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Disappointed at gender, so ashamed

(186 Posts)
YoungNun Thu 27-Oct-11 19:25:16

I've name-changed for this because I am so ashamed of what I'm feeling. I had a scan today at eighteen weeks and found out I am carrying a boy. I had genuinely never given any real thought to the baby's gender, because I was worried about whether it was OK (first pregnancy, not a young mother), but as soon as the sonographer said it was a boy, I suddenly felt terribly disappointed, and as if I'd unconsciously been counting on a girl all along.

I'm trying to work out why my feelings are so negative - surely it's more than some kind of superficial stuff about dresses and baking? Partly to do with the fact that there are lots of boys in the extended family and few girls, and the fact that I think mothering a boy will be harder, because I don't know how boys tick...? Am I actually being deeply sexist, and unconsicously think boys are inferior, emotionally limited etc, despite the fact that my partner is a wonderful man?

Please don't flame - I know I'm being ridiculous and unfair, and that I should be shrieking with delight that the baby seems to be developing normally, when instead I'm sitting on the sofa in tears, because I feel so guilty that I'm thinking this stuff about my lovely baby before it's even born. Has anyone else felt this, and do you have any advice as to how to kick myself out of this mindset? What the hell is wrong with me?

NickNacks Thu 27-Oct-11 19:28:07

I knew this would be about having a boy a being dissappointed it's not a girl. hmm

GuillotinedMaryLacey Thu 27-Oct-11 19:30:30

This is why I think finding out the sex early is a great idea. Wouldn't it be awful to have these feelings when your baby is born?

I think it's a combination of things. You're a girl, so, loosely speaking you know what girls do. Then there's all the girly shopping bonding stuff that people imagine having a daughter will bring. And chuck in the amount of boys in the family.... I don't think it has anything to do with how you feel about boys in general.

You'll get over it and your little boy will be fabulous, you know he will. Don't beat yourself up about it, it'll be fine smile

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 27-Oct-11 19:33:33

No flaming here - I think how you're feeling is very understandable although never a popular subject on here.

I have 2 boys and did wonder how I'd get on with being a mother of boys as had no brothers/father when growing up so very used to the company of women/girls.

But you know what - its fab it really is.

You've got some time to come to terms with it and to begin to get excited about the birth of your son.

musttidyupmusttidyup Thu 27-Oct-11 19:35:07

You're emotions are up the spout with all those hormones. It'll be fine. You will cherish him more than you can possibly imagine. I promise. Now, dont give it any more thought. Pull yourself together and stop fretting. grin

fuckityfuckfuckfuck Thu 27-Oct-11 19:35:26

Nicknacks, the OP is being honest. I felt the same when I found out with my ds. But why not make her feel more ashamed than she already does? hmm
OP, I think it's natural to 'mourn' the baby you won't get. fwiw, my best friend's sister has the opposite- found out she's having a girl and has realised she was expecting, and wanting a girl. It is an adjustment of expectation. I can guarantee you will love your son as much as you would love a daughter. I am lucky enough to have one of each, and am pregnant again and I this time I don't care what I have. Gender is pretty irrelevant when it gets down to it.

frutilla Thu 27-Oct-11 19:37:23

Well there's nothing you can do about it, so it's a waste of energy, although you can't help how you feel in your heart. Just be grateful and you can alway try for another after - though it may be a boy again! I have 2 wonderful boys, I'm sure you will be v happy when you meet him, there will be tears of joy. So try not to feel bad and focus on your growing baby, he needs your love!

happenstance Thu 27-Oct-11 19:37:29

Hi didn't want to read and run, Please don't think it is only you, you have found out in advance and your feelings will change as you settle into the idea, you are certainly not being rediculous or unfair.

Please don't beat yourself up about your feelings now, you will love your baby more than anything in the world when he is here.

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 27-Oct-11 19:39:45

To be fair to nicknacks - I too knew which way round this thread would be and this is probably in part why the OP feels as she does.

In my opinion boys are just not as wanted in today's society - girls are seen as 'easier' when they're little, you know they'll play quietly and sweetly whilst boys run around being boisterous.

Of course thats generalising but it is how a lot of people seem to feel which is very sad.

GuillotinedMaryLacey Thu 27-Oct-11 19:39:53

FWIW we are really really girl heavy on both sides of our family. This baby will be PIL's 6th granddaughter and no grandsons and my parents' 4th granddaughter (one grandson). I was absolutely convinced this would be a boy and was not entirely thrilled when told it was another girl. But now I'm really looking forward to having two girls.

Someone will always be ready to project their own feelings onto you so ignore them. It's a MN sin to express any preference at all for girls don't you know hmm

Nicknacks - going for a prize for least helpful post?

OP - don't over-analyse your feelings. You obviously had thoughts about this that you hadn't full realised so you have had a bit of a shock but you will love your baby and he will be the centre of your world. Generally speaking nobody knows how their child will tick till they arrive and then you get to know them. Boy or girl - you are their parent and you will be brilliant at it!

Have you looked on line for some cool boy stuff? Girls have dresses but there is loads of lovely boy stuff too smile

It's fine, don't worry about how you are feeling, it's totally OK. I was so convinced I was having a girl my mum brought dresses to the maternity ward only to be told I'd had a son. I love my boy, you'll adore yours. Don't bother trying to kick yourself out of your mind set. Just sit with it for a while and it'll probably shift on it's own. Your baby will kick those feelings to the side once he arrives and is delicious!

Although watch out as there'll probably be posters along who'll want to give you a hard time with the 'at least you can have a baby'/'at least he's healthy'/'well, you're anti-feminist'/ whatever, but just know that that's their issue and they're off-loading it onto you to try to make themselves feel better. (I've no idea what NickNacks is making faces about, but it's probably not going to add to the thread.)

bigkidsdidit Thu 27-Oct-11 19:41:32

I understand. I always wanted a troupe of girls and when I found out I was carrying a boy I was a bit disappointed. I was so ashamed of myself. Gradually I adjusted and when he was born he was just the most wonderful baby. That's the thing- you dot give both to a boy or a girl but your baby, with a name and a personality. Then it doesn't matter at all smile

Hopefully I'll have another in a few years and I want another boy now. I just want another DS, he's so awesome smile

Take some time to adjust. You're hormonal, it's a surprise. You need a bit of time.

GuillotinedMaryLacey Thu 27-Oct-11 19:41:53

I have to say MrsCB that only someone without girls would think that girls are easier and sit quietly playing. I've been a nanny, have a daughter and, as stated above, have loads of girls in the family. Girls playing quietly and not being boisterous is a complete myth.

NickNacks Thu 27-Oct-11 19:41:54

Who said I made her feel more ashamed than she already does? I do not take responsibility for her shame.

It's the truth that I knew it would be disappointment about having a boy.

C4ro Thu 27-Oct-11 19:42:03

Well, to counteract this apparently "obvious" expectation, I thought it would be the other way round. My own mum told me she was a bit disappointed I was a girl. This despite the fact she came from a familiy of 4 girls and 1 boy where the boy was treated as a do-no-wrong king and the girls ignored (at best).

Purplebuns Thu 27-Oct-11 19:42:58

I agree with the mourning the baby you won't have. I had no preference and I was so pleased Dd was a girl however, there was definitely part of me that thought oh I won't have a boy. I think twins one of each would have been perfect for me wink

Oh and when you have your baby snuggled up, you will wonder what you were worried about as you got the best baby ever. in the whole entire world

squinker45 Thu 27-Oct-11 19:43:01

My little boy is obsessed with baking, but sometimes I do wish i could buy a lovely little dress... that's really all i regret though, and I do know mothers who just buy girly stuff anyway and dress their boys in it (tho they are a bit nuts).

Your baby is your baby, not a girl and you will be glad he wasn't when you meet him. iykwim.

NickNacks Thu 27-Oct-11 19:44:45

MrsCampbelBlack Thank you- you explained it perfectly. Boys are seen as less desirable and I really don't understand why! I have 2 boys, 1 girl and by far, my daughter is the hardest work!

GuillotinedMaryLacey Thu 27-Oct-11 19:44:47

Well it was a 50/50 chance so you're not that clever.

Velvetcu Thu 27-Oct-11 19:46:23

I really really wanted a boy and was gutted when I found out I was having a girl. I had a miscarriage last year so felt even more ashamed about it.

My gorgeous little girl was born last Tuesday and I am totally besotted with her. She is wonderful and her gender means absolutely nothing at all - she is mine and that's all that matters! I never thought I'd be saying something like that about a girl!

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 27-Oct-11 19:48:10

Umm I have a girl as well. I was talking about generalisations and why I think people prefer the idea of girls.

hester Thu 27-Oct-11 19:48:18

Try to forgive yourself for your feelings. It's ok to have a preference, so long as you understand that (a) there's nothing you can do about the sex of your child, and (b) your preference is almost certainly rooted in assumptions, stereotypes and projects that have nothing to do with reality.

I wanted a girl desperately. So much so that I delayed childbearing because I felt it wouldn't be fair to a boy to go ahead. Then one day I reached an epiphany when I thought, "well, so what if I prefer a girl? Will it stop me loving a boy? No. Is this anything other than my assumptions about what girls are like versus what boys are like? No. So I'll just go ahead and prefer all I want, because in the end I just have to get on with it".

Once I'd had my baby (a girl - in fact I now have two girls) it really came home to me how individual they are, and how much you love them whatever they are. Looking at the other families around me, I see no evidence that mothers are closer to daughters than sons, or that mothers and daughters share interests, or that girls are 'easier' (mine are certainly not!).

Honestly, you will love your little boy and the thought of swapping him for a girl will seem ridiculous to you. He is the child you were meant to have and you will absolutely treasure him. Once you have him you will know that he is an individual and he will be very different from your fantasy child in so many ways - but you will love him for who and what he is. Don't beat yourself up, just shrug and get on with it. It will be fine.

YoungNun Thu 27-Oct-11 19:49:44

Thanks for being so nice, everyone who commented. Nicknacks, I'm pretty new on here, so I genuinely didn't know that gender disappointment tended one way only, or that there was a MN culture of girl preference.

And frankly, if someone came on and said I was a selfish, superficial bitch who didn't deserve her baby, I'd agree with her at this minute. I have never felt so ashamed of myself in my entire life. But the support is very much appreciated, because this isn't something I want to say out loud, ever.

I dont think its anything to be ashamed about, you will love your little boy. I have 1 boy and am pregnant with my 4th girl. My boy has been very different to my girls, but there is just no way of knowing if thats personality or gender or more likely a mixture of both. When the sonographer told me that i was having a girl again this time i momentarily said goodbye to the little boy who was going to fit nicely into the bottom bunk in my sons room and i think thats what you are describing you had one image in your head and now you need to make another.

Go out and buy some lovely little boy outfits and just get excited about your new son. Just build up a new picture in your head. I couldnt be more thrilled now to be having a girl and my dh has been making me laugh telling people all about his "4 daughters" and his son who will aparently be hidigin in a shed with him when the girls hit puberty (they are all going to be teenagers at once)

Is this for real?

Sorry, I don't normally want to flame posters, but seriously, get real?

How can any of you regret anything? Grief. I am saddened by this thread and some of the comments on it.

GuillotinedMaryLacey Thu 27-Oct-11 19:53:34

MrsCB I meant generally not you specifically. People only think girls are the easy option if they haven't had them. The one boy in the family isn't the least bit boisterous, DD runs rings round him. They're all individuals, generalising is pointless.

horMOANSnomore Thu 27-Oct-11 19:55:26

Don't beat yourself up OP, you can't help how you feel. I have two girls and a boy. I'm very grateful I have a mixture and I love my DCs equally.

My mum was disappointed I was a girl too C4ro. Boys seemed to be valued more than girls then for some reason. When did this change and why?

This interests me very much.

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 27-Oct-11 19:56:00

But people do generalise - especially before having children. I'm sure I thought a girl would be easier because I was a quiet bookish child and assumed any daughter of mine would be the same wink [deluded]

I do think though that its better to come on mn, talk about how you feel and process it before the birth and you shouldn't be flamed for that.

Catsycat Thu 27-Oct-11 19:57:17

Don't worry or feel bad - you feel how you feel, no point beating yourself up over it. I am sorry you are feeling upset.

You have months before the birth, to get used to the idea of a boy, and bond with your baby knowing he is a he IYSWIM. Once you have imagined him as a boy for the rest of the pg, I bet you'll be desperate to meet him. I know some lovely boys, as well as some little monsters, its' the same with girls! You can, as northern said, get lovely things for boys, so do have a look - it might make you feel better.

Oh, and just in case it is about dresses and baking grin, I know lots of little boys who love to cook, and one very boisterous little lad who came over recently, raided DD1s dressing up box, paraded out into the garden in wings, beads and wand, declaring "I'm a fairy!".

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 27-Oct-11 19:57:20

I wonder if its this whole 'princess' thing thats going on nowadays - and also girls seem to do better at school now than boys and so are in some ways seen as an easier option.

dietstartstmoz Thu 27-Oct-11 20:00:07

I have 2 boys my youngest has SN, and they really are wonderful. Boys are so much fun, and both of my children are beautiful (of course!). We won't be having any more because of the SN issues-and sometimes I do think I won't ever had a daughter, especially when I get older. I go shopping with my mom and do stuff with her, not a lot but stuff, and I know I will have a different relationship with my adult children as they're not going to want to hit the sales etc, and I do have a tinge of sadness about this. Don't beat yourself up, you're going to have a son, and you will adore him. It is strange sometimes what we think isn't it. I really didn't mind if we had boys or girls, but now my baby days are behind me I do have some sadness about never having a daughter. Don't worry about being flamed, there are plenty on here who will understand.

Stokey38 Thu 27-Oct-11 20:00:13

Youngnun, I felt exactly the same. I didn't find out the sex with DD but I did with DS and I felt horribly disappointed but I didn't tell anyone and secretly hoped they had it wrong! But really as soon as I met him I was so happy that he was a boy and now I love having a boy, he is so affectionate and such a mummy's boy and he is so much easier than DD ever was. I think it's quite normal but really as soon as you meet him you'll wonder why you ever wanted a girl (although they are equally wonderful but IMO no more so)

newportstateofmind Thu 27-Oct-11 20:00:32

Hi YoungNun, I always imagined having a girl - grew up with a sister and mainly female relatives - and it wasn't so much that I wanted a girl, I couldn't imagine not having a girl!

When I was pregnant we didn't find out the sex of the baby, but at one point it occurred to me that there was actually a possibility that the baby could be a boy! grin From the moment that DS was born I absolutely loved having a son, and now I'd love to have another boy.

Don't worry too much about how you are feeling right now - I'm sure it is natural and certainly nothing to be ashamed of. Just relax and be reassured that you will love your son absolutely, and once he is here you prob won't be able to imagine him being any different!

Good luck! smile

hester Thu 27-Oct-11 20:01:07

Hey, I have a friend who desperately wanted a girl so badly that she spent her entire pregnancy convincing herself it was a boy, so she would be used to the idea once the baby came. (Her dp didn't want to find out the sex.)

Come the day, she gave birth to a girl, and her first thought was, "Where the hell is my son?!" You can change your mind a little too thoroughly grin

Selky Thu 27-Oct-11 20:04:39

I really thought that DS was going to be a girl - I was utterly shocked when he came out and Dh said "its a boy".

But within hours/ next day, I had forgotten about the girl baby I was expecting and he is a lovely wee soul and I never regret his gender.

There are more clothes choices for girls which grips my shit considerably but an awful lot of it is pink and frankly inappropriate. And boys toys are better. Once he is here it will be impossibly to imagine him any other way.

But I couldn't do it until he was right there, waving his willy.

sprinkles77 Thu 27-Oct-11 20:06:09

OP I am worried i could feel like you if the baby I'm carrying is not the gender I hope for. But I know that I'll love it like I love my DS. When yours is born you will forget all about how you feel today and just be overwhelmed by your delicious newborn.

SoupDragon Thu 27-Oct-11 20:08:09

"It's the truth that I knew it would be disappointment about having a boy."

Well, you had a 50% chance of being right, didn't you? Had it actually been the other way round, would you have posted "what a surprise, I was sure it would be disappointment about having a boy and I was wrong!"

OP, don't be ashamed. Feelings come and surprise you. I've been disappointed to find I was having a second boy and then disappointed to find my third was a girl (so, you would have been wrong there had I started a thread, NickNacks. I was delighted my first was a boy as it happens).

I loved them all the same the moment they were born.

YoungNun Thu 27-Oct-11 20:08:43

Ironically, I own one dress myself, loathe shopping and my partner is the domestic god/ baker of the two of us, so I wasn't in love with some princessy stereotype. I'm trying to think analytically about it - I had a difficult relationship with my own mother growing up, so it may be that I wanted to heal that by being a good mother to a daughter, I don't know. I'm the eldest of three daughters, and my brother, the youngest child, is the sibling to whom I am least close, because I'd left home when he was still very young. Also that as I am an older mother, it's likely that this will be our only child.

Anonymousbird I have absolutely no defence. You are quite right. I have been telling myself to get real since ten o'clock this morning, and in much more unpleasant terms.

Thanks so much, the rest of you. It's lovely to hear from mothers of sons. I am re-reading your posts and feeling supported by them.

IslaValargeone Thu 27-Oct-11 20:08:45

Op, when I got pregnant for the first time (10 years ago) I 'felt' like I was having a boy, and was constantly drawn to the boys section of clothes shops, eyeing up the jumpers with pictures of tractors etc on them, and making my boys names list. I was really happy about having a son, even though I hadn't had a scan. I found out the sex after a late scan, about 6 weeks before due date, and found out I was having a girl. I'm ashamed to say that like you I came home from the hospital and cried. When your baby is born though, I promise you, you will feel swamped with love, my dd is the apple of my eye, and I put my feelings of disappointment down to some kind of hormonal blip. Be happy, everything will be fine.

TethHearseEnd Thu 27-Oct-11 20:14:47

YoungNun, I had gender disappointment when I was pg. It was awful.

I was having a girl; when I found out I was devastated. I had wanted a boy my whole life. The strength of my feelings of disappointment shocked me.

Of course, looking back, I can see that my brain was riddled with hormones, I would have had the depression regardless of the gender of the baby, but at the time it felt awful. The worst thing was, I was carrying a healthy baby, and knowing how may people in the world would love to be in that position made me feel incredibly guilty for feeling the way I did.

The only information I could access about Gender disappointment was from mothers expecting boys and wanting girls- this made me feel even worse.

Interestingly, my ante-natal counsellor said that a large proportion of the expectant parents she saw suffering from gender disappointment were those who had been infertile for many years, and had eventually conceived through IVF; they had held on to a dream of a (usually) baby girl for so long, that when they conceived twin boys they were devastated.

It is almost taboo to discuss it- I could never tell anybody how disappointed I was, it seemed so ungrateful. I have posted about it a few times on MN, but tend to try and avoid the gender threads as it is a very emotive subject and I am tired of defending the feelings I had. Many people on here don't see it as a symptom of a depressive state, but as ungratefulness. Interestingly, women suffering with PND who claim not to want their baby tend not to be labelled ungrateful.

Of course, now my DD is nearly 2 and although she is not a boy, neither is she 'a girl'- she's an Angie and I love her more than life itself.

Please PM me any time you want- i promise you that you won't feel like this forever smile

Not to be really shallow (honest) as I know it's not about the 'stuff' but (whilst I'm in the mood for googling) how cool is this boyesque stuff?

stripes

bears

the girsl design is cute but check out the sky design

baby penguin

more stripes

ningyo Thu 27-Oct-11 20:20:28

I felt this way when I found out DS was a boy at our 20 week scan. A slightly sinking sense of disappointment that I wasn't going to have a daughter, at least this time. I'm close to my mum, have 2 sisters and went to a girls' school - I imagined I'd have the same sort of close relationship with a little girl as I have with my own mum, and I had unconsciously absorbed all sorts of sweeping generalisations about boys (noisy, messy, and don't really think much about going to see their parents once they've grown up - this last bit based on my own dad and husband lol!). I just had no idea what having a boy would be like. Slowly, though, I got used to the idea. Then I started to love the idea. A few weeks before he was born I suddenly thought 'What if they got it wrong? What if it's a girl!' and realised I would be really really sad not to have the son I had been imagining for those past 20 weeks. And he is the most awesome little guy. I feel so lucky to have him - I'm sure it will be similar for you.

FriggOmortisFRIGG Thu 27-Oct-11 20:21:00

OP when i found out my 2nd child was a boy,i was so confused,id never really thought about gender,but unconsciously i must have thought id have all girls,i have no brothers,no close male relations at all and i had no idea what 'boys' liked etc,etc.

i felt just like you do.

But the very moment he was born,i felt an overwhelming love,like nothing i had felt before,the love i have for my DD grew slowly,
but this washed over me immediately,
He is my boy,my light,my darling.

you will come to terms with this.
you will love your son.

hormones are horrid things sometimes,try not to beat yourself up about it,'tis a blip.smile

Youngnun - I was possibly a bit harsh on you, and for that I apologise. However, my first born was a boy and I could not love anything or anyone any more than I love him. I have a second child, who happens to be a girl who I equally adore. However, my love for them has nothing to do with their gender.

Sorry, however, my initial reaction was WHAT'S WRONG WITH A BOY, mine is to die for (to me!). So i was a little cross. And I shouldn't have been. And if you can't express your feelings here, then where can you? <eats humble pie emoticon>

I can't understand your disappointment, as I was never in your shoes, but please please rest assured, you will adore your gorgeous little boy with all your heart.

smile

madmomma Thu 27-Oct-11 20:26:10

You will adore your son OP, and whilst you might always love the idea of a daughter, you'll never want to change your little boy. Such a special relationship between a Mother and Son. X

IslaValargeone Thu 27-Oct-11 20:26:37

anonymousbird that's a really nice post.

TethHearseEnd Thu 27-Oct-11 20:30:25

Agreed- it takes guts to change your mind and apologise, anonymousbird. Lovely post smile

SheCutOffTheirTails Thu 27-Oct-11 20:31:10

You feel how you feel. It's not wrong to feel that way.

A bit silly? Sure, but you're pregnant with your first and full of hormones and going through so many changes to your body, and how you think of yourself.

You're allowed to have a day of confusion and sadness that you don't understand.

I can't relate to your experience today, because my hospital doesn't tell you the gender, so I've never had to face knowing the gender that early.

But despite never having any gender preference before being pregnant first time, I surprised myself when I realised once pregnant that I wanted a girl. Not even that I wanted one, but that I found it hard to imagine how incould have a boy. It was ridiculous, and I knew it, but there it was.

Your boy will be scrumptious, and when he's born you won't be disappointed.

Congratulations - you're soon to have a son smile

MrsDobalina Thu 27-Oct-11 20:31:35

Please don't feel ashamed - I think these are very normal feelings and probably much more common than people let on. Shows my ignorance, I'm surprised people get flamed when they are being brave enough to share something that's difficult to admit to oneself let alone anyone else.

I was also a bit disappointed when I found out Dc1 was a boy at the first scan. The biggest surprise was that I even had a gender preference as if you'd asked me 5 minutes before I found out I'd have truthfully said no.

In retrospect I think it's because a) I'm a girl and b) I only have a younger sister and so I found the unknown of a boy baby more daunting.

I loved having a boy and I honestly think boys seem easier to bring up than girls - less complicated! So much so I really, really wanted DC2 to be a boy at my scan - she wasn't and yes, I had the disappointment all over again in reverse grin

Joolyjoolyjoo Thu 27-Oct-11 20:31:52

Really, don't give yourself a hard time, OP- I'm sure it is more common than is admitted to (although I really don't get the fact that it seems to be that more people want a girl. I had genuinely always thought it would be the other way!)

All through my first pregnancy, I was sure I was having a boy. When dd was born, we didn't even bother to check, so sure were we! The midwife said eventually "don't you want to know what you've got?" and it was a real "A boy without a winkle???" moment blush My first concern was that DH would be disappointed as I thought he would have preferred a boy (like the OP he had a rough relationship with his dad which he would have liked to counter with a good relationship with his son) I needn't have worried- we both fell in love with dd straight off smile

My second pregnancy I felt was another girl, and I was right. I was delighted to have another girl, as I'd always wanted a sister. I got miffed at people asking if we would "try again, for a boy"

We did try again, fully expecting to have another girl- and we got ds!! This time round I was worried about how I would mother a boy, having no experience of them, no brothers etc. But actually ds is the one who is most "like" me. I sometimes feel I understand him better than the girls, so gender really won't be an issue.

Congratulations on your boy-to-be! smile

hubbahubster Thu 27-Oct-11 20:32:30

OP, another positive post about having a son here. My situation is different - DH's family is very boy-heavy so I never even considered that I might have a girl. When we first got together I was kind of sad that it looked unlikely that I'd have a daughter. But once I got pregnant and the scan confirmed it was a boy, I was totally excited. As one of my friends said, no one will ever love me like DS will. Your son will judge all women with you as the benchmark - how ace is that? Plus I can't wait for DH to be able to take DS out camping and doing boy things. And I feel nothing but relief that I won't have to put a girl through the horror of other bitchy teen girls. Boys are so much more straightforward!

chipmonkey Thu 27-Oct-11 20:34:39

YoungNun, I was a bit shocked and upset to find that ds1 was a boy.
My family mostly had girls too and I think I had a preconceived notion that girls were nicer and easier.
Ds1 was a gorgeous baby and is now 15 and the loveliest, easiest boy. As are ds2, ds3 and ds4! Not one of them has ever given me any trouble.
I did have a little dd but she died this month aged 7 weekssad It was lovely to have her for a little while though.

BrianAndHisBalls Thu 27-Oct-11 20:35:58

anonymous - that's really nice smile

MrsCampbellBlack Thu 27-Oct-11 20:36:55

Anonymous - agree thats a really nice post.

And this is the nicest thread I've read on this subject on mn - was a really sad one a few weeks ago which got very nasty sadly.

skidd Thu 27-Oct-11 20:37:53

OP I felt like this and what really helped me was reading threads on here about how wonderful having boys is - will try and find them and link to them...

Just wanted to say that the 20 week scan is at an evil time - right when the 5 month hormone attack hits - I had such awful depression for about two weeks I went into meltdown, then I was fine again. It's easy to say from the other side of it, but things will calm down again and you will come to terms and look forward to the little baby you're having smile
x

TethHearseEnd Thu 27-Oct-11 20:42:16

It's great, isn't it MrsCampbell? That other thread was the first and only time MN genuinely upset me. So good to see reasoned views here.

YoungNun Thu 27-Oct-11 20:46:55

Thanks, anonymousbird. That means a lot. Don't eat any humble pie at all, or I'll start crying again, and I already look like a pumpkin, my face is so swollen.

MrsDobalina, that's exactly it. I genuinely didn't know I was harbouring a gender preference. Two minutes before the sonographer asked whether we wanted to know, I was frantically asking questions about developmental markers and indicators for chromosomal disorders and being dazed with relief.

peeoffkitty Thu 27-Oct-11 20:53:34

So sorry for your loss chipmonkey. sad

Crosshair Thu 27-Oct-11 20:56:57

I would say its pretty normal, I felt the same way for about a week after finding out. I thought of it as mourning the loss of an idea before getting excited about my little person.

lerees Thu 27-Oct-11 20:58:35

I was gutted when they scanned me and they thought baby was a boy. We left the hospital with me telling my husband "shut up, you did this to me, i wanted a girl and your useless sperm has given me a boy". Seriously, I was a nightmare.

We booked a private scan for later that afternoon, and they confirmed baby was a boy. But when I knew for sure I felt better. And after a trip to a baby boutique and the reminder that my favorite colour is blue I came out of my downer.

I had even spotted a stunning Emile et Rose pink dress that I was determined to buy..... Even if baby was a boy.... I swear, it was that gorgeous! I had been convinced that girls clothes were so much more fun.

But after planning the nursery and buying a few things in blue or funky little outfits, I came around to the thinking that boys were more fun to buy for. And the boys things are much more practical while being cute or trendy. Where as the girls little frillies are gorgeous, but very impractical.

Don't feel bad, it's normal to feel let down when you have wanted a girl so badly. All the best for a healthy baby and healthy you. xx

YoungNun Thu 27-Oct-11 21:04:50

Oh, chipmonkey, I'm so sorry.

chipmonkey - so sorry to hear that. sad

Secondtimelucky Thu 27-Oct-11 21:13:14

I think it's pretty common, and I sometimes wonder whether finding out at the scan is helpful.

When I had DD1 I knew I harboured something of a preference for a girl. I felt bad about it, but I just always imagined myself with at least one girl. I deliberately didn't find out the sex, and part of the reason was that feeling. I knew that, in the moment that I met my baby, it would't matter the tiniest bit. And it didn't. It didn't cross my mind on the day. But I think that, if I had found out in isolation, I might have had a day or two of feeling like you, and beating myself up about it.

Of course, now I have two DDs and sometimes feel sad for the son I may never have. I'm an ungrateful cow really. Really want a no. 3- but not to have a boy, just because I feel I'm finally getting the hang of having babies!

Secondtimelucky Thu 27-Oct-11 21:14:10

Chipmonkey - I have seen your news on other threads. I just wanted add that I am so sorry for your loss.

So very sorry for your loss chipmonkey.

OP, just to echo what everyone else is saying, you will love your wee boy when you finally get him. There's no accounting for your feelings during pregnancy, mine certainly go haywire, in fact I spend the whole nine months wishing I wasn't pregnant at all, due to hyperemesis, and feeling incredibly guilty about it, but I love both my dd's more than I thought possible. I'm having a boy this time round, and am so very nervous, just because it's a walk into the unknown!

Do you think you maybe feel like this because it has become more real to you? Obviously you were very worried about any problems with your pregnancy, suddenly, its not just a thing, iyswim, but an actual baby boy in there. I know for me it all became so much more real when I found out the gender.

skidd Thu 27-Oct-11 21:19:54
suzikettles Thu 27-Oct-11 21:25:44

I didn't know what gender I was having before ds was born and wouldn't let myself really think about it much (some weirdy hormonal desire not to "let down" the baby I was having by wishing/thinking about a baby of the opposite gender hmm).

Anyway, I was delighted with ds who is amazing and I wouldn't change for anything in the world, but yeah, I'll admit to mourning a bit for the girl I didn't have. Would it have been the same the other way round? Maybe but I'm not sure actually. I wonder if it's something about a baby in your own image? That you think about a girl who would be like you? There's the whole mother-daughter-special-bond stuff as well, and I have a lovely relationship with my mum which is different from the one she has with my brother.

But the reality is that boys are wonderful and I'm so lucky to have my son. You will adore your little guy smile

Stay123 Thu 27-Oct-11 21:25:47

You will love your little boy totally and utterly. I have 2 little boys and definitely get the feeling from certain people that I should feel disappointed somehow. They are lovely little chaps and don't think you can generalise about the sexes. I think little girls are perceived as being less willful and kinder, etc, but I have certainly met quite a few little ladies that most definitely aren't. Also you imagine lovely shopping trips together when she is older but me and my mum never got on and some teenage girls are a nightmare.

heather1980 Thu 27-Oct-11 21:33:46

i think it's normal, when i was pregnant with with ds2 and i found out that i was having a 2nd son, i was disappointed, but not because it was a boy in that i wanted a dd, but because i could never imagine loving another son as much as i loved ds1.
i have a much easier relationship with ds1 than dd.
my eldest is a dd and she is such a daddys girl i barely get a look in, ds1 is 3 and at the moment a complete mummys boy, which i shall enjoy whilst it lasts. ds2 is only 13 months and showing no preference to either of us!

sybilfaulty Thu 27-Oct-11 21:40:35

OP, I was so disappointed when I found out DS was a boy, as I had 2 girls and adore them. I also love doing typically feminine things so was worried about what I would do with a boy.

I could not have been more wrong. My young fellow is the most wonderful boy, so full of character and fun. My girls are far rowdier. I truly understand how it feels but I promise you that your boy will be wonderful.

Don't worry. You need time to adjust to the news but in a few days or weeks you will get excited and then you won'[t be able to wait to see him. My son will be 3 in 4 weeks and I can't believe how it has flown.

I hope all these boy stories are making you feel better. Take care.

grumpypants Thu 27-Oct-11 21:49:43

Y'know, every morning, ds3 climbs into bed, half asleep, pushing dh out the way, mumbles 'I wuff you mummy' and faLls asleep diagonally across me. Its probably the lovliest bit of my day! Its silly to think parenthood is the same, whatever gender you have. You need to get to know your local parks, to climb proof your house, to get to know other mums of boys. Its not the same - its all very well taling of tomboy girls and ballet loving boys etc. Just be aware that he will definitely love you above all other women for a very long time.

smartyparts Thu 27-Oct-11 21:53:15

I don't get this as I desperately wanted, and got, boys grin.

But if I'd got girls - fine.

If you need to hear how great boys are - they are absolutely divine - beguiling, hilarious and they love their mums so much it's overwhelming. With a son, you will never be short of someone telling you how beautiful you are or noticing when you're dressed up to go out.

My eldest is now 13 and tells me he loves me several times a day, hugs me and has just given me a foot rub. He is such great company and we can walk for 2 hours with the dog and not run out of stuff to chat about. He and his brother are my greatest pride and joy.

Boys rock smile

MollyMurphy Thu 27-Oct-11 22:02:38

Sorry your upset OP. I think I too was leaning toward wanting a girl but oooh our boy is so lovely - best child in the universe (no offence grin)

You'll feel the same, I'm sure of it. Think of all the fun boy toys; pirates/dinosaurs/spaceships oh my!....consider all those special mommy's boy hugs...and your house wont be covered in pepto bismol princess pink!!

Throw yourself into it and hopefully the disappointment will fade away amidst all the fun.

I'm another one who wanted a girl and got a boy.

I already had a DD and was so disappointed at the scan, although obviously relieved that he was healthy. I spent my whole pregnancy worried that I wouldn't love him properly when he was born. I had him by c-section and had a bad reaction to the morphine in the spinal and was a bit non-plussed by him once he was born tbh. He was a funny looking ugly little thing and I didn't feel the immeditate rush of love I did with DD.

BUT about 10pm that night I was asleep and heard a baby crying. I felt really irritated by the noise and then realised that it was my baby and therefore my responsibility. I dragged myself out of bed and looked over in to the little fishtank cot that you get in hospital, and there was the most beautiful little boy in the world smile He is nearly 8 months old now and the most wonderful baby that there has ever been grin . I honestly can't conceive why I thought I didn't want a little boy, because you see, he is not just any boy, he is my boy and the happiest, sunniest thing in my life smile

OP, you will adore him, I promise!

I remember being unable to imagine having a little boy when I was pregnant with my first, don't know why, maybe because I'm a girl???!!! Odd. Anyway, fast forward 4 years and I now have 3 DS's! They are all brilliant little boys, and so affectionate, great fun. I am currently struggling with feelings you describe though and I too feel dreadful about it. I have only discussed it with my DH as I would hate anyone to think I didn't love my boys, and I know how lucky I am to have 3 healthy children.

For me I'm finally having to face up to the possibility that I may not have a daughter after (secretly) hoping for one in my second and third pregnancies. I don't look at my boys and wish any of them was a girl, it's separate from that. I think it's that I never even imagined not having a mixture of genders, I hoped for three or four children and in my mind they would be boys and girls. Silly I know, but I can't help it. We are possibly going to try for a fourth in a couple of years but first I have to get over this 'mourning of my imagined family' and embrace being a mum of only boys, something I never saw myself as, and still don't if I'm honest. I know that if we were to have a fourth boy that I would adore him, that has never been an issue, but I worry that I will always feel like I am missing someone.

You will love your baby boy when he arrives OP, but I do understand how you feel and I also understand the shame you feel, it is horrible.

GirlWithTheMouseyHair Thu 27-Oct-11 22:09:06

I've only skim read but am pretty much going to say the same as everyone else.

I already have DS and actually really wanted another boy, so was disappointed and shocked to find out we're having a girl, am stil trying to get my head around it and I'm 4 weks away from due date now. I feel utterly guilty and very unfeminist to be disappointed to be having a girl, especially when I already have a boy

It's not something you can control at all, but I think good to know now and give yourself time to get used to the idea. Agree with makecakes that I was also most hormonal in this pregnancy at that stage which definately contributed to my negative feelings.

Boys are awesome, and your post has made me mourn a little bit all over again for the 2nd son I won't have....which is ridiculous but there we go!

So sorry for your loss chipmonkey

SoupDragon Thu 27-Oct-11 22:32:46

The thing to remember is that you don't get a boy/girl, you get your boy/girl.

I'm glad I found out with DS2 and DD as any disappointment was over and done with by the time they were born (and DS2 was born only 5 days or so after I found out by accident). Don't feel ashamed, deal with your of disappointment and then look forward to meeting your son.

cherrysodalover Thu 27-Oct-11 22:38:47

I think everyone has a preference and you will adore your ds when he arrives.

I am hoping our second is a boy- to join our first boy as I just really like being a mum to a boy and secretly feel sorry when people just have one girl- which I realise is ridiculous.I think you get used to what you have and friends who have older boys seem to have much more uncomplicated relationships to those that have teenage girls so I have got my little prejudice going on.
I am sure I would love a girl just as much but feel more excited at the prospect of a boy somehow.
You will love what you have - you really will. Celebrate all the positives of boys- there are many!

PamBeesly Thu 27-Oct-11 22:41:17

YoungNun I found out yesterday that I'm having a boy. I've felt all along that I was carrying a boy I don't know why some instinct told me it wasn't a girl. I was overjoyed. I'm not telling you this to make you feel bad but I wanted to tell you some reasons why

Little boys are so affectionate and full of love for their mothers
You have the power and influence to shape a wonderful young man
You made him

Ok so they apply to girls too but I just want to get you excited about your son. He is your son a beautiful tiny little boy forming inside you, with nothing but pure love for you. I love that thought.

I would have been equally happy if I was told it was a girl because I feel I know the little baby better now. I'm always chatting away to him and singing to him (badly and usually Lady Gaga) you probably just got a shock is all, wait for the excitment to kick in and congratulations!

P.S. you have a teeny tiny penis growing inside you grin

lollystix Thu 27-Oct-11 22:50:22

Op - I felt this way after scan with ds1. Then I remember a few days later being at work and a colleague brought in her 3 month old boy and he was just gorgeous. I'd only been really looking at girl babies. From then on I started to look at the boys and it really helped me attach to him and the idea of a boy.

Fast forward 5 years and I'm typing whilst feeding my 4th son who is 2 weeks.
Yes a girl would have been nice for a change but they are all so different and unique in their characters and they really do love their mums. Someone once posted on one of these threads that if you are a MOB then at least you're the only princess in the house - I'm not princessy but I do feel special being the only girl amongst 5 males in the house.

Plus you learn amazing facts about dinosaurs, sharks, star wars etc that you never knew beforewink.

Give yourself some time and don't be too hard on yourself. You'll be amazed how much you adore him when he's here.

MrsLovettsChiddelyPie Thu 27-Oct-11 22:53:12

More support for you here too. I could have written this OP myself so had to respond and let you know you are not alone and please don't beat yourself up about it. at 20 weeks your body and mind is hormone central and finding out the sex is momentous news so be kind to yourself.

Try looking at it another way, your disappointment could be unconsciously fuelled because you want to have the best time with your child and, as you only have your own girl's childhood experience to go on, the fear is a reaction to not knowing about boyhood, so not being able to make his childhood as good as possible. Without even knowing it, how you will relate to your child is already worrying you. If you think along those lines all it shows is what a dedicated, wonderful, brilliant and considerate mum you are going to be.

We were told I was having a boy at 2nd scan too and we could see very well on the screen. It was very exciting to see him healthy, moving about inside me and his bits and pieces, but then as we left the hospital something clicked I burst into tears because we were having a boy. I cried for hours.

Instantly the guilt flooded in about why I would feel like that and I got tied in knots analysing it, blurting out to DH that I wouldn't know what to do with a boy, he would prefer my DH/rough and tumble, and (worst of all) my own DF had always expressed his disappointment that I was a girl and he had no son, and that he would be delighted there was finally a worthwhile boy for him to be happy about (this is odd as I am estranged from my DF).

My fear subsided after a few days, after I focused on having a healthy baby and started to look at 'stuff, activities and whatnot for boys' and a few 'how to raise boys' books which was very helpful. Within a week all was back to normal and my head was almost in the right place again.

Once he arrived all was well. I adore my DS and would not change him for the world. He is who he is, they all have their own personalities regardless of sex anyway. My small DS is strong, funny, gentle, noisy, kind, brave, bright, I could type on and on about how great having a little boy is but I think I've prattled on long enough grin. We have a sailing boat made of cardboard and pretended to be lions today, what could be better.

Congratulations, you're going to be a mum.

ChinaInYourHands Thu 27-Oct-11 23:00:08

Try and focus on all the positive male role models you have had in your life. You have the opportunity to raise a wonderful boy who will grow up to be like one of those men you have loved and admired. Boys rock!

peasizedbladder Fri 28-Oct-11 08:59:22

I think it is normal and natural, you think your life will turn out one way and it doesn't, that takes some time to get your head around. We have two gorgeous DS's (who are absolute opposites so I don't believe in gender generalisations), just pregnant with no3. Whilst I insisted That we didn't find out the sex of the first two, we will find out this time so i can get my head around it (there is no way we will try for no 4 so this is our last chance for a girl)!

I get around the clothes issue (boys clothes are def not as nice as girls) by spending more on decent clothes, they are out there you just have to look harder for them! There also are loads of dresses in the shops in a really grim shade of pink!

Both our boys love baking btw!

I had ten boys round yesterday for a footy and tea afternoon with DS (who is 7) and they were kinda crazy and overexcited but were a hoot. Soooo funny. We sat down for tea and this bunch of 6 and 7year old boys took it in turns to tell jokes, sing songs and (oh yes) recite poems. There was also a lot of shouting and all that, but I wouldn't have it any other way. And they really look out for each other, someone slips up playing footy? At least 2 others are straight there to make sure their friend is ok. Really adorable.

I have to say, I really enjoyed their company. They were all gorgeous.

And my 7yo DS always pipes up with "Mummy you look lovely" and "Can I help you with that" and just generally be a complete poppet. He adores food and cooking and music and art and books as well as being a typical boy playing football, rugby and getting muddy. He's my little all rounder. DH is away and so DS and DD have taken it in turns to sleep in with me, and last night was DS's turn and never have I been happier to lie awake in the middle of the night just listening to him breathe and snuffle and then shuffle in for a good cuddle....

IssyStark Fri 28-Oct-11 09:25:27

I know that if the one I'm currently cooking turns out to be a boy I will be disappointed as I would have liked one of each but on the other hand I quite like the idea of being a MoB (mother of boys). (we chose not to find out the gender in either pregnancy)

So okay you can't get to dress them up in pretty dresses, but I regularly cook and bake with my son (who'll be 5 in December), I hope I've inculcated a liking of dressing up smart when the occasion warrants it (eBay is great for picking up really nice, baby boy shirts - we've got piles of floral shirts for him there), he certainly compliments me if he thinks what I'm wearing is nice. But on the other hand he loves playing rough and tumble and I love joining in!

The thing is, it's your baby and you will get to learn what makes them tick, boy or girl because they are themselves, individuals. I can already tell that no. 2 is a different character to the garklet because it behaves differently in the womb.

You'll love your baby whatever the gender and there's nothing wrong with grieving for the daughter you won't have this time.

MumblingAndBloodyRagDoll Fri 28-Oct-11 09:29:45

Boys like baking! I have yet to meet a 5 or 6 year old boy who ates baking cakes....they also love ressing up and they're funny! DH and I have 2 girls and we think we're done with baby making but we long for a little boy....I dream of him sometimes....I can actually see his hair....you have the baby you're meant to have. It'll be fine.

Becaroooo Fri 28-Oct-11 09:30:56

Your son wont be "a boy"

He will be your boy

And - eventually - you will love him more than you have ever (or will ever) love anything or anyone again.

x

SweetGrapes Fri 28-Oct-11 09:43:45

I was devastated when I found out I was having a baby boy with ds1. (Yup, got 2 of them now grin)
My family is all girls and I only have nieces, dc1 was dd so I 'didn't do boys'.
But I was fine and gender has nothing to do with the love I feel for him. He's 5 now and ds2 is almost 1.
I cried and laughed when I found out ds2 was a boy. Sad for dd to not have a sister and happy to have 2 ds's.
You'll be fine. They're all lovely! smile

mumt1 Fri 28-Oct-11 09:53:59

Just thought I'd add to! I have a beautiful little boy, he's 2 n half. N I wouldn't swap him for the world. He's been so easy n he's such a happy well mannered little boy. Yes he's boisterous and he does like to play fight but that's his dad as he starts it! Lol. Its just stereotypical. Not all girls sit quietly and play, like not all boys are boisterous, like my nephew, same age as my son, he'll just sit and watch tele and play quietly ALL day. When he sees my son, running around laughing he looks at him and gives a wierd look. Some are placid and some are outgoing, mines outgoing n I love it about him, he has fun and he's happy and very healthy. That's all that counts. I'm preg with number 2, and most ppl wud want one of both sexes, bt I'm not bothered as I find a boy is so much fun!makes me laugh everyday without a doubt. Ul come round, just think of the positives, trust me there's many!

thousandDenier Fri 28-Oct-11 10:01:34

Becaroo is absolutely right. When he arrives you will love him so completely and fiercely that gender will be of no consequence whatsoever.

Don't be ashamed, we all have dark thoughts, it's just that you have been brave enough to put yours into words.

You have had many kind and thoughtful perspectives on here and I do hope this feeling passes for you.

I personally don't understand it at all.

If you want to get some perspective, have a look at the miscarriage board or the long term trying to conceive board. I am not having a go at you, honestly, but sometimes I think it helps to be reminded to count your blessings, you are going to have a healthly baby and many would give their right arm for that, whatever the gender.

Eggrules Fri 28-Oct-11 10:08:16

I didn't find out the gender in advance and was really shocked to have a boy. Like you I hadn't given gender much of a thought. I think it was easier to imagine having a girl because I am female. I love my DS and am very happy to have had a boy. I don't think that one gender is easier than another. Don't worry about it, you will find loads to play. Congratulations

YoungNun Fri 28-Oct-11 10:24:32

Farfallarocks - I know you are absolutely right.

Thanks to everyone for their kindness. Immediately after I posted yesterday, I panicked and was about to have the thread taken down for fear of condemnatory responses (and I would have entirely understood why people felt like that because I was so disgusted at myself), but I'm very glad I ddn't. Quite apart from the substance of what you all said - which I am thinking hard about and really appreciate - it's good to know there are so many kind people who are prepared to share their own experiences with a anonymous hormonal wreck on the internet.

timetoask Fri 28-Oct-11 10:42:06

And with this disappointment starts your very first parenting lesson: you have to accept your children the way they are.
Because, later on you may find that he doesn't enjoy sport, or he is not academic, or he has a personality different to what you expected.

My boys are soooo lovely. You will love him to bits!

ilianora Fri 28-Oct-11 10:57:33

Boys are absolutely brilliant. They are so loveable and in a way they are less independant than girls so they want to be 'mothered' for longer. Boys are also a lot more straight forward because they are more laid back. Knowing what I was like as a teenager made me wish for a boy.
All that said, I know it probably wont change the way your feeling until your ready to be ok with it. Don't feel ashamed because feelings of shame will get in the way of you coming to terms with the idea of having a beautiful baby boy, and eventually being excited about it.
I think choosing a name and using it when you talk to your bump will help you to bond with your baby so maybe you can do that.
You will love your baby. youve got plenty of time to come to terms with it and remember not to feel guilty - your hormones are probably making you more tearful
x

duzida Fri 28-Oct-11 11:03:06

I didn't know the sex till my baby was born, I had a slight preference for a girl (don't really know why), we saw he was a boy, for about 2 seconds I though 'oh, it's not a girl', and then because I was looking at this amazing baby that had just come out of me, and we couldn't believe he was really ours, I thought 'oh, but you're perfect anyway!' and I've never looked back. All boys are different anyway, don't assume yours will be rough/shouty/messy if you know other little boys who are like that. My now-toddler boy is actually really gentle not a yeller or a biter or a shover! When you see your baby, even if you think you're not over the disappointment right up to the last minute, you will very likely fall in love with him immediately or very soon. boys clothes are a bit boring, but apart from that, they're pretty great

Bumpsadaisie Fri 28-Oct-11 11:06:10

I think there has been a big shift. People now seem to value girls more, and at the same time my grandmothers generation prefer boys! When she heard DC2 was a boy she said "I'll tell your grandfather, he will be thrilled" and "well, this is going to be a big change for DD isn't it now she will have a BOY in the family!" angry

I'm thrilled to be having a son and confess I'm very glad to have one of each.

EEEEKinthebeeswax Fri 28-Oct-11 11:13:51

I was also shocked to discover I was having a boy, as was covinced it was a girl!
I now have the most amazing little boy and yes, I too feel guilty for feeling a bit negative.

SomekindofSpanish Fri 28-Oct-11 11:17:44

*And with this disappointment starts your very first parenting lesson: you have to accept your children the way they are.
Because, later on you may find that he doesn't enjoy sport, or he is not academic, or he has a personality different to what you expected.*

^^ this.

I have 3 DSs, two of which are stereotypical, weapon-mad, car-mad, noise-mad, always running boys. I also have one that does these things a lot less and prefers sitting reading, drawing, talking to me, etc. I wanted sons like DS1 and DS3, so DS2 perplexed me somewhat grin. However, I love all 3 to bits and am glad I have this calm island in the middle of the two crazy ones.

As others have said, you are getting a son, but also a child with its own personality. Enjoy him smile

RingtailedLemur Fri 28-Oct-11 11:17:49

Hi there,

I'm in a very similar position to you - I had a preference for a girl
but found out 2 weeks ago at my anomaly scan that I'm having a boy.

I had thought it was only a slight preference but I have to admit I had to hold back the tears when the midwife told me and my husband the news. My husband is delighted about it and I haven't felt fully able to share my feelings about it. He knows I'm mildly disappointed but that's all. (I'm hoping his enthusiasm will rub off on me.)

I too feel ashamed about my feelings - it just seems so wrong to be disappointed about the news. And just because you know on a rational level, that it's nothing to be ashamed of, doesn't make it any better. I think this is something that you need to process over time.

There's lots of good advice on this thread - I have come to many of the same conclusions in the couple of weeks since I found out. I agree totally with the point made about how useful it is to find out the sex before the baby is born. It would be a whole lot more difficult to have to process these feelings after the birth.

Now that I've had some time to digest the news, I'm feeling a lot better about it (hopefully you will too). I think it's totally normal to 'mourn' the girl or boy that you now know you won't be having (regardless of whether you had a preference for one sex or other). Don't expect to feel enthusiastic about your forthcoming son straight away - it will come in time. Just try to trust that positive feelings will develop. I don't expect my negative feelings to go away straight away but I'm putting my faith in the fact that I will feel differently once he's born. All these ladies can't be wrong!

I'm trying to think about the fact that having a boy is going to be great too - it just won't be quite the experience you or I had imagined. There is nothing wrong with you (or me!) - it's just going to take some time to adjust to the idea.

pruney1977 Fri 28-Oct-11 11:26:28

Haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to say that I'm sure that as your pregnancy progresses this initial reaction will dissipate and once your baby is born, you won't even remember you felt that way and you'll love your gorgeous little boy just as much as you would a girl.
I can completely empathise as I always had a preference for a girl (mainly because i just don't "get" boys - I don't think they're easier judging by the boys in my family lol) and as such, we decided not to find out the sex as I'm sure that once I've had the baby, I won't care. Plus, as my pregnancy has progressed (now 32+2), I've cared less and less about what sex my baby is because I've bonded with him/her now and I just can't wait to meet the little person growing inside me (and to see if she/he does that weird 3 sudden kick thing on the outside as well).

cakeymakey Fri 28-Oct-11 11:29:12

I found out I am having my third DS on Tuesday....having spent 10 years on IVF I am so happy that I have a family that at one point in my life seemed so impossible, but it still didn't stop a pang of disappointment on being told the news, that I will never have a daughter.

Don't feel that you should feel bad or ashamed about it - acknowledge those feelings, then move on - fill your days buying lovely boys things, choosing names and preparing for his arrival. He'll be more gorgeous than you can possibly imagine right now, so don't dwell on what might have been, celebrate what is!

mediawhore Fri 28-Oct-11 11:31:42

I am currently struggling with the same issue.

It is pathetic, selfish, ungrateful, irrational etc etc etc - esp as I already have 2 girls - but am having an issue with number 3 being a boy. I just can't help it.

I have got some lovely lovely friends who have been helping me with these feelings and I am getting there slowly. It is helping that we are now buying stuff for the baby and planning his arrival.

I feel so guilty and ashamed also for feeling like this as have some friends who are struggling to conceive their first.

I have been assured that once he pops out these concerns will fade away.

DejaWho Fri 28-Oct-11 11:42:41

I'm sorry - I can't have any sympathy.

I'm one of those who've been through years and years of hell to get to the point of having a viable pregnancy (still not out of the woods yet). When you're crying yourself to sleep night after night over the course of seven years of fertility problems and miscarriages and grief and pain - you tend to have little sympathy for people who won't get to paint a bedroom pink to be honest.

You cannot begin to imagine how offensive and upsetting these threads are to those who've been to hell and back to even get to dream of being a mother.

deja I know how you feel and I am so sorry you have had to go through this, I am so pleased things are looking up for you a little bit.
I am still on my journey too and I can;t understand it, I really can;t.

jumpingjackhash Fri 28-Oct-11 11:56:02

I'm with Deja amd farfallarocks on this. Years of struggling (and failing) to conceive, the emotional and physical stress of fertility treatment and a very recent lost pregnancy.

I must admit to struggling to understand how disappointing it is. I'd be delighted with either, tbh.

Fayrazzled Fri 28-Oct-11 12:01:23

The pain of infertility is terrible and heartbreaking. But that doesn't mean the OP's feeling aren't valid. After all, it's not as if she can help her feelings & she has already expressed how ashamed she feels. I think it's a bit mean to make her feel worse. You didn't need to open and read the thread after all.

Crosshair Fri 28-Oct-11 12:03:19

Because others have it 'harder' it doesnt mean people cant be upset about things that effect them. You don't have to be sympathetic or understand. I dont see how making others feel awful achieves anything.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Fri 28-Oct-11 12:05:58

Haven't read all the replies, but just wanted to add support to the OP and say, it's perfectly normal to feel how you feel.

FWIW I felt completely the opposite - I was determined I was having a boy, and really wanted a boy, and when we found out it was a girl, I cried. I too felt completely ashamed and guilty for feeling that way, but I was glad that I had found out to give me a chance to get to terms with it.

I did come to terms with it, and the way I saw it was that when they're inside you, and when they're first born, their gender is almost irrelevant. They're not a boy, they're not a girl, they're just purely and simply yours. And that is the most beautiful thing in the world.

I promise you, this will pass, and you will be more excited about this baby than you thought possible.

Good luck to you, and keep posting, it's what we're here for.

Eggrules Fri 28-Oct-11 12:07:19

Deja, Farall and Jumping I cannot imagine how you feel.

I agree with Fayrazzled that YoungNun is entitled to feel this way and to seek support if she wants.

jumpingjackhash Fri 28-Oct-11 12:08:56

I'm not trying to make YoungNun feel worse, just trying to say that in the scheme of things, is it really that bad to be having a boy? I think she's incredibly lucky to be having a healthy baby - she knows that too.

TethHearseEnd Fri 28-Oct-11 12:10:28

Genuine question to those who have struggled with infertility-

When a woman with PND claims not to love her baby, do you feel the same way, or is it easier to accept that she is not thinking rationally due to PND being a universally recognised condition?

I ask as there are parallels to be drawn. Speaking for myself, I suffered ante-natal and post natal depression and my thoughts were not rational. My feelings about the gender of my baby were a symptom of the hormonal/emotional mess I was in.

SayCoolNowSayWhip Fri 28-Oct-11 12:11:59

YoungNun is clearly not trying to make those with infertility problems feel worse, she's just trying to get support for how she feels.

I am in no way trying to detract from the anguish and stress that trying to conceive must have on those who are going through it, but it doesn't mean the OP is not entitled to her own support for however she is feeling.

tansypansy Fri 28-Oct-11 12:13:21

I have two sons, and very much hoped I would have a daughter at some point (but it was not to be). Both my boys are intelligent, fashion conscious, artistic, sporty and very loving. I sort of regarded it as my parenting mission to bring up two young men who would be decent, kind and generous people and tbh I would not prefer daughters if I could go back in time, but with my present experiences. I heard it said somewhere that the monst wonderful vairety of human being was a 5 year old boy, and I think it is true. OP, when he gives you the first mother's day card he has made at school I guarantee you will be happier than you can imagine.

Actually my post was to try and give the OP some perspective.

I think she knows its not rational?

Sometimes when I am feeling glum about life, I go and have a lurk on the relationships section and thank my lucky stars I have a lovely, thoughtful DH for example. It can sometimes help put your feelings or disppointment into perspective. Not designed to make the OP feel worse.

blueskydrinking Fri 28-Oct-11 12:24:54

I haven't read the whole thread but just wanted to share my experience - it might help?!

When I first found out I was pregnant, I also felt strongly that I had no preference at all over the sex of the baby. But I was convinced it was a girl and all the old wives theories suggested this too which just strengthened that feeling.

At the scan, turned out it was a boy. It felt...odd. I'm not sure if I cried but what I felt was almost a very mild form of grief... all the imagining I'd done to that point involved having a girl.

Anyway, I agree with others that I am HUGELY relieved about finding out before the baby arrived. Had a private scan just to make sure (so clearly a big deal at the time), then began to adjust to having a boy.

For me, it didn't take very long. Maybe a couple of weeks? Now DS is 2-and-a-bit, I couldn't love him more, and I'm actually half hoping that I have another boy as I'm not sure what to do with a girl!!!

brdgrl Fri 28-Oct-11 12:29:01

don't be ashamed! this has no bearing on how much you will love your son. it is about letting go of something you imagined, i think.

i did not have strong feelings either way before i knew - i had always imagined that i would have boys, and i have 7 absolutely beloved nephews - no girls in this generation! - but had been 'feeling' like it might be a girl. Obviously there was (is!) a tiny part of me that thought "ooh, i want to be the one to have the first granddaughter!"

but i was an 'older' mum with a high-risk pregnancy and hadn't thought i'd be able to have a baby at all. so i just wanted a healthy baby and when i thought about gender at all, i just went back and forth about which i hoped for.

the scan showed it was a girl. i was thrilled. but later i felt terribly sad, at the same time. maybe because i knew it was probably the only baby i was going to have and that was it, the little boy i could imagine was gone forever. (if they'd told me it was a boy, i probably would have felt the same way about my imaginary little girl!)

i have a sister who has three boys, as i mentioned. i know she also felt disappointment that her last was not a girl - not with her beautiful boy child, but with the gender as an abstract if you see what i mean, and i think you do!

anyway, i wouldn't worry. let yourself have the feelings, and move on.

MrsLovettsChiddelyPie Fri 28-Oct-11 12:38:32

Deja and Farfallarocks, I am so sad that you are going through so much, I reckon everyone here would absolutely agree what absolute hell TTC problems, miscarriage and bereavement are. Its highly likely that a fair few posters on this thread have horror stories either personal experience and/or family/friends, my heart goes out to you.

Noone has suggested that this thread could possibly diminish your problems in any way and you are quite right to offer perspective, I believe it is just a separate issue. Fears voiced, help requested, move on. It seems to be just one of the many issues some women have in pregnancy.

SoupDragon Fri 28-Oct-11 12:47:30

I have every sympathy for those struggling to conceive or carry to term. life can be really shit.

However, that doesn't mean that feelings like the OPs aren't valid and that they shouldn't post about them for support and advice. Most people know it is irrational and that they should be happy they have the prospect of a healthy baby but emotions aren't rational are they?

If threads like this upset you, you should click to hide them. Posting on them isn't helpful for anyone - you or the OP. I don't go on threads where people are whinging about ridiculous things their DP/H has done and say they should be pleased they've not married a selfish wanker who then fucked off. I hide or ignore them.

YoungNun Fri 28-Oct-11 12:48:22

Jumping, Deja and Farfalla - and anyone I'm missing out - I'm sincerely sorry to have caused any hurt to anyone who read this and has been unable to conceive or has a history of miscarriages. I am an older first-time mother who had been unsure I would be able to conceive, and I have friends who struggled unsuccessfully with IVF, and another couple I'm close to who had a miscarriage last year, also my sister is terribly upset by my pregnancy because her partner has two SN children from a previous marriage, and doesn't want them to have a child together.

The reason I posted on Mn rather than talking to friends or family is precisely what you have pointed out - because my feelings seem like an insult to their pain. Some of them are already struggling with the fact that someone they didn't expect to have a child has conceived, and my partner and I spent a lot of time thinking about the best way to tell people we knew were going to find it difficult.

I do understand how self-indulgent it looks, and it is that, more than anything, that makes me ashamed of myself.

blueskydrinking Fri 28-Oct-11 12:52:25

I also just wanted to agree with soupdragon and others who have posted - yes, there are people who are struggling to conceive and I can only imagine how hard that is.

But this is the pregnancy board and there are all kinds of feelings and worries and doubts which accost you even during a perfectly healthy pregnancy; just because others are going through 'worse' doesn't make them any less valid. OP has apologised for this right from the beginning but as is evident on the thread, it's a fairly common feeling.

readysteady Fri 28-Oct-11 13:00:43

i didn't find out until the birth but i was sooo happy and excited i had a boy a real rush of joy but the day after i was mourning the sister my first born wouldn't have! still thrilled with my boy but let myself have one day to feel sad for that, silly really but i let go of that thought and carried on loving my boy who is a absolute joy!

ceebie Fri 28-Oct-11 13:04:25

I'm afraid I haven't read all the posts - apologies.

Just wanted to say that I heard Jack Osbourne on the radio this morning saying "Don't all Dads want a boy?" Similarly many women would (secretly)love a girl. Perfectly normal. Fact is, once your baby arrives, you will wonder how you ever thought it, and couldn't imagine life any other way. I promise! In fact I don't think you will even have to wait that long to get excited, just give yourself a bit of time to get used to the idea.

spookshowangellovesit Fri 28-Oct-11 13:05:27

oh dear lovely i really wouldnt put any stress on your self over this you are entitled to you emotions and feelings in your experiences in life just as everyone else is, there are reasons behind you feeling the way you do try not to let it upset you to much and enjoy the rest of your pregnancy.
i had two girls and i had my scan and found out i was having a boy and was not happy.
i had issues its true about past stuff but to be honest there are more important things to beat yourself up over than if you felt a bit of disappointment over the sex of your child.
my son came and i love him to bits, and as i have said on other threads about this subject wishing a girl had been a boy or visa versa for a second or a little while is hardly the worse thing you will ever think about your child while it grows up.
wanting to throw he/she out the window for talking constantly is definitely worse.
when i found out i was pregnant again i wanted a boy and was a bit disappointed i was having a girl so go figure. shows how i have grown, i am an equal gender disappointist grin

mildertduck Fri 28-Oct-11 13:07:33

Agreed that the OP has every right to feel how she feels and to ask for support.

I don't know the sex yet (husband really wants to know and I'm not bothered enough not to find out) but I think I would need time to get used to the idea of having a girl. I've never imagined having a girl; I've always 'seen' my children being boys. It's probably environmental - almost all my friends have had boys - but it's there. I know ultimately it won't matter but thinking 'I could be having a girl' is very strange!

beatofthedrum Fri 28-Oct-11 13:11:32

I had a baby girl first and as she was so wonderful I secretly thought baby girls must be best. Then I had a baby son and he is so wonderful I see the only thing is true is that your children are best. To you. They are perfect cause they are yours and gender has nothing to do with it. There will be no room for anything but love so don't worry. Baby girls will seem irrelevant shortly cause there's your very own baby boy arriving. Wish I could show you mine at the moment chortling while eating his biscuit!

ThatllDoPig Fri 28-Oct-11 13:14:05

Nothing wrong with being honest with yourself and you are looking at all the reasons why you might feel like you do, and that is how self awareness and self development grow. This is a safe place to express those feelings out of real life. Tell you what though, you will love your baby so very very much more than you can imagine and the love will grow with your boy. This feeling is like a cloud floating past and one day you won't believe that you felt it. Really.

spooktrain Fri 28-Oct-11 13:25:36

I felt exactly the same ..... I now have two boys and I actually cried at the scan (oh the shame) when I found out no2 was a boy...I know it's terrible but I had always just seen myself as a mother of girls, more for the "bonding" I spose. I also knew that no2 was definitely my last so that was that. What can I say? I got over it, I adore my boys and I wouldn't have it any other way. And soon you will feel like that too.

If it's activities you're thinking of, although mine are both very sporty and outdoorsy, mud pies and tree-climbing types they also love baking, craft activities including sequins and glitter and sewing, shoe shopping on the net, dancing etc etc

If you like I can even PM you with all the advantages of boys wink(so as not to turn your thread into the usual bunfight)

eeyore2 Fri 28-Oct-11 13:31:21

I think women shouldn't beat themselves up about a bit of disappointment over finding out they are carrying a boy because although they don't talk about it much I recken men do the same the other way round. When DS was born I realised that I had been harbouring a secret desire for a girl and went through a hormonal weepy phase where I kept feeling like DS was viewed as the 'consolation prize' for not getting a girl (completely bonkers I know). Anyway we just found out that DC2 will be a girl and DH has been very quiet about it since. He had voiced a few concerns prior to the scan about girls such as "how will I know what clothes to get her dressed in?" and stuff like that. Another couple came round after their 20 week scan. We asked if they found out the sex and they said yes, it's a boy, and the DH did a 'victory dance'!!! By the way I am completely besotted with my son to the point where this morning despite the fact he was sleeping soundly I went to wake him up because I was desperate for a sleepy cuddle!

Kallisto Fri 28-Oct-11 13:32:48

I could have written that. We had our 20 wk scan yesterday and found out its a girl. I had to keep telling myself 'at least it's healthy' and managed to keep it together long enough to get out of the surgery before I burst into tears. DH isn't talking to me as he thinks I'm being ridiculous. I'm sure I am and it's just that I'm a crap mummy - and the baby isn't even here yet. But that doesn't stop the tears!

I've never wanted a girl, I told DH that and he says that's daft as all women want to have a daughter. Well, I don't. I don't even want another child at the moment, but that's beside the point. I'd managed to convince myself it would be all ok if it was a boy, even though I was certain it would be a girl. The other reason, and I darent tell DH this, is that MIL is going to be impossible. She's obviously never gotten over bil being a boy. She's bad enough with DS, but this is going to be awful. Maybe I'll just give it to her and be done with it. Since DS was born, she's been trying to buy him pink flowery outfits, and when I point out he's a boy she said they were for his sister. He wasn't even 10 days old.

I know it's evil and wrong, and after all the trouble we had to get DS should just be grateful, but I'm not. I tried buying some cute pink things today, but that hasn't changed anything. I don't even like our girl's name anymore!

I've been told 3 times now that it's the "perfect" combination. Really? It was bad enough having to do the whole 'I'm so happy to be pg' when we told everyone, I don't know if I can manage it a second time." o yay, it's a girl" does that sound convincing? Thought not. I can't think of one good thing about having a girl.

mrsrvc Fri 28-Oct-11 13:46:14

I can empathise with this, but in a very different way. Throughout my first pregnancy I was desperately hoping that my baby would be a girl. We didn't find out, and tbh honest I think I really knew that he was a boy. However, when he was born, there was a birth accident, a shoulder dysctocia, and when he came out the reality of whether the baby was ok, was more important than the fact that he was a boy. We sadly lost our ds a week later due to a lack of oxygen causing brain damage. It really made me see that it is not the sex, its the healthy happy child that is the most important.
Having said that, when I was pregnant with ds2 we found out at 16w that he was a boy and I was so relieved as by then I desperately wanted a son. Not to make up for the baby we had lost, but because I wanted to have a son.
This is DC3 and we are having a girl. I admit that again I had hoped for a boy, so that ds2 would have a brother, and it is a bit unreal that we will have a girl. I am however thrilled that I am having a baby who is developing normally, and hopefully we will get to bring home and raise. Having a girl will bring new challenges and new experiences and I cannot wait for all of that.

It does sting when I hear someone being so sad that they are having a little boy, but I try t think back to the me who was first pregnant and how desperate I was for a girl.

Honestly, boys are wonderful (as I am sure girls are), and the miracle that we get to have these incredible babies in our lives should really ourway the preference for gender.

x

BabyAcorn Fri 28-Oct-11 13:53:53

Young Nun, sending you a hug right now...

When trying for a baby, in my head I had thought god I really hope it's a girl. Ive all brothers, all male cousins, hubby, step son and even the dog is male. I was really worried about 'not loving baby etc' if i did fall pregnant.

As soon as i found out I was pregnant, it all passed away. It's healthy and ive 3 weeks to go and cant wait for whatever.

It's so easy to say dont get upset, but I kind of get where your coming from. All I would say is, my niece sadly passed away when she was little, she has been my only girl in the family for years, is not here now and we all miss her dearly. I feel so happy that baby is fine and well like yours, and when it boils down to it, just keep thinking about that, how lucky we are to even have a baby in our tummys, when some women just cant.

As soon as your handsome little chap arrives, you will forget all about your other feelings, Im sure. Dont be embarrassed because as i said before, i was worried before about it being a boy, but now, i am totally fine.

Hope your ok and sending hugs xx

karron Fri 28-Oct-11 13:54:13

I never found out before DS was born what sex he was and was disappointed not to have a girl but he's brilliant! Am still a little jealous when freinds get to dress their little girls in pretty clothes while my choice is monkeys or dinosaurs! Am now pregnant again and think will find out the sex at 20 week scan as want to know if it's a girl or not.

stubbornstains Fri 28-Oct-11 13:54:41

I was so upset when I found out I was having a boy that the midwife called me up, all worried, because the sonographers had called her, worried because I had been crying so hysterically at the hospital (I went for the scan on my own.)

In fact, TetHearseEnd, what you said about the link between AND and over-reaction to finding out the sex strikes a chord- I'm sure I had AND.

I was really really worried because my child's father has decided not to be in the picture, and I thought a boy would need a role model.

Well, DS is 20 months old now, and I couldn't wish for a more lovely child. Truly, he has been the easiest baby I know, and is such a wonderful character. You can't really envisage it before you actually meet your baby, but he will turn out to be the most wonderful child in the world to you, and you will look back in disbelief that you ever wanted him to be at all different.

Mind you, i still worry about role models etc etc, but I guess we'll cross that bridge when we come to it....

BabyAcorn Fri 28-Oct-11 13:54:51

PS: Dont listen to horrible comments on here, some people are just nasty with no emotions. I had it on here too, just ignore them smile

sybilfaulty Fri 28-Oct-11 13:56:18

I'm very sorry to hear about your son MrsRVC.

beatofthedrum Fri 28-Oct-11 15:50:53

mrsrvc so very sorry to hear about your first little boy. x

SausageSmuggler Fri 28-Oct-11 16:53:48

MrsRVC sorry to hear about your little boy.

OP I had a similar reaction when I found out I was having a boy - it wasn't that I wanted a girl as such it was more that i'd convinced myself that was what we were having. I felt awful for a couple of days thinking 'what do you do with a boy??' but once I got my head round the idea and realised the things we could share (cartoons, dinosaurs etc) I was thrilled. Now DS is a year old and I love him more than anything. Got my next scan for DC2 next week and will be over the moon with either but i'm now thinking 'what would I do with a girl?' haha!

NotQuiteSoDesperate Fri 28-Oct-11 17:40:56

Don't worry too much, OP. I think I felt very similar feelings to you when I had our two DSs many years ago. In those days, though, we didn't find out the gender in advance. I was totally shocked to give birth to boys - I had a picture in my mind of the little girl I would have - with curly hair and a love of reading (a mini-me in other words).

However, 20 years on and I am so glad I had boys. They are both lovely (most of the time) and I am very close to both of them. DS2 is a great young man with real emotional intelligence and we spend a lot of time together (or did until he went to Uni). DS1 is also very affectionate although less understanding as he has ASD.

But DH didn't get his "mini-mes" either n- neither of them are like him at all!

brdgrl Fri 28-Oct-11 19:55:07

anyway, all this about not being able to buy pretty things for your boy is silly! - and flame away if you like - but my DD wears her boy cousins' clothes and is currently going through a dinosaur fascination...the last toy i bought her was a plastic digger...i do the same things with her i've done with each of my nephews as toddlers. meanwhile, one of her boy cousins loves sparkly rainbows and pink clothes. two christmases ago i got him an e-z-bake oven. for birthdays he asks for art supplies, not sports equipment. sure, there are experiences unique to each gender - but your kid is going to be an inidvidual, not a gender.

cairnterrier Fri 28-Oct-11 20:06:42

OP am not sure if this will help or not, but try not to think in terms of having a girl or a boy but having a baby. Babies can be hard work no matter what sex they are. They can also be wonderful, life affirming and grounding. To start with, it really doesn't matter what sex they are - think of all the unisex babies clothes that are around, how many truly unisex adult clothes do you see? They still all need feeding, clothing, loving (and nappy changing!).

Later on, when maybe the differences start to become a bit more obvious, well by that stage, he'll be your son, and you'll be his only Mum. You will understand each other like nothing else. I suspect that you won't even really be aware of his sex, just that he's a part of you that's now walking around in the big wide world.

Also, how you feel during pregnancy can change instantly when that tiny, wriggling, brand new person that you've grown inside you for the past 9 months, lands in your arms, looks up at you for the first time and you realise that you can now call yourself a Mummy.

Don't be too hard on yourself, acknowledge your feelings, acknowledge that you are feeling VERY hormonal right now and go with the flow. You are going to be just fine.

FrightNight Fri 28-Oct-11 20:33:34

OP hope you're feeling a bit more chipper by now. I wonder whether we all imagine that our first children will be DD's without actually being able to actually form that notion as a conscious thought? I think there maybe something in that.

Heres what I do know. The first thought I had after the surprise (didn't know before) that the baby was a DS was "I love you more than anything in the world".

Boys aren't like anything you know. They are bonkers, have no concept of risk aversion, need more excercise than large dogs and it will drive you potty trying to find clothes without tractors or monkies on.

They show you the world in a different way and you get round the clothes thing by heading for John Lewis. They seem to have cracked boyswear!

juneau Fri 28-Oct-11 21:11:17

My husband's aunt said something to me once, just after I'd had my first son, and I thought it was so lovely. She has a son and two daughters, but when her son was born (her first child), she said the doctor exclaimed 'It's a boy!' and she immediately felt a bit deflated because she'd always imagined herself as a mother of girls. But then her son was laid on her chest and she looked into his eyes and she said that at that moment she realised that he was exactly what she'd wanted all along and she couldn't have been more happy.

I'm sure you will adore your little boy. I have two boys and I couldn't love anyone more. I too always thought I'd have a daughter and now I know I probably won't, but my boys are the light of my life.

cjbk1 Fri 28-Oct-11 21:18:48

Just wanted to add my experience of what's been said; I thought I wanted a 2nd boy but a few days into dds life I started thinking that she is exactly what we NEEDED (crying happy tears now) smile

Maya6 Fri 28-Oct-11 21:28:57

I totally understand I was convinced I was having a much want baby girl I. Fact the thought kept me going during a v diff patch with my partner so when I discovered it was a boy I felt the whole world was against me and was distraught as crazy enough I did not think I was having a boy for a sec there is a 50/50 chance! Anyway glad I know now so that I have got my head around it and can be more positive It you will too most important thing now is a healthy baby good luck don't feel bad it's natural to have these feelings x

cairnterrier sums it up nicely

NinthWave Fri 28-Oct-11 21:38:51

OK...

...imagine your boy seeing a pic of you in your wedding dress, and saying "When I'm a bigger boy I want to get married to YOU Mummy"

...trying to tell him off for making a mess and him saying "You look like a beautiful flower" and doing a full-on cheesy grin face

...picking him up from nursery/GPs and getting the full-on, four-limbed whole body HUG that little boys reserve solely for their mums smile

Sargesaweyes Fri 28-Oct-11 21:44:24

I haven't had time to read through thread but just wanted to say that I have just had a son and after previously thinking I would be more at ease with a girl I can honestly say that I wouldn't change my boy for the world. I would happily have an army of boys now! Don't be harsh on yourself about how you feel but I guarantee it won't last. Congratulations by the way smile

hawthers Fri 28-Oct-11 22:14:08

ooh ninthwave those full body hugs rock.

OP - have a DS but haven't experienced what you are feeling but just wanted to say (what you know already) but as soon as you meet your DS you will love him so deeply for himself and his individuality that his gender will cease to exist almost. does that make sense?

love love love having my boy - he's the best (but am sure i'd say the same if i'd had a DD). don't feel bad about what you are feeling - i'm pg with DC2 and would love another boy and feel slightly nervous of how i'll feel if its a DD. think it is just what i know and when they arrive it will be great no matter what flavour it is.

much love and don't beat yourself up over this. it iwll all come right in the end.

Eggrules Fri 28-Oct-11 23:57:58

My little boy asked today where his kids were going to sleep when I was old. He wants to live here for ever (for now). My heart is full of him.

Alligatorpie Sat 29-Oct-11 06:13:13

I understand how you are feeling. I am seven weeks along with my second and although I don't know the sex, it feels like a boy. ( I felt that I was pg with a girl from day one with my dd - but I know this is not the same as knowing.)
Both dh and I really wanted my dd to have a sister. There will be a six year age gap and we live overseas with no family nearby. We both thought that they will be closer if they are the same sex.
I know we will be happy when the baby arrives, it will just be different than we expected.

Just echoing what most others have said - you will absolutely adore your little boy and when he arrives in a few months you will be baffled as to why you ever felt anything but joy. That said, what you feel is totally normal - please do not feel ashamed or guilty, whenever we have an expectation or desire for something that does not manifest disappointment is a normal reaction, it's human nature, never mind factoring in hormones!

FWIW, I have one of each, and with DC2 I was convinced she was another boy. While I wasn't disappointed at all I was so sure she would be a boy (name picked out and everything) it took me a good few days to get my head round it, and until she actually turned up I still harboured suspicions she would be a boy!

They are equally perfect by the way, though shopping for boy stuff much easier unless you really like pink!

Good luck with your pregnancy

brianmayshair Sat 29-Oct-11 09:35:39

Oh i thought i wanted a 2nd girl when ds was born and they announced he was boy i can honestly say i have never been more delighted in my life, i never imagined having a boy but he was just so perfect. Now i wouldn't swap him for anything he is just adorable. DD is very reserved where as he just adores everyone he meets, randomly tells me and others in the family how much he loves them and loves a good cuddle. I love that he is so black and white.

I really think your reaction is more normal than people think, i know of quite a few people who have been disappointed at the scan but nobody who has been disappointed at birtgh IFYSWIM. I've never found out for this reason.

Chandon Sat 29-Oct-11 09:44:57

I knew from the thread title that it was going to be a boy.

it seems to be a trend, you are not alone. You hear this more and more.

Can I just tell you OP, as mum of 2 boys, that boys are so wonderful and loving and fun. Just like girls are.

sad

Crosshair Sat 29-Oct-11 10:53:09

"I knew from the thread title that it was going to be a boy."

Is it just my family that has favoured boys for the past 40 odd years? smile

Ray81 Sat 29-Oct-11 11:34:59

Hi i am another one struggling with the idea of a Boy and i realy dont know why.

I have 2 DDs 8 yrs apart and we struggled with fertility for 5 yrs (hence age gap) i had numerous miscarriages and with DD2 i thought i couldnt have cared less what sex she was but when they told me she was a girl i was relieved. I am 24 weeks pg with our son and DD is only 18 months old so it was a shock to get pg anyway and esp as we were not trying. Everyone kept saying how nice it would be if this one was a boy and i thought so too but when they told us he was boy i was disappointed and i realy dont know why. We cannot agree on a name, DH is set on a particular name and i have agreed to it because i just cannot think of one ifswim. I just cannot imagine having a son.

I realy hate myself for feeling this way and am so hoping when he gets here i wont care either way. I have known for 4 weeks now and i still havent got over the disappointment, i think i need a slap. And whats worse is i remember the heartache and pain with all the problems we had so that makes me feel worse. I wonder if a have alittle AND it is not like me to feel this way at all.

It has helped reading other peoples stories and knowing i am not the only one. OP you are not alone.

Ray81 Sat 29-Oct-11 11:40:46

Ps 3 yrs ago i would have been telling you to count your lucky stars too. It so strange how things change.

HidingInTheUndergrowth Sat 29-Oct-11 11:50:57

I wonder if I am the only one who has this a bit but the other way around. We had always expected to have a boy and I had always wanted a boy i think but have just found out we are probably having a girl. I just can't help but be slightly apprehensive about this as I just find girls a bit confusing (yes I know this is silly as I am one). However, despite this both me and dp are already besotted and I know that we will love her to bits. I just try not to worry to much about the teenage years smile

Summergarden Sun 30-Oct-11 11:38:12

Hiding- it's not just you. We haven't found out the gender, but even though I try not to admit it even to myself, I'm secretly hoping for a boy- I think same is true for my DH. Having suffered a miscarriage last year though, I know that I will be thrilled as long as I give birth to a live, healthy baby.

Young Nun- please don't be hard on yourself. As others have said, your hormones are all over the place. I think it's a good thing that you've found out now as you have plenty of time to get used to the idea. Go clothes shopping and make a beeline for the gorgeous blue clothes- not being a huge fan of pink anyway I tend to prefer blue anyway. You will be a great mum to this baby and need to be kinder to yourself- you have not committed a crime.xx

GodKeepsGiving Sun 30-Oct-11 19:24:13

YoungNun, please try to relax. I have 3 of each and a body is just the wrapping. DD3 is such a tomboy and DS1 and DS2 like to cook and dress nicely! Pregnancy is a really strange time and chances are, once the baby is born you'll be so busy getting to know him that you just won't care. Congratulations and the very best of luck.

mrssweetpotato Sun 30-Oct-11 20:53:03

Don't be ashamed, I went through all that too when I found out it was a boy. I just allowed myself to cry and grieve for the daughter I thought I wanted and thank god after about a week or two it changed and now I can't even remember why I thought I wanted a girl. It was something to do with wanting to give her things I hadn't been given as a child, and wanting to be the kind of mother I didn't have... but I am sure if I had tried to talk myself round and think positive things about boys at that stage it wouldn't have worked. Now I love my little boy so much, it's impossible I could have loved him more if he was a girl. Just accept your feelings, they will change anyway

thegingerone Mon 31-Oct-11 09:46:37

I was in your shoes OP five years ago. I was convinced that ds2 was going to be a girl. I was so ashamed that when I found out he was a boy that i shed a few tears for the girl (i'd imagined) that wasn't going to exist. One of the first thing I said to my beautiful son was "sorry" for ever wanting him to be anything other than him!!! I'm so glad I found out in preg that he was a he because it gave me time to get my head around the dynamic rather than spending another twenty (two) weeks imagining my daughter and cpoing with post birth hormones and a boy I wasn't expecting. I'd love myself more if I could honestly say I don't give a monkeys about gender, but I did. I can't imagine a world without my gorgeous ds2. I also can't stand gender stereotyping (ironically!!!) so my two boys are treated as two people not two boys (or two girls) We bake,play football, obsess about Star Wars, like the colour pink, have best friends who are girls and boys, go clothes shopping, do DIY,gardening, watch property programmes and the X factor together. I can't imagine either of my two being a girl would make a differance to the life we lead and the stuff we do. (Perhaps less cleaning of the floor around the toilet ,but that's about it! wink)

Bumpsadaisie Mon 31-Oct-11 10:13:58

I had my DS on sat morning and can confirm that baby boys are just as cute, snuffly, soft, squishy, fragrant and fuzzy as baby girls! My DS makes lovely little noises and likes to cuddle up in bed and I think he already is a mummy's boy ! They have tiny little willies that are so cute and do wees in a huge trajectory!

Once your boy is here you will be so in love with his newborn gorgeousness that the image of a baby girl just won't compete at all with the real thing! smile

Good luck xx

wolfhound Mon 31-Oct-11 10:28:53

Mother of two DSs here (and one DD) - boys are absolutely fab. They are full of love and affection, they are bright and interesting, they are absorbing.

DS1 (age 4) chatters to me all day long, is about to start ballet (two other boys at his pre-school do it, one of whom seems to be the 'cool kid' and he wants to join them), tells his baby sister he loves her about 50 times a day, and is generally wonderful (also a terror at times like all 4 year olds...).

DS2 (age 2) cuddles up to me at every opportunity, would eat every meal sitting on my knee if he could, loves going to children's theatre/puppet shows. His favourite activity is hoovering, closely followed by mopping the floor...

They both love Thomas the Tank Engine and all things mechanical which isn't my first choice of entertainment. Doesn't matter. I've started to get quite interested myself in a strange sort of way.

I am more fazed by the terrible 'pinkness' of all things girl, and am greatly hoping that baby DD does not turn out to be one of those fairy-princess types. But if she does, I daresay I'll find it all charming in a way I can't quite picture now.

I think people who are set on one gender or another have stereotypes in their heads about what the gender roles mean. Children are individuals, and two children of the same gender will be vastly different.

My advice would be, simply relax about the whole thing. Don't expect your son to like certain things or dislike others based on his gender; introduce him to all sorts of different activities and help him pursue the ones he likes. Talk to him and listen to him lots, and you will have a wonderful child you adore, not the 'typical boy' that you might be picturing somewhere in your imagination.

It's going to be fab. smile

bilblio Mon 31-Oct-11 10:48:55

I understand how you feel. With DD I convinced myself I was having a boy... I think because deep down I really wanted a girl and wouldn't know what to do with a boy. (I'm not a girly girl either, and I loathe the whole pink princess thing.) When DD arrived I was in complete, delighted shock. I spent the first few hours of her life randomly saying to myself "I've got a girl!"

I felt really guilty about not wanting a boy and I only recently admitted it to anyone because I knew I should just be grateful I had a healthy baby.

4 years later, pregnant again, and this time I was half expecting another girl, because most people I know have the same sex. I also still had the "What do I do with a boy?" thing too.

I'm now sat with my 17 day old boy on my lap. He's gorgeous, really cuddley and cuddles me back! Makes the funniest noises and faces, sleeps like a dream and is far, far more chilled out than DD was. I'm besotted with him. smile I've even got over the fear of him weeing on me... which he has managed once... he usually just gets himself. grin

Every Mum I've spoken to who has boys and girls says boys are far easier as they tend to be less independent than girls, so I'm looking forward to not clashing heads with him as often as I do DD.

I admit, I still felt upset when I packed away all the pink baby clothes I'd washed, just in case, knowing that I was unlikely to have a baby girl to wear them again, but then I look at DS and think of all the cute new outfits he can wear and fun things we'll do.

HappyAsIAm Mon 31-Oct-11 12:55:29

OP, honestly, you will absolutely love having a boy.

My Ds (nearly 4 yo now, and I am pg again) is so very loving, kind, sweet, generous, happy and has a wonderful sense of humour. He is just such an easy little boy (but was hard work as a baby, as he needed constant attention!).

I tell him all the time that he is 'my best boy in the world' and he tells me that I am his best girl, for all sorts of reasons eg 'you're my best girl because you wear petty nail varnish', 'you're my best girl because you have a big bed', but more recently 'you're my best girl because you give me the fluffiest cuddles, squeezes, strokes and kisses'.

Honestly, I melt at the things he says. He has always been a very loving and cuddly child, and there are no signs of that stopping. We play constantly and I just adore him and he clearly adores me too. It is so amazing. I have ambraced boys toys like wooden train sets (he is a real train lover and so we play for hours on end with his), but he also loves things like his wooden kitchen and cooking and arts and crafts and playdough, and lots of things that aren't typically 'boyish'.

When I was pg with him, I was absolutely sure I was having a girl. Everyone was. I came so close to buying a red velvet coat in size 9-12 months for the next winter in John Lewis for the baby! I was gobsmacked when the obstetrician said 'its a boy'.

Now that I am pg again, I can't imagine not being able to repeat this experience and my love for my DS, and so I really want another boy. I think we're going to find out the sex at 20 weeks (I'm 14 weeks now) as if its not a boy, I will need to prepare myself. I seem to have in my mind that I will not be able to feel this kind of love so intensely again unless the baby is male. Which I know is silly - I will feel this intensely because it will be my baby, not because of the sex of the baby. But I really do get where you're coming from.

VikingLady Mon 31-Oct-11 15:59:21

I just found out last week that I am having a girl. Didn't realise I even had a preference, but feel really down this week. I don't understand most girls, don't like dolls and tea parties, can't BEAR pink... I never even considered that I might have a girl. Don't know why, but all my images of the future involved a little boy.

So i think I understand some of what you are feeling youngnun. I can't tell anyone. I'm already criticised for not being "maternal" enough (don't coo over scan photos and refused to get excited til after the anomaly scan in case there was anything major wrong), so REALLY can't tell anyone about this!

The comments here are mostly helpful, and I am so glad that MN exists. I think I'd be staring at a bottle of gin otherwise...

ps - not drinking it - it's not that bad. I'll do my best for it, whichever sex. Just don't think I'll love it that much.

LoveInAColdGrave Tue 01-Nov-11 07:39:34

No one but DH knows this, but I had my 20 week scan last week, and was so convinced beforehand that it was a girl. It is a boy. I cried all the way home from the scan and had some really awful, shaming thoughts about the situation. But now, jut a week on, I have bought some baby boy clothes and read some positive stuff on here about mother-son relationships and feel much, much better. I am still sad that I won't be getting a daughter - this time - but am excited to be having a son.

No one in RL knows that it's a boy yet, except our parents, as I don't want to have to deal "boys are a handful" comments while I still feel a bit wobbly, but even a week later I feel wholly different.

EmLH Tue 01-Nov-11 08:00:09

Not read the thread but just wanted to reassure you that your reaction is not abnormal, nor out of order. I was the other way round and DH said my face visibly dropped when we were told I was carrying a girl. I think I had my heart set on a boy because my family only ever has girls and I really wanted to produce a grandson for my dad. I also thought I'd identify better with a boy and had felt like I was carrying one for some reason!

HOWEVER, I am now completely in love with my little girl and wouldn't swap for the world. I think it was definitely the right thing to find out early because I was able to go shopping for lovely baby things and that made me come round pretty quickly. I felt I was able to begin bonding with her before the birth and enjoyed thinking of possible names etc. It really feels like it was meant to be and I am sure you will feel the same when your little boy is born.

And don't feel bad for feeling the way you do. You can't choose feelings and it's no reflection on how much you love/want the baby or a sign of being ungrateful etc. It's just an honest reaction to what was a 50/50 chance. I think most people have a preference even if they don't know it.

Go shopping or go to see friends who have little boys. You'll probably find that you'll get excited gradually and then when he's born you'll wonder what you worried about!

bmm39 Tue 01-Nov-11 10:39:48

Don't feel bad, its normal to have a preference. When you hold your little boy in your arms you won't care anymore that he is not at girl. X

PamSco Tue 01-Nov-11 10:52:39

Hey OP (sorry haven't read all 18 pages) it has taken me ages to get used to the idea that I am having a boy.

I have 2 younger sisters and I have nannied when I was younger, always girls - not by choice just how it turned out. So I felt I could understand how to mother a girl. When we found out it was a boy my confidence hit rock bottom - I know nothing about boys my head was screaming.

It took a couple of weeks for my sense to set in and say - hang on, you know nothing about this baby FULL STOP. So put all assumptions aside and await this brand new personality to arrive (next week for me hopefully). I'm now (after 18 weeks) comfortable and happy just waiting for my child.

In those first 10 weeks of knowing he was a he I went through the gamut of emotions - disappointment, loss of the girl I'll never had (I'm an old 1st timer), dawning realisation I was being a bit of a presumptuous chump smile

Funny thing is my OH wanted a girl as they were less trouble I told my mum this and she laughed her head off! My mum has 3 gals and one boy (I had already left home for uni when my bro was born) and he was the easiest of her 4.

You'll be grand.

YoungNun Tue 01-Nov-11 13:52:09

Thanks again from my heart, everyone who has commented. I went away for the weekend to walk by the sea and try to calm down, so am only catching up on the thread now. Unfortunately, I also stupidly met a friend who has a spectacularly charmless teenage boy in a spectacularly charmless shopping mall, and had a major internal wobble before telling myself very firmly that I am not giving birth to anyone else's son. This baby is mine and my wonderful, caring, funny, sensitive, baking-obsessed partner's and is in no way predestined to a life of inarticulate khaki-clad sulking and ballgames.

Loveinacoldgrave - exactly, am not telling anyone either, as I don't want the 'boys are a handful' comments either, when I'm feeling all over the place, though normally I'm the first one to pooh-pooh gender stereotyping. And Pamsco, you are exactly right, I know nothing at all about this baby, so I should stop bloody second-guessing its future on some reductive gendered grounds. HappyAsIAm and Wolfhound - thank you, that was exactly what I needed to hear.

Stupidly, I think a tiny contributing factor to the upset was that my partner and I had agreed from the start on a girl's name but seem to have no common ground at all on a boy's, so if this baby had been a girl, she would already have had a name and that bonding potential, but our little boy remains Baby X, and looks likely to remain so for some time..

I will be forever grateful to everyone who has commented on this thread for their kindness and sharing their experiences - especially to those mothers of sons who could well have found my original post very annoying. This has demonstrated to me the real worth of Mumsnet, if I ever needed convincing.

wolfhound Tue 01-Nov-11 14:13:16

Good luck YoungNun. And YoungNun'sSon. Don't worry about the name yet. We had used our 'perfect' boy's name on DS1 and thinking of another boy's name was difficult - then at about 7 months pg, I suddenly said 'What about x' to DH (who had dismissed all my previous suggestions) and he immediately said 'Yes! That's it!' The name seemed so perfect that we couldn't believe we hadn't thought of it before. Didn't know if the baby would be male or female. But it was male - and that's DS2. Perfect (give or take the odd 2yr old tantrum...)

phlossie Tue 01-Nov-11 16:52:05

This is why I think it's best NOT to find out the sex at a scan.

I had my DS first, and when he was born I felt quite shocked - I had expected to have a girl, and I knew where I was with girls. I remember holding him and thinking 'what the hell do I do with one of these?!' And I wasn't bowled over with love at first sight - I'd have prefered a girl.... at that point. BUT I was overwhelmed by him and how gorgeous he was, and within 12 hours I was head over heels. He's now very much my PFB, and it didn't take long for me to not be able to imagine him being anyone else. I really can't labour the point about how completely gorgeous and awesome he is! (he's 5 1/2). I think when you have your baby it all makes sense, but at a scan it's one step removed and establishes a mindset that can be difficult to shake.

We have all sorts of preconceptions about genders, what they'll be like and what sort of parents we'll be to them, but they're just preconceptions.

I was helping out at DD's pre-school yesterday (she's 4, I'm rather partial to her too) and realised suddenly with shock that I actually find 'boys' games easier to play! I always thought I was a pretend play, baby dolls type, but actually I prefered fighting a plastic tiger with a plastic bull with a little boy there (my bull lost).

I'm lucky that I've got to experience parenting both flavours (and I'm expecting a 3rd, sex unknown), but I can honestly say, cliched as it sounds, that their personalities are their triumphs, not their genders.

It's really hard now you know the sex of your baby, but try to banish all your preconceptions. Work through the bad feelings and guilt (guilt is an unavoidable spectre that haunts all of motherhood), and try and get it into your head that your boy will be who he is - not just a boy.

SausageSmuggler Tue 01-Nov-11 17:12:19

Glad you're coming round to the prospect. This thread is also fab to have a read of:
Having a Boy

thegingerone Wed 02-Nov-11 10:08:29

YoungNun. I'm with you on the name thing!!! We used up our favorite two boys names for ds1, then ds2 came along and somehow we managed to find two more (which now are just HIM) DH and I really struggle to agree on boys names. So there is NO fifth and sixth favourite name! I didn't mention in my previous post that I'm two weeks away from my due date for no3 (who may possibly, according to sonographer, be a dd) She has got a name (Our girl name from 9 years ago when pg with ds1!) If you heard some of the frankly ridiculous boy names my dh has suggested (that don't even "go" with the other boys names!!! )I'm not looking forward to having those conversations again when I'm post birth!! I thought we had a name so was imagining my boy with that name which made the concept of a third boy easier to grasp (I KNOW now form prev pg that I will adore my child, whatever flavour, but I like imagining what they may be like too!) Apparently my DH has no recollection of that conversation even though I was very specific about how I like the name to be spelt!! Arggghhhhhh! So currently my little bump is slightly more imaginary girl than imaginary boy. I've joked with my sons that I hope the baby comes out clutching a note saying "Hi FamilyGinger. My name is......."

Good luck with your gorgeous baby!

sharond101 Wed 02-Nov-11 12:54:14

I've been following this thread with interest a little embarrassed to add comment but here goes.

I am 10weeks+2 and am convinced I am having a boy. OH has always told me boys are the only species his family produce (although he has two sisters). His two sisters each have two boys and his brother has two boys also. We miscarried last year and it was a boy. We had a scan on Monday has the cheekiest look about it and OH exclaimed it's definitely a boy and I have to say I agree it looks more male than female (in as much as one can tell at this stage).

I see nice things about having a girl or a boy. With a boy I look forward to the watching OH teach him about football and how to ride a bike as he is an avid mountain biker. I suspect my Father will be heavily involved with teaching him manly things as he bought my young male cousin a tool kit for his 4th birthday. I admit though that dressing up and braiding hair, playing houses and telling stories bout fairies is more what I dream of. There are two little girls who live across the road and how sweet they are coming out of there house with there tiaras on and tutus, to play on the swings! My family was just me and my sister although my sister was always a bit of a tomboy which I never understood. I was very girly girly whereas she was into cars and football. We had a female cousin we were close too who was very girly like me and a male cousin who annoyed the life out of us. I think these factors have alot to do with it.

My pregnancy feels like a bit of a miracle, we had to undergo 18months of fertility treatment and a miscarriage to get this far and we are not our of the woods yet. I just want a healthy baby, boy or girl. I think it's just something I may feel I miss out on if I never have a girl rather than resent having a boy.

Montsti Fri 04-Nov-11 14:43:55

Sorry late with my comment, but just to say that I completely understand being disappointed when finding out the gender of your baby. I definitely had a preference for a boy and it turned out it was. Will find out in 2 weeks what we're having second time round. Not sure what I would like this time but think I will be pleased/disappointed either way if that makes sense...

I have so many friends (and their husbands) who have been disappointed when finding out but once they have chosen a name/decorated the nursery and the baby is born they couldn't imagine having the opposite sex...in my experience in general (not always me for one) the man would rather have a boy and the woman a girl. I have girl friends who have cried for weeks when finding out they are having boys but they wouldn't have it any other way now. Also men who are "forcing" their wives to have a 3rd or 4th child to get that boy...hmm....

I find it surprising that people think boys are seen as second best as where I live (not in UK) there is an absolute preference for boys (not why I wanted one as I had always thought from a young age I would have boys and had hundreds of boys names and no girls). When I "announced" I was pregnant the first thing people asked was "what are you having?" (we can find out at 12 weeks what the gender is) and when I said "boy" everyone congratulated me as if I'd won the lottery..my mother-in-law told me that a least I had the boy out of the way..very weird...interestingly my husband really had no preference either way...

Pollykitten Fri 04-Nov-11 15:05:28

I'm currently pregnant and don't know what the gender is, but just a thought - when I was with my ex, I used to marvel at how he adored his mother and used to think how great it would be to have a son, because it was far and away more devotion than I ever manage for my mother. Perhaps that is something to factor in while all the (very natural) feelings settle down.

popcornchicken Sun 06-Nov-11 19:38:30

Im having a boy and was quite pleased just think u wont have all the bitcheness of girls coming home crying because they have been left out and over boys :S they will just get on with it there are upsides to both boys and girls im sure u will b fine wen little mans here x

Maisiethemorningsidecat Sun 06-Nov-11 19:53:00

I have 3 - 2 boys and a girl. I have to admit to feeling quite hopeful that DC2 would be a girl, and she was. However, what I would say is that as you get to know the child, their sex becomes less and less important and their personality, quirks and traits (good and bad) become the essence of who they are, and it's that you fall head over heels in love with.

I love all of them equally (and sometime dislike them equally!), and although I wouldn't ever publicly admit it, I am completely and utterly besotted with our little surprise who at 4 is just adorable - he is honestly the most perfectly wonderful wee person ever, and I cannot imagine life without him.

I think it's probably easier for women to imagine relating to a female child, and if you've had a close relationship with your own mother it's natural to want that for you and your daughter. However, the relationship that you'll have with your son will be just as close, and seeing them grow from a little boy into a young man is incredibly amazing. I find myself looking at DS1 who is 14 and just huge with this great sense of humour, and thinking, oh my goodness, I created that!

DD is my daughter (she's an utter pain at the moment, but that's for another thread!) and it's fun having that female bond (most of the time!), but don't imagine for a minute that you won't have that same bond with you son.

Good luck, and here's to him! smile

G1nger Sun 06-Nov-11 20:47:15

OP - here's a positive thought for you: I always thought I cared what gender child I had. I even felt a little bit sorry for mothers who have two or more boys and no girls. I suspected, like you, that maybe my views were rooted in deep sexism (despite having a wonderful partner), or in not growing up around many boys. The truth is this: my son was born seven weeks ago. And with him I've realised that I really don't care whether I have a boy or girl now or in the future. I wouldn't care if my baby came from the moon! No one can prepare you for how much you will love your baby, like I love mine. Don't beat yourself up for your reaction to your news from your scan. You are going to love your baby so much that it feels quite overwhelming at times. You won't care what or who it is.

I understand exactly how you feel - I desperately want this baby to be a girl (having a horrendous time being pg so refuse to try again!). My 20 week scan is in mid December but I've already got so bad that my bf is banned from coming with me because I know that I'll be devastated if it's a boy and it won't be fair on him to see my reaction. Silly and unreasonable but I can't help it.

keely027 Sun 11-Dec-11 12:03:19

i felt the same way. good to hear i am not alone smile

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