mums coments are upsetting do i say anything!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[nomorebooze]

hi guys!

i am after a bit of advic.

i am currently 31 weeks pregnant and my mum keeps saying things which are really getting to me. she suffers with ms and has done for yrs, she is wheelchair bound and has carers 3 x a day, as my dad struggled to manage her, hes a saint!!!!!!, however she told me the other day i was getting fat all over, very blunt, however i am quite neat! she also came out with a corker yesterday, she said i hope your not having any pain relief or thinking of a ceaserean, i was so taken aback i struggled to reply. after sitting for a minute i said i would love to manage with gas and air however if i need anything else including a ceaserean i will have it! she then said if offered a cesearean i should refuse unless absoulutley necessary! i ignored this coment as could feel i was getting mad! the problem is my mum is quick to say things but will not discuss things if she has upset me etc, she quickly changes the subject or goes quite, very frustrating. i could go on loads, but will never stop!!!!!!!!!!!! the thing is i dont want to go and see her or take her out shopping as i feel every time i see her, i come away feeling so down, and my hubby gets so mad, i havent told him about this last event as i am worried he will go nuts!!!!!!!!!!!

I wondered if she was worrying about being involved with her grandchild, in relation to not being able to help me etc! or seeing him as much as she would like! we live over 1hr away, so its always me who runs back and forwards! itried to discuss this but cold shoulder treatment again. 'blubbering whilst typing this feel bad'

what would you do?

[nomorebooze]

whoops re-read, please excuse spelling mistakes

[notyummy]

Difficult one. You will have all sorts of hormones swimming around and are liable to be more sensitive then normal about these things - however saying you are 'fat' is clearly just insensitive and rude. As for the comments on cs/pain - I think they are uncalled for, but some older women think they have carte blanche to give advice and may actually think they are doing it with the best of intentions.

I would pick your battles - ignore her 'advice' on the birth, and instead tacle anything overtly rude such as the comments on weight. It is a difficult time to be 'burning your bridges' with your mum, and having a baby could be a real means of strengthening what sounds like a difficult relationship. Why dont you tell her:

a. That you are feeling sensitive and her comments about the weight upset you
b. That you are looking forward to bringing over the new baby to meet her

And leave it at that - don't let her drag you down. You will shortly have your iwn family to focus on and that will be your main priority.

[LuckyC]

I think your instinct is right and and your mum is feeling a bit freaked out over the baby coming and what that will mean in terms of your relationship with her and hers with the baby - is it your first baby? Sounds like she has no other reason to be making comments which she must clearly know are upsetting to you.

I really feel for you, it's such a difficult situation, especially as you now also can't talk to your DH as he (understandably) gets mad on your behalf. Can you talk to your dad at all? Or can you maybe when your mum says these hurtful things just think 'This is her problem, not mine. This is her problem, not mine' and try not to get hurt by her, and just see what happens over the next few months?

Also think notyummy has some good advice. Actually much better than mine!

[nomorebooze]

hi! thanks for your posts, this is my first and there first grandchild, thanks for your advice, i have tried ignoring her comments which works to a degree, but it does seem that everytime i phone or go and see her, theres another comment made, its wearing me down!! i am visiting this week so will grin and bear it , i dont want to burden my dad with this either as he has a lot to cope with on a day to day basis and feel this would cause trouble! i will try your advice, however i feel it will fall on deaf ears! i will also go with the 'positive mental attitude', hope it works, xx

[EffiePerine]

Some people are naturally gloomy and dismissive, mothers or not! I'd just tune out any comments and back off a little tbh - why go and see her so often if she's being rude? But I'm a bit grumpy with family anyway .

[lucy101]

My mother has managed to drop by and tell me that

a. my face was getting very fat
b. I was much fatter than her at this stage
c. was I sure I wasn't having twins (I have had about 6 scans... so yes I am pretty bloody sure)
d. Oh and "I thought you were having your hair done"... when I had had it done!

My mother is having ongoing difficulties with me living my own life - she is a bit jealous of my relationship with my husband as she is struggling with the concept of not 'being my best friend'.

I am just trying to ignore it - try not to take it to heart - it is about her not you and she has some issues with her own life that she is expressing in a rather upsetting way.

I pick my mother up sometimes but I try to pick my battles (I find this difficult... I really flare up sometimes). My best remedy is to report the comments back to my husband and friends and for them to laugh at them and tell me that my mum is being rubbish!

[nomorebooze]

hi! thanks for your replys, its good to have people to sound off . OMG Lucy101, good job you can laugh it off, its not always easy to though, certain comments still hurt! xx

[Mama2b5]

Hi just thought i would add its amazing
"you can pick friends, but not family"!
My Mum when alive was wonderful and would never pass such comments like that - but something is causing this, i believe, underline fears,of many things,maybe discuss with her! reassure her you will need her and really want her around, sometimes people are jealous of family members and relive some life through them ( not nice, but it happens)
"Call me fat","yeh my DH loves it and im only going to get bigger yeh"saying this while grabbing belly with both hands!

its easier said then done, but look at the postives first time mum learn from her how she is with you and dont do it to your child ever!just the negative things im sure she has wonderful ways also!
be thankful you are independant and dont live at home!
You have a wonderful DH who you are supported by emotionally and physically!

Looking at some of these threads has really opened my eyes to know what some pregnant women have to go through!

Stay positive and focus on your unborn child xxx

[mathanxiety]

It's amazing about the fat thing. This was something my mum harped on constantly. Apparently in her day, her doctor used to pinch her if she seemed to be gaining any weight at all while pg. It was absolutely forbidden.

If she brings things up bluntly and tactlessly, say 'thanks for your concern mum' and 'I'll cross that bridge when I come to it' and keep on saying it until she runs out of witless remarks. Don't get drawn in, stonewall her. Horrible to deal with people who can dish it but can't take it, though. It would be so nice for you to have a supportive mum who could be a help to you while you're pregnant. Glad your DH seems to be on your side.

[whensmydayoff]

lucy101 Did your mum phone my mum and ask her to ask me the same 4 questions in that very same order?????
That is spooky.

Mums (not us mums, the older generation ) are prone to negetive unhelpful comments.
I have friends in same boat too.
Every time im excited about something, I phone my mum and bang goes the happiness - why do I do it?

Prime example.....

I had a traumatic PG and birth (emerg c section) with my DS. I suffered insomnia at the beginning of this PG and was at Docs.
I then discovered hypnobirthing and am now calm, happy and positive about the birth.

Me - "oh mum, i feel so much better after my first course at hypnobirthing, I really believe it's possible I wont have complications now and I can relax and look forward to a natural birth"

Mum - what a waste of money and you don't know what will happen"

Me - No, but surely Its better to be positive and look forward to the birth"

Mum - " well as long as you get straight to hospital, your Auntie so in so hung around the house too long with a breech baby and the baby died"

nomorebooze i rest my case, your not alone!!

[nomorebooze]

hi peeps!
the joys of mothers, i sat there last night thinking ive been happily married for over 8 yrs, so how is it possible that parents manage to make you feel like a child even at 30yrs old, and when im about to become a mother myself. starting to be able to giggle about this god i hope i dont do this to my child xx

[Firsttimer7259]

My suggestion is rather different.I think a lot of these comments are about fighting back to some extent whcih is quite passiv-aggressive and while making you feel less like the victim will probably just lead to hostility all round.

Instead I would try to just not fight. So if she says nasty things just ask straight up: 'why do you say things like that to me?' If she comes back with, its only the truth, Im just being honest etc. Say 'you upset me and it makes you difficult to be around'.

Then let her think and dont hide that she has upset you by being mean back.

Oh parents, I wish I could handle mine as easily as this sounds...

[Mama2b5]

i miss my mum she was great and very supportive, i only pray when my DD grow up im just like she was a- strength when i needed it, support when i felt i was alone and an encourager when i thought i couldnt do it! childbirth x2 now with 9 weeks to go until baby 3 and mum passing in march i just dont know how i will do it without her by my side!

[mathanxiety]

Was your mum always like this or is it just since she got MS? I recall my exMIL's sister, who had MS, saying "Oh she's as Irish as Paddy's pig!" when she first met my oldest red haired DD, who was then a toddler. I didn't know this woman long, so I don't know if she was in the habit of delivering this sort of pronouncement her whole life (MIL tended to be a bit overbearing so it wouldn't surprise me if it ran in the family, though).

Good luck Mama2b5. Some mums are great.

[nomorebooze]

hi mama2b5! so sorry to hear about your mum, big hugs xx, my mum has always been blunt to a degree, she has got worse over the years and with everyone, not always just me! she has isolated herself as people have stopped visiting her, i think due to her sarcasm when they came. its a shame shes really shot herself in the foot. she is on antidepresents at the moment! she has had ms all my life, but it has been slowly progressive, its a battle to get her over the threshold, i take her out shopping etc when i can. she can be a real star at times!!! xx