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dp dislikes pregnancy.... normal? or not...

(80 Posts)
InTheNightGarden Mon 31-Dec-12 09:42:59

All he "said" he wanted was a son, now I'm 33weeks pregnant with a boy (yay) but dp hasn't come near me the wholeeee pregnancy, won't feel baby kicking, won't come in the bathroom if I'm in there (sounds stupid but he always use to sit and chat to me if I was in the bath, shower), barely mentions anything to do with the pregnancy or this son he so called always wanted and looks at me oddly sad

Finally cracked last night and asked him what the hell was going on and I got back:

1. He hates that theres something living inside me and how do I do it!
2. I look weird ( meaning the bump... but I actually have a really small bump and people have only started noticing in the last 2 weeks)
3. He doesn't want to feel baby move as he doesn't like it.

I joked around saying maybe he should of left me for the 9 months then come back thinking he'd disagree... but he agreed :-/ .... sad he said most men would feel like this and anyone that enjoyed feeling the baby kicking was lying sad

I'm stupidly insecure anyway and now I feel a million times worse, I almost feel ashamed to be pregnant now and that I should hide my bump the best I can, I would do that but it's only going to get bigger!! Feel like total crap sad feel embarrassed to give birth with him there now too.

Is this normal for men? :-/

When it comes to pregnancy I'm not so sure there is a normal as such. He sounds a bit out of his depth and in denial about it. It doesn't mean he won't love the baby when he arrives. Has he always been a bit squeamish about female biological stuff? My DH loves pregnant bodies, but the kicking freaks him out. He'll touch my stomach and rub it, but when the baby kicks hard he snatches his hand away.

Have a serious discussion about the birth with him. If he really won't cope well he won't be the support you need, and you might be better off with a female relative or friend.

Be proud of your pregnant self though, what you are going through is an amazing process, and you look beautiful.

InTheNightGarden Mon 31-Dec-12 11:53:56

Hope your right about the "won't mean he wont love the baby" no he's not been squeamish about anything before :-/ ... his sister is actually pregnant also atm, further than me and a lot bigger than me yet when we see her he laughs around and asks if her babies healthy and kicking...but doesn't ask about his own baby :-/ just find it very odd sad

I will talk to him about the birth, I'll deffo need/want more support than I think he's going to be able to give sad

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 31-Dec-12 12:01:29

omg sorry but he sounds an immature dick

i say this because my exDH was like this when i was pg with DS. it was like he found me disgusting. it was awful. the relationship was on its last legs anyway tho tbh, but this, for me, was one of the final nails in the coffin.

but when i had a baby with a real man had DD with my "new" DH it was a different story, he loved the whole pregnancy, he would stroke my bump for hours, feel her kick, and talk to her blush he found me sexy, we still had loads of sex right up till a few days before i had her. in fact, i felt like he loved me and fancied me more if anything. because i was carrying our baby.

i think thats how it should be tbh. you need to have serious words with him, i don't think i could love someone who behaved like this while i was pg.

AmberLeaf Mon 31-Dec-12 12:05:10

I think some men feel this way so yes its 'normal' but it isnt usual to feel like that.

He sounds jealous.

alm12 Mon 31-Dec-12 12:07:44

I think everyone has different reactions to pregnancies when it's strangers compared to someone they're closer to... My boyfriend loves me being pregnant but my mom, brother etc all find it really weird, hate it when the baby kicks and now I'm further along of you can see the baby moving they can even go as far as leaving the room. Yet it hasnt bothered them with other people they know who have been pregnant.
You should speak to him about it though I'd hate it if my boyfriend acted like that too, maybe if you talk about the baby whenever there's movement he'll slowly get used to the idea? Definitely don't feel embarrassed, ashamed or hide your bump! Enjoy it while you're pregnant!

fraktion Mon 31-Dec-12 12:08:00

DH didn't really like the whole 'baby inside me thing' but neither did I. It didn't affect how he bonded with DS because once DS arrived it as totally different.

However he is acting a bit weird if he's treating your SIL differently.

AmberLeaf Mon 31-Dec-12 12:10:29

Oh, just seen the bit about his sister.

So it isnt about pregnancy in general, its your pregnancy.

MoomieAndFreddie Mon 31-Dec-12 12:38:41

another thing i have thought of, how old is your DP? is he quite young? i would imagine young lads (like, under 21 ish) would be "grossed out" hmm by pregnancy?

Ephiny Mon 31-Dec-12 12:41:59

I feel the same way about pregnancy tbh, it isn't just a male thing. I try to keep my feelings to myself though.

MahnaMahna Mon 31-Dec-12 12:47:05

I thought DH would love me being pregnant. All he had talked about when we were TTC was how he was going to read to my bump, and play it music and feel every kick.

Then I got pregnant. I had horrific morning sickness and couldn't get off the sofa for 3 weeks. He completely freaked out at that because he didn't know what to do. I didn't really get a bump until around 26 weeks, and when I did I had to ask him to touch it, or talk to it. Which he really didn't like doing. We rarely had sex, only doing it right near the end when we were trying to get DD to arrive.

After she was born, DH admitted to finding it all a bit wierd. He just couldn't connect with her being inside me like I could x

CalamityKate Mon 31-Dec-12 12:49:23

Is he squeamish in other areas? My DH can't watch operations on TV, feels dizzy and faint even seeing someone getting an injection and once nearly passed out when I - shock horror - took his pulse. In fact just saying " Ooh look I'm taking my pulse" is enough to give him the heebie jeebies.

Anyway this squeamishness extended to pregnancy. He couldnt bear to see or feel the baby move because it was "weird". I don't think he had a problem with the way the bump looked though (just as well as I was absolutely enormous).

doublecakeplease Mon 31-Dec-12 12:54:30

My DP didn't voice that he hated me being pg BUT he was useless, not supportive, showed no interest etc. Nearly broke us up and means that DS will be an only child because i can't face it all again with him.

When not pg he is fantastic and is a brilliant dad. This is the reason we are still together but splitting was definitely on the cards. He can't explain why he behaved the way he did - he loves me, wanted the baby desperately etc. I'll never understand and won't ever forgive him although i still love him and we're happy.

DS was prem and delivered by emcs otherwise i would not have had DP at the birth. I knew he wouldn't be able to give me the support i needed. This caused arguments pre delivery as he wanted to see his baby born. I would have stuck to my guns about it.

I'll not make excuses for him - he behaved horribly. Stress / hormones?? I don't care. He let me down. Your DP is letting you down. Wish i had some advice for you x find support elsewhere i guess x

HelenLynn Mon 31-Dec-12 13:10:49

I'm pregnant at the moment with a very obvious 26-week bump, and I've just asked DH what he thought about your partner's reaction. He grinned and said that while this business of being grossed out doesn't really affect him, he could certainly understand the point of view, because at any other time it would be "just weird" for a body to do the stuff it does when you're pregnant. He said, after a short pause for reflection, that he thinks feeling the baby kicking is "mildly gross". He's already an excellent dad to our first child and I reckon all that matters is how he is once the babies are on the outside.

I think your DP hasn't dealt with the way he feels particularly well, but I don't think there's anything wrong with the feelings as such, and at least he seems to have told you the truth about them when you asked him. I don't think it's particularly odd that he feels differently about his sister's pregnancy than about yours (after all, he has a very different relationship with your body than with anyone else's!), and I don't think it tells you anything about what kind of dad he'll be once the baby is born. To be frank, I can sympathise with where he's coming from myself; I'm not wild about pregnancy either and I can't imagine them as proper babies before they actually appear. But do think about who it would help you most to have with you during the birth, and don't waste any more energy than you can avoid feeling bad about your bump!

Swanlike Mon 31-Dec-12 13:13:20

My boyfriend loves the bump, gives me regular bump rubs and loves to feel where the baby is and the baby kicking. He likes seeing me with the bump too, which is good as it's now massive. So I don't think it's reasonable for your DP to claim that all men feel the same as him. However it is how he feels, so you need to talk to him about it and also let him know the effect of what he's said is having on you re feeling insecure and worrying about the birth and how he'll react to it.

Is he supportive of you as a pregnant woman in practical ways - does he help.more round the house, offer comfort when you are tired or had morning sickness, does he do stuff you no longer can due to pg?

Have you told him that you find it.hurtful that he shows more interest in his unborn neice or nephew than his own son?

HelenLynn Mon 31-Dec-12 13:21:39

I should add, while it's not worth a big row, agreeing with your comment about leaving for nine months is not on. You're his partner, soon to be the mother of his son, and he needs to carry on being a partner to you, no matter how your pregnancy makes him feel.

KnifetyForks Mon 31-Dec-12 16:43:30

He should be absolutely in awe of you - if you are able to do something that he can't even cope with thinking about. Being pregnant is amazing, please don't feel like you have to hide it.

If he is really struggling with it, I suppose it's best that he can be open with you about his feelings, but also he needs to understand that you're in it together and you will need support. It is a scary time for both of you; try and keep the lines of communication open so you can both talk about your hopes and fears.

I do think you need to have a proper discussion about the birth and afterwards and what your roles will be. Will you be attending ante natal classes together?

Fwiw I don't think he's behaving very nicely but to give him the benefit of the doubt, if it's because he's scared and freaked out rather than being nasty, then I think it's best to try and be loving and talk to him more about it. You need to work together. Although I'd be tempted to get upset and cross about it, that might drive you further apart than closer together.

Dogsmom Mon 31-Dec-12 16:58:28

At first I thought he was maybe a bit overwhelmed but then read that he treats his sister completely differently and now think he's being pretty out of order with you, to say you 'look weird' is thoughtless and to not enquire about his son is horrid especially as he'll ask about his nephew.

He is an adult and soon-to-be father and needs to grow up.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Mon 31-Dec-12 17:01:25

"Is he supportive of you as a pregnant woman in practical ways - does he help.more round the house, offer comfort when you are tired or had morning sickness, does he do stuff you no longer can due to pg?"

This, from GoldPlated, is key.

I identify with a lot of how your partner feels - and I've had three babies! grin

Pregnancy is kind of weird.

DH is pretty indifferent to the whole thing. Certainly no bump rubbing or talking to the bump until DD1 was big enough to find it all exciting.

But he has always looked after me really well when I'm pregnant. I never felt rejected or disgusting.

TwitchyTail Mon 31-Dec-12 18:24:52

Another vote for what GoldPlated said.

Pregnancy is weird and kind of gross. It's ok not to be wildly enthused by it. However, a caring partner would put his own feelings aside and support you in whatever way you need.

My husband loves to feel the baby kicking and admires my bump. But he is squeamish and wouldn't want to be at a natural delivery. However, if I wanted him there, he would grit his teeth and be there for me, because that's what you do for people you love.

Ivvu6 Tue 01-Jan-13 03:24:02

All men behave differently around pregnant women so I wouldn`t worry. I`m 32 weeks atm and my hubby finds my body weird and don´t wanna see me naked at all. He has even said he finds me unattractive with the bump and can`t wait to this pregnancy to be over. We haven´t had sex since my bump started to show. He does talk to the bump tho and is very helpful around the house.
I recon yours will come around too after baby is born smile x

Tinselandchocolates Tue 01-Jan-13 07:23:44

I also agree with goldplated.
It's not usual, but it's not abnormal to find the pregnant state a bit weird and unattractive. It is abnormal to say you should have left you to it for 9 months, that was an awful thing to say and does show extreme immaturity.
I'd also have a very frank chat with him about the rest of pregnancy and what he can do to make things easier for you and bond with the baby outside of having to touch it etc, like making up furniture, decorating, helping with cleaning, bringing you drinks and generally looking after you. Doesn't involve looking at you naked.
Also, I'd ask if he wants to be there for the birth and what he thinks his role is. If its not entirely to support you, then I would choose a different partner. The other thing is breastfeeding, if you're thinking about trying, because you need to know he's on board with that, you can't have someone looking disgusted every time you breast feed, it's hard enough anyway getting started.
Sorry you're going through this. Hope he can face some of his fears and be a help to you. Maybe if he has a male friend with kids he could talk to them about it? Good luck.

Mosman Tue 01-Jan-13 07:34:03

I've always said better out than in when it comes to babies.
I don't think men generally have a fecking clue when it comes to growing an entire person within you, of course it feels odd to them, but how do they think we feel.
Honestly the sooner technology moves on and we can grow bubs in an incubator and visit it at weekends the better if you ask me.
I would get somebody else to come along for the birth though in case he is useless.

CailinDana Tue 01-Jan-13 11:12:01

I think it's ok not to like pregnancy, I'm not overly keen myself (and I'm 32 weeks with No.2!) but the way your partner has dealt with it is really really immature, especially the way he agreed with you about leaving for 9 months. Saying you "look weird" is also really nasty - he may feel that way but any sane person knows that saying that will be hurtful and so it's best not to say it! He doesn't have to be over the moon about it, but at the very least he could try to be supportive - it's not like you can just decide not to look pregnant any more, is it? How is he in other ways? Is this unusual behaviour for him?

I know my DH finds it all a bit weird but he still thinks I'm attractive and is keen to touch the bump, have sex etc.

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 11:17:41

Thank you so much for all the responses and advice,

To answer as many questions as possible... he's 26, so I stupidly assumed immaturity was out the window by now but obviously not! Tbh he's always been good around the house so there's not Much extra he could do to help around the house. I have spoke to him about the birth, I said I would freak out if he were to freak out therefore if he thought he wouldnt be much help I'd need a family member for support instead... he's really not happy about this and seems to want to be there... but his words are usually worthless when it comes down to it so although he has said this I'm pretty sure he won't be supportive and I've asked my dm to come with me....other than that he won't talk about it. He has a lot of friends with young children but he's not very open with them so I doubt he would of spoken to them about anything! We went to his parents house last night and they asked him lots of questions about the pregnancy, baby names etc... and he "acted" like he was really into it and loving it.... truth is we havnt even discussed names!!! :-/

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 11:27:12

I think some of the responses here are really sad and depressing, not at all representative of men on the whole.

CailinDana Tue 01-Jan-13 11:28:25

Have you tried discussing names with him? What was his response?

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 11:50:09

amberleaf you say he sounds jealous, what of though :-/ ?

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 11:53:33

Yes I've suggested a few names and all I get is a grunt and "well youll end up choosing it anyway" ... which isn't the case, he has only 1 name he likes which he told me about a year and a half ago but it's absolutely awful! His only name choice is "tyson" ... I hate it! But that convo happened long before I was ever even pregnant.

CailinDana Tue 01-Jan-13 11:55:21

Some men get jealous of the baby, if you can believe it. They feel hard done by that you're no longer "theirs" and that you've changed are about to become a mother. That sort of jealousy is really dangerous - it tends to get a lot worse when the baby arrives and can turn nasty. That's not to say that's what's happening with your DP - but I think it might be time to sit him down and have a serious chat about him sorting his head out.

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 12:04:42

Jealous of the shift in 'ownership' of your body, from his to the babies.

That may or may not be the case with your DP.

As CailinDana says it is really dangerous.

brandnewbubble Tue 01-Jan-13 12:19:53

Sorry, but your DP sounds like an arse, and I think it goes way deeper than being a bit wierded out about the physical aspects of pregnancy (that IS perfectly normal). He's withdrawing from you, undermining your confidence in yourself at a time when you need most support, and has more or less told you he finds you physically repugnant.

Everything CailinDana said is true. And in your case I'd be hyperaware of his behaviour.

It is not normal for most men. Most men are not hopeless arses.

I hope you've got lots of support from others?? And yes, get your DM lined up for the birth!!

Jsa1980 Tue 01-Jan-13 14:56:13

Could he just be really scared and worried something is going to happen to you or the baby and therefore is trying (and succeeding) in distancing himself from you both?

Hormonalhell Tue 01-Jan-13 16:12:18

My DP is like this but the baby is not his (met him when I was 5 months pg) so I just put it down to this, although he is a little squeamish too

Ficidy Tue 01-Jan-13 17:30:18

26 is actually very young for a man to become a father for the first time, so yes, it could still be a case of immaturity.

To be honest, I wouldn't be impressed with his behaviour at all. Tell him to grow up. It took two of you to make this baby and now you both need to be responsible for him. You need to sit down with him and talk to him properly about this.

It could be but dont let his age become a excuse for his behaviour. My dh was 26 when our dd was born and has been spot on through the pg and since. Better than a LOT of what I read of other dads on here of all ages.

BacardiNCoke Tue 01-Jan-13 18:03:48

If he's 26 then he really does just need to grow up and realise that you need support it's not all about him! Age has nothing to do with it, DH was 17 when his ex got pregnant with DSD. He was nothing but supportive and loving. As well as being supportive and loving through my pregnancies as well. This would be a massive red flag for me.

angeltattoo Tue 01-Jan-13 18:47:18

Sorry, i disagree with and am surprised by some of the responses.

I think his behaviour is really unusual and not at all normal.

My DH makes me feel fantastic, cannot do enough to help, loves me and the bump, talks to the baby, cannot wait to meet his daughter...regardless of how squeamish etc someone is, This is the reaction I would expect from any mature expectant father.

...sorry OP, but given that he is different with his sister, this sounds personal, and he doesn't sound happy about you being pregnant. As others have said, there could be many reasons. Start of abusive behaviour? In denial? You know him best. But he shouldn't be making you feel the way he has, it is so, so wrong.

Perhaps posting in relationships too may help?

doublecakeplease Tue 01-Jan-13 18:57:07

I'm with you Angel, not normal and so very, very hurtful. Not sure what she can actually do though??

ChristmasKnackers Tue 01-Jan-13 19:01:00

I disagree angeltattoo. Just because your partner does it, doesn't make it normal. My husband got freaked out when the baby kicked. Also one of my best friends did, she says its just gross to think of something growing inside you!

People get squeamish with all kinds of rational and irrational things. Looking at some of these responses, it's certainly doesn't seem unusual.

angeltattoo Tue 01-Jan-13 19:02:20

I know, I don't have much useful advice, which is why I thought the relationship board might help?

How did you respond to what he said OP? Can you talk to him about it further?

thanks

doublecakeplease Tue 01-Jan-13 19:07:36

Christmas - squeamish and hurtful are different though. What if she is squeamish too? Unfortunately op has to deal with it - he should too. I wish i had maybe spoken to DP's brother or my midwife when DP was uncaring when i was pg. Might have made a difference if someone independent was involved. Is that an option op?

ChristmasKnackers Tue 01-Jan-13 19:24:56

Yes, sorry you are right. Hurtful is very different.

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:25:43

Thanks for more responses, really appreciate everyone's input smile

I don't think it's too much to do with any squeamish issue, he won't watch things like embarrassing bodies but other than that he's not particularly squeamish, I think what's effecting me more is his attitude towards me and my body, he went to hug me this afternoon and said "this is strange, I havnt had a fat girlfriend before" ... thats pretty much done it for me today, I did snap and explained its NOT fat its OUR child. We havnt really spoken since... tbh if I knew he was going to act like this I wouldn't have planned a pregnancy with him. I think his issue is with me being pregnant, not necessarily pregnancy as a whole.... which hurts even more actually. I do have support with family, I've spoken to dm about this today and she thinks he just may not be attracted to me while pregnant and see how things go after the birth of this baby, he is really good with our friends young children and babies.

I havnt mentioned this to my mw no, only because he comes to all my appointments and makes out all is dandy... I think she'd be shocked! Its awkward when people ask me questions about any of it when he's there as everything they ask we havnt even spoken about :-/

I'm really REALLY hoping you guys are wrong with the jealousy theory sad

AmberLeaf Tue 01-Jan-13 20:31:30

I really hope Im wrong re jealousy too.

I honestly do.

Hopefully it is just a blip, but in the meantime, make sure you have lots of other support lined up, it is good that you have your Mum.

Good luck and best wishes OP smile

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:32:32

I should also add, looking back the majority of this has occurred since I've started showing, I had a bit of sickness at the start and he'd come straight home from work if I rang him feeling rubbish and sick and hold my hair back, he used to be interested...I think :-/

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:33:40

Thank you amberleaf! Me too!!

He sounds like a complete toddler.

He SHOULD be happy and excited.
He SHOULD give a shit about your physical and emotional wellbeing.

Was this baby planned? He seems very sullen and regretful tbh.

*tosser, not toddler! But toddler will do.

pinksquidge Tue 01-Jan-13 20:39:13

OP

he actually said * I havnt had a fat girlfriend before* ????

shock

I AM SO SAD AND ANGRY FOR YOU FOR THIS COMMENT angry

seriously!! what an insenstive, thoughtless, immature wanker

i notice you say you havent told your MW about his attitude? I think you need to.

(btw have already posted on this thread but have NC and cba to nc back)

AuntieMaggie Tue 01-Jan-13 20:40:14

I know two women who feel like this one who has decided not to have children because of it and another who has struggled to get a doctor to take her seriously as she wants children

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:41:32

Yes this baby was planned believe it or not! Reading this you wouldn't have thought so sad

I havnt even thought of maybe he now regrets it... again I hope not! I will ask though, when the times right.

pinksquidge Tue 01-Jan-13 20:45:56

so are you going to tell your MW about this OP? and how bad its making you feel? have you told your mum / friends? what do they think?

i would also maybe post this in relationships.

oh my god if you were my DD / sister / best friend i would be fuming with this twat your dp

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:48:09

pinksquidge he is all the things you just said for that comment... especially knowing how I feel about my own changing body atm, I've made that pretty clear, but he seems to think it's a joke...I would usually take it as a joke but not how I already feel atm.

Tinselandchocolates Tue 01-Jan-13 20:49:47

I think you should sit him down for an honest "this is how you're making me feel, can you sort it out or leave" type chat. If he understands he's making you feel insecure and ashamed of your bump and doesn't care then he's a total arse. Tell him what you think is unacceptable behaviour. You shouldn't need to but obv you do.
And maybe when you're at the mw or even around friends and family, maybe you should be a bit more honest. If he's blagging about names etc just say, that's funny, because you've refused to discuss it with me yet.... Stop covering for him and make him face the music.

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 20:51:44

I can't tell mw as he comes to all my appointments :-/ ... I havnt told my dm about his hurtful comments as I want them to get on and my friends already don't like him so it would add more fuel to the fire, if you know what I mean, I'm meeting up with my best friend tomoz and we chat about everything so this will get spoken about then... but I already know the response I'll get from her!

Tinselandchocolates Tue 01-Jan-13 20:57:09

Always says quite a lot if your friends don't like your boyfriend.
I'd still tell your mw. Warn your boyfriend what you're going to say (roughly) and then just talk. Or tell him your next appt is women only (there are some he can't go to) and go alone. Weird really that he's going to all he appointments if he hates it all so much.

Mayanbob Tue 01-Jan-13 21:02:29

Hi, I hope things improve inTheNightGarden I really do. Have spent a while deciding whether to post or not. I am not at all saying that what I'm going to say next is the case, but have decided I do need to say it.

Picking up from what Amberleaf has said, I work with both victims and perpetrators of domestic abuse, and pregnancy/ after birth is one of the riskiest times. No matter how much a partner is looking forward to a child, when it actually becomes a reality that can bring some mixed emotions. From the moment a woman gets her BFP, that becomes her priority, that baby comes first. Before pregnancy your number one is your partner but that is taken away when you conceive. Some partners can love children and be brilliant in front of the world, but behind closed doors become something very different. I am not saying that is the case here but please please make sure you keep an eye out and tell your midwife and make sure you have plenty of support from not only your family but people not connected to him. Arrange to attend an appointment on your own and keep talking on here.

Sorry if over the mark and for epic post. Best Wishes xxx

doublecakeplease Tue 01-Jan-13 21:07:59

I vote for telling mw anyway. Don't cover up his behaviour - you have nothing to be ashamed of. I did this after months of lying to mutual friends (we met in a very sociable work place so lots of mutual friends) about DP being excited.

Friends would say 'i bet MrDouble is so excited' 'i bet MrDouble is looking after you' etc. At first i would say 'he can't wait' etc but realised he was being a prick so started being honest and saying 'i don't know whether he's excited, he never talks about the baby. No, he's not looking after me at all' friends were amazed as his behaviour was so out of character but i refused to cover it up.

Letting your mw think everything is ok is normalising his behaviour. Ask mw infront of him if his behaviour is normal or common.

It seems totally at odds that he wpuld come to every MW appointment yet feel like he seems to. This may be totally off track, but what is he like with other stuff you do, do you have your own hobbies or interests or regular time out with friends?

I know of hardly anyone whos body went back to how it was before the were pg, so he really needs to get his head sorted re: calling you fat or talking about how your body has changed.

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 22:06:46

mayenbob have totally taken on board what you've said and believe me I wouldn't stand for much more than I am already. For me, emotional abuse out ways anything physical, if it were to turn into anything like that I'd be on it straight away.

There's a lot on here that I'd like to bring up with him as I havnt even considered a lot of it however he's not at home tonight! He's staying at his lovely pregnant sisters house! ( to be fair, so I don't have to get up early in the morn and take him to work)

I won't lie to him and say he can't come to mw appointments, I'll tell him straight that I will speak to her. It's not fair him making everything seem rosy on the outside but it actually being a different story at home :-/

Although he has come to every mw appointment and consultant appointment (had a few problems with possible prem birth) he did say last night that he felt the appointments were a waste of time as all they're doing now is checking I've not dilated and listening to his heart beat, I told him if thats how he felt he didn't Jane to come to every one, so will be interesting to see if attends the next appointment with me!

InTheNightGarden Tue 01-Jan-13 22:09:11

* Jane? Ment have! Typooo!

katiecubs Wed 02-Jan-13 09:43:17

Sorry you are having to go through this OP. I think your partner may need some professional advice to help him deal with the issues he has.

Why don't your friends like him though? This is worrying in itself.

strumpetpumpkin Wed 02-Jan-13 10:03:23

its as normal as any irrational phobia/dislike.
yknow like being emetophobic or being grossed out by other things. it sounds horrid for you though
i dont have any advice, id find it very hard to get past

I agree with Strumpetpumpkin, when my friends have been pregnant and said 'oo, the baby is moving, come feel' I've always said no, because quite frankly, it grosses me out.

It's a bit different I guess, it's not my baby, but I imagine if i ever decide to have a baby, it will still gross me out. Not everyone likes pregnancy. But he should still be supporting you, and not saying such nasty things.

CailinDana Wed 02-Jan-13 10:29:48

Why don't your friends like him?

InTheNightGarden Wed 02-Jan-13 11:10:45

I understand what your saying about being phoebic about it but I suppose if i put myself in his shoes I'd still never make someone feel how he makes me feel about it...if that makes sense... especially as there's nothing I can do about it for another 7 weeks!

I'm young myself (21) and the majority of my friends are around the same age, none of them have relationships as such, they do sleep around and go out partying pretty much every weekend without fail... this isn't and has never been my style, didn't have the easiest of up bringings and filled in for my mother when my younger sibling was born, so I guess I grew up quickly tbh. My friends don't like him as he's older (although I dont feel 5 years is much at all) and wanted a family, also he speaks his mind about their behaviour to them and that never goes down well!

Natara Wed 02-Jan-13 11:47:09

I just wanted to take a moment to say I'm really sorry you found yourself in that position. Pregnancy is weird enough with all the changes going on in your body, I don't know if I'd cope if my DH wasn't there telling me I was ok! Part of me feels really sorry for him too? He must be struggling with his emotions? Unless he's incredibly insensitive! But part of me wants to give him a little clip around the ear and tell him to buck up! No matter how he's feeling, he should be supporting you as you go through this pregnancy! To say he contemplated leaving is horrible. And just for the record, hubby loves baby moving (he thinks it's miraculous)

treesindoors Wed 02-Jan-13 20:48:53

About your friends: Go on a bit more about how he 'speaks his mind about their behaviour'. It's just that, in some cases, that could be an abuser trying to distance you from your friends. Not that that's necessarily what's going on here at all.

You also haven't answered my question upthread This may be totally off track, but what is he like with other stuff you do, do you have your own hobbies or interests or regular time out with friends?

TwitchyTail Wed 02-Jan-13 22:47:37

He can't help how he feels but he can jolly well help how he acts and what he says. He is being very selfish.

I'm shocked by his comments. A parallel would be a man whose wife was having chemotherapy telling her he was grossed out by her and had never had a bald girlfriend before.

SleighbellsRingInYourLife Wed 02-Jan-13 23:39:17

"this is strange, I havnt had a fat girlfriend before"

Eugh... is that how he speaks to you?

Natara Thu 03-Jan-13 09:45:27

Have you thought about showing him what we've said?? Or maybe writing down some of the comments and telling him straight what is actually expected by 99% of us? In your first post you mentioned that he said "any man who says he likes it is lying"... Sounds like he's pretty confident that his behaviour is "normal" in the situation??! Perhaps if he realised that although we all understand/accept his feelings, we almost unanimously find his behaviour/comments unacceptable he may realise he has to buck up??? How horrible for you. If my hubby even mentioned the F word I'd probably die. As it is, I occasionally (in a moment of weakness) ask him "do I look fat in this?" to which he kindly and gently replies "no honey, you look pregnant and you look beautiful" prrrrr. If he answered honestly and said yes... I'd probably simultaneously burst into tears and smack him!

InTheNightGarden Thu 03-Jan-13 11:14:54

Sorry goldplated - we do most things together but it's never a problem if I want to go out with friends for the day, he can get funny if I go out with them for an evening because of their behaviour and seems to think i can be easily persuaded by friends... which I don't feel I am. This came up as we had a "girls only" night to cardiff for my 21st, which was totally s**t anyway! I don't really have any hobbies tbh and he pretends to be interested in my interests.

sleighbells no not usually, he's quite a fitness freak so would tell me if I was out of shape abit, I just assumed being pregnant that was an excuse to be out of shape :-/ I havnt put weight on anywhere else really, just a lil bit on my face, and obves the bump!!

natara I have written a lot of this down in a massive essay on my phone that I havnt managed to click the send button of yet! I doubt I'll show him this convo unless he asks to see it, he doesn't like mumsnet very much Haha! (I think because I go through spells of being on here a lot to not at all for ages) smile

pinksquidge Thu 03-Jan-13 16:36:45

i bet you look lovely inthenight you are 21, young, slim and pregnant. I bet you look absolutely amazing. his attitude makes me sad, as i have said.

i think you should show him this conversation tbh. for all the reasons natara said.

have some unmumsnetty ((((((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))))

InTheNightGarden Fri 04-Jan-13 17:44:59

thank you pink

really REALLY annoyed today... we went out this morning, went into a shop that happened to have a few baby bits in, dp seemed to get a lil excited (I was thinking yay finally)... but no! not excited about our baby, just his sisters baby... have I missed the point or something.... I'm pretty sure he didn't help make his sisters baby!!! god dam it I want to kick him in the **!!! soo feel like telling him to just go awayyyyyyy!

InTheNightGarden Fri 04-Jan-13 17:48:13

I should also add, anything we've I've brought the baby he hasn't been there notre given a dam and any other time I've said we really ort to get on and order this/that...he also given a dam and we still havnt ordered any of the necessary basic things for him and we've ... no wait, I'VE only got 6 weeks now!!

mumagain38 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:41:24

I was just about to say how refreshing that this thread was so supportive.. but u all ways get one! Your dp is not a dick he is just not dealing with it very well. To be honest the first time i felt baby move it felt like a fish and weirded me out. Its only recently when men have become more invoved in pregnancys and been present. Ask ur mum or a good friend to be a birthing partner, when i had my first my exdp didnt give a shit about feeling baby move,scans ect and was late when i was in labour but when i had her was utterly in love with her. It is a shitty time to feel not nice and upset and if i was there i would poke him with a sharp stick but dont fall out with him, speak to him about how ur feeling. Men are completly from another planet! good look lovey xxx

mumagain38 Fri 04-Jan-13 19:52:10

get on with getting the baby stuff yourself and just say in need cash for this..that..I know i bore my DP to tears with things i want for our babba and he didnt come to my last scan because of work and i was really upset when every one was sat in couples :O( and dont forget ur hormones will be going loopy right now x

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