Reactions to my pregnancy

[sausagenmash]

Hello I just wanted a little advice, as I have had real mixed reactions to my pregnancy - am 19 weeks today. Most of my friends have been absolutely thrilled, my partner is v v happy, and so am I. Initially my parents were disappointed ("you silly girl, what have you done" kind of thing) but they have now come round. The last couple of weeks have been horrendous. My 'best friend' got married on the 20th Dec and I was meant to be bridesmaid. I told her when I found out I was pregnant that I could 'resign' but she wasn't having any of it. I gave her my all, for the hen night, organising surprises etc. Throughout December she ignored all my texts, emails, calls, and then 3 days before the wedding her fiance called me to say I was 'sacked' as she felt unsupported!!! Needless to say I went into shock, and practically collapsed into a heap of tears in my office after the call ended. We didn't go to the wedding!!

THEN on boxing day, I was at my parents, and my Aunt was there - she hadn't met my fiance yet - and she ignored the both of us. Apparently she told my parents that she is exceptionally disappointed in me, I have brought shame on the family, she thought better of me, etc etc. Me being the one in the family who has worked my a*se off working full time since EVER, and studied part time for a BSc, MSc and now I'm half way through my PhD.

Why? Because I'm not married!!! And the hugely laughable thing is - I'm not a kid - I'm 36!!!

Because of these nasty reactions, I'm finding it really, really hard to enjoy my pregnancy, and it makes me so, so sad. Lovely partner person (DP? am new to this!) is SO supportive and tells me to ignore them, but I've now lost my best friend, and it just feels so rubbish

Has anyone else experienced such nastiness from friends and family? I've wanted a baby for years and years, and I just want everyone to be happy.... not to much to ask, is it?!

[NAB3lovelychildren]

DO NOT let these mean people and comments spoil the special time that having a baby brings.

[traceybath]

how utterly bizarre of your friend - an extreme case of bridezilla perhaps where she was scared the attention wouldn't all be on her? And extremely cowardly to get her fiance to do the dirty work.

Your aunt and parents are mad - are they very old or very very traditional?

If its any consolation when my mum was pregnant with me and married to a man my grandparent's hated they didn't speak to her and were very cross with her. However as soon as i was born it totally changed and they were devoted grandparents.

Try not to let these people ruin your pregnancy.

[mrsboogie]

Oh my god in this day and age! Ignore anyone who isn't fully supportive of you and delighted about your good news. Their views are not important. What is important is your wonderful news and yours and your partners future with your baby.

I am 40 and the first thing my mother asked me when I told her I was pregnant last summer was "are you getting married?" I'm bloody well not and if she doesn't like it she can lump it!

Congratulations!

[mrsboogie]

oh yeah - it does sound like your "friend" may have been jealous or worried you might get some of her limelight...

[yama]

Try to concentrate on your pregnancy.

I was 29 and on my own. I expected a bit of negativity so decided to invest all my time/thoughts/emotions on protecting my unborn child. It was going to be be me and baby against the world.

In the end, I didn't encounter any of the expected negativity. Even my 89 year old Gran was delighted.

Gravitate towards those who are being supportive and happy. When baby is born you won't care about the others.

[ScummyMummy]

They sound like right plonkers, sausagenmash. Especially your friend- that must be v hard to bear. Guess she got caught up in that bridezilla thing people talk about but I can really understand why you are upset. Do you think she thought you were grabbing attention away from her or maybe just felt miffed that you couldn't join in all the drunken rabble rousing to the usual extent? (not suggesting you're a lush or anything, honest!) Hope she thinks again and apologises.

Your aunt just sounds laughably old fashioned! Is she 103 or something? You must roll your eyes and cackle gentky at her ridiculous 19th century attitude. You know what? You need to go with the fact that you and your partner want this baby loads. It's your love child! It will be a super fabster star baby. No one else's opinion counts. However, just you wait till the gorgeous one is born- everyone who's anyone will change their tune and come flocking to worship.

[mrsdisorganised]

Just thought I'd say congratultions!!
The main thing now you need to concentrate on is you, your dp and your bump! Please try not to let the comments and lack of support from a 'best friend' get to to you, this is one of the most important times in your life and you should be enjoying it...(((hugs)))

Good luck

[StripeyKnickersSpottySocks]

So sorry to hear this has happened. Sounds like your friend got a very bad case of Bridezilla.

My parents had a bad reaction when I toldthem I was pg - again because I wasn't married. My mum told me to get an abortion and then didn't speak to me for 6 months. DD is 7yo now and I have forgiven my mum.

Try and ignore them and spend time now with the people who are being nicer to you. Your aunt will come round.

As for your friend, maybe things will get better between you and maybe they won't. Maybe you will be better off without her?

[Cherrybaby]

Hello sausagenmash, congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

I would have found the incident with your friend really shocking six months ago...if I hadn't experienced something similar in meaning, if not situation.
My very close friend - who I have helped through countless break-ups and crises and shared a flat with at uni - just cut off from me when my fiance and I announced our engagement! She completely ignored me till the wedding day,; my calls and texts were never returned. I was so hurt...and then very angry, and needless to say she did not receive an invite to the wedding!

Recently, she texted me out of the blue - five months later, and I told her I was pregnant. I texted her several times after, but there was nothing. Her reaction was expected this time ; she's dissapeared again.

Some people just can't bear other people's happiness and good news. It seems to me like your news made her very jealous, and jealousy drove her to distance herself from you.
You don't need 'friends' like that. As for your family's reaction, they will melt like an ice cream in an oven once they see the cherub, you watch!
Hope everything goes really well for you x

[sausagenmash]

Aaaw - thank you all so much for your lovely, lovely comments, hugs and congratulations!!

As for my friend, who knows - she had left everything till the last minute, including not buying the rings, sorting the catering etc till around 2 weeks before the wedding. She assured me she had my outfit under control (even though I offered countless times to meet the dressmaker without her, go into town and collect the shoes, etc) - I think she hadn't sorted any of it and was too gutless to tell me!! However, I didn't think that jealousy could be a factor. Well spotted, everyone.

Family - hm. Odd one. My parents are in their late 60s, auntie in her 70s - funny thing is that she's a vicar AND everyone thinks she's gay - she's lived with her friend for the last 40 odd years - which is absolutely fine - but you would have thought she would be more lenient! (god, my life is such a soap opera!!)

cherrybaby - wow - funny how 'friends' behave, isn't it? Certainly can do without people like that, eh?

scummymummy - you are SO right - they are all plonkers! And the 'lush' comments aren't too far off!! .... sigh.... I miss wine.... Being out last night and making half a lager last was very difficult!!

Thanks everyone - I really do feel a lot happier xx

[chaya5738]

These are really sad reactions and I have had something similar. At the end of the day I try to remember that it is not about me but about them and the issues they have about pregnancy. My friend is jealous, I think, and me being pregnant has made her question her life. I figure that is her issue and I am not going to let it bring me down.

That is great news though! And given that your partner is thrilled that is all you need!

Congratulations.

[onlyanauntie]

Thrilled for you that you're expecting a baby...there will always be some people who react strangely though.

I'm TTC at the moment but we are not married (lived together for 5 years) and not that bothered by it. However, in my job, I know many many eyebrows will be raised when/if I eventually get pregnant, and lots of 'oooh and she's not married' - it did bother me for a while, and now I just think 'so what, my life, my baby, my decisions'....

[xxhunnyxx]

Ignore these people! I always think you should surround yourself with possitive, supportive people and anybody who doesn't fit this description doesn't deserve a place in your life!
It sounds to me like you are in the perfect situation to have a baby, what is marriage other than a piece of paper? Does marriage even keep couples together anymore? NO!
Luckily I haven't experienced any direct negativity, however I have noticed that a lot of women are jealous. I've seen a little glimmer and envy and disapointment in a couple of people's eyes. It sounds to me like your friend is maybe a little jealous, she probably expected that she would be the first to have a baby so feels a little 'miffed' by it.
However, are u sure u haven't said or done anything that may have upset her? I know that there were a couple of weeks when I was so hormonal, tired and short tempered and I did neglect a couple of my friends and could be a little 'offish' at times. Friends that have been pregnant understand this but those who haven't defo don't.

[kizzie]

The only really important thing is that you and your partner are delighted . So congratulations !!!! People can be very odd - but you're having a lovely baby so hurrah and boo sucks to them

x

[backalleysally]

Congratulations on your pregnancy .

I had mixed reactions from people when I fell pregnant with my DS....I was unmarried (still am!),28 years old and had only known my DP for 3 months! Four years on we have 2 DC's and are very happy.

Take no notice of other peoples opinions/reactions, it's none of their business anyway. It is upsetting because you want everyone to be as excited as you are about the baby. You and your partner are over the moon and thats all that matters!

[sausagenmash]

Thanks everyone for your comments - xxhunnyxx - have racked my brains, can't think what I may have done to upset my 'friend'....! I organised her hen night for her when I was around the 12 - 13 week mark, and that took A LOT as she kept changing her mind re dates, venue, people, what she wanted to do. Ugh. Glad she is in the past now.

As for my auntie... got a thank you letter from her today re: xmas present, but she also said she is at a loss at what to say to me as I haven't told her about my 'condition' - could hardly bloody miss it on boxing day, and anyway, my parents told her ages ago. Moo.

... and as for the baby - now starting to have mini parties at 4am... hhmmm!!
x

[Salem1]

I believe in the marriage insitution and lived properly that it's the best environment to bring up a child. However, I think all children are a blessing and have a right to be in this world.

I think this issue is a lot more cultural and deeper than we'll ever know. There must be a 'history' of events in this.

[LoveActually]

Hi sausagenmash. Have you tried to call/speak to your friend. It could be she was freaked out about getting married and took it out on you?
Put out an olive branch and if she ignores it at least you have tried.
I am the last one in my family to have a baby. Me and DP not married but he's the only boyfriend I've ever had. We've known each other 12 years.
My family thought I was a career obsessed 30something, and when I got pregnant they were so delighted I think they were prepared to forget the marriage thing.
Be with people who make you happy! x

[mummyofboys]

My (now) DH and I had our first son when we weren't married. He was at our wedding 18 mnths later though and it was lovely to have him there. However, when my MIL found out I was pregnant the first thing she said was "Oh, please don't have a bastard!" I have since reminded her of her words when our son entered senior school this year on a full academic scholarship .... Clever bastard ah!? up ya bum !!!!!!

[sausagenmash]

Oooh, mummyofboys, what a terrible thing for your MIL to say! But - yaboosucks to her in the end, eh?

Loveactually - I think one of the reasons why I was so upset in the first place is that she has refused to answer my calls, texts or emails - even her fiance 'sacked' me. I think she is currently on her honeymoon. Who knows? She hasn't told me!! And, TBH, this isn't the first time she has behaved like this, and not just with me - if she disagrees with someone on one point, she will ignore any contact from them. Last time she did this to me, I called her. Am not saying 'its her turn' but there's only so much shit you can take from a 'friend' - I didn't attend her wedding in the end - I felt too hurt to go - but I still arranged all the bits and pieces that I had planned, and others knew. She would have known. I even had a lovely call from her mum - I was in cahoots with her for some secret baby photo thing - she left a message saying thank you so much for all the hard work I put in, despite everything, and how sad she was it came to this, had no idea what she was playing at, she was being stubborn, and wished me well with my baby. Another point to add is that when she asked me to be bridesmaid and I lightly said 'ooh what if I was pregnant' she retorted 'oh god don't you dare, I don't want you looking like trailer trash at my wedding.' Nuff said I think, and I have much nicer friends than her...

Salem1 - not quite sure I get your point - do you mean a history in my family, or history in general? And yes, TBH, I would have liked to be married first, but this pregnancy was a bit of a surprise - we are getting married in October.. I do believe that some people do feel strongly about certain things like marriage first etc, and I do respect that. However, I still do think my aunt has behaved appallingly - its so hurtful. The whole family hasn't said a thing about her and her partner for the last 50 or so years - why am I such a black sheep to be pregnant for the first time at the age of 36 with the man I love, having supported myself and studied part time all my working life, and didn't think I would have a lovely other half, let alone a baby? Booooo. Am all sad again

[LoveActually]

I must admit I've got one friend who has, in the past (and before her DS was born) who behaved in a similar way. It was all very strange. I ended up not contacting her and lo and behold she turns up on my doorstep on day begging to be forgiven. If she is a true friend the same may happen to you. Does your aunt have children? Just wondering if she might be jealous? x

[wotulookinat]

YOu have my sympathy. Oldies can be odd, can't they? I am not married, but my partner and I have a 2 year old. We have been engaged since before I got pregnant and planned to have a baby before we got married. When I told my mum I was pregnant she said 'oh, you'll be getting married now then', to which I said, 'erm, no. I want to drink at my wedding and enjoy myself!' My mum married my dad when she was pregnant.

We have no plans to get married yet (can't afford it and keep disagreeing about how we want to do things), but we are planning another child.

Don't worry about them - hopefully they'll come around to the idea. With a bit of luck, your aunt will talk to friends/work colleagues/whatever and they will correct her old-fashioned way of thinking.

[sausagenmash]

Hmm. Loveactually - my aunt has never married, she has lived with her 'friend' for yonks - no-one is certain if she is a lesbian or not, but either way, no-one is bothered. So, no children.

wotulookinat - she's also a vicar! Arrgh. Honestly!

[wotulookinat]

Maybe (with no offence meant to your aunt) she is jealous?

[sausagenmash]

• go ahead and offend! Mum says its the final straw anyway! She could be jealous - but when Mum told her that even though my pregnancy is unplanned, everyone is really happy as I wasn't sure if I could have babies - history of ovarian cyst, v naff periods, etc, and apparently (I only found this out this evening btw) she said 'so? whats that got to do with not being married?' I can possibly understand it not agreeing with her principles, but FFS she's my aunt! And my Godmother! My born again Christian cousin in Australia is over the moon for me...

Btw, wot - know what you mean re: wedding - I want to have a few drinks too!! And eat brie, pate, stilton, smoked salmon, beef so rare its still mooing, poached eggs with runny yolks, wine, wine, and more wine .... not altogether, natch....