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Newly Pregnant and Scared

(73 Posts)
NellyE Mon 25-Jan-10 11:46:57

I'd really like some help if anyone can offer any. I'm 34 and found out a week ago I'm pregnant with my first. Since then, I've just felt totally freaked out. It was planned, but happened very quickly. Since I found out I've just felt scared and worried - I can't seem to summon any excitement or happiness about what's ahead. Everything's going to change and I'm terrified I won't be able to cope.

This makes me feel terrible, as I know there are so many people who would kill to be in my position, and I know I should be more grateful.

Did anyone else feel like this when they got pregnant? And is there anything I can do to help with these negative feelings and stop being so damn freaked out?

If you can offer any reassurance, I'd love to hear it. Thank you.

you need to ta;lk to your MW - this might just be normal pg nerves or it might be antenatal depression. either way, talking about it (and treatment if necessary) will help.
What specifically are you worried about coping with? birth or baby?
congratulations btw

beakysmum Mon 25-Jan-10 11:50:55

Hi! Oh, poor you!

Don't worry, it IS completely overwhelming, even when it was planned. And I would imagine if it happens quickly (never happened to me!) you come from "Wouldn't it be nice if..... " to "OMG!" in about 3 weeks!

Don't worry, you will cope, it'll be fine. And you've got weeks more before you need to tell anyone, so you can use that time to get used to the news yourself first.

What does your DP think?

NellyE Mon 25-Jan-10 12:12:29

I'm very scared about the birth but also what comes afterwards and actually having to cope with a baby. My partner is very happy, so this is making me feel even more guilty.
I guess I just wanted to know it's normal to feel scared and overwhelmed, but that it passes...At least, that's what I'm hoping.

well both times with mine (very much planned) I've had a day or so of "OMG what have I done?!" after the initial euphoria has worn off

marzini Mon 25-Jan-10 12:22:09

i was exactly the same, and think it is completly normal. We had been together 10 years when last christmas we decided to have a try, first month found out i was pregnant, i had convinced myself that we didn't need to put too much thought into what we would do with a baby because it would take ages. Unfortunatly that pregnancy ended in MMC at 10 weeks and it wasn;t until that happended that we realised how much we actually wanted the baby. I am not suggesting that you will have any problems but you are bound to be feeling funny about the whole thing with all the extra hormones rushing around your body, but you will be fine, you will cope, and you will have a lovely baby at the end.

As i write this i am 3 days overdue and last night whilst sat in bed DH turns to me and says "what are we going to do with the baby when you go back to work?" so don't stress you will be fine x

ShowOfHands Mon 25-Jan-10 12:30:08

It's normal. smile

The thing is, at the moment, you have no basis for reference. You've never put on a lot of weight in 9 months, grown a child, given birth, had a newborn etc. Of course it's frightening because you only know that your body will change and labour probably hurts and a newborn wakes up a lot and it's done now. The rest of your life has changed in the 3 minutes it took to take a test. There's little else in life that will do that to you.

What you don't know is everything else besides. The instincts, the happy hormones, the sheer, unadulterated, fierce, overwhelming joy of holding your baby. The pleasure, the love, the pride. Nobody can tell you what that feels like and there is no comparison.

You will be fine, absolutely fine.

Don't be ashamed or worried that it's abnormal to feel this way. Talk to people and to your midwife. It should pass and be replaced with anticipation and happiness (and still a little bit of fear probably), but if it doesn't there's help available.

Congratulations, you've got a lovely time ahead of you.

LuckyC Mon 25-Jan-10 12:34:24

NellyE, I could have and probably did write this post 6 months ago. Fell pregnant with my first in 9 seconds, not the 9 months I was expecting (am 35).

Completely panicked/ freaked. Had to stop telling people as burst into tears every time I told someone - sobbed on the phone to my mum - while they were all 'Congratulations! So excited for you!' etc.

Without sounding like a terrible ungrateful person, I think that if I had tried and failed to conceive for a couple of months, I would have been so much readier for it and happier about it - do you think that, too?

Bets advice I had was just to walk away from it for a week - let it slowly settle as an idea instead of actively trying to engage with it. Indulge yourself a bit, take it easy.

Do NOT underestimate the hormonal changes - they are having a massive and extremely unsettling impact on you right now. These too will settle. Come and get support on MN if you need it.

If you are prone to depression, maybe ask your GP about antenatal depression.

Don't worry - you're completely normal. Somewhere between 9 and 12 weeks my hormones settled and I started to get my head around it all. I am about 26 weeks now and have started really enjoying being pregnant. Most of the time, anyway. I am pretty sure you will be the same, even if it's hard to believe now.

Go now and have chocolate muffin/walk/massage, whatever you like, and then have a week off worrying. Good luck, come back if you need us.

ShowOfHands Mon 25-Jan-10 12:42:33

Before I found out I was pg I stood in the middle of the supermarket and sobbed because there were too many bubblebaths to choose from. I am a sane, stable, happy, well-adjusted human being. DH had to take me home. Two days later I found out I was pg. Your hormones have a big impact quite quickly but it settles!

(although <whiper> also whilst pg I sobbed because the man in front of me in the supermarket was very old and had a basket containing only cat food and a tin of value soup)

Stay away from supermarkets.

DJAmber Mon 25-Jan-10 13:25:01

Don't fret, it's completely normal....at least I went through exactly the same. At 39 my DH and I decided to see 'if we could get pregnant' assuming that age wasn't on our side and was unlikely to happen, or at least happen quickly. We decided to give it a go straight after we got married and I fell pregnant on honeymoon....fast forward a few weeks and a positive test and I was one freaked out bunny. I spent most of my pregnancy in denial and thinking OMG what if I've made a mistake, my life will never be the same, I'm 39 and used to my own space - how am I going to cope with such a change etc etc. I was also very honest about my feelings with people. Admittedly, people weren't quite sure how to respond when asked if I was excited and I said 'no, I'm absolutely terrified'. I was also concerned because I didn't feel I bonded at all with my baby whilst I was pregnant. Well my LO is now 2 weeks old and I can honestly say that it was the best thing i've ever done. Don't get me wrong, childbirth was no breeze and I hated being pregnant from day 1 but that's all forgotten once you look into your LO's face and give them a cuddle. Even at 2 in the morning when they're refusing to sleep, nothing else compares.

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Scotlian Mon 25-Jan-10 14:41:44

Hi Nelly

Echoing what most folk here have said, I reckon it's very common to feel this way due to hormones and a SANE realisation of the massive change it's going to be. Not sure this will help, but I think it's way better to be realistically prepared for the bombshell that is a new baby - esp if you've had years of being fancyfree - than go all gooey-baby-fairy-land and then be shocked by how hard it can/might be. I had no idea what was coming and as a result had post natal depression for a bit after ds was born...he is the best thing ever, I love him to bits, but I'd have much preferred feeling terrified/anxious/down before he was born when I could have acted on it, rather than when it was too late! You can still talk to MW, DP, GP, friends, family, and enlist all their support. You can make plans to cope before you need to and you know, it'll probably all be fine, but at least you'll be prepared! So your worries might just be your best friends if you listen to them and act on them...

...don't want to paint horrible picture of motherhood, at all at all, I love it now! But imho the trend towards assuming all mums must be delighted and all babies will be bundles of joy and peace is just unhelpful.

Rant over blush

All the best! Keep us posted!

elp34 Mon 25-Jan-10 15:22:17

I totally agree with LuckyC i could of written the same 9 months ago too. I'm 34 and due anyday now with my first and i am still having days like you but i know it is perfectly normal according to all my friends with babies.

It's just the unknown and i don't think it is anything to feel guilty about.

Wishing you all the best in the coming months.

NellyE Mon 25-Jan-10 17:32:47

Thank you everyone. It's so good to know I'm not alone and other people have felt the same way as me. I really appreciate all your lovely messages and kind wishes.

millimurphy Mon 08-Nov-10 17:44:25

Sorry to have bumped up an old thread - but it came up when I googled 'pregnant and scared'. I am 37 and I think about 5+ weeks pregnant and I don't know what to do. Everything has spirraled out of control, so parents, siblings, the family dog all know. Everyone is so pleased for me and telling me congratulations, but I just feel so scared. I am not sure I can cope with the responsibility of another small person.

I hadn't got round to changing my doctors when I moved in with my husband - so I went to see my original doctor and all he has said is that I need to change my doctor to someone closer. So I am not even registered with a midwife yet.

I feel so tired and had to sleep this afternoon - but still feel worn out now. I don't even know if I like babies - I keep looking at pictures of them to see if I feel maternal and I don't feel anything. Just sort of feel resentful that something alien has hi-jacked my body. Sorry to ramble

ninnybanks Mon 08-Nov-10 18:48:17

I found out over 5years ago that my eggs were poor quality and I couldnt have my own baby. After years of deliberation, consideration, stress and turmoil we have finally concievd with donor eggs. I expected this to make me the happiest woman alive, I prayed for this to happen every night for the last 5 years...so why am I so upset and confused? I am sick to my stomach with stress that I have done the wrong thing, I cant feel happy or excited just nervous, sick and tearful. My fantastic husband is totally freaked out by my reaction to this "great news" and so am I. We have dedicated our lives and most of our savings to achieving this pregnancy and now I am petrified that its going to ruin our perfect relationship, that I wont bond with them, that I have messed around with nature , that we wont cope . Why am I reacting like this...what the hell is wrong with me? I am so disapointed with myself for not feeling happy. Am I completely mad? Help please!x

southlondonlady Mon 08-Nov-10 20:29:16

Hello...just to say that I felt exactly like this at the start, very anxious, panicky and just awful.

A friend pointed out that trying to get pregnant and actually being pregnant are very different things, and for the first few weeks you should expect to be in shock and taking time to get your head around what is a huge thing. For me it got loads better around the 10-12 week mark when the hormones start to settle.

Write it all down in a journal and talk through with people you trust. Also confide in your midwife if you have a nice one, they have heard it all before.

I am 6 months along now and v excited! Good luck.

thefurryone Mon 08-Nov-10 20:41:00

Hi millimurphy & ninnybanks, there is nothing wrong with either of you. I'm 34 and found out I was pregnant at the end of August and went into quite a deep shock that lasted for well over a month, my DH was desperate to tell his parents and I had to keep putting him off as telling them would have meant admitting that it had actually happened. I had told one friend and I couldn't even talk to her about it as it would have meant admitting it was actually happening. I'm now 16 weeks and definitely getting used to the idea and now I'm not feeling constantly sick am really excited .

Also Ninnybanks I think your reaction is totally understandable, not only have you spent five years trying to get pregnant but (I'm assuming) five years convinced that you wouldn't. We tried for 18 months and I was convinced we would just be childless, it took a while sink in that I'd actually been lucky enough to get the good outcome as I'd spent so long protecting myself in case it didn't.

littlerayofsunshine26 Wed 10-Nov-10 10:53:36

I have just been reading the latest threads and am thrilled that I'm also not alone - having been told by infertility specialists that I couldn't have children we were beginning to look at the option of adoption, we moved out of our house 2 weeks ago to get it refurbished, so liviing out of boxes in friends houses only to discover that I am in fact 6 weeks pregnant and know that I should be thrilled and hugely excited as it seems like a miracle - only thing is i'm completely overwhelmed by the whole thing - morning sickness isn't helping and as i have an underlying medical condition I appear to be in constant fear of something bad happening. I am off to have an early scan next week to ensure there is a heart beat and I am hoping that when I get past the feeling sick phase I'll be able to get super excited but am also glad to read that it's not just me going mad! xx

ninnybanks Fri 12-Nov-10 16:00:34

Are there any mum or mums to be out there who have gone down the donor egg route?
I was so settled with the whole idea before and now I am actually pregnant all the predictable fears about bonding etc have re-surfaced. Also I am having my first scan next week and feel petrified that if its twins I will just freak out ...3 months ago twins was my dream!
I am ok with this if it all goes away eventually, but am so gutted that I am not enjoying this time more.
I have to stop worrying that this little baby is not mine ...stop feeling like it is a little alien intruder. Its what I have wanted for so long, I just cant stand the way I am feeling at the moment. I am also reluctant to tell people as I am afraid they will see how miserable I am and think I am mad!
xx

happycamel Fri 12-Nov-10 21:24:07

Hi Ninny, maybe post your last question in a separate thread with "donor eggs" as the title - it's maybe a bit too hidden here for someone with the same experience (guessing that'll be relatively few people) to spot it. For the same reason you might need to bump it a few times to get a response but don't be disheartened, someone will come along.

From my own experience (19 wks with #1) the baby is mine and DH's and it still feels like an alien, especially when it kicks. I think that bit is normal. This was planned but have to say I wasn't really happy or excited until the scan - that really helped me bond for a while. It's been 8 weeks since that now and I feel in need of another one so I visualise it as a baby and not a weird uncomfortable thing.

The hormones and sickness don't help. For the first 13 weeks I felt ill, not pregnant. It's hard to feel happy about being ill. Relax and try not to think about what you "should" be feeling, just take each day as it comes. As you can see from all the above posts and other threads - what you're feeling isn't unusual for people without donor eggs so yours may be exacerbated a little (or perfectly normal but you have something to pin it on).

All the "have I done the right thing/will I cope/will my relationship survive" stuff is totally normal. For anybody. Maybe get a good pregnancy book (bet you'd get loads of responses to a thread asking for a recommendation) that will reassure you or talk to your midwife.

Maybe pay for extra private scans if you find they help you bond and maybe try buying a few little things (cute unisex clothes maybe or toys) so it all seems a bit more real.

Good luck and keep posting, it sounds like you need the support and all any of us want to do is help each other.

smaych Fri 12-Nov-10 23:35:38

I definitely felt like this too - like you, my pregnancy is very much planned and wanted, but happened very quickly. The first month we started trying!

I'm 17 weeks and still trying to cope with the scary feelings sometimes of everything changing and the fear of the unknown. I think it doesn't help that I really like the way my life is just now, and such a huge change feels like a gamble that I might not win. But I try to cut myself some slack, and distract myself by doing things like having a good laugh/watching something funny, spending time with my husband, spending time with friends and talking about the "normal" stuff we talk about rather than just baby/pregnancy stuff, treating myself occasionally by going out to lunch or going window shopping for either stuff for myself or baby gear (this was very useful for getting me really excited about it) or concentrating on a craft or hobby (I really like to knit!).

I also found that thinking or talking about the good, exciting things I was looking forward to helped. Sometimes it feels like there's a lot of stress and worry and once the initial surprise and excitement has worn off from friends and family it can start to be daunting and lonely. It's hard to stay happy and excited for such a long time, especially if your pregnancy is rough for whatever reason (for me - hyperemesis and bad ligament pain). I find that my sister is good to talk to, because every time I phone her she is just bubbling over with excitement about the baby and I always come away from the conversation feeling a bit more excited about it myself too

Good luck, I hope you start to feel more positive soon xx.

laughinglemons Fri 12-Nov-10 23:51:05

Nelly hello and thank you so much for starting this thread.

I am 34 and we are TCC#1. I have been married for 2.5 years and DP very much wants a family.

I am terrified of being pregnant, giving birth, coping with friends and family and looking after a tiny baby and dealing with the difficult toddler years...

That said I do work with children 1 day a week and the thought of not being a Mum one day is very sad, so once again thanks to Nelly and everyone else.

JMMP Fri 17-Dec-10 14:41:05

Thank god I found this thread. This is exactly how I am feeling. I found out a couple days ago. We weren't really trying, but had stopped preventing and decided we'd be happy if it happened. Well now it has, and I'm not happy. I just feel overwhelmed and like we've made a mistake. Which, of course, just makes me feel so guilty. I suddenly don't want life to change. I do love my life right now and now I can't help but wish we had at least one more year. I talked to friends with babies who all tell me it's OK, it's the best thing ever and I won't regret it. But that doesn't help how I feel NOW. Deep down, I know I'll be happy a year from now and love this child. But right now, all I want to do is cry. I don't want to talk about it, I don't want to shop for baby, I don't even want to go to the doctor (though I am tomorrow). If I'm being totally honest, I sort of wish this wasn't happening and I wasn't pregnant. That makes me feel like the world's worst mom ever. But at least now I know I'm not alone. It helps a bit to know this is normal. I hope it improves soon.

SelinaDoula Fri 17-Dec-10 14:54:47

I tried for nearly 3 years to get PG with my (now 7 year old) DD. When I finally did get PG I was terrified, not sure I wanted a baby etc
That is really normal, I think everyone experiences it to some degree.
In terms of bonding, I never really got my head around the fact that there was a live baby in there until the day I gave birth and she was put onto me by the midwife all hot and wet and alive.
I was lucky that I did bond easily and was very happy, I can assure you children change your life, but they are a constant source of joy too. Like the others say, be gentle to yourself.
A book I found helpful-
www.amazon.co.uk/How-Not-Perfect-Mother-Internatio nal/dp/0007163843
Can I also suggest, you consider a Doula?
You could find one now to support you antenatally, I have had clients from 12 weeks and they can call me anytime and get support.
www.doula.org.uk/
Selina x

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