23 weeks pregnant and apparantly I'm such a nag and being unreasonable...

[traymca]

Hi,

I'm 23 weeks pregnant and my hubby has said that I am being totally unreasonable and a total nag and I just wanted some opinions on this...

When we met I told him I was 100% against smoking and whilst he smoked at the time, he promised he was giving it up and never smoked around me (i'm asthmatic), anyway, after about a year and a half he gave up (yay!) but then a year after quitting he lapsed and has been promising to give up again for about 6 months, each time saying at my birthday, at babys first scan, 2nd scan and now definately by the time she is born... I cannot stand the smell and he has been good in that when he goes out for a fag, he'll change his t-shirt when he comes in and go and swirl mouthwash around - not great but its a start I guess. He reckons he's down to about 5 a day now, but when he drinks (which is most days tbh) he can easily have 10... All our arguements centre around the smoking and he gets so uptight and responds like a teenager whenever I mention it...

Tonight he missed his bus after being in town for a few drinks after work so I drove in and picked him up, he got in the car and stank of fags, I subtley asked if he had any mints and he said no, we drove home chatting and me with my face out the window and when we arrived home, he leaned right over and said something to me and I replied 'hon, you could really do with a mint...', he stormed out of the car and slammed the door like a teenager so I drove off for some space as if I'd gone in he'd have stomped around and moaned... he called me and I said I didn't appreciate him acting like that but he harped on about me being rude whilst sat in the garden smoking and drinking more lager... after aabout an hour he semi-apologised and I came back. he was sat outside smoking again and said he'd be in shortly to eat the dinner I'd cooked earlier so I went to the bathroom and found a huge puddle of pee on the floor by the toilet. I cleaned it up and when I went downstairs I said to him "hon, i want to say something but please don't get upset or stroppy,... could you please aim into the toilet next time you go, I know you sometimes wobble but its not nice for me to have to clean it up' and again he got stroppy and moaned at me... I got upset and went upstairs and after about 15 mins he apologised for the part he'd played but insisted that all i had done was nag him tonight when yesterday he was so worried that i'd get swine flu and die he cried... apparantly I don't do the housework (we both work full time and i do 95% of it) and I can't love him or deserve his love as all i do is nag....

please advise, am I being unreasonable?

[skihorse]

Phew! I think you both sound stressed - and who wouldn't be - this is your first, isn't it? He's a silly drunken arse of course, who smoked more when he was drunk and missed the toilet - they tend to do that.

I don't really have any sensible advice - I think you just need to talk to each other and express your fears about the impending arrival of the baby - clearly he's worried e.g., that you'll get swine flu and die - but he's not expressing this by talking to you. He's expressing it through B&H and Stella. Swine flu (is imo) a very minor risk to your healthy pregnancy right now, so one thing he can do to reduce the stress this is bringing him is educate himself as to whom exactly is currently dying from this. If you get ill, what can he do to help? E.g., making sure you drink as much fluid as possible, should he give you salts? sugars?

As far as the smoking goes - I've battled (battle) myself with it and my OH hates it. I'm currently not smoking - but despite everything I know about it - I cannot guarantee I never will again. Get him Allen Car's "How to stop smoking" - it's a repetitive, hypnotic book but it does work. I bought it for a friend at work 2 years ago when his gf was pregnant because he was doing the same as your bf, always "next month", "before the baby's born". He did actually give up in the end, when he got the baby home and it was all very real, so there is hope.

Hang in there - we all have rough days.

[Ladyem]

Hi! you are not being unreasonable and I think that you need to get this sorted out well before the baby arrives as a newborn in the house can cause arguments in even the most rock-solid of relationships and with all those hormones and sleep deprivation you'll have, you don't need to be dealing with a husband who's acting like a spoilt brat!

It is difficult for the men as all the attention is on the woman when she's pregnant and then on the baby when it is born, and I think they can feel a bit left out. But I think that the smoking thing is a real no-no as it is so dangerous around a new born and seeing as you are going through 9 months of pregnancy and then labour and delivery, the least he can do is to give up the fags. I was given a leaflet from the midwife showing that even 30 mins after having a smoke you can still breathe out toxins over the baby that can lead to cot death. MIL smokes and I will not be letting her hold my baby after she's been smoking when it arrives in September as I'd never forgive myself if something happened. That might sound unreasonable, but my baby comes first. (I did the same when DD was born and she understands why I did it.)

Good luck and I hope you get this sorted out!

[Tiaxx31]

Your not alone and your not being unreasonable, i smoked until i found out i was pregnant & my partner still smoked like a chimney, i couldn't stand the smell & it made me sick or feel sick. I kept on please give up or keep away from me. He would go out for a cigi and come & sit right next to me. Well that was really making me angry & lose my temper. I started going up stairs to bed really early as i couldn't stand being around him, he was driving me crazy. I just wanted to slap him & give him a good shake..saying don't you have any idea of how i am feeling with you doing this on purpose. When i started going up stairs early he started going out on a saturday night drinking at the pub. Well he would come home at kick out time and come to bed after having a cigarette out side and stinking of that and booze drove me to being sick & i lost my temper. I kept telling him don't come around me smelling like that. What with all that then he would snore his head off & smell of b.o. I couldn't cope anymore so we split up. And that is when he realised not living in the same house and not helping me do anything around the house. Within a couple of months he had really learnt from his mistakes & has given up smoking, doesn't go to the pub as he says its not fair. And does alot more round the house & for me. I couldn't ask for a better partner & father for my unborn baby

Good Luck we are all here to moan & support each other x

[muddleduck]

Tough situation.
Maybe you need to make more of an effort with the nice stuff so that there isn't just nagging IYSWIM. Not syaing this is your fault, just that there are things you can do that it doesn't take over your relationship.

[itsalwaysthequietones]

I think you're absolutely right to feel annoyed. He made you a promise that he's not sticking to and if he was serious about quitting he wouldn't be going out drinking regularly because that's clearly going to make it a lot more difficult to give up. I do appreciate that quitting can be very hard but you'll have to deal with some pretty hard things yourself in the coming months and he does at least need to show you that he's making an effort.

It's touching that he's concerned about you and the swine flu risk but not an excuse for throwing a complete strop while pissed.

Having said all that, I think muddleduck is probably right and there might be other things you could do so that you don't appear to negative e.g. ask him to get home on time so you can make him a special meal, give him a massage etc, which might distract from the fags...

It's a really difficult balance to strike. I get really sick of picking DH's wet towels off the bed, putting his dirty socks in the laundry, cleaning his shavings from the sink, washing the bath after he's forgotten to rinse it out after his bath etc but equally I hate hearing myself nagging at him and do try to focus on the stuff he's good at whenever possible.

It's much more difficult when pregnant though because you're hormonal anyway, when DH comes to bed after even a couple of beers it gets my heckles up at the moment cos pregnancy gives me a nose like a bloodhound and the smell of stale beer is just revolting.

Good luck resolving things, let us know how you get on.

[alana39]

Have you shown him the advice about not smoking around babies or breathing over them after having a fag? My DH did give up in the first few weeks of my first pregnancy - tough, especially as I was already feeling grotty and stroppy so that made 2 of us - but 7 years later he is much healthier. Sometimes I think we know so much about pregnancy / baby health from reading everything the midwife / internet throw at us, and our partners can miss out on lots of information which we then assume they know. That might just be me

It might be hard work but as muddleduck says don't let it take over - remind yourself about his good points too.

[nellie12]

ok you cant stand the smoking. fair enough. you want him to stop and hate the effect on you and potential effect on baby when born. Again fair enough. BUT he smoked when you met him, you knew this. It is an addiction. It is hard to give up and nagging him is going to have the opposite effect. Smokers turn to cigarettes when stressed. So tell him you dont like it by all means, tell him you're worried about the effect on his health and then let him get on with it.

As for puddles on the floor - hand him the mop and chase him back to clean it up!

[nellie12]

oh and if he misses the bus for being pissed let him wait for the next one or get a taxi? Why are you playing mum?

[traymca]

thanks everyone...

re smoking when I met him, I told in that I wouldn't have a relationship with him as a smoker as I have such strong feelings about it and he accepted that and promised to give up, which he did for about a year and has drifted back into it, partially because some people he works with smoke and they encourage him!

I've told him and shown him the evidence re post ciggatrette the amount of toxins etc and he has a medical background, and various books including Alan Carr and a hypno CD and has been to the cessation nurse and got the cartridges etc, he knows the effects but just doesn't seem to be having any effect on him and like you guys I can smell it a mile off, along with beer and it makes me retch!!! but hey, thats me being rude... lol

I do do nice things for him, always making cups of tea, asking how his day as and then listening, getting him tickets to gigs, recording programmes he'd like etc and lots of cuddles so the nagging is really only about 2% of the time, if that... it just seems that I cannot say anything that he doesn't agree with without it becoming a major issue...

I'm afraid I've given in about the lifts as he moans like a child and puts the whole house in a bad mood which tbh is hell on earth so its easier but I do see its probably made a rod for my own back... i'm seriously considering a caesarian so that I can't drive for 6 weeks! lol

[woodhj]

Sounds a little like my husband when we first met. He is 7 years younger than me (im 30 now). He smoked, drank and acted like a spoilt child, kept promising to give up smoking and drinking but never did.
Anyway the hardest part is yet to come at the minute your tired looking after the two of you and the house, throw in a screaming baby and you being new parents its not easy.
When our daughter was born i went into overdrive looking after him, baby the house and totally forgot about myself so much so that im worried about how baby number two will effect me this time.
Everybodies relationship is different, we went through a real hard time after baby was born, through so many life changing experiences (i wont bore you with them) many due to the fact that his life didnt change, he still went out, i still looked after him, he still smoked his life stayed the same and mine was turned upside down.
We are now married expecting baby number two and he realises how he behaved before and wants to play a bigger part, i wouldnt change my life now but three years ago i would have thrown him off a cliff. I got my point across by stopping doing all things i did, let him stand in his own wee when he went for another, dont wash his clothes or iron them until he has nothing to wear, your not nagging then! but can sit back with smirk on your face when hes running around with nothing to wear.
He has stopped smoking now all off his own back and only drinks at the weekend.