew you were pregnant' comments when we posted baby pics which just amused me). People could still have posted comments as their status or whatever mentioning me I guess, but I think people are less likely to do that, and it would reach less people I know.

I've seen loads of babies being 'announced' by other people's congratulations on fb and it drives me nuts - it's not their news to share. Twitter I guess you have even less control over - I don't use it so don't know if there's a way of taking yourself temporarily offline so people can't tag you.

Bazoo23 Sat 20-Jul-13 19:25:59

Notso - haha "hi mum ... OUCH ... No its just the midwife rummaging around for the placenta...so how are you?"


PenelopeLane Sat 20-Jul-13 20:11:25

I am with the other posters where it wouldn't even occur to me to mind. But then when my nephew was born a couple of years ago my other sister and I posted on FB how excited we were about him being born, and they really were posts coming from a place of love and excitement about a new addition to our family. Sis got upset as we posted before she had, and I felt really bad as I honestly hadn't thought it through and had only posted because I was so excited myself. It wasn't about trying to beat her to it or make it about me, it really was because I was giddy with excitement. She also got upset that someone wrote 'congrats aunty pene' which she thought was me making it about myself, rather than her. It was mortifying, other FB posting sis and I felt terrible that something we'd posted in love got so misconstrued. I realise now we were probably out of line, but still ...

Knowing how strongly she felt neither of us posted at all when her daughter was born later as were too worried about putting a foot wrong. Plus, knowing what had happened meant others in the family didn't either. We were all too worried about getting it wrong. In fact, now I think about it, I don't think I've ever posted about her existence as by the time I was allowed to, the iniital giddy moment had passed.

When my DS was born I didn't mind who posted when, as it didn't make the congrats that flowed in my direction any less special. I'd much rather people be like I was when my nephew was born - unguarded in their joy at my DCs birth - than like I was when my niece was born - all excitement tampered by fear of putting a foot wrong.

Namechanger430 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:05:13

People can be inconsiderate without the help of facebook - I needed to announce my pregnancy at work at 6 weeks as I have a hazardous job. I did ask that they kept it to themselves although thought at the time I was overreacting - surely no-one would say anything about such an early pregnancy... Ended up being asked about it by people I barely knew before I had told my own mother. That would have been a great way for her to find out naturally, plus would have loved speaking to all the aquaintances re my miscarriage had I had one.... So now I am extra careful who I tell what and always make my wishes clear. And OP think you are wise to do the same.

I don't think its rocket science really, news like that is clearly not for you to spread, but some people just dont seem able to grasp it.

bail16 Sat 20-Jul-13 21:12:33

I ended up taking myself off Facebook when I went into labour (I work in maternity ward and was worried friends at work would post congratulations on my wall before I'd told people). So once id told all the people I wanted to I then re-activated my account. It worked out perfect!

MsJupiterJones Sat 20-Jul-13 23:22:34

Completely reasonable, my DH's aunt & cousin decided to write congratulatory messages on fb before we'd announced it - we were trying to let family know first but the message hadn't yet got round and I then got annoyed messages from people saying oh you've had it then?! Oh it made me so grumpy. Same cousin last year put an RIP Grandad post on fb before DH & his sister knew, that's how they found out their grandfather had died. Why don't people think?

LithaR Sat 20-Jul-13 23:29:08

This reminds me so much of when I found out I was pregnant with my ds. Got out of the doctors and called my mum, telling her not to tell my gossipy sister. She ignored me and my sister posted it on facebook. I hadn't even had the chance to tell the father or my own first.

I was so crushed that any future pregnancies will be kept close to my chest until I want to announce them.

ByHecuba Sun 21-Jul-13 01:01:20

My cousin (who I haven't even seen for ten years!) did this. It doesn't take a minute to look at a new parent's facebook and think 'have they announced the news yet?' and consider whether or not they might like to be the first to do this.

We actually changed our fb settings just before DS was born because I really didn't want other people sending messages as I've seen it before and always thought it was really lousy on the new parents.

Then the day we got home we reactivated our accounts and posted a birth announcement and a couple of photos.

Some may think me a bit extreme but I'm not one for splashing my life on fb, I never mentioned my pregnancy and I've posted around 8 pics of DS and he is 11 months now.

Oscalito Sun 21-Jul-13 01:06:34

I don't understand relatives who get all breaking news about it and feel that it's their place to announce it to the world.

Yes it's exciting for you, but it's far, far more exciting for the parents - let them be the ones to announce it.

Good idea to deactivate account this time. I remember with our DS a friend came to visit, took a photo of us all in our PJs, looking knackered, then posted it on FB. My DH contacted her and asked nicely for it to be removed, and said we'd put our own photos up when we were ready. Think she was mortified and felt she'd invaded our privacy, which she had. No one needs to see that. And no one needs to hear about 'nasty tears' on FB either....

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 21-Jul-13 07:29:20

OMG - it hadn't occurred to me that this would be an issue for anyone at all but I'm an old gimmer. When ours were born your DH telephoned your parents and his parents the morning after the birth and a few close friends later and that was that until the newspaper announcements. 12 week scans on facebook - yuk. Ours are still in my bedside drawer, tucked away at the back somewhere.

MsJupiterJones Sun 21-Jul-13 08:51:44

I think if I have a dc2 I will deactivate my Wall before it's due so no one else can post on it, then once we've made an announcement reactivate it. Seems easier than deactivating my whole account.

beela Sun 21-Jul-13 09:20:25

I find it really odd when people post their 12w scans on fb - I wouldn't want people I barely know to be looking at the inside of my womb.

But perhaps that's just me grin

HMT13 Sun 21-Jul-13 09:31:44

I'm the same with the scan pics. Don't get it. It's personal. And I wouldn't be happy if someone posted about me giving birth. I will probably eventually put something on there when the baby has arrived, just as its the easiest way of letting people know. That will only be once my closest family/friends already know.

Maggietess Sun 21-Jul-13 09:33:16

It wouldn't have dawned on me to take offence about this. For each of our babies DH & I made sure we took an hour just ourselves and the baby before we told anyone.

Then we did a quick phonecall to the grandparents and picture message to our brothers and sisters. Finally a text to close friends from his phone (so I didn't get loads of calls and text replies when I was trying to seep/feed!).

After that I don't mind who announces what on Facebook. tbh I'm happy enough for anyone to do it and I'm quite pleased they are posting they are proud to be the aunties/uncles of our newest arrival! We'll probably post a photo a day or two later when we have time, but no rush.

I think people can get too uptight about this - relax and enjoy the time in the hospital when it's just you and your oh and the baby, especially if you've only got 6 hours til you go home!

ChasedByBees Sun 21-Jul-13 09:38:28

I disabled my wall but my husband rang work to say he wouldn't be in and was starting his 2 week paternity leave. I was in the post natal recovery suite when a colleague wrote congratulations on his wall.

DH hadn't disabled his wall so friends of mine that were also friends of DH found out about the birth through that.

I can't understand why some of you don't realise that that is thoughtless or unwanted.

DH told work because he had to - at that point, we'd only told our parents and siblings. For my friends to find out via Facebook made them feel 'less worthy' of receiving the news via us directly, but I was still half out of it. It was really upsetting and annoying.

josiejay Sun 21-Jul-13 09:50:48

I have seen people actually post that their friend/relative is in labour, which is even worse than a birth announcement I think.

Also bugs me when people post their own pics of someone else's wedding before the 'official' ones go up, though I realise this is probably me being a bit uptight!

Maggietess Sun 21-Jul-13 10:07:03

ChasedByBees - actually I agree with you saying that it's thoughtless of acquaintances, I think that's a bit different to people like me saying it doesn't bother us. Whilst it doesn't bother me, I can understand that not everyone feels the same and therefore I'd never post news like that on someone's wall.

I suppose my angle was in response to the op asking about their brother and bil rather than work colleagues - I do think that's a bit different to aunties and uncles posting.

Work colleagues should have a bit more foresight that perhaps they're hearing something by virtue of the fact they are your husband's work colleagues and that friends and family may not know. That's just insensitive not to realise that!

On the other hand, if I was your friend, I wouldn't be feeling any "less worthy" just because some idiot in your husband's work posted something on Facebook!

Xenia Sun 21-Jul-13 12:03:17

No need to tell family immediately of course...
We never told anyone I was pregnant until 4 or 5 months (as I was fairly small) including work, not even my parents!

ballstoit Sun 21-Jul-13 14:14:15

DBro requested no fb mentions of dniece's arrival in his announcement text, I (and the rest of the family), were happy to respect their wishes.

florencebabyjo Sun 21-Jul-13 14:36:31

What a fuss!
Good job Kate and William aren't being so precious! I can imagine all the world will know about new prince/princess before they get to tell half the people they know personally.
Should't we all just be glad we've had live births/healthy offspring without getting all melodramatic.
Does it really matter ?
Maybe being uncharitable, but it seems to me that some of us have our priorities wrong. I get the feeling such over reactions could split families in what should be a happy time.

plentyofsoap Sun 21-Jul-13 15:00:11

I had a member of my dhs family post the pics of my ds on facebook. He was in nicu and i had sent them to my fil who shared them privately with other family members. It was private and I was beyond angry. It caused alot of problems which I could have done without. Be very careful.

marriedinwhiteagain Sun 21-Jul-13 15:37:40

Agrees for once with Xenia. My DH didn't tell his work colleagues I was pg at all with DS - they found out when I told them and I certainly didn't tell mine until I could cover it up no more.

In fact when dd was born my mum phoned the hosp at about 10.30 (most unusual). DH had left at about 5.30am; and I was supposed to ring first thing but I dropped off waiting my turn for the ward coin phone. My mum thought something had gone wrong because the nurses wouldn't give her any info - and she had a massive rant about my thoughtlessness when I woke up and phoned her. I don't think I slept for more than two hours at a stretch again for about two years after that !!

With both of mine DH rang everyone on our list when our babies were born and everyone requested passed the message on, i.e. my aunt rang my grandma, my dad rang my mother (she was in hospital on an ICU ward) and his mother etc. DH rang our best friends. After that we were left alone. All the vital people had been told and offered their congrats and it didn't matter to us if they posted their congrats on FB. I don't mind other people announcing the name or gender in their congrats because all the people I wanted to know first, knew.

The other thing about all of this is sensitivities beyond just you and your OH wanting to be the ones to announce it - like other posters have mentioned sister's posting news about their pregnancies on FB before they have had a chance to tell father of the child or RIP grandad messages before everyone in family knows that grandad has passed away.

A good friend of mine was due a few months before I was with DS. Her DD was stillborn and I knew she was really grieving and upset still as my due date approached so I wanted to have the chance to text her before she saw it on FB. Similarly if you have friends who may be recovering from mcs or who are struggling with ongoing infertility, then announcing you're pg by posting up 12/20 week scans can be a little bit insensitive.

I guess it all just feeds into bigger questions about over sharing on social media...

DoJo Sun 21-Jul-13 19:02:35

I don't think it's precious to want to make your own announcement, particularly if you have close friends/family in different time zones and want to share the news with them before the world and his wife know about it. I also think that anyone who has had a difficult birth, problems with health etc probably wants a chance to deal with those before having to field well-meaning but possibly unintentionally awkward congratulations from people who they might not necessarily have chosen to share with.
I feel even more strongly about pictures as facebook reserves the right to use any pictures posted on there in any way they choose, so thinking carefully about how happy you are for everyone in the world to potentially see any images you post on there is vital.

IdaClair Sun 21-Jul-13 19:40:36

I felt quite strongly that I wanted to tell everybody myself, so nobody got to know until I was ready to tell them. A few hours after birth I had a merry time with my phone and my laptop letting everyone I wanted to know, know all at once and nobody else got to tell anyone. It was great. I don't think it's precious at all, it matters a lot. There was no way I was going to let DH tell everybody.

I don't think a single picture of the baby's face, their name and birth date announcement on FB is 'overshare'. I've lost babies and been the one grieving (and had to retract pregnancy announcements on facebook, unfortunately) does that make me more or less qualified to post up the happy news? Not sure.

I don't think it is over share either, provided it is your own news you are sharing and that you have had the chance to let important people (your partner, maybe your parents / siblings, close friends) know first. Social media blanket approach is v handy in terms of letting more distant friends, cousins, colleagues etc know about your new arrival but I'd be a bit gutted to see on FB that my sister had had a baby (for example) an hour before and I hadn't gotten to hear about it in person first!

surfingbabies Sun 21-Jul-13 20:15:08

Facebook & twitter make me twinge!!!
Only your own business should go on your wall......if ANYONE wants to announce YOUR birth they should ask u first.....only insensitive people don't ask! God it winds me up, its mainly for nosy people with no life confused
Good luck smile

karinmaria Sun 21-Jul-13 20:29:44

Oh I wish I'd done this with our friends. I had stupidly assumed I wouldn't need to considering I'd managed to keep my mum's passing away and my entire pregnancy off there but no, people bloody announced the birth before I'd managed to get hold of a couple of family members who do not text. Their kids told them because of the FB announcements my friends put up.

So frustrating. I wanted either my DH or me to announce - it seems that was merely a pipe dream...

BabyILoveYou Sun 21-Jul-13 20:45:56

DH's little cousin- who I see at funerals/ weddings- decided to announce it on Facebook. I was really upset, it was just not her place. It wasn't just 'congratulations Baby and Mr Baby on Actual Baby'- it was this really elaborate 'Welcome to the world Actual Baby, born x.x.x at 12.01' and so on.

IneedAsockamnesty Sun 21-Jul-13 20:57:58

A couple of weeks ago a friend and his wife had a baby half an hour after she was born he called family to let them know, 8 hours after she was born something went very wrong she died less than 2 hours later.

I'm sure it was very precious of them to be even more distressed (hard to imagine that anything could add to that pain but it can)by loads of public fb and twitter posts announcing the safe arrival of the baby made by others.

syl1985 Sun 21-Jul-13 21:19:37

It doesn't matter what your requests are. Everyone should respect them. If they think they're unreasonable. Their problem.

It's your pregnancy and your rules. If they're pregnant then they can decide how they want things to happen.

It's so stupid that if you're pregnant people think that they got a say in things.
Like my brother was angry on me that he wasn't the first one to know I was going to give birth.
All the time the same question if the baby wasn't born yet.

When my brother had his daughter he called everyone and at 6 in the morning. Not long after she was born we're in the hospital. They really wanted everyone to come and have a look asap.

So we did. It was nice seeing my niece so soon. Although having a phone call around 5am wasn't necessary for me.
Unlike them I never asked to get a phone call asap. So it was a surprise being awoken so early. But we went over. It felt like he really wanted everyone to be happy for them and to share their special moment.

I was happy, but at the some time I was thinking. F***ing hell, it's 5am I've got a live, you know. Someone people around here do need their beauty sleep.

But we're differently. When I've given birth I never felt the need of having visitors around. I wanted my rest and my time with the baby.
I guess he felt that that was they way he did it. So I had to do the same for him?!?!?

People for some reason can respond so weird on pregnancies and not respecting your wishes. Almost like they feel or think that our pregnancy is also their pregnancy or something?!?!?
And they've a right not to respect our wishes. Because they're a bit pregnant too....

Laptopgirl Sun 21-Jul-13 23:04:20

My BIL did announced our DC on both mine and DH fb account. I was livid as I hadn't even finished telling my immediate family! So being the bitch I am - returned the favour when they had their DC winkwinkwink

funnyperson Sun 21-Jul-13 23:24:38

It is a strange world on this thread, with the mobile going as the placenta is delivered and 12 week scans posted online.

Years ago in an Indian village the drums were beaten if it was a boy; a metal platter (thali) sounded out if it was a girl.

Was it ever the case that the mother was the first to tell the world about the baby? I don't think so. There were always those waiting with excitement outside the delivery room who would run and tell the world in whatever way was current.

So this century it is facebook. A new person is born. I find it hard to understand the possessiveness of anyone who thinks it is 'their' news. It is baby's news. Not the mother's news or the father's news or the aunt or uncle but the new person who has an identity beyond mother and father and thats why the workmates and granny and db and everyone rush to post.

I can't stand mobiles in a consulting room btw.

funnyperson Sun 21-Jul-13 23:25:38

Bring back the drums I say.

funnyperson Mon 22-Jul-13 00:30:58

Was Mary cross that the 3 kings found out by following a star?

Maggietess Mon 22-Jul-13 00:31:02

Totally agree funny person!

florencebabyjo Mon 22-Jul-13 07:39:53

funnyperson,Yes you're right. It's the age we live in and I think we all need to understand a birth is not just about the couple but also the community around them. It is natural for that community to need to share that news, a sort of primal instinct. It can also galvanise a community to support that couple as in when something does go wrong. The social networking could come into its own with offers of help.

ArabellaBeaumaris Mon 22-Jul-13 08:15:15

Totally agree with funnyperson

SummerMyArse Mon 22-Jul-13 10:24:05

sock that is so sad.

"I find it hard to understand the possessiveness of anyone who thinks it is 'their' news. It is baby's news. Not the mother's news or the father's news"

I disagree. It bloody is my news that I have given birth to my baby! I'm the one who did all the sodding work!

Fwiw I have little opinion on the whole FB/twitter thing mainly because I don't do either and have a very small circle of friends and family, most of whom don't FB or twitter either.

I phoned my parents about 2 hours after the birth (once the stitching was finished) then my DB.

DH decided to wait (DS was born at 8pm) to tell his mum because she was visiting the next day (DS was a few weeks early). So he went to collect her as usual from the station and showed her a photo of her first grandson grin It was a lovely way to announce it and yes, he would have been hurt if she'd found out from somebody else.

HawaiianSunset12 Mon 22-Jul-13 11:37:20

Following this from "discussions of the day"

I have not had children yet, but from the "other side" I was gutted when I went on facebook to discover my cousin had announced on there she had just had her baby, complete with a photo. I was expecting to be told by text, so to find out all her friends knew before I did (the status was a few hours old at this point) was gutting. The last person to see a photo of the baby was the babies own grandparents (who don't use facebook)

JRmumma Mon 22-Jul-13 12:42:57

Ill definitely be de-activating before my due date, same as i did before my wedding, and before we told friends and family we were expecting. I don't use social media for anything serious and NEVER post anything personal about myself and definitely not about others.

I don't mind if my news is shared through the grapevine, but i don't want pictures of my child on the internet at all, unless i decide to share any. Once you post something on the web you lose all control over it. I think most social media users would do well to remember this in general.

OhDearNigel Mon 22-Jul-13 13:00:26

stick it on an easel crown take photo and post to your own FB

Bertrude Mon 22-Jul-13 14:39:20

hawaiian I've been the same with a recent pregnancy announcement from one of my closest friends growing up. Our families did everything together and we're all still very close despite me living abroad. With their first, I got a phone call before anything went online, same with first baby's birth. I spotted a couple of weeks ago that his wife is now pregnant with number 2. I was gutted. I rang my mum (good friends with his mum) and she said oh crap, I said I'd ring an tell you and I forgot. I then looked like the horrid person for not congratulating them before that point!

But yes, live birth updates on FB do my tree in. There's far too much 'OMG I think that was a contraction'. 'OMG I'm 3cm dilated'

I think some twattish people juts try to make it look like they know before everyone else though, kinda see, I posted first so I knew first and an due reform most important.

Bertrude Mon 22-Jul-13 14:39:46

And due reform????? And therefore am!

ilovemulberry Mon 22-Jul-13 20:38:49

I have just written a blog post about this very thing- if you are interested - www.bumpbabycandme.blogspot.co.uk

Bogeyface Mon 22-Jul-13 22:37:32

These threads always remind me of my poor aunt.

She was having my cousin (in the 60's) and had literally just had her an hour or so before. Only my Uncle knew at this point, as none of our family had home phones then. Turns out that a neighbour of my grandma's was a cleaner and had seen my aunts name on the board and nosies around until she found out about the baby. She broke her neck getting home and went straight to DGMs and told her that her first DGC had been born, what sex, weight etc.

DGM was FUMING, had a right go at the neighbour and never spoke to her again. My Uncle, proud as punch, rocked up at his In Laws to break the news only to find out that they already knew. They tried to pretend but my mother (16 and subtle as a brick) let the cat out of the bag. My aunt was gutted and when the neighbour got into trouble after Uncle complained, she blamed my AUNT!

SidTheSloth Tue 23-Jul-13 08:57:40

See I had it the other way round, People were writing on my wall 'Congratulations' 'Well done' 'Bet he's beautiful' AND I HADN'T BLOODY HAD HIM YET!!!!

I deactivated my profile as didn't want family members to think I just hadn't told them..especially as it was still a day or 2 before I actually had him!!

DontmindifIdo Tue 23-Jul-13 15:49:21

Oooh, I had DD 7 weeks ago. My DS's godmother, a dear, dear friend of mine has been working overseas. I sent her a photo of DD, which she then put on Facebook, tagging DH and I saying what a gorgeous new baby we had. At least I had told parents and siblings, but it would have been nice if I had been the one to put a baby photo up... There were lots of people commenting on the photo who are friends with her who've never met me or DH, it just felt that they didn't have a right too (silly I know).

I won't say anything, she's is one who almost 'over using facebook' on her travels as it's an easy way for her to keep all the friends she has in different countries updated on her news, but this wasn't her news to share.

IdaClair Tue 23-Jul-13 19:47:20

I also disagree, it is my news, and just because the mother doesn't usually get to share it doesn't mean that's the right thing.

I didn't have a mobile in the delivery room, I had my babies in my bedroom and I had my laptop, home phone, mobile, chargers, plugs etc right next to me. Why would I not use them, in a judicious order, to share the news because it is tradition that I should be shut up in a mud hut bleeding on my own whilst the 'village' (people I hardly know) celebrate?

For us, loads of people met our second baby before the grandparents did, before any 'family' or close friends did. We wanted a few days of adjustment period so the visitors didn't come until about 48 hours after but life still needed to go on, I still needed to take older DC to school the next day, still needed to go shopping, still needed to answer the door to the postman, neighbour etc, all of whom 'met' the baby (and in some cases had a cuddle, at school gates, neighbour etc) before any family had been near.

I don't see the problem.

IneedAsockamnesty Tue 23-Jul-13 19:58:25

Ida, the issue is other people sharing the news without asking the parents not the parents sharing.

Snog Tue 23-Jul-13 20:29:36

I can't see why people other than the parents shouldn't post about a baby on social media - it seems quite precious to me to want to control other people's posts

Maggietess Tue 23-Jul-13 22:17:18

Honestly, I think be glad people are interested! It's nice that a wider community gets involved. I think if its not your immediate family or friends just take care if posting and perhaps be a little sensitive to the fact they might like to be the announcers but as the parents, don't sweat it, people are happy for you and celebrating your little one!

IdaClair Tue 23-Jul-13 22:37:31

But the poster above was arguing it wasn't the mother's news to share, that's what I was addressing.

Bogeyface Wed 24-Jul-13 00:59:35

To those saying that it isnt just the parents news to share, think about this...

In PG nothing is in your control. Nothing. Even if you eschew all forms of antenatal care and have a free birth, you are still ultimately in the hands of nature. From the second you conceive, as a father or a mother, you have no control.

But you can at least be the ones who say "We have had our baby! S/He is X lbs X oz and will be called......." If someone else does that for you, without being asked to, then that is the special moment that was yours being taken away.

Is it really too much to ask to want to be the ones that announce the birth of your own child? And as for banning grandparents from seeing their new DGC for 48 hours but happily handing it over for cuddles to randoms at the school gate, words fail me!

Kiwiinkits Wed 24-Jul-13 06:09:36

YANBU. At all.

prolificnamechanger Wed 24-Jul-13 08:36:47

YANBU. We requested that no one mention it to anyone, including on Facebook, until after we'd told everyone we wanted to.

Learnt my lesson after a friend outed my pregnancy on FB when I'd been keeping it under wraps.

I've now left FB!

merrymouse Wed 24-Jul-13 09:11:30

Completely disagree that the parents shouldn't be able to control announcement of birth or any other details of pregnancy.

The birth could have been traumatic, the baby may have had problems after birth, the mother could still be recovering, there could be relatives who they want to contact before making general announcement.

Taking it upon yourself to making the news public on social media without consulting the parents is tactless and thoughtless.

There is no comparison to jungle drums.

MrsO27 Wed 24-Jul-13 10:00:13

This has happened to lots of people I know. Before we announced I was pregnant I changed my Facebook settings so posts from people posting directly on my wall are only visible to me. Can't stop people posting status updates (although best to switch on tag approval for posts too!), but my closest friends know I would be unhappy if they did this. I'll announce on fb myself when we're ready to and once all close family, who aren't on fb, know.

Mumofjz Wed 24-Jul-13 12:45:39

I had my babies before FB or twitter and RELIED on my immediate family and friends to broadcast to the world that i had a baby etc.... Isn't this just the same?

I wasn't alarmed that the lady 3 doors down from my mums or the lads in the local knew what i had and what it was called - i simply wouldn't have been able to get round and tell EVERYONE personally.

And as for other people updating their status with the knews, isn't this what ALL people do with each other when then speak - it's called conversation!!!! You tell eachother your news, and that sometimes IS other peoples news becuase it affects you.

Champagnebubble Wed 24-Jul-13 13:59:16

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Champagnebubble Wed 24-Jul-13 14:00:45

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

musicalmum40 Wed 24-Jul-13 14:15:33

Yes do that. I was a little peeved one of my friends announced our baby boy's birth on fb. We had planned a strict order of phone calls, emails then fb. When I said she'd been a bit hasty she said it was because she thought people would be worried about me. Bless her she was just highly enthusiastic and who can blame her!

IdaClair Thu 25-Jul-13 23:51:45

I didn't 'ban' anyone or give the baby to 'randoms' - I just didn't have any visitors to my house for a couple of days after the birth (is that a problem? The grandparents met the baby at 48 hours old. Plenty soon enough for anyone I'd have thought). I still needed to live life though and you can't stop taking the kids to school just because you've had a baby, can you! Bumping into friends/acquaintances whilst going out briefly for an essential task is different to inviting visitors round to your house for a 'meet the baby' session - or can't you see that?

Bogeyface Fri 26-Jul-13 00:24:31

I can see that, I have had 6 children so you cant tell me anything about "life goes on"

But at no point was I in a position to have to do the school run in the 48 hours after giving birth. You say "our" and "us" so you had a partner who could have done the school run while you stayed at home with the baby, which rather indicates to me that you wanted to show your baby off. Thats fine, we have all done that, I get it! But to show off your baby to the school run crowd before its own GP get to meet it is rather mean.

And I wonder how you will feel if you have a son whose wife decides that you wont be allowed to see your new grandchild until 2 days later, despite her showing said baby off to neighbours and acquaintances.

Hulababy Fri 26-Jul-13 11:32:32

Not everyone wants to hide away on their own. Either way is not right or wrong so long as its what you want.

My sister had her baby on Tuesday ad she came home Wednesday. He was very keen for me and my dd to come and visit them and meet the new baby. We drove down Thursday and stayed in a local hotel. Saw him yesterday and going back today to see him soon. She wanted my parent to go the day he was born so they did.

I was similar. I wanted to have visitors and show dd off to the world! I also accepted help from my parents and inlaws so I could sleep.

Maggietess Fri 26-Jul-13 23:42:18

Mumofjz that's exactly what I think is the beauty of it! I don't need (or want) to spend my days after having my baby to update everyone beyond closest family, that's what I want them to do!

I don't care who, or in which order, people heard (after grandparents and siblings who by god you should be calling!), I'm very glad they are interested. It's a baby not state secrets and it's not all about your social announcement, use family and friends to spread the word to those who care while you spend time with baby! To hell with how cousin Doris hers the news and if she's so pissed of that your neighbours cat told her rather than you that she doesn't want to speak to you then seriously you're not missing out!

Amibambini Tue 30-Jul-13 16:29:33

Reviving an older thread but had been following this due to similar situation in my life and it just reared it's head again and I needed a place to do a quick vent!

I'm now 17 weeks, but previous to the 12 week scan I had also asked parents (who I told as soon as I knew, around 6/7 weeks), to keep it amongst themselves until we had had scan and knew all was well. Didn't work, but hey ho, excited first time grandparents and all that.

12 week scan happened, all was well, however I then asked the prolific fb'ers in my immediate family to please keep my fb free of baby news for the time being. Talk about it on your own feed but please don't tag me or post stuff to my wall as we are still telling our friends face to face and I'm not comfortable with baby announcements on fb, dunno why, it's just not me.

This turned into a major family drama, complicated by my mum's slight ineptness at fb and lack of understanding of general fb etiquette, despite being on it all bloody day.

5 weeks later (now) she is still going on about it and has gotten it into her head that I'm not allowing her to talk about it with anyone, at all, ever.

Aaaarrghhhhh! Jeezus.. parents and social media, what an unholy alliance.

Champagnebubble Tue 30-Jul-13 17:50:22

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Littleen Sun 04-Aug-13 18:00:22

I'm quite worried about friends telling everyone on FB as soon as I spill the beans - as many of them are slightly obsessed with the site. I will have to specifically ask them not to share the news, as I plan on telling people in person rather than online, and so obviously won't tell everyone the same day. After me and my DP have finished announcing it to those we want, and when some time has passed probably, we'll put it on FB just so it's done :P Same after birth, but I will be very mad if anyone goes public with our news before us!

nkf Sun 04-Aug-13 18:05:39

How can you control it though? You can ask and some person will ignore it because they can't imagine a life without Facebook and then you have to react to them ignoring it.

Littleen Sun 04-Aug-13 18:09:51

Obviously you cannot control it, but I trust my friends will wait with mentioning it on FB until I have announced it there myself smile They are good friends, and I know they'll understand why I would want to say it first :P Don't have any issue with them talking about it once I have announced it though, if they feel the need to! smile

Carole803 Sun 04-Aug-13 23:57:43

We have just told our friends we are not talking about the pregnancy online, so have asked they don't mention it on fb.

Everyone has been most respectful so far.

I am sure that when the little bean sprout has been born we will make some kind of fb notice for friends, but that is for us to do, and noone else smile

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