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Pregnancy

Can someone just listen... so confused and scared...

33 replies

LessThenIdeal · 14/05/2009 17:34

Some of you may remember me from a thread in chat the other day.

I have recently found out i'm pregnant again, totally unplanned, we'd be using contraception and the condom split and for some unknown reason my pill failed too. I'm a single parent of three, and am in a very neww relationship with a lovely bloke. My dc's dad left a while ago, and through his choice has had no contact with dc since. My eldest dc has taken this very very hard and has been having counselling, which is helping tremendously - he's almost back to being the child i knew before.

My new relationship is very new... and we'd been keeping it quiet because i was worried it was a little too soon after exdh, and i was worried what people would think, ect. I haven't even told my friends that i'm seeing anyone.

Anyways, i finally spoke to my fella earlier, and although he was tremendously shocked he was very supportive. I told him that i understood if he wanted to walk away now, and he said he would support me in whatever decision i made. I've asked him to think hard about what he wants to do, and then tomorrow we can chat properly.

I am so torn though. I honestly do not know what i want to do. There are so many reasons not to have this baby... it is far too soon in this relationship... it's hard enough being a single parent as it is without a newborn thrown in... what effect will a new baby have on my already troubled dc? Will they feel pushed out? What will other people think?

But then, having gone through the pain of loosing babies before... i honestly dont think i could have an abortion and live with myself. I'm not against abortion... im just not sure it's for me. But maybe it's the most sensible solution?

I did say to fella that if i were to have the baby then i'd hope that he would be around a lot more - perhaps even move in at some point - as i know i couldn't do it alone - but is that emotional blackmail? It wasn't meant to be. And what about dc... how would they react to having a new man and baby in their lives?

Argh, it's all such a mess, and i really don't have anyone in real life i can talk to abot it.

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DawnAS · 14/05/2009 17:41

Hi there,

I haven't got any experience of your situation but didn't want your post to go unanswered.

I really think that if you feel that strongly about abortion, for your own personal situation (clearly understand what you say about not being against it if others choose it), you may regret it if that's what you choose...

I'm only expecting my first baby now and am married, so totally not the right person to give you advice.

I hope that someone with more experience comes on line soon. It may also be worth adding a similar thread in the "Relationships" section as you may find some people in there that have had similar experiences to yourself.

I hope that things work out for you honey, good luck.

xxx

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shyla01 · 14/05/2009 17:45

hello, i dont really know what to say to this but just wanted to give you a reply.
firstly, how far along do you think you are? if you are quite early at least you have some time to make a decision.
when myself and my dc father seperated my ds took it very hard (dd was to young to understand), but when i met my current partner, ds took it extemely well, despite months of worrying on my part! the thing is you never know how they will react.
something else you may want to consider is that if having an abortion is going to have a bad effect on you that in turn will affect your children. you have to do whatever is best for you.
in answer to if it is emotional blackmail, i would say that you have done the best thing being honest to fella, at least he has some idea of what you expect now.
hope all works out for you and sorry i couldn't giv any real advice.
all the best xx

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StarlightMcKenzie · 14/05/2009 17:46

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 17:47

Ok, telling your dp what you would hope for is not emotional blackmail, it is honesty. He needs to know what you want and need in order to make an informed decision himself.

Abortion is a major concept to consider, it being a sensible solution is one of the factors but there are many others too. Do not play down your feelings about it just because you think it is sensible, be honest with yourself about your views, thoughts and possible reactions.

What people think is something you will have to contend with but it is not something you should be wrorying about now. Yes you will probably get some negative reactions but, tbh, going into your 4th child you would probably get some negative reactions regardless so try not to get bogged down in it.

Taking aside the pregnancy for now, how do you feel about dp? Is this something you can see lasting, were you thinking it would be long term before this?

Telling your children about the baby and the partner, yes this is thorny issue but please rmember that they will, to a certain extent, take their cues from you. If you can put it all in a positive way that they can buy into then they will get used to it and ay be pleased for you all.

I am nto sure how to think about dp moving in, are you meaning before the baby would arrive? The more time your dc have to meet him and get used to him the better they will be able to deal with it when the time comes.

Sorry for the questions, it is such a massive consideration and the more we know the better we can help you consider your options (I hope)!

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Noonki · 14/05/2009 17:47

what a difficult situation.

I really don't know what advice to give.
#So I will give you a few thoughts.

9 months is a pretty long time in a child's life and if given the right support and allowed to see the new baby as positive (they listen to everything so beware when talking on phone etc) they will too see the baby as a positive.

If you think you wouldnt cope without this man's support think long and hard as to jump from none to 4 kids is a huge step for anyone and stastically it is pretty unliekly that you will stay together (sorry) and it is a kind of emotional blackmail or at least he may feel trapped which for anyone is reason to want to escape.

You dont have to live together, but you can still be together and paretnt together from different houses.

It can only be your decision.

Hope you get some better advice soon.

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Tyniclogs · 14/05/2009 17:48

Hello, I'm listening. Sounds like a lot to think about. I'm sorry to hear you're having such a worrying time.

Maybe if you break it into smaller chunks it may feel a bit more managable. The most important thing to decide first off is how you feel about the pregnancy before you start thinking about everyone else. You have to decide whether a new baby is something you could cope with if your new fella decides he's not happy to stay around (hopefully that wouldn't be the case but I always think through all the worst case scenarios so as to not feel let down if the worst happens).

I guess once you've decided how you feel it may make it easier to answer some of the other questions you have.

Sorry to type and run but my fish fingers are burning! Hope you find some support here as it's not something you should have to feel so alone with. Take care.

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FabulousBakerGirl · 14/05/2009 17:48

No one on here can tell you what to do.

You do have choices.

What does your heart say?

What does your head say?

Your choices are

have the baby and keep him/her
have the baby and have them adopted
abortion

How would you feel if you miscarried?

Very few things in life go to plan. You just have to get on with it but it has to be your decision and his too. It can't be based on what other people will think.

Good luck.

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Noonki · 14/05/2009 17:48

i meant better advice than mine not everyone elses

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slushy06 · 14/05/2009 17:52

I had a similar situation with dc1 apart from having to consider existing children. Me and my dp had only been an item for 6 weeks when we got our positive result. 4 years later we have the most fantastic relationship are expecting dc2 have bought a house and hope to be married after dc2 is born. The shock of a pg so early in the relationship seemed to cement us together, and show a united front against family who were a little shocked. I won't lie it was hard there were moments we thought we wouldn't make it but we did and now we couldn't be happier. Also as baby came so soon we had no existing standards and found it quite easy to adapt to new baby. I hope things work out well for you whatever you decide and I hope my story gives you hope that this may turn out to be a good thing.

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Nekabu · 14/05/2009 18:15

I'm not at all anti-abortion either but from what you have said, it doesn't sound a good option for you. Discounting termination, that leaves you with keeping it yourself or having it adopted - neither of which need you to make an immediate decision, so maybe see how things look like they're coming along and have a think about it all later?

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LessThenIdeal · 14/05/2009 19:58

One minute i'm thinking that perhaps, just perhaps everything could work out, that dp will be supportive - i know he will anyways - that dc would learn to live with new arrial, and we could all learn to be a proper family, and then the next i'm thinking that there is no way i can have this baby, that there is too much stacked against us.... tat i can barely cope with the dc i have already.

I'm so so confused.

DP has been a star, bless him. He's texted me lots this afternoon, just checking im ok. I know he's a great father already (ds,10) and i know he'd been a good dad to this one too. He is a good bloke, gets on well with my dc, seems to have endless patience with them, and in all honesty, i could see us having a future together.

I'm just 5 weeks gone, i think, so there is time yet to make decisions. I just wish i knew which way to choose.

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KingCanuteIAm · 14/05/2009 20:06

Lessthan, as you say you have plenty of time.

Just a thought, could you go to one of the abortion clinics, just for the initial councilling session? I am just thinking that this may do a couple of things, 1, it would put you in a position where the idea of abortion was a bit more real, this may reveal a bit more of a reaction in you. If you get there and feel a bit of relief or a sense that you could never do this then you will have a bit more to go on. Also 2, It would also give you the chance to speak to someone openly and honestly about your feelings and options. Someone who is, almost by definition, not going to judge you!

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LessThenIdeal · 15/05/2009 06:50

I'm no nearer making a decision. I spoke at length to dp last night via webchat - not ideal i know, but needs must - and he said he will be around to support me. That if i want to have this baby then he will give me as much help as he can and that i' not on my own.

So i went to bed thinking that i may keep the baby. Then i snuggled into my youngest (we cosleep) and as she was feeding i started to wonder what on earth haing another baby would do to her... would it be fair on her and the others? What about the baby itself?

I honestly don't think i could have an abortion... but i can't see how i can have this baby either.

I'm sorry for repeating myself... i'm just so confused.

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MmeLindt · 15/05/2009 07:57

I was on the other thead.

I am glad that your DP is being so supportive. It is not emotional blackmail to say that you would like him to be around more and perhaps move in. If this is what you would have liked to happen at some point in the future.

Just for one moment, imagine that you are not pregnant.

Would you still feel the same way about him? Would you like him to move in at some point in the future? Could you imagine living with him and your children in one house?

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LessThenIdeal · 15/05/2009 08:02

Yes, i could, no hesitation at all.

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KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 08:06

Lessthen, if it helps at all (and I know it may not so feel free to ignore me) I have been in a farily similar position, I got pg by someone I was not in a relationship with, as such. There was no prospect of him being on the scene so it was going to be all me. I also couldn't face an abortion, I don't think I am brave enough TBH. Anyway, I agonised throughout the pg about what it would do to my other children, how I would cope and all of those other things that whirl around, I made myself quite ill with it.

However we are now several years on from there and that baby is an important part of our family, is loved deeply by its siblings and I am coping - only just some days I admit, the house is far from ideal but we are here and we are happy together! The baby stage was tough at times obviously, I just went with the flow and relaxed as much as I could about the whole thing, it all came together in the end.

I know I am not you and your situation is different and personal to you but I just wanted you to know that it can turn out well.

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FabulousBakerGirl · 15/05/2009 08:09

I onestly think you want to have this baby and are thinking of excuses not too because of what others might think.

While you have to consider the children you have, you can't do something just for them. My DS wanted another sibling, and we had one, but we were going to have one anyway and he wants another now but it isn't right for us so it won't happen.

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MmeLindt · 15/05/2009 08:11

Do you have support from family?

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Northernlurker · 15/05/2009 08:20

LTI - you will always find reasons to to have the baby and they all rest on the unknown in exactly the same way that the reasons to have the baby do. It's a leap of faith which ever way you go BUT I am absolutely certain that your children would cherish and love a new sibling. Remember - it's not just the next couple of years you are looking at but the whole of their lives and whatever they may say about a new baby 9personally i think it will be positive) that in no way anticipates their relationship over the next 60 or 70 years. You aren't screwing things up for them - I think the only person here that you can hurt is you - so go with your gut instinct. Don't let things that may or may not be be barriers to you doing what you feel your heart leads you to.

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Northernlurker · 15/05/2009 08:20

BBother! That should be reasons not to have the baby in the first line

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LessThenIdeal · 15/05/2009 08:41

I have my dad here, and i'm quite close to him, other then that my family live 200 miles away. My exdh family have been great - they take dc out at least once a week, and dc have a good relationship with them - i'm worried that if i have this baby then because they are angry/dissapointedd with me they might take it out on dc. Not really logical i know, but not thinking very straight at the moment.

FBG... i think you are probably right. Being brutally honest, i really don't think i could go through with an abortion. I really don't think i can. So i guess that means i'm going to have this baby. God, i'm scared.

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MmeLindt · 15/05/2009 08:48

Ok. Stop worrying about what your Ex's family are going to think. He left you. He is the one who has not got in touch, and has no contact with his DC.

They are probably not hoping that you and your ex are going to get back together.

You might find that they are delighted that you have found a man who is decent to you, and who can offer you happiness that you deserve.

If not, then they are the ones who lose out if they break off contact with you (not that I think that they will)

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DesertFairy · 15/05/2009 08:51

Not much to add to what everyone has written, but I wanted to send a big hug.... this is a very difficult time for you.. and remember those pregnancy hormones are kicking in and confusing everything.

It sounds like you have a few things going for you.... you're already a fab mum (I can tell by the way you talk about your other children) ...and you have a guy who wants to support you through this difficult time.

Please think about yourself and do what you think is best... stuff the rest of the world they can think what they like! .... Maybe you doctor would be able to arrange for you to talk to someone who can help you work through what to do.

It may not help to tell you this but a friend of mine when through something very similar, but was so worried how her kids and ex-Dh would react(plus the guy was already married) that she had an abortion, she never spoke to anyone, and 4 years later, it still deeply effects her.

You have some time on your side... you don't need to decide today... so sit back a while let in all sink in and follow your heart.

Big big hugs. XXXX

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KingCanuteIAm · 15/05/2009 09:47

Of course you are scared, who wouldn't be? I found it does get (a little) easier once you have made your decision though because it takes away a lot of the variables and you can focus on the things that you really need to attend to.

My first move was to tell the dc father (ex), I told him first because I wanted him to have time to get used to it before the dc started talking about it - I was lucky enough though that I was fairly confident that he would come round and be supportive - even if he did not like it much!

I don't know if I am being any help here, I hope I am but, if I am not, please tell me and I will shut up - with no offence taken. I know that people are really good at saying all the wrong things with the best of intentions!

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LessThenIdeal · 15/05/2009 13:56

KingCanute - please don't shut up at all - i really appreciate your advice.

So, i bit the bullet today and told some of my friends and family about our relationship earlier, and they were great about it. Haven't mentioned the baby yet, but am feeling a little more positive that people are happy that i'm getting on with my life.

DF is coming over this evening - (eldest dc are at exdh brothers tonight) - and we are going to sit down and really talk about what we're going to do. I'm feeling strangely calm, for the first time since i found out.

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