*WHY DO PEOPLE INSIST ON SAYING IM PREGNANT*

[valz]

Hi Ladies just thought i'd add this thread to see if many of you are experiencing or have experienced the same as me, i am almost 7 weeks pregnant with my first, being monitored with early pregancy scans because of threatened mis due to cramping and bleeding. Its still touch and go with me at the min as this only happend a few days before xmas so in order to get out of going out and drinking over xmas me & my husband told people i had a vomiting bug that has been going about, (which i originally thought i had but now i think its morning sickness as ive being throwing up for over a week) My problem is im just so frustrated with people (mostly family; paticularly his family) assuming i am pregnant. everyone knows its not normally announced til the 12 week scan ensures all is ok so why do people insist in probing for news, is it so they can say "i knew it or i told you so". its especially annoying as im still so nervous about having a mis, i think some people are so insensitive and wish they would just keep their noses out and keep opinions to themselves because i know they are chatting amoung themselves speculating whats going on. Am i just over reacting or is this a common problem?

[VinegarTits]

Maybe because they are excited for you

If people know you are ttc and have had a mis they are bound to want good news for you and being pg would be good news, not insensitive at all

I think you are maybe a little over sensitive, i dont think people are saying it to be mean

[NorthernLurker]

I think you're over reacting - very understandably. All you family etc are just wishing you well - and yes it's none of their business but it's also very much their business iyswim. They just want to share in your joy - now that's not working for you because atm your terrified but they don't know that. It's complicated isn't it? Hope everything works out well and you can make the announcement at 12 weeks!

[valz]

thanks ladies, vinegartits no-one knows im ttc and this is my first time, havent had a mis before so all these assumptions are made on the fact that i stayed in over xmas with a bug. i have to laugh at your username by the way, i can only guess theres a story behind that.

Northernlurker i know they probably only mean well but so many times ive heard them talking about couples announcing a pregancy very early on and saying you'd think they would have waited the 3 months which is why i cant understand why they expect me to. they have children themselves they should understand the reasons behind the 12 week wait!!

[NorthernLurker]

I think you'll find that hey don't think pf the 12 weeks applying to them because they are family or 'close' friends! They will understand when you tell them about the threatened loss - but I think that until then it simply won't have entered their imagination that miscarriage could touch them? I have been luck to conceive easily and carry to term - didn't realise how lucky till a family member lost her first baby. You think it's something that happens to other people not you and yours. When you know it can happen to your circle it makes you a lot more careful and sensitive.

[FairLadyRantALot]

hmmm...I don't think everyone waits for 12 week scans and stuff before they tell people...tbh...must admit we never, and I did have 2 M/c's but felt that if people knew I was pg it was easier to deal with things when somehting did go wrong, iykwim.

Tbh, I think it is just a common comment people make to any woman in childbearing age....I was ill the otehr week and my mum asked if I was maybe pg (she knows dh had the snip...lol)....

Anyway, best of luck with your pg!

[xxhunnyxx]

They're probably just excited about the prospect of a new addition to the family, I'm sure they don't mean any harm by it.

If the worst did come to the worst and you did miscarry would you not want your family to know what has happened? If the answer is no then yes keep it to yourselves and just ignore them and laugh it off. If you think that it would actually make it easier for you if people knew that you had miscarried then you may as well tell certain people now, at least then they would understand the situation and know to keep their mouths shut.

We told our close friends and family immediately, even though we also had a risk of miscarriage, if I had lost the baby I would have needed their support so it made sense for me.

[wellbalanced]

I only stuck to the 12wk rule with friends, My sister and a friend were told at 6wk, Family knew at 7ish wk and my best friend 8wk, At 10wk i went on a hen do had a 'bug' 1o friends just carried on with me not drinking and felt sorry for me and 1 girl just kept asking if i was pregnant!! I carried on saying NO!!! On some rounds i even shouted to my sis and best friend (so everyone heard) get me a vodka and coke this round!!!
Hope you go on to have a healthy and happy pregnancy, Try not to let it bother you...!!!

[Jacksmama]

I think you're under a lot of strain right now and everything, especially people who you perceive as nosy and insensitive, are irritating you, and I think that's completely nomal. I don't see it as a YABU/YANBU kind of thing. You're stressed, they're pissing you off. You're the one who's going through all this, it's your emotions that count.
When I was very early pregnant with DS, DH blabbed to a bunch of people before I had a chance to catch him up and say, hey, maybe we should wait until we've had the amnio you doofus honey? But at that point he'd already told someone who had no tact and screamed out CONGRATULATIONS in front of a full waiting room of patients at the office... patients who didn't know... you should have seen my face, I must have looked like I'd sucked on a basketfull of lemons. It was even worse when we ended up having a huge scare with our triple test and everyone knew by then we were pregnant - if we'd ended up not being pregnant anymore I don't know how I could have coped with explaining (or not explaining). Anyway - what I'm trying to say is that I understand how you feel, this is a time when things are hanging in the balance and you wish everyone would f-ck off butt out and mind their own... no useful advice to give, actually, just some support and a (((HUG))) and I hope everything's ok.

[brettgirl2]

I agree with you entirely. However, be prepared - people ask pregnant women lots of bizarre personal questions that I would never ask.

The one person who really made me laugh was an older lady I work with. Everytime over the last couple of years I looked a bit white she was enquiring about pregnancy (in a joking way) but it was so funny because when I was pg she said nothing at all - so I knew that she knew from really early on. She was like 'but I didn't say anything' and I was like 'yes, exactly!'.

I don't know why people are so obsessed with people not drinking, there are loads of reasons why someone mught not want to drink alcohol, pg only being one of them! A couple of years ago me and OH went out with his friend and friend's wife - she wasn't drinking but then I assumed she didn't drink until she starting waffling about antibiotics and I just knew she was pg then.

[WalkingInAWonderStuffingLand]

People don't think, having had a mc I never probe when I suspect people are pg, its just rude, the people who ask you when you are going to have children the minute you get married are also a pita imho. They mean well, but it is so sensitive pregnancy.

I did tell people about my second pg early even though I had had a mc because if it was going to end in tears I wanted people to understand, rather than have to explain a mc and a pg iyswim

When I got pg after mc my dad said good luck, which was nice, my mum said 'Try not to get your hopes up' which was very insensitive, but she didn't mean to be mean

If you are feeling sick thats a good sign (though miserable)

Good luck x

[dreamydowler]

poor you I can completely understand I had two miscarriages and decided not to tell anyone I was pregnant until the 12 week scan with my last pregnancy and indeed with this one. It does become very awkward and I got loads of comments even when I would say I was on antibiotics people would say one wont hurt you The worst time was when I attended a fortune tellers evening at my sisters house when I was pregnant (second miscarriage) after my reading the man reentered the room and said he should charge me double as I was pregnant I was understandably livid I think after the awful trauma of the miscarriages though I decided it would actually be in my best interests to tell my mum and my eldest daughter so I didnt have the stress of having to pretend and could take it a bit easier without people thinking me lazy etc and in case anything did happen you would need to tell people anyway why you are going to hospital and is often easier to mention your concerns now than when extremely upset. I still choose not to tell all and sundry and definitely kept it from the younger children until I could show them a photo. Im now 16 weeks and still panicing until I have my 20 week scan but showing so couldnt have kept it a secret that long. I like you was sick for a good while in fact still occassionally am so it becomes harder to keep up the pretence. This is my 8th baby [all being well] and 10th pregnancy by the way and am still as panicky as I was with my first good luck and try not to get too stressed by doing whatever you need to to ease the stress and take it easy xx

[deanychip]

They all do though dont they...in fact even if you sneeze they ask "your not pregant are you?" from the moment that you get married.
Tis compulsory i think!

Im not a fan of telling any one till 16 weeks or so, and i mean no one, its double crap when you have a mc...and people still ask you "how far are you now?"

[whomovedmychocolate]

Valz - would you prefer it if they said (as was frequently said to me) 'well I won't say congrats yet in case the baby dies'?

I had a miscarriage before both kids and people did say some pretty dumb things but it's just because they don't know what to say for the best, if they act positive and happy for you, that's sometimes the wrong thing, if they act like it doesn't matter, you think they don't care.

I know you are going through a really stressful time right now but honestly they aren't trying to upset or piss you off, just trying to be supportive, in their own perverse little ways.

Good luck.

[Cazzywazzy]

Having tried for ten years, with everyone constantly asking and hurting my feelings, I split up with husband and got pregnant in a fling - my tummy is starting to show and NO ONE's asking - ha ha. Isn't it ironic!

[BabyBump2B]

I know how you feel a bit. We told family and close friends at 8 weeks but a cheeky cow woman I work with asked me the other day which I think is incredibly rude. Like I would tell her, who I hardly know, before anyone else!

I think family and friends are just hopeful for you!

[valz]

ok ladies, the frustration of this subject hit an all time high at the weekend. my hubbys family were going out for a meal and all taking a bus. me and hubby decided to go in our car as we hadnt planned on stayiing out for obvious reasons, ive still a few weeks to go before big scan so no1 knows about pregnancy yet. from the minute we arrived in the restaurant the topic of conversation turned to me being pregnant, i had even ordered a drink to sip on to cover myself but it didnt stop the f**king tongues wagging. i know some of you think that they only want to share in our good news but i seriously think they just want to be fit to say they knew all along. they touched on the subject many times throughout the night, i just think its rediculous and really rude especially when two of the biggest offenders had babies in october 08 and 07 and i certainly didnt hear word of their pregnancys until after the 12 week scan.

its got to the stage that they are not asking am i pregnant anymore but instead telling me i am, they even calculated i must be 8 weeks, this all came about because i was sick over xmas. it made me so mad i swear i was looking forward to having the 12 weeks over me so i could tell people, ive now decided im going to tell my mother, maybe my sister(who they've pestered the life out of to see if she knows anything) because i know i can trust them and the rest can figure out for themselves when i start to show since they're so smart and reckon they have it all figured out they dont need to be told personally. huh anger vented...thanks

[MrsTittleMouse]

They don't mean it badly, but it drives me nuts too. We didn't tell until 14 weeks both times - we are private people and if anything happened we would want to grieve in private. I can't see how people don't realise that not everyone wants all their business out in the open.

[valz]

its driving me nuts completely, its like they're broadcasting news before its confirmed, its gossip. i know they dont mean it badly but its pissing me off to the extent i don't wanna be around any of them cuz i couldnt be arsed with 50 questions.

[FairySparkles]

Tell them all your trying but have'nt had any luck yet - and how would they feel if you had a mc due to stress from all their pestering!! Tell them to keep their noses out or else when you do get pregnant you won't bother telling them at all!! Hopefully it may double bluff them??!?!?
Good luck with the pg tho - I've just found out I'm 4wks pg with dc2 - I have to tell my job straight away due to it being a violent one - therefore everyone has to know straight away! With dd1 I was convinced I was jinxed because everyone knew so early and was expecting to mc - but I didn't and she's 1 next week - its just superstition!!

[MrsTittleMouse]

Oh, good idea fairysparkles - it explains the not drinking thing and should make them feel suitably uncomfortable. Only thing is - when you admit that you are pregnant, you're going to get a load of crowing from them about how they knew.

[ThumbBurns]

I have some sympathy with this - I didn't want to tell anyone until the first scan was safely out the way either, especially as a very close friend of mine had had a molar pg a year or so previously - and yet, people would ask, despite me giving perfectly valid reasons as to why I wasn't drinking (Driving, for e.g. !) so I chose to lie to them - not willingly, I would rather not have been put in that position, but I didn't want to say oh yes, but it's early days etc. blah blah and then if it went wrong to have to tell people it had all gone wrong - better not to say anything or just throw it back at them and say (for example)
"Why? Do I look fat or something?" that shoudl shut them up too!

FairySparkles - not sure whether that's a congrats or not thing that you are 4 weeks pg? Don't know your story, if you have posted it. for you if it's not a good thing; for you if it is.

[Vamonos]

I understand where you're coming from and how rude and invasive it feels when you know people are surmising and gossiping about something that is so sensitive and personal.

I got pregnant unexpectedly when I had a high-pressure job and lots of female colleagues, and I lived the first few weeks of my pregnancy in total dread of people finding out. It was all the more difficult as I was having a lot of trouble getting my head round it and was also very worried about the pregnancy going wrong. By the time I reached the 12 week stage the rumour mill was working overtime and people were starting to make comments directly to me before I finally announced it. It wasn't malicious, but it was very difficult to deal with as I was in such a state.

The family thing is a bit different and a lot depends on how close you are to them and what they actually say. However I still think people should have respect for your feelings - it's up to you if and when you want to announce anything and they don't know all the facts.

As it happened my pregnancy was fine and the best thing that ever happened to me, and with the benefit of hindsight I'd be a lot more relaxed if the same situation was to happen again. But nobody should assume they have a 'right' to know and badger you about it, it's not fair.

Good luck with your pregnancy, hope all goes well

[valz]

ah thanks girls, i know sometimes i might be over sensitive about it because ive been going for early pregnancy scans for reassurance, ive one today which im very excited about. im pretty close to the family but its just the fact that they dont seem to want to wait for us to tell the news, instead they just keep on and on about it and i know its discussed when im not there either. fairy good luck with your pregnancy, its so exciting yet terrifying the first few months.

[Highlander]

why did you tell them, if you don't want them to talk about it?

[valz]

hi highlander why do you think i told them? they were told nothing, they dont even know we were trying. they have just assumed this because we were a year married in august 08 and i was sick over xmas.