Would you like to be a member of our research panel? Join here - there's (nearly) always a great incentive offered for your views.

Newly Pregnant and Scared

(75 Posts)
NellyE Mon 25-Jan-10 11:46:57

I'd really like some help if anyone can offer any. I'm 34 and found out a week ago I'm pregnant with my first. Since then, I've just felt totally freaked out. It was planned, but happened very quickly. Since I found out I've just felt scared and worried - I can't seem to summon any excitement or happiness about what's ahead. Everything's going to change and I'm terrified I won't be able to cope.

This makes me feel terrible, as I know there are so many people who would kill to be in my position, and I know I should be more grateful.

Did anyone else feel like this when they got pregnant? And is there anything I can do to help with these negative feelings and stop being so damn freaked out?

If you can offer any reassurance, I'd love to hear it. Thank you.

beannachd Mon 11-Apr-11 18:15:05

I happened to find this thread by chance, by typing in pregnant and scared. I've literally just found out today. I had an idea I was and tried not to think about it. But eventually I knew I was going to have to do a test. mThe first test came up so faint that I tried to convince myself it was wrong, but I did a second one which confirmed it.

Just like Nelly, my OH is delighted, as is my family. All I've been doing is crying whenever I think about it. The overwhelming fear and panic just gets the better of me. I just never imagined actually being pregnant - especially so quickly, and even though we had tried! I'm 33 and felt like I was going to be an older mum, but I guess nowadays, 30s are the new 20s....at least that's what I tell myself

So reading all these makes me feel like I'm not alone, and things will get better. I will see a doc and speak about how scared I am too. Thank you for this thread, as it has reassured me and others it seems that everything might just be ok.

Sarah

Hi Sarah, feel free to come and join us over here

Lots of worrying and handholding from newbies to more experienced mums!

NotGoodPlace Fri 13-May-11 10:43:25

I feel EXACTLY the same and, if I could, I would not be pregnant right now.

I have spent a long time thinking about whether I want children or not and still don't know the answer. All I know is that it's always freaked me out and my hubby does want them. So I've felt a bad wife and I've felt the pressure and guilt since we got married.

I found out I am 5+ weeks pregnant and I have fallen apart. I have spiraled into a severe depression and can hardly function. I want my life back and I want never to have done this to my husband. I know I have choices but I don't know what to do. I don't want this inside me and I don't want to be defined by a pregnancy or by being a mum. I have never wanted this. But feel I should have ALWAYS wanted this.

I am getting through each day but don't know how. My husband wants to be happy but I am making him miserable and what should be a happy time for him is an awful time because of me.

I am making myself get up and get on with it and trying to pretend nothing is happening. My doctor wasn't helpful and just told me to decide whether to have the baby or not. I can't even cope with hearing the word baby as I don't want to be in this position.

I wish I was stronger to say yes I'll go through with it but I don't think I can. I've got what so many people want and I don't want it. I am an awful and not normal person surely.

I have started to see a counselor but it's not stopping me waking up and panicking.

Any thoughts welcome and hope this doesn't offend anyone.

d0gFace Fri 13-May-11 10:59:52

Im glad you're talking to someone about how you are feeling. I hope you start feeling more positive about yourself and the situation you find yourself in.

It doesnt have to be the end of life as you know it and just because you dont feel happy doesnt make you an awful person. Everyone's different and trying to compare yourself to others just doest make sence. You're your own person and whats right for you might not be whats right for someone else.

Try and imagine if someone else wrote your post and what your reply would be to them.

Good luck and take it easy!

NotGoodPlace Mon 16-May-11 09:40:25

How are you now?
I just blogged as I'm in the same position and don't want to be in this situation - pregnant or having to be making decisions or feeling guilty etc etc. I feel awful ...

creative11 Sat 20-Aug-11 15:35:15

Hi All I am new here, as I feel like I have made a really bad decision, seemed like a good idea about 3 months ago when I first brought the subject up with my partner of 6 years. He was never that bothered about having a child of his own as we have my 9 year old, who he adores as she was his own, but he decided to go along with my idea to make me happy, but then I decided it was probably bad idea after all - as we havent been getting along and to be honest keep thinking about leaving him, hes not done anything wrong I am just really bored with him (I know sounds awful)...anyway found out yesterday I am 4 weeks pregnant and really not happy whatsoever, don't know what to do, cant work, cant sleep, just feel like eating loads but then I feel bloated really quickly...I work for myself and just don;t know how I am going to cope, plus we don't have much money so feel under pressure to work more but just wish I could give up, sorry to have such a moan, but just don't feel like I can talk to anyone atm.

themightyskim Sat 20-Aug-11 21:34:38

I know you have had a lot of answers already but I have to agree with you, we have been trying for a while and Ive been desperate to see a positive test, I found out yesterday and I think im just over 5 weeks and I am terrified lol, im talking myself in to a miscarriage already im so freaked out, all I can say it my hormones have run riot this month, Ive had a huge row with my boss and I genuinely amd not that sort of person, I cried listening to the radio the other day because some boy had got A's on his A levels (and lord hell me ive just welled up thinking about that ha ha)

I think its perfectly natural for someone to feel like that when its something you really want especially if its your first or taken a while so rest easy, try to relax and try to enjoy what little peace and quiet you have left !! x x x

Praline27 Wed 09-Nov-11 12:45:40

I am so glad I stumbled on this site. It's made me cry that so many other women feel like this about being pregnant. I'm 39 and in a very happy strong relationship. I didn't care if I ever had kids but my boyfreind is very broody and we decided to stop preventing it. I got pregnant within 3 weeks! I thought it would take ages and I'm in shock. Most of my freinds have kids and they all seemed immediately happy and excited to be pregnant and I'm not sure I can go through with it. This sounds awful but if I had a miscarriage I would be so relieved. The advice on this page has made me feel abit calmer and that other people feel like this helps me. I don't even want to think about the birth as I'm convinced I will actually die.
I feel guilty about feeling this way but perhaps it's more normal than I thought. As a few other people have said, my partner is really happy but he is trying to hide it as he knows I'm struggling to accept it. I wish all of is newly pregant terrified women the best of luck, because if I can do this then I know you can.

ITryToBeZenBut Wed 09-Nov-11 17:24:13

Hi Nelly

I felt the same too. Same age as you and been with OH for 6 years and we decided to try after hearing it might take a while and i was shell-shocked when it happened straight away.

I do think a lot of it could be hormonal. I felt a bit disconnected from it all for the first 4 months and not happy as I felt to physically ill but guilty as I knew others would kill to be in my position - but at 6 months now, I feel differently. My hormones have shifted, I feel happier and generally more connected to the little person in me.

It'll all be ok. It's normal and I think when it happens so quickly you just haven't mentally prepared in the same way but that'll come. If it doesn't shift, do talk about it like others suggest with midwife etc but heopfully you see how how usual it is.

sweetpea36 Sun 13-Nov-11 21:50:11

Just wanted to say thanks for posting this - I thought I was the only person who felt like this! I've wanted to have children for ages, am 36 so thought it would take ages, so decided to come off the pill, then it took about a month. Feel like I should be overjoyed but I actually just feel exhausted, ill and stressed, also terrified that I don't know anything about babies and won't know how to look after one...so glad I'm not the only person that has ever felt like this. The worst thing is feeling guilty and thinking that I should be really happy, glowing, etc. Hope you start to feel better soon x

Gingerelle Thu 15-Dec-11 21:12:49

Hi - wow it is so good to read this thread. I found out I was pregnant yesterday (test said conceived 2-3 weeks ago but I'm guessing in GP terms that means more like 5??) and I am so sacred. Been with my boyfriend for 3 years and we decided a few months ago we would try, so I came off the pill, but he then got the fear about it all and I was feeling a bit wobbly too so we decided to wait a bit. I didn't go back on the pill and I guess we were a bit careless with the precautions and now I'm pregnant. Even though 2 months ago I thought this was exactly what I wanted I am now terrified. Boyfriend is in complete shock too, worried about how we'll afford it etc and I think if he were honest would prefer us not to continue with the pregnancy, but that just doesn't feel right for me, especially as we have said for a long time that we've known we want to have a family together one day. How have other people's other halves taken the news? He said tonight he wants to be more supportive but he's completely freaked out about it all, and frankly I feel the same. This is just so not how I pictured it all happening/feeling....

QTPie Thu 15-Dec-11 21:55:55

Hi

I was 35 (almost 36) when I had my DS. It is a HUGE change and only natural to feel apprehensive (older parents are more settled in their ways and lifestyles and so it can be more daunting.... however older parents also have a lot of experience and that can bring a lot to the table too - so it is not all downs!)

You may be different from me, but I found a LOT of reassurance (and constructive input) from reading books..... "What to Expect when you are Expecting", "What to Expect in the First Year" (didn't read too far ahead, though), "Secrets of the Baby Whisperer", Gina Ford's book etc (for ideas).

I am not a "natural mother" and have had VERY little to do with babies before DS, BUT you can become very knowledgeable (and it REALLY DOES HELP!) through reading a variety of books and "picking and choosing" ideas and advice.

Your life will change hugely, but you are in for the most exciting ride! smile

If it is any consolation, you can rediscover yourself afterwards:
- I wiegh 10lbs less than pre-pregnancy (was 9st 12lbs before preganncy, dropped down to 8st 12lbs at my lowest, have been 9st 2lbs for the past 10 months ish) - thanks to breastfeeding and a very active toddler (I don't diet)!
- despite all the horror stories - we found breastfeeding easy (no bleeding or cracking or pain).
- I have been exercising 4 times a week for the past 6 months (before that was twice a week since DS was 8 weeks old - he was born by ELCS).
- In January we will go for our fourth transatlantic holiday since DS was born (he will just turn 2 in January). It will also be our second ski trip. We take him on ALL holidays (he is a great traveller! We take the in-alws with us to share looking after him).
- DS slept through the night from 3 months old, apart from a very dodgy (teething) patch between 13 and 19 months (he was very "on and off" during that time and DH and I took turns, if he woke, sleeping on a mattress next to his cot).
- The past 9 months have been excellent - DS naps 2 to 3 hours each afternoon in his cot: gives me lots of time to do things, nap or relax. However DS has been on a (baby led, parent encouraged) routine since 5 weeks old.... so he has always been predictable and I have always been able to "plan my days" around him (he didn't need feeding between 12 and 4 - so I would take him out then for lunch/shopping etc).

All pregnancies, births and babies are different, but you actually do have a lot of control over "how things turn out". Having a child certainly doesn't have to be the end to your figure/life/career/holidays etc.... It IS a big shake up for the first few weeks, but you can take control and rebuild your life around your baby in a way that suits you.

Good luck - incredibly exciting :smile:

Gingerelle Fri 16-Dec-11 19:27:22

Thanks QTPie, that's really reassuring. Feeling a little better today though still waves of the 'oh god what have we done', although they are definitely easing up a bit. Hopefully the shock will wear off soon and things will start to feel calmer. I've followed your suggestion and been doing a bit of reading which has definitely helped, going to suggest to other half too that he does the same as it's has helped a lot. Thanks again xx

Sunyata Wed 28-Dec-11 11:03:20

Hi all,

Many thanks for this post. I cried as I read some of the posts.

My husband desperately wants a baby and has a life plan for us (two kids close together). As much as I love him and his ambition, I don't feel ready to have a child. Don't get me wrong, I feel very privileged to be pregnant (9 weeks) especially as I know that there are so many people that want a child but I'm terrified.

At the moment, I feel scared because I'm worried that something is going to go wrong but that's about as maternal as I feel. I'm really worried that I'm not going to attach to it and how drastically my life is going to change. I've tried to talk to my Husband about this but he thinks I'm being daft.

He was great at first and really excited but seems to have split behaviours over the situation. I'm not sure his lifestyle is going to change as much as mine; maybe just get grumpy at not getting enough sleep.

I'd just started a new promotion when I found out I was pregnant and have had different reactions to it. One manager said that "It's not great timing and I'm going to expect more of you". I feel like I'm jumping through hoops for everyone at the minute and it seems to be overlooked that I feel completely drained and lost. I just don't think my Husband understands either because he keeps asking "Why are you so tired?". I don't want to deal with this on my own but I feel like I can't approach the subject without him getting defensive.

What I'm really scared of is completely losing my identity; I don't just want to be someone's Mum. Sorry if it seems like I'm moaning but I really do feel quite lost and criticised.

sad

NinaMu Wed 04-Jan-12 08:31:02

Quite happy I found this thread. I found out I was pregnant last week which was fantastic news and I was unbelievably happy but now I suddenly feel totally terrified.

We've only been married 5 months and though this baby is 'planned' we really didn't expect it to come this soon.

Don't get me wrong I want a baby more than anything but I am terrified about the practical issues- the lease on our house runs out in June and so we have to search for another suitable, affordable rental property and then move when I am 6-7 months pregnant...

And really worried about finances too. I can't afford to give up work and I am almost an hour's commute away working quite long hours (with a very inflexible employer) Hopefully they will let me go part time but even then childcare costs seem very expensive- I just don't know how we can afford to live but yet still spend enough quality time with our baby. I know maybe I seem irresponsible getting pregnant while our finances aren't perfect, but to be honest they are not going to be perfect for at least 10 years and by then I'll be over 40...

I know this just sounds like a ramble but this is all the worries that have kept me awake at night.

I really want this baby but I am totally terrified!

Hulagirl Wed 04-Jan-12 18:49:19

I don't want to be pg but can't bring myself to terminate. Feel out of control and trapped. Taking my folic acid, avoiding pate, but every minute of every day I want this baby to go away. If I had mc now I would feel nothing but relief. Evil I know when so many can't get pg, but baby at this point in my life would make things so difficult, and I want my life back. I thought I wanted this. I thought I could handle it at this point. I was stupid and naive.

Amanda1979 Sat 28-Jan-12 17:19:11

Hi I am 32 and 8 weeks pregnant and I haven't enjoyed any part of those 8 weeks. I feel scared and anxious and keep feeling like I can't go on with the pregnancy. I fell pregnant 3 years ago but at 1 month couldnt cope with my emotions and I terminated my pregnacy and it was awful. I feel so ashamed to be thinking that again but my emotions are just so in a muddle. I suffer from anxiety and depression and I think falling pregnant has triggered these feelings off. My partner is so upset that I'm not happy about us getting pregnant and really wants the baby. I just can not find anything positive about having a baby even though I've longed for one since the age of 16. Everyone tells me I will be a perfect mum as I love my nephews unconditinally and have been part of there life since day one. I am great with children and love them to bits. Why do I feel like this? Is it normal? When I'm not pregnant I want to be so much but now I am I feel like I can't cope : (( Help

Amanda1979 Sat 28-Jan-12 17:32:25

Hi all, I am so glad I found this site. Reading all your messages makes me feel not so alone. I thought it was just me that was freaked out and having second thoughts but seems like I'm not the only one. Anyone have morning sickness or should I say all day and night sickness? If so when does it ease along with the roller coaster of emotions? I feel like I can't take another day sad

Pamsters Sat 11-Feb-12 20:27:11

I too suffer from a severe anxiety disorder-and I am already feeling better knowing that there's others out there feeling the way I do and that I'm not alone.

I am 30, 9 weeks prego, have an amazing husband who understands my anxiety, he has 2 kids whom I adore and who adore me. We have joint custody with the boys and I love being their step mom.

Our pregnancy was planned, and like many others happened within the first month of trying-and like many of you I thought I would have more time to prepare.

My doc said to come off my anxiety meds, which I did and now am a depressed, panic stricken, tearful mess!! I guess it must be normal to feel like this, and being a long term anxiety sufferer, it's nothing I haven't felt before. I'm doubting the future, whether I'll be a good mum, scared we've made a mistake, scared I'll lose my identity and 'just be someone's mum'....

Ladies if I can get through this then so can you. It must be the scariest, most exciting, most daunting life changing experience we will ever go through-but I'm determined that it's gonna be amazing. I wish all of us the best of luck with our pregnancies and Im so glad I found this thread.

Purplecatti Sat 25-Feb-12 19:12:55

All I can say is, THANK GOD FOR THIS THREAD.
I found out yesterday that I am pregnant and I still can't believe it.I came off the pill last September and had the 'if it happens it happens' approach (husband really wants a baby, he will be thrilled). I didn't really believe it could happen at all to be honest. Actually I haven't had 'aunty flo' since December, and I will feel pretty stupid at the doctors that I just thought I was really late (got baad cramps, swollen all over) and had a fluey bug for while (headaches, blocked nose, bone tired). But I figured I would feel all glowy or something, certainly not grotty as I do.
But it has and I feel awful that I am not grinning with joy. My emotions are running from sheer panic to 'what have I done?' back to sheer panic
I am scared witless.
- I've never had anything to do with babies
- I'm knackered after my stepdaughter stays a weekend, how will I cope with a lifetime???
- I feel horribly vain for saying this but I love my 36,26,36 figure and it will be ruined
- I don't really know what to expect.
- I have a rather humongous bra size for my frame and I'm dreading them getting bigger, and then horrid and droopy
- I'm not really into kids in general
- my mother in law is a total nightmare and unfortunately lives only 10 miles away. My parents are 200 miles away and this has had me in tears. Actually everything has had me in tears lately, the toothpaste fell off my toothbrush this morning and I was in floods.
- I'm scared of giving birth, I've never so much as had a smear before (silly I know). But the only person I've ever taken my pants off for has been my husband and that's what has gotten me into this mess in the first place.
- I went into the maternity wear bit of a shop today and had to run out in a blind panic
- I have no local friends and live in an apartment where there are no other babies. I don't want to feel alone. I've googled baby groups in my area and they are all miles away.
- I hate my job, and now I feel like I will have to be stuck there forever.

I haven't told husband yet, I'd so planned to tell him with joy, I've dream of this moment for months but now that it has actually happened I haven't reacted the way I'd thought or wanted to. I don't want to be the dampener on his euphoria. Plus my stepdaughter is here this weekend, I'd rather we were alone.

I just keep thinking I'll come on my period late and I can put this nightmare behind me.
I also really really hope I don't continue to feel this way.

Maizey007 Thu 08-Mar-12 19:45:11

I am a level headed femail with one child already but am petrified of doing it again. I am 38 now soon to be 39 but really want another baby but only if someone else can go through the pregnancy for me!
My last pregnancy was a nightmare. Let me explain. Her dad was never there and was unfaithful but he still insisted on feeding me up for the sake of the baby, as a consequence I went form a size 12 to. 22. My daughters early life was ruled by him being an alcoholic and general bully who never wanted to be intimate in anyway. I blamed myself as I got so big. He eventually left me , on my birthday, for another woman when daughter was 3.
I have been with my new man for 8 years and he would love to have a child with me but my previous pregnancy and what happened still haunt me. Also the labour lasted for 22 hours and that has put me off loads.
We are okish financially but I would have to give up my job for maternity and my parents have moved away so I don't have their support.
God it's a nightmare. I don't know if I'm pregnant or not as I haven't done a test I just think I needed to vent.
Anyone?
Also I think I'm too old as I was 25 when I had my daughter. No offence to anyone who is 39 smile
Help!

saskia80 Tue 15-May-12 20:42:56

Found this thread while googling pregnant and scared. Can't quite believe this is real at the moment. Have been with the my partner a year and blissfully happy, though it has always been complicated as he already has 3 children and was going through a messy divorce which finally ended last week. In the past I had always been unsure whether I wanted to be a Mum but recently started to feel I wanted one. We didn't 'try' though stopped preventing for the last month or so but I had been told for years that I may have difficulty concieving and was never ovulating when doctors tested it so I convinced myself it wouldn't happen. Then last week i had a 'weird' period, starting bleeding then stopping by midday for about 5 days running. Did a test on Sunday thinking it would rule out being pregnant but guess what.... Was shocked to start with then started to feel happy but by the end of the day and since I have been a complete mess. Sobbing uncontrollably then having calm moments where I think get on with it now it's happened, be glad. My partner seemed happy but I was paranoid that was just for my sake as he agreed it is bad timing as we don't live together yet (advice from out solicitor due to divorce) & his home is under threat due to the divorce settlement and debts his wife left. Went to the doctors today and felt overwhelmed when she started to refer to midwives etc & blurted out I wanted to know about other options so she has arranged pre termination checks in case I can't go on. Feel like the lowest of the low, when we left the doctors my partner said he was excited but now he wonders whether we should terminate as he has never seen me so miserable. I felt weirdly calmer after knowing at least I had the option to stop this if I choose to and started to feel happy but as the day has gone on I'm back to panicking. I like the idea of the baby at the end but pregnancy has always freaked me out & I struggle to watch anything like one born every minute as stupid as it sounds it all looks unnatural to me. Scared it will ruin our relationship as we have lots of pressure on us without this & issues over discipline with his 3 kids. We barely have any time alone maybe one evening if we're lucky and the odd afternoon here or there and with waiting so long for his divorce I fianlly felt we were going to have some time just about us but feel like that's lost now. Can't stop shaking and my heart is racing all the time with nerves of it all sad

scooby0412 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:55:55

this thread has been really amazing. I would love to just meet up with all of you where I could just share my worries without being judged.

scooby0412 Thu 07-Jun-12 16:59:15

i am considering starting a family with my husband but feel very scared and anxious. Is this normal and will I always feel like this ? I worry how I'll cope with pregnancy, the birth, sleepless nights and lack of freedom ................

EmilyD2012 Thu 07-Jun-12 17:06:35

It's totally normal, please don't feel terrible! It came in phases with me, I was completely terrified at the start and kept panicking about whether or not I'd be able to cope. It settled down at around 16 weeks as I got used to my changing shape, and by the 20 week scan I was more excited than ever. At 38 weeks the fear came back and I went through the whole 'omg this is too huge' thing again. Now, at 39+6, I am desperate to get started - I'm sure its the anticipation / fear of the unknown that makes it frightening!

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now