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Pregnancy

Feeling guilty about reaction to scan

46 replies

amatista · 28/01/2010 11:36

I had my 20 week scan yesterday and partner and I had decided we wanted to know the baby's sex. I geniunely thought I didn't mind whether I had a boy or girl. This is our first baby and ideally I would like 2 - one of each (or maybe a third....).

We were told (99.9% sure) that we are having a boy. I was shocked that my initial reaction (though I didn't let on to my partner) was a feeling of disappointment. I feel guilty that this is the way I feel. Our baby, as far as we know at this stage, is healthy and I know that is the main thing. And I am sure that I will love my baby whatever.

There are a number of girls' names that I loved and we could have decided between us on something we really liked. We have consistently disagreed about boys' names, and I can't help but feel my baby will end up with a name that we settle on as being 'ok', because it is what we disagree least on.

I also find it hard to get excited about shopping for a baby boy. I know this is superficial and doesn't really matter. I am not an overly girly girl myself and wouldn't be decking the nursery out all in pink, and buying frilly dresses, but, having just bought beautiful clothes for friends' new baby girls, I imagined getting similar things for my baby; I find it hard to see boys' clothes as anything other than functional. Also, I had seen something I decided I would buy as my first baby purchase if I were having a girl, and would equally find something if having a boy. In reality, I am just sad not to be buying the girl present.

And even now, I am thinking ahead, hoping that baby number 2 will be a girl. If not, I know I'll want a third; whereas I am sure if I had two girls, I wouldn't mind. Getting ahead of myself somewhat I know. I have friends with little boys, who are great, so I know boys can be wonderful too. But all of these feelings have sudddenly flooded in.

I know some people say that a reason not to know your baby's sex is that once you are holding your newborn you won't care. But I am at least glad that I have these feelings now, and some time to deal with them. I would hate to feel anything other than joy when I first hold my new baby.

But in the meantime, I am sharing my news, and feel I am being dishonest when I say I didn't mind whether we were having a boy or girl. I really didn't think I did mind. I feel confused as this has suddenly hit me, and don't feel I can tell anyone, as it seems such an awful thing to think.

How do I deal with this, please?

OP posts:
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giraffesCantCeilidhDance · 28/01/2010 11:38

I might get flamed for this but I would deal with it by reading the bereavement boards and read posts from people who have lost their babies (like me) and then I would get a grip and realise how truley blessed I was for carring a healthy baby.

I should probably hide threads like this.

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tobago04 · 28/01/2010 11:45

I always wanted boys but ended up having two dd's,honestly once the baby is in your arms and safe and healthy it really doesn't matter,i am pregnant with no.3 and i honestly don't care if it's a boy or girl this time,
it's the person they are that you love not the sex,
also it does help to remember how lucky you are to be pregnant with a healthy baby

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AKMD · 28/01/2010 11:46

Please don?t feel guilty. Our local hospital doesn?t tell you the gender and DH and I decided we would like a surprise, so I don?t know what we?re having but despite telling everyone that we don?t mind, I know that DH would like a boy and I (secretly ) would love to have a girl. I did have an emergency scan at about 26 weeks when I slipped in the shower and the midwives couldn?t find a heartbeat with a Doppler and thought I saw boy bits, and was actually quite disappointed too. Since then I have had a number of growth scans and haven?t been able to tell on any of them, so it?s back to uncertainty...

It?s nice when people say, ?Oh, it doesn?t matter, just as long as it?s healthy? (and what happens if it isn?t? I hope I?d love my baby then too but I understand where they?re coming from) but I don?t know anyone with children who didn?t have a secret preference one way or the other, it?s absolutely normal.

I think at least now that you know at this stage you have time to get used to the idea of having a boy and will be very excited anyway!

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arolf · 28/01/2010 11:48

I have to confess that I had a moment of disappointment when I found out I was carrying a boy - not because I particularly wanted a girl, but (I think) it was a fleeting thought of what might have been. I think women do often want girls (from speaking to my friends), because they are girls, so think they know what they'll be getting. (this is not the case btw! )

However, I now have my 4 month old DS snoozing on my lap, and I couldn't love him much more (unless he suddenly decides to sleep through the night, but that's another thread...).

It's normal to have some feeling of regret if you had some fixed ideas in your mind, but, yes, difficult to talk about it. If you're really feeling down, just imagine holding your baby for the first time - you honestly will not care what genitalia it has once he/she is here! you're going to love him so much when you meet him

(oh, and there are some amazing clothes for boys too - less pink, obviously, but such fun to choose between!)

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BigGLittleG · 28/01/2010 11:49

These feelings are perfectly normal -- I think it's very hard to go into a scan without having some slight preference. And it's also good to deal with these feelings before the baby is born.

You will probably find many women coming on here saying that they felt the same way but once they held their babies in their arms all these thoughts vanished.

I am having a boy and I agree that there isn't as wide a selection of baby boys clothing and accessories as there is for girls. However, I have come to find that boys toys are so much more fun than girls toys -- and I'm not even a tomboy!

Just remember that baby boys absolutely adore their mummies.....I saw this growing up with my two brothers. They were much nicer to our mother than I was!

In the end, this is the child you were meant to have and when you hold him in your arms nothing else will matter.

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Habbibu · 28/01/2010 11:50

Well, I've lost a baby and I do sympathise. We lost dd1, had dd2 safe and sound, and when I got pregnant again I really secretly hoped it was a girl - just pictured myself with two wee girls. When ds was born, I thought, " I don't know what to do with a boy!". But you know? I am unbelievably happy that he's a boy - it's so wonderful and brilliant, it's so nice to have this amazing wee boy.

Just look at the feeling, accept that you feel it, that it's not terribly rational, and know that whe you see and get to know your child, none of it will matter a jot.

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RockbirdandHerSpork · 28/01/2010 11:55

This is why I think gender scans are a great idea. If you're going to feel disappointed far better to feel it then and get it over with than feel any pangs of regret at the birth when your little bundle is presented to you (and yes, I do have a relative who was devastated that her baby was the 'wrong' sex. She got over it v quickly but always remembers those first few moments of disappointment and feels guilty). The idea will grow on you I promise.

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kitcat1977 · 28/01/2010 11:55

There's so much time to get used to the idea! I certainly wasn't 'hoping' for a girl but I did imagine having one. We still don't know what it is, but I'm convinced it's a boy. I would be so shocked now if it wasn't. The idea of an impish little man really appeals. But then, so does a cutesy girl.

Give it time. I bet you'll do more than get used to it.

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amatista · 28/01/2010 11:57

'giraffesCantCeilidhDance' - You are absolutely right. I am truly sorry for your loss. I feel guilty, in part, precisely because I know I should just feel happy to be carrying a healthy baby. And I do. But it's coupled with other feelings I didn't imagine having. I'm sorry if it seems like an insult in some way to those who struggle to conceive, or lose a baby. By comparison, this is so trivial, I know. I am shocked myself to feel something so irrational, but feelings are. And they take you by surprise sometimes.....

OP posts:
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mistlethrush · 28/01/2010 12:01

I really wanted a girl - I knew this when we first started ttc. Then we suffered a mmc and significant issues following that... When, after 5.5yrs of ttc, I became pregnant again I think I was still veering towards wanting a girl - but the main thing I wanted was a healthy baby. Towards the end, I think I'd changed - we have two nieces and I thought that it would be quite nice to have a boy in the family. We didn't find out at the scan (although dh says he thinks he saw but didn't tell). Ds is now 4.5. The clothes are a dissapointment, but he isn't!

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LadyintheRadiator · 28/01/2010 12:08

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SoupDragon · 28/01/2010 12:10

It's not helpful to say "be grateful you have a healthy baby" because everyone in knows that. This feelings aren't rational and they can't be helped - no one wants to feel this disappointment.

I felt like this with DS2 who was meant to be my last. I found out at a 37 week growth scan that he was another boy and I was gutted. However, by the time he was born just 3 days later, I had dealt with the upset at not having a daughter and fell in love with him straight away with no clouding of his arrival with negative feelings. He is adorable (and nearly 9 years old now!) and, apart from before he was born, I have not been disappointed that he was a boy.

From your OP you can see the rational side so you can deal with the negative feelings, file them away and move on to looking forward to greeting your son. I am certain you'll be fine

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midnightsun · 28/01/2010 12:19

You can't control how you feel, so shouldn't be feeling guilty about it. I think most people have a preference whether or not they admit it even to themselves, can be biological or based on their own upbringing or expectations from life. It's quite a shock when it just bites you from behind that you do prefer one or the other when you thought you didn't.

It's perfectly true when people say the most important thing is that the baby is healthy or that you should consider yourself lucky to be having a baby at all, but it's not always helpful as it reinforces the idea that you should be feeling guilty for being shallow in some way to care about gender. The reality is that people DO care about gender.

I think with time you will adjust to the idea so it's good that you know in advance and can just gradually accept it. I know exactly what you mean about how boring baby boys clothes and toys and other stuff is compared to girls. But when you are the proud mother of a son you will start to find there all sorts of things you prefer about boys compared to girls, you just don't know about them yet.

I have a son and another one on the way and was at one stage desperately sad to think I may never have a daughter but I also know there are lots of turmoils (emotional ones, particularly) that I will avoid by not having a girl. There are good and hard sides to raising both and as a girl yourself I believe it's only natural that you feel more comfortable with the notion of a baby girl. All great things about baby boys are less familiar and you won't know them fully until you have your own.

Try not to feel guilty, acknowledge your natural disappointment, be careful who you voice it to (as you've seen here, saying it out loud can stir up other people's emotions, that's about them not you) and I promise you that gradually over time and especially when your baby arrives, it will lessen and fade and you will be one of these mums raving about how marvellous sons are and you wouldn't want to change it for the world.

Good luck.

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SqueezyB · 28/01/2010 12:26

It's perfectly normal to secretly have a slight preference one way or the other - when we found out DD was a girl at the 20 week scan I did feel slightly deflated - the grandkids are all girls in our family on both sides and I kinda wanted our baby to be 'different', not just another girl.

Of course I quickly got over it and once she was born realised that she is different just by being herself! And she loves having all the older girl cousins to play with and of course I love all the hand-me-downs!

But now I'm 22 weeks with no.2 and I'm secretly longing for a boy again... one of the reasons we didn't find out was I didn't want to feel disappointed - as someone said, once you have them in your arms you couldn't give a toss whether it's a boy/girl/alien, it's your baby!

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skidoodle · 28/01/2010 12:39

You don't have any reason to feel guilty - this is just an unexpected reaction, you didn't plan on feeling this way and you can't help it.

In my first pregnancy I thought I didn't care whether I was having a boy or a girl, but secretly I did really want a girl but assumed I was having a boy. When DD was born I was really, really happy that she was a girl and not a boy. My happiness about that, largely unimportant, fact really surprised me.

This time I genuinely don't care if I have another girl or a boy, or at least didn't until recently. You mention problems with names - well basically the only girl's name I like this time around is the name DD is already called and so I've started imagining the new baby being a boy because I know what he would be called. Also my grandfather died on Sunday and I've started thinking it would be nice to have a boy because it would seem appropriate somehow.

I know all of this is silly. No rational part of my brain thinks is matters in the least. I will love this baby just as much no matter what gender it is.

Give yourself a break about how you feel. You're going to have lots of odd thoughts over the next 20 weeks (if you're anything like me). Growing a new person inside you is quite a lot to get your head around.

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MumNWLondon · 28/01/2010 12:45

Amatista - its quite normal to feel this, but once your baby is born it will not matter at all. I am not sure why but I imagined by first child would be a boy (but it was DD instead....) these feelings will not last long, certainly not after he arrives.

Now I have a DS as well (who is wonderful), and DC3 is a boy too (per scan) - so I am really glad now that DD was actually a girl!

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MandaHugNKiss · 28/01/2010 12:45

What you're feeling is perfectly normal, if not entirely rational. And you already recognise that it's not really rational (hence your reticence to voice these feelings in 'real' life- but to voice them is part of processing them so I'm glad you are doing it here).

Here's my little story that will hopefully help the fog of disappointment disipate somewhat.

First child: weren't able to find out the sex back then (15 years ago!). DD and loved her fiercely. Fell pregnant with an Ooops 2 1/2 years later (one broken condom, I mean, really, did I HAVE to be one of those 3%?). Was able to find out the sex. Had all my hopes pinned on another girl. Two sisters (I have a good relationship with my sister and (unreasonably - these are different people) imagined that for my babies). I knew what I was doing with a girl. I had 'girl stuff' (and not much money). I just wanted a girl...

You know what's coming now, right?

20 week scan on my printout: fetus appears to be XY.

XY? No. No, no, no! That's BOY! Far from your unexpected feelings of disappointment, I was devastated. I cried. I went into a funk for a couple of weeks, whilst I re-evaluated all what I'd been imagining/hoping for. I didn't want a boy, with their running, jumpin, climbing, fighting, dirty, noise. I was definitely stuck in a negative thought pattern (also very 'me').

Eventually, my usual mantra of que sera won through. I'd already had to employ it when I fell pregnant (couldn't afford it, relationship rocky but could never contemplate abortion, blah blah) - had to think in the positive that so many struggle to even concieve that my 'accident' HAD to be 'meant to be'. Everthing happens for a reason. That kinda thing. It's somewhat twee, but y'know, it helped me adjust to the pregnancy, and then again when I found out he was a he. THis is what has sent me, and with time I'll see it's what is meant.

So, I moved from devastated, to accepting. Not excited, mind. He was born and I was shocked to find that whilst I loved DD fiercely, I fell in love with DS. Immediately. To this day (12 now), he's a true sweetheart. Yeah, he is 'typically' boy in lots of the negative ways I'd dreaded, but hes also 'typically' boy in others that I hadn't known - snuggly/cuddly for their Mum, funny/silly, sweetly thouhtful, and, this may seem odd, but he inspired a real feeling of 'I'm raising a litte man - this is my chance to put a good man out there into the world...' (and I'm not even a misandrist!). Plus, the usual 'oh my goodness, he's goreously handsome!' feelings we all get about our own

As a ps, I'm currently pregnant again. I didn't think I had a preference, knowing as I do, that whatever the sex, it all works out. It's another DS and I couldn't be happier. Can't wait to snuggle him! If Ican move through from utter dispair at one boy to elation at another, you can, and will work this out.

You're not a monster. You're not abnormal. You're not even ungrateful, that's clear. You're bloody human, is all... and as such I'm confident you're gonna look back on this, when you've fallen head over heels with your bundle, and have learnt from it.

Good luck!

(wow, sorry for the essay. I do tend to be a bit wordy)

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LittleOneMum · 28/01/2010 12:46

Don't let anyone make you feel bad! I have a DS aged 2, and I simply adore him. he is the brightest funniest, cuddly boy and is the light of my life. So when I found out I was expecting DC2, I was praying inside that it would be another boy ...
But (you guessed it) it is a DD and I like you had real feelings of disappointment (name was all picked out) but now weeks on I am over the moon again about having a DD instead, so it's all perfectly normal. All I can say to you is that it's totally normal and having a boy is FABULOUS. They're cuddly and sweet and love their mummies so much

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skidoodle · 28/01/2010 12:49

"I didn't want a boy, with their running, jumpin, climbing, fighting, dirty, noise."

LOL sounds like my DD

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wubblybubbly · 28/01/2010 12:54

There are some gorgeous things for girls but there are wonderfully sweet things for baby boys too!

Treat yourself to a shopping trip to Mothercare or such like and just head straight for the baby boy stuff, you'll be amazed how many super cute things there are for boys. Some shops cater for boys better than others, Mothercare are generally good and Next too.

I think I felt a little bit similar to you, I'd always expected to have a girl first, so it did take a bit of adjusting. Now, I think little boys are the best thing ever, or at least mine is

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Chooster · 28/01/2010 12:57

Just one thing to add to all the other great advice is that, as its your first, at the moment the only thing you can relate to is what your buying for the baby and what experience you've had of other peoples children. As you'll see it all changes when you hold your baby so dont feel guilty for feelings like this. I had a preference for a boy when I was pregnant with DC1 and was so thrilled when he was a boy, but that was only because I just imagined a boy. When pregnant with DC2 I really really didn't mind as I knew I would totally love him / her.

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MandaHugNKiss · 28/01/2010 12:57

Heh, you know what, that's partly it, too, skidoodle. That's why I put 'typically' in bunny ears. We have, with or without experience, preconceived ideas about what it means to be (or have) a boy/girl.

It all works out though because we love the little person rather than what's between their legs!

But I SO understand OP's feelings, because she doesn't yet know this, and feelings, irrational or not, aren't something we have complete control over. And maybe it's my gushy, soppy hormones (thanks, pregnancy) but I didn't have the 'net all those years ago when I was going through it, nor anyone I could really talk to about it - it feels good to be able to share my experience and reassure that it Will Be Ok.

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stressheaderic · 28/01/2010 12:59

amatista - I feel the same as you, only the other way round. Can't voice it out loud to anyone, it's utterly irrational but would just prefer a boy... I only have 4 weeks til the baby is due and I'm sure (I hope) I won't care by then, iI will just want my baby out safe and sound.

Perhaps it's because I'm a bit tomboyish....I LOVE little boys clothes, all tractors and dinosaurs, in fab shades of orange and green and brown and navy....much nicer than pink, pink and nothing but pink.

No doubt I will read this back in a month's time, if we have a daughter, and think - what was I playing at? You love 'em no matter what.

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Josie22 · 28/01/2010 13:03

Don't feel guilty at all - its perfectly natural. I was convinced I was having a boy that when they told me it was a girl I just couldn't believe it. I wasn't upset - just shocked as I was so convinced it was a boy(no idea why really though!). I was glad to have found out at the scan so I had time to adjust to it all - which you will too now you know so please don't beat yourself up about it.

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cheesypopfan · 28/01/2010 13:20

gosh, just want to echo that you mustn't feel bad about this. I really wanted a girl first time round, didn't have a gender scan (weren't offered then)and did feel slight disappointment when DS was born. It was very short lived, though. You will totally love your baby whatever and those small fears will go (although, if I'm honest, did miss buying the beautiful girls clothes - my sis never had girls and has relished buying clothes for my two dd's - perfectly normal and doesn't mean you don't love your child!). Just try to relax and enjoy your pregnancy, and just try to accept that how you are feeling is ok. I am so glad there are sites like this where people can be open and honest about their fears without (for the most part at least) the fear that people you know and love may judge you

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