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Honestly am I being unreasonable ?

(35 Posts)
TTCmay Fri 28-Dec-12 13:37:55

Partner's brother is getting married in NZ next year. I will be 32 weeks.

Partner now decided he is almost certainly going. For 2 weeks. I cannot believe he is even considering it. I am anti this as:
- anything could happen ie baby arrive (unlikely, but why risk it?!)
- I could have complications, eg admitted to hospital, bed rest etc, and have 6 yo at home to think of, with no family nearby.
- generally I need his support and assistance.

Separately, we cannot afford this. We have made a concerted effort to become debt free (almost there!) and this will plunge us backwards. He said separately that he is worried about our finances when I am on maternity leave- being £3k less well off/in debt will not help at all.

We plan to get married late next year- if he goes, we definitely won't have the money. So him going to this wedding will delay ours by at least a year. Also I very much doubt his brother will come to ours....

Going myself is not an option- I have a child in school (it will be term time) and also I don't want to travel 30 hours when so big! That's before considering money side.

I can see this becoming a massive issue. Please tell me if I am being unreasonable. If he is being unreasonable, please help me show him this (he very much doesn't like being told what to do, so he needs to figure out for himself. Me saying I need him doesn't sink in)

SuperSesame Fri 28-Dec-12 13:46:09

I'd lay all of this out to him and let him make a decision.
I think at 32 weeks you will all liklihood be fine for about a week with you 6 year old.
I think YABU to not "let" him go to his own brothers wedding.
Cost aside I don't see any real issue. With costs delaying your wedding by a year, is that really a big deal? You'll feel better about your body and have more money a year after anyway

brainonastick Fri 28-Dec-12 13:49:16

I think yabu to have a problem with it due to you being 7 months pregnant, as it's his brother, and 7 months isn't too badassuming a straightforward (ha!) pregnancy - if it were 8 months then I'd agree with you.

Yadnbu to have a problem with it for all the financial reasons you mention (although I don't see why it as to cost £3k, but even so, it sounds like you simply can't afford it). You need to be able to agree on finances before you can agree to marry someone. If your dp can't manage money I would be very wary of marrying him.

TinkyPeet Fri 28-Dec-12 13:51:33

Tbh, the first part of that is very selfish! A long as you have no other issues, there will be nothing happening at 32 weeks! That's basically telling him he can't do anything or go anywhere for 9 months 'just in case', is there any reason to believe you would labour at 32 weeks? It's his brothers wedding.......
You're not being unreasonable about the money, if you can't afford it then you can't afford it, but again, it's his brother wedding......
I think you need I sit down with him and sort out what you both feel and make a decision from there, turn it the other way round, what if. It was your brother/sister. Would you expect him to be supportive?
Sorry if that sounds harsh. I hope you can fid a solution x

Yama Fri 28-Dec-12 13:53:10

Personally I would have hated dh to go away for 2 weeks while I was 32 weeks pregnant and with a 6 year old to parent.

The fact that the brother will not attend your wedding means that your dp presumably does not have family pressure to go. He is going because he wants to.

I would move heaven and earth to go to my siblings wedding but if it caused my partner distress I don't think I could.

I'm going round in circles. I can see both sides, I really can.

If he does go, do not allow him to put pressure on you whilst on maternity leave.

YDdraigGoch Fri 28-Dec-12 14:02:27

I think you could safely take a 6year old out of school for a couple of weeks with no long term consequences if you really wanted to go to NZ with your DP.
£3k is surely enough for all three of you to fly over and stay in a modest hotel for a week or so.
Appreciate that you might not want to fly at 32 weeks, but GP would probably certify you ok to fly if no other issues, and NZ isn't a third world country - they have a health service.
The timing isnt great, but I think YABU to not "allow" DP to go to a siblings wedding - how would you feel if the boot were on the other foot?

If you decide to stay at home, then you should be perfectly fine at 32 weeks. Tired maybe, but fine.

TTCmay Fri 28-Dec-12 14:03:21

Thanks all, there are good points made for both sides.

We do need to sit down to look at money again. And as the last poster mentioned, I am worried that after a few months off it will financially be so difficult that I will have to go back to work early- I'm already only taking 9 months off.

Selfishly I guess I don't want to give up time with my newborn so he can go off to wedding/on holiday (which it will be- it's a holiday with a friend around the wedding, which is the part I anticipate will make it expensive).

I think it sounds as though you are being a little unreasonable and you should manage a 6 yr old whilst being 32 weeks pregnant. If it were me I'd be inclined to go, have fun & let my 6 year old experience a lovely family wedding in NZ.

Unicorn007 Fri 28-Dec-12 21:42:20

If it were me I'd tell him he can go if he wants to but having just done that journey at 28 weeks pregnant I personally wouldn't be in a rush to go yourself. Also some airlines might not be willing to bring you back at 34 weeks! You need to check it thoroughly, I got stopped and asked for doctors letters etc at the airport on my way back.
It's a long journey normally with a 6 yr old to occupy, doing it whilst 32 weeks pregnant too - you would have to be keen!!

Mylittlepuds Fri 28-Dec-12 21:54:09

Of course something could happen at 32 weeks!

TwitchyTail Fri 28-Dec-12 22:16:39

I started off thinking you were being a bit unreasonable, because while something COULD happen at any stage during pregnancy, you can't plan your life around maybes. However, once I got to the part about finances I changed my mind, as that would definitely bother me. Especially if it means your own life plans (wedding, maternity leave) will be significantly affected.

Sit down and talk to him. Having a child together makes his finances your business, and vice versa. More time with a parent in the baby's first year trumps glorified holiday IMO. Maybe suggest saving up and in a couple of years making a family trip together to NZ (if that's where his brother is settled)?

leannac Fri 28-Dec-12 22:19:01

We had a similar situation earlier this year with DH wanting to go to sisters wedding in Australia when I was 15 weeks (& advised not to travel due to previous pregnancy complications) & had a 15 month old toddler. My situation was slightly helped by the fact that SIL stipulated my DD wasn't allowed to attend the wedding as she wanted no kids so that made it seem more reasonable for DH to fly over without us. We couldn't afford the trip either & I didn't really (selfishly) want DH to go for that long due to the fact that I would have to take annual leave from work whilst he away as I couldn't do pickups & dropoffs by myself as I work shifts. As a compromise where he got to see all his Aussie friends as well as attend sisters wedding he went for just 9 days. Which obviously meant he spent a bit less money too.

Having done the Australia flight pregnant & with a baby, I'm pretty sure it wouldn't be very nice at 32 wks pregnant & I wouldn't want to be so far away from home at that stage, but I'm thinking from the perspective of a mum of a toddler as I'm sure (praying fervently!) that 6 year olds are a lot easier on planes than toddlers?

It's an annoying situation but I would sort it out ASAP with partner & then don't mention it again after decision has been made. We argued for weeks about this when we had thr issue & I certainly wouldn't recommend that!

mylittlemonkey Fri 28-Dec-12 22:28:16

Financials aside, I do think it is unreasonable not to let your partner go to his brothers wedding and I would be fully supportive of my DH to go to any of his siblings weddings. I would be devastated to miss one of my sisters weddings. At 32 weeks the likelihood anything will happen is very low and so I would not especially worry about that.

Taking into consideration the financial side of things, does he really need to go for 2 weeks? Why not just go for 4/5 days or even a week. That way it cuts down the costs and means he will be away for less time.

ScarfHatSunglasses Fri 28-Dec-12 22:37:55

My DH flew to New Zealand for a wedding when I was 36 weeks pregnant. He went for the weekend only and it cost £750. It was fine. I had no other children but was working full time.
It doesn't need to be 2 weeks at all. Compromise on the time and therefore the money.

noblegiraffe Fri 28-Dec-12 22:45:50

His wanting to go to his brother's wedding is reasonable. 32 weeks pregnant isn't hugely pregnant. But to go for 2 weeks is unreasonable. Can you negotiate a shorter time?

OhMittens Fri 28-Dec-12 23:19:26

What is concerning is not the fact he wants to attend his brother's wedding, that's natural and reasonable, but the apparent lack of recognition of your efforts to keep house, home, 32 weeks pregnancy and child running smoothly without his input for the 2 weeks he is on the other side of the world!

I can totally see your side and if I was you, I would be feeling slightly resentful at being left to deal with the child, plus in the 3rd trimester of pregnancy (when yes actually, anything could happen even if it has been a straightforward pregnancy), struggling away whilst other half has a whale of a time on the other side of the world. On top of which it is costing quite a bit of money.

However, having been in similar-ish position to you in the past, from my experience all I can say is that resistance is useless. If you put your foot down and he doesn't go, he would always blame you which would be unbearably irritating in the future. You will never hear the end of it. If the annoying thing has come up, at least get some moral high ground mileage out of it. What might end up happening otherwise is that you argue about it, eventually he decides not to go, you feel so guilty you then end up persuading him to go, you can manage perfectly well etc etc!! He then ends up with a) the trip, b) your blessing(!) and c) the moral high ground. Triple irritating.

You need to try and avoid arguing about this as he could well decide it's too expensive anyway, but park the blame at your door for not going. I would just ask him to work out all the expenses and suggest ways in which you can cope without his input whilst he is away - just get him to think about what you in some way, whilst he is gallivanting.

Ivvu6 Sat 29-Dec-12 02:11:06

was this wedding planned before you got pregnant? If his brother set the date whilst you were pregnant then he has been unthoughtful( I got married this year and most of my family lives around the Europe. I picked the date what was good for everybody so I see it like that if his brother wanted him to go so badly he would change the date and even if your partner can`t go... come on, it`s just a wedding! It`s not like he will never see him again. If he chose to have a baby he has to step up and not abandon his family. Anyway I hope it works out well for you smile xx

noblegiraffe Sat 29-Dec-12 07:25:59

It's not just a wedding though, it's his brother's wedding. I made a massive effort to get to my brother's wedding 150 miles away when I was 5 days before my due date. To suggest skipping the wedding entirely when his wife is only 32 weeks pregnant is quite a big ask. That said, there is a big difference between making the effort to go to the wedding and hopping abroad for a 2 week holiday. I'd say he can go to the wedding, but the holiday is unreasonable.

What about if your dh cuts the trip back to one week to ensure he goes to wedding and takes your dd? You could have a nice break before baby arrives, dh gets to go to brothers wedding and dd gets to go to wedding and all family get to spend time with your dd? Sure taking her out of school for 4.5 days wouldn't be the end of the world at 6 years old. Then the money saved from cutting back the trip could cover dd's fare? Good luck with getting this worked out

sleeplessinsuburbia Sat 29-Dec-12 08:20:33

Agree with scarfhat, I'd always encourage my DH to attend his brother's wedding (I'd actually go myself in your place) but compromise 1 week.

Mylittlepuds Sat 29-Dec-12 10:08:45

Agree with Scarfhat

YDdraigGoch Sat 29-Dec-12 16:33:24

Ohclutter has had a great idea. DP can compromise by taking DD with him. That way, you all get a holiday.
Being out if school for a couple if weeks at 6 is no big deal, and the trip could even be described as "educational".
They get some time together and with DPs family. You get a couple of weeks to yourself. You could take some time off too and have your own good time.

I'm another one who thinks he could go for a week max, and take your DD with him to give you a break. I'm 32 weeks and would be more than happy for DH to go away for a week but there is no way I'd consider a flight of that length myself. I get very uncomfortable if I have to sit in one position for a long time, and the risk of DVT and dehydration would also make it a no brainer not to go.

Panzee Sat 29-Dec-12 18:51:56

Great idea for him to take your son too.

emblosion Sat 29-Dec-12 19:03:45

Agree with those who suggested he go for a week, which would cost less & be a compromise.

It's his brothers wedding - if he wants to go he should and I think ywbu to stop him. I can understand why you feel how you do though. Can he save up/pay for it himself so it doesn't come out of tour own wedding fund?

In all liklihood you'll be fine at 32 weeks, but I wouldn't want to fly that far myself at that stage. Could he take 6 year old with him? You could have a nice relaxing week at home!

mrslaughan Sat 29-Dec-12 19:12:28

I would not recommend flying that distance at 32 weeks - and although many airlines are fine with flights at 32 weeks - most would not put you on a long haul flight at 34 - doesn't matter what a gp says - they just will not let you on.

I think him going - fine, if it wasn't for the financial stuff - that you will have to delay your wedding.

How close is he to his DB - are they religious, I would tend to think he is just going for the party - and he wants to see NZ and this is a good excuse......

sittinginthesun Sat 29-Dec-12 19:19:17

I understand all your reasons for being upset/worried, as I would probably be exactly the same.

But, I do think he should be able to go if he wants. HE should then be reasonable, and just go for the wedding, rather than turning it into an extended holiday.

mrslaughan Sat 29-Dec-12 19:19:58

whats the bet he is not so keen on taking DD....though I have to say the jet lag will be pretty special.

mrslaughan Sat 29-Dec-12 19:22:08

Actually TBH - being someone who has travelled longhaul with children a lot, I would not go, or expect anyone to do it - take a 6 year old for 1week.

I think the sugesstion of a shorter time - like a long weekend is a very good idea.

ConfusedKiwi Sun 30-Dec-12 06:43:26

My DH went to Thailand for 10 days when I was about 30 weeks pregnant (with a 2 yr old at home) and it was fine - however I do have a lot of family support around and my work was flexible with me getting in 15-30 minutes late during that time. I probably wouldn't be keen to fly UK-NZ long-haul myself at 32 weeks (have done it at about 20) although I would have been fine to do so.

However, I think the main issue is the finances - if you can't afford it you just can't afford it and even though it is a siblings wedding I don't think you should go into debt to get there. In my view you also shouldn't reduce your maternity leave period to fund a holiday. I'm a kiwi and we married in NZ and accepted that many of my DH's family and friends could not attend. However, if your DH feels it is really important to him (or is being pressured to attend) could he ask his parents to pay some of the cost or loan him the money interest free until you are back at work and able to repay..?

MrsHBaby3 Sun 30-Dec-12 19:58:51

Im 32 weeks and the thought of going to xmas parties/ new yrs, etc fills me with dread, let alone travelling to NZ!!
Id let him go alone, or hopefully come to the realisation thats its not the best idea (support wise, financially, etc).

Mutley77 Mon 31-Dec-12 20:57:02

Is a v difficult one - assuming his brother lives in NZ and coming from a position of being in an Aussie/English marriage - there is no easy answer....

I definitely wouldn't fly that far at 32 weeks - for a start you would need to find a dr there to sign you off to fly home and you would be stuck if they wouldn't. I also wouldn't let either of my children go that far without me for that long (more for my own selfish reasons than for worry that they wouldn't be ok!)

However I do think you need to let him go with reasonably good grace - the whole issue of the 2 week holiday is one I would want him to compromise on though, my starting point would be going for up to 2 weeks (if he can make the most of spending time with his family during this time it is a long way to fly for any less time) - and staying somewhere cheap - or preferably free....

Unless you have had previous complications you should be ok to cope with a 6 year old on your own at 32-34 weeks - yes it will be tiring but how nice when he gets back! Also in the worst case scenario and you were admitted to hospital a 6 year old is old enough to come with you and the midwives would have to sort her out if necessary (I'm sure if it came to that a friend or neighbour would help). If you had a previously straightforward pregnancy there is no reason to suggest that something really awful would happen at that stage and if it did he could get on a plane asap and be back the next day.

Hope you sort it out, I know how stressful it is....

BaileyBillyBooBoo Mon 31-Dec-12 21:13:15

I think you both need to compromise, it would be totally unfair if one or the other of you completely got your own way! I would suggest the best way to achieve that is for your dh to only go for a week and maybe ask his brother to provide accommodation for him at his place to save money! I personally would not sacrifice my own wedding and maternity leave for the sake of someone else's wedding....would they do it for you?

TTCmay Fri 04-Jan-13 16:57:48

Hi all thanks for the responses- sorry I didn't realise there had been so many replies!

Some good suggestions and ideas. To respond:
- I will not travel that far at 32/34 weeks. I nearly had DD in Spain when travelling at 33 weeks so not going anywhere! Also this will be planned section after emergency last time, so no way want to risk being abroad having baby and not able to travel back for weeks!!
- DD is my child from previous marriage. Althoug DP had brought her up since 2, would not be appropriate for him to take her. I am also not keen on taking out of school for wedding in stepfathers family
- the wedding date was set pretty much at the time we fell pregnant. We mc twice in 2012 so nothing would have stopped us trying again.

TTCmay Fri 04-Jan-13 17:02:21

So having considered everything I think I had come round to him going. It will affect our debt repayments but I do understand the importance of attending his brother's wedding (he is under pressure from friends who are also travelling, not family, to attend).

But I will say, based on the fact I don't want him gone for long (and there is no need to) and he wil spend less money, that I really want him to only go for a week. It is doable in a week.

Thanks all, it has really helped me to think it through and see other views

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