Disappointed with the sex?

[knackered76]

Of the baby that is!?!

This is my 3rd and I always fancied finding out with my final one. We didn't with the other 2 and I've never had a preference so haven't felt the need. DH didn't want to find out so thought fair enough, it's not like I won't know anyway!

The other night though he declared he would like to find out as he really wants a girl, we have one of each flavour already, so wants to know if it isn't. I know he will get over it and still adore a boy but was wondering if anyone elses DP's had a strong preference and was disappointed when it was the other flavour?

[Jacksmybaby]

Ha! I opened this thread thinking it was going to be about something else .

DH really wanted another boy; we found out recently at the 20wk scan that DC2 is (probably) a girl and DH was disappointed, but is gradually coming round!

He said he had always envisaged having 2 boys as he has a younger brother (and they are v close) so to him that's what the "perfect family" consisted of! I was quite upset about his reaction as I felt it took away from my happiness (I secretly wanted a girl this time although would have been happy with either.)

I know he will be besotted when DC2 arrives though.

[wonderingwondering]

I really don't get this wishing for a boy or a girl. You get a baby that turns in to a child, and you love and accept them, however they are and whatever they turn out to be like - highly-strung, intelligent, disabled, whatever.

No-one gets their (initial) idea of a perfect family, as each member is an individual and can't be shaped/controlled in that way. You all grow together and compromise.

Sorry, that may not be helpful, but this 'but I wanted a pink/blue one' is more appropriate when contemplating a new pair of shoes than raising a child.

[Jacksmybaby]

wondering it's a MASSIVE (and IMO entirely erroneous) leap from expressing a preference as to the sex, to failing to love and accept your child when he/she arrives.

[ShowOfHands]

It's quite normal to have a preference. Some people do, some don't. Some people will feel disappointment when they find out the gender at a scan.

It's a common feeling and it's important to remember that it's not sadness for the gender you are having, but a bit of sadness for the one that you aren't.

Generally speaking you love whatever baby you have because they are a unique, wonderful individual.

There is no shame in your dh admitting this. Sometimes it's best to find out at the scan to give you time to get used to the idea. Luckily, the preference nearly always seem so silly in retrospect, but feels so important at the time.

[wonderingwondering]

I know that. I know you love your child when it arrives. And I can see that whether you have all boys, all girls or a mix makes a big difference to your life (freezing rugby games vs days in Claire's Accessories...).

But to say you are disappointed because your unborn child isn't as you imagined it is, I think, really indulgent.

Perhaps it's a bad way of expressing the sentiment - as I say, I can see that the sex of your child(ren) impacts on your day to day existence quite a lot. So daunted/unprepared/nervous - yes. Disappointed - I'm afraid I find that quite upsetting (and irritating).

[ShowOfHands]

wondering, like I said it's more a disappointment for what you won't have, not what you will. And if you've never felt that way then you can't quite understand. When it happens you feel guilty enough as it is, you don't need to be told that it really doesn't matter in the grand scheme of things. You know that. It's an honest and normal reaction for many, many people.

[wonderingwondering]

I'm sure people do genuinely feel like that, and I didn't, so I won't fully understand. But do people not have a sense of perspective? Disappointment is a strong, negative emotion and it upsets me to see it used in the context of a viable pregnancy.

[ShowOfHands]

And that's understandable. It's terribly difficult to understand if all you want is a viable pregnancy but it's not a conscious or deliberate reaction. And the best thing to do is be honest about it so that other people who have been there can reassure that it dissipates and confirm that it's not unheard of, in fact rather common. All things being equal you would only ever experience utter joy during pregnancy but people come to pregnancy from myriad backgrounds and experiences and reactions to what is an emotional and hormonal time are just a sign of being human. It's difficult because it's emotive and people have their own individual experiences of pregnancy but it is not that people are disappointed about the baby, it really isn't. It's the loss of an image, a though, a perceived notion. Like if you'd hoped and hoped to get a necklace for your birthday but got earrings instead. It's not as emotive and my comparison is crass but the disappointment is for what isn't, not what is. It's a subtle, but important difference.

And thankfully when the baby arrives, you realise it didn't matter after all.

[libelulle]

ShowOfHands that's really well put! thank you

[PrivetDancer]

We found out what we were having in my first pg and I had it in my head that I wanted a boy, so I was a little disappointed to find out we were having a girl. I'm very glad we found out as by the time she arrived I was delighted to be having a girl having had a bit of time to get excited about the idea. (my main reason for wanting a boy had been because I thought the clothes were more exciting, dd has a few pairs of monster pyjamas )
I'm now pg again and won't be finding out this time as I like the idea of a surprise (and really really don't mind whether we get a boy or girl)

so my point is op, although I do see why what your husband has said is a little upsetting, I really wouldn't worry and I'm sure he will soon come round.

ShowOfHands has explained it far better than I could.
I don't actually think disappointed is a strong word, can be a brief moment of thinking 'oh.' to me.

[Elsa123]

My DH would really like a girl and after a bit of probing its because he did not have a particularly lovely childhood and grew up in a house filled with boys. He also thinks he was a little sod. So he's worried a son would be the same. If we do have a boy I think he will suddenly realise he has a chance to do all the stuff he was not allowed to do and if it was very much like him, he would hopefully know of some helpful coping strategies! Also, he did live with a girlfriend years ago who had a little boy and he's probably a bit coloured by that too.

My dad was the same- he was an only child with alcoholic parents and he had this idea in his head that it was unlikely for history to repeat itself if he had girls. In his mind boys equalled unhappiness. He had 2 girls.

Most of the time I think there are quite a few underlying feelings as to why someone prefers one sex to another and understanding those feelings are helpful in assiting acceptance of the other sex. It could be something as simple as not feeling like you understand what to 'do' with a child of a particular sex.

My grandmother really prefers boys and has 3 of each sex. I think its because her 2 younger sisters were treated infinitely better than her and she as a result got on with her brothers better.

Wondering- my mum has an opinion very much like yours, but when we were discussing this the other day, she suddenly realised that with a little delving, the reasons for such feelings normally surface and helps things make sense.

I think for subsequent children it can be a simpler desire for balance, or, if your first was a boy for example and an absolute pleasure, there may be a desire for another boy in the hope of the same happening, or simply that you know what to do with a boy! Sorry for the long post!

[notso]

I don't know if DH would prefer a boy or a girl this time round, we have DD and DS already.
I know he wanted to have a DS last time, where I think if I could have chosen I would have chosen another DD because I have a sister I am really close to, and I knew if we had another girl DH would definately have gone for a third sooner rather than after saying no for five years then changing his mind when I was nicely settled in work and college. That said I love having a DS and he and DD get on really well.
Space wise it would be easier to have another boy as they are close enough in age to share a room, but then I know DD really wants a sister, I guess I'll just have to wait and see.

[missrose]

I've just found out I'm probably having a girl. I had no preference but I was surprised at how sad I felt that it wasn't a boy.

I think Showofhands is right - you spend five months imagining what it will be like if it's a boy or a girl, and then you find out and you have to let one of those ideas go even though you're more than happy with what you do have.

I only found out as DH really wanted to know. It does help men bond with the baby apparently and he's really happy.

If I could go back in time I wouldn't find out. I don't think I was ready to know and the pregnancy has lost some of its magic for me.

[ShowOfHands]

missrose, please don't worry. The magic will come back. I too was worried about having a girl and was sad when I found out I wasn't having a boy. Most of it stems from not wanting to recreate the relationship I have with my own mother (very difficult) and I was very badly bullied by girls as a child. To this day I find negotiating female relationships v difficult.

It can help to go out and buy a little outfit for the child you are having. Hang it up somewhere you can see it and try talking to your bump as a 'she'. I promise you you will start being excited about the pregnancy again.

Well, obviously I had a dd. And you probably can't believe it now as you've only just found out but one day you will look back and think 'well wasn't I silly?' DD isn't a gender. After the 20 week scan that's all you know, which bits your baby will have. It doesn't tell you anything else. DD is a gregarious, bright, funny, curious little person who likes creepy crawlies and tractors and dinosaurs. She is the child I was meant to have, our relationship is nothing like any other relationship, let alone like the one I have with my mother and if I had another I'd be over the moon with another girl because the one I've got is pretty damn perfect.

Please don't worry. You just wait. Your child is your child and eventually it is that simple.

[missrose]

Thank you so much - that actually made me cry! I've still been thinking of 'the baby' rather than 'her', although I did laugh today when I got my first massive kick and thought of the tiny little girl in there making her presence felt!

I think you're right in that my own relationship with my mother has affected how I felt about having a girl. I had to learn a lot of things myself, the hard way, and it took a long time for me to even like myself. I wouldn't ever want to put my child through that. Ultimately though, that's probably not a gender issue but a parenting one.

I'm going to buy something tomorrow; it's a lovely idea. I haven't got anything yet as I wanted to make sure everything was okay at the scan.

Thanks again x