I really didn't want to do this but everythings just getting too much and I feel so awful ...

[Disenchanted]

I could never ever do anything drastic and wouldn't want to as this baby is very wanted and very much 'tried for' but I can't help feeling it was a stupid thing to do and part of me wishes I didn't get pregnant

I have even had moments where I have been so down I wished it would go away.

I feel like shit writing that but I can't tell anyone in rel life and i feel horrible for admitting it when so many wanted babies are lost...

OMG what the hell is going through my mind??

I DO want this baby, so much but Im so tired all the time.

I feel like a shit mother and that everyone thinks Im not going to cope

My mum said to me the other day

'you had better pull your socks up now theres going to be 3... its a whole other ball game'

and that scred the shit out of me and made me feel liek a failure before i have even started!

Plus since getting pregnant everything has gone financially wrong and we are seriously up shit creek without a paddle and I dont know what to do.

I know deep down that all that matters is a happy healthy family but everything seems so crap at the moment that im finding it hard to stay positive

[abbymeg]

Hugs Disenchanted. It sounds like you really need to go and speak to your GP. People do get prenatal depression and you can get help, especially if you're doubting yourself.

I think we all have rough days, but if this is ongoing, please go and see your doctor - don't feel that you have to worry about this by yourself.

[Disenchanted]

Thanks Abbey,

what could the doctor do though? I wouldn't take any pills and councelling waiting lists are months long, DH is actully waiting for his to begin.

We sound like a right jolly family, huh?

[pollyblue]

Just wanted to send you cyber (((hugs))) - sorry to hear you are so down and your mum's not been very sympathetic!

Pregnancy is supposed to be one of those times when you're blooming and everything in the garden is rosy, I know that's not always the case, you can feel like complete poo, the timing is often off and it's like the world is conspiring against you. You are NOT a monster or a failure for feeling unhappy.

If you have no-one really close you can talk to, there's always the Samaritans. My BIL was a Sam. for many years, they talk to all sorts of people about all sorts of things. You will find a very sympathetic ear there. Practically, if you have money worries, try the Citizens Advice Bureau, I know from experience they can give good financial advice and help.

All the best

[NorthernLurker]

Disenchanted - it is going to be ok. I know you can't see the way through everything that you've got on right now but you will. Take care of yourself, take care of your baby. Are you eating properly or are you really sick? You will cope and you are NOT a shit mother. I'm sure you are a lovely mum and your children will love having a new sibling.
Do speak to your GP or midwife and let them help you.

[mankymummy]

oh love, how many weeks are you?

first 3 and last 3 months can make you feel dreadful. its a big step no matter how settled you are/wanted the baby is.

is it your first?

3 kids or 3 in your family did your mum mean?

do you have anyone else who can support you? DP/DH?

[abbymeg]

And, maybe you could speak to someone at citizen's advice and see if you can get some free financial advice if you need someone to help you get a perspective on your financial situation and help you work out your options.

I think many of us are getting really worried about money, but I realise some people have a harder time than others. Rather than hoping that everything will sort itself out, it helps to stop you worrying if you can actually see a forecast of what money you will have and how you need to manage it.

Good luck, I hope this helps and that you start to feel more positive soon

[Disenchanted]

Oh no...my mum is fantastic... she helps so much.

I just couldn't tell her how I feel because I feel like i need to be a good mum in everyone elses eys... and not have doubts.

I think my mum just made that comment without thinking it would upset me, I think Im being a bit over sensitive at the moment.

I do want this baby loads, i have my 12 week scan on Tuesday and the thought of that always makes me its just everything beyond that.. the reality of it all.

[lulumama]

why wouldn;t you take tablets? ante natal depression is real. a lot of women have suffered and do suffer it.

being under financial strain does not help. and you have two young boys.

make sure you are claiming everything benefit wise you can and get all teh help you can.

this too shall pass x

[pollyblue]

Oh that's good, I'm glad you get on well with your mum. Sounds a bit like my mum, heart of gold but bit blunt sometimes...

Perhaps you should try and have a heart to heart with her?

[Disenchanted]

I'm worried about money because DH has depression, he had struggled with it for a long while and seemed to be on the up but after i found out i was pregnant he hit a low again and has been signed off work.

He then resigned because he felt he couldn't go back and now I feel like I am going to have to find some work even thoguh I have very bad morning sickness and struggling getting the weekly shopping done.

I just know that if I were YOU sat at home reading this i would be thinking 'why on earth did you have another child'

my babies are 3 and almost 2 and i just love them so much I though a new one would make everything better.

Im such an idiot.

[abbymeg]

I don't think that they put you on pills. If you see your GP they can tell you the posibilities; ask them about the wait for councelling and if it's a long one, see if there's anything else they can do to help. There's often self-help programmes avaliable online that you can work through yourself. You need to make them aware of the problem so that they can help you, and so that they are aware you're having a rough time. They may prioritise you because you are expecting.

[bumperlicious]

Sorry you are feeling so crap disenchanted. You are not shit for feeling like that, I expect those thoughts have flitted through many an expectant mother's mind.

Things will be alright though, you will do brilliantly. You are not a failure

Have you tried your local sure start centre for counselling. I am seeing someone for free from our local centre.

I've just had a looked at your profile and your boys are gorgeous, you are obviously doing a great job (though you do look a little sad in the first picture ). Bless you, you are so young - I don't meant that patronisingly, I mean it must all be a lot to cope with. And that's what you have to remember, you have a lot to cope with, not that you aren't or won't cope well. That was the single most reassuring thing the councellor said to me, when I asked did I have PND, she said I just had a lot going on in my life. There is a difference, and it makes you feel less shit about yourself when you think like that.

[MuchLessTiredNow]

hey hon I have been there! My first was an IVF pg, and as soon as I found out I was delighted for 2 weeks, and then spent the rest of the pg crying myself to sleep and wishing I wasn't, also wishing I was dead and all sorts. SO ungrateful, I thought, esp after all we had been through, but then I found out I had severe reaction to pg hormones which triggered these emotions and got counselling and it helped SO MUCH. Please talk to your GP - this is not uncommon and you can get help. I wish I had earlier in my pg (BTW, when ds was born, not for the first 3 weeks, but after that I have been as close to him as butter is to bread - HTH) Hugs.

[sweetkitty]

Disenchanted - I kind of understand how you are feeling and certainly don't think you are being stupid having another baby far from it.

I'm 35 weeks pregnant with number 3, I have a nearly 4 and 2 1/2 yo, this pregnancy has been so so hard. I have bad SPD and am in constant agony, I have no family help as well and DP works 12 hours a day so it's mostly just me during the week. We are also worrying about money everything seems to be going up apart from wages. We really want this baby but on paper it seems like such a mad thing to do, we live in a 3 bed house, we had to get a new car, I won't be able to work for another few years etc etc

I am constantly shattered, doing thing like going down the park with the DDs by myself is so hard I don't really bother so they are stuck in the garden/house a lot of the time. I feel like a complete shit mum right now.

Things will get better you will get through the feeling like you have been runover first trimester, you will see your LO at your scans and it will all get real, you will feel him/her move, start buying things and choosing names and it won't seem so bad.

[toomanyshoes]

I certainly didn't think 'why on earth did you have another child' when I read your OP. I just thought how stressful for you to feel like this, it must be really hard to have such conflicting feelings about this pregnancy.

You are not an idiot and you sound like a lovely mum, but I agree that you should get yourself to the docs and see what they say.

You will get through it all, just keep focusing on the positives, just imagine the love you'll feel for your new baby (you obviously adore your other DC's and you'll be just as besotted with this one)

Sorry its all so hard at the mo x

[Disenchanted]

nump your post made me cry,

Sometimes I feel really young, not in the sense that Im too young to do well but more that everyone else sees me as a babyfaced mum, i look like a teenager though i am nearly 24.

Im an OAP at heart though, my boys are my eveything (some on here would say thats sad I know) but I do live for them.

I just need some help with organising myself before this one comes I think.

I think I have suffered with depression for a while but felt I couldn't go to the GP once DH had because if we were both on Anti-Ds they would take the kids away or at least treat us like scummy parents who neglect their kids. Nothing could be further from the truth I know they are the one thing in my life I am good at, im just a bit slow and tired lately.

I know that sounds silly but I love them so much and want to try and get through it for them.

Its things like housework that i put behind me and i get down abouyt that.

[bumperlicious]

Ok if it is practical advice that you need maybe you need to start a new thread. MNetters always have great advice on that sort of thing. Think about the black spots of your day, the things you find hardest, and start a thread asking for some practical tips (although some dillusional people will just tell you to get a cleaner - as if! They should offer them on the NHS as an alternative to ADs ).

[Jackaroo]

Disenchanted - I feel for you so much. One thing you can be sure of, they will not take your children away for being on anti-dep's... please don't convince yourself that that is a reason to avoid your gp. If anything, they will know what else you're having to deal with (ie less support as your DH is going through the mill too)...
My parents had a v. v. similar situation to yours I realise, and it was fine, in the end. It just feels like a bloody long way off I know.

Practically speaking the absolutely first thing I would do is go to your gp, and lay it out as you did for us. e.g., "you know DH is depressed, did you know he's now not working, so the money thing is terrifying, and much as a love this baby, I feel awful about everything, and constantly anxious/depressed/whatever it is that sums up your feelings best..." he/she can do something with that. Depending on where you are some primary care services have counselling set aside for pg. mums etc., and he may well recommend you take something.
Please don't worry, this is such a common thing for them, they mostly have a very sensible approach and know what you can take that won't be bad for the baby ..in fact I'm sure the reason my toddler is such a happy child is because I took them during pg. (only half joking :-)

They may not think you need a prescription, but talking to someone objective will certainly help.

Talking to your gp is a responsible thign to do, for you, for your children, and your DH. i know it's a cliche, but a happy mother is a happier family... oh, and if you were a bad mother, youwouldn't be worrying about how anyone else in your family waas feeling!

Good luck.

J

[expatinscotland]

Well, I take pills.

Feeling like this just robs me and my family of happiness we deserve.

Also, as my consultant pointed out, untreated antenatal depression puts the baby at risk for low birth rate.

[expatinscotland]

weight.

[expatinscotland]

weight.

[solo]

I'm sure that if they took away children from parents simply because they were both dealing with depression by taking meds, then foster parents and suchlike would be bursting at the seams. Please talk to someone that can reassure you in RL about that, but IME, addressing your emotional problems shows how responsible you are being.
When I was pg with my son, I was desperately depressed and was put on AD's. They were my saving grace and got me through to the other side and a happy and healthy baby. I continued on them for a long while after Ds's birth and breast fed him too...everything looked so much better once I'd gotten some help.

[Dotsie]

hi disenchanted. my dh had depression too, and i know how dreadfully hard it is to deal with. it does get better tho. we knew what the main cause of my dh's depression was, and once we'd moved house, he got loads better, but it did take time. he was recovering from a v badly broken leg following a bad fall too.
never mind the housework!!!! set yourself little goals - maybe vac-ing one room or something, but honestly hun, the world ain't going to end if your house isn't spotless! (i speak from experience - my house is a lot less than perfect!!!!!) it'll wait til you have a bit more energy. Or maybe your mum could give you a hand if she's close enough? even if it's just having your dcs while you rest for a bit? i've not long had dc3, and i felt knackered for much of the time while pg.
re money - sure start maternity grant might help a little? i agree with others that cab have great advice too.
best of luck with everything, and chin up!! things will get better!
oh, and congratulations! on yr pg!
(and you are so not an idiot!!!)
keep

[BorgLady]

You are so not an idiot! Depression is AWFUL, a black hole that sucks everything good out of your life. Its difficult to convey how utterly debilitating it is, but I've been there and I know how you feel.

It makes everything seem insumountable, especially housework, which is a thankless and never-ending task to begin with!

I would agree with the consensus on here and advise you to go see your GP and just talk about it. Counselling wait lists can be long, but if you need it NOW, then they can often bump you up the list.

I know you said you didn't want pills, but if there are some suggested that are safe in pg, why not give them a try? They are a temporary measure, and you really won't be on them forever. Nor should they zombie you out!

Last year I had a nasty depressive bout and after years of resisting medication gave Citalopram a try. In the space of two weeks, it really did change everything.

The things I had thought were causing my depression I could suddenly deal with. I could face everything and cope with it all, just like "regular" people!

The feeling of sheer and utter relief is difficult to describe.

I was on them for only six months and when I came off them, my depression did not come back. Not to say that it won't in the future, but if it was that bad again, I would take pills.

I don't know if that will help you, but I wanted to tell you my experiences.

Please let us know how things go, I for one will be thinking about you xxx

[2beautifulgirls]

Disenchanted, please go to the GP. In my first pregnancy i felt exctly like you, i had antenatal depression. I would think about throwing myself down the stairs, i even went to the doctor at 20 weeks and said i want an abortion, and then they saw i needed help.
I was offered tablets and conselling but never got that far, instead i had a specialist midwife visiting me, every week or fortnight and that was enough for me to beable to talk to someone who understood and support me when i needed it.
You are not alone and there is planty of people who will help you.
Take care, thinking of you.