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feeling utterly horrendous after health visit

(123 Posts)
iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 17:48:36

Today i was visited by a health visitor for first time. Im 37 wks. She was very very nice but she asked so many questions about past depression and the baby that I am left feeling shattered.
After a long chat i feel like
-my diet isnt good enough for the baby
-my house isnt warm enough/ready for the baby
-i am not ready or prepared for the baby

I couldnt answer Qs like what sort of parent do you think you'll be, what will it be like when you bring the baby home.

I havent been to any classes or read any books or surrounded myself with a support network - i have no support network. I feel that she thinks i am being abused by my partner and that i am isolated. I completely broke down because i am struggling with the loss of all of my friends since getting pregnant and moving away. My normal confident bubbly self was nowhere to be seen.

I am left feeling like a bad mother.

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 17:50:22

She also said I had my head in the sand about everything. Don't know what I want - I just feel terrible. Really terrible.

From what i understand (which admittedly, isn't alot) you don't have to see a health visitor. If she's going to make you feel like this, I certainly wouldn't see one! Can you ask to change HV if you still want/need the support?

CashmereHoodlum Tue 22-Jan-13 17:54:31

How did you feel in terms of preparedness for the baby before the HV visit?

Is your house too cold? Could you improve your diet? The other things she mentioned are longer term improvements, but try to think about the things she mentioned today and what you could to to change the situation now.

whattodoo Tue 22-Jan-13 17:56:28

I'm sure she meant well, but maybe said it in a way that felt critical to you.

Are there any local ante natal classes you could go to? I enjoyed mixing with other parents-to-be and have remained friends with them. I also went to aqua natal at the local pool for the same reason.

Is there a reason why you feel isolated? Do you feel up to trying a group or two to meet new people?

fivepies Tue 22-Jan-13 17:58:14

What a horrible experience for you. I'm so cross that the health visitor has made you so upset, especially when you are 37 weeks.
I couldn't have answered those questions before I had my daughter, so please don't think that means you're not going to be a good mum - you'll do a great job. I didn't do any courses either, nor do I have a support network and we have managed just fine and are a happy family of 3, soon to be 4.
You can't possibly know what it's going to be like until your baby arrives and you'll learn as you go along (like everyone else does!).
Ignore her, ignore her and focus on looking forward to meeting your baby xx

CashmereHoodlum Tue 22-Jan-13 17:59:47

Are you being abused?

I must say, my HV was absolutely hopeless and not very nice. She told my DH he had to change careers, said my mother should move to be near to me and said that I should take a course so that I could get a certificate in basic literacy.

I don't doubt that some HVs are helpful but that wasn't my experience. Were the problems highlighted by the HV real, thinking about it as objectively as you can?

Mama1980 Tue 22-Jan-13 18:00:36

Hi sorry your feeling awful. No hv should make you feel that way.
Before she came how did you feel? Did you feel prepared etc? Are you concerned about your lack of support network?

NAR4 Tue 22-Jan-13 18:00:40

My HV was useless last time and told me off for letting my baby play with the toys at the surgery that she had put out on the floor. She said it was unhygienic.

This time for my pre-natal visit it was a different HV and this one thought I should get a downstairs sink put in somewhere or keep a bowl of soapy water in my living room, for when my toddler uses the potty.

Just ignore the useless comments. Some HV are great (like the one I had for my first three children) and others are rubbish (like yours).

Try and find out what toddler groups and activities for new mums are on in your area. Look on the internet for your nearest children's centre. Theses are great for making new friends and building a support network with other mums you get on with.

katesav87 Tue 22-Jan-13 18:01:52

So sorry to hear she's made u feel that wat it's not on! It's hard enoughs to not be scared about a new baby and how u will cope let alone a hv saying things like that. I would never of know n e of that with my first daugther!! But it comes so naturally to you and u will do a fab job!! Don't let it get u down she obviously was having a bad day. U will know if its to cold in your house etc. don't panic and just enjoy the rest before baby is here. Maybe find some local baby classes nearby ready to join when they arrive so you can meet other people were you live x

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 18:04:16

She was very nice and I'm sure she didnt mean to make me feel bad.
I felt prepared in that we feel ready for thebaby and I have been of the opinion that it will be a natural thing - being a mother. We have baby things and a moses basket and all the stuff you need for a new baby. We felt happy and excitedbut we jst havent been to classes.
I havent really given much thought to what I eat - ive just eaten what i could keep down or what i have wanted. I have lost a lot of weight due to sickness throughout. Then when she asked i started to think how bad it was - and she frowned on what I ate yesterday which was pretty bad. The house isnt warm enough but i am working on that as we need to make some changes this weekend - we have only just moved in.

Pizzaexpress2 Tue 22-Jan-13 18:09:29

Hi. Sorry you are feeling so low, especially at this stage in your pregnancy with the baby's arrival imminent.
Unfortunately the role of the HV is often misinterpreted. A lot of the questions are designed to get a picture of where you are at and any potential support you may need. It is not prying for the sake of it.
Many parents do have an idea of how they hope to be as parents, but equally many don't really consider how it will be. That is just different personalities, no relation to your actual parenting style once reality sets in.

Please write down your concerns, if you feel able can you request a different HV. It would not be a problem, not everyone can take to every person they meet.
There is PALS that you can raise your concerns with as well. People are often reluctant to make comments or complaints which is a shame.
In order for you to get any benefit from your HV you need to have some semblance of a relationship with her.
If you have indicated that your diet is not as good as it can be then it is not unreasonable for someone whose remit is health to broach the subject with you.
I hope you are ok and able to concentrate on getting yourself ready for the baby.
Good luck.

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 18:11:09

I felt really excited before she came cause i thought it would be exciting and I dont get to see anyone other than my partner and occasionally my mother. My partner is wonderful and excited but he was home today and excused himself after a while so i could be on my own with her - which i could tell she thought was him being uninterested and kept asking me if he was excited and abt domestic violence and if i was getting support and i could just tell, cause i was very teary that she thought he was abusive. I broke down abt my friends because i moved just before pregnancy and since then theyve all just basically not given me the time of day.

CashmereHoodlum Tue 22-Jan-13 18:13:10

Maybe jot down a few notes about how you plan to address the issues she raised, so that you can show you have thought about what she said. Try not to feel down about it. Using the HV service is not compulsory, but once you have got involved with them it sometimes pays to nod and smile.

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 18:14:01

I am in no way saying she was a bad health visitor - she was lovely and im sure very good at her job but i didnt have an answer for half the Qs and i guess im left feeling terrible that I havent pre-thought abt all these things before.

RuchedCurtain Tue 22-Jan-13 18:19:33

I'm sorry you feel upset. But it sounds as though you agree with some of the issues she raised - you are lacking support and feeling a bit low. Did she offer any support or just point out problems?

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 18:24:18

She pointed out groups near me and said i should go to them. I didnt think i had any issues - other than not having made friends yet.

DoIgetastickerforthat Tue 22-Jan-13 18:25:32

They ask everybody about domestic violence, please don't think that she asked because she had picked up some sort of vibe. Most of their questions are 'standard' and are asked in order to asses individuals needs. That said, there are some HV's have the sensitivity of a breeze block. Don't let it upset you.

wigglesrock Tue 22-Jan-13 18:27:35

Health visitors have to ask about domestic violence as a matter of course now. It has absolutely no bearing on any thoughts she may have about yourself or your partner.

My diet was really bad through all 3 of my pregnancies - I was vomiting the whole way through the 9 months and one of the midwives I saw around 37 weeks had a chat with me re keeping healthy (this was my 3rd baby grin)

Are you feeling isolated? Perhaps have a nosy now before the baby comes at some Baby and me type groups. At least if you have some details written down you may feel slightly more prepared. Regarding the support network, I think the health visitor is just making sure that when your partner heads back to work - how long can he take off after the baby is born? you aren't left high and dry, knackered, all over the place etc with no additional support which you can access through health visitors post birth.

You will be asked about domestic violence and feelings of depression/ mental wellbeing throughout your first few health visitor appointments after the baby this is routine and there incase new Mums don't feel that they can independently raise any issues with a GP etc.

With regards to the antenatal classes etc, have you thought about birth positions/ when to head to the hospital/what you need to bring with you? You'll need to have a bit of a plan, but you can sort that out.

Badvoc Tue 22-Jan-13 18:30:14

Why haven't you been to classes or read books?
It's not compulsory but it can be very helpful.
The groups could help you make friends.
I am sorry you are upset.
But babies do need a warm house so perhaps concentrate on that fist?
Btw babies need very little in the way of "stuff" so don't worry about that x

OwlLady Tue 22-Jan-13 18:32:04

I think she was most probably giving you constructive criticism and she has been clumsy about how she has presented that to you, do you think that might be it?

I think we all feel unprepared for our first baby. I always felt got at by my HV and I thought that was because I was a young Mum, but I realised several years afterwards that she was actually concerned about me and my daughter because of various reasons (nothing to do with me being a bad Mum, just other issues out of our control)

Go to the groups and things and take her help and advice if offered but try not to take it to heart.

GTbaby Tue 22-Jan-13 18:33:32

I agree with previous post. I have heard of alot of HV and MW asking about domestic violence.

On one check up MW asked if I had support other the Dh implying he wasn't very good. He popped out during my monitoring to top up car park.

I agree with her going to groups idea. Maybe pop along now to become familiar with ppl who r there n start making friends.

I HAD nothing when LO was born. So in terms of being prepared ignore her wink

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 18:34:13

Thanks - i know they have to ask abt DV and she even said that but i could just tellas I came across as meek and vulnerable and teary and depressed and he came across as quite distant that she was worried abt me.

OwlLady Tue 22-Jan-13 18:35:22

do you honestly feel she has anything to worry about?

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 18:38:34

I tried reading some books but found they made me more anxious as they were full of things to worry about and doom and gloom about pregnancy. I have an awful fear of childbirth and am of the mindset that i would rather not know all about it before hand as again it makes me very anxious and fearful of it. This is my coping mechanism.

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 18:40:35

Owllady - i dont think so. I was ok before she came other than usual ups and mostly downs of being this late in pregnancy and fed up of waiting.

OwlLady Tue 22-Jan-13 18:43:24

well, have confidence in yourself. Everything will be fine smile

ZolaBuddleia Tue 22-Jan-13 18:43:33

Yes, they do have to ask about DV. After DD was born my (lovely) HV kept asking about DP, I think it's par for the course that they include the whole family scenario. As it happens, he was coping very badly, but I suspect her initial questions would have been asked of everyone.

Ohhelpohnoitsa Tue 22-Jan-13 18:47:49

Certain areas have a really high dv rate & the health visitors are obliged to ask. they also have concerns if for instance, they never get to see the mother alone i. e. if always chaperoned by partner. They are obliged to ask - it's in all our interests that babies are kept safe. However, some of them do have a way of making you feel utterly crap. the first one to visit me on day 1 with ds1 came in, said "get that hat off him now" (hospital had told me to keep one on). She barged her way through the tasks and was horrible. Her bedside manner and customer service skills were zilch. The sad thing is, you feel like these people are out to get you, rather than help you and offer advice. If I were you, I would ask not to see her again. Thankfully for me, all the subsequent visits were done by several lovely hv. They did ask the same questions re. dv, asked to see where baby sleeps etc etc but they had a much better manner. Hopefully you too will get better ones. They do have a way of making you question yourself though or maybe thats just the hormones. Deffo go to their weigh in clinics & stay if you can. You will get a much better service and get to know a few good tips and maybe even. get to know some people. go to mother &
baby things - as mant as you can. I only went to the clinic and that became very obvious when my ds started school and lots of the kids and parents seemed to know each other and we knew noone.

wigglesrock Tue 22-Jan-13 18:50:55

Oh, I know what you mean I avoided any books that looked like they contained diagrams/pictures grin but a little bit of reading up might boost your confidence and belief in yourself. I only read one book before my first baby (Kaz Cookes), I liked it, or simply have a nosy around the Mumsnet pages. I wish I had known about MN when I had dd1 ( I knew feck all).

Ohhelpohnoitsa Tue 22-Jan-13 18:53:48

Sorry unclear - they had all been to the toddler group in our village, whereas we had only ever been to the weigh in clinic a few miles away.

Remember you are 37wks, hormonal & have obvious mixed feelings of excitement & trepidation of what is too come.

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 19:02:49

Thank you all. I know 100% that the issues are mine and mine alone. I felt embarrassed not having the best answers to her Qs about being a mother as Im a perfectionist and always want to be perfect. By asking about my diet it made me think of how much junk food i have eaten in the last week and that made me feel guilty. The issues about my loss of friendships are raw and painful and I wanted her to see how happy our home is(which it is) but itcame across so badly.It felt a bit like a therapy session. Maybe she made me realise even more how clueless i am. Wish i didntcare what people thought abt me but i have always been stupidly sensitive.

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 19:06:31

And it has been my only vent for a long time -apart from my partner - and i just let it all out and my anger and devastation came out about my friends and its hard to snap out of it once shes gone.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Tue 22-Jan-13 19:17:04

Oh poor you, you sound really shakey & miserable. Please don't worry about it toooo much (although I'm sure you will!). You don't need to be being abused to be lonely & miserable & unconfident, although of course having a not good relationship would make everything pretty awful. My point being, it's ok to feel like this & I'm not sure anyone should jump to a conclusion about why unless you want to tell them.

Sounds like you having a crisis of confidence - this doesn't mean you are being a bad mum.

Diet - at this stage, a bad diet is much more likely to effect you than the baby, the whole pregnancy thing is designed so that the baby takes what it needs from the mums body, so a bad diet will be depleting your reserves first. Can you afford to go get some pregnancy multivitamins? That would help. And if it's all a bit overwhelming try & eat one thing better a day, & see if you like it/ can stomach it. Every bit helps.

Heat - you said you doing something about that, so unless I'm missing something, nothing to worry about, you're already on it!

Info - some people like to prepare prepare prepare to feel confident about a new, big & potentially scary thing happening. Other people feel more comfortable taking it as things happen & relying on instinct/ innate skills. It's ok to be the second type of person you know, it's just a different way of dealing with things.

BUT some things are good to have a think about before hand to do with birth & just after, as it can be stressful making decisions in the moment & people firing questions at you! Do you know enough about the kinds of things you need to know for the birth? And about feeding etc? Some people make it totally over complicated (ahem, me for example!), but ther are a few important things it's good to have an opinion on. You can always ask mumsnetters questions you know!

And finally, the most important thing I think is that you've left your friends behind & it's making you feel sad & lonely. Would you like to make some new friends in your area? Are you feeling scared about it? Or a bit unsupported? It IS scary to be very pregnant & have moved & not have other people in the same situation. Internet, local groups, cafes... Lots of places to find other mums, again, we can also suggest lots of ideas, but I guess am just asking whether that would be helpful or not?

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 21:05:35

Thanks doublelife - it is the loss of friends and isolation that is the issue. I have been on another site and got lots of responses from mums or mums to be in my area who want to meet and become friends but my loss of confidence and not feeling myself means i keep cancelling and just cant make that first step to meet. Being pregnant i dont feel in control or secure or confident like this - ive left it too long and now its too hard. I get nervous going out without my partner. SO RIDICULOUS AND NOT LIKE ME but keep thinking once i have my baby i'll feel ok again.

lurcherlover Tue 22-Jan-13 21:20:21

iam, if you're worried about your diet we could help? Perhaps tell us a bit about what you have eaten recently/what you think you could keep down, and we could suggest little ways to make it a bit healthier?

Re the groups - if you're planning on breastfeeding (or even just keeping an open mind about it at this stage), there will be support groups nearby you can go to with a bump as well as a baby - in my experience the other mums there are lovely and very supportive, and I made some great new friends at my local group. Your HV should know details of when/where groups meet, or you might be able to get the info from the hospital or the NCT.

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 21:31:53

Thanks Lurcher. I have been really ill through these eight months and had heartburn from hell no matter what I tried to eat which would make me be sick. Two weeks ago i finally got some tablets from the doctors which means I can finally eat a whole evening meal. Because this has been so exciting and novel i have eaten anything I have wanted - and havent really thought about it. I have had my favourite take aways and crap food because i have lived on cereal and toast for 8 months. I didnt give it much thought till she asked and then felt guilty as hell. But i do understand what is healthy i was just so excited to be able to eat.

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 22-Jan-13 21:34:20

She said she was going to look into breast feeding groups and NCT groups etc for me and would be in contact. She really was nice - i just felt so terrible when she left and so clueless about it all. I couldnt answer any of her questions abt being a mother.

florry88 Tue 22-Jan-13 21:36:02

havnt read through all the replies but i wasnt to give you a hug. Pregnancy is hard enough without some idiot health viz asking daft questions. Ignore her and ignore the questions.

ignore, ignore , ignore xx

lurcherlover Tue 22-Jan-13 21:38:22

When I was pregnant with ds we moved house, and our new house didn't have a working cooker and we couldn't afford one for ages - so for basically my whole third trimester I ate anything that could be cooked in the microwave or came from a takeaway (this was before MN had opened my eyes to the magic world of the slow cooker!) I did feel guilty, but did my best by eating lots of fruit (and as much veg cooked in the microwave as I could) and drinking milk, eating yoghurts etc. DS came out weighing 8lb 14oz, perfectly healthy, and at two years old now my crappy restricted diet for those weeks seems to have done him no harm at all. I also didn't eat brilliantly whilst I was breastfeeding either but everyone on MN told me diet makes no difference to the quality of milk (they're wise souls on here) so I relaxed and stopped worrying. Your baby will be fine as nature makes them efficient parasites, so he/she is getting what's needed - your body might be suffering a bit, but start eating some fruit and taking a multivitamin and you'll be well on the way to getting back on board with it.

And welcome to parenthood - the guilt never leaves you, it just transfers onto another issue... we all feel it though!

queenofthepirates Tue 22-Jan-13 21:42:28

Hi OP,

It's okay if the HV is a little worried about you, let them help you if they think you might need a bit of a hand. It sounds as though she might have picked up on some of your anxieties and perhaps she can hold your hand a bit.

I'm a single mum and I remember my mum was affronted that the HV asked some questions she thought were a bit out of order. I just gently explained that it was natural she might wonder if I needed more help. Not unsurprisingly I did need a bit of extra TLC and she gave it to me. Job done.

Go gently on yourself and I'd suggest not ignoring everything she says.

JiltedJohnsJulie Tue 22-Jan-13 21:53:46

If it makes you feel any better I didn't go to any classes and had a terrible diet because I was so sick and faint, I also didn't read any books. Have 2 lovely DC so its not everything. If you do think you might want a book for when Lo arrives have a look at the baby book. No strict routines, just good, evidence based info.

Sone of te groups she suggested might be a good idea, although I know it can be daunting. All of my friends were at work when I was on mat leave and the local groups saved my sanity. You don't have to wait for Lo to arrive either.

Sorry she made you feel so bad. Some HVs are just a bit nuts though. My friend was told by her HV that her house was too small. Not really sure what the HV expected her to do grin

wanderingalbatross Tue 22-Jan-13 22:03:27

When I was pg with DD, I found myself feeling really unconfident and unsociable, and I was in a similar situation to you in having moved away from friends and didn't really have anyone close by. In my case, it was definitely the pregnancy hormones that made me feel like that, and I was much better after DD was born. I have met a bunch of new friends now, some through antenatal classes and some through local groups. Just wanted to say that you're not alone in feeling similar during pregnancy smile I think those hormones have a lot to answer for!

Also, don't think I could answer questions about parenting before DD arrived! She's 18mo now and I still don't know what kind of parent I want to be.

It sounds like you're just in a rough patch at the moment through no fault of your own (tough pregnancy, moved away from friends etc.) and the HV was just trying to see how she could help?

BouncyPenguin Tue 22-Jan-13 22:26:08

I understand how health professionals can make you feel when your pregnant/just given birth. Its good to remember that they have a tick lists and targets. Some give lots of advice and some give very little. Some of them are helpful and some are not. Take it all with a pinch of salt.They don't know you.

Don't worry about not having read books. You don't need to read a book or make any plans for the birth. The birth will just happen one way or another regardless of anything else and you will have very little control over how it happens. Ring the hospital when you think you're in labour and they will lead you as to when to go in. When you're in hospital the midwife will lead you through it there and then. Once the baby arrives there will be plenty of time of time to go to baby groups and make friends when you feel ready. Your main priorities after the birth will be recovering, feeding the baby and trying to get some sleep in between, nothing else will matter.

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 09:29:52

woken up this morning and to be honest I just dont feel I can cope. I cant be a mother - im not in any way prepared. I dont know what type of mum i will be. im not ready to be a mum. i dont know how to look after a baby at all. She asked me how i would bond with the baby and i didnt know. the baby deserves a better mum than me.

ZolaBuddleia Wed 23-Jan-13 09:39:05

Try not to worry too much, you'll be very hormonal and it's hard to think straight. A friend of mine had antenatal depression and was saying lots of the same things you are. How about speaking to your GP if you feel you don't have a good relationship with the HV?

Nobody can answer how they will bond with the baby. I didn't bond with mine until about 4 to 6 weeks, and I'm besotted. And during that 'non bonded' time I wasn't any less of a mother, please don't worry that you'll fail your child.

ZolaBuddleia Wed 23-Jan-13 09:41:37

And people have given birth and been great mothers for years without reading books beforehand!

Flisspaps Wed 23-Jan-13 10:02:02

I don't think anyone knows what kind of mum they'll be before the baby is born. Some women think they'll be like Mary Poppins and end up like Cruella de Ville. Some women think they'll be bloody terrible and in fact are amazing. Most of us just sort of muddle through.

I remember with DD thinking that I don't feel ready to be a mum. She's nearly 3. DH and I still can't believe that they've let us bring her up unsupervised (and now DS, 9mo) - I can't look after a sodding houseplant, but I appear to be doing OK with the children.

As for bonding with the baby - well that's different for everyone. I don't think there's any way of knowing how you'll bond with the baby before it's actually here.

Personally, I think the questions you were asked were pretty poor. They're unanswerable without a crystal ball! The fact that you are worrying shows that you care about being a good mum, and I think that's all you need to know.

I'd think about going to groups though, and I am NOT a group kind of person at all!

curryeater Wed 23-Jan-13 10:16:19

Huge hugs to you, iamwhaticallpregnant.

You are in a very fragile place emotionally - I think the HV should have spoken to you with more care. I sympathise because my HV really upset me when she visited when the baby was tiny, she went on and on about potential disasters to the extent I almost asked her to take the baby away* as I felt that the clear implication was that I was almost certainly going to do something wrong with catastrophic results. When she left after HOURS of going on and on about [will not say, as it is pointlessly upsetting] I just collapsed and cried. (The next day with a clearer head, I phoned her supervisor and said she was a menace to new mothers at risk of pnd)

Just to reassure you on a few points: firstly, it doesn't matter what you eat, and well done on getting the heartburn sorted and having a few good meals. Have some more. Enjoy them, and keep your strength up.
Secondly, you will be a great mother. Tiny new babies need very very little, and nothing very complicated. It can be hard because it is full on, but you will know what to do and you will do it. The baby will need to feed, will need to be kept warm and clean, and will need to be cuddled and sung to. That is it. Later the baby will grow into needing more things, and you will learn to do them, but right now, that is all, and you are ready. You are ready, I promise you. "Bonding" comes out of all that. There is no separate artificial thing of "bonding". Bonding happens because you will spend an incredible amount of time with your baby giving him or her everything (s)he needs, and you will love each other, and that is all.

*not really, but it almost felt that she was hoping I would!

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 10:38:44

Thank you - I just cant stop crying and feel so hopeless. I feel guilty for not reading things or joining groups or not trying harder to get out and socialise. i feel guilty that i don't have a birth plan or a clear set out mission plan of what type of parents we will be. I can't talk to my partner anymore about all of this because all he has had for ages is me crying and I think he is at the end of his rope. I don't want to go to my GP - i couldn't stand talking about this again to another stranger. It just makes me feel worse about myself. What I really really want is to go to sleep and someone to wake me up when the baby is ready to come out.

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 10:53:14

Look, you don't need a birth plan. You have No idea what the birth will be like so to plan for it seems a bit silly. I didn't have one for either of mine and both births were totally straightforward, no pain relief. So don't worry about that.
However, I do think you should go online and check out pain relief options so if or when they are offered you can make an informed choice. check the hospital out and their policy on active births...is there a pool available? Would you like that?
You could phone and ask for a tour of the labour suite if you haven't had one already.
I feel very strongly that's as a pg or labouring woman you are at your most vulnerable and anything you can do to calm yourself and educate yourself will mean you feel less vulnerable and more empowered.
After having both my dc, I felt like I could do anything!

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 23-Jan-13 10:53:59

Please, please don't feel guilty about any of those things. Like I said before, I never read a book, went to a class or group before having dc1 and he's turned out really well, and has survived 8 whole years with us as parents.

Also think the questions you were asked were poor. Nobody knows what kind of mum they will be. And the ones who've being doing it for a bit often have the odd eye opener that makes them reevaluate what they've been doing so far.

What are you doing today? Keep posting and let us know how you are doing smile

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 10:55:58

...and as for what sort of mother you will be!?....what a stupid question!
You will be what all of us are, op, the best mother we can be x

wigglesrock Wed 23-Jan-13 10:56:26

The way you are feeling is perfectly ok, I felt so tired with the whole thing in the last few weeks of pregnancy.

You are knackered, sore, apprehensive - you're allowed to cry.

I never joined any groups pre-baby and I didn't go to any groups after I had my babies with my first two daughters (I go to a baby/toddler group now with dd3) but I had family support. None of my friends had babies when I had dd1 so I didn't have any idea of what to do but as other posters have said its a baby - feed, keep safe and do your best for your son/daughter. All the other feelings/bonding etc will come.

I'm not saying you have to have a birth plan - I never did grin But maybe if you feel you have some control it might reassure you that you can do this - which you can grin You don't have to talk to a stranger, you don't have to talk to anyone but maybe by writing a few things down or asking a few questions anonymously on MN you might feel like its all a bit more real.

Being pregnant and actually having/being in charge of a baby is such a huge/life changing thing that it can be quite hard to believe its actually happening - I remember thinking "seriously I can't even feckin' drive and I'm in charge here?"

curryeater Wed 23-Jan-13 11:09:06

"What I really really want is to go to sleep and someone to wake me up when the baby is ready to come out."

Well why not have a nap right now?

If you want to start researching birth, baby groups, etc, you can do this, you obviously have an internet connection, mn itself has all the basic information on the "birth" pages (http://www.mumsnet.com/pregnancy/labour-and-birth).
You can also look up your maternity unit at your hospital and arrange a visit which might be reassuring for when the time comes.

If you want to say the general area where you live, someone might have the info on local stuff to hand and could just share it - or it is all easy to find out online.

But right now, if you want to go to sleep, do. It's cold. Have a hot drink and put your bedsocks on and go to bed. There is nothing you need to do right now other than look after yourself.
When you wake up think about the rest.
It will all be fine, honestly. Take it easy on yourself.

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 11:14:01

Wiggles - I can't drive either. With the Qs I just couldnt answer and she could clearly see that it was the FIRST time I was thinking about it and I felt like I looked like a 12 year old girl who has 'just decided' to have a baby for fun without any pre-thought.
Jilted - I can't do much today as I feel so shattered. I am lying in bed trying to muster the strength to do the washing up so that my partner won't have to do it when he gets home from work. I think that might be all I will be able to do today - if that.
I have a really bad pain in my lower back like a period pain.

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 11:18:20

Hmmmm...feeling weepy and hormonal and lower back pain you say?
I have a feeling this baby it be here sooner than you think!
smile smile smile
Take care of yourself, have a hot bath, sit and relax.
Check out the birth pages on MN x

BiscuitMillionaire Wed 23-Jan-13 11:33:49

Listen, Miranda Hart fan, it doesn't matter one iota what rubbish you ate in the last week, or if you've thought about 'what kind of mother' you're going to be. How can anyone possibly know in advance 'how' they're going to bond with their baby? It's not something you plan, it just happens. In fact those women who plan it all out down to the last detail can have a difficult time when it doesn't go to plan.

Have a little something of whatever you fancy to eat, a cup of tea or hot chocolate, and relax in bed or in front of the telly. If you have the energy to try a bit of moving on all fours or leaning forwards over the arm of a sofa or something, that might help the baby get in a good position to be born.

You'll be fine.

wigglesrock Wed 23-Jan-13 11:34:31

Badvoc said what I was thinking grin

Having a baby is a piece of piss (no pun intended) compared to learning to drive, although I was so baaaaaad at learning to drive. Although I got there!!!

Why don't you have a nosy at the antenal Mumsnet threads for around when you're due? You don't have to be with the thread from the start - you can rock up at any time even postnatally. Lots of women did on my antenatal/ postnatal group and its been an absolute lifeline. I've even met some of them grin

What's your due date? Dd3 was born on 15th Feb, she'll be 2 this year shock

Emsyboo Wed 23-Jan-13 11:43:20

Bless you, I agree with a lot of what has been said- HVs and all health professionals are still people you can get good ones and ones that just don't get you and can rub you up the wrong way - especially when hormonal!
She probably thought she was helping but the delivery was obviously wrong for you - in between the standard questions they have to ask.
Remember they see a lot of people and have to cover things like DV, a HV asked me how I was doing after birth and I said 'oh you know I have good and bad days - highs and lows so to speak' and she thought I was on drugs getting high every other day!
When the baby arrives you can always go to baby groups, go to post natal classes etc and meet other mums it will be good for you, you don't have to do everything all at once and babies are great at breaking the ice when you aren't feeling comfortable. Meeting up before the babies are born can sometimes be uncomfortable as you don't know people well enough to start talking about constipation and pregnancy ailments and if you are not a confident person it can be daunting, if you can meet people then try but don't beat yourself up about it many of my ante natal group never meet up but post natal are much better friends.
As for your diet - I normally eat very healthily but this pregnancy am craving biscuits and cakes and can't stand the smell of chicken or meat I hate to think what people would say about me but baby is growing and I don't have gestational diabetes (touch wood) so I am doing what works for me at this moment in time.
You will be a great mum I am sure big hugs x x

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 14:07:29

Thanks for all your messages x

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 23-Jan-13 14:38:44

Back pain? Feeling emotional? Agree this baby might be here sooner than you think. Hope you've got your bags packed smile?

Don't worry about the washing up, have a bath, if you can, get a snack and a drink and have a sleep. Xx

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 15:22:04

i wish! i would do anything for him to arrive soon. I managed to tidy up and have eaten a massive bowl of fruit with fruit juice to try and counteract the terrible food i have been eating recently - told my mum who wasnt entirely helpful as she is worried that the HV will have written bad notes about me and I should be more careful
what i say.... dear oh dear.

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 15:28:31

I am also going to do an internet shop and surround myself with fruit, vegetables and grains - so maybe she has done me some good. If you take away the crippling depression.

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 23-Jan-13 15:37:59

Oh sweetie it really doesn't matter that you have been eating crap. My DS was made from tea, crime eggs, chips and toast. Barely ate anything else in 9 months and he is fine.

Sorry your mum hasn't been more helpful too. Really don't think the HV will be overly concerned. You can always send her away next time, you don't have to see them if you don't want too. HVs that is not mums grin.

Sounds like you've done loads today, so give yourself a brew and have a sit down smile

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 23-Jan-13 15:39:05

I ate creme eggs. Think crime eggs should be a different thread....

Chislemum Wed 23-Jan-13 15:56:19

iamwhaticallpregnant - hi there... just a bit of support from me too. Sleep and be good to yourself! You will need the energy when little one has arrived and for the labour. You sound like a very caring mum to be, so give yourself a break. {hugs}

btw weather all grey depresses me too. :-)

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 15:57:40

ha ha! well I have been eating take aways a plenty because i was just so over joyed to be able to eat again. But I am going to try and be more healthy. She also asked if I was taking pregnacare or vitimins and i said no and she looked shocked. Every minute I remember something else she asked and feel worse. My mum is afraid by the sound of me that this HV will send social services around to take my baby away - she said, try not to mention youre depressed or anxious sweetie - you have to be so careful what you say. But she also said I WILL BE THERE NEXT TIME SHE COMES!! oh dear - God help her!

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 15:59:39

Thanks to you all - I don't know what I would do sometimes without being able to come on here and get all this out. You are all so kind and don't know what your kind words mean to me.

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 16:09:21

Op...I had severe gerd in my last pg. It was awful and was so bad the acid wore away part of the valve at the bottom of my oesophagus.
So I ate whatever I fancied whenever I fancied it.
Please please stop being so hard on yourself!
I lived on cola, nectarines and chips when I was pg and ds2 is just fine smile

Emsyboo Wed 23-Jan-13 16:14:42

Oh hunni you will be fine!

I had ante natal depression and told the health visitor some terrible things (was really unwell) and they just got me help and extra care no one even considered taking DS away (well except me).

If they were really concerned they would have referred you to someone or made and immediate appointment with a supervisor or someone from another team. I was swamped with people!

Sounds like she had a few tips to improve your health I worry you are really low but trying to get some sleep will help you think clearer.

You want to know a secret? Bad mums don't worry about being a bad mum they don't care! You are so upset and worried I know you will be a great mum, you may need a bit of help you may not but I know your DC will be loved and cherished and that is all that matters.

Have a cup of tea and some cake (don't tell HV) and a nap you have been busy and your mind has been overactive. You need to rest like other people have said baby could be here sooner than you think x x

TwitchyTail Wed 23-Jan-13 16:15:31

You sound like you'll be a fantastic mother and don't let some twit pop up and tell you otherwise. We all have challenges and no family or parent is 100% perfect - all we can do is our best.

[I have been warned by several of my work colleagues about the Middle Class Health Visitor (said in tones evocative of the Grim Reaper) who will appear out of nowhere to patronise me. I though they were exaggerating but maybe not?]

For what it's worth, I'm a first time mother, have zero child experience (never even changed a nappy), have read no books and gone to no classes, and my house is kept at a nice low temperature because I'm tight fiscally and environmentally responsible. I'm confident it's all going to be fine grin

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 16:29:55

ha ha - you have both made me laugh out loud. The middle class HV/Grim Reaper is hilarious. And Emsyboo thanks. If I had some cake I would eat it. I have just ordered a shopping list Gillian McKeith would devour!
I too have NEVER changed a nappy. The shocking truth is i have never even held a baby because I have been so scared with other people's that I would drop them of hurt them in some way. The sad thing is i was so excited that she would come over and chat to me and maybe make me so excited about the baby (cause pregnancy at this stage 37 wks is soooo boring) and when she left I felt like honestly ending it all! I am convinced she was 'trying' to be nice - but God it was so soul destroying.

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 16:35:26

I had never changed a nappy or held a newborn before my dc were born...dint worry.
You'll get a lot of practise smile

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 16:47:40

ouch - i have cramps and cant tell if it is a bad stomach coming on or labour. urgh.

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 17:53:39

Hmmm...I had what I thought was sciatica with my first.
Went to hospital as the pains got closer together and more regular and I was 6cms dilated! smile smile
Time the cramps.
If they get more painful and last linger and get closer together then....you are in labour!
smile
X

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 17:54:10

....and quite often the first sign of labour is...ahem...a it if a clearing out so to speak smile

Chislemum Wed 23-Jan-13 18:34:04

never changed a nappy before either, nor held a newborn. you will learn quickly. ds is now 5 1/2 months and hey, house needs to be coldish, better for baby actually!!

ZolaBuddleia Wed 23-Jan-13 18:34:45

Ooh! Wonder if your baby's coming!! Or is it all the fruit. grin

You sound like you have a bit more oomph OP, good for you. I had no experience of babies or children either, I winged it, that's all we can do really.

Please have the baby today, we love a birth thread! grin

Badvoc Wed 23-Jan-13 18:37:05

Oooohhhh...I have to go to a meeting at 7.30. sad
Op, if you are in labour be a love and don't get too far along til I come back?
smile
Cheers!
We love a live birth thread on MN you know smile

henrysmama2012 Wed 23-Jan-13 18:41:16

Ah poor you that is rubbish. I wouldn't have a clue what to say when I was 37 weeks pregnant, and also I was probably very hormonal at that point and would have cried v.easily!! Don't feel bad for feeling teary - she was obviously way too clumsy in her communication.

Our HV is actually not so bad, but she was always a bit obsessed with getting me to mummy and baby groups. She could never understand that I didn't fancy going. You do what you feel is right and you will do great. Keep posting on mumsnet - you are not alone! (-:

LexyMa Wed 23-Jan-13 18:43:38

good luck!!! sounds like it's happening soon, but if these cramps turn out to be a bit of a dress rehearsal don't be downhearted.

I was living in an area well away from any of our friends or family when I had DS. I felt a bit antisocial and unbothered about baby groups but went to a couple and everyone was absolutely lovely.

You hinted at feeling depressed - your mum's advice not to let on to the HV is absolutely wrong and very dangerous. Let people help you and most of all make sure your DH knows how overwhelming it feels already for you because he is going to have to be your first line of support in the middle of the night when it is all amplified by about 10 times.

hugs. you're going to be brilliant

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 18:53:07

Yes I agree Lexy - she just called and said when the HV comes again after the birth you "must pretend to be happy and jolly and fine" - worst advice ever for a depressive I think. But that's my mother for you. I feel much better tonight after a good meal and all these messages.

Labour wise - still have a dull period like pain in lower back, peeing more urgent than usual and my stomach is rock hard which MW said was braxton Hicks at last app. But nothing else. I fear the end is not near.

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Wed 23-Jan-13 19:18:18

oh poor you! i can totally relate to the mourning for friendships lost, by life changing and being pregnant and friends drifting away etc. And when you are feeling so down, it makes it even harder to go out and connect with new people :-(

its a time of upheaval and change and of new beginnings, and it can be utterly overwhelming - and thats just the stuff about YOU, let alone the fact that you're going to have a baby too!

i think that why a lot of people over prepare for it all, to try and get some sense of control over a totally new and non controllable situation. thats why I'm saying don't stress too much over not having fallen into that trap!

what i found was that everyone is in the same position, once id got up the courage to go out there and start smiling at people, i found that lots of people were equally keen to make friends and meet up. Its a really special moment in life, when friendships aren't so closed and tied down, and its ok to say, 'hey, i don't know anyone, fancy meeting up?' without seeming like a scary stalker!

i did the nct thing as i was soooo terrified of not knowing what i was doing, and spending my mat leave alone with no one going through the same thing as me. The info was nice and comforting to have, though ultimately didn't help that much (except the trying out nappies on a doll, that helped!), what did help though was finding out that all the other mums were as nervous and worried as me. I also met people by going to the cinema (the one you can bring your newborn to) - that was great cos if i was feeling shy i didn't have to talk to anyone, i could watch the film and go and not feel like i was sticking out in any way. Also in cafes and in queues and waiting rooms, and at post natal physio too! New mums seem to be on the watch out for other new mums too, so although i wouldn't dream of talking to strangers normally, the whole vibe was a bit different. Having said all that, I am not bestest friends with them all now, but i am good friends with 2 of them, and thats plenty for me!

sooo, what i am saying is that its OK to be scared and alone, but if you just manage to get up the courage to go do a 'first time mum' type of thing, then you might find it easier than you think. AND its def not too late to start. would it be less scary if you A. took someone else with you to a meet -up or B. went to something that you DO something at, so its not all about the pressure to socialise (like the cinema thing etc). Can you frog march your dh to a NCT meet up in your area (they sometimes do just 'come have a coffee' things rather than having to do a whole expensive course)? OR will you tell mums net your approximate area, then maybe we can recommend the places to go that mums go to? if all else fails, have the baby then turn up to the local 'mums' cafes/ parks etc, i found having a new born was the ultimate ice breaker!

bigkidsdidit Wed 23-Jan-13 19:27:20

I had never even SEEN a nappy being changed before DS was born. I had to change the first one, full of that sticky poo, in the hospital with the paediatrician standing behind me waiting for me to finish so she could check DS over. I made the most enormous hash of it and she had to help grin

He's ok tough, and I am smile

The most important thing is to force yourself to go to groups or coffee mornings when the baby's here, I found that a bloody lifeline. We used to cry on each other and share nappy tips grin

Hopefully you're in labour now and it won't be long... Good luck

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 19:31:16

Thanks Doublelife - she gave me some leaflets for antenatal classes near me (nearish) but it's just getting myself out of the door at the moment. it is so hard. all my confidence has been sapped away - i am a shell of my former self. i used to be the life and soul of the party. Now I find it hard to go to the local shop alone. Feel ridiculous but keep hoping once the baby is here I will feel different. It is on Tuesday - the class.

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 23-Jan-13 19:32:14

Not in labour I dont think bigkid - I wish. Although BH are painful now.

bigkidsdidit Wed 23-Jan-13 19:34:08

Well we shall see!

Not that I know, I had to be induced

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Wed 23-Jan-13 19:36:22

oh and just from your last post - am SO glad you can see your mum is giving really dumb advice! Listen to the other mums on here, who are saying that at best a HV (or GP) can really really help if you are depressed, at worst they can be fools who say the wrong thing and you can avoid avoid avoid - but its not like anyone is going to come in and take your new born because you are depressed. its ok to be depressed you know, its not your fault, and it happens to a huge amount of mums (well, people in general really).

and my last point (sorry i do write long posts!) - you cannot possibly tell if you are going to be a bad mum from not being able to answer a few random questions! as someone else has said, feeling anxious about it all is probably a good sign, it means you CARE about it, and i suspect really bad mums just wouldn't think like that.

In spite of the massive preparation i did (total overkill, slightly embarrassing now!), i would have not been able to say 'what kind of mum i'll be'... and if pushed, i think my answer would have been totally wrong! I was prepared to not feel anything for the baby when he was first born, i was in horrible pain towards the end of my pregnancy, and my relationship with H was falling apart, and I had never touched a new born, not even once, let alone held one. I thought new borns were something you just had to get through to get to the good bit when the baby started to show some personality and did more interesting things! and I also thought i would be very strict on sleep and routine... in the event i was completely wrong on all counts! i am a complete push over, all touchy feely baby led everything. and ds had so much personality from the get go, and i was totally smitten. BUT i think i'd have been ok even if id not have fallen for him, cos i was expecting not to, if you see what i mean? but my point is, i had NO IDEA, and thats ok!

wanderingalbatross Wed 23-Jan-13 19:40:24

The closest I came to a baby before DD was holding my friend's 6mo son for about 10 seconds before he started crying and I quickly handed him back. And the midwife had to do DD's first nappy change in the middle of the night as I was so clueless! But you do learn quickly smile and while newborns might cry at you, they can't move or resist so you have time to learn. Unlike toddlers who love nothing better than to run away mid nappy change giggling at you.

JiltedJohnsJulie Wed 23-Jan-13 22:38:53

Both times I've had contractions for a few hours that felt exactly like bh, the only difference was that I could time them. They then went away and labour started a few days later, so don't be too upset if it doesn't happen tonight. Both tines I was an emotional wreck the day before too, spent 2 hours crying because DH had put the washing in the wrong place last time blush.

Have you got a kindle or a kindle app? If so, I think you'd like this short story smile

How are things now? Have you tried timing your cramps?

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 08:22:44

no sorry - no kindle.
i was in agony last night. my stomach was rock hard - really rock hard - and massive and painful. And the baby was having some sort of rave in there!!
Its not as hard this morning. I told the midwife last time that they dont come and go come and go - that there is this constant hardness and she insisted it was BH?! So cant time anything :-(

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 08:26:10

jiltedjohn - read the synopsis and it sounds fab so may order it - thanks :-)

Mosman Thu 24-Jan-13 08:33:57

I think you have to go one of two ways, either ask for and accept help that's offered from MW's and HV's whatever that may be and accept that they will judge, will get it wrong and will delivery it clumsily at times or as your mother said put on a brave face, muddle through, read a lot of books and ask a lot on mumsnet too.
I did that latter and feel we came out the other end better for it, I know some mums still on AD's 6 years later due to "professioanl help"

Chislemum Thu 24-Jan-13 08:58:02

just to say hello and having my fingers crossed for a speedy and easy delivery smile take it easy in the meantime!!

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 10:18:19

ah - thanks Chislemum - no sign yet - my friend's girlfriend has just given birth and I am so jealous - GET ... HIM.... OUT!!!

SeeYouSoon Thu 24-Jan-13 12:36:32

Crikey I can't answer a lot of those questions and my DS is 2.6!!!! I have no idea what kind of mum I want to be or how I bonded with him, I just got on and did it. Just like you will smile I can totally relate to how you are feeling as I spent the last part of my pregnancy weepy and not wanting to leave the house, a lot of it is just hormones going mental. I found pushing myself to go out even if just for a walk around the block really helped though.

I would say, try not to listen to your mum too much, she doesn't sound like she is very helpful to you the way you are feeling at the moment if I'm brutally honest.

Keep asking the widsom of mn for help though, there's always someone on here who has btdt.

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 13:29:05

thanks seeyousoon - no she is not very helpful at all when it comes to depression. feeling a lot better after all these messages. So i will know where to come when I feel on the edge again! smile

Badvoc Thu 24-Jan-13 13:31:18

Oh...no baby yet?
I was sure you were in labour yesterday!
Or maybe you are in very early labour?
<clutches at straws>

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 13:34:31

no - I am afraid not. No pains or anything today - grrrr......

HeyHoHereWeGo Thu 24-Jan-13 13:45:15

Hi iam.. (love your name, Miranda fan maybe?)
Perhaps you could, whenever you are in an upbeat mode, write to your hv?

You could run it by us, and just go through quickly some of the things like that fact that you have been trying to eat of course but you've been quite ill. That you have a great deal of support from Mumsnet. That your DP was just trying to give you space but he is very interested in the baby. That you dont know what type of mother you will be, but since you are a (insert your lovely qualities here..) kind sensitive funny loyal friend, daughter and partner, you feel sure thats the type of mother you will be.
Thank her for her help and ask her to pop back anytime as you really enjoyed your chat. Tell her you are not weepy or emotional most days and it felt good to get it out.
Say you would be very interested in what local groups are on and ask her to, whenever she gets a chance, maybe send on that information about baby groups.

All the best.
(Yes I am slightly ever so slightly paranoid. But especially if you are young, or have ever been involved with social services or police before, then I really would do the above^^ If you are in your 30s professional, moneyed, then you dont need to...)

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 14:05:07

Hey there Heyhoherewego - I am 30 and partner is 33 and I am a lecturer and we are moderately wealthy - well, certainly not disadvantaged in any way. I like the idea of a letter - but more as it will make me feel a bit better. I have the tendency to over dramatise situations - and I am sure we didn't come across as badly as I imagined we did. I am sure she must see a lot worse. It felt a bit like an interview for a job I really wanted and I hadnt prepared and came across really stupid! I feel a lot better now a couple of days later perhaps slightly less hormonal. grin and yes - a massive Mirander fan - such fun!

HeyHoHereWeGo Thu 24-Jan-13 15:04:19

You see if she had been someone else, say a wonderfully kind mother, a close sister, another new mother, then your crying and letting it all out would be just simply normal and healthy and a great release.

I often when pregnant, seek out films that I know will make me cry, just because I need to cry - I love Juno and Bridges of Madison County for those occasions!!
So I think crying and feeling overwhelmed is par for the course!! Welcome to motherhood in all its anxiety ridden sleep deprived glory!
I think I would just send the letter
- in case she reflects on the visit and thinks she should make a referral to ss
- in case she discusses it with a senior who, having not met you, thinks she should refer you to ss
and
- because she sounds like she was kind and lovely and she could well be a goldmine of information and support for you

(and its good that your profile is that of "otherwise capable woman" as unfortunately if ones profile is "graduate of the care system" or "immature young one" then the bar for contacting ss is set very low)
When are you due by the way?
Do you know boy/girl?
I always found out in advance, I loved knowing, though I didn't tell anyone in real life.

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 15:56:18

I completely agree with you. I think i was holding in a lot and it all came flooding out when she talked to me because i just don't have any other outlets at the moment. To be honest I probably could do with quite a bit of therapy after the last year! But then it was all compounded by the questions about motherhood that I then couldn't answer and then felt utterly clueless...and anxious....and depressed....and panicked! There was nothing at all wrong with the HV - I am sure she is very good at her job. I just felt so inadequate after the meeting. yes I am sure you are right about SS - hopefully she could see that i was otherwise ok. I am due in only 19 days. Not that I am counting. It is a boy and i can not wait.

HeyHoHereWeGo Thu 24-Jan-13 16:34:24

Oh thats wonderful, a boy, I can just picture the velvety soft skin (broody much?)
You allude to a stressful year, do you have any outlet for that?
I haven't ever done it myself but lots of people get great support from starting their own thread, on relationships say. It seems to be great.
You have probably been round these parts for a while so dont need to be told that!!
But anyway, nothing so strange as waiting for the first baby!
Everyone used to say to me "Oh its such a lovely time" but I didn't think so - in pain, anxious, still feeling I had to work clean and tidy etc etc All full of fears and hormones etc
But anyway, enjoy whats left of it if you can.
Not long now..

Badvoc Thu 24-Jan-13 18:29:08

A boy!
I have 2 boys and they are amazing (biased) smile
I had some really odd dreams prior to giving birth to ds1.
Am quite embarrassed about this one, but will share so you can see we all go a bit..erm..strange in the last days of pg! smile
I woke up crying one night...properly sobbing and dh hugged me and asked what was wrong and I told him about my dream...I dreamt that I had a little girl. Wonderful. I should point it at this stage that i am not a girly type at all and I can't do anything properly "girly" in fact.
in my dream social services came and took her away be because I couldn't do plaits. sad
I know.
But I was really shaken up for days sad
So.
Be kind to yourself x

I'm due in 20 days! Also a boy. I'm sure everything will be fine, everyone worries how they will cope.

I'm under consultant care and every other week the mw asks me about dv. I'm sure you didn't come across as badly as you think. As for the food my diet is always crap during pg due to the awful hg I get all day every day

Chislemum Thu 24-Jan-13 19:12:45

agree with Badvoc - I have a boy too and I adore him! I had to grin about your dream - could have been mine. How is the OP doing?

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 24-Jan-13 20:59:58

I am alright thanks Chisle. I have been eating healthier and making an effort to wash and get dressed. And 19 days seem managable. I have calmed down a bit since visit and thanks to lovely messagesrealise its not as bad as once thought.

JiltedJohnsJulie Thu 24-Jan-13 23:28:44

Just came back to see how you were doing, scanned today's messages and thought you'd had your boy. Really thought he was on his way yesterday.

19 days isn't really that long and you've done another day already smile

iamwhaticallpregnant Sun 27-Jan-13 08:34:24

17 days ........
i am good thanks - apart from waiting waiting waiting.....

mattysmum09 Sun 27-Jan-13 10:38:48

Definitely go to local support groups like if u plan to breast feed go to bf support group I've made such good friends there and they welcome pregnant mums and then it wont feel so daunting once lil one arrives. So wish I'd gone to these with my first baby as I was isolated then and needn't have been:-( try and stay positive I'm sure u wil be a great mum just give yourself a chance!!

iamwhaticallpregnant Sun 27-Jan-13 11:51:54

thanks matty - I def will go to groups once the baby is here - I am 100% planning on breastfeeding so that's a good idea smile

Chislemum Sun 27-Jan-13 14:51:32

just checking in.... hope you are much happier smile

iamwhaticallpregnant Sun 27-Jan-13 16:29:44

I am thank you! Thanks for everything thanks

ZolaBuddleia Sun 27-Jan-13 17:53:27

That's great, OP. smile

DoubleLifeIsALifeHalved Sun 27-Jan-13 22:47:15

I'm glad you sounding alot better!

Chislemum Mon 11-Feb-13 13:51:27

just coming back to see how things are, iamwhaticallpregnant? has little one arrived?

iamwhaticallpregnant Tue 12-Feb-13 08:41:52

Hi Chisle!! It is my due date today. Im so fed up. No sign of the bugger.

sharni20 Tue 12-Feb-13 14:21:56

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

iamwhaticallpregnant Wed 13-Feb-13 16:44:32

mmm.... I wonder what Sharni said shock
1 day over due now sad

ThreeWheelsGood Wed 13-Feb-13 17:06:45

Hi OP - just read the thread, a lot of what you've said resonates with me. You'll be okay. You'll feel tired and overwhelmed after the birth too but it's different then. Don't be shy about asking for help from the midwives in hospital - I'd never held a baby or changed a nappy before either! - I asked for help every time baby needed feeding. You have a supportive partner, you're looking forward to having a baby, it's hard work but you'll do a good job! Take any support you can get post natally because why not? Lots of new mums feel unprepared, perhaps most! You'll feel less lonely when you get out and about a bit to groups too. Hope you're feeling ok today.

iamwhaticallpregnant Thu 14-Feb-13 09:42:48

Thanks threewheels - i feel ok and im very ready to tell them if they ask if i need help and mention depression as i feel i have been suffering from it through pregnancy. Id feel better if the baby would turn up. 2 days over now. Urgh.

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