First time mum

[ktjj84]

Does anyone else worry about the life changing event of having a baby?

My pregnancy was planned so i feel even more guilty about worrying about how much my life will change when the baby comes. I guess its about money, lack of sleep, and so on.

Peoples comments dont help, my mother is esp. negative about me looking after a baby, i told her i was feeling tired and she informed me its nothing to how tired i'll feel when the baby comes.

I know my partner is feeling the same, which makes me a little sad, i dont want to worry i want to enjoy every moment.

Any words of wisdom?

[klover]

This is something most people worry about, but we dont all like to talk about it as it somehow makes up feel like a bad mother already! Babies do change your life and the first few months are stressfull and tiring but trust me when you hold your baby in your arms its the most wonderful feeling and makes it all worthwhile. I think as long as you are aware it will be difficult to start off with you will get no nasty surprises. And remember the waking up in the night does not last long, Time flies by when they are finally here!

[ABetaDad]

ktjj84 - you will be incredibly tired at first but sounds like you have a supportive and loving partner. You will come through it.

I was talking to our DS1 (9) a few days ago about what it was like to be a first time parent and what it was like for me to hold him for the very first time.

What he found most amazing was that we got to take him home after just 24 hours and that no one tells you what to do or really gives you any instuctions.

He thought it was an amazing thing that you just get this little human being given to you by the midwife and then you just have to get on with it.

I also told him that as a first time parent what happened was that I immediatley turned into my Dad because that was the only point of reference I had as to what being a parent was like. Seemed to work OK.

[Hawkmoth]

ktjj84 While parenthood is wonderful, you can't expect to enjoy every moment. In fact the moments you might enjoy most at first are when baby's out of the house and you're in the bath trying not to fall asleep!

Parenthood is the hardest job in the world, but the rewards are beyond your wildest dreams. You'll feel you can cope with anything when that baby starts smiling at you.

[Tee2072]

I am also going to be a first time parent, and I have told everyone I know the next person who says 'if you think you're tired now, wait 'til the baby comes' is going to regret it! How is that helpful???

Anyway, I think all of us first timers have those fears. We know, intellectually, everything will change, we aren't stupid, after all!

I plan to take it one second at a time and deal with it the best I can. I don't think you can really do anything else!

[DawnAS]

I also am expecting my first and I'm currently 28 weeks.

I don't know about you guys, but I find the worst times are when I have to get up in the night. When I can't get back to sleep, I start worrying about how I will cope, especially as I have to go back to work full-time when our little one is 3 months old for financial reasons. My job is also on the line as they're making massive redundancies and we would have to sell our home if I lost my job.

I'm worrying about having to put her into childcare, worrying that she won't know who her parents are, worrying that DH and I won't have anytime alone ever again, no more lie-ins etc etc. A lot of my worries are irrational but the majority are real and causing me problems.

I'm glad I'm not the only one that worries. I spoke to my Mum and she says that it's perfectly natural.

But I think Tee is right, I will just take it one day at a time.

Just one more thing, is anyone else worrying about immediately after the birth? How do you know what you're supposed to do? When do you get them dressed? When do you first try to feed? What do you do in the night if they cry? How do you know if it's food, change or just attention they need? So many questions, no idea on the answers!!

xxx

[GYoIsReallyHavingABaby]

Hello ktjj84

Your message really rang some bells with me, so I felt I really wanted to reply. Not sure I've got an answer for you though.

I am also a 1st timer and about to give birth any day now (!) Situations sounds similar, planned baby, very much wanted and then once pregnant like many I'd expect, I've been feeling worried about how I will cope with life changes. Having lived my life "my way" for the past 30yrs, I am/ was worried about how I'd cope with the change despite it being something I really wanted IYSWIM.

I've found pregnancy to be a bit of an emotional rollercoaster of worry about the baby (had some early bleeding) to fear of future and also fear of my own ability to bring up a baby). I've found great comfort in talking to other friends who've previously had very adult centred lives etc and have adapted wonderfully to being parents.

We can all do it- and it probably is the biggest thing we will ever do in our lives, so dont be too harsh on yourself about it.

As I sit here now hoping to give birth sooner rather than later, Im filled with total excitement and joy about what lies ahead for me and my DH.

As for people saying those things about being tired- they need a good slap! I've had similar things said to me and its not very fair. However, I've read a number of posts on MN saying that pregnancy tiredness is much worse than newborn tiredness, think it all depends you etc.

Sorry- have rambled on (can you tell I've got nothing else to do at the moment!). Good luck.

[GYoIsReallyHavingABaby]

DawnAS-
Re knowing what to do, antenatal classes are great for that (NCT if you can do it financially) or the NHS ones. Failing that there will be PLENTY of people who'd like to think they know best who will show you.

A lot I think is about instinct- not that I've done it yet, but thats what my close friends have said.

[brettgirl2]

I think you need to tell your mum straight that you need support, not be made to feel shite.

Thankfully mine's been the opposite - she always went on about how hard it was having young babies etc but since I've been pg she's been concentrating more on the positives!

You really don't need it - all first time mums worry about whether or not they will be able to cope.

[DawnAS]

One more thing, I had a lovely dream last night that our little girl slept straight through the night when we first brought her home, but I stayed awake all night worrying because she didn't wake up!! She woke up bright and breezy at 8am!!

How nice would it be to have a perfect sleeper like that? (Dawnas gazes dreamily into the distance...)

GY, good luck with the birth of your little one... I can't believe my due date is only 12 weeks away!!

xxx

[StealthPolarBear]

"i told her i was feeling tired and she informed me its nothing to how tired i'll feel when the baby comes."
I didn't find that! Was so tired in pregnancy that I was amazed at how much energy I had in the first few days after the birth.
I hate the fact that people are so keen to pass on the bad bits of childbirth and having a newborn. It is really hard but you manage and it's also lovely!

[DawnAS]

GY, my Mum said it was about instinct aswell and that you very quickly get to know what the baby wants and needs.

xx

[StealthPolarBear]

"How do you know what you're supposed to do? When do you get them dressed? When do you first try to feed? What do you do in the night if they cry? How do you know if it's food, change or just attention they need? "
I still don't know this with a 2yo! You just muddle along. In the first few weeks, whenever he cried (well stirred won't make that mistake again!) I picked him up, changed nappy and fed him. obv he was getting attention during that time. If you're wrong, well no harm done and within a few weeks it settles down.

[StealthPolarBear]

oh dear i have no instinct

[brettgirl2]

If it all settled in a few weeks it sounds to me like you have plenty of instinct!

[StealthPolarBear]

nah he just stopped pooing after every feed

[mrsgboring]

IME there is no tiredness quite like pregnancy tiredness. Yes, the baby wakes you up a hell of a lot, and yes, the cut in blood volume you get just after giving birth makes you feel weak, but for me personally, it's nothing like the sick, pervasive, nasty tiredness that is pregnancy. In fact I was positively euphoric even though my DS fed every 90 mins - 2 hours day and night for months. (Maybe that's why )

[StealthPolarBear]

I remember in the last few days of pregnancy thinking "I don't possibly have time to clean the kitchen, I'm going out in an hour" (we had a tiny kitchen)
In the first few days (OK I was on a baby high) I felt I could do anything!

[keels26]

People will always tell you the negative points of having a baby but you rarely get somebody saying to you that its the most amazing experience of your life and that nothing feels as good as cuddling your baby for the first time. It really is an amazing experience and even though you will probably have days where you feel exhausted, you just get on with it.
I had my DS 10 days after my 18th birthday and it was a shock to the system! Once you have your own baby you realise that there not the same as other peoples children, there yours and you can make your own decisions and establish your own routine with them.
Its normal to be worried about having a baby especially when its your first, but Im sure you and your partner will be great. x

[StealthPolarBear]

" It really is an amazing experience and even though you will probably have days where you feel exhausted, you just get on with it."
I agree. But also, when you read that you think "well they have to say that, don't they?" but it really is true! Night feeds weren't that bad for me when DS was tiny - up, feed, back to sleep, and could nap during the day. (Don't ask about when he got older...) If they are bad there are things you can do. No one ever tells you that a lot of the time when you've got them to sleep you stand there watching them for ages because they're just so perfect and wondering how come you were the one who had the most beautiful baby in the world. Or is that just me?

[HensMum]

You won't enjoy every minute. Bits of it will be knackering, stressful, frustrating, dirty and boring. But the first time they smile at you, giggle, give you a cuddle or say "Mummy" makes up for it.

I feel similar to StealthPolarBear that I didn't (and still don't) have a lot of instinct. I'm sure I did a lot wrong when DS was tiny but he forgave me! When they are crying, you just go through the list - feed, nappy, cuddle until you work it out, and accept that sometimes babies just cry for reasons you can't work out. You just get on with it. If you are breastfeeding, you can't go wrong by offering them some boob!

[Dalrymps]

To all the first timers -

It will be difficult at times but as all the others have said, it will also be totally wonderful and amazing. My experience was that it was difficult in ways I hadn't expected and some of the 'warnings' i'd had from other people didn't apply at all.

All your babies will be individuals, it is impossible to know what to expect. The good thing about that is that no one can be an expert on your baby other than you!

I found I was so engrosed in the doing bit that I didn't have time to thing of the hows and whats iyswim.

All I can say is, ignore all the well meaning advice and try not to have too many expectations of your baby or yourself. All you can do is your best. Ignore the books and magazines that tell you what you/baby should do and just go with the flow.

Most of all, soak up every minute cause they don't stay that small for long!