Very needy post, please just shut me up!

[chegirlwithbellson]

Had my booking in bloods late. I didnt get them till 23 weeks (usually 16 weeks round here)

Got a letter from GP today saying they want to discuss the results and to make a routine appt within the next 2 weeks.

Now my sensible side is saying this is fine. My HB is probably verging on the low side or something like that.

But I have post traumatic stress disorder due to the long and very awful illness and death of my DD. Any vaguely medical can tip me over into real horrible anxiety.

I am trying not to be stupid but even the thought of phoning the GP, being told they cannot tell me on the phone, having to wait for an appt, going for the appt plus the illogical fears that there is something terrible on my results i.e. somehow I have got HIV in the last two years, or some unknown 'thing' is beginning to get to me.

I can feel my body reacting, I am getting so tense its an effort to keep calm.

I am not usually like this. I am pretty laid back and practical. But I have triggers.
GP not open tonight.

I know you cant tell me what the problem is but can anyone reassure me or something.

Thanks.

[RnB]

You poor thing. No wonder you are anxious. But I bet it's just for some iron tablets, if it was an emergency they wouldn't be so relaxed about you making a routine appoinment.

Really hope all is ok for you

[BlameItOnTheBogey]

Poor you. I'm not sure I can be much help but as you say, it is highly likely to be something routine (otherwise they would either have called you or said please make an urgent appt). Call them first thing and explain your situation and see if they can fit you in ASAP.

[PoppyIsApain]

Please dont worry book your appointment for asap and relax, it will more than likely be something simple.

[BlameItOnTheBogey]

Ah yes, iron tablets. Bet it is that.

[belgo]

You are understandably stressed, but I would imagine, if there was a serious problem, they would have you in sooner for the results then having to wait another two weeks.

Is there anyone now you can talk to? Your midwife, or someone else who knows your history?

[catbus]

Oh gawd; you have to phone your GP when open, and explain that due to ptsd, you simply cannot be stressed right now. It is horrid suffering from this, let alone waiting for news like this when pregnant. Try to chill in the meantime; impossible probably, but fight your corner too. It probably is something minor, as they would have you in fast if something dodgy was up.

[chegirlwithbellson]

Thank you for being so nice and understanding.

I really hate being like this. I am not about anything else - honest.

I am really trying hard but it takes over. I feel very tearful and keep swing back and forth from sensible to stupid.

The thing is, in this family, abnormal tests mean very very bad things. However hard I try to get back to normal I dont think I ever will.

There is always that little voice saying 'yes it but it could be something really bad'

What on earth I think it could be I really couldnt tell you!

I am a twit.

[catbus]

Have you ever tried EMDR for the PTSD? My Mum has, and it really helped a lot, for many aspects of her life..
And no, you are far from being a twit! Just an expectant Mum again..

[chegirlwithbellson]

I discussed something like this with pyschologist a couple of years ago.

But it seemed too soon as I wouldve had to re visit details of the things that happened and I just couldnt do it. I was concentrating on trying to survive IYSWIM.

I had similar problems during my pg with DS two years ago but thought that with time things would get better. They havent. I think they have got worse if anything.

My DS2 has a lot of appts for various things and I have other children so I will need to handle medical stuff a lot better. So I know I have to do something about it.

I hate being so weak. It feels like I am letting DD down. She was so strong.

Its soooo frustrating.

[MumNWLondon]

It could be anything minor and random.

Others have suggested low iron. Could be urine infection. Are you Rh-? as if you are they'd probably want you to discuss.

[tries to think of what else they test at booking in bloods]

If it was anything urgent or sinister they would not want you to wait 2 weeks!

I think you should call GP, explain your situation ASK FOR GP TO CALL YOU PERSONALLY and ask for indication on phone why they want to discuss, then you'll have your mind at ease. If GP can't indicate over phone make the routine appointment sooner... no point in stressing.

[catbus]

Well I think you are doing fantastically well. Maybe sometime after the birth you could explore that route? I know the first couple of sessions are VERY intense and painful, like reliving everything; something I am sure you do a lot of anyway..
You are sooooo not weak and I'll bet anything your beautiful daughter would be so very proud to have a Mum like you; you are acknowledging so much which is not weak!
And pregnancy is going to bring up so many memories for you; stay strong but take any help you need. You wouldn't be a failure for that.

[chegirlwithbellson]

Thanks you all again.

I phoned the hospital. I could feel myself getting into such a stupid state.

Midwive was lovely. It was so hard to talk because I get all sobby. I cannot tell you how much I hate being so pathetic.

She looked up my bloods.

My Hb is a bit low and I have Anti big E antibody.

I dont know the measurement of the antibody.

I feel better knowing that its ok. The anti b will need monitoring but doesnst usually cause problems. It can cause problems if it is present in very high amounts and I wished I asked for the amount now.

The thing that is troubling me is that I react to badly to any sort of messing about and I know that this is going to invovle a least a bit more attention.

MW said to go up tommorow for more bloods and info and she will talk to consultant tonight.

Not as simple as it seems as this is the hosptial my dd had her treatment at. But know that its the lesser of two evils.

Keeping an eye on the snow forcast now. I am supposed to be Mrs santa claus at the oncology children's party tommorow so will go up after that.

I need to address this problem. I feel guilty for getting pg knowing that I have difficulties. I really didnt think I would still be quite this bad.

How do I go about getting it sorted after I have the baby? Any ideas?

Thanks all so much. Its a bloody lifeline. Pr

[hettie]

deepnding on your area you should be able to get a referal from your GP to a secondry mental health team and if there is a specialist tertiary PTSD service in your area referred to this...... Don't be fobbed off with generic 'counselling' you need a psychologist with specialist PTSD training (CBT or EMDR...). You sound like you are very aware and I can only reassure you how normal your reaction to medical services would be given your history

[catbus]

Absolutely agree with Hettie; you are not weak and so very normal; I do think if you can, to start the process of soon, as sometimes it can take a while with referrals. Alternatively, I think you can get EMDR without a referral, although it will cost a fair packet I believe. Worth it mind you!

[chegirlwithbellson]

Thanks Riven, Hettie and Catbus (catbus? )

No chance of private treatment I am afraid. I have been lucky with mental health referrals in the past. I had psychologist for quite a while after DD died. She was great. I got it quickly.

Mind you when DD was terminal I had to go and see a psychiatrist to get my medication sorted out and she asked me if I wanted to be admited! When I politely declined as I was rather busy caring for DD she accused me of being obstructive and warned 'if I didnt co-operate I was likely to become very ill'

I did wonder what she thought was an appropriate reaction to being told your DD had a few weeks to live.

Sorry off the subject a bit there.

If anything, this afternoon's non events and their affect on me has confirmed what I knew anyway, got to get this thing sorted.

[Bexybear]

Hi chegirl

You are doing amazingly considering what you have suffered. It is not really surprising that you react the way you do to certain things - dont be hard on yourself.

re getting it sorted, it is a long slow road but good to start thinking about it. CBT should help with strategies to reduce the anxiety without too much delving into the past. Might be worth seeing what is avaiable now locally and on NHS. Hettie is right about getting someone with specific PTSD training if you can. When you have exhaused what is available on the nhs there are plenty of options though they cost.

I had some PTSD, PND and stupidly high levels of anxiety around illness (totally understand that end-of-the-world feeling of utter panic) I've have had two years of EFT which has been much more effective than anything else i tried (10 sessions of horrendously bad psychotherapy for example ) Dont think id ever have got pregnant again if i hadnt had it. EFT uses some EMDR, accupressure points and councelling techniques(sounds bizarre but it is strangly effective) and is very gentle but practitioners vary so important to find someone who uses it with a councelling/therapy background rather than someone whose done a bit of life coaching. There is other stuff out there and its a bit of trial and error until you find something or usually someone that works but when it does its life changing...

sorry for long post... good luck with it all and with being Mrs Santa at the childrens party!

[catbus]

I am sure whatever path you choose, it will have a positive outcome; you sound like a very positive person! Big luck and groovy thoughts coming your way!
(Catbus is from one of my all time bestest films, by the by; My Neighbour Totoro; if you buy it now, I guarantee it'll not only take your mind off things for a bit, but possibly get you hooked on Hayao Miyazaki films!) (And I am not really a geek; my daughter introduced me to them...)

[mrsrvc]

Hello Chegirl.
I am so sorry to hear of the loss of your daughter. It is no wonder that you are going to be feeling anxious.
I lost my son when he was a week old and am now pregnant again and I have to say that I don't think I would be able to do it if it wasn't for our counsellor. It sound as though you have had mixed experiences with psychologists, but it might well be worth trying again. I know it is different circumstances, but our counsellor talks about how we are making space for this baby amidst all the pain of our loss.
There is a "gentle thread" sorry don;t know how to link where there are a few of us who have had neonatal losses of still births who are all shitting ourselves a bit anxious this time round. I know its not the same, but you'd be more than welcome to join us over there for a bit of mutual support.
I hope that all is ok with the bloods and good luck with the snow/ santa trip.

[mrsrvc]

Apols for the typos. Sometimes i do wonder about my typing skills...

[AntPants1]

You don't sound needy to me- you sound totally normal (if not then I am a loon too). I am so very very sorry to hear about the death of your daughter. The fact that you are still getting on with your life is an amazing achievement. I lost a baby at 20 weeks last November and am now 3o weeks pregnant and it has been a total rollercoster. I have had moments when my anxiety levels have just been off the scale- especially around key tests and everytime something is wrong with me I panic- for example when I had a UTI at about 7 weeks I sobbed in my GP's room as I was just so terrified of an infection harming my baby. I recently had to call my doctor back after she left a message on my phone and I did not rest until we had spoken (turned out I was sick but baby was fine..) I am assuming that it's just going to be like that throughout my pregnancy and there is going to be no golden moment when everything feels fine and I am relaxed. I am finding that I am even more anxious about other people who matter to me too- my pregnant sister etc so it really is endless worry. So I think you sound normal given what you have gone through.

You are amazing. I wish you the very best of luck- I hope your MW is able to reassure you and perhaps arrange for more frequent appointments so that she can continue to support you. All the best
x

[MC76]

I got myself completely worried about HIV for no reason and was fine. If you had anything like that they'd ask to see you face to face straight away, I am sure it'll be fine. Good to know I am not the only one who flew in to such a panic about my bloods! Good luck xx

[chegirlwithbellson]

Hello everyone and thank you for your messages.

I couldnt get on earlier as I was being Mrs Santa .

TBH I was probably a teeny bit worked up about that. I havent had much to do with children with cancer since losing DD. I really wanted to do it though and it was fine.

Was horrible to OH and railed at him for not being around last night. He was at work not out boozing!

Went to the hospital. The MW wasnt there. She had to go out on an emergency so I wasnt upset with her but it did confirm what I always expect to happen any time I go near a hospital. Another MW took over and said it was fine, they will repeat bloods at 28 weeks and do them 4 weekly to keep an eye on levels. Watch baby for jaundice when he is born. All of mine have had it anyway.

I was very tense, felt bad for dragging OH out. He didnt mind but it was icy and his balance is not good, he is also suffering a bit from his seasonal flu jab. As we were sitting waiting DD's consultant walked past 3 times. That was awful. Not his fault but I couldve done without it. He also didnt recognise us which I found quite hard. I dont expect Drs to be supermen/women but I did see him every week for two years.

So I feel fine. Original MW called me to apologise which was nice but not neccessary. She is referring me to Bereavement MW. I dont mind but the appts may well be at the hosptial so that will be pretty impossible for me and cause more stress than it relieves but I will wait and see.

Still feel stupid and pathetic. At least I really know now I need to get this sorted.

Its been really fantastic to be able to talk it over on here. Thanks so much to all of you for taking the time.