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to not tell MIL when I go in labour...

(36 Posts)
rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:29:57

Hi...
Im due in 8 weeks and it's DP first child. MIL is very head strong and has assumed/demanded that she will be also at the hospital too. As she was with her other dgc.

I went to talk to SIL who said she was in and out every 5 mins during labour, going for smokes then actually started banging on window when she was actually giving birth so DH would come out and speak to her. He ignored her and MIL kept knocking.

MIL actually told me the knocking story too but said she was knocking on window as no one came out and told her what sex the baby was. She was quite bemused at this as to why they would be so inconciderate!

I feel i cant trust her to sit in waiting room so dont actually want her at hospital at all!

Also i dont want her grabbing baby when she is born stinking of fags.

I've spoken to DP last night about it and suggested NO one comes to hospital and then just have every one come to house when i get back some every one can meet her together.

The thing is MIL will be absolutly devostated if she cant come up, we are planning on not telling any body when i go in labour. She will freign the wounded puppy and make the whole birth about her. I dont know wether to tell her no one will be there before hand or just smile and nodd when she brings it up.

WWUD?

rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 11:34:10

hey i have posted this in AIBU for traffic x

rosiedays Tue 26-Feb-13 11:36:48

stand your ground. it's a special time for you and your patner. it's your labour, your baby. i'm not telling ANYONE other than DH when i go in.
If you really cant, have a word with the MW at the hospital when you go in and they will keep her at bay for you!
good luck.

5madthings Tue 26-Feb-13 11:37:18

Yadnbu not at all!

scaevola Tue 26-Feb-13 11:39:43

YANBU: the proper time to "announce" labour is at its conclusion, not its onset.

Twinklestarstwinklestars Tue 26-Feb-13 11:40:15

Yanbu, my mil is not quite that bad but not far off! She informed us she wants to be a grandma this time (this is our dc3) but isn't interested in the others!

We didn't tell her last time but someone must have cos she was ringing and texting every 5 mins then pestering to come to the hospital, the midwives had to get rid of her in the end as his temp was low but she was refusing to put him back in the hot cot to warm him up.

We won't be telling her this time either if we can help it but am hoping friends will have the other 2 dc so other family don't get dragged into it.

tomatoplantproject Tue 26-Feb-13 11:47:49

I wouldn't tell her - you don't want the distraction of her being a pain, and the stinking of fags - just yuk!

My dh told both sets of parents when things were starting to ramp up but they are all 3 hrs drive away. I had an emergency cs that was a very positive experience but having a parent panicking and worrying would have made it v distressing.

In any event we only had visitors once we were home - the postnatal ward was very busy and we didn't have much space. We were also getting the hang of feeding which I would have felt very uncomfortable doing in front of an audience.

She sounds v dramatic - I would avoid the histrionics and deal with them afterwards.

Good luck!!

Bejeena Tue 26-Feb-13 11:54:02

Not at all unreasonable.

I worry about this too, not that my inlaws will be at the hospital as we live abroad but mainly that my FIL has a habit of constantly texting and wanting to know what is going on. I can see it coming as he is like it when we travel anywhere too. I don't my husband to be hassled with this, I want himto be 100% concentrated on looking after me and the baby.

EuroShaggleton Tue 26-Feb-13 11:55:07

Definitely don't tell her!

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:15:10

She sounds selfish and self centred and the last person you will need near you when the time comes. I wouldn't tell her - its not her day it's yours and your DP. It's a one time only event and you will never get that time back - don't let anyone ruin it for you.

TinkyPeet Tue 26-Feb-13 12:22:17

I would tell her in advance and let her sulk now rather than trying to play the victim when baby is born. Make it clear to her that she is a grandparent not a parent this time and has no right to demand to be there. Tell her simply that you don't want her there and if she doesn't like it then she will just have to get over it xx

Rockchick1984 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:29:18

Tell her the hospital policy now is only 1 birth partner so she can't be there? FWIW I loved having visitors in hospital once I was on post natal ward - easiest way to guarantee no one would stay too long (2 visitors to a bed, visiting hours only 2 hours twice a day) and to guarantee FIL didn't expect me to be bringing him cups of tea and cakes like he did once we were home grin

MerryMingeWhingesAgain Tue 26-Feb-13 12:30:18

God no, don't tell her until baby is out and you have at least had a brew.

If she sulks about it, tough titty you can tell her things just moved quickly and you forgot/didn't have time,or my favourite - you had changed your mind and realised you needed the birth to be private. I like this one because it implies you had wanted her to be there and you are sorry you felt you needed the privacy.

First baby we told no one until after she arrived. Second time, I had to tell my MIL that DH wouldn't be visiting her tomorrow as I was 'having a few twinges and thought the baby was coming fairly soon' (I was in labour but knew it would be ages and didn't want her asking for updates) but otherwise told no one until I needed my sister to care for my PFB while I went in.

It's a private time for you and DH - feel free to lie through your teeth as much as you need and you can blame anything on the hormones afterwards grin

MiaowTheCat Tue 26-Feb-13 12:35:26

Find a hospital where the labour suite's above the ground floor? If she can knock on THOSE windows I'd be impressed!

But yep I wouldn't tell her - if needs be tell her that hubby was so busy worrying about you and the baby that phonecalls were the last thing on his mind!

SneezySnatcher Tue 26-Feb-13 12:37:35

We told nobody with DD. DH called parents after she was born. I hated the thought of everyone sitting around at home checking their phones, texting each other and waiting. Honestly, it made me feel sick. We did have visitors the next day at the hospital though.

This time we need child care for DD, but I'm considering swearing to secrecy whoever has her until this one has arrived safely.

Jojay Tue 26-Feb-13 12:38:47

I never understand why anyone tells anyone apart form their DH / DP / birth partner, when labour begins - once you're settled on the post natal ward is quite soon enough.

Stick to your guns.

cupcake78 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:45:20

I have no intension of telling my mil when I go into labour. Why does she need to know? She doesn't IMO.

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 26-Feb-13 12:45:43

YANBU. scaevola says it best.

I would not dream of telling anyone except my birth partner.

I ignored phone calls and texts too when on my way. My mum kept ringing during DD2's birth. I did not pick up. That's what voicemail is for. It is kind of an intimate experience. Well, if I gloss over the hospital staff.

Good luck!

FrequentFlyerRandomDent Tue 26-Feb-13 12:47:35

To answer your question: smile and nodd. Don't engage.

MisselthwaiteManor Tue 26-Feb-13 12:48:24

My MIL has already announced that she will be in the room during the birth. I don't bloody think so hmm I'm planning on telling no-one either. I do have a back up plan for if they show up, it involves telling them to piss right off and making sure they do and then blaming all the hormones/drugs for my rudeness afterwards. grin

You have every right to have your birth exactly how you want it!

Having done this a few times now can I give you a little hint. If you aren't going to tell her then make sure in the month or so before the birth you are regularly unavailable when she phones and call her back a few hours later, if the first time she isn't able to get in touch is when you are in labour she may head down to the hospital just in case, whereas if its happened a few times beforehand she will just think you are being scatty and not calling her again.

Indith Tue 26-Feb-13 12:53:56

I don't get this whole telling people when you go into labour thing. Only people I ever told were dh and the MW, can't say it crossed my mind to ring anyone else! Your MIL can bloody well wait and visit you when YOU are ready for it.

I'm due this week, and no one except my DH (and my very close friend if I need a lift to hospital) will be told until I am home and settled. The last thing anyone in labour needs is an unwelcome audience.

The midwives are there to look after you, so tell them your fears in advance and request that she is not allowed on the ward. If she does get in kick up a fuss and tell her to go away/have her removed.

mrssmooth Tue 26-Feb-13 13:06:17

I can't understand why people other than birth partners feel they have a right to be at the birth! If my mum or mil had announced they were going to be there when I had my dcs, they would have been told in no uncertain terms that they bloody well would not be there! It's such an intensely private time between you and your partner! Why would they think they'd be welcome unless they were asked?! I personally like MissyMoo's advice ... be "unavailable" every now and then and see what happens! I guess if she still doesn't take the hint and does find out when you are in labour, tell the midwives under no circumstances is she to be let in! Hope all goes well with the birth and mil keeps her distance!

racheld33 Tue 26-Feb-13 13:06:43

I didn't tell anyone when in labour, my dad called at our house 2 hours into it, I pretended all was fine, sat smiling (grimacing) on the sofa whilst he chatted for 10 mins and then he left, and I continued!
It is so private, and sometimes can go on for days, so I just wanted it between me and my DH.

My cousins MIL was fuming when she was told the baby had arrived, and she had not been told the labour had even started! I think, your baby, your decision!

rrreow Tue 26-Feb-13 13:16:38

I didn't tell anyone. You never know how long it's going to take and you'll have enough worries without having to take into account how someone else is feeling. It's YOUR birth, YOU get to decide. If your MIL decides to be petty about it afterwards that is her problem, not yours.

Emsyboo Tue 26-Feb-13 13:18:33

Don't tell her and put in your birth plan and let midwives know you just want it to be DH and you they will hopefully stop her if they know she is not welcome and if it's the same rule for your parents it doesn't seem as bad.
No way would I want MIL near the labour suite! What does your DH think? Is he supportive?
I agree about letting her visit on the ward when my in laws came round after DS was born they wouldn't even let me sit down I had to find a deck chair as the lot of them arrived on mass and took all the sofa and chairs. Not ideal 2 days after giving birth and of course they expect you to cook them food and make drinks.
At least on the ward you are expected to wash your hands (will help with fag smell yuck!) and limited visiting hours!
Good luck she sounds a nightmare

Dogsmom Tue 26-Feb-13 14:22:25

I'm another who isn't telling anyone either and don't understand why anyone would want to? It's my first but I can't imagine sitting at home timing my contractions and thinking 'I'll ring so and so to tell them'.
What's the point?
It could be false labour or one that is going on for days.

I also don't want to stress people unneccessarily, they wont benefit from sitting around waiting for updates and my husband certainly wont benefit from having a string of texts and calls for updates.

Another thing is that I want a few hours of just me, my husband and my daughter, stress free, getting to know each other, it's a once in a lifetime thing and I can't imagine anything worse than having visitors turn up wanting to take her off me.

Kateliztmum2be Tue 26-Feb-13 14:43:38

i'm having a similar issue with my MIL.
She is very opinionated about things and rather than offer advice kind of tells you what is best!

I'm a long while away from giving birth but have already discussed with DH, it will just be us two together when the time comes.

Can your DP not have a word with his mother? perhaps coming from him it will be better received?

Labour can be stressful enough without having to worry about others who aren't really involved. I think you have to be strong in this instance and you and your DP need to stick together!

I hope everything works out for you, wishing you a safe and stress free arrival!

x

milkyjo Tue 26-Feb-13 14:59:52

I would make it clear from the start that people will be told after the birth and it will just be you and partner there - to avoid any sneaking around and covert operations which may lead to more stress and arguments afterwards (which with a newborn you don't really need). But then I've never had a problem with pushy parents or PILs. I think either way you need to make sure MIL is defo NOT in the room with you! Good luck xx

Kafri Tue 26-Feb-13 16:28:01

Another one who didn't tell anyone I was in labour. Was admitted to hospital the day before with high through the roof BP and didn't want visitors while I was in pain.

Had decided with DH, who was happy to go with my wishes, early on that we would keep it to ourselves until DC's arrival.

Called the grandparents once I was all cleaned up and had the obligatory tea and toast. DH called my mum and I called his. Was lovely to say 'Hi Grandma' to each when they weren't expecting it. Well, obviously they were expecting it at some point round about then but we hadn't told them we weren't telling anyone so as far as they knew i'd not gone into labour IYSWIM.

Neither were upset at not being told as they were too excited at having a new grandchild and wanted all the details about him.

So, don't tell them anything. Don't even tell them you're not going to let them know until there's a baby. Just keep quiet and make the call afterwards. She'll be excited to have a new baby around so probably won't bother being offended. and if she is offended, tell her it was a private time between you and DH and to p* off grin

I'm 9 weeks with our first and only a few minutes after telling the MIL she said, 'oooh I'm not going away in September now, I'll want to be outside that hospital with a flask!' It's not due until October 1st and the holiday was going to be 1st week of Sep! and why would she be outside with a flask? Basically she has assumed that we will tell her when it all starts hasn't she! I only want it to be me and H2B at the hospital during labour as I don't want to think MIL and FIL could 'pop in' any minute. I could be legs akimbo, pooped myself, anything!!! I want to have the baby with only H2B and MW, get cleaned up and try to feed before we tell anyone. I haven't spoken to H2B about it yet but rest assured, whatever he thinks, IT AINT HAPPENING LIKE SHE THINKS. I don;t like the thought of the pressure either, knowing someone is waiting in the same building to pounce on baby soon as it pops out. Trouble is, they only live about half hours walk from Hospital (they don't drive), so if they get wind we are there, they will turn up. Oh god, I know exactly how you all feel and I hadn;t realised until writing this how much I DONT WANT ANYONE TO KNOW until I'm ready.

I just know that nearer the due date, they will be all 'any news', 'let us know if anything starts' etc and we'll prob nod and H2B will feel guilty and tell her angry

rainand Tue 26-Feb-13 18:09:50

OP, I posted on your other thread, do not tell her. And if she gets upset later, just make an excuse up, but leave that to your DH to sort out.

34PinkLadyApple, start preparing your husband mentally to not tell her.

I just worry that my labour will be long and dh will need someone to vent/talk to (and hence may call his mother/sister). I'm having a discussion with mine today just to make sure we are both reading from the same page!

Kafri Tue 26-Feb-13 19:25:40

maternity units are very secure. my mw tokd me it was to keeo the babies in and the unwanted visitors out. You'll all get your time with baba as yiu can only have a limited no of people on delivery and any mw will gladly tell any extras where to go.
then on mat - certainly ny mat ward anyway - visiting was limited to an hour in the aft and an hour and half ib evening apart fron partner who could be there 12 -8. they were very very strict about it.

dont fret yourselves about it. honestly it won't be an issue. if you don't want to be the bad guy in it all then let the mw tell any unwanted visitors where to go.

rodandtheemu Tue 26-Feb-13 20:19:58

Thanks for your replies! I actually think im going to tell her when she next brings it up. Along the lines of '' my dm wants to go( she wouldnt dream of it) also so there wont be enough room for DP! so no one is going except DP.''

I actually thought it would be better having no visitors at all and just seeing them at home but as rockchick and emsyboo suggested it dawned on me i would be up and down like a yo yo at home!
confused argh!

I think im going to just go bed with baby too when I want them to go as my friend was gve birth at 6am and was allowed home that day and when she came home Fils sat there till 12 at night and had to get up with other dc at 7 for school!

Catchingmockingbirds Tue 26-Feb-13 20:23:47

Definitely stand your ground and tell her it is a very special moment for you and your dh and you don't want other people there, but to be safe you shouldn't tell her when you go into labour too just incase she decides to overrule your decision and come along anyway.

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