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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Second babies - how can you love them as much as your first?

29 replies

Gangle · 18/12/2009 17:07

I am 26 weeks pregnant with DS2. I know I will love him (I do already) but I just don't know how he will ever compare to DS1, 20 months, who we both adore. I just have such an amazing intense relationship with DS1 and feel almost resentful that another baby is coming along to threaten that. Alos feel horribly guilty that DS1 will suffer as he will only have 50% of our attention. Sure it will all work out in the end but can anyone reassure me?

OP posts:

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Deemented · 18/12/2009 17:11

I had the same worries when i was pregnant with DD. DS had been the centre of our world for three and a half years by then and i was scared i wouldn't love her as much as i love him.

I really needen't have worried. I love them both so very very much, but both in completely different ways, if that makes sense. You don't have to split your love between them at all, you just find that the love you have for them was already there, waiting for them.

Flower3554 · 18/12/2009 17:13

I was told, in answer to this very question, many moons ago by a lovely midwife, the love you feel for your children is elastic, it will stretch to fit however many of them you have.

It's true

midnightexpress · 18/12/2009 17:14

Here's the thing that a very wise MNer told me once: you don't halve the love when dc2 comes along, you double it. It is very very true.

FabIsGettingReadyForXmas · 18/12/2009 17:14

I think a lot of people have these kind of worries. I remember almost resenting this new baby at times as I was so in love with DS1. I soon came to love her and when she was born I just adored her. Funnily enough I never had these worries when I was having DS2.

flybynight · 18/12/2009 17:14

Just to echo Deemented, they really do bring their own love with them. Its not a finite resource, thankfully! happy sigh

warthog · 18/12/2009 17:15

i love dd1 and dd2 the same. but it took me ages to bond with dd1. dd2 it was instant love at first sight!

you will be fine

Gangle · 18/12/2009 17:17

Ahh, making me all emotional! Just can't imagine and loving two little monkies but then I could never imagine even having one . . .

OP posts:

OmicronPersei8 · 18/12/2009 17:25

I remember that when DS (DC2) was born I loved him, but with a new just-starting love, not like the rich growing-deeper-by-the-day love I felt for DD. Gradually it changed and my love for DS has grown and intensified every day, I love them both very deeply now. (I always loved DS, just not as richly at first, if that makes any sense. We had to get to know each other).

Another way to see it is like friendships. You can make new friends without in any way diminishing your existing friendships or having 'less to give' with your new ones.

sockmonkey · 18/12/2009 17:43

I agree with other posters here, your love just grows.
DS1 was not impressed at all when DS2 was born, and would often ask us to send him back or put him in the bin. I felt a bit guilty about having another as it made DS1 so upset.

The boys are now soooo close and love each other (most of the time)

Don't worry Gangle it will all be fine.

springerspaniel · 18/12/2009 19:52

It's really simple. You think you can't and then at some point, you just do and you can't imagine ever not having either of them.

Number 3 on the way.

drinkystinkyuletidegubbins · 18/12/2009 19:54

You just do. And when you see DC2 playing with DC1 and them making each other laugh, you just melt into a gooey puddle of love....

popsycal · 18/12/2009 19:57

I remember starting a similar thread around 5 years ago

Ididn't see how I could possibly love dc2 as much as dc1. Not possible!!

However, I have found that love just grows exponentially - there is always enough love. ven for a sneaky dc3

You won't be able to help yourself.

Congratulations and good luck

popsycal · 18/12/2009 19:59

and just to echo what warthog said - in retrospect, I found it hard to bond with ds1, but then it was instant with ds2 and ds3

muppetgirl · 18/12/2009 20:01

have only read op

I have 3 ds's and I love them all totally, passionately and differently all in the same breath. Ds 1 is amazingly intelligent, observant, funny and beautiful, Ds 2 is a thug but with the cheekiest grin you will ever see. He likes to challenge me but will defend me utterly from his nursery mates and 'MY MUMMY, no MY MUMMY!!!' can be heard shouted from his mouth. My ds 3 is only 6 months but has a smile that literaly melts my heart. If I'm busy and we catch each other in a glance he grins and kiks his legs and wiggles his arms.

My boys are wonderful and my love has grown in different ways to encompass then all. This will happen for you, don't worry...

RorysRacingReindeer · 18/12/2009 20:01

i love my dc1 but when dc2 was born she was a pita and it was much easier to love the baby that didn't have the emotional baggage.

i wouldn't be without either of them - they are wonderful, funny and kind (most of the time)

truthisinthewine · 18/12/2009 20:09

Ahhhh I felt the same, I knew I would care for another baby and love it to but I just couldn't see how it would ever be the same as DD1.

DD1 is now 3 and DD2 is about 21 months. I can honestly say I just adore DD2 (and DD1 of course) I love them both exactly the same but in different ways, DD2 is very different to DD1 (and me really) and I just love how different they are, their relationship together, the different ways they appraoch things.

It's just amazing really how you just get more room for love.

Oh and your DS1 will not only have 50% of your attention now, he will have a whole extra person to love him and care about him for the rest of his life...that's more love and attention not less. You don't have to split yourself 50/50 between your two sons, you just have an extra person along now when you do stuff, you can still spend just as much time together.

It will be fine (if a little noisy)

MarshaBrady · 18/12/2009 20:16

Same worries, but ds2 born on Saturday and can absolutely categorically say that it will be fine.

And you get to love how they are together -so there is more.

bexaa · 18/12/2009 23:00

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

derrymac · 18/12/2009 23:39

So love this, Truthisinthewine: your DS1 will not only have 50% of your attention now, he will have a whole extra person to love him and care about him for the rest of his life...that's more love and attention not less. You don't have to split yourself 50/50 between your two sons, you just have an extra person along now when you do stuff, you can still spend just as much time together.

And after 5 of the little blighters, I can say it's so true (apart from % of attention each gets - that's never goin to be exact!)

As for dc1's taking longer to bond with for some mums - I do believe that's often due to all the post-birth injuries - stitches, piles, trying to feed whilst balancing on a rubber ring, after pains, colic, lack of sleep etc etc!! - which are often not so bad next time around.

I know it made my first few weeks as a mum hell but then u get into the swing and bonding takes place and ur so in love.

I found all my children so different it was like meeting a new best friend each time - we loved each other instantly! They cooed and gurgled as much (as soon as they could!) at me (or dh) as we did at them!

I think we're programmed to worry about this, so that we do try to do our best to minimize dc1's stress at having to share us.

Even if they suffer from jealousy (my ds1 did) eldest kids do have certain advantages havin been born first anyway - just read an article last week which said the earlier in the family the child, the brighter he/she would be, just cos the others had less individual time devoted to them!

displayuntiltwelfthnight · 18/12/2009 23:41

you will find it just happens. I bust with love for each of my 3 boys and it's quite amazing how strong the feeling is!

MumNWLondon · 20/12/2009 12:07

Don't worry about it... I was obsessed by this when pregnant with DS how could I love him like DD, sort of felt like I'd betray her if I did and I suspect because of this I didn't really bond with DS when he was born, it took longer until I knew him properly.

Now I look back - DD is 6 and DS is 3 and love them both... and not at all worried about loving DS2 who is due in April...

minouminou · 21/12/2009 00:12

Don't give it a second thought, OP!

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MavisEnderby · 21/12/2009 00:37

You do worry about this when pg with no 2.It is normal

You do love them though,you just do.

I didn't love dd as much at first,I admit.I had a textbook pg with no 1,he was an easy baby.

dd was anightmare though, she was hellish,screeching and screaming,reflux,the works.Several months later she wa dx with learning disabilities and health problems.

Do I love her less? No.

She is now 4 and she is my angel.She cannot talk,and her walking is a bit dicky,but she has a smile to melt your heart and so much love.Today I got back from my nightshift and she was tootling about in the hallway,she saw me and her face lit up.She toddled up to me and put her arms round me.She will be with me forever becuse of her problems,she is just perfect to me though.It can be hard because of her issues but she is just perfect to me.When she wasa small baby she was awful but now,she is my darling and such a lovely girl.Obv I love ds just a s much,but what Iam trying to sayis even if you don't immediately bond with dc2 it will come.The love just expands.

FiveSoloRings · 21/12/2009 01:00

You just do!

mathanxiety · 21/12/2009 02:38

DC#2s have far fewer baby photos, though

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