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Pg and not fiancee's

(135 Posts)
Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 07:41:59

Hi,
Firstly, please don't judge me. I feel bad enough!

I am pregnant and its not my fiancees, although he is aware, and taking on the baby as his own.We broke up a couple of months before I fell pregnant. I stupidly slept with a close male friend. Close male friend totally disowned me, saying to get an abortion etc. He has said he wants nothing to do with me or baby and never wants to see me again.

Fiancee was devastated when we broke up and we got back together. I then found out I was pregnant, and realised it wasn't and couldn't be his child. I discussed this with him, and although upset, he understood I couldn't terminate. I explained that I would understand if he didn't want to continue with the relationship. But, he has been amazing. We've had a few times of insecurity, on his, and my part, but after openly discussing, decided to continue with the r/s and pregnancy.

I feel nervous and wonder if fiancee is really ok with pregnancy. He has children from a previous r/s but hasn't told them anything. He said he's told his mother, but no-one else.

I'm wondering how he will be when baby is born, even though he says he will put his name on birth certificate and call child his own. Is this even legal?

I'm happy to be pregnant, but, I've had an extremely traumatic past year or so. Won't go into details, but had to leave work due to severe trauma which developed into PTSD. This still affects me now, and I have episodes of severe sadness and regret. I did have counselling, and have since periodically spoken to samaritans, who say I underwent a severe and multiple trauma and need to be a bit easier on myself.

Feeling very tearful this morning, and really don't want to be judged. I feel bad enough as it is. sad

Trazzletoes Tue 26-Feb-13 08:03:04

(((Hugs)))

I can't really help with anything else but no, I don't think it's legal for him to be named on the birth certificate. He is not the biological father of your child and by being named on the birth certificate, he is taking rights away from another man who, although he doesn't want them now, may change his mind in the future.

Leaving aside the pregnancy for a minute, do you really love your fiance and want to be with him..... for the right reasons? It sounds like the relationship has been rocky in the past if you broke up and conceived with someone else. Having a baby is hard, if you are not happy with your partner it will be harder.

No, you shouldn't name him on the birth certificate if you know he isn't the father. That would be a terrible thing to do to your child, who will have a right to know who their biological father is.

Look after yourself, you have been through a traumatic time and pregnancy hormones won't be helping.

Mama1980 Tue 26-Feb-13 08:28:10

I have no real advice sorry but absolutely no judging here (( unmumsnetty hugs))
Do you think maybe you need to take some time to think, and really decide what you want? If you want to be with your fiance?
As for the birth certificate no you can't put him as the father when he is not thats not legal and very unfair to your child.
Take care

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 08:31:10

Wow, what a year... I have a lot of respect for you actually. Why would anybody judge? You weren't in a relationship at the time (for many people that in itself is where they would judge I guess but plenty of people make mistakes), and for the foreseeable future you weren't in a relationship.

I think you are feeling bad because you feel sad for your fiancé. Obviously the circumstances of the break up etc are none of my business but you make it sound like it was mutual and the sad bit is you wanted to make it work this time around. Then you found out about your pregnancy... And feel you have messed up again when you just wanted it to be right and forever. Of course, you can tell me I'm wrong, but that's how interpret it. The bad thing about guilt is that it eats away at you, and two things can happen:

1) You change the way you behave towards your OH - perhaps trying too hard or making sacrifices because you feel you owe it to him
2) You become very defensive about things which can affect your relationship.

Look out for these. (Btw I have no experience nor am I qualified to offer advice but I'm just writing what comes into my head and seems to make sense to me! Take or leave or believe what you like!). Your fiancé wants to be with you because of who you are - don't change that, just be yourself.

So, it's early days and I imagine you will always feel guilty, but start getting over it as much as you can and get back to being you. You can't change the situation. If your fiancé decided to walk then that would be his choice and I don't think you could blame him. But he didn't. He's told you what his decision is and what he wants to do and you have to respect that. He loves you, and he will love the baby you have made because it too is part if you, I'm sure. He loves the fact that you feel so strongly for your bean and can't face aborting it - and if you care about something he will too. It sounds like you have a pretty awesome guy there...

Yes, he will probably always feel a bit sad - but he has kids from a previous relationship too. Granted your intimate relationship with your friend wasn't exactly long term... But things happen. You both accept that you have lived and loved before, and this is your new chapter. It's not unusual to have step children that you love like your own. And apart from the genes, everything else about this child will be his - he will bring it up, teach it to ride a bike, take it to school, change its nappy, hold its hand, kiss its grazed knee - it's his, the other guy disowned it. And its yours, and he will see you in the child. If he can accept all this then you have to as well, and make it any harder on yourself, or for him.

I don't think I can suggest that you stop talking about it - it's too early for that, but it might soon be time to start sweeping up any egg shells you are walking on. There will likely be times when he gets sad and down and you will need to let him have some space, and times when he needs a hug and reassurance that he is the one for you - and how his amazing behaviour and support makes him the best thing that ever happened to you - but so long as you show him every day that he is the most important person in your life then that is all you can do.

You can't predict whether your relationship will stand the test of time, or whether things will work out, but that isn't your fault. Both of you may have more decisions to make that come about in the future and you will have to tackle these at the time and respect each others' feelings. You only have the here and now, and the decisions and situation you have now, and you have to live for now. Who knows what might happen tomorrow anyway? Take every day at face value. If you want to make it work, respect your current decisions as a couple and embrace them. It is no help to worry about the future, it might never need worrying about. And if it does, then worry about it then!

Good luck with everything - and stop blaming yourself quite so much! You aren't the only one to have made a mistake with contraception... Which, ultimately, is what happened. And your "mistake" could well be one of the best things that ever happens to you!

Look after yourself and your fiancé, just be yourself smile

PS The hormones won't be helping... So keep things in perspective and ask for help from your GP etc if you need it. flowers

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 08:44:48

Phew, I'm typing this with tears streaming down my face. I'm so confused. I love my baby, and realise I need to keep calm to protect them. I am totally confused about what to do about the babies natural father though. What happens when its born? Who do I put on the birth certificate? Is it wrong if the baby grows up calling my fiancee its father? Should the baby know fiancee isn't its father? Will baby be traumatised by rejection from natural father. Natural father said so many negative things about the baby and me. He said even if baby turned up at his door in years to come he'd reject it. He said he won't change his mind.

Oh my goodness, I really don't know what to do?

I'm not working and not likely to due to being pregnant again, until after the baby is born. I don't have much money and struggle every week. I feel traumatised due to what happened in the past year, and am grieving my life before the trauma happened. I used to earn brilliant money, and enjoyed my work. I know I had to leave work as it was severely affecting my health, and there is no price for that. When I first applied for benefits, I was refused as I'd left my job. I had to appeal, and go into deeply personal detail, which humiliated me so much sad

Wish sometimes that I could just run away and hide..... but know I can't.

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 09:05:18

When you say "don't know what to do", what do you mean? Are you wondering about termination? What are the options you are considering?

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 09:08:34

No, I would not consider abortion at all.
I don't know what to do regarding the baby and my r/s with fiancee....

There were reasons why we broke up in the first place, yes. I won't go into detail. But, the trauma had a significant affect on me and how I behave.

Fiancee behaves like a child sometimes, and one of the reasons I'm so confused today is that I am wondering if indeed want to continue with the r/s.

I'm feeling so consumed, and confused.

TinkyPeet Tue 26-Feb-13 09:32:54

With the birth certificate, you can't simply 'put down a name' the father has got to be present at the registration to be named as father unless the parents are married. Obviously you can't put your dp, and it won't do any harm to leave it blank, it won't have any effect on your baby and nobody will know there's only one parents name there, it's only a form.
As for your relationship, I think the only thig you can do is sit down with your dp and get all the issues out in the open and decide together hat the best way forward for the both of you is. Try not to let your hormones rule your decisions, I know it's easier said than done. Good luck xx

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 09:46:13

I agree with the above. My long post probably completely didn't help! If you are unsure then I think that says something... If the relationship doesn't hold we'll then with a baby it might be worse. You want the baby to have a father, but if you aren't sure he is the right one I would suggest not rushing. Financial reasons have to be irrelevant really in terms of your decision because ultimately your relationship will affect your happiness and that of the baby.

You have to think about why you got back together and whether it is for the right reasons - for example that you love him and pretty much everything about him, with all your heart, he will stand by you, and you can't imagine being happier with anyone else.

If you aren't sure you need to to take your time and work it out. The decision about the baby is made, but in my opinion the best decision you can make for your baby is the one that is best for your long term happiness, which means the right partner. A happy home is the best home, even if that means a home without a dad, at least in the short term. That is only my opinion, I'm sure others will disagree.

The stuff about the biological father is pretty irrelevant if he doesn't want to know and you are keeping the baby, it is what it is; so in my view there is no point in stressing about that for now. It just means that one day you might have to have that frank talk and let your child ask questions.

You have to talk it out, and if you are going round in circles with the same things you broke up for in the past and things aren't changing then maybe they never will. But you have plenty of time to work this out, so give the hormones chance to chill too. Hugs, and good luck.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 09:55:07

Read through all of the posts, and I'm going to be brave now.....

Fiancee seems to have a problem controlling his sexual urges. blush

We broke up as I couldn't deal with waking up and finding him touching me, and ultimately trying to enter me or wanting to have sex. Also he left his email system open and I saw an email to a woman he met on the train. He said how good it'd been to meet her and that he'd like to go out for dinner or drinks. When I confronted him, he said that I have male friends, and why shouldn't he have female friends. He admitted eventually that he'd found her sexually attractive, and was feeling insecure with me. Said he would have told her he was in a r/s, and wasn't looking for anything but friendship. I didn't and still don't believe him.

Last night I was woken up by him intimately touching me, again. He'd done it a few days before, and promised it wouldn't happen again.

When we broke up, and got back together it was with the condition that things had to change. He promised that he would not behave like that again. Saying if he did, then I was within my rights to end the r/s.

Part of me is thinking him behaving like this is a get out clause on his part. Is he feeling insecure about the baby and behaving like this to make me finish with him?

I'm so ashamed to be admitting this blush..... I am so worried about being judged. I'm on benefits, pregnant and with a man who I think (not sure) I love, and if I'm honest, although we have good times and he makes me laugh, I realise he is sexually abusive. OH GOD confused

Trazzletoes Tue 26-Feb-13 10:19:42

Oh my God confused you need to get out if this relationship NOW!

You cannot seriously be thinking about spending the rest of your life with a man who is abusing you like this.

Please please put yourself and your baby first. You do not have to live like this.

DolomitesDonkey Tue 26-Feb-13 10:32:20

It is NOT illegal to "lie" on the birth certificate about paternity - good grief - where does this come from? It might not be ethical, but if we're going to start locking women up because they're "not quite sure" it's a slippery slope.

FWIW - where I live only my husband can be named on the birth certificate - no matter how many men I entertained behind the bins!

DolomitesDonkey Tue 26-Feb-13 10:32:41

"slippery slope" - I did not mean it's a "slippery slope" - I meant it's fucking insane.

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 10:32:58

Sorry to hear you are having such a terrible time of it. I agree with a few posts on here already - you need time to figure out if you want to be with your fiancée at all. His behaviour is unnerving - I agree. Have you challenged him about his bahaviour towards you? it sounds really awful. No woman (or man) should have to put up with that - its rape... you arent consenting becuase you arent awake. How terrible for you. It sounds like you don't trust him in other ways too - from the email you found. It sounds to me like there are some control issues - he feels insecure and his way of taking back control is to abuse you - that is not right, you don't have to put up with that. I would worry too about how he will deal with the baby - it's going to take up a lot of your time - how will he deal with that? Also your baby shouldn't have to witness any of this behaviour and think its normal because it really isn't.

Is there somewhere you can go for a few days to just think things over? You really need to separate the two things- the baby and your relationship. You already know you want to keep the baby, so that is something you can put to one side for the moment. Deal with the relationship first - do you want to be with him? Abuse of any kind is not ok - I'd get out of there like a shot.

Sounds like a very tough time but try to stay calm and if you can get some support from friends and family to help see it through brew. I'm sorry you are having to deal with this.

Trazzletoes Tue 26-Feb-13 10:38:49

Sorry if I was a bit harsh, I didn't mean to be.

Please re-read what you have posted, OP. ok, so you're pregnant and the circumstances aren't ideal. But they are what they are. You can't change them.

IMO the reasons why you split with your fiancé in the first place are very valid. This does not sound like one of those times when a couple broke up and they really shouldn't have. Although, I do tend to be of the view that if you break up, it's for a reason and you should stay broken up. I struggle to believe that people can really change change themselves to make what was a broken relationship work again long-term.

You've said it yourself, this man is sexually abusive. He said he would change. He didn't. He promised again he would change. A couple of days later and he's abusing you again.

Who knows what could happen next time. Please, please get yourself some help, get out and stay out of this relationship. You can and will cope alone. Alone will be so much better than being afraid to go to sleep.

Maybe he is trying to get you to dump him by abusing you. Who cares - just please do it.

Trazzletoes Tue 26-Feb-13 10:42:26

Dolomites a birth certificate is a legal document. If you knowingly put the wrong man's name on it, why wouldn't it be a criminal offence?

And who has said the OP would be locked up for it? No one. Just because you commit a criminal offence does not automatically mean that you are sent to prison.

MerryMingeWhingesAgain Tue 26-Feb-13 10:42:26

Seems to me the relationship and the pregnancy are two separate issues.

Your 'D'P is a sexually incontinent arsehole. He is knowingly assaulting you, I'm not sure why you are tolerating it. You split up with him before - you were right to then.

The baby - it sounds like you are firmly set on having this baby on your own and that sounds like a sensible enough plan, much better to parent alone than with a twat. And I feel pretty damn sure that if your current bloke was still around, he would be throwing it back in your face that it's not his child and resenting the demands a baby puts on any relationship.

TinkyPeet Tue 26-Feb-13 10:42:34

Donkey, with all due respect, it's not about just telling a 'lie' and that's the end of it, if the op was to name her current partner as baby's dad, what happens if the baby has a medical condition that turns out to be hereditary? Or something happens later on in life and things would just be made worse by having knowingly put someone else's name down to make them feel better at the time? It may not be illegal to knowingly put the wrong name down but IMO it should be! X

I'm so sorry for what you are going through.

I think you should try to accept the fact that both these men have completely let you down and are not suitable for being in your life anymore, at all.

Your friend has made it clear he wants nothing to do with you or the baby -- fine, his loss.

Your fiance is a rapist and you need him out of your life, now.

Let them go. They're twats. Focus on building up a support network for you and the baby, and focus on the positives, like -- you're going to have a baby! Get rid of your fiance and you can focus on how great it is to be having a baby, instead of worrying about him all the time.

How far along are you? If you tell your midwife everything you are going through, especially with the PTSD, there is a lot of support you can hopefully access.

I know you must be scared but just keep taking deep breaths and talking to people and asking for help and advice. One day at a time.

MerryMingeWhingesAgain Tue 26-Feb-13 10:44:48

Last night I was woken up by him intimately touching me, again. He'd done it a few days before, and promised it wouldn't happen again.

When we broke up, and got back together it was with the condition that things had to change. He promised that he would not behave like that again. Saying if he did, then I was within my rights to end the r/s.

He hasn't changed and he doesn't plan to. And you do not need his permission to end the relationship shock

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 10:52:27

This may sound extremely feeble, blush but, and its a big but, I'm worried about being judged... Yes, I know it sounds pathetic. Its always easier to judge other peoples lives, but when it comes to your own life, its not that easy.
I am not just pregnant, I'm several months, hence not aborting, not that I would do anyway. I'm showing and am feeling the baby move, and I know the babies sex.

I am living a fasade it seems, that all is well and that my fiancee is a wonderful man. After my trauma, I was desperately sad, and if I'm honest was with him for the security and because I felt so scared being on my own. As I'm writing this, I'm feeling so pathetic and thinking, oh my goodness, what do I sound like?

I know that what he is doing is wrong, and it scares me. Is he insecure about the baby, hence taking back some control by sexually abusing me? Does he feel its his right to sexually touch me? He says that when I'm asleep I push onto him and he thinks I'm giving him the signal that its ok to continue?

I'm so tired today, as I couldn't get back to sleep after it happened last night/early this morning. I blasted him, saying what the hell are you doing, and he turned over and went to sleep. I was unable to get back to sleep. When he left this morning (he doesn't live here, was staying over) I was on my computer with headphones in. He attempted to converse, but I totally ignored him, and he left. I've not heard anything from him all day.

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 10:56:43

How brave of you to write that down! That's why you are so upset this morning...

Confused, you know the answer, you have written it down for yourself to see. If he is sexually abusive (which that is) then who knows how things may change, for the worse... You know if you love someone, you said "I think"...

My opinion is you get out and start your new life with your bubba as your new exciting step and leave all your awful year behind. Things happen, you have such a low opinion of yourself! You sound like a strong woman to me, and you can probably do this on your own. Leave him behind. You can get a job, speak to dwp about your options now you are pregnant.

"I'm on benefits, pregnant, with a man I (think) I love... And who is sexually abusive" - smacks of low self esteem... thats what happens in situations like this. Pick yourself up honey, not everyone on benefits and pregnant is the same thanks - cut yourself some slack, chin up and start on your exciting new life somewhere else. I hope that's what I would do. You can do it xx

He tries to rape you because he's a rapist

I'm sorry to shout but really, don't torture yourself trying to figure out why he's doing it. It's so far beyond the boundaries of acceptable behaviour, you should focus on figuring out a way to get away from him, not understanding him better.

It's great he doesn't live with you.

If you are that far along, have you been able to get any specialised antenatal care?

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 10:59:53

By the way - people always judge about everything. If you stay, they will judge too. If I were you I'd get as far away as possible, where no-one knows me and I could start afresh. Much, much easier said than done in the short term, but perhaps in the long term you'd find it easier. x

MajaBiene Tue 26-Feb-13 11:02:30

Love, get out of this relationship - you don't need to tie yourself to a sexually abusive men, especially as (fortunately!) he isn't the baby's father.

Definitely don't put him on the birth certificate - this way you and the baby are free of him.

Lots of women raise babies on their own. You can do it. Enjoy your pregnancy and your beautiful baby without this poor excuse for a man in your lives.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:03:01

I do have low self esteem. I try so hard to be positive and have achieved so much in life. I'm kidding myself that he will change. I didn't want to leave my job, and I will be going onto maternity allowance soon, so no more going to the job centre to sign on. Again, please don't judge me, but, its sooo humiliating.

I feel totally and utterly devastated. I thought this man really did love me as he says, but he is confused as the what love is seemingly.

I worry how friends and family will judge me, as I have harped on about how wonderful and supportive he is.....

BraveLilBear Tue 26-Feb-13 11:13:35

Oh my confused my heart goes out to you. You're stuck in an abusive cycle. He is abusing you, he then 'apologises' blaming you for it 'I thought you were giving me a signal' and you accept that, but then he does it again.

He will not change. He needs serious psychological help. You need to be brave and make a fresh start with your baby. I know how tough this is, I have experienced a similar relationship when I was younger. He destroyed my already low self-esteem, a self-esteem it has taken me years to repair and build back up.

I know hard it is to invoke change when your self-esteem is low, so do it for your baby. Your baby needs a happy and healthy mummy. You will not be happy with this man because the cycle will never end and he simply cannot be trusted.

Find the strength and act now - it will be better and easier for you to do so now than after your baby comes.

As for the other things you've been through, have you got maternity mental health services in your area? I would really push for a referral if you haven't already had one - they are there specificially to help pregnant and new-mums adjust, especially when there's been a lot going on.

Wishing you love and luck.

You can't let other people run your life. You can't make such important decisions based on other people's judgment, you need to do what's best for you.

You can just say, 'Yes, in many ways he was supportive, but we had other problems that were really quite serious and it became obvious he would never change.' If people judge you for that -- well, let them go to bed with him and wake up to his abuse.

Don't worry about other people. You take whatever benefits you need, they are there to help people in rough times. Take the support you need right now and someday you will feel a lot better and be able to work and everything will be back to normal. But just take it one day at a time right now. Be kind to yourself.

BraveLilBear Tue 26-Feb-13 11:16:23

X-post - don't wory about your friends and family judging you - you tell them the truth, or you tell them it's not right for you and the baby. It doesn't matter.

Then you tell them that you want and need them to support you and they will.

You've been through so much, but a fresh start is within your reach. Be brave. Remember no-one can make you feel inferior except for yourself - show them and you how strong you can be.

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 11:16:37

Your family will be happy for you if you can bear to share the truth with them and move on, with their support. They want you to be happy, and you will be again I'm sure x

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 26-Feb-13 11:17:47

<<HUG>> What a bloody awful year (or more) you have had sad

No facade of a 'wonderful life' is worth this. People will judge no matter what you do (what any of us does - it's human nature).

You have said so yourself - your df is sexually abusing you. Get rid. YOU deserve better and your baby deserves better.

It wont be easy on your own, but it will be easier than dealing with a bloke who acts like a child and sexually abuses you. After you have had the baby you are less likely to be 'up for sex' and he will just keep abusing you and god alone knows how far he would take that (or how far he has already?!).

You will cope on your own, people will surpise you - some you thought would be supportive wont and some you thought wouldn't will - it's life.

Don't stay with this man who is abusing you - he offers you nothing but grief - get out while you can.

If it was me, I'd say I didn't know who the father was and I would only put myself on the birth certificate. Then neither of these dead beats have any control over you or your baby and the father can only get some PR if he goes to court - which he wont. Clearly.

Build a new life for you and your baby away from both of these 'men'.

lougle Tue 26-Feb-13 11:18:50

You'll find it a whole lot harder to leave if you're married than if you break it off now.

How can you possibly continue a relationship with a man who thinks you are his property to access whenever he has the urge?

Of course he can control it. He chooses not to. He has the option to ask you for consent, but he decides to just help himself to your body.

The paternity of your baby is the least of your worries and I think you know that sad

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 26-Feb-13 11:20:50

Just tell your family and friends that he wasn't as he appeared to be and that you are well rid of him. If you don't want to tell them why he's such a bastard (I think you should btw) then just say to them that you don't want to discuss the details, but that he was a bad egg and you are well rid... and if they want to support you, they just need to accept that.

It's also possible that your friends and family already have not so good feelings about your fiance, and just haven't told you.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 11:44:30

Oh my.......
Yes I know what I have to do, and I'm scared of doing this on my own.

Who will I accompany me when I go into labour. Family live miles away, as do a lot of my close friends.

I really don't want to do this on my own.....

Yes, I know I will leave this man, and for good, and no going back, no matter how much he tries to tell me he loves me.

Idratherbeknitting Tue 26-Feb-13 11:55:17

My heart goes out to you.

I think from your last few posts that you know what you need to and will do. Listen to these wise Mnetters who know who to contact for help.

As others have said, you'll be judged either way. And it wasn't until I split up with ExP that they all told me how they felt about him, and I got a lot of support.

I was just going to post about the birth certificate thing, but you can do it all by yourself. I split with awful ExP when just pregnant with our DD3, and he is not on her birth certificate. That's something I will explain to her when she is older.

My Dad drove me to the hospital, I went in on my own, and simply told the MW that I was on my own. I had my baby with just one MW (well, I had her as she wheeled me into a delivery room), and I cut the cord myself. I walked out of the hospital the next day, moved house two days later, and, almost five years on have never looked back.

The very best of luck to you, after what sound like an awful time; have your baby as your new start, I truly hope it all goes well for you. I viewed my baby as my reward for getting through, and getting free of him.

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Tue 26-Feb-13 11:58:19

If you're struggling to do it for yourself, then leave him for your child. Do you want your son or daughter to be exposed to this? He is abusing you and have got to get him out of your life. Be brave. You'll look back and wonder why it took you so long.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:01:51

My mind is racing......

What will I tell the baby when it grows up and ask questions about its father? Oh sorry my lovely, he didn't want you. Or the old cliche, Mummy lives in her house and Daddy lives in his house.

I know some might be thinking I'm blowing this out of proportion, but these things are all going round in my head.

I love this baby so much, even though its still inside me. I don't want to hurt or traumatise it. I know who both my parents are. How will the baby feel knowing its father didn't want it. Obviously I'll do everything to protect the baby from any trauma, but I can't lie forever....

HPsauceonbaconbuttiesmmm Tue 26-Feb-13 12:04:31

Don't lie. Just say you don't have a daddy but you have an extra special mummy. When older, explain that daddy didn't feel he could make you happy so isn't involved, or something similar. That is not a good reason to stay with this man.

SirBoobAlot Tue 26-Feb-13 12:19:46

Please please get out of this relationship. This man is sexually assulting you when you are asleep, and darling, if he is willing to do that after you've broken off the relationship, and are now pregnant, he will never stop, it will only ever get worse.

I know you're worried about people judging you, everyone is. Please don't let hold you back. Do what is best for you and your baby, and that is to leave this arsehole.

For what it is worth, I've been a single mum since my son can remember. He's not traumatized. He's happy. He knows he lives with mummy, and that we have lots of fun together. We've even talked about seperation, because he asked me why some mummies and daddies live together, and his don't. The answer was very simple; all families are different. Some live together, and some live apart. Just like Grandma / Uncle X / whoever live somewhere else, some daddies do as well. Doesn't change the fact that we all love you very much.

You are thinking far too in advance right now, when the currently set up is the one you need to be focusing on. This is not a healthy relationship for you, or for your child to come into.

I'm on benefits, it's tight, but I manage.

If you get on with your family, move back closer to them for a while maybe, get away from this prick whilst you sort your thoughts out. Once the baby arrives you will be eligible for housing benefit, and you will manage to set up a home with your baby. You say you were with this guy for security, but look at the way he has treated you. That's not secure. It's not safe. And it's not a happy world.

Much love to you.

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:21:01

It will be hard at first, but once you are away from him you will see him for what he is and take stock. He is an abusive partner - there is no denying it. You must think about your health and well being and if you can't bring yourself to do that for yourself just yet do it for the baby. It's growing inside you and he is a major threat to yours and your baby's health at the moment. X

lougle Tue 26-Feb-13 12:22:33

"Confused40
What will I tell the baby when it grows up and ask questions about its father?"

What will you tell your daughter when she tells you that her boyfriend tried to have sex with her when she's asleep?

Will you say 'it's alright love, that's normal?' or will you say 'that's not acceptable, you have to stop this now.'?

How can you say 'it's wrong if you've shown her it's ok by staying?

Equally, how can you expect your son to show girls respect if he grows up with the example of a man who thinks it's ok to 'take' sex?

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:23:33

And trust me when I say that your baby won't care about knowing his or her father if he treats people that way - and I am speaking from experience. My father is not a nice man and I don't want anything to do with him.

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 12:36:10

Staying with a bad guy to try to cover up the fact that your child's biological father isn't interested is most certainly not the answer! That is a separate issue. You tell your child that unfortunately his dad didn't feel he could be a dad and that he felt it would be better if he wasn't involved. You decided that you wanted to be mummy on your own and that you love your child unconditionally, and you wanted their life to be as wonderful as possible. Daddy didn't think life would be as good if he were around so he lives somewhere else, and that happens in lots of families.

You don't have to lie... One day your kid will ask and you tell them. Better to know the truth than to live under a lie that who he thought was daddy isn't, and on top of that he's an arse who makes mummy unhappy.

Go home to your parents and say you need help. I once had to tell my parents I was assaulted and it was so so hard cos I bizarrely felt I'd let them down. As it was my mum had been through a similar thing! Of course my dad wanted to flatten his face... But it wasn't as bad as I'd feared. I did it with a letter. Just go home and get a hug xx

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 12:37:56

And anyway, some day your kid might be lucky enough to get an amazing step dad that he/she thinks is wonderful! Lots of people take their mums/sister/best friend to their delivery too xx

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 12:50:20

Going home isn't an option I'm afraid! I have an independent life away from family for a reason. To escape abuse......

How ironic that I end up with an abusive man. I thought I was doing everything right by being this strong independent woman who had it all. Now look at me?

aufaniae Tue 26-Feb-13 13:26:57

"What will I tell the baby when it grows up and ask questions about its father?"

I don't know but you will work it out and it will be OK. FWIW my grandfather never knew who his father was, his mum never told him, and this was in very different times when it was scandalous to be born out of wedlock (not so now thank goodness!). He lived a very successful, full and happy life, it didn't hold him back in any way AFAIK!

Please don't stay in a relationship with an abuser, this will make you die inside and it's not a great recipe for being the best mother you can be to your baby.

This man does not deserve your time or your love. Your baby does. You need to get both of you away from him.

aufaniae Tue 26-Feb-13 13:34:17

"Who will I accompany me when I go into labour."

Is there a friend you could ask / would feel comfortable having support you?

Alternatively, you could look into getting a Doula to support you. It might be possible to hire the services of a Doula very cheaply if you are on a low income (and I would imagine especially if you're going it alone).

Info on what Doulas do here

Details on the Doula Access Fund here

daholster Tue 26-Feb-13 14:19:48

Sorry you can't go home. You can do well again! Find a friend, or go to a women's refuge and ask for advice. There's lots you can do - they aren't easy things but your responsibility goes past that now and to that bean that you love so much even though its inside and you've never seen it but its YOUR wriggly bean and it needs you to be brave and leave... And go to someone you trust, whoever it might be (friend, sibling, doctor) x

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:02:19

I did not know so many women out there had experienced similar to me, or would know someone who had. How sad. I could ask a friend to come with me to the labour, but I'm to embarassed, so the advice and information about doula's is perfect. Didn't even know such people existed.

I know what I have to do, its just putting it into action. Separating my emotions and putting them into reality is taking time. I've been reading up on sexually abusive men and scarily realise fiancee fits the description. Whoah....

I know that my child will grow up watching his behaviour towards me and think this is the norm. Its a cycle of abuse, and one I am ultimately responsible to stop......

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:12:47

Perhaps that's a good place to start - a place where you can meet women in similar circumstances. There is a lit of support out there for women who face abuse, could you look into your local services? Having grown up in an abusive home myself I understand how easy it is to accept bad treatment but you are right - you have the power to stop the cycle now. You deserve a loving, supportive and kind partner like anyone else does. Your baby deserves a happy and content mummy too. Don't sell yourself short x

Msbluesky32 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:13:12

Lot not lit

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 15:23:42

Umm, I'm reluctant to access services such as mental health as I believe they would judge me. I'm more than likely to get counselling after baby is born, but with a charity/women's centre or private, depending on my finances.

Reading through other women's experiences on the abuse site made me realise how isolated I've become. Not having any money restricts me from such a lot, considering my closest friends are all so far away.

I really feel that I do need support from my friends, but, I got back with fiancee and have sung his praises so highly. ....

aufaniae Tue 26-Feb-13 15:34:31

"I really feel that I do need support from my friends, but, I got back with fiancee and have sung his praises so highly."

Then, please talk to your friends. So what if you sung your fiancee's praises? Things have changed (he's gone back on a promise and you've realised he's actually abusive). It is his fault he's an abusive arsehole, not yours for hoping he wasn't.

Sorry if this sounds harsh (but I only know it because I was the same!). The person stopping you getting the help you need to deal with difficult situation is not him but you.

Yes, you may feel a bit awkward explaining that he's not the man you hoped he was, but it's really not important in the scheme of things, and insignificant compared to the help and support that any friends who care about you will give you.

Also, it's a great positive step to share with people in RL what's going on. When I finally admitted that my ex was abusive to friends in RL, it was a real relief, as if I had broken the spell. Before that I was in effect covering for him, and it was damaging to me.

Why not call a friend today and ask them to come over? I understand the feeling of embarrassment, I really do, but your friends will understand. Wouldn't you want them to tell you if they were in a similar situation, rather than hide it from you for fear of feeling embarrassed?

SirBoobAlot Tue 26-Feb-13 16:44:44

If your friends are good friends, then once you have explained to them - even vaguely - what he has been doing to you, then they will be fucking furious, call you a few names for not telling them earlier, and give you a hug. Understand how hard that is, but trust me, it helps.

Certainly look into doulas, they're wonderful. Also, when women give birth alone, it tends to be that there is a midwife with her at all times, so you won't be labouring by yourself.

glossyflower Tue 26-Feb-13 17:22:18

From personal experience I would be honest with your child's paternity. You could say your dad wasnt ready for you but I was and love you twice as much but I wouldn't lie or keep the identity secret.
I discovered who my biological father was at 26 and although I have an adopted father who brought me up as his own (and I believed he was my biological father until age 13) it mentally troubled me that I knew my mum was keeping a big secret from me.
I can understand my mums reasons though, it's complicated (basically she was abused) but I went through a lot of mental trauma before and after finding out.

As for the fiancé - you sound much better off without him TBH. Join some antenatal classes you will meet new friends locally.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 19:09:09

A very close friend rang me today. She is really supportive and I feel great having shared with her what has happened. I've not heard from fiancee all day. Just checked my emails and he sent one saying he hopes I've had a restful and relaxing day. He apologised for last night/this morning saying that he knows why I ignored him when he left this morning. He said he's giving me some space and is chastising himself. He says he's giving me some time away from him and hopes baby is ok.

I was hoping he would come over so I could give him the stuff that is here. I'm realising that he is controlling what happened last night. How many more times will he say he is sorry?

I think I'm going to plan for a doula to be with me during labour, but still not sure yet. Oh goodness, I don't know. I've got so much going on in my head and can't allow myself to think too deeply. I'm so tired too. When he'd woken me up I couldn't get back to sleep so feel really tired today.

ReikiMummy Tue 26-Feb-13 20:58:50

Confused.... oh wow.. (hugs) and ((more hugs))

Nothing else to add, except to say I've been in a similar relationship in the past and the best (and hardest) thing I did was to get out.

And yes, I had to "own up" to all my friends etc, but they understood. Except the one or two that I was better off without anyway...

Only you can do it, but I wish you all the strength to keep going with this.

I'm glad you can see what he's doing for what it is. Trying desperately to regain some control over a situation he quite frankly knows is out of his control.

((hugs))

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Tue 26-Feb-13 21:20:36

Of course you feel tired x You are exhausted by the relationship as much, if not more, than lack of sleep last night - it's emotionally draining.

You don't have to make any other decisions right now - than to keep this abusive bastard out of your life. That's all, that's the only thing you need to focus on right now - OK x

You have ages until you need to decide who is coming in with you when your baby is born - ages. Your friends wont judge you, it doesn't matter if you have sung his praises before - everyone does that and usually the louder they are singing, the more there is to cover up, I bet half your friends already think he's a prick and the other half will agree when YOU realise YOU are worth more than this shit and aren't afraid to tell your friends what a bastard he turned out to be, I expect most of them would like to lay him out flat for you.

Anyone who isn't supportive, isn't worth wasting your time on. Truely.

It's worth repeating...

1. This is NOT your fault, it is NOT a coincidence you ended up with someone who abuses you, it's the sad fact that so many do after they have been abused before. YOU can break this cycle, YOU are now in control. No one else.

2. You don't have to make any other decisions right now - than to keep this abusive bastard out of your life. That's all, that's the only thing you need to focus on right now - OK x

You and your baby will be fine, you will be far far better than fine. A lovely unit of two and in time, maybe you will meet someone who is worthy of sharing you life with - but you don't need them. You are a strong, independent woman - you can do it.

Confused40 Tue 26-Feb-13 21:53:23

I'm so consumed with this all. I've been out once today, to post two letters and couldn't wait to get back inside. I feel comfortable at home, and safe. I'm so glad that I'm not seeing fiancee today. I really don't have the energy.

I'm so scared of the future, and I know I should be taking one day at a time, but I'm struggling. I know worrying is a negative emotion, and achieves nothing. I'm looking forward to sleeping in my bed tonight in the knowledge that he won't be there. I was chatting with my friend, and she used a rude swear word when I explained that I'm scared to go to sleep sometimes as I wonder what I'll wake up to find him doing.

How awful does that sound?

Reading through some of the replies is mind numbing. I know he is a sexually abusive man, and its so hard to admit it, and even worse to read someone say so. The truth is the best policy for me though. I need to face up to it once and for all.

Like some of the posts have said, leaving the r/s will be the most difficult thing to do. I've gone back to him once before, so he obviously still hasn't changed and has less respect for me.

It makes me realise why I get so emotional sometimes too. Or is it passive aggressive? I don't know? I know that I've been hiding this for such a long time, and have done everything to try and cover it up. Obviously it hasn't worked.......

Confused40 Wed 27-Feb-13 22:21:22

I DID IT!! I'm now officially single!

After emailing me, which I ignored. He texted me the next morning, and then rang a couple of hours later. I ignored him again, and went shopping for some some pampering cocoa butter and shower gel, and then had a haircut. (Got some bargains, and it was only £12 for the hairdresser!!)

I'd been home about 15 minutes and he arrived at my house.

I let him in, and we talked with me telling him he was a sexual abuser and worse! He didn't like that accusation at all!! He seemed to think we'd taken that step in our relationship that allowed him to wake me up. He even said that he thought I was aroused?? I asked him if someone had behaved like this towards his sister how would he feel? He was unable to answer. I also said, how can I ever trust you again when you've behaved like this before several times previously, and been sorry each time. I told him that I should be entitled to sleep at night without wondering if he will wake me up touching me intimately.

I said I wanted to end the relationship and that I believe he needs psychological help. I asked him to label what he had been doing to me. Hearing him say sexual abusing was really sad! I said that the past year had been extremely traumatic, and he had not helped by behaving in such a way.

We went out for a chinese meal, as I couldn't face cooking, and wanted to get out of the house. He came back to the house afterwards, packed up his belongings that were here and left. Its the end of a relationship which I've realised has been a cycle of abuse.

I've ended that cycle of abuse, and now have some SERIOUS work to do on working out how and why I allowed this to happen. I've contacted a charity who specialise in sexual abuse and will be having some counselling.

I bought my babies coming home outfit today, and also applied to an access fund to have a doula with me when I give birth.

i just have to stop crying now sad

thanks to all the women who've taken the time to comment and for being so honest. I appreciate the honesty shown, and my heart goes out to all the women who have experienced similar, and for all those who are still suffering. I know leaving is the hardest thing to do!

Trazzletoes Wed 27-Feb-13 22:32:59

Wow! confused what an amazing, strong woman you are! Just look at what you have achieved today!

You cannot doubt now that you can achieve anything you want to, after what you have managed today.

I am so, SO proud of you. Well done. Here's to the rest of your life! wine

TwitchyTail Wed 27-Feb-13 22:38:52

What an awful scenario and good on you for being brave enough to get out.

Just wanted to comment on giving birth alone - I did (a few days ago grin ), by choice (happily married but inhibited about these things), and it was absolutely fine. I didn't feel at all unsupported, so don't let this worry you.

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Wed 27-Feb-13 22:41:20

Well done!!

Now you need to stay strong and do not get back with him, no matter what he promises, you have already seen that his word means less than nothing.

Don't be tempted to be his friend or to help him - you need to get him out of your life completely and move on.

I'm glad you are getting counselling smile

You brave, brave woman. Your last post is incredible - I'm so in awe of you. Your baby is going to have such a fantastic mummy.

Be kind to yourself x

Well done! I came on earlier to see if there was any update and am really really pleased that you had such a positive day, onwards and upwards xx

SirBoobAlot Wed 27-Feb-13 23:25:45

Well done, you brave brave woman. I'm sure you're feeling a mix of emotions right now, but you did the right thing. Much love to you darling.

Be proud of yourself. xxx

cakesonatrain Thu 28-Feb-13 03:53:39

Wow. I've just read this whole thread at once, and I'm so impressed at how you dealt with him. All of that in one day is a lot to achieve.

Well done for getting rid and for starting the next chapter of your life - you will be a great mummy smile

Confused40 Thu 28-Feb-13 05:24:14

Woke up to use the bathroom and can't sleep....
Keep thinking and analysing what's happened. So so many emotions going through my head.
Spoke to 'friend' who I've known for 18 years, and whom I thought would support me. She said her partner thinks I'm a 'Jezebel'. What has she said to him? Wondered why she was keeping her distance? At least I know where her loyalties lie sad

I'm lying here with tears streaming down my face. Knowing I have to face tomorrow, well today. My emotions are fragile, even though I'm supposed to be feeling empowered.

This doesn't mean I'm going to get back with him, but I'm not afraid to admit I'm scared and feeling lonely. I'm also frightened with the thought of coping financially. We'd planned on moving in together and him supporting me. Yes, I know I can do it without him. It doesn't make it any less scary.

It seems I'm finding out who my friends are, and they seem to be falling by the wayside. Which means they weren't friends to start with and have just judged me. I know people can be judgemental. I'm guilty of it too, but I'd support a friend who had gone through what I've been through. I look back at the past year, and all I've been through. This is my new beginning, one day at a time is all I can manage right now.

I need to be brave, strong, and ultimately my baby will learn from that. I'm so scared........ sad

Emsyboo Thu 28-Feb-13 07:26:40

So sorry you've had a bad morning and sorry your friend and her partner have been so insensitive.
You don't know how information is translated and passed on or how it was said but doesn't sound good for her being a reliable friend who will support you at the moment.
You are being so brave and doing the right thing! Stay strong for your DC I was brought up by a single mother and my dad turned up at the door when I was 21 regretting not having a relationship with me. I feel I never lost out and gained a lot from having a strong role model.
I think you have been through so much and worry you are at risk for post natal depression (or ante natal depression) see if there is some support you have been in an abusive relationship there is support for that and this with the PTSD makes you vulnerable - although I personally think you are doing amazing!
I got a lot if help for PND after my first DC with CBT to get me off anti depressants. I am not perfect but I am a lot better and cope with things much better including getting myself out of destructive thought cycles and less likely to sabotage myself.
I hope you consider help for long term but short term I think you are doing really well x x

OP well done, you have done so brilliantly to get out of this relationship, and started accessing more support. You're doing so great!!! Of course you will have wobbles but the hardest bit is done. It sounds like you're really trying to focus on the baby and all the positive things, that's a good way to go forward.

Your friend is a jerk. Why on earth would she tell you that??? I mean, even if her partner said that, she didn't have to tell you.

IME women in abusive relationships often have friends who are sort of abusive too, they say nasty things and are just users at the end of the day.

As you say, you are learning who your real friends are. This might be a painful experience but in the end it will be great because you can get rid of all the nasty influences in your life and just keep the positive people.

I'm so, so glad you are getting counseling and hopefully a doula. I really think that will help so much.

Take it easy today, be nice to yourself, and try not to think too much about people who don't deserve your love and friendship.

Trazzletoes Thu 28-Feb-13 10:07:37

Confused you are doing so amazingly well. You have woken up this morning to a new start.

At least your friend and her DH have shown their true colours and you don't need to waste your energy on them anymore. Focus on the friendships that ARE worth something, and you will soon be making plenty more friends who are deserving of you.

CajaDeLaMemoria Thu 28-Feb-13 10:36:34

You are doing amazingly. Honestly, you are an inspiration.

Keep going. The first steps are always the toughest but you are doing so, so well.

ExhaustedMamasita Thu 28-Feb-13 11:38:29

Just read this thread and had to reply.

Confused40 – I feel so sorry for you going through such turmoil on your own. I just wanted to share my experience, which may help.

My Mother got pregnant in her mid-20s, in a stringently Catholic country where single mothers were treated like second class citizens. Her partner, who she “thought” she loved was mentally abusive, domineering and quite frankly a complete arsehole. He begged her to terminate the baby but upon hearing the baby’s heartbeat, she refused, split up from the dkhead and decided to have her baby on her own. She cried everyday during the entire pregnancy. Due to her predicament, her family disowned her so she left and moved to a neighbouring country to see out the growth of her bump on her own. Living in basic accommodation and working in the most menial jobs just to earn some cash, she struggled to feed herself and her baby but at least she was far far away from the dkhead and her disapproving community. Anyway, she had her baby who turned out to be a very healthy, happy bundle of joy and her best friend in the whole world. I am that baby. In my opinion she was and is the strongest, most admirable woman I know. She was my Mother, my Father and my friend all rolled into one. After seven years of rebuilding her confidence and enjoying Motherhood she met the man of her dreams (a star), who was more than willing to take on a Mother with a child and so she lived happily ever after. The best thing she did was leave that dkhead who coincidently I’ve met once and had no connection with whatsoever. My step Father is my real Dad who I admire and love dearly, his signature being “if you don’t love yourself, no-one can love you.”

My advice to you is to dig deep down in your heart and seriously consider whether this relationship is right for you in the long term. Are you happy? An abuser won’t change his spots overnight and by the sounds of it he’s not even trying. We’re lucky we live in a country where support is available for those who need it. You don’t need him to make you feel good about yourself, that can only come from within. You still sound sore from your previous traumas and that’s perfectly natural. Just give it time and you’ll start to feel better about life and yourself in general. Have your baby, shower them with love and adoration and I can guarantee it will come back to you a million times over. You’re a strong, caring, wonderful woman who has a beautiful baby growing inside you. He/she needs you happy so they can be happy too. And by the way children living on a budget make them less demanding and more appreciative of things later on in life – it’s not a bad thing in the slightest. Start believing in yourself and everything else will roll into place. Huge hugs! X

ExhaustedMamasita Thu 28-Feb-13 12:29:27

Oh and by the way, I agree with Caja, sounds like you're doing great, you are an inspiration! Just keep on it.

Your "friend" sounds like a bit of a cow! Don't listen to her! There are single mother support groups out there - hunt them out and make new friends. Last thing you need is your own friends judging your circumstances!!

Good luck!

Msbluesky32 Thu 28-Feb-13 13:58:37

It sounds like you've had a traumatic couple of days but well done on confronting him. It might not seem like it right now but you will look back and feel very proud of yourself for being so strong. As for the friend - they don't sound like much of a friend to me, ignore it - you really don't owe anyone an explanation for anything you decide.

Teaandflapjacks Thu 28-Feb-13 18:17:15

I just wanted to reach out to you, with the other Ladies on here. You have gone through so much and I can totally understand just lying there and crying. Your ex-fiance sounded vile, TBH. I worried how he might affect you later with his touching, and worse, and even, terrible thought, your unborn child, partic. since it was not his own. Obviously this is just speculation, but it really worried me. Now you have removed your child to a place of safety.

I quite agree with dreamingbohemian that you often seem to have friends that are toxic and abusive too - even if they are only abusive to you, and no-one else you know. In the end people like this, they enjoy tormenting you, they enjoy seeing you wounded, they project onto you. You just need to walk away.

You will find some people being amazing, and others less so, or at least it will feel like this. This isn't because they are being unkind, people often get so wrapped up in their own lives, or don't know what to say sometimes when people are going through a bad situation, just hold on to that if you feel alone, when really you are not.

I would agree with going to the doctors and getting counselling if you can, from the other posters. I also thought of something that may help - when I went through a shocking time (whole other story), I found people saying 'you have got to keep active' really annoying. But actually when I bothered to do something small, it really helped - you could take up something like knitting - just knit a scarf for your baby. It really doesn't matter what it looks like, the point is, you are doing it. Or something else similar. I don't know if this sounds trite - i really do not mean it to - was just thinking of something to keep you putting one foot in front of the other. The other thing I found really helpful was a really easy comedy that was nothing to do with 'falling in love' - so I watched Vicar of Dibley, and Father Ted constantly. When I was crawling the walls, staring blankly into space, and couldn't move for thinking again, I found this eased me. Everyone is different, but thought I would share this with you, in case it helps.

Much love to you, and hope you are ok.

ReikiMummy Thu 28-Feb-13 19:35:40

Wow again Confused - ((mahoussive hugs to you)).

It's a big step you've taken, and yes, you're finding some of your friends are not what they seemed and yes, by golly it hurts.

But you know what - all that is doing is creating some room for you to invite some Proper friends into your world.

Nature abhors a vacuum etc etc, and now - you get to choose who shares you and your childs lives.

Just take one step at a time, and be easy on yourself. wine

Rm x

Confused40 Thu 28-Feb-13 21:48:11

I'm feeling so inspired, empowered, and yet emotional from reading through all the responses I'm getting. I was just looking in the mirror at my growing bump, and patted it and she kicked! I have so much love for this child, and am so encouraged by reading posts saying I'll be a good Mummy.

Ex (oh goodness) fiancee texted me this last night, and this evening and I've ignored both messages. He left a few items here, purposely I think, but he can wait until I'm ready for him to collect them. He's trying to persuade me for another chance, as I was weak and gave in before. Not this time sunshine!!

I've had feelings of weakness today, but spoke to another friend, who totally supports me and my decision and was horrified at his behaviour. Weakness in that I'm scared of being lonely, and not coping. I guess usual stuff associated with pregnancy. I've printed off the doula application form, and will fill it out tomorrow.

I have absolutely no intention of EVER going back to a relationship with EX fiancee. Oh that feels goooooddd he he.grin

Heard back from counselling place and I can start next week! Whoo Hoo!! I'll be able to explore my feelings in a safe non-judgmental space and learn more about myself and why I chose to be in such a destructive and abusive relationship and why I went back for more. Think because I grew up with abuse, I've normalised it without realising.

Oh that's terrific about the counseling!

And you sound so strong about not going back to your ex -- well done. He is such bad news.

I have to say, Exhausted's story about her mum brought a tear to my eye. What an amazing woman! And what an inspiration. Just keep thinking about your little one, before you know it she'll be here. Are you thinking about names yet? smile

Confused40 Thu 28-Feb-13 23:12:14

Exhausted's post about her mother made me cry too! What an amazingly inspiring and strong woman! She stuck to her principles and fought for her daughter!

Yes I'm so grateful that I'll be starting counselling soon. Will probably be tough, but no pain no gain, as I'm learning.

I've chosen babies name. She will be called Maya, pronounced My ahh. One of my closest female friends is choosing her middle name. She'll have my surname. She'll be here in just over two months, which is scary and wonderful at the same time smile

MyHeadWasInTheSandNowNot Fri 01-Mar-13 00:02:10

Oh not too long to wait now until you have Maya in your arms smile

You have at least two good friends - the one who you spoke to who was supportive & the one who is choosing Maya's middle name, would you not ask either of them if they would be your birthing partner?

The other 'friend' who said her partner thinks you are a jezabel is no friend and never was - sad to say that about someone who you have known 18 years isn't it sad but she's a twat. Firstly, she must have given him that impression and secondly to tell you that's what he thinks instead of just putting him straight. Don't give her a second thought.

Life has it's way of sorting out who your real friends are - and it's all about quality, not quantity.

Take care & stay strong - you can do this - you and Maya
x

Oh Maya is a lovely name smile

Only two more months! How exciting!!

Confused40 Fri 01-Mar-13 11:42:54

Am gaining more and more confidence by speaking to more and more friends, and also spoke to my older sister. Its making me realise how isolated I'd made myself, due to my anxiety and for fear of being judged. But like someone posted, people will always judge, its human nature.

eminoxford Fri 01-Mar-13 11:47:30

Dear Confused, I've just been compelled to read through this entire thread, and post (which tbh, I don't often do). I just wanted to add my admiration for what you have achieved in such a short time, it is truly amazing, I take my hat off to you. I can understand that it has been traumatic and incredibly hard for you, but like everyone else here, I am convinced that you have made the right choice for you and for your daughter, for both of your longer term health, happiness and safety. So for now, focus on rebuilding your self-esteem and confidence, you can do this, and in many years to come, your daughter can look back with pride at what a strong and wonderful mother she has...
Glad that you are already looking into what support and help is out there for you.
I am sorry that your past has included all of these traumatic experiences, but it is just that, the past, and now you can look forward to a future where you are in control, no-one else, and in a few months you will have your beautiful little girl to concentrate on, and it will all make sense!
Hugs to you, incredible superwoman xx

LexiLexi Fri 01-Mar-13 14:27:44

Confused just wanted to add my support, you have shown amazing courage and strength in coming to your decision and although there will be ups and downs, things will get easier with time.

In terms of your ex, it might be worth considering blocking his text messages and attempts to call if you can so that you are able to move on better with your new life and stay positive. If he does call or text you when you are feeling down and lonely, try not to respond right away but to give yourself some time to think and perhaps if you can, call up a trusted friend for support. Speaking from past experience, thank goodness now a very long time ago, toxic people can be very persistent in their attempts to get back in your life and so he may try all sorts of things to make you feel sorry for him or to flatter you/make promises that things will be better. Perhaps the tricky period is between 2 weeks - 3 months after you have split up as by then you may have let your guard down a little.

(hugs) wishing you all the best on your new and exciting journey

ExhaustedMamasita Fri 01-Mar-13 15:19:39

Eeeeek two months to go - not long at all! Let us know when little Maya arrives, all your Mumsnet Talk friends will want to hear updates!!! Sending you strength, good energy, lots of hugs and love Confused! xx

nectarini1983 Fri 01-Mar-13 15:46:49

Would you be able to live with yourself if he abused your child?!?!? He knows the childs not his.... not that that stops some pervs.

Just something to think about.....

BraveLilBear Fri 01-Mar-13 16:02:30

Hey Confused I'd missed some of these posts but so glad I had a reread today - so impressed that you chose to walk away from this guy, however scary it was, you have just done committed a huge act of love to both your daughter and yourself.

The shockwaves will come and rock you, they always do. It's nature's way of making you doubt yourself. But you have been so strong so far and made so much progress that I know you can follow this through.

Friends who are not supportive are not friends. You do not need them. Now is the chance to rebuild your relationships with your real friends and the parts of your family that you can - plus you will meet so many new friends in the coming weeks through antenatal classes and baby groups that this is such a big chance to start again.

I really hope the counselling works well - keep going with it even if it's tough to begin with - and that you get to find a doula, too.

Keep it up confused your daughter is a very lucky girl to have a mummy like you x

Confused40 Sun 03-Mar-13 09:31:14

Proud to say that I'm still deflecting all of his texts and emails. I'm starting to let more and more friends know whats happened. Most have been really supportive, and have rang and offered support, and are visiting etc. One said 'you're going for counselling? God, you're so American. Dust yourself off and love yourself girlfriend'. She doesn't know the full extent of what happened. Funnily enough only those on here do. Guess its easy being brave with strangers. She's entitled to her opinion, and I'm trying to let it bother me. Didn't react to her at all.

Have made myself so busy these last few days. I'm studying one day a week, which takes a lot of my time, and I finish just before baby is due. I've also written loads of letters I've been meaning to do. Filled out forms that needed doing and done loads of cooking. Currently have a thai curry and a stew on the stove. Am freezing part of all food that I cook in preparation for when baby arrives.

I've also picked up the blanket I was knitting, and stopped. Its growing as I am. I realise I have a long, long way to go, and am not yet out of the woods. I've been weak and gone back to him before. I have to stay strong, and think of myself and the baby. When I start counselling I'm fully expecting to learn things about myself which I won't like, but understand the need to do it.

I'm starting to love myself more and more, and am actually enjoying my own company. I realised how controlling he actually was, and not just sexually. In all aspects he was a complete control junkie. But then who am I to judge. I know he has his own issues, and really hope he gets counselling, but I very much doubt it. He seems to think he's gods gift, due to the nature of his work, which constantly boosts his ego.

Have a great weekend people, and thank you in abundance for your support. It means a great deal, and for people to be so honest, which in reality is what I needed. The truth can be painful, but without pain, there is no gain........

Mango194 Sun 03-Mar-13 12:34:01

Confused, I've just read through this thread and am full of admiration for how you've dealt with such a difficult situation. I wish all women in a similar position could find the strength that you have shown. Keep taking things one step at a time and ignore anyone who judges you - people only spend their energy criticising others if they're unhappy with themselves - it's no reflection on you. As the support of your real friends has already shown, there are plenty of good people out there - keep reaching out and don't be afraid to ask for help when you need it.

You will be a fantastic mum. Wishing you all the luck in the world, from a fellow mum-to-be (sounds like our DDs are due at the same time!) xx

Confused40 Sun 03-Mar-13 13:26:05

Mango194 thank you! I am taking one day at a time, and gaining strength whilst doing so. I do have my weak moments, but just have to rub my stomach (like a magic genie) and my precious little one kicks me, which is reassurance that I'm doing the right thing.

Congratulations on impending DD! It's exciting huh? I'm finding mumsnet hugely helpful. And, where else would I be inspired by so many wonderful, strong, empowering and truthful women? xx

Confused40 Sat 17-Aug-13 10:52:20

Wanted to update....
Dd arrived with the help of a doula and close friend and I had a water birth and easy 4 hour labour. Once water had broke dd was born 15 mins later.
Ds is utterly delighted with his little sister and adores her as she does him.
I've not heard from ex fiancée, and dd's father isn't interested.
I'm continuing with counselling and am gaining strength from it.
Dd will be 11 weeks on Monday.
I'm loving being a mummy again and my friends have been so supportive. I'm blessed.
AND....... Ds got his A Level results this week and A*,A,A. He's been accepted into one of the best uni's in the country. Very proud happy son and mum smilesmilesmile

OldLadyKnowsNothing Sat 17-Aug-13 11:08:02

Congratulations to you and your ds. grin You've come a long way since February.

Congratulations, what a lovely update

ALittleBitOfMagic Sat 17-Aug-13 11:28:04

confused I have went through something similar although not as fast paced as yours . I split from my high school boyfriend of 3 years and Ended up in a really horrible EA relationship and became pregnant at 18 . I ended this relationship and had the baby , he didn't want to know . Still kept in contact with high school bf and saw him once every so often . When dd was coming up for her second birthday we begun to get closer again and ended up starting a relationship again . Anyway , he is now my lovely dh , dd is 8 and we have a gorgeous baby ds now too . Dd doesn't know dh isn't her "real" father . Anyway , my point is it can all work out . The fact that dd isn't biologically DHs is a complete nonissue .

ALittleBitOfMagic Sat 17-Aug-13 11:30:34

Ignore everything I just said I just read the op thanks

OP you are truly fabulous.

Lovemyprincess4eva Sat 17-Aug-13 11:52:34

Congrats!! I am totally in awe of u and think u are a very strong woman after going through everything u did u really do deserve to be happy xx

Anothermrssmith Sat 17-Aug-13 13:13:59

I didn't see this back in feb but just read the whole thing, c

Anothermrssmith Sat 17-Aug-13 13:21:03

Bloody hell,trying to post on my iPod and managed to hit post by accident.

As I was saying, confused you have had a hellish time but you seem to be doing so well now, I'm thrilled for you and your son, congrats to him as well you must be so proud. I'm so glad you updated this and managed to escape the abusive relationship you were stuck in and are continuing to get help to deal with what's happened. You can hold your head high, you've had some of the most horrible things happen to you and you've for through it and came out the other side, that takes true courage xx

Tbh I read the post title and thought "oh god here we go!!!" But after reading start to finish you are amazing!! smile

Im so happy for you and your little family!! You have come such a long way and you should be proud! smile. You will be an amazing mummy AND daddy to Maya! smile

Big hugs xxx

PearlyWhites Sat 17-Aug-13 14:20:42

Yes it is legal if you are marriaged the baby will automatically be seen as his child

PearlyWhites Sat 17-Aug-13 14:23:08

Sorry had missed parts of the thread , I would not marry this man so ignore my last post

glendatheveryexcitedwitch Sat 17-Aug-13 14:26:58

Awwwww congratulations confused and son - enjoy momma hood xx

Confused40 Sat 17-Aug-13 21:20:03

BunInMyOven93 its easy to judge just from a title, so I'm glad you read the thread and took a different view. Thank you.
The last few months have been extremely challenging to say the least! But, I take one day at a time, and have a very selective hearing button for all the 'judgemental' comments. If I'd have stayed I'd have been judged and its the same for me leaving.
Society tends to gloss over the logistics of r/s and tends to sensationalise. I guess its part of the gossipy world we live in where celebrity magazine intrude into peoples lives and assume they can comment etc. RL is like that at times, and on mumsnet we all have different world views and judge accordingly.
I've felt so supported though. Thank you all so much. I had some rare time this afternoon and was looking through my threads. I read this and thought bloody hell, I'm pretty damn strong. None of the people who have commented know me which makes for a great balance of opinions and advice. smile

ChippingInHopHopHop Sat 17-Aug-13 21:26:35

What a lovely update smile Thank you cake

(I was HeadInTheSand earlier on).

I'm glad you have some good support IRL and that both your DC are doing so well!! I'm so proud of you for staying strong x

BIWI Sat 17-Aug-13 21:33:53

Fantastic! Congratulations to all of you flowers

elQuintoConyo Sat 17-Aug-13 22:21:22

Your DC have a terrific, strong mother - an excellent role model.
Congratulations thanks

Confused40 Sun 18-Aug-13 23:33:56

Thank you to you all.
I've had a very wobbly day today. DS will be off to uni in a few weeks and its scaring the crap out of me. He was away for two weeks at summer school and although I coped, I was very jumpy in the house alone. My cat came into the bathroom and hearing the floorboards creak and then the door open had me frozen to the spot.
I've applied to move to a three bedroom property since dd was born, but as ds will be in halls during term-time will I still be eligible? I really don't want to be breaking the law by still applying for a three bedroom.
I have such bad memories in my current home and really don't feel safe here.
My health visitor, GP and counsellor have all written supporting letters, which I've sent off to my housing association.

Yes I've been strong leaving fiancee, but, I am on my own and its bloody scary at times. I've wanted to ring him so many times, but have held back or distracted myself. DD is so lovely and I've so wanted him to see her, then felt repulsed at the thought of seeing him again. Worse, I had really bad feeling thinking of him anywhere near her when I was changing her nappy. Call it mothers intuition, but I really don't trust him, and this has stopped me from calling. sad

ChippingInHopHopHop Sun 18-Aug-13 23:39:29

sad

Come and talk to us if you feel like ringing him in the future.

He isn't worthy of your time and he is certainly not worthy of DD's time - even if he would see her, which I doubt. He is a nasty fucker and you need to stay the hell away from him. If you want to scare yourself out of doing it - read some of the threads on here where Mums have to hand their DC over to these scary bastards whether they want to or not... and sadly, worse sad

I don't know enough about the stupid bedroom tax to advise you one way or the other - but why not phone them tomorrow and ask? I hope you get a new place soon.

Confused40 Sun 18-Aug-13 23:50:10

Thanks ChippingInHopHopHop smile
You're right of course, and, yes I do need a kick up the bum at times with a reality check of how bad it could be. Oh God, can you imagine if he was legally entitled to see dd. That won't happen. My heart goes out to any woman who is in the position, it must be awful.
I'll find out tomorrow about legalities. I'm not so much worried about bedroom tax, as eligibility. I'll be going back to work after I've finished clinical hours placement. Part-time though, as dd is still young.

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 19-Aug-13 00:02:41

Well, anytime you need a reality check - you wont have to look far, you could re-read this thread! and there are literally hundreds of threads on here about awful ex partners and how they ignore or treat/hurt/abuse their children sad Heartbreaking.

Can you remind me where you stand with DD's father? Does he know about her?

Confused40 Mon 19-Aug-13 00:12:39

Very true!
DD's father was told about her when she was two days old. I texted him and sent three photos of dd. He replied that his mother had passed away and he was sorting out her estate. He told me to take care of myself and dd. I've heard nothing since, but have sent photo's once since that time. Looks like he's sticking to what he said about wanting nothing to do with her sad

ChippingInHopHopHop Mon 19-Aug-13 00:21:44

Well, it's sad in one way, but better in another. I wouldn't contact him again. Men that dip in and out of their children's lives do far more damage than those who just stay away.

You and DD will be a tight unit and then, you never know, one day you may meet Mr Wonderful and he will enrich both of your lives. Put the other two firmly in the past!

Confused40 Mon 19-Aug-13 01:16:00

That's sound advice, thank you so much smile x

fedupofrainydays Mon 19-Aug-13 07:18:59

Wow. Just read the first half and last half of this post. Good on you for leaving him and you will be fine without him (in fact so much better off!) it will be tough but you can do it and just look at your gorgoues dd to get you through. Good luck to you x

Coconutty Mon 19-Aug-13 07:43:31

So glad things are getting better for you. Well done to your DS too, that's a fantastic set of results.

Confused40 Wed 21-Aug-13 23:06:00

Further update:-

Just got the results from my course. I got a 2.1!!!! With all that crap going on and the turmoil and I not only passed but I got a bloody 2.1. I'm so happy, happy, happy smile

BIWI Wed 21-Aug-13 23:07:05

Brilliant! flowers

ChippingInHopHopHop Wed 21-Aug-13 23:18:06

WOW - well done you smarty pants grin

Bloody hell - that's a brilliant result without all the shite going on, with it - it's A MAZ ING!!!!

wine cake flowers

Confused40 Wed 21-Aug-13 23:59:35

Thanks ChippingInHopHopHop smile

Confused40 Thu 22-Aug-13 00:00:17

Pressed send too soon, thanks also BIWI smile

solitudehappiness Sun 03-Nov-13 13:51:54

Ex-fiancee texted me and has also asked me to 'join' him on twitter, all in the last week. I've ignored him on both occasions, but, it has left me feeling very un-nerved and wondering what he will do?? Or was he just controlling me so much and putting fear in me that I'm just being silly now??

WTF does he want???

solitudehappiness Tue 18-Feb-14 12:45:15

Update:-
Ex-fiancee had a massive heart attack on 6th January '14 and died. Was buried on 7th February. I found out on 6th February. Visited his mother, and she told me where about in graveyard his grave was. Went to his grave, just dd and me. Cried at his grave, total mix of feelings. One side of me feels relief he is gone, and that I won't have to see him again, or risk bumping into him etc. Then I feel hugely guilty and wonder how I could think such things. Massive shock!!

dats Tue 18-Feb-14 12:56:40

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

solitudehappiness Tue 18-Feb-14 13:44:45

dats I updated to say ex-fiancée had died of a heart attack.

PenguinsEatSpinach Tue 18-Feb-14 14:07:21

Solitude - Are you the OP after a name change?

Go easy on yourself. You have come an amazingly long way in a year. You have been soooo strong to do what you did.Even though this was a man you needed out of your life and who was abusive, any death is a shock and it's ok to feel stunned/confused/upset.

solitudehappiness Tue 18-Feb-14 18:03:59

PenguinsEatSpinach yes I am the OP after a name change. Thank you for your words. Definitely feeling a huge mix of emotions. But. I don't regret ending the relationship at all.

Longlive2014 Tue 18-Feb-14 18:42:52

Your fiancé is a rapist.

Sorry x

I hope you find the courage to end the relationship.

Do whatever is in your heart about the baby, personally I wouldn't continue the pregnancy, because I wouldn't if a relationship was over. I wouldn't want to be tied for the rest of my life to an arsehole that can walk away from a baby, knowingly.

PenguinsEatSpinach Tue 18-Feb-14 19:11:15

Longlive - this is one of those threads where you realllly need to read the later posts. The thread spans over a year and she left him quite a while ago.

Solitude/Confused - Have you got friends who would understand? It is ok to grieve, even for someone who was abusive. You might have to 'allow' yourself to do that. But ultimately, wow, aren't you in so much of a better place than you could have been. Look back at this time last year? You could have spent the last year with a sexually abusive man. Your daughter could have known this man has her father. You made really difficult, but really positive, choices for you and for your family. I hope your DS is enjoying uni and over and teething troubles (I hated my first term!).

solitudehappiness Tue 18-Feb-14 20:16:33

PenguinsEatSpinach Again, thank you so so much.
I have got friends that would understand, but I've kind of not really needed them too much. I also think that since having dd and ds moving away to uni, I've adapted to my 'new' life and became semi-reclusive, but oh so happy. I love nothing more than chilling at home in the evening once dd is in bed. DS was amazingly supportive when I told him about ex's death, and stayed with me for the weekend. I cried on his shoulder, and he was so supportive. I feel deep love and respect for DS and he's growing into a wonderful man. Miss him like crazy, but adapting all the same. He loves uni, and is doing really well, I'm so proud.
I also am immensely proud of the last year, and all I've achieved. I know all too well how my life would have been if I'd have stayed with my ex. DD is the absolute light of my life. She is very happy and content, and makes me laugh every day. I'm currently volunteering in a women's centre, which is hugely rewarding, and sometimes harrowing. But, my life experience helps me empathise and I feel huge compassion for the women I volunteer with.

PenguinsEatSpinach Tue 18-Feb-14 20:19:30

Sounds like you have already done a marvellous job as a parent once so I am sure you are again. You sound in such a good place, for anyone but especially compared to last year. Onwards and upwards!

GimmeDaBoobehz Tue 18-Feb-14 20:54:40

Didn't want to read and run.

It's difficult when you find yourself in a position like this because at the time you weren't together.

It seems to me that the pregnancy and the relationship are two different 'issues' as it were.

Being pregnant by someone who doesn't want to be involved isn't ideal. But as long as you feel confident that you want to continue with the pregnancy and can provide the love and attention that a baby needs, then although it's unfortunate you don't need this man to be in your life.

The same goes for your partner really. If you want to be with him of course you should be but it seems to me you have many doubts and I don't blame you with the way he behaves - I certainly wouldn't be putting up with behaviour like that and I don't think you should have to either. That coupled with his immaturity I can understand why you have reservations about the relationship.

Perhaps you may decide to see how it goes or you may decide to cut your losses now, whilst you still have control of the situation (not that you wouldn't in the future, but once the baby has a bond with your partner it'll be harder and when he has a bond with the baby too).

He's amicable for wanting to stick around but as you say you don't know how he will feel once the baby has arrived.

I hope whatever decision you come to it's the right one for you and your baby.

I wish you all the best in your pregnancy.

Believe in yourself and that you can make the right decisions for you and your baby. thanks

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