Pregnant with first baby and scared (long - sorry)

[littleduck]

Hi all

I found out nearly 2 weeks ago that I am pregnant, I am 5+3 today. I am 36 and in a stable happy relationship and I love my DP very much, however this pregnancy was not planned and has come as rather a shock to both of us. We had intended to start trying to have a baby in the future, maybe a year or so's time, but not yet. DP and I are not married (by way of background I separated from my former husband 2.5 years ago and met DP about 6months later. Ex and I get on well and he also has a new partner, we started divorce proceedings a year ago and got Decree Nisi on 15 July and Decree Absolute set to be granted next week).

I don't feel excited about my pregnancy yet, at the moment I am mainly scared and I feel awful about that, especially as I know that many women who are having difficulty getting pregnant would love to be in my position.

I am rather scared about the prospect of becoming a mum at all. I am frightened that I won't enjoy motherhood - some children I really enjoy spending time with but others I emphatically don't and I am so frightened that I won't enjoy my baby, who deserves a loving mummy. I have been very used to being independent and doing my own thing and worried that I will find it hard to adjust to losing freedom and the demands of motherhood. As a result of spending time with one friend who had a baby last year, I get the impression that motherhood is all hard work and no fun, I really hope that my impression is wrong and although very hard work I will enjoy being a mum and will be a good mum to my baby.

I am worried about how my mum will react to the news - she is lovely but rather traditional and I think she may disapprove of me being pregnant outside marriage.

I am also concerned about how the news will be taken at work as the head of the firm I work for is very old fashioned. I will need to go back to work after maternity leave and don't want to be made to feel bad or be treated differently becuase DP and I aren't married.

I feel really awful to have all these fears and I realise they may seem very stupid and selfish. I do really want to be a good mum as little one deserves nothing less, I am so worried that because I don't feel excited about the baby now, that I won't enjoy being a mum.

I suppose what I am trying to ask - has anyone out there ever felt any worries like mine, and did it turn out OK in the end.

I'm sorry to have rambled on, thanks for reading and for any wise words you may have. I really didn't want to bother anyone with all this but I have no-one else to ask as we haven't told any family or friends about the baby yet and I'd be so grateful to have the benefit of your experience.

Love

LD

[mppaw]

These feelings are completely normal. But why don't you try and start to rationalise your thoughts. My mind goes out of control on some days (19 weeks with DC2) and EVERYTHING seems so bad. But I try and sit down and think thru all my worries and put them into perspective. If this is any help, here are a few tips/advice,
Try not to put pressure on yourself about how you SHOULD be feeling, take each day as it comes.
For the next 35 weeks do things with DP as once the baby comes your life will change (For the better, I promise), weekend aways etc.
Research any concerns, internet, talking to others with Children.
Dont want to sound pathetic and mother earthy, but it really is great. That comes from someone who used to go out ALL the time, no concern for others, only worried about me etc...hope this helps.x

[Elasticwoman]

Many of your worries are quite rational - eg will you enjoy being a mother. The answer is that some women don't seem to, some make a complete hash of it, but don't you think that the majority see motherhood as the most important relationship of their lives?

Worrying about what other people think, however, is a waste of time. Whatever you do or don't do, some one will criticise you for it. At work, the bottom line is it is none of any one else's business whether you have a child or what your marital status is. The important thing is how do you feel about it? If you feel that marriage is important, I'm sure you will be able to marry dp when your divorce is through. The important thing is that the baby is born into a stable, loving and accepting home. Doesn't matter that baby isn't planned - some 40% of all babies are not, so they say.

I think that most of your friends and relatives will be delighted for you - unless you show that you are NOT pleased, in which case they will be embarrassed and not know how to react.

Remember that you are in control of how you bring up your child. The chances are you will feel all the natural love that most women feel for their babies, but even if you don't immediately, you can control your actions if not your feelings.

[aurorec]

Re motherhood, I think your fears are perfectly normal- nothing selfish or silly about them!

When I decided to try for baby n.1 I was not maternal AT ALL, I just thought DH and I were both at a stage in our life where we should start thinking about a family. As it turned out, it happened straight away, and at 1st I had a lot of misgivings.
Although I though it was the right time chronologically to have a child, to actually suddenly realise that it was going to happen really freaked me out. It's such a massive change and responsibility to think you've created this little life that I felt like a bit of a fraud- like I didn't 'deserve' it and I wouldn't even know what to do with a baby anyway.
As far as the pregnancy, I didn't enjoy it. I was puking for 5 months of it, and bored the rest of the time! . I really resent this pressure pregnant women get about 'glowing' 'blooming' and all that crap! It just makes expectant mothers feel bad when they don't conform to the image that is expected of them.

And yes motherhood is hard work, but not like what I expected.
First of all when DD was born, there was this bizarre feeling that we 'knew' her. it's very hard to describe, but I took one look at her and I felt like I recognised her and that she already had her little personality.
As for all the bathing, washing, changing etc. yes it's time-consuming, but you just do it without thinking about it. It's tiring, Bfing was in my case very hard for 3 months, but for the 1st time in my life (and I am a lazy slob) I just got on with things.

Anyway will stop my novel but all I can say is pregnancy and motherhood are COMPLETELY DIFFERENT. I hope this doesn't sound patronising or cliche, but seriously once the LO is born everything changes and nothing else matters.

[NoPainNoGain]

You´re right to be scared! It´s a massive change when you´re used to being independent. It took me a long time to realise I would prefer to be tied down by my chidren than have my freedom... I think things really get easier as they grow up, much more fun and less of a daily grind. I don´t think I enjoy the baby stage very much, much prefer having other "people" around!

Forget about what other people think and don´t let anyone make you feel bad. You´re going into this with your eyes wide open, my guess is you´ll be all set to cope with your new life!

[MrsTittleMouse]

It's not strange or selfish at all. Both my DDs have been conceived with fertility treatment (i.e. couldn't have been more planned!) and we still have had wobbly moments through both pregnancies when we wonder what on earth we're doing and how we'll cope. We've done just fine though, and we think that DD1 is the sweetest, most adorable little monkey girl ever (and I'm sure that we'll do the same with DD2).

To be honest, the biggest change for us is that we need to be more organised. We still have lots of fun together, but we need to plan it now (to book a babysitter) rather than just going out straight from work because we feel like it. But honestly, we still do have fun together and we still have the same relationship with each other.

[betterhalf]

I got pregnant at the age of 38 after 17 years of marriage. We hadn't planned the pregnancy and took precautions, so I was absolutely shocked to the core when I found out I was pregnant. I spent the first month after finding out crying my eyes out, imagining the worse case scenarios, all our plans for the future up in smoke, etc etc.

Then, I don't know how or why, but overnight these feelings stopped and I started to look forward to being a Mum and started focusing on all the great things there are about it. I have a 7 month old DS now, and I can't imagine my life without him, or remember life before him much either. Yes it's hard work, but the rewards are massive.

I sometimes look back and wonder why was I so selfish and why did I make such a big fuss about it as he truly is the best thing that's happened to me, but I think the feelings are natural. Motherhood is a huge step to take, but millions wouldn't do it if it wasn't worth it. You will be fine. Chill out, allow yourself to have the feelings you're having and don't feel guilty. It's all perfectly natural.

[PavlovtheCat]

I had similar fears, not all of yours but some.

DD was planned for the future, not when she happened, but she was so the right time, and as time has gone on, we believe that more and more and more.

I thought, sometimes I might feel trapped, that DH would feel trapped (he was DP at the time), that we would be bored not going out, that we would be losing out.

I worried that I might not cope with being a mother, that I would not get it right. I worried that I might suffer from PND, and what if that happened.

Once she was born, it was magical. All my fears of the future faded, and I enjoyed her instantly. I did not realise that watching her watching me when she was first born would be more rewarding than going out with my friends!

I am not saying it is easy, at 2, DD is a handful, but 95% of the time it is great, fun, and getting more and more fun as she gets older and interacts more. The other 5%, that would apply to anything else too, like going out, enjoying it mostly, but one part longing to stay in before DD.

It will change your life, of course it will, how can it not? That is why you have those fears, you need to realise that you will change and fears help us realise the importance of what we are doing.

It is big, and scary and wonderful and fulfilling, and you will be able to go out again, but you might not always want to! It did not stop us doing things, we went to USA twice so far, last time for 4 weeks, we go kayaking like we did before, and we do new things too, go to nicer restuarants as we plan it, want it to be special, have dinner parties more, go to the beach more...go to the Zoo more!!!!

As for what other people think, I echo everyone else here. Sod em.

[ajm200]

Your fears are perfectly normal. Even when couples have been trying for ages, actually finding out that you are actually pregnant is a bit of a shock. It is a worrying time too, you've just had some great news that is going to change your life forever, you will be a mum forever and you'll love it.

Don't worry about what others think.. you are going to have your own family now and they will be your number 1 priority.

The worry and guilt that is part of being a mother starts with the positive pregnancy test and continues for the rest of your life... but being a mum is worth every minute

Congratulations..

[Chooster]

I echo what many others on here have said... My DS1 wasn't planned as I'd only been with DP for a year and a half when we found out, and I too was scared about what it all meant. DP (now DH) and I are both only children so I'd never been around kids much - I was the first of my friends to do it too. The first little while was a bid adjustment and I did find it a bit lonely (moving country at 8 months pregnant probably didn't help ), but as time went on I really got in the swing of it. Now, he (and his brother!) make me and DH complete. I know that sounds really naff, but its just like it was all meant to be. By the way, we got married when DS1 was 3 months old and he was christened at the same time. It was a wonderful day if slightly unconventional .

As has been said dont think about how you should be feeling, think about how you DO feel and tackle those fears head on. There is no point worrying about what type of mother you will be because quite clearly you will be the very best you can, mainly because you are already thinking about it at 5 weeks pregnant which is the sign of someone who really cares already.

In terms of other people's views, hopefully you can have an open conversation with your mum about how it wasn't planned but that you want to make the best of the situation. Hopefully she will take the point that she needs to help you do that not make it worse.
Good luck and just make sure you take all that pressure from your shoulders, its still early days and you have a long way to go yet before your LO is here.

[Chooster]

By the way, just by looking at threads on MN, you'll realise that there is no such thing as a perfect mum. You and your LO will have a totally unique relationship that means you'll need to adjust how you deal with things all the time and learn from parenting mistakes . My DS1 is 4 and just as I think I've got this parenting lark licked he starts a new phase and there are new challenges!!! But the laughs and love I get from him are like no other

[BlueJellie]

I know how u must be feeling, me and DP were together 4 years when I found out I was pregnant. He has been pining for children for a while but I told him I wouldn't be ready for at least another 2 years, didn't know if I would ever be ready as I don't particulary like children! Wasn't really happy about it until about the 5 month mark, am now 35weeks & still bricking it on whether I'll have a 'maternal' instinct. I agree with a previous poster there is so much pressure on us to be blooming & full of the joys of impending motherhood but the reality is it's a scary prospect for most so don't feel at all strange for not being excited/ happy, you need lots if time to adjust to this unexpected change to ur future!

[babyinbelly]

I was horrified when pg with ds1. I was single and in my teens but went ahead with it anyway. Was the best thing I ever did. Now 12w pg with dc2 and have exactly the same fears despite this one being planned. Still think can I cope, am I doing the right thing etc. It is a perfectly normal fear and even if you hate children, which I did, when you become a mother it all changes and you just get on with it and do your best. And most of the time it is actually enjoyable!

Also, I am not married and constantly get lectured from a few people that I know that this is the wrong thing to do and I am irresponsible for planning baby without being married. Tbh I dont care. I know that for us this is the right time and marriage will come if and when we feel like. It is not top of our agenda and not that important to us in terms of our family life.

People should just learn to mind their own buisness. I would never be rude enough to slag of other poeples choices or even to pass comment whether in a nice way or not. Other people should just respect your choices.

[mrsboogie]

All the replies to your post contain excellent advice - the fact that you are worried only goes to show that you understand the importance of what is happening to you and will no doubt be a great mum. Subconsciously you are just weighing up the things in your life that might make the situation less than perfect - it is perfectly natural that you feel this anxiety. If it wasn't the marriage situation you would find somethinG else - we all do it!!

I just want to say please do not give a second's thought to what other people think - it is the 21st century and they will be less shocked than you think. I am pregnant myself, unmarried and with no intention of getting married. I have very very conventional parents myself and when announcing the news to them, and everyone else (work included) I presented it as the excellent news it is and no less fantastic than if I was married.

Don't spend your time worrying about this - it will turn out to be unnecessary - and don't be even a smidgen apologetic when you break the news!

[littleduck]

Dear all

Thank you so much for all your kind words, your posts have really helped a lot and I'm feeling much more cheerful now. It was very helpful just to be able to write down how I was feeling as well. Thank God for Mumsnet!

Hope everyone's well

Littleduck x