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Gender disappointment - please, no flaming

(79 Posts)

You can't possibly make me feel worse than I already do, trust me.

I am finally pregnant (34+4) after years of being told by docs that my endometriosis was too severe to successfully carry a child. I have had three miscarriages, two early mcs and one during second trimester. I suffered with PTSD and became fixated with the idea of having a baby. My DH has two children from a previous marriage, a boy (9) and a girl (14), both of whom are lovely and spend lots of time with us. He never really wanted any more children, seeing them as a big factor in the break up of his previous marriage, but he knew it was important to me and came around to the idea when he saw how much it meant to me and how different our relationship dynamic is to that of him and his ex wife.

All my life, I have pictured having a girl. I can't pin down why exactly. It was just me and my sister growing up, maybe that's why. Every time I dreamed I was pregnant, it was a girl. Every time I imagined being a mum (which was a LOT) it was to a little girl. All my cousins were girls, bar one. I found out that the baby I lost was a girl... I imagine what she would have looked like in my head all the time.

Now I am pregnant, everything is looking fine and dandy, we don't know the sex... but I'm convinced it's a boy. And I genuinely thought I was fine with this! All along I've called the baby "he" and told people I suspected it was a little boy, and not once did it upset me. But we went for our 32 week scan and I am POSITIVE I saw a little willy on the screen... My heart sank, absolutely plummeted, and all I wanted to do was cry. Hubby and I have not discussed it, as far as he knows I'm still convinced it's a boy and delighted with that fact.

I've had two weeks to think this over... part of me still knows and feels like it doesn't matter, I'm one of the lucky ones who has a baby after so many years of heartache... but I've had to take a good, hard look at my deepest thoughts and fears to try and work out why I am so upset.

I am upset because I know this is the only baby I will ever have. My husband is already talking seriously about getting his tubes tied (and who can blame him after three children) - and even if he were open to it, the chances of my body being able to do this successfully again are slim to none. This baby really is a miracle baby. So, there's no talk of "next time" for us. I am upset because I built up my idea of motherhood from such a young age around the idea of a mother-daughter bond... I have no idea what a bond with a son will be like, having never seen it around me as a child. I am upset because I look at parents and the relationship they have with their sons and daughters as they grow up and get on with their lives, and see that mothers are so much closer to their daughters than their sons. My hubby would easily go a month without speaking to his mother without thinking anything of it, whereas barely three days go by where I don't text or phone mine. We are so close, and I wanted that, so desperately!

I just feel so very suddenly overwhelmed and heartbroken, and feel even guiltier for feeling that way in the first place considering how long we've fought for our little miracle. It's not MY baby I don't want - I already love my little one more than life itself - what I am mourning is the idea of what I thought I would have, letting that go and being able to picture a new kind of relationship.

I am not looking to be judged, I just needed to put these feelings somewhere because I am afraid to tell the people I know, especially my husband. Does anyone have any lovely stories about boys as babies/children, or even stories about men and their mothers still being close? Any help would be very, very gratefully recieved, as I am still in shock that I feel this way after all this time.

flamingtoaster Sat 02-Feb-13 15:57:26

Like you I adored girl babies (wouldn't even countenance babysitting boy babies). I always imagined myself with a girl baby. When I got pregnant I was convinced it was a boy and I was terrified that I would not be able to love it. I was incredibly lucky to be having a baby but that didn't override my previous dislike of boy babies! We didn't know beforehand what the sex was but I remained convinced it was a boy (and terribly worried). I was induced, had an emergency c-section under ga and when I woke up in the middle of the night DH had gone home, DS was in Special Care - and there was a photo of them both by my bed. When I looked at the photograph I didn't really feel any maternal feeling to this tiny bundle being clutched by my DH. In the morning a midwife trundled a cot into the room and said "I've brought your baby to meet you". As soon as she put him into my arms I was overwhelmed with love for him, from that second I would have done anything to protect him. It really, really, really didn't matter that he was a boy.

So you may be surprised how you feel when (if it is a boy) you finally meet him. You don't know that he won't be just as close to you as a girl would have been - some girls are not close to their mothers - you might have had one of those! I'm sure you'll be fine when he/she arrives.

CatAndFiddle Sat 02-Feb-13 15:58:16

My DH (one of two boys) speaks to his mother everyday, and is (sometimes infuriatingly for me) very close to her. They are like two peas in a pod. I ring my mother once a week (often just because I feel I should), and often run out of things to say. We are very different and have little in common, so have drifted apart a little as I have gotten older. Partly because she can be judgmental about my choices.

I really don't think gender is the best determinant of the sort of relationship you will have with your child. I think this sort of thinking is an outdated old wives tale - 'a son's a son until he finds a wife' etc. I don't think this is true.

Your relationship with your child will best be shaped by how you raise him (if it is a him, I thought I saw man-bits on my 20 week scan last week, only to be told that if it was he would be the most well-hung baby ever....we're not finding out the sex either).

I don't think you should ignore or feel guilty about these feelings, just try to see them for what they are...a misconception.

Good luck with the rest of your pregnancy....not long now! smile

HumphreyCobbler Sat 02-Feb-13 16:05:17

I do sympathise, I really do. I had enormous difficulties adjusting to actually being successfully pregnant after a series of losses, and became fixated on various 'problems' that were not really problems iyswim.

You are having a person, not a gender. A unique, original, fantastic PERSON. I always imagined myself having girls, and I had a boy first. I cannot tell you how much I love him smile

Do hope you feel better soon, and congratulations X

Startail Sat 02-Feb-13 16:11:38

DH was very close to his mum and 12 years after her death still misses her.

As to how you feel I can't help I also always wanted girls and happen to have two DDs.

However, they are so different that I'm not sure a girl and a boy might not be more alike.

Solo Sat 02-Feb-13 16:18:58

I just wanted to tell you about my own experience with this and tell you that you are not alone in feeling this way.

I too had fertility troubles and just as I started to get to the top of the IVF list, I split with my (now) exh2 and got involved with someone else and quickly became pregnant...12 years of trying to be a Mum (with 2 different husbands), and bang! I had a MMC that time and was completely devastated. Anyway, another surprise pg and my Son was due almost 2 years to the day my first Son was due, but this time, he was due almost the exact date my first exh's birthday was and that threw me completely. I hated the idea of that and that grew to being afraid that it would be a boy...I was severely depressed because I was convinced I'd lose the baby and each of these made it all worse and I did not want a boy. People thought I was crackers, cruel, being ridiculous, but that was how I felt.
I was told that it might be a good idea to find out the sex of my baby, so that I could have time to get used to the idea and that's what I did.
My Ds is now 14.6yo. Tall, handsome, smart and a right Kevin and Perry cheeky sod. I wouldn't have changed him to a girl if you paid me to...and he was born the day before my ex's birthday.

You will love your baby regardless of any characteristic including the sex. They will be the most precious thing ever to you and boys are definitely the most cuddly things with their Mummies smile

Catchingmockingbirds Sat 02-Feb-13 16:19:03

I have a DS and am pregnant again, after 2 mc. I really hoped for another little boy and was convinced that was what I was carrying. Gender scan a few weeks ago showed we were having a girl.

I really didn't want a little girl and am now petrified. It's brought up a lot of feelings from my past, I was brought up by my mother as my father died, there was a lot of abuse from her and she is very very toxic. When I had DS it was all new territory and there were no scary feelings, but now I'm terrified of history repeating with my little girl as the mother/daughter relationship I've had the most experience with has been disastrous and abusive. I'm worried I won't bond with my dd as I have with my DS and that we will have the same relationship that I had to endure with my own mother.

Discussing all of this with my partner though really helped, he understands and has been very supportive of me, helping me realise that the great relationship I have with my son will be the same with my daughter and I've nothing to be scared of. You should talk about how you feel with your partner too, it could really help.

sleepyhead Sat 02-Feb-13 16:19:24

Babies are just who they are for ages - girl or boy, they are lovely bundles of absolute joy.

I'm expecting ds2 and I'd be lying if I wasn't a wee bit sorry that I'll never have a girl (all those bloody mil stories don't help), but it took us nearly 4 years to get this far so I'm just so happy to be pg, and I know that when ds2 is born I'll not swap him for anything.

You give birth to an individual, not a gender. An individual who will go their own way and have their own character and preferences.

I love my mum but I speak to her once a fortnight and see her maybe once a month. My brother sees my mum a couple of times a week and she sees his children far more than she sees mine.

wiltingfast Sat 02-Feb-13 16:23:41

I think it is completely natural to grieve for your lost girl. I know on each of mine we found out the sex and I was a bit tearful on each once I knew the gender, because somehow a baby that might have been was gone. V unreasonable really, but being pg is a v emotional time. And I had none of the high stakes or one time only for pregnancy that you have.

It doesn't mean you won't love love LOVE your baby once he is here and real for you. At the moment the baby is still an "idea" but he is actually a person and the reality of him will totally overwhelm all fantasies.

Enjoy your last few weeks!

BelleEtLaBaby Sat 02-Feb-13 16:27:08

I was totally thrown when we found out we were having a boy. Not upset, but just... Mind boggled. I grew up in an all female house, had mainly girl friends, all my friends babies were girls... What would I do with a boy? What did they like? What would we talk about? I just had no idea about boys and was completely phased. And DS is a hard-won baby too - I have pcos, had Hyperemesis, and we got a 1:2 triple test result (yikes) and found out the sex as a result of the amino.

He's gorgeous. He cuddles me a lot more than my friend's little girls do, he is beautiful and funny and its so much fun parenting a boy. He's very excellent. I am pg with dc2 and I am almost in favour of another boy over a girl! I will be genuinely thrilled either way.

DH and his mum are really close and have a lovely relationship.

Hope that helps - kids are kids initially anyway, and you will forget all your worries when that scrummy little newborn is in your arms.

On a lighter note: someone said this to me when they found out they were having their third boy with regards to older dc's: with a boy, you only have to worry about one teenager's willy smile

My DH speaks to his mum EVERY day, it drives me nuts.

I'm sure once you see your baby you will love him. My DSs are only young yet but we are so close. We were only ever going to have 2 so part of me is sad I won't ever have a daughter, but I've got 2 gorgeous boys & am happy with that.

Thank you, all of you. I'm actually crying with relief that I'm not a horrid person for feeling like this.

I can't wait to meet my little one, boy or girl, and I know I will love them no less either way... I think part of the problem is that I am well aware how irrational my feelings are sad makes it so hard to talk/think about them. I do think a big part of it is grieving for the girl I lost... Five years later and still not finished mourning.

aPseudonymToFoolHim Sat 02-Feb-13 16:37:56

I think I have felt the same as you, it was always my most wonderful dream to have a little girl. My parents had 7gc -ALL of them girls! Then I discovered I was having a boy. I'm embarrassed about the feelings I had, I was so sulky and miserable and I thought "trust me to have a BOY when all my sisters have had lovely little girls" (the only boy in our family had been a proper terror so the experience I had with boys was not positive)
I hid my feelings, and never voiced them to anyone.
I'm so glad I had the time from the 20 week scan to adjust and get used to the idea, as I think I'd have been upset after the birth to discover the sex then.
It took me a few days to fall in love with DS, which made me panic a bit, as I'd expecte dit to be instantaneous, but I DID fall in love with him, and he's been an absolute darling in my life.

When I found out I was expecting my third child (having had a girl and a boy) I really didn't care what the sex was, but still did feel a little moment of loss for the sex I wasn't having!
The only thing I found difficult at first was getting excited about boys' clothes and toys he was interested in, I'd never even heard of Ben10! smile

Keep us updated, I'm sure you will feel emotions for your little baby hit you like a truck, and you will fall head over heels inlove and never imagine your life without your baby in it.
Congratulations smile and thanks

EvenIfYouSeeAPoppy Sat 02-Feb-13 16:39:18

Boys are lovely, lovely, lovely. I have two, interspersed with 4 miscarriages.

They are affectionate, imaginative, sparky, just wonderful.

Tbh, I think a lot of women imagine themselves having girls, simply because they were girls and have spent, possibly, a lot more time with their mothers and other female relatives than with their fathers/male relatives. Boys are simply off their radar in that way. I know it was that way for me. I felt very strongly from about 12 weeks in that both were boys and I was right. I did have a little <gulp> when we found out about ds1 - although that was partly because I was only 17 weeks (scans happen more frequently where I am) and the doctor told us without us having asked him to - but that moment passed very quickly indeed.

I think whoever said upthread that you are having a person, not a gender, has got it spot on.

FaceLikeAPickledOnion Sat 02-Feb-13 16:41:09

I have two ds's. They are amazing, tbh I didn't want dd's and would of been disappointed if I had. Probably because my own relationship with my dm is not very close, we rarely see each other, or ring each other. I am closer to my wonderful mil, and Dh speaks to her on the phone a few times a week (I do too come to think of it). We see her usually weekly, holiday together once a year and she dotes on her dgs's. She's lovely.

It may still be a girl op!
But if not don't worry, because boys are ace!

manitz Sat 02-Feb-13 16:51:20

hi i have two of both. both sexes are great you get completely different things from them but like someone said up the thread each time I have grieved for the baby I haven't had. I have read that mothers of boys are more prone to pnd and with ds1 I had a lot of anxiety though that could have been related to bereavement whilst pregnant and losing a baby late before having him. BUT having prev had two girls i love little boys now, I never saw myself as a mum of boys and presumed nos 3 and four would be girls. ALTHOUGH I must say shoes are a lot cuter for girls, have thought of cross dressing ds2...he wouldn't really know...

Boys are really huggy, my girls aren't particularly

BitBewildered Sat 02-Feb-13 16:52:16

I do think a big part of it is grieving for the girl I lost... Five years later and still not finished mourning.

^^ There's no reason why you ought to have finished mourning. sad

I had a scan at 37 + 2 with my first pregnancy and was convinced I'd seen a willy. When DD was born I was totally astonished!

For my second child I had a vague wish for a sister for my DD. I have only brothers and always wanted a sister. We found out at the 20 week scan that DC2 was a boy and I spent the rest of the pregnancy feeling a bit put out about it. However, once he was born, I adored him completely. He is a complete joy.

I hope the rest of your pregnancy is peaceful and as comfortable as possible. I'm sure your gender worries will be forgotten when you're cuddling a lovely soft newborn human.

spanky2 Sat 02-Feb-13 16:56:52

I worried about not having a girl . I always thought I would have a girl. I have 2 ds. I worried that I would never see them as they would always choose their wife. I would miss out by being the mil . But it won't be like that as hopefully they will like to talk to me as I'mnice ! Boys are fab . I'velearnt so many new things from having them. They are wonderful because they are mine. I do sometimes look at girls clothes as they are better but I would never swap them. Have faith in your ability to love your baby .

tethersend Sat 02-Feb-13 17:11:50

You could be describing my feelings when I found out the sex of my first baby. It was a girl. Words cannot describe how much I wanted a boy; I was devastated. It's not something you can admit to in many circles; hardly any in fact.

I now know I was suffering from ante-natal depression. All my fears and anxieties about having a child were projected onto the gender of the baby. I hated, hated women who were pregnant with boys as I so desperately wanted one. I didn't like girls and felt that my life was ruined. I thought that I would never accept it.

I had counselling with the ante-natal counsellor attached to the hospital- think about speaking to your midwife about this. Interestingly, my counsellor said that she had seen lots of couples, particularly mothers who had experienced gender disappointment after years of infertility, miscarriages and IVF. In a way, she said that they had had more time to construct an image of 'their child' in their head, and had naturally ascribed it a gender. Most commonly, the imagined child was a girl and they were pregnant with twin boys. I was green with envy at the thought of them having boys. I felt like a failure who had spoiled my life.

I also had to face up to a lot of issues of my own- including my own relationship with my mother and issues I had with my own gender. It was my biggest soul-search to date, and one I am very glad I did- there are positives to feeling the way you do in terms of getting to know yourself and dealing with issues before your baby is born, even if you can't see or feel them now.

And then she was born... and she wasn't a boy, but she wasn't 'a girl' either. She was mine. She was an Angie.

I still felt disappointed, but every day the disappointment lessened and was replaced by love for her. It wasn't an instantaneous process, but I fell utterly and hopelessly in love with her in a way which I could not have anticipated. You cannot know how you will feel once your baby is born; don't try, it's impossible. Just know that you will love him, and you will love him a thousand times more than your imagined daughter. Have faith in that.

I am now in a place where I would not swap her for any other child of either gender, and have even had another girl and feel my family is complete.

Good luck smile

Fluffeh Sat 02-Feb-13 17:44:48

I can relate to wanting one gender so much more than the other. This will be my only baby too, medical issues not related to fertility means it'll just be this one.
At my first scan I was obsessed with finding the genital nub, I made DP look at hundreds of scan photos online trying to teach himself the difference and when after the scan he couldn't be sure I was so angry with him.
Thankfully he understood and once I'd calmed down I tried my best to explain it to him.
I'm pretty open with friends and family so they all knew which gender I wanted. I needed them to know just in case I did get the news I didn't want and couldn't hide it.

Weirdly, I grew up with 2 of each sibling and my younger brother was closest to my mum. He's closest to my aunt now he's grown up and contacts her every day. She's my mums sister and to him a surrogate I think.
I really hope your feelings give you a break and that whatever gender your baby is, they are beautiful and healthy. And just to add, every only child I know, regardless of gender, is ridiculously close to their mum smile.

bogwoppitinatree Sat 02-Feb-13 19:06:26

I too was very keen on having a girl. My mum died a few years ago and I think I had got a little fixated on the idea of being able to build a mother daughter relationship.
However our 20 week scan clearly revealed a boy. That was 3 weeks ago and HE is now called Wilbur. Giving him a name has really helped form a personality and a bond. I don't doubt now that I am going to adore him when he arrives but it did take me a while to adjust. Sorry that isn't more useful xxx

PandaWatch Sat 02-Feb-13 19:20:18

A good friend of mine was in a similar position to you - knew she would only have one baby and was desperate for a girl. Found out at her 20 week scan she was having a boy and burst into tears. She said she felt like a monster about it but just couldn't hide how devastated she felt b

PandaWatch Sat 02-Feb-13 19:22:46

Argh! Stupid phone!

Anyway as soon is he arrived she fell in love with him straight away. He's her little prince.

FWIW out of my nieces and nephews its the boys who are more affectionate and thoughtful!

SoulTrain Sat 02-Feb-13 19:32:50

I think lots of people have a preference. I wanted a boy so badly when I was pregnant. Everyone said I was having a girl and it would make me feel panicky, I can't tell you why. I have a wonderful relationship with my Mum, am one of three sisters - I just wanted a boy. He is wonderful. Now, I want a girl next - it's ridiculous. As previous posters have said, you're having a person, a gender doesn't make them behave one way or another. You'll be fine!

lookingfoxy Sat 02-Feb-13 19:53:57

Aw I feel your pain.
With my first dc I was desperate for a girl, I was so disappointed when I found out it was a boy. He is now 8 years old and wonderful, I think he's so great that now that I am luckily pregnant with no 2 I wanted another boy so much, I had a scan this week and found out im carrying a girl. I am really disappointed but of course grateful for a healthy child.
I am so sure that I will get over these feelings which is why I always find out the gender if possible to give me time to reconcile myself!

BlackholesAndRevelations Sat 02-Feb-13 20:13:22

I am blessed to have a girl and a boy, but the relationship I have with my boy is very special. He's a gorgeous, cheeky, very affectionate bundle of fun. I'm even hoping dc 3 will be a boy because you know where you are with boys; my girl us already beginning manipulative and behaving like a teen!

All joking aside, I have no idea how it feels to go through what you have, but I just wanted to reassure you that boys are just wonderful, and like others have said, he will be YOUR baby. "he" may still be a girl too, of course! I wish you all the best x

BlackholesAndRevelations Sat 02-Feb-13 20:14:31

My son gives better cuddles than my dsughter, too; boys are very cuddly with their mummies smile

Emsyboo Sat 02-Feb-13 20:27:13

With my first child I was desperate for a girl but scan revealed a boy I burst into tears then felt worse because I felt ungrateful and a bad mum that I didn't want a boy.
Please don't feel bad and try to keep an open mind my boy is wonderful so living and as soon as I saw him I fell in love with him and he has made me smile every day since.
I had antenatal depression I don't know if that caused my feelings or if it just made my feelings worse - I think the latter tbh
I would hope when you meet your boy(if you are even having a boy) you will be over the moon but the thought of never having a girl may be something you need to get help with and come to terms with.
Is there a chance you could have another child? I'm not saying keep trying till you get a girl as any more mcs may be harder to deal with and you need the full support of your DH.
I am sure you will love your DC and be a fantastic mum hormones are funny things but if you continue to feel this way you may develop PND ESP with your history of PTSD I don't know you or have any qualifications but be open to talking about these feelings sooner rather than later so if you need help you can get it x x

Creamtea1 Sat 02-Feb-13 20:30:34

It's not a blessing to have a boy and a girl, it's a blessing to have 2 children. Infact it's a blessing to have 1 child, and any more children are further blessings.

RubyrooUK Sat 02-Feb-13 20:37:22

My belief is you want the child you have.

I have a 2 year old DS and he is incredible. Most importantly, he is himself. He is not any old boy or any old girl, he is my hilariously funny child. When he puts his hand and mine and tells me he loves me, I could die with joy. If I could only choose one child in the world ever, I'd choose this one I have already.

I have a close relationship with my mum. But so does my brother. Actually he phones my mum all the time for a chat - not because he is tied to her apron strings, he just likes her! He likes sharing stuff about his life with her.

I am now pregnant with DS2. I was just overjoyed to have another child and the thought of his gender didn't really come into it. Now these will be the only two children I want in the world.

Don't beat yourself up, OP. It's fine to have a moment of sadness now for something being different from your expectations.

Then start getting excited because your DS will be the love of your life and you'll look back and laugh at the idea that you could have ever wanted anything but him.

RubyrooUK Sat 02-Feb-13 20:39:02

I meant...his hand in mine....sorry, stupid phone.


SavoyCabbage Sat 02-Feb-13 20:42:41

I think the way you are feeling is completely normal, really it us. I would consider going for a private scan and finding out for sure. I did this and it gives you time before the baby comes to adjust.

rrreow Sat 02-Feb-13 21:14:40

I so totally empathise with how you are feeling. I grew up as the only daughter to a single mum, and to top it off my mum died when I was 15. Having never had many men around in my life (and been bullied severely by boys throughout my childhood) I felt deeply uncomfortable and scared at the prospect of having a boy. With DC1 when we found out at the 20 week scan that it was a boy.. I felt disappointed. I felt scared and worried about what my relationship with him would be like, how I would relate to him and understand him. During the time between finding out at the scan and him being born I was able to come to accept it more (and just to be clear I was never disappointed with HIM, just disappointed with not having the daughter I so longed for). He's now 21 months and he's delightful. I experience him as his unique self, not as a particular gender.

So, now I'm pregnant with number 2 and just had my 20 week scan this week. Whereas with number 1 I was mostly scared of the unknown and scared about connecting with a boy, I now know I don't have to worry about that, but I really really really still wanted a girl this time around. I'd love to have one of each and experience the unique relationships. Gender and its place in society is a fact and (obviously amongst many other things) it does influence the type of person someone becomes and how they relate and are situated in the world. Both from seeing it on the screen myself and the sonographer confirming it: I'm having another boy.

So yeah... absolutely gutted. The disappointment this time is even worse as we weren't ever planning on more than 2 (both for practical and emotional reasons). I know I am lucky enough to be in the position to at least be able to consider a third, but I never really wanted three and even if I did I couldn't conceive again if I didn't positively know that I'd be OK with a child of either sex (as I wouldn't want DC3 to have to suffer for my disappointment if it turned out as a third boy).

I have a friend with two boys who also really wanted a daughter (and who can't have any more kids for health reasons) and talking to her was very helpful. She said it felt like grieving, and that's how I've experienced it too. On top of that it's so difficult to express these feelings because you'll be met with so much 'as long as it's healthy' and 'you should be happy' blah blah. As true as those things are, they don't take away the feelings we're feeling. So there's that added feeling of guilt as well.

I don't have any practical advice but I hope that sharing my story and feelings helps. On Thursday when I found out it was a boy I felt so down and I did some googling on gender disappointment and I found it really helpful to read about so many other people's similar experiences.

ElliesWellies Sat 02-Feb-13 23:23:00

Remember you are really grieving for the loss of something that you have built up in your own mind... it isn't real, it is only what you imagine having a daughter to feel like. You don't know how your relationship will be yet... with a son or a daughter.

Thank you all for your thought-provoking replies.

I think I am now considering a) finding out the sex of my baby for sure, to give me time to accept it, and b) talking to my midwife about my feelings. My mum suffered severely with postnatal depression and I know these things can be genetic so I'd rather take the precaution than feel unable to cope when baby is actually here.

I am very aware that, as many of you said, my feelings are based in my own perceptions of what my baby would be like, and that it most definitely is NOT my actual baby that I feel disappointment with. Your experiences have helped show me I'm not isolated in having these feelings, and that no matter how I feel, once that baby is in my arms I won't care a jot what's between it's legs smile

Thank you again for listening, just being heard has helped.

TheGrandPooBah Sat 02-Feb-13 23:48:14

I have a 6 year old son who is incredibly loving. When we finally fell pregnant with our second child, I was crushed to find out that she was a girl, and not the boy I had already named and pictured growing up alongside our first son, not the little brother he so wanted. I had to mourn the loss of this imaginary child before I could fully embrace the idea of a daughter - and I was more than ready for her when she was born. She is deeply loved by her big brother, and every day I give thanks for her - both kids are such a blessing, we are bloody lucky! So don't be too hard on yourself. Understand your disappointment, then let it go and move on.

BlackholesAndRevelations Sun 03-Feb-13 06:06:35

Oh I know two children are a blessing, regardless of gender. I am just incredibly lucky to be able to have both in my life, thats all I meant. Having lost a baby since having them, it has hit me even harder how blessed I am (even though I knew it already). Babies are miracles.

lotsofcheese Sun 03-Feb-13 08:35:58

I think your plan sounds good, especially finding out the gender. I

I've struggled to bond with my current pregnancy, after DS was born very prematurely (I'm facing that again) & 2 m/c, one of which was a molar pregnancy. It's all been very traumatic to get to this point.

I found out the gender & it has helped tremendously, from a psychological point of view.

After everything you have been through, it's really important that you ENJOY your baby. Take whatever steps necessary to help you do that. Good luck.

Ps you will love your baby, no matter what gender

orangetickle Sun 03-Feb-13 12:49:05

I'd definitely find out the gender. I was struggling to bond with this baby (#2) for various reasons, and finding out the gender (we hadn't with #1) has really really helped, and given me 20-odd weeks to get excited about the baby arriving.

And once you know, would shopping for some gender specific items help? Maybe that would help you construe an image of the 'new normal' in your head (assuming it is a boy) and get excited about what lies ahead?

And I think children's relationships with their parents is much more influenced by upbringing than innately dictated by their gender: there is no reason at all why you shouldn't be incredibly close to your son.

whyno Sun 03-Feb-13 14:02:34

I am so excited for what a shock you will have if you get a boy as you won't believe how unbearably in love with him you will be! I had a boy after wishing for a girl so I know. smile

Christelle2207 Sun 03-Feb-13 15:26:27

I sympathise, not had such a horrendous journey TTC as you but I did struggle, am now fairly convinced I am having a boy despite wishing I was having a girl. Although having another baby in the future would be a possibility, given how hard it was to get to this stage I'm not counting any chickens.
I'm not feeling heartbroken as you are - as other posters have said I am 100% certain your feelings will change when he (if a he) arrives however I would say that thinking of my immediate circle of friends, the guys I know on the whole have better relations with their mothers than the girls I know. My dh speaks to his mother daily and sees her weekly, I rarely speak to/ see mine (we get on, we're just not close and growing up I was definitely a daddy's girl). So I really would not worry about that aspect. Finding out for sure sounds like a plan, I would also like to, but dh is dead against.

fallingandlaughing Sun 03-Feb-13 15:40:06

Stories of boys close to their Mums....

I consider myself close to my mother. I ring her at least twice a week, see her at least once a fortnight.

My oldest brother lives "at home" along with his wife and kids. Sees our Mum every day, they are all planning to go on holiday together. Close enough?? grin

With all you've been through, it is only natural you should feel a bit shaken when what you have wanted for so long is finally happening, but might not quite fit the image you have in your head. You will adore this baby, your child, whatever the sex.

BT a lot of people talk of adoring your child from birth. My DD is 18 months and the absolute love and centre of my life. But when she was born I didn't have a whoosh of love, I can't really explain it but I see it now as the love was there from the start, but revealed to me gradually. So don't bank on instant euphoria on giving birht, doesn't mean there is something wrong if you don't have it.

TwitchyTail Sun 03-Feb-13 15:51:31

I would definitely recommend finding out the gender.

I always wanted a girl, and have no problem admitting I felt a bit disappointed when I was told at my 20 week scan that it was a boy. But knowing for sure allowed me plenty of time to adjust. Part of the problem was that I'd never pictured myself having a boy, which I think is quite common among women - it's outside of what we have experienced ourselves. But most boys and men I know are very close to their mothers and even more loyal than daughters.

I can't tell you how many people have squealed with excitement when I said I'm having a boy and told me lovely stories about how brilliant boys are and how much they love their mummies smile It really has helped. As has looking at stupid gender-stereotyped blue stuff with trains on it grin

Viviennemary Sun 03-Feb-13 15:59:41

At first when I saw your heading I didn't sympathise but when I read you post yes I do see your point. But I think it's all in the mind. What we perceive a daughter will be and what we perceive a son will be. And the reality is quite often different. Hope this makes sense.

Springforward Sun 03-Feb-13 16:05:35

FWIW, my 4 year old DS is the most affectionate child you could imagine. He adores his dad, and spends lots of time with him playing football etc. But when it really comes to it, when he's ill or tired, only mum will do. I've spent most of the afternoon baking cakes with him. Boys are lovely too.

Dogsmom Sun 03-Feb-13 16:17:39

I agree with the others about finding out.

I too had a preference for a girl, I never even wanted kids until my 30's but knew that if I did I'd want a girl, purely irrational, stereotypical reasons and being girly myself.
It took us 3 years to conceive and I too called the bump 'he' and made myself go around the boys sections in clothes shops to try and make myself as excited about a boy but always ended up glancing at the girls stuff wistfully.
Of course health was most important and the main worry before the 12 week scan was just hoping there would be A baby there with a heartbeat growing as they should but once that was confirmed my mind focused fully on the gender and it was spoiling my pregnancy and I knew that the feelings would be there right up until the birth and I really didn't want to have it hanging over me during labour because I knew there would be a pang if it was a boy.

In the end we had a private gender scan and it showed we are in fact expecting a girl which was then confirmed at the 20 week scan, naturally we were both over the moon (DH wanted a girl too) and I've gone on to enjoy my pregnancy but I know that I needed the time before the birth to get my head around it all, I also know that had it been a boy I'd have been fine with it once we'd named him, bought things for him and I'd been given the chance to look at the millions of positives that there are.

greenpostit Sun 03-Feb-13 16:23:26

Definitely get a gender scan ASAP. Then you will have certainty and a few weeks t get used to the idea before te baby comes. You could buy the baby some bits and pieces and finalise a name if you know the gender. All this sort thing will help you adjust to whether your baby is a girl or a boy.

Christelle2207 Sun 03-Feb-13 16:36:18

Also, do try and discuss your fears with your dp. X

beckie90 Sun 03-Feb-13 16:37:12

I always saw myself having a daughter, 1) I wanted that bond that me and my mum have.
2) been a little girl and always a very girly girl, I always dreamed of having my own.

But then I got pregnant tbh I didn't care what the baby was just aslong as evertything was fine but I knew I'd have more then 1 child I had a boy, 2 years later I had another little boy we found out with both at the 20wk scan, 2nd I was a little bit like aww no girls for me then I thought that was my lasr baby, but by time I gave birth I was totally fine with having a boy didn't cross my mind st all, I did get Aww bless you I bet you wish it was a girl don't you, my answer was no I don't care this little person is mine no matter of the gender. I'm so glad I had 2 boys together they are so different to each other and there both mummys boys, cudnt imagine it any other way.

However I'm now pregnant with number 3, this definatly is my last I start midwifery course in September, so don't want no more, and now I know deep down this is my last, I won't lie I do want a girl, BUT I know given OH family (just about all boys been born.90% of them) the chances are very low of me having a girl. I kind of accepted that a long time ago, Il be happy no matter what there all there own little person. And I have no doubts that when your baby arrives you will adore it no matter what the gender, I promise you smile also the feelings are very normal. Please don't feel bad.

The best of luck to you smile xx

pmgkt Sun 03-Feb-13 16:40:08

I can relate to this but the other way around, I wanted a boy. Both pregnancies. Everyone assumed I would want a girl, especially second time around. With ds2 we did find out so I had time to get my head around it. You will love it either way, don't panic if you don't get that rush the moment its born, that often doesn't happen. Talk to your other half though so he knows how you feel, he can help you talk it through and help you if you do get a boy, and make sure you are alright.

Peevish Sun 03-Feb-13 16:59:23

I didn't realise I had any gender preference at all, so when I found out at 20 weeks I was having a boy and went home, sat on the sofa and bawled my eyes out for hours, I was disgusted with myself. Like you, I knew this would be my only baby, and was grieving for the girl I hadn't consciously known I wanted.

I was badly upset and felt shaken and bitter for weeks, I posted on here (namechanged, because I was so ashamed) and was flamed by quite a few people, which I accepted as what I deserved. Some people also wrote lovely things I still remember.

My son is now ten months, and the idea that I ever thought he might be a girl, or wanted him to be one, is laughable. He is unspeakably gorgeous - clever, funny, stubborn, sociable, giggly - and I adore him from the bottom of my heart.

Do find out, give yourself time to come to terms with it, talk through your feelings with someone neutral (a couple of sessions with a good counsellor?) - and, above all, don't worry. You are so upset at the moment because you haven't met your actual baby yet - you are grieving for a (possible) lost girl, while you don't have an actual warm armful of baby yet. The real one you have, whatever the sex, will be so much better than the imaginary one.

exoticfruits Sun 03-Feb-13 17:23:24

It is the personality that counts. Many women do not get on with their mothers at all! Everyone seems to have a cosy dream that they will end up 'best friend' as adults-experience should tell you that it is not the case! You can have wonderful, close relationships with boys. It is entirely down to luck whether you happen to be on the same wavelength.

Viviennemary Sun 03-Feb-13 17:55:55

I totally agree with you exoticfruits. My Mother had a wonderful relationship with her mother who sadly died before I was born. She thought we would have the same relationship.. We didn't really get on very well quite a lot of the time. I was an only one and felt I didn't live up to her expectations. Not achievement wise but in this whole perfect kindred spirit mother/daughter relationship. We both got on each others nerves quite a bit.

exoticfruits Sun 03-Feb-13 18:24:25

Take my friend-she has a good relationship with her DD but hasn't got her into a 'pretty dress' since she was about 2yrs-her DD does not shop and definitely not with her mother!
DD has now gone to New Zealand-loved it and bought a house.On NY's Day she got engaged to a New Zealander farmer and so that is it-there for life I imagine. Her future MIL lives less than 2 miles away and so she will be the 'hands on' grandmother while my friend will make do with Skype and won't be able to visit more than once every 2 years-if that.
Life never goes the way you expect.

exoticfruits Sun 03-Feb-13 19:12:51

It is probably time for my favourite poem

On Children
Kahlil Gibran

Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself.
They come through you but not from you,
And though they are with you yet they belong not to you.

You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow,
which you cannot visit, not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them,
but seek not to make them like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.

You are the bows from which your children
as living arrows are sent forth.
The archer sees the mark upon the path of the infinite,
and He bends you with His might
that His arrows may go swift and far.
Let your bending in the archer's hand be for gladness;
For even as He loves the arrow that flies,
so He loves also the bow that is stable.

Far too many people think they can have free rein to plan lives. If it isn't gender they have planned a brilliant academic career when the DC may want to be a potter or a landscape gardener. Or they think that because they are an atheist/Christian/Buddhist etc their DC will follow or they only have to give them a vegetarian diet from birth to produce a vegetarian for life or because they like sport they will produce a DC who is interested in sport and actually wants to play!
One of the most enlightening threads on MN was a woman whose husband loved sailing, and weekends revolved around going to stay in a caravan by the sea when the DCs wanted to be at home. I thought it sounded lovely but the thread was full of resentful posters who had been made to follow their parent's interests.
You have to respond to the DC that you have and not the one of your imagination. Maybe some counselling to overcome it would be a good idea. You may only have one chance, but I have had 3 chances and all boys- and if I were to have another I still have only a 50% chance of a girl. If I were to bet on it then it would be 4 boys.

nametakenagain Sun 03-Feb-13 19:24:10

Don't worry about it, either way I'm sure you'll be delighted. If it helps at all, I thought I woudn't know what to do with a boy, but he's been the joy of my life.

Seenenoughtoknow Sun 03-Feb-13 19:26:09

The lovely thing about babies is that they are cuddly little bundles of love for such a long time and gender doesn't really play a part until much later. I thought my first was going to be a boy (just a feeling) but she was a lovely little girl, and I thought my second would be a girl (just a feeling again - so wrong!) and he is a gorgeous little boy. He is cuddled up asleep on me now and is such a loving, playful little thing. Whatever you have, you will just be so surprised by how much love you feel that you will forget what you wanted, and be more than happy with what you have been given. smile

exoticfruits Sun 03-Feb-13 19:47:31

As a mother of boys I would say that they are very loving and cuddly!

marriedinwhite Sun 03-Feb-13 20:00:02

My dd was my 5th pg. I had two late first trimester mcs and our second son was born at 27 weeks with severe congenital heart diseases. He lived for a few hours. All those lost pgs, incl ds1 were boys. I only wanted a boy during that last pg; we didn't know the sex of the baby and I dreaded having a girl. The moment dd was handed to me I couldn't believe the miracle of her birth (quick and easy and full term), her 9.5 apgar score of pink healthiness, the very essence of her being and her survival. Take it as it comes OP.

And looking at dd (14.5) who I convinced myself was a boy to replace all my boys, wrapped in three feet of blonde hair and still in her jamas with two bits of homework to do all will be well. Honest. Just wait till the scrap or bouncing bundle is in your arms.

Not sure this clear scanning lark is all that helpful really although we could have known with both ours (14 and 18) but chose not to - it makes for a very special moment at the birth. Remembers midwife saying is exasperation "well what do you think it is; can you see anything dangling, because I can't".

DontEvenThinkAboutIt Sun 03-Feb-13 20:04:42

I think it is ok to feel dissapointed (for a bit) but I can assure you that whoever you get you will be delighted. There is no need to try and rationalise your feelings. You always wanted a girl and you are a little worried that you will be dissapointed if you don't have a girl...it is hardly crime of the century....

It is fantastic that you are having a baby, congratulations. smile. Hope you enjoy every moment.

beginnings Sun 03-Feb-13 20:05:33

I completely agree with what Sleepyhead said.

i was convinced DD was a boy. I was easy either way as it happens (also ivf) but I was sure I'd seen something at 20 weeks and therefore convinced myself it was as boy. So much so that it took but a while to get my head around having a girl once she was here. In fact 9 months in, I'm not sure I really see her as a girl. I just see her as herself! Nine month olds don't seem to have massive gender tendencies.....she's developmentally similar to all her pals, regardless of gender!

When she was born, my Mum said "are you really pleased she's a girl" quietly and privately as if it was something that was ok to admit. I have to say that all I could think was "this is my child, the gender doesn't matter" and OP, that's from someone who spent day 3 crying over the Moses basket promising her I'd do my best to learn to love her. The reality of having a baby after trying for so long took a while to come to terms with. I certainly didn't get the initial rush of love. In fact, the first time I remember really feeling that very consciously, she was three weeks old.

Now I wouldn't change a bit of her (although I'd be marginally happier if she hadn't burped an entire feed over my duvet at 6.30 this morning for the first time in her life!). She's a great person.

Being aware is the first step OP. Don't be scared of your feelings, just work with them. And congratulations and the very very best of luck.

I have two "boys", well they are young men now. Like you OP I originally wanted a girl and was shocked when I had a boy the first time. But let me say that I have the loveliest, cuddly, thoughtful lads you could ever hope to have. Yes, at times we have issues and difficulties, but on the whole they are wonderful. Both DH and I are very ill these days, but DS1 can be so helpful and kind despite his own disabilities and DS2 who is at Uni chats to me most days via FB. I have tons of Mothers Day mugs in our cupboard. During holidays I often sit in bed reading with my lads snuggled up either side and they are in their twenties now!

gillian88 Sun 03-Feb-13 20:43:33

I have a little boy and a girl, don't get me wrong i love them both equally and unconditionally however I feel I have a very special relationship with my little boy. Little girls are very independent however boys are very much 'mummy's boys' and love cuddling up to mummy!

Fishandjam Sun 03-Feb-13 21:02:35

phoenix, I just wanted to say that I have a DS (now 3) and he is the best, funniest little darling I could ever wish for. I had a ton of fun shopping for stuff to decorate his room with - it doesn't all have to be diggers and tractors! I loved finding nice clothes for him - cute bright ones, rather than unpleasant sludge-coloured small versions of adult male clothes. He likes baking, bead threading and walks in the woods (as well as "boy" activities like playing with cars and Lego and charging around yelling fit to bust ). And he is a cuddle monster. When I became pregnant for the second time I almost hoped it would be another boy - it wasn't, or rather she wasn't, but that's fine too.

You will adore your little chap, trust me.

TheGrandPooBah Sun 03-Feb-13 22:01:07

I couldn't agree more with pretty much all the posters - you will so love your baby, you'll be astounded in 6 months that it was an issue at all.
Wishing you a safe and happy birth, and hoping to hear back later just how happy you are with your little one.

FeeFoo Sun 03-Feb-13 22:15:46

I'm have to DS's and assure you, all will be fine. I think you answered your own concerns succinctly when you wrote about letting go! No one can prepare you for the adventures of parenthood, though one thing that I am sure of, you will love your little miracle unconditionally - boy or girl!!! Best of luck with the rest of your pregnancy. grin

exoticfruits Sun 03-Feb-13 22:26:24

I think that you will be fine dealing with your actual baby- it is very different from thinking about a hypothetical baby.

emmyloo2 Mon 04-Feb-13 03:18:14

I can understand this. With my first, I desperately wanted a girl. I just have always wanted a girl. I am also one of two girls and my sister is my best friend and we are very very close to my Mum. My Mum was one of five girls. However, I had a boy. I was disappointed but then it just felt right. And once we was born, I adored having a boy. I just loved it. And he is now 2.3 and he is just gorgeous and I wouldn't want it any other way. There are lots of great things about having a boy and I think you will get over the disappointment once the baby is born. I am sure you will. You can still have a lovely close relationship with a son. My little boy is so affectionate - he is always hugging and kissing me - it melts my heart. I love it. Perhaps it's even nice coming from a little gorgeous boy. I am now pregnant again with a girl, but I actually thought having two boys would be sweet.

Try and put it out of your mind and focus on having a little boy - he will bring you so much joy!

trustissues75 Mon 04-Feb-13 03:20:09

I think you are being too hard on yourself. I'm on number 2. I've always wanted a girl - I was disappointed when DC1 was a boy but I soon got over it and wouldn't change him for the world. I'm desperate for DC2 to be a girl (I have no idea yet) This one is my last and I know it will hit me harder this time if it's a boy - I also know I'll get over it, love him, and never whish him to be anyone but him.

You are allowed your feelings. Let them have their way for a little while. You're allowed hopes and dreams and wishes...it's your right to have them. You'll be just fine no matter what the sex of the baby is.

Stop beating yourself up.

Thank you all for sharing such wonderful stories! Your DSs all sound like amazing little (or not-so-little) people!! I already feel better just for having openly admitted feeling the way I did. I spent a good hour yesterday on Amazon looking up boys clothes and actually got quite excited about some of them - seems small and silly but it's progress for me.

I am going to find out about getting a private scan to find out the gender and keep you updated. Thanks again to all x

AllOverIt Mon 04-Feb-13 05:46:51

My DH is way closer to his mum than I am to mine and rings her 3-4 times a week. She lives 10 mins away. I can go 3-4 weeks between contacting mine, she lives 1.5 hrs drive away.

My DS is amazing! Clever, kind, quiet, but determined. He's fascinated by the world every day. He's got a lot more in common with me than my DD, though I love them both equally, obviously.

Boys are easier, on the whole, and I speak as a teacher of 15 years and as a mother of both. They tend to be less complicated, especially as teenagers.

Good luck smile

EugenesAxe Mon 04-Feb-13 06:07:57

I am very like you OP in terms of my relationship with my mother so can empathise. I will just say there are some girls that completely do not gel with their mothers and some boys that do. My DH feels the need to call home at least once a week.

My son is lovely and funny; very affectionate as a young child. I think you will love yours to bits if your suspicions prove correct.

When the time comes for him to get more independent, don't mollycoddle; when he gets married, give him and his wife space to find their way as a family. I think sons (and daughters, but the former especially) are more likely to be cool to their mothers if they don't allow them to grow up.

Good luck with the birth and everything!

2monkeybums Mon 04-Feb-13 09:00:31

As a Mum of two beautiful boys, I wouldn't change it for the world. When I was pregnant with Ds1 my DH wanted a girl and so at the 20 week scan I was slightly disappointed for him but once Ds came along we were both thrilled with him. By the time Ds2 came along we didn't care either way. This time I was slightly disappointed for the other family members who really wanted a girl, my Mum and sister sounded rather deflated when I called after my 20 week scan! Once Ds2 was born he was gorgeous and a really delightful baby and everyone fell in love with him straight away as they had with Ds1. I now cant believe I spent any of my pregnancies being disappointed for other people!!! With every day that passes I am more sure I am meant to be a Mum of boys. They are wonderful. You will love him so very much op.

DanniiH Mon 04-Feb-13 09:28:38

My oh has 3 sisters and he is as close to his mum as they are. He goes for lunch most days too as he works near her house.

We have a little boy and he is as affectionate if not more so than little girls we know. It's more about the life you create for your children than what gender they are. If you make it so they want to be around you then they will. x

DanniiH Mon 04-Feb-13 09:29:09

My oh has 3 sisters and he is as close to his mum as they are. He goes for lunch most days too as he works near her house.

We have a little boy and he is as affectionate if not more so than little girls we know. It's more about the life you create for your children than what gender they are. If you make it so they want to be around you then they will. x

IrnBruTheNoo Mon 04-Feb-13 10:14:41

"and see that mothers are so much closer to their daughters than their sons"

This is not always the case, sadly. I am not close to my own mother. I do phone her but more out of obligation, rather than because I've a close relationship with her. We have very little in common.

I have two boys. And I won't lie that during both of those pregnancies I didn't have the odd pang about whether or not one of them was going to be a girl. But in between both of them, I had a MMC and that was enough for me to realise that life is precious and the gender is so irrelevant. It's just a fantasy in your head, that's all. Once your baby (boy or girl) is in your arms, the gender will mean nothing to you both.

Lots of supportive posts here, much better than others having a go at you, OP. What a lovely thread to read. Good luck with everything, we're all here for you to talk any time x

jellybeans Mon 04-Feb-13 13:26:44

I wasn't bothered at all with my 1st one. But after having DD1 I really wanted another girls with DC2. Mainly as I had enjoyed my DD so much and also have no brothers and not good relationships with boys growing up. My friends all had boys and were so negative about them they said they were 'desperate for a girl' and I was so lucky etc etc. My mother and grandmother continually went on and on about how much nicer girls were and how boys cleared off as adults. I am ashamed to say i 'felt sorry' for those with just boys at one point blush. But this was just ignorance on my part.

Many years later I have 2 DDs and 3DSs. I went through 2 stillbirths and other early losses which also taught me that it was lucky to have a baby of any gender. Well it was only when I had my own boys (twin DSs first) that I realised how fab they were and they were every bit as fab as having a DD. I enjoyed everything just as much, even the toys and clothes people seem so negative about! I was over the moon when DC5 was a DS! And would happily have more of them!

Poonli Mon 04-Feb-13 13:47:05

I'm pregnant with my first and have no idea of the gender yet. However, I'm not really close to either of my parents. I've always kind of done my own thing. My husband on the other hand is definately a 'mummy's boy'. he speaks to his mum pretty much every day.

I have a niece and nephew whom I am very close to and its actually my nephew who I am closer to. He gives the best cuddles!

I think when you have your baby in your arms, the gender wont matter. You'll just have love for each other.

ginabelle Sat 30-Mar-13 13:00:08

Just wondered if you got your little girl ?

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