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Advice: Expect the worst, because it WILL happen. Or, you know, not...

(56 Posts)
purrpurr Thu 13-Dec-12 14:13:26

I reeeeeeeeeeeeeally need to get this off my chest or I am going to explode everywhere.

My friends and parents seem to be keen to lead me down a particular conversation path, which goes something like this:

"Ooooh soooo are you prepared for the baby yet?"
"I hope so, I've been - "
"Because you shouldn't expect to be able to breastfeed, I wasn't, I only managed it for 2 minutes/24 hours/3 weeks and I got mastitis and my boobs fell off and there was BLOOD EVERYWHERE and I had milk coming out of my ears and OH MY GOD my boobs were like concrete slabs and oh the PAIN -"
"Right, er, well, thanks, I mean, I'm open to breast feeding and formula, it needs to work for me and the baby, so -"
"Oh and you won't produce enough milk anyway, especially if your baby is horribly premature and you've been unable to deliver after being in labour for THREE WEEKS and you've ended up having a C section, god my scar was terrible -"
"Er-"
"You'll want them to induce you, mark my words. Get that baby out quick smart. Before it dies or you die. God. Bloody dangerous business having children. AND don't think it'll sleep through the night, you didn't sleep at ALL until YOU WERE FIVE..."

WHY are these people so keen for me to be ABSOLUTELY TERRIFIED of child birth and being a new mum? Why do they get so angry? Why should I spend the rest of my pregnancy scared shitless? If it is really that bad, why did they have multiple children? Why do people get so angry when I say I want to consider the options available to me, and set out to try to ensure I am fully aware that breastfeeding is IMPOSSIBLE and I might as well go straight to formula? Why do people keep telling me I'll have a 'tiny premature' baby when I'm normal-sized and nothing yet suggests I'm growing something that'll need to go into an incubator? WHY WHY WHY am I not allowed to even HOPE that I might have a fairly normal labour and delivery, and that my baby might actually be healthy, and might like my breastmilk, and that I might be able to breastfeed for longer than five minutes? I KNOW it's hard. Stop ramming it down my throat. PLEASE!

TwitchyTail Thu 13-Dec-12 14:33:41

Ha ha grin and breathe.

Glad it's not just me then. I don't think people are deliberately trying to scare you, but it seems like a badge of honour to have had the worst pregnancy/ delivery possible (birth horror stories seem to confer a particular status). I just swiftly change the subject.

Don't worry. Why do so many people do it a second (and third, and fourth) time if it's really that bad? hmm

Because misery loves company?!
People love bragging with horror stories, if it makes you feel better I had exactly the same view on bf and dd got it within 2 days, I never had any problems even cutting down and stoping, she also slept through from 10wks and I mean from 7-7/8 the next day and has woken in 15 months since then a handful of times ( yes that's one of those breast fed babies who don't sleep!) I went into natural labour early and had a good birth ( nothing eventful anyway- no intervention etc) so while I accept not all children are the same or experiences they are not all bad either! Just aim to piss them off by staying chilled about it as I'm sure that helped me

emeraldgirl1 Thu 13-Dec-12 14:39:16

Purrpurr didn't you know that when you are pregnant EVERYONE you meet is a world renowned obstetrician/ child development psychologist/fetal medicine expert?? smile

I hear you op. on the flip side I'm sitting with ds2 on my lap, delivered at 38+6, after a 3hr 10min labour, with no stitches. He feeds like a dream and at 5 days old he only woke twice last night.

People tend to only share the horror stories. It the nice ones.

Good luck, and if they keep going on about it shove your fingers in your ears and 'la la la la' as loud as you can. if they don't get the message they'll at least think you're crazy and stay away

PandaWatch Thu 13-Dec-12 14:39:36

I had family members telling us the other day that we need to chuck out our perfectly nice double bed and get a kingsize for reasons varying from I WILL want to co-sleep with the baby (however much I want to I won't for various reasons - I'm set on that) to I'm going to get soooooooooo huge there won't be enough room in the bed for me and DH hmm.

Plus my Mum keeps telilng me about Daily Mail birth horror stories. I really don't see the point! I'm pregnant now so what will be will be!

dinkystinky Thu 13-Dec-12 14:43:59

Ignore the horror stories OP and enjoy your pregnancy and your baby when he/she arrives.

purrpurr Thu 13-Dec-12 14:47:57

Kittens you have made me feel so much better! It's nice to hear the positive side of things. What really, really makes me cross is that I'm normally such a pessimistic person, I'm really making an effort to be positive and allow myself to be excited and optimistic, yet those that know me well are seeing that as a bit of an insult to them, for some reason... I think I'm unintentionally pissing people off by saying wouldn't it be nice if, and I'd like it if things worked out like this, but am willing to consider all options...

I guess if you've had a traumatic experience, choice wouldn't have factored into it. But I'm still not sure how that is my fault.

Twitchy, you are absolutely right. I think I might need to learn how to change the subject. A small, wicked part of me wants to just start saying, "Well that was YOUR experience. Thanks for sharing. Again. I don't really want to hear about it again though, particularly not in such graphic detail. If you continue to repeat it, I will have to ask you to leave..."

purrpurr Thu 13-Dec-12 14:54:58

Oh my dear god Panda! WHY do people insist upon behaving as though they are psychic/can see the future/know better than everyone else?! Emerald Aren't they just? And they all seem so keen for me to follow the pattern that their own pregnancies and subsequent parenthood did. According to the men in our family, post-birth my priorities must be as follows:

1) Cease to exist ("Once you've had the baby it's NOT ABOUT YOU EVER AGAIN"). This ceasing to exist MUST begin as soon as the baby has come from my body, regardless of whether they need to stitch my foof or my belly. I must lower my head, let my insides hang out and get to scrubbing mine floors.

2) Lose all the pregnancy weight overnight, otherwise my husband will be disappointed that I haven't regained my figure - this being my most important attribute obviously.

Now, luckily for me, not existing should hopefully translate to some sort of ethereal slimness only normally obtained by celebrities with armies of chefs and personal trainers behind them. Yay.

CrackleMauve Thu 13-Dec-12 15:12:16

Ah the birth stories. I think you either get the HORROR or the "well unless you serenely hypnobirth in a pool while your husband chants and whale music plays then it just isn't good enough" camps.

There is a middle camp. I had a perfectly nice labour in a hospital with some lovely lovely gas and air. Breastfeeding was a bit tricky to start with, but I saw a helpful counsellor and got that fixed fine. My baby didn't sleep brilliantly, but we coped ok. It was all really kind of fine. And having a baby is quite lovely.

emeraldgirl1 Thu 13-Dec-12 15:15:04

Purrpurr grin

You are so right. I have also (as am sure you have) repeatedly been told by people (usually much older women as it happens) that I had better enjoy my evenings/days out now because I will NEVER HAVE ONE AGAIN; that I had better enjoy the second trimester because the third trimester WILL be awful; that I should sleep while I can because I will literally never ever get a wink of sleep for the next half-decade.

People mean well (er - I think...) but I don't understand the mentality that goes "here is a person who is about to enter a new phase of their life and who may be already just a little apprehensive about it - I know, I'll add in my two-pence worth and make absolutely certain it's nothing but utter doom and gloom!"

Do you think it would be a good way to stop it if, next time, you pulled a Macaulay Culkin-in-Home-Alone face and screamed, "Jesus, why did nobody warn me before I got pregnant?! Now my only option is to leave my child on the slopes of a mountain and hope they get eaten by wild cougars."

TwitchyTail Thu 13-Dec-12 15:21:45

TwitchyTail's masterclass on how to change the subject:

Doom-mongerer: and after I got the fourth degree tear and was being being sewn up with dirty twine by diseased leprechauns-

You: "Oh, what's that over there?" (pointing behind them)

Doom-mongerer: "What?"

You: "I thought I saw a guinea pig, right there!"

Doom-mongerer: hmm

You: "Anyway, gosh, hasn't the weather really turned recently? I need to pick up more de-icer after work. I heard it might snow this weekend."

EldritchCleavage Thu 13-Dec-12 15:23:14

It's all so unhelpful. What might be helpful is saying, e.g. : breastfeeding could be anything from easy-peasy-lemon-squeezy to awful. (I've done both.) Just have your local breastfeeding counsellor's number to hand and make full use of her if you need to. Not giving you horror stories which are no guide to what will happen to you anyway.

It is dressed up as advice, but actually people just want to trot out their favourite pregnancy/childbirth/parenting anecdotes. And remember, it is all completely irrelevant, because they are not you, and their babies aren't your child.

emeraldgirl1 Thu 13-Dec-12 15:24:05

'sewn up with dirty twine by diseased leprechauns' has just made my entire week grin

CrackleMauve Thu 13-Dec-12 15:26:56

And remember that those older women who say you'll never go out again probably have useless husbands who have no idea how to look after a baby. I have no problem going out by myself, and the brilliant thing about going out after a baby is you get drunk after about 2 glasses of wine. And you feel a bit like a teenager again because it's all that much more exciting rather than just being yet another night out.

lostinindia Thu 13-Dec-12 15:27:01

ha ha ha because it's mostly true. Sorry but you did ask. It's worth it though.

dontcarehow Thu 13-Dec-12 15:34:49

I know I get the same thing. "you will NEVER EVER be able to do anything you enjoy EVER AGAIN", "You will NEVER get your figure back", and such like. I half think that sometimes its women who struggled with their birth and early years who feel better if they suggest that its normal for things to be really bad. I think that happens especially with breastfeeding because if it doesn't work immediately, I think its far too easy these days with all the formula available to just give up. I take it all with a pinch of salt, nobody knows how they will cope with these things before they happen so the best thing is to just go into it open minded. yeah it can all go badly, but its equally likely that it will all go swimmingly!

Teladi Thu 13-Dec-12 15:48:39

I agree with most of what has been said on this thread. I didn't find pregnancy, birth, breastfeeding or year 1 easy at all but I don't think my experiences are common at all and certainly would not be sharing them with first-time pregnant women!! That is not how it will work out for you, everyone is different!

I do think that dontcarehow's comment about breastfeeding is an equally unhelpful generalisation though. Like EldritchCleavage points out above, breastfeeding can be easy peasy or awful, or anywhere in the middle, and it is not a case of just giving up because formula is available. Infant feeding can be a deeply emotional issue for many women, as you'll probably find from looking at the breast and bottlefeeding section on here.

I hope your pregnancies and births are wonderful experiences and feeding works out how you hope. Arm yourself with the information that you need, and then go into it all with a positive outlook!

HappySurfWidow Thu 13-Dec-12 16:02:09

Yes, some women LOVE to play up the bad side of having children, no doubt to make themselves feel better about what they've been through... Goodness knows!

I remember people going ON and ON about the lack of sleep... But I LOVED getting up every 2 hours to breastfeed my baby; I literally skipped out of bed for months as it was such a special precious moment between just the two of us. It was once he was weaned and sleeping mostly through the night (and all my bf hormones had left me, that I struggled with the occasional nights of interrupted sleep).

I'm about to "pop" out number two and now everyone delights to tell me how HARD it is to manage two children... One is apparently a piece of pie in comparison.

Personally, I take it all with a pinch of salt. I am confident in my natural mothering abilities and don't feel other people's experiences having any bearing on my own. Block it all out, trust your body and your own mind... You'll be fine. Congratulations on your pregnancy!

MJP1 Thu 13-Dec-12 16:07:35

enjoyed this thread yes women LOVE telling horror stories of birth/children just do what I do, Smile nod and say oh well everyones different and it cant be that bad or women would have stopped getting pregnant a very long time ago wouldnt they.

My theory is yes its going to hurt but OMG I cannot wait to meet my baby girl xxx

rainrainandmorerain Thu 13-Dec-12 16:10:25

i think, after having 1 dc and another on the way, it is because having a baby and the changes it brings comes as a huge shock to a lot of people.

There's a big difference between knowing something on an intellectual level and actually experiencing it. So - even with a lot of 'prep' it can still be a big shock.

i also think some parents are actually not happy with the choices they made or the situations they found themselves in with perhaps no choice (financial, physical etc) and this makes them a bit bitter tbh. If ever you say anything positive, they come back with 'Just you wait until [insert random doomy development]' - as if any joy you have must be shattered round the corner!

I think how women experience early motherhood depends on their personality, their partner, family and social network, and their baby - they are different, some are 'easier' than others! and that's luck of the draw, imo.

People do use your pregnancy to talk through their own history and ishoos though. Breastfeeding is a good example. People also want confirmation of their own choices and behaviour by persuading you to do the same as them - the 'routine queen' will feel more secure if you do things her way, the co-sleeper likewise. That doesn't stop after you have the baby, is the bad news - but you will get a thicker skin/become an expert of your own!

Shallishanti Thu 13-Dec-12 16:25:39

OP you are right to ignore all this nonsense as everyone has said other peoples bad experiences don't predict yours- it's possible you might learn something but not likely, and the reason I think is this-

women tell these stories as a kind of therapy, to come to terms with their own bad experiences. It's not very kind, or helpful, but they don't see that because they are still 'stuck' with their own feelings, so can't see how their story sounds to someone in your position.

BUT, I do think they're right about the sleep grin
sorry
but as someone has said you will be amazed how you cope

Dogsmom Thu 13-Dec-12 16:33:13

Ahh the old verbal diarrhoea towards pregnant women.

I had read about becoming public property on here but never imagined it'd be so grating, I've had it from the moment I announced my pregnancy, the very first customer I told said "congratulations, did you hear about my daughter? she had a miscarriage this week, it's very common you know".

I've since heard sooo many horrible stories that often include copious amounts of blood and the word 'excruciating' then on the flip side I have my DM who tells me that childbirth is no worse than toothache/earache and that she can't understand why women make so much noise in labour. hmm

I know I've told my pg friends both good and bad experiences I've had, but only after checking if they actually wanted to know. Thing is, birth and having a young baby is probably the most dramatic and life altering thing that's happened to most people so it is natural they want to talk about it because it just makes such a deep and fundamental impact on you. And the great bits are just wonderful - but the bad bits can be traumatic.

i definitely wanted to know everything so was keen to hear the range of people's experiences. When i have shared stuff with friends it has been because i wish someone had told me.

I think people in general mean well but I do remember it being annoying if it was unsolicited!!

surfingbabies Thu 13-Dec-12 16:45:16

Your thread really made me laugh.......some people LOVE misery, they're not happy unless they're telling a horror story & worrying people!! I know someone just like this, never a positive but there's always a negative!!!
Stay positive and I'm pretty sure you'll be just fine!
I'm on number 4 so it can't be that bad & I've given birth to twins smile all my pregnancy have been wonderful, I've had two natural births...home the same day and I breastfed all my children till they were about 3 even my twins who even my health visitor told me I wouldn't have enough milk!!! I ignore every negative opinion about this pregnancy as it is the one sure thing in life......no one can tell what any pregnancy or labour will be like in advance! You enjoy it & good luck smile

colditz Thu 13-Dec-12 16:51:33

Bwahhhh hahahaha. Yes, I had this. Hence when ds1 was born, I kept expecting something bad to happen and it just ...... Didn't. Sometimes he cried. Mostly he didn't. He fed plenty, and grew. He was pretty bloody awesome. The birth was very long and hard, but I escaped with a minor tear, and feeling very tired. The midwives were all "oh you poor thing, such a long labour!" But compared to my mothers horror stories, I felt lucky to be alive!

mcsquared Thu 13-Dec-12 17:52:56

My husband had one mantra for his mum every time she gave us advice during pregnancy and after DS's birth: every woman is different, every pregnancy is different, every baby is different. He pretty much nips most comments in the bud with that because it's true!

Oh you didn't eat chocolate when breastfeeding because it made your child poo giant fire breathing dragons? Well every baby is different. Smile.

mcsquared Thu 13-Dec-12 17:57:37

You'll be fine, by the way. :-)

My birth wasn't how I hoped but not awful and quickly forgotten. My tummy was flat at two weeks though my shape has changed so need new jeans! Breastfeeding took while to establish but going really well now. DS is a delight, even with wind/reflux issues! Slept most of the time while me and DH watched Downton Abbey!

tomatoplantproject Thu 13-Dec-12 18:12:53

You need to develop your "lalala - I can't hear you" skills.

Personally I hated being pregnant but have friends who loved it, childbirth for me was fine - ended up having an emcs for a missed breech but within a few days was out and about, bf has been fine - my nips were a bit sore for a few days but then healed, and some of my friends are about to disown me because my 5 week old wakes once or twice a night. Life with my baby is nice - not horrific at all!

I think some people truly have a difficult time, others have a bit of a rose tinted view of what life will be like with a newborn and then have a reality check, and others like the attention of telling a good tale.

You just need to remember that every person is different and every baby is different.

Congratulations and good luck!

PukeCatcher Thu 13-Dec-12 18:38:15

I was in labour and stopped off to get a bacon roll on my way to hospital.

The lady behind the counter took great delight in telling me how much it hurt to give birth, that it 'kills you' and that I'd never want another.

How rude and unnecessary!

Congratulations and I hope everything goes well for you

Paradisefound Thu 13-Dec-12 18:43:54

Tell them if they haven't got anything positive to say about pregnancy, childbirth or motherhood, you would prefer that they change the subject or say nothing... And say it like you mean it!

Haggisfish Thu 13-Dec-12 20:00:15

Oh, I know - it's rubbish! They never ever mention the gorgeous lovely newborn snuggly snuffles, how much FUN babies and toddlers can be and what a fab shared experience with your OH it can be. Yes, there are hard times, but i'd now rather feel crappy after a disturbed night's sleep from breastfeeding my gorgeous baby than a killer hang over from another shitty night out. And you do get a life back, eventually - I found it got much easier after 6 months and was almost back to normal by 2 years old - am now pg with no 2! ignore the doomsayers.

Facelikeafriendlyapple Thu 13-Dec-12 20:21:35

Hurrah for posting this OP! I've spent the past few days going to antenatal classes and NCT and the message has essentially been "Labour really really hurts and lots of things can go wrong at lots of stages. And then you have a baby and lots of things can go wrong at lots of different stages. Plus you'll have no sleep. Plus you'll feel isolated and lonely. Plus you'll have no money." And I'm all for going into something with your eyes open but honestly, after the past few days, all I really want is someone to say "Having a baby will be fun. A big, sometimes scary adventure. But fun."

(I should say that the antenatal classes and NCT haven't always dwelt of the bad stuff. Just this week has been doom-filled).

Mylittlepuds Thu 13-Dec-12 21:11:09

The breastfeeding obsession is usually down to unresolved guilt on their part. My best mate was OBSESSED with my breastfeeding to the point she was asking almost daily 'are you still doing it?!'. It was because she couldn't manage it for long. She openly admits to 'making up' horror stories about nipples bleeding etc etc to those less close with her but in reality couldn't hack the relentlessness of it. Don't get me wrong - it's pretty bloody hard in terms of you not getting a rest but for me it was easy physically. No soreness, nothing.

TinkyPeet Fri 14-Dec-12 00:42:33

Haha. Best thread I've read so far! Don't you just LOVE other people's pregnancy advice, I particularly love the old fears advice that starts 'when we were courting....' And lasts about an hour before they actually forget what the point was haha.
OP, my advice to you would be to tell them all to shut the f()ck up and let you get on with it. If they say they're offended just say their face offends your eyeballs and shimmy away,
X

TinkyPeet Fri 14-Dec-12 00:43:05

That's meant to be old dears
Stupid phone

inadreamworld Fri 14-Dec-12 08:18:51

Ha ha!! They just want to make out their experience of pregnancy/birth was the worst/best/most dramatic/painful whatever.....just attention seeking and thinking everyone must be like them.

My DD (now 20 months) slept through the night since 8 weeks old. Nothing I did - she is just a calm baby. Breastfeeding didn't work for me but I know loads of women who had no problems at all with it (some who are still doing it after 1 year plus).

Having your first baby is a fun and exciting time of your life. Enjoy it and stay positive. I am having number two in less than a month and am getting comments like 'how will you cope with two under two' - 'oh well even if your first baby is a good sleeper it doesn't mean the 2nd will be the same' etc etc Am ignoring it all!!! Good luck to you. You will be fine. x smile

Loving this thread!

This weds at a work Xmas lunch I sat, drinking OJ, listening to two colleagues with you kids get progressively more drunk and trying to put me off with tales of projectile poo, cracked nipples, baby sick in theur hair, how unprepared they were and I must be. Initially it was funny, then grating. But I got my own back by retelling tales of our cat brining in decapitated rabbits, entrails on the floor, half dead birds and bleeding frogs...and put them right off their creme brule! smile

purrpurr Fri 14-Dec-12 08:43:17

I'm so glad I posted this! You have all cheered me up so much. Before everyone started giving me their 'advice' I'd been really enjoying buying little bits for the baby - although even that flies in the face of what we're meant to do ('don't buy ANYTHING until you're 38 weeks! ANYTHING could go wrong and then you'll have, like, baby things, and no baby to go with them!') - because it just makes sense to me that you have 9 months' notice of a major life change so you should make the most of the time available to prepare, not sit around doing jack all until the last moment then go on a panicked shopping trip. My OH won't let me look at displays of baby things in shops because 'we don't need to think about that yet', but surely one of the joys of being a first time mum is enjoying looking at ludicrously tiny baby things. There's no joy in essentially going underground for the first 8.5 months and ignoring the whole thing until the last minute.

I've even been sternly told to not buy any maternity clothes, just buy normal ones in 2 sizes up from normal. What's wrong with people? I haven't become a big waddly creature all over. Admittedly my arse has become the size of a small country and my boobs have become real honest to god boob type things, instead of the fried eggs they were before, but it's my belly that has really changed. They make clothes that allow for the mahoosive belly. Why shouldn't I be allowed to wear them instead of tents?

It really does feel like people are so keen to live vicariously through my pregnancy but also use it as an excuse to exorcise their own demons. I'm actually getting quite sick of hearing about other people's experiences. I might start saying that...

NAR4 Fri 14-Dec-12 09:56:48

Unfortunately most people feel a need to give you all sorts of unwanted advice and their opinions on various child rearing, when you are pregnant. I am pregnant with my 5th child and still get this from strangers and people who know me, alike. As if I don't know what it entails by now.

It is never as bad as people say and when you look back in years to come you will surprise yourself at how you managed.

All will be fine, enjoy your pregnancy and baby.

purr purr - don't listen to them! They way DH and I see it (having lost one last year) is that it's be devastating whether you've bought clothes or not, and a spot of shopping (or ten!) has no actual bearing on some physiological or genetic issue that might arise.

In the end, I'm stayed positive by thinking 'PUPO' - pregnant until proven otherwise - and shopping like a nutter! smile

It's your first baby, so go forth and get excited!

I hear you inadream, I will have the same age gap as you between my two and if I havnt heard I was just lucky dd was a good sleeper enough times ( I do agree to a part but she also had colic originally and it was incredibly hard sticking to my plan of not putting her in bed with us or bringing her downstairs etc and I spent weeks up and down stairs picking her up and soothing repeat repeat) to now be told that not only that I may not be so lucky this time to "I hope you get a bad one this time" thanks that's very kind and generous of spirit of you!! It's not just that they want to tell you their bad experiences they WANT you to have bad ones too!!

Jojobells1986 Fri 14-Dec-12 11:21:54

Unless asked specific questions the only comment/advice I give to expectant mothers is to read. Learn as much as possible about as much as possible, both pre- & post-birth. Make notes too so you can refer back to ideas you liked when you might be faced with any given situation. It might also useful to have that information available for your DP, so you're both on the same page. I found that by reading lots I could counteract a lot of the 'this happened to me so will happen to you' comments by informing them of how common the problem really is & all the usual treatments etc. They usually shut up once they realised that not only was I not horrified that something like that could happen but that I actually knew more about the issue than them from a medical point of view! grin

If you're likely to just worry about things if you know about them then don't read. Do whatever suits you. Your body, your baby! Everyone else knows next to nothing about how things will happen for you & some people just talk nonsense. I was told once that I wasn't allowed raspberries while pregnant. hmm This was someone who'd never even been pregnant. She's pregnant now & I've really had to bite my tongue to avoid making up insane things that she absolutely must do while pregnant. I think I might explode if she goes overdue & starts wondering what might bring the baby faster... Oh the things I could make her do! grin

inadreamworld Fri 14-Dec-12 11:35:12

kittenskottenskittens Yes I have had people hint that I have had an easy time and will 'get a bad one this time'!!! Not very kind is it but I think it is quite funny actually and not everyone is like that of course.

purrpurr Fri 14-Dec-12 14:36:37

Kittens That's exactly it - the feeling that they want me to have a bad time of it, and my optimism is adding fuel to the fire. I think there are a lot of bitter, miserable parents out there. Who knows - I may become one too, but if I feel unhappy for any length of time then I will have to make the choice to only have one child and not go down this path again.

Something else that bothers me is that all this negativity and anger is coming from family and friends, but on top of that every single midwife I've met hasn't given a crap either. The only people that seem to be happy about having a baby are optimistic mums-to-be and those trying to conceive. If it's so miserable and so hard, why do we do it?

javotte Fri 14-Dec-12 14:55:36

A neighbour told me yesterday that I should give my 7-week-old DD bottles because it will make things easier for everyone if I die. hmm

inadreamworld Fri 14-Dec-12 20:10:51

javotte ???????????????????what???? She is a crazy woman!!!!

purrpurr Ignore the negative people. I am very very very happy about having a baby (and please God v soon two babies). Motherhood IMO is the best job in the world. I feel totally blessed to have (nearly) two girls and that I have had no problems conceiving. I am a sahm (who tutors a few children from home but that doesn't feel like work). I used to teach a class of 30 kids full time. Having a baby is a billion times easier than my teaching jobs were. Although I love teaching (v rewarding but v challenging too) and would like to go back part time in the future.

Omg javotte!!! People are unbelievable! That has got to be the best I've heard so far!
Purr I found my midwife was lovely but at the hospital the nct class was just basically there to tell you what horrors to expect in labour, but don't come in yet!! Throwing up? Don't come in yet! Contracting? Don't come in yet!
People can be very strange but I think it's an unwritten rule that your not allowed to mention positive aspects of child rearing as that would be bragging, only moaning allowed, I think I've had an easy time but in retrospect was it just because of all the you'll get massive, you'll go over, you'll definatly put the baby in bed with you that because I didn't I feel blessed rather then maybe that doesn't happen to everyone like I was told?!
If you are ever in any doubt about whether having children is worth whatever happens just ask the mum would you change them? And I bet you won't meet one that doesn't smile and say no x

purrpurr Sat 15-Dec-12 16:43:09

Feeling really down again today with all of this - reading this thread again is helping though. It doesn't help that my 20 week scan is coming up soon - just before Christmas - and because I haven't felt any movement yet, I feel like it's going to be really bad news, but a tiny part of me almost wants that so I can go back to being not pregnant and not subject to this vile non-stop advice. I know that I will just get more and more evil advice once the baby is here, as well as judgemental gossip when I inevitably get things wrong as I learn along the way. People can be so nasty.

The people I would normally turn to when I am down are the very people who have been keen to squash the enthusiasm I had before.

Thank god for Mumsnet.

inadreamworld Sat 15-Dec-12 18:05:43

I didn't feel any movement until about 22 weeks with first baby and not much earlier (about 20 weeks) with baby 2. Everything was fine and it will be for you too. I have experienced the negative advice too but you just have to ignore it - lots of people are not like that. Just hang around with the positive ones. Don't let it get to you.

rainrainandmorerain Sat 15-Dec-12 20:55:20

purrpurr - I never felt any movement until 22 plus weeks with my 1st. No problems at all. I'm 20 weeks now and may have felt something, it may be wind, who knows!

i think you need to find a way of dealing with negative comments. You are now talking about 'evil' and anticipating people watching and judging your inevitable failures as a new mum. Come on now. And btw, while mn CAN be a huge source of advice and support.... you will get judgement and unwanted criticism here too. It just happens.

My guess is that you are excited and looking forward to your new baby, and new life, and are also bloody terrified too. Which i think is entirely normal btw, and is fine to admit it - but of course it makes you more vulnerable to negative comments. Cos, you know.... what if they're right!

And so on. You dont't know what parenthood will be like for you. No one does. that's the simple truth, and no amount of positive/negative comments will make any difference. All you can do is your best, and see what life brings you.

The most important bit - only, really - of advice i give is not to plan too much, and to give yourself permission to feel whatever it is you end up feeling. I do wince when I hear first time mums to be saying 'i'll have dc sleeping through by 6 weeks old/will be back at work 3 months later/WILL do this/WON'T do that' - because they just don't see how radically their life will change, and how this small bundle of love and chaos becomes central to their lives and identity. And it is a huge experience which does change people. It should do.

If you want to get away from 'advice', which may have some sort of agenda ('I did x and was unhappy so you will be too' sort of thing) - then why not go over and lurk on some of the post-natal club threads on MN? No one will be interested in you personally, they won't even known you are there! but it will be some sort of look at life after birth from new mothers who are just sharing experiences and looking for support from each other. You get a very broad picture of it all there, and that might be helpful.

So funny, and so true!

Upon telling a close friend that I was pregnant (about 6 weeks gone), she proceded to tell me her labour story and how she lost her dignity/hated BF/her boobs exploded with blood et etc, and that labour stopped her from ever wanting another child.

Just what I needed to hear.

TheCountessOlenska Sat 15-Dec-12 21:36:37

Good post rainrainandmorerain

Hope you're ok OP, really try not to let it stress you out and spoil your experience of pregnancy. Yes there will be ups and downs ahead but it's so worth it smile

Just to add my positive story - Sailed through pregnancy and childbirth, breastfeeding easy once we got the hang of it. Yes I was landed with The Baby Who Would Not Sleep but it was a good excuse to eat cake in my pjs for a year and demand sympathy from everyone!

purrpurr Sat 15-Dec-12 21:44:15

Ok, the idea of being able to eat cake in my pjs for a year has well and truly cheered me up! smile

Rain you sound like my mum - well what my mum should have sounded like (she's normally wonderful but has been one of the people to tell me horror stories and squash me whenever I've been remotely excited) thank you so much for your post. I do need to get a grip I think. I think though just being able to say 'I feel miserable and waaah' on what has become a very supportive thread for me made me feel better - I went away, wrapped all of my christmas presents and did two loads of laundry, more than I've done all day, so it obviously helped to let off some steam and be a proper grump! I really do appreciate all the wonderful support I've had on here. Thank you xx

rainrainandmorerain Sat 15-Dec-12 22:00:08

I am impressed by the laundry OP, you must be feeling better!

Come back and let us know how your 20 week scan goes. Mine is next week too. They are a bit nervewracking, I do sympathise.

I didn't feel any movement till about 22 weeks, I think that's normal especially if you have an anterior placenta (which you won't find out about till the scan).

I am 34 weeks with DC1 and my mum told me the other day that since I have had an easy pregnancy I am guaranteed a difficult birth. Cheers mum hmm

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