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Help who may the dad be(133 Posts)
I have been with my boyfriend for over a year and i made a stupid mistake drunk and had a 1 night stand early hours on the 27 th march this year i found out this month april 11th i was 3+ weeks pregnant so am not sure hu the dad is if i was pregnant to the one night stand shouldn't the test say 2 weeks as 27 th to the 11 april is not more than 3 weeks plus i did take the morning after pill the day after i had a one night stand on the 28 th of march , but i still not 100 percent its just crazy how all year av been with my fella and march i get pregnant and had a one night stand , i calculated my last period which was the 4 th march so i used a due date calculator and it showed days where i was fertile and he day i may of conceived and it showed dates before the 27 th (one night stand) It said i conceived around the 18 th so i may already of been pregnant before the 27 th i am so scares and worried but when i took the clear blue the test said i was to far gone for it to have been the 27 th march ?????
Will the midwife work it out on my 1st scan ?
Even if the midwife told you a conception date, I'm afraid it won't be 100%. There's always going to be that doubt in your mind.
The only way you can be 100% is to get a DNA test done when the baby is born.
You ought to be honest with both men just now, to make the test as simple and swift as possible once your baby is here.
sweetheart - the first scan can certainly date but it can be out by about a week or so. You can ask for an early dating scan in the UK I believe - but normally you don't get one until 12 week (another poster can correct me). The tests work out your HCG levels (pg hormone) and take this based on an average to see how pregnant you are, hence the three weeks. If you have regular periods, on a 28 day cycle, then in theory you ovulate around 14 days after the first day of your period - this is the start of the new cycle. So yes you can certainly have been pregnant earlier, and the morning after pill is essentially a massive dose of the normal pill, and does not always work. It only works most effectively 24 hours after - so again this could mean that you were already pregnant.
It sound like you have a lot to work through - please get yourself to the doctors, try and see a female doctor if you can - perhaps at a family planning centre? or one you feel comfortable talking to about all of this. They should be able to refer you for an early scan if you have good reason. And you may need some help then deciding what to - don't be afraid to reach out. xx
so ... you had unprotected sex with two different men?
p.s. mumfordanddaughter has some excellent advice there too.
I cant tell my fella and the one night stand lad has a family and a gf we dont want anyfin from this he wants to live hos life and mine too but this has happend i just hope its my bfs am so scared there is no wat i an tell my bf he will leave me and there will be so much trouble caused i wish i new because if it was the other lads i would have a termination ,how do i ring for a early scan or talk to some one ? I need help i think about this ever hour of the day i hate myself
Yes my boyfriend and the stupid mistake i made on the 27 th i had morning after pill but i no its not 100% it had worked in the past tho
You can't not tell him, that would be massively selfish and controlling. He should not be led to believe this child is his when you know it's 50/50. You don't have the right to deceive another human being to that extent.
In your situation I would terminate but only you can make that decision. If you keep it then he has to know its not definitely his.
You need to come clean with your boyfriend and let him know. You also owe it to all concerned to get std tested.
Go and speak to your GP to discuss your options, or go to the family planning centre.
It is extremely unlikely that they will be able confirm who the father is, you would have to have a paternity test after the baby was born if you decided to go ahead with the pregnancy.
Definitely go and talk this through with someone asap.
Yes I agree you have to tell your boyfriend. You cannot allow him to think that the baby is his when there is a very good chance that it isn't.
Its easier said than done i will have to speak with someone professionally
It's a goid idea to speak to a professional, but be prepared for the likelihood that they won't be able to give a definite answe.
And you do need to get an STI check (despite girlfriend, if he's had 1 one night stand,, there may be others, and you must put the health of both yourself and the pregnancy first).
Yes do i ring the hospital as i av no midwife yet ? Or my doctors , i have depression already so am worried
I think if you are genuinely scared, and don't want to tell your boyfriend you had the one night stand, and also if you would consider an abortion if it wasn't your boyfriend's baby, then maybe you should consider having an abortion anyway?
Because you can't be absolutely sure until after the baby is born, no matter what scans or tests say. There will always be doubt.
You sound very young - is there anyone in real life you can talk to about this? Someone to go with you to the clinic to discuss all your options?
Am 22 and i have mates bu i cant even face to tell my best friend i dont no what to do in my mind there a good chance its my bfs but i will always have doubt untill the baby is born
Suppose it was your boyfriend's, what would you do? Would he be pleased? Do you want to be pregnant at this time, or would it be better to wait a bit?
Suppose it isn't your boyfriend's, what would you do? Would you definitely have an abortion?
If your boyfriend wasn't on the scene at all now, what would you do? Would you continue with the pregnancy or have an abortion?
If you can answer those questions, it might clarify things a bit.
I think you need to decide what you want to do for you. If you really want this baby, then have it. But be honest with your b/f. He may love you enough to stay, or he may not. But at least you will know from the start where you stand. And remember, even if it is his baby he may not stay around - you are both young, you haven't been in a relationship for very long. So you may end up a single parent.
If you feel that you are not ready at this point in your life to have a baby, then you need to consider other options. You can talk to your gp, or your practice nurse, or go to one of the pregnancy advisory services in your area and you can talk it all through with them.
The one thing that I am 100% certain you shouldn't do is continue with the pregnancy, let your b/f think the baby is his and hope for the best. Just watching Jeremy Kyle will show you how badly wrong that can go.
Wishing you all the best.
I really think you should try to talk to someone in RL, who can help you through this.
Situations like this aren't quite so scary if there is someone to hold your hand.
You do need to tell your boyfriend, and get STI checks.
Go to your GP asap and explain the situation. Ask if they could put you in touch with either a friendly midwife or a local non-judgmental organization to help you work through your options.
My bf is 28 and made up i am pregnant . If it was his i would continue , if i was on my own or if it was the other lads i would get rid i just dont no what to do i cant stop crying ino its my fault but it was a stupid mistake
Yes, it was a stupid mistake (((((((hugs))))))
But it can't be undone. And the sooner you tell him the better. Honestly, get it over with, and then you can make a decision about what to do next.
The fact that you are so upset means that you won't be able to hide it. You won't manage the next 8 months pretending it is all ok, especially if you are depressed anyway, this is too much pressure to cope with.
You need to talk to someone very soon. Even if you called someone like bpas they might be able to tell you who to talk to.
When you tell him, no matter what his reaction (whether he will stay or leave), at least you will know.
Really sorry to hear you are going through this worry op I won't lecture you, because I think you know already this was daft.
The difficulty with being sure about conception is that you can never say in retrospect exactly when you ovulated and scans are not 100% accurate.
To try to work out when you ovulated, you count from the first day of your period as day 1. It is probably more likely on balance that it is your bf's based on the likely ovulation date. This is because unless you usually have a really long cycle, for you to get pg on the 27th, you would probably have had to ovulate on around day 25 at the latest, which would be day 21 of your cycle. Average ovulation in a standard 28 day cycle is day 13-15, so around 17-19 March. You were probably already pg when you had the ons.
If on 11 April the digital pg test said 3 weeks plus that means you probably got pg no later than 21 March - again making it much more likely it is your bf's baby.
HOWEVER you can ovulate much later than day 15 - I have ovulated on day 21 myself, for example. I can't find the accuracy of the clear blue conception indicator, but of course it will not be 100%, so only a DNA test will tell you for sure.
Maryz is right that you need to think about whether you want a baby right now.
I think you need to ask your GP for RL help and please take care of yourself. Can you confide in your best friend? A true friend would not judge you, but would be there to support you.
Op x posted with you - sending you hugs. We've all done stupid things in the past - I know I have.
Right, I've found the leaflet. If you used cb digital on 11 April the leaflet is here:
This says their conception indicator is 92% accurate (see question 3 on the leaflet). There is only 8% chance you conceived after 21 March, so it is much more likely this baby is your bf's.
That would also tie in with your cycle dates if your cycle is normally 28 days or less.
Thanks thats helped alot , the likey hood like u said i may be my bfs but ill never be 100 %. And the next step is to tell my best friend because i cant be on my own through this mess , and the fact i took the morning after pill 28 th made me think its more of a percentage for it to be my bfs , i went to cornwall on the 29 th thats when to and the easter weekend i had period pains but never came on so i thought would that be to soon to have pains only 3 or 4 days after the 1 night stand ?
theres no point in trying to guess who the dad might be.
you need to be honest with your boyfriend
Yes - definitely tell your best friend ASAP - you need RL support and especially if you are prone to get down at times anyway.
I agree the fact the morning after pill didn't prevent pg also strongly suggests this is your bf's baby. The ma pill is 95% effective if taken within the first 24 hours after unprotected sex - see here:
So basically, for this to be the baby of the guy you had the one night stand with all the following would have to be true, assuming you have a 28 day cycle:
- you would have to have ovulated very late for you
- you would have to be in the 5% of people for whom the ma pill doesn't work
- you would have to be in the 8% of testers for whom the cb conception indicator isn't accurate
It is not impossible that you could have conceived on the 27th - all the above could be true and will be for some people. However, it is more likely, statistically speaking, that it is your bf's baby.
It's not about what he wants by the way, it's about what you want.
Just wanted to mention I had my dating scan at Fetal Medicine Centre and they confirmed my dates to a day! They said it's 10weeks+3days and I KNOW that's true as I was using ovulation tests and my DH was traveling quite a bit, so I just know when we dtd that worked...
About the pains - that could have been implantation you were feeling - the link below says you can get that around ten days after conception. If you had that on the 29th, again that suggests you conceived around the middle of your cycle.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
I had a dating scan at the Fetal Medicine Centre too, but I can't remember what they said the accuracy was and I didn't ask.
Early dating scans at 8 weeks are accurate to within 3-4 days, if you look at the ('early first trimester section') according to this US website:
So, theoretically, if you went for a private dating scan in the next week or so, they could maybe give you their view on the date, which might confirm again that it is likely you conceived in the middle of your cycle with your bf.
If you are anywhere near London a viability scan at the FMC is £100, which I know is expensive:
I found them very good. You would need to call and check they will offering dating at this scan.
You need to tell him because chances are at some point he will find out.
In 8 months time he will find it strange that you are doing a dna test.
Even if you decide to not do this, which is really unfair, the ons might say something, because he will be wondering if its his because of the dates.
Thank you every one my best mate i have told now so i feel a bit better she rekons its my bfs but she is guna tell me what i want to hear but she thinks the dates and stuff do come down to y bf but like i say i will have to see on my dating scan it said on the cycle calender that i was fertile around the middle of march not the end and i had pains only 3 or 4 days after the 1night stand so i thought maybe i was already pregnant when in had the ONst and when i took morning after pill so it a very small percentage its the other lads
You do need to find out for sure though...wishful thinking and going about dates etc won't help. I know my baby is my husbands but our dates shouldn't be right etc based on ovulation and sts. It would be cruel to let your man believe he's the dad if you don't know for sure. What will happen if he find out years down the line after raising the child? You need to get proper medical advice, not listen to your bf.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
No she went to Cornwall on the 29th, 2 days later.
She has to tell him because a part of a relationship is to be honest with each other.
He will also think its strange that for the next couple of months they will be using condoms. Not all std's show up in testing straight away.
I hope you come to a decision you are happy with leigh
I would advise caution about the online fertility charts, they are based on an average cycle and are wrong for lots of people (including me)
Whatever you decide about the baby is your decision only and you are the one who will have to live with it either way so I do think it's worth talking to some professionals. But I do think it would be completely unfair to keep your partner in the dark, in fact probably the biggest betrayal there is. He deserves to know there is a chance the child he will be raising and loving isn't his. He might decide it doesn't matter, he might decide he needs a DNA test or he might decide to leave you for having the ons, but those are all his decisions to make and it would be incredibly awful of you to take them away from him
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
You had a one night stand whilst you were in an existing long term relationship, with a man who you know well and has a family of his own already? With no condoms?
I'd stop drinking, tbh.
There is absolutely no way you can tell you for sure without a DNA test. There just isn't. And no professional will tell you otherwise.
I appreciate that you feel guilty, but that isn't going to go away, so you have to deal with it.
Good luck with the rest of your pg.
I will just see on dating scan i am guna try n get a early one and speak to a midwife nothin else i can do i will leave t as that now i just got to hope and pray he is the dad
What a situation...personally I would tell him the truth though. I couldn't bear it if I knew someone I loved had kept this from me - even if I never found out, to me it's just wrong. I'm big on honesty and I couldn't bear the deceit if I knew someone hadn't been straight with me about something like this. You'll do what you want to do though, just wanted to give my opinion. And I think you said this other guy has a family himself and a gf? Feel sorry for them.
Yeh he does i found out after it happend i feel sorry for them too also my bf i am just going to have to think alot and speak to me friend / gp
There is only one way to find out who the father is and that is DNA. I was told when I'd conceived at the 8week scan and at the 12 week scan. Both were out, One by 4 days, one by 7.
I only had sex once in 8weeks I knew when I'd conceived.
I also had a normal cycle most of my life but conceived dd on CD21. No one knows why or how. All my others were bang on mid cycle in the fertile window.
I've had a negative CB digi test when I was 4wks pg so wouldn't believe a word they say.
In your shoes I'd tell my boyfriend or terminate. If I wa telling him any lies I'd rather fake a miscarriage than bring a baby that might not be his into the world and not tell him. Though the truth would be the adult thing to do.
Good luck Leigh, we have all done stupid things, it's how you deal with them that determines the sort of life you want to live.
However, bear in mind if you decide to say nothing, and as the child grows you realise it's probably the ONS, you will be lying to your BF and your child.
The best thing you can do is be honest and tell your boyfriend what happened. The secret will eat you up inside, play on your mind every minute of the day, the guilt will eat away at you and it will be such a stressful time for you and your baby. Do you have to tell your boyfriend who the other man was?? If you know the other man wouldn't care, wouldn't want to be there and has his own family and doesn't want anything to do with the baby etc...Couldn't you just say it was a drunken one night stand with a man you met. I know this is lying a little, but at least he would know the situation and not be led to think it was his baby from the start. This is only my opinion and what I would do, but I strongly believe that you cannot (and it is wrong) for your boyfriend not to be aware of the situation and that there is the possibility it may not be his. He may stick by you as it might be his and then the DNA test will confirm after or it might be too much for him and he leaves you. You then have the DNA text after the baby is born and if it is his you might have a chance of getting back with him. However, if you lie from the start to the end and he finds out, he may never be able to forgive you and could you really live with such a lie? Big hugs though, really feel for you but please don't let this poor man bring up a baby that might not be his X x
There's NO way of telling whether the baby is your partner's or the one night stand if you haven't had a period in between. I would definetly tell your partner. If you live in a town like I do, at some point this one night stand is going to come out, and if your partner starts to hear rumours, it's unlikely you'll be able to deny it if there's a child's paternity at stake. Obviously the pregnancy is most likely going to be a rough ride, as I'm sure your partner won't be over the moon to hear it might not be his child, but atleast you won't spend the whole time wondering if or when he could find out. Even if you don't tell the one night stand immediatly, you will have to at some point to get a paternity test, and I'm not sure where you stand legally, when it comes to taking a DNA without your partner's consent (as it will be his DNA your testing against the child as well I hope you get the answer you want though, and good luck xxxx
Yeh i understand everyone is saying it as if its defo the other persons ino there is a chance but there is ony a small perentage as i took morning after pill and my hormones where to strong when i took the test and i had pains already only 3 days after the 0ns i really do think i was already preg wen i had one night stand
I can see how you are thinking but the problem is.... There is a chance/possibility as you can't be 100%. That's the issue. Your poor mind and heart is trying to find a reason not to tell him... 'only a small percentage etc' but it's still a percentage. Can you live with lying to him? I think all the people saying that you should be honest are just trying to reason with you and the reality of the situation. Please don't take it the wrong way, we are just trying to help X x
My BIL's first child is sort of suspected not to be his, his first partner was having an affair with someone at around the time of conceiving. She never admitted to him that this was the case, but he knew deep down. She never told him the baby might not be his. The suspicion was always there but BIL to his credit, adored his DS and told us he didn't care if he wasn't his, he loved him and no DNA test would change that. He remarried and had two more children by another mother - there is significant similarities between the two brothers that we are all pretty sure DS1 is BILs. He is an amazing father and idolises his DS1 and does everything in his power to ensure he feels part of the new family too.
If i were you OP i would not say anything to your DP, unless there is a strong chance that the other guy would say something, then of course you do have to say something. It really is more likely to be your DPs though, not 100% though.
Leigh, when your child asks in future who its father is, you can't say, "I <think> it's Bob/Harry/Tom". You owe it to your child to be 100% sure. And the only way to do this is by carrying out a paternity test once you give birth.
I'm not sure there's any way of doing this without your partner finding out, but even if there's not, it still has to be done. It might mean a lot of bravery and sacrifices on your part, but your child deserves to know the truth.
What happens if (God forbid) your child became really ill and needed some sort of parent body part donation? What if that was the time your partner found out? How could he ever forgive you?
Your partner deserves the truth now. He should be able to make his own decision about whether or not he wants to stick by this pregnancy, knowing there's a chance (however slight) he isn't the father. He also should know the paternity of the child before he begins to provide/forms a bond with it. Shouldn't he be allowed to make his own decision about whether or not he wants to bring up another man's child?
Lucy, not all men are like that. Not all men want to raise another mans child. Your bil had that option of choice to ask for the dna test because he knew about an affair.
There was at least one high profile case where after splitting the man found out that the children he was led to believe were his, were not his. He took the mum to court for it and won.
I totally agree ihearsounds
Each of my scans has given a different estimated date of conception ( had several early on due to complications). As our conception was planned, I was recording when we had sex and according to dates, I conceived 7 days after last having sex- meaning at the limit of sperm viability and also meaning I ovulated v late in my cycle.
It really isn't possible to be accurate to the day as there are so many factors so you cannot rely on dates alone to make this decision.
According to my scan dates, ds2 was due two weeks later than I knew he was due - I knew my exact dates because we didn't have much sex around the time he was conceived. But the scan disagreed with me. Not surprisingly, I had to be induced when I went over two weeks by their dates .
The difficulty you have leigh is that you will always have a niggle in the back of your mind. You will always wonder, because there is a chance, no matter how small, that your partner is not the child's father. And if that is the case, they will find out, if not when they are small, then certainly via blood types or other medical tests as they get older. DNA is used for more and more things now - by the time your child is an adult, I suspect it will be very common for people to know much more about their own DNA. So your child will find out, and the shit will hit the fan.
Even if the child is your partner's, what if someone who knows you mentions the ons? When people know you are pregnant they will do a lot of adding up, and someone is bound to tell your partner. If they do, are you going to lie at that stage?
I think the advice to not tell him is very wrong.
the best thing to do is get in touch with ur gp and organise meeting with a midwife, i was in the same situation n had an early scan to find out how far gone i was x
I would see what the dating scan says and ask the ons to provide a DNA sample after the birth. I think you can actually get a DNA test during pregnancy but it carries a small risk of miscarriage.
If you look at the clear blue link above it says that if y get a 3-4 weeks result, that you actually conceived 1-2 weeks ago. Pregnancy is never dated from conception but from last period.
If op got a 3-4 week result on the 11th then according to clearblue, she conceived between 27march and 4 April which puts the ons firmly in the picture.
You must tell both. Sperm lives for several days so its really could be either.
Sorry misread that.
Still no scan will be 100% accurate so do tell.
i cant believe some of you think she shouldnt say anything to her bloke
its just wrong!
OP as much as you don't want to,you HAVE to tell your bf! No amount of tests or scans will tell you who the father of your baby is,only a DNA test can do that! Scans will probably give you a different due date everytime you have one anyway and either way,the dates given still won't tell you exactly when you concieved. Morning after pill or not,one night stand or not,you still had unprotected sex with 2 men around the time of conception. Like it or not,there's a 50/50 chance the baby is not your bfs.
If you would terminate if you knew the other guy was the dad or you were on your own then perhaps that's the best option for you? My concern is that you've said you wouldn't want the baby if it wasn't your bfs...well what if you gave birth and a dna test proved he isn't the babies dad? How would you feel then,more importantly,how do you think your bf would feel after being led to believe for 9months that the baby was his when you knew all along there was a chance it wasn't? Its not fair to keep your bf or your future child in the dark over paternity.
If your bf loves you he will stick by you,may even say he'll bring up the child regardless of whether its his or not. Or of course he may leave you and I'm guessing if he did that you would terminate? Which ever way you look at it,your bf has the right to know and the right to make a decision about whether or not he wants to stay with you and possibly bring up a child that isn't his.
When all is said I done,I think this whole situation comes down to whether or not you want this baby or not and if you want to risk it not being your bfs,if either answer to those questions is no then I honestly think a termination is the best option for you given the situation.
You simply cannot continue to lie to your bf and "hope" he's the dad but do nothing about finding out the truth through a dna test. Scans will not tell you who your babies dad is so don't go on thinking you can work it out from the dates of those-they carry the title of estimated for a reason....they are not exact. They do not give precise answers to conception dates and certainly don't tell you who is daddy is! They're just a rough guess of when you'll give birth based on your babies size. For example I'm 15wks preg and both my early scan and 12wk scan estimated due dates would mean that I concieved while I was on my period despite the fact I didn't have sex until a few days after I came off! Just saying this so you have an idea of how unreliable scan dates are and why you simply can't rely them to try and work when you actually fell pregnant or who your babies dad is!
Plus I've watched enough episodes of Jeremy Kyle to know that in situations like yours the baby does usually end up being fathered by the one night stand regardless of scan dates and the fact it was only once verus the 100s of times with the bf...
I hope you can reach a decision about what to do soon but please,please do not keep lying to your bf about potential paternity of your baby! You were silly to get yourself into this mess by drinking too much and not using protection (not that I completely blame you-it takes 2 to tango!),we all make mistakes,but at the end of the day,you have no choice,you have to be grown up and mature and deal with any repercussions your actions have caused. The sooner you tell your bf,and the other guy!,the better,even if the news does break your bfs heart...xx
I have had three pregnancies, and about twenty scans. All of them have given a different date of conception, and I know some folk whose marriages have been put on the line as their dh's have believed a scan which notes the date of conception as a day when the dh wasn't even in the country, but whose wives have been completely faithful (which you haven't).
You are a complete idiot if you are planning on relying a scan to work out who the father is.
living a lie will eat you up.
What if you go on to have another baby and dp can't produce sperm or has a genetic condition, it would all come out then!
leigh1991 I'm going to disagree with a lot of the posters here.
I'll admit my bias here - I had an abortion when I was much younger and I have always regretted it.
Now you can have a look on the forum and see comments from people with all kinds of experiences - some with regret, some struggling to deal with their decision and some not regretting it at all. But abortion is a HUGE deal. It shouldn't be based on any relationship you're in right now, because only one person has to deal with this decision for the rest of their life - is you!
This isn't about your boyfriend or the guy you slept with - this is a decision as to whether to bring your future son/daughter's into this world. Now I could lay it on thick by saying you should look at the conception forums for people struggling to conceive or give anything for having a baby. But all I want you to understand that this is a huge, life changing decision whatever you decide.
You seem to be so wrapped up in your relationship problems that the focus should be on the baby - whether you are ready to be a mum, whether you are ready to be a single mother if needs be, whether you are willing to forgive yourself for the mistake you made and be strong enough to deal with the consequences.
Your current boyfriend - this relationship may or may not work out. If your name has anything to do with your DOB, then you are still very young and have plenty of time to find the right person. I'm sure there are lots of private and personal reasons why you cheated on your boyfriend - but ultimately I don't think committed and happy people cheat on each other. Surely there must be a reason why this happened?
I agree with some of the other posters that you do need to tell your boyfriend what has happened. If he doesn't hear from you, he could find out from someone else. He could cheat on your or decide to end this relationship anyway - in a few months, years down the line. Again there are loads of threads on the forums about people who have had affairs and whether to admit it or not admit it. I am of the opinion that a good relationship is based on trust, respect and faithfulness. Do you really want to be in a relationship where you don't have trust and respect?
On top of that, you are putting his health at risk by continuing to have a sexual relationship with him after having unprotected sex with someone else. Both of you need an STD check, not just for his sake but also for health of your child as well.
Whatever you decide OP, I wish you the best of luck. If you don't feel you can continue the pregnancy, make sure you get as much support from your family, counselling and that you have all the information and resources needed to deal with the emotions that come with it. If you do decide to go ahead with the pregnancy, work out a plan of action of how you will bring up your son/daughter with AND without your current relationship. That way you know you will be able to deal with whatever comes your way!
Sorry but you are so naive and even after listening to all these comments you sound like you are still going to ignore them and lie to your boyfriend. That's beyond disgraceful.
You can't determine who it is at all from your dates and definitely won't by the scan. If you can't face telling your bf then I would seriously consider an abortion. If it comes out in the future its not just him who will be upset but his entire family etc, your mutual friends etc. youre 22, you made a mistake but you need to grow up now and listen to the facts which people are explaining to you. Replying on a best friend who tells you want you want is hardly good. You are understandably clutching at straws but this needs sorting.
Sorry if I sound harsh but this has Jeremy Kyle written all over it. (To be hopes the two men look alike if you do go ahead and lie).
Can you really live with lying to your boyfriend for the rest of his life, and to the child for his whole life?
Can you honestly say that in a few months/years when things aren't going great you aren't going to throw "we'll it might not even be yours" at him?
If you we're my friend I would suggest that maybe a termination would be best.
Either that or tell the truth and face the consequences.
I can't think of anything worse than binging a child into the world based on lies.
plinky I disagree. The vogue on MN for encouraging women in unstable situations to proceed with a pregnancy purely based on their own desire to become a mother is utterly irresponsible IMO.
I am really shocked that people are saying they wouldn't tell their BF. How could anyone live with such a level of deceit?
Alibabaandthe40nappies - all I was trying to do is stress to the OP that having an/not an abortion isn't a lifestyle choice. She's made the decision to have sex, pregnancy is always a 'risk' and one she was willing to take. Abortion is not a risk free medical procedure. That said, pregnancy and motherhood has its own risks and challenges too. It's a big decision that needs to be taken seriously and has the potential to shape someone's life for the better or for the worse.
I don't think people post encouraging for a pregnancy to continue based on their own desire for children :/ Everyone has their own opinion, and there is no need to generalise or label other people's opinions as irresponsible just because you disagree with them.
Leigh, you need to see your gp.
You have had unprotected sex - you need testing for sti's.
You have taken the MAP possibly while pregnant - you need to know what effect that could have on the baby.
do you really want to stay with your bf? you had so little love and respect for him that you cheated on him and are considering tricking into (possibly) brining up somebody elses's child. should you really still be with him? would you still be with him if you weren't pregnant?
do you want this baby? are you concerned about potential repercussions if you decide to terminate?
Were you trying for a baby with your boyfriend?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
If your test was positive 3.days after your ONS then its most likely your boyfriends.. 3 days would not show on a test. I do feel for you and im not going to lecture you. Personally i would tell him. But given it was just a one off and it definately wont happen again, keep it to yourself and put it down to experience.. Only if i read correctly that you tested at 3 days though... I wouldnt worry too much about it... Dont stress yourself out as it is not good for baby.. Good luck hun xx
Ons 27 march, pregnancy test 11 April.
I would tell the truth. Would you like to be deceived about such a major thing in your life?
Leigh, sorry you are in this situation.
I think you need to be clear with yourself about whether you want a baby, whose ever it may be, and how you feel about your relationship, irrespective of your pg.
What was behind your ONS? Was it any lack of committment or boredom with your DP? How did you feel afterwards? Before you knew you were pg?
A baby is not a magical fantasy fix for a relationship so if you were feeling off with your DP. A baby will not make things better.
The huge probability is that this is your Dp's baby. Only you can decide how to best support your relationship with him. Would it help to talk to a counsellor rather than your best friend? Does Brook still offer counseling to young women?
Good luck, I hope everything works out well for all.
I think for peace of mind and in fairness and respect for your boyfriend, your baby and yourself, you will need to be honest with him. I'm 24 weeks pregnant and had 6 scans from 8-16 wks due to previous complications and all of them gave different due dates, so wouldn't say that's an accurate measure.
Another thing I would consider, you say you know the guy you had a one night stand with, what is the likelihood of him wondering and asking questions when he finds out you are pregnant?
I'm not judging you or lecturing you, but need to say in all honesty, this can end up very messy if you aren't honest from the start. I have a friend who was in the position of your BF and when his little girl was 6 years old, the truth came out. It was a messy, painful and very sad situation for everybody involved. Especially that little girl. You are potentially playing with a lot of lives and hearts here. I know we all make stupid mistakes and that's life, but you have the choice now to avoid making it worse.
Good luck, be strong and take care of yourself.
Not to mention the ons wife and family? You are giving those children a sibling and if he does find out he may well want access!
The problem with lies is that they just keep on getting bigger,just like your bump will. The longer you keep it a secret the more it will eat you up inside. And sooner or later you probably will throw the classic "the baby's not even yours!" line at ur bf in a row...and that is going to create a whole new world of rows and put doubt in his mind and depending on your emotional state at the time you may even break down and tell him the truth that the child may indeed not be his,and that's not fair on your bf,the child,family members...especially if he then demands a dna test and it comes back that he's not the dad. He and his family would of spent weeks,months,perhaps years,bonding with the child and bringing it up only to have their world ripped apart,all because you refused to come clean and tell the truth (which he and his family have the right to know!!) At the start of the pregnancy and you decided to just bury your head in the sand and just convince yourself bf is the daddy.
Just an after thought...what are you going to do if you have a scan and the dates work out that you fell pregnant around the 27th? Would you tell your bf you cheated and he might not be the dad then or will you continue to lie to him? All us mummies know scan dates aren't reliable,change everytime and are not to be trusted with regards to working out conception dates but seeing as you seem determined to base your decision about coming clean on a scan then I think the question needs to be asked.
You may not want to be lectured over and over again but from the sound of it,you certainly need to be as your approach towards this whole mess is very immature and naïve,especially given how massive and life changing the situation is,and your best friend certainly isn't helping matters if she's telling you to keep quiet and to rely on scan dates! A TRUE friend (and anyone with morals and common sense!) will tell you to come clean to your bf asap!
What op needs is a calm supportive chat with someone in RL who can help her come to a reasoned decision. That is why we have suggested asking the GP for help.
She has already said she has a history of depression and is devastated by her mistake. People on here flinging insults at her is not going to help.
She needs to decide whether she is ready to be a mother at all and then all other decisions flow from that.
You poor girl. I don't know the situation with ur boyfriend but I agree with everyone saying you need to be honest, it was a stupid mistake but no one is perfect and we all make them, you may be surprised, your bf may not be as bad as you think. My little girl was conceived by a one night stand with my best friend of 8 years, I was considering a termination but she is now 7 months on and I have never felt love like it. Her dad takes nothing to do with her either. Seek professional advice darling. I hope your ok xx
Leigh everyone makes mistakes, it's how we deal with those mistakes that define us.
I agree that you should tell your bf. You will make yourself ill with worry if you don't, get some professional advice especially as you said you were down already. Take care and good luck xx
go for a private early scan, it owld cost about fifty pounds, but the dates should be very accurate
"go for a private early scan, it owld cost about fifty pounds, but the dates should be very accurate"
This sounds like a good idea.
It still won't be accurate enough to determine the child's paternity beyond all doubt.
This isn't just about the OP, but about her boyfriend, the ONS and his family and most of all, the pregnancy she is carrying.
OP, if you were your BF, would you want to know the truth? Would you want to know for certain who your biological parents are, as a person?
YY, we all make mistakes, but I agree with the person who said it's how we deal with them that defines us as people.
And you'd be surprised how the truth can come out. My eldest needed a stem cell transplant when she was 8, and so the entire family had to be tested to see if they were a match for her: her father, me, her two siblings.
About 10% of the time, it is determined that the one who was believed to be the biological father is not so.
Imagine that set of circumstances. Yikes!
A friend of mine got pregnant in very similar circumstances. She told her BF she might be pregnant by a one night stand.He left. Turns out the baby was his, but the damage was done, they never got back together.
Another couple who are friends of mine have been together nearly 20 years and have 3 kids. When they were in their early 20s, she slept with another friend of ours when totally drunk out of her mind. She never told her DH. If she had, he would have left. She was absolutely devastated at her own betrayal, she isn't a serial cheater, she was very drunk and made a stupid mistake. He doesn't know to this day - if he did he would have left and they wouldn't have the beautiful kids and great life together they have now.
Sometimes, keeping quiet is for the best I think, especially if it was a one off and lesson learnt.
In the OP's situation I wouldn't tell at this point. I would try to find out who's it was, and if it's the BF's then no need to say anything IMO. Only if it still looks like it's possibly the OM's then the BF needs to know it's not his.
So public, you would be okay with bringing up a child that is potentially not yours not from your own choice but because you were lied to? You think that's okay to do to someone?
As a person, you be okay with your parent having lied to you about potentially half your heritage and even your half-siblings?
'I would try to find out who's it was,'
You cannot do that without a DNA test.
You have to tell about unprotected sex never nd the pregnancy issue! Go to local sexual health (gum) clinic!
I'm really stunned that any intelligent woman would advise Leigh to keep quiet about all of this. It's terrible.
If i was to become a step-parent, that's a choice i should make by myself, not have my partner force it on me.
If i had to spend 18+ years making sacrifices, providing for and forming a bond with a child, I would deserve to know all the facts first.
If my partner had cheated on me, and continued to have sex with me (potentially giving me a life-limiting disease), i'd deserve to know asap in order to get myself checked out.
I'd deserve to know that i had been cheated on. I'd deserve to make my own mind up whether i wanted to spend any more of my life with someone who had betrayed me.
Like someone else said upthread, would you be happy for your husband/partner to go and have a one night stand with someone and father a child behind your back?
That poor man. He is about to become a parent. He is about to sacrifice so much to bring this child up, being led to believe it is his son/daughter.
I agree with what several others have said. The truth will come out later if not now. And that poor man's life - and the child's - will be shattered. Imagine forming such a close bond with a child you think is yours, only to find out you're not in any way related to it.
Leigh, you have to just suck it up and be brave. How can you genuinely be happy with the rest of your life with this massive bombshell niggling at you, waiting to be dropped at any second?
What happens if you give birth and the child has some sort of disease/disability? Doctors will want to know the maternal/paternal family medical history.
You have to tell him. You owe him and the child. Also there's now three of you (you, best friend and one night stand) who know there's a chance your child is not your boyfriend's. That means the chance of someone mentioning it at some point before all of you are dead is far too high to leave it.
As for who to talk to, your GP is a good start if you haven't been referred to a midwife yet.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
34DD I reread publicservice's post because I hadn't taken what you did from it, and I'm still pretty sure that she didn't have the other man's child.
Anyway, its too late, her friend knows, it sounds like the one night stand is someone she knows (well enough to know his family situation) so will know she's pregnant, so she's relying on those two people never being pissed off/drunk/feeling like her OH/child is owed the truth and bringing it up and lives will be wrecked. Better that its done calmly now than in anger in 10 years time.
It is immoral to not tell, but its too late to keep it secret even if the OP doesn't care about the morality of the issue.
I still cannot get over the fact that people are advising the op to not say a thing. That is really, really shocking behaviour from people I presume are adults.
You fuck up you do the right thing and you confess. No if, buts or maybes. You deal with the outcome whatever it might be. He might leave, he might stay. But there are no guarantees that the relationship would last anyway.
You do NOT decide for other people that they will raise another persons child.
You do NOT decide for other people that they are denied the chance to have a relationship with their own family.
FFs. Listen to yourselves will you. It is morally and legally wrong to do what you are advising the op.
You cannot get a man to financially support a child that is not his without his knowledge. A step parent takes on that responsibility knowingly. They are not duped into thinking the child is their own.
You cannot knowingly put a false name on the child's BC.
The op is in doubt about paternity. She puts her bf on knowing this, it is an offense.
OP grow some balls
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Hold on a minute! Perhaps I wasn't very clear in my post?!
I agree absolutely that it's beyond the pale to trick someone into parenting a child who is not theirs; I certainly wasn't advising the OP to do this. That would be a terrible idea!
34DD in particular, I do not know someone who has passed off an OM's child as their partner's. If you reread my post you will see this I think? (I was talking about 2 different friends, perhaps that led to confusion?)
expatinscotland "'I would try to find out who's it was,' You cannot do that without a DNA test."
Not necessarily true - she may be able to do this if she gets an early scan and it confirms a date which makes it impossible for the OM to be the father. If she can confirm this then I do think not mentioning a one off one night stand could be for the best, if it genuinely was a one-off fuck-up, not part of a general pattern of behaviour.
However if there's any possibility it could be the OM's she needs to tell the BF, of course.
Publicservice - that's just it, though. And it's what so many of us are saying. The scan - any scan - will not be 100% accurate. Several people have said they've had multiple scans during pregnancies, all giving different dates.
The only way to be 100% sure is via a DNA test once the baby is born. With something as important as a child's paternity, you can't take any chances or rely on mere guesswork.
I had very early scans with my first pregnancy as I had bleeding, so scans weekly from 4-7 weeks and they differed lots so I don't think they are very reliable. Plus some pregnancies implant on day 4 others on day 11 so that will vary the scan. Given the two men were so close in terms of days nothing will be accurate enough to confirm one way or another.
To continue from above, I used ovulation tests with both my dc so knew exactly when I conceived - both times day 15 of my cycle. With my first pregnancy, I got a positive result 3 days before my period was due compared to my second which was over a week late. Therefore they had huge differences in when they had implanted. So even though my conception date was right, the scans were very different even when referred to the same time scales if that makes sense?
Message withdrawn at poster's request.
Scans won't tell you the date of conception. They can have a guess just like sticking your sticking your wet finger up in the air to see which way the wind is blowing at any given minute though.
And I speak as someone who was given multiple dates from scans throughout pg, and then given an ELCS for a giant baby expected to be 10lb 9oz.
She was 8lb 6oz. Do I trust the scientific accuracy of any scan?
Do I feck.
A DNA test is the only way she will know for sure.
Sometimes, keeping quiet is for the best I think, especially if it was a one off and lesson learnt
Perhaps if the op wasn't pregnant, that could work. But you cannot live that lie when a baby is involved.
My friend recently found out her father isn't her biological father. He has raised her (she was 20 when she found out) since she was 6, single handed along side her (younger - also not his - they used sperm donor as he was unable to have children) siblings. The mother died when the youngest was barely out of nappies. He raised them & didn't have the heart to tell them that he wasn't their dad. I will not tell you how she reacted when she found out. She has been sworn to secrecy as the others don't know, but she has made peace with it as he is a terrific father.
DO NOT rely on dating scans. I had to have one before a termination & I know exactly the time when I conceived (I was recovering from a section, so only had sex once before I got the BFP) but the dating scan put me 2 weeks behind. So, I should have been 9 & the scan said 7. So it isn't at all accurate.
I went for my scan on the 3rd may and it said i was 8 weeks and 3 days pregnant so wen i counted back it went well past the 27 th and took me to the 5 th march and am due december 10 th
Ok. So you're most likely to have concieved around the 19th of march give or take a couple of days.
I arranged the scan and it said i was 8 weeks and 3days on the 3rd of may which took me back tothe 5 th march so its showing its more for my bf z
Yes. Your period was on 4th march, that is what they class as day 1, even though you haven't actually conceived yet. The way they date you on scans is fetal size in weeks from last period, not fetal size from conception. It's hard for me to explain the exact measurements they use but for example, my lmp was 12 October, which puts me at 31 weeks and 4 days, and my scans also put me at 31 weeks 4 days, date of conception being approximately 29 weeks and 4 days ago, make sense?
Scan shows 8 weeks 3 days
You conceived 6 weeks and 3 days before that.
So ovulation 19th of march and you got pregnant a day or two either side of this so between 17th march - 21st.
Scans/midwifes and doctors date your pregnancy from the first day of your last period, not the day you ovulated then conceived, so you always need to take 2 weeks off your 'weeks pregnant' to see when you actually conceived.
I did and it said on 3rd of may the baby was 8 weeks and 3 days old whitch showed the 5 th march x
Dear me. Without meaning to sound rude, I think you need to read up on conception. You have already said in your first post that your last period was 4th march, you did not conceive on 5th march.
I have tried to explain it to you but you don't seem to be understanding me. Go back to your gp and ask them to explain how ovulation and conception works
That's interesting that you can get dating scans on request now.
Yea thats what its showing around the 19 th x
Also the fact i took morning after pill aswell with the other guy its obv i was already pregnant when that happend
The fact that you took the map means nothing. It is less than 90% effective. It does not protect against sti's. It does not guarantee paternity..
However, you have obviously made up your mind. So carry on and potentially screw up a lot of peoples lifes.
Are you really that dense to think the ons isn't going to ask questions?
Grow some balls. Act like an adult. Take responsibility and tell your partner...
Yes but people are acting like its the ons when there is a small chance and the dates dont even match
Also i asked people hu they might think the dad is not what i should do other wise i would of put. What should i do ? ! I will decide in my own time what to do !!!!! And make the ryt decisions in time
FFs. A chance is still a chance..How is that so hard to understand?
Have you read nothing on here?
Have you taken in nothing about how dating scans are wrong, posts from people who have had countless dating scans that were incorrect?
You came, you asked for help. People have given you plenty of advice - tell your partner, yet you are choosing to ignore this... All you want to hear is yea, fuck it, let some poor sod think he is a dad when in reality there is a chance that he isn't. As long as you are happy, that's all that matter right?
I think it's obvious what the right decision is. I think you need to be straight about this, it's too major to be deceitful about and the dates aren't far enough apart for you to be sure either way.
You are using the MAP as contraception???
Just to weigh in - I once got pg after taking the morning after pill (broken condom). They are really not that reliable - and I took it absolutely according to the instructions.
Ok. Well i shall remove my self from here now av seen what people have said i now will get on with my life and speak to my gp midwifes n get advice from people hu will not judge me
These ladies are not judging you- they are helping you!
Well get prepared for them all to repeat that you need to tell him. They will tell you this because stress increases blood pressure which is harmful.
One of the medical people might accidently tell him.
Your mate might say fuck you, I'm telling him, I have morals, and tell him.
The ons might start asking questions.
You cannot decide in your own time. You have to give the choices now. How is it fair for him to bond with a bump and eventually a child that is not his? That is a nasty thing to do.
I don't think anyone can tell you 100% who the father is. So the situation won't change and this poor guy could be living a lie and bringing up a child that isn't his without knowing, which is wrong, no matter how you look at it. I personally couldn't bury my head in the sand on this or look for people who will help me do that. I wouldn't be worried about strangers judging me - I simply couldn't live with myself if I wasn't honest about this.
I took the morning after pill after me and dh had a condom fail. It didn't work we have twins.
There's no point in any of us posting anything, you're not listening, you're being selfish and want us to tell you what you want to hear. You made a mistake, be an adult and tell the two men involved. Your child did not ask to be born, don't start it's life on the wrong foot, it's not fair.
I took MAP too also didn't work, it only works by stopping an egg from been released, if you take it when the egg has already been released then it wonO't work, as it just stops ovulation from occuring. Well thats how I understand it anyway.
No one is judging you at all, people make mistakes, its the fact that you really sound likd you are willing to live a lie, even if the child's your partners he still has the right to know, would you like to know if your partner had gone and had a one night stand behind your back and was a potential farther? I'm sure you would. My partner has had this done to him, and the girl is still denying it now and letting someone else bring him up as his own, even though he looks spitting image of my partner and believe me it causes more problems. So its best to get it out in the open with him and find out for sure when babys here. Don't spend your lifetime lying to your partner and child, if it comes out later, they will only resent you for it.
you are bang out of order not saying anything to your bf. it will come back and bites you in the ass in the end
I think the OP has said she has used the MAP several times, which is fairly shocking.
She needs to think about her morals.
Sleeping with more than one man while fertile is bewilderingly questionable. especially when the minor character has a family of his own,
What is the OP thinking. Why is she trying to rationalise a feral lifestyle? What hope is thee for her unborn child?
OP you are wrong to count back 8 weeks and 3 days from 3rd May. You must count back SIX weeks and 3 days as when they calculate gestation they add an extra two weeks to take it to the beginning of your cycle.
Therefore this takes you to a likely conception date of 19th March give or take 4/5 days.
Hi Leigh, what a horrible situation to be in. Nobody can tell you what to do, only yourself, although I think you've been given a lot of good advice from MNers on here.
This may be an expensive option but I think it is possible to get a DNA test in utero at 10 weeks (which would be 8 wks after conception). It does carry risks & you would need a blood sample from one of the men - possibly ask the one night stand guy for a blood sample so you can rule him out? That way your boyfriend needn't know until you are sure of who the father is.
Just an idea, may not be a viable one though, especially as it may be expensive. Best you google it.
I hope you make the best decision for yourself. But I do echo that your boyfriend ought to know if there is a chance it is not his.
you sound delightful !
If your baby isn't your bfs then you want a termination .. the baby is still yours! and do you really think you should be having a baby with your bf if it is actually his!? there are clearly issues for you to dtd on him!
I can't believe you are actually contemplating lying to the two men involved in this dreadful situation of your creation. Have you no decency? You clearly have a lack of morals and think you would benefit by takin a good long hard look at yourself and how you have allowed this to happen.
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