Friends who are ttc, mc or unable to have children

[whinegums]

I was wondering how you handle friends who are ttc, have mc or are unable to have children?

Since going public with my pregnancy, I've found out that one of my friends has been ttc for two years. Our 'group' met up last week, but she cried off, and I suspect it's because I'm now obviously pregnant - first one in this particular group. I'm not insensitive to other people's problems, and I do understand how difficult it can be to get pregnant, but I'm at a bit of a loss as to how to deal with it. I don't want my friend not to come out! And how to deal with so-called well meaning friends who whisper that "such and such has been ttc, so watch what you say." As if you're going to go up to them and say 'Ha ha, I'm knocked up, look how fertile I am and you're not!"

I know it must be galling for someone who is desperate to have a baby when someone they know gets (accidentally in my case) pregnant, but I'm over the moon about it all, and don't want to pretend it's not happening! I don't make a huge issue out of my pregnancy - my other friends do though, which is lovely! - I don't bore non-pg or non-mum friends with endless baby chatter, nor do I wave around blobby scan pictures that mean nothing to anyone else.

Just wondered what other's experiences, good or bad, have been.

[shreddies]

Difficult, I have had this with a friend I made sure I told her before she heard it from anyone else and I never spoke about my pregnancy with her unless she brought it up. Luckily by the time I was very big she was pregnant.

[mylovelymonster]

This is tricky - have been in mc/ttc camp myself while others fertility has burgeoned, and I must say it is really affecting. It's so hard when you want to have a child and seemingly can't and your mindset gets a bit too focussed after a while.
What I would suggest is taking your friend aside on her own and having a chat about it if you feel comfortable - if she feels that you feel for her in her predicament (and it is a sad place) then I'm sure she will start to feel a lot more comfortable in the group. Encourage her to talk to you about her problems and about babies - after all it's a fine line between ttc for ages and then finding you're pregnant! and you suddenly have to think about babies. So, try to include her as much as you can, let her know you care about what she's going through, and hopefully she'll come round. She probably just feels so out of it, has nothing to contribute, and is a constant reminder of her apparent failure - which is how you feel after so long ttc.
I didn't feel part of my friends pregnancies while we were having lots of trouble - I remember one conversation over lunch when a friend was talking about a friend of hers and how she had timed her three conceptions so the timing would fit in with school holidays...and I just wanted to be sick. It was the very last thing I wanted/needed to hear.
Sorry - think I'm just waffling now

[meemar]

One of my closest friends and I were pg together 5 years ago. She miscarried at 13 weeks, and I went on to have DS1 who is now 4.6 and DS2 who is 2.5. She has been ttc ever since.

At first we were able to talk, but as more and more of our friends had babies I think it has been very hard for her. She opened up a bit when I told her I was pg the second time, but since then she doesn't really talk about it or bring it up. She and her husband are very private. Some time ago she mentioned fertility treatment but I don't know if they've had it or not.

We don't live nearby so circumstances have made it easy not to bombard her with baby talk. She is interested in my children, but I can see it's very hard for her to spend a lot of time around people with children.

One of my greatest wishes is that she could have a baby

[mylovelymonster]

Ahh - meemar - I know. It must be so hard to see someone you're fond of go through it. I'm sure she's thrilled for you. Maybe you two should get together over some wine, get tiddly and let her have a good old rant and a cry.
I'm absolutely convinced that stress and anxiety have a huge role to play in not conceiving - unless obvious medical issues, of course.
It's weird - your personality changes so much when you're stuck in the ttc hole - depression it definitely is imo.

[lollipopmother]

I just wouldn't push the issue, your friend will talk to you when she feels she wants to, there's no point trying to talk to her on your terms because at the end of the day she's the one that feels bad, and a quick chat about it isn't going to make any difference, it's not rational what she's feeling and she'll know that. And she probably feels shit for feeling it too to be honest. Basically let her get on with her feelings, she's just trying to get through what she's finding a very hard situation to deal with.

[whinegums]

Mylovelymonster - thank you for replying, and whilst I don't know what it must be like, I really feel for you, and hope you succeed soon. Meemar - yes, I know what you mean that you wish your friend could have a baby. My friend is also a very private person, and I'm not even supposed to know that's she's been ttc - another of our friends told me. So I don't feel that I can raise the issue with her unless she raises it first, iyswim.

[minster]

This is from a long term, mostly unsuccessful, ttc-er -- take it or leave it advice You sound like a great friend btw.

I'd say don't make a point of treating differently, I'd be absolutely humiliated if a pregnant friend wanted to chat to me about my problems & issues with babies. Try not to pity her.

Accept that there may be times she finds it difficult, but it isn't personal. I'm sure she wishes you and your baby nothing but good but she wishes she was in the club too.

Don't exclude her from the pregnancy news, but please don't ever say 'we weren't even trying' or 'my dh only has to look at me and I'm pregnant' etc etc (at least not to her) and don't pick her as the person to offload your pregnancy woes onto. Pregnancy can suck a lot but don't complain about it to her - she'd love to be the one puking.

Mylovelymonster I know what you mean ... the perfect timing of pregnancies ... yuck.

[whinegums]

Thanks for the other posts too. Minster - yes, I think she'd feel rotten if I did that. I don't pity her - I'm desperately sad for a dear friend now that I've found out. She'd be such a fab mum. Shamefacedly admit that I did do the 'whoops you'll never guess what happened' when I let all my friends know, but I really didn't know the situation at that point.

I do wish you and the other ladies all the best with ttc - sending lots of good vibes your way xxx

[OneHandedTypist]

oh, i'm wrestling with all this.
I know someone who terminated a pregnancy last year due to deformities. I tried to be very supportive, I probably would have done the same.

But 2 weeks ago I gave birth to a healthy baby. Yesterday the other mum offered me some baby stuff as her husband has had a vasectomy so unlikely she'll need it.

But I can tell she's deeply grieving, still, and seeing me with a new baby must remind her of the loss. We live near each other in a small town, our sons are mates, she can't avoid me. I feel really crud that I'm just adding to her pain. On the other hand, I feel a bit put out that she hasn't said 'Congrats' on the baby, either -- maybe because I like her enough that I would like hearing it from her of all people. Can't win.

[mylovelymonster]

Hi - we did succeed already - have a 13&half month old monster. Took a while after mc/surgery/investigations/trying etc etc, but haven't gone through what a lot of people do. We were in an absolute hole for a few years tho.
I wasn't suggesting bringing the subject up with her directly, just having some you & her time when you can chat about stuff and she may wish to share, that's all. I never wanted people to pity me at all - just would have been comforting to know that people cared - I'm sure they did but no-one ever said anything - even my closest friends. It all went so quiet after my mc and complications.... like the whole subject was sooo tabboo, and I really would have liked to have talked about it because I was feeling more and more cut off.

Yes - thoughtless bragging about virility/fertility ease is just the worst.

Minster - every warmest wish for you and future success x

[GryffinGirl]

I'm coming at this from the other side. As someone who has been TTC for a long time (we have known medical problems) please don't say to your friend (if you were thinking it like mylovelymonster ) "ooooh, just relax and I'm sure it will happen" or "have you tried [insert chinese herb of choice here]?".

If they have been TTC for many months, believe me, they'll know every tip Google has to offer. I doubt stress has much to do with it by then and there may be an underlying (and therefore very personal/difficult to discuss) medical problem. Just be as nice as you can and please do talk about your children

[newbishad]

Winegums,

I am delighted to hear about your pregnancy. You are very lucky as am I.

I was in the same position as your friend for 4 1/2 years. It a very difficult one. Since she has been trying to conceive for 2 years that technically puts her in the infertility category.
I found it nearly impossible to be around pregnant women (either those I knew or didn't). Since I have 2 blocked tubes the only way I can conceive is through IVF. Happily my journey with infertility has ended and I am now 27 weeks pregnant with my first child (after IVF), but I really did suffer for years.
I think the best was you can help is by being sensitive to her needs. Like any medical condition, people with infertility react in different ways. If I was your friend I would have been outwardly positive and then gone home and cried at the unfairness of it all. I wouldn't have been unhappy for you but desperately sad for me. Since I have become pregnant I have met other women with infertility who have really delighted in talking to me as a pregnant woman and their courage has shown me there are different ways of dealing with this dreadful conditon. If you can be sensitive to her coping mechanisms you have done a lot.
You might not be the best person to suggest it, but I got support from infertility support groups. It was great to go somewhere and speak to people who knew what forced childlessness was like. Infertility (even without m/c or ectopic pregnancy) is a bereavement and you would be a good friend if you could respect that. There is also very little treatmentment out there to help her unfortunately. IVF is expensive and not everyone can pay. You have to wait years to get it on the NHS, in Ireland there is no free treatment at all. Also, there can be huge implications in going for tests in maternity / gyne departments where you have to walk past the queue of round bellies. Finally it would probably help your friend if you could apreciate that infertility itself causes stress rather than the other way around. Plenty of people told me that once I relaxed I would conceive. True to a point, I did, but they were ectopic pregnancies because of blocked tubes.
I wish you all the best with your pregnancy and hope your friend's infertility joruney ends soon!
Best of luck
NS XXXXX

[GryffinGirl]

sorry MLM - I hadn;t realised your situation - xpsosts

[whinegums]

Ah, mylovelymonster, sorry, misunderstood, how lovely indeed! I think I will wait until the next time I see my friend and gauge the situation then. I have another friend who mc a while ago, and she has been absolutely delighted for me, we haven't had any issues at all, possibly because she has been very open about her problems I think. Everyone being different and all.

Onehandedtypist - congratulations on your baby. I think 'can't win' sums it up.

[mylovelymonster]

I'm really sorry if I came across at all flippant - I really didn't mean to, and I wouldn't dream of suggesting hints and tips for conception - just making an observation ime of myself and a number of friends who have had (I now find) similar issues to me - and we did find stress a viscious circle, as well as other problems that were sortable.
I hope I haven't offended anyone....

[Kindersurpise]

I have a very good friend who married a few years before us. Nothing was ever mentioned about TTC but we all assumed that they were hoping for a baby.

When I discovered I was pregnant, she was really happy for me but I was by that time aware that it had not happened to them (she had not said anything though)

Some time after I had DD I sent her an email saying that I hoped she didn't mind me asking, but it was worrying me and I wanted to be sure that I was not hurting her feelings by speaking about my DD with her.

She replied that they had been TTC for several years and in treatment for a year or so. She was glad that I asked, she was unsure how to bring the topic up.

I fell pregnant with DS 2 years later and again she was fine, even though it must have been difficult. She said that she was annoyed at a friend for not talking about her children with her.

We were all absolutely delighted that she eventually concieved, she is expecting twins in May.

That was a long and rambling post, what I mean to say is, be open and honest with her. Let her set the parameters, if she wants to be involved/know about your pregnancy that is fine. But do not be upset if she does not want to hear.

I know what it is like from the other side, btw, I had 2 m/c before having DD.

[Hulababy]

Your friend will get over her initial shock and come round. Just give her a bit of time to deal with it.

Re. her cancelling - you don't know for definite it was just because of you being there pregnant, there could be other reasons. r it could just have been a particulalrly sensitive time for her, such as the start of her period, making it more difficult for her to see you. But whatever the reason, her upset about it will pass.

I know, I have been there. I am still TTC (but for #2; #1 took a while too) and have dealt with these issues.

It doesn't mean she feels bad about it for you, or isn't happy for you. I am always happy for other people. I don't feel jealous as such as it is my baby I want, not theirs. But it just makes the infertility issues more real for a period of time. It oasses though.

And please do not make any "helpful" comments or advice re fertility. That will make things worse for definite. especailly as half of the things people say (i.e. just relax and it will happen, etc. ) aren't especially true anyway, especially after a few years of TTC! I am sure you wouldn't, but you'd be suprised at how many people do!

My advice is to give her time, with no pressre, and I am sure she will come round.

[Hulababy]

Your friend will get over her initial shock and come round. Just give her a bit of time to deal with it.

Re. her cancelling - you don't know for definite it was just because of you being there pregnant, there could be other reasons. r it could just have been a particulalrly sensitive time for her, such as the start of her period, making it more difficult for her to see you. But whatever the reason, her upset about it will pass.

I know, I have been there. I am still TTC (but for #2; #1 took a while too) and have dealt with these issues.

It doesn't mean she feels bad about it for you, or isn't happy for you. I am always happy for other people. I don't feel jealous as such as it is my baby I want, not theirs. But it just makes the infertility issues more real for a period of time. It oasses though.

And please do not make any "helpful" comments or advice re fertility. That will make things worse for definite. especailly as half of the things people say (i.e. just relax and it will happen, etc. ) aren't especially true anyway, especially after a few years of TTC! I am sure you wouldn't, but you'd be suprised at how many people do!

My advice is to give her time, with no pressre, and I am sure she will come round.

[wheelybug]

As others have said - give her time, maybe it was a bad time for her (AF just arrived... again.. or something). I had a m/c a couple of years ago (having conceived dd and the m/c v. easily) and have been ttc ever since to no avail. IN that time almost all our friends have got pg, had babies etc. Some days, you can take an announcement, other days it hits really hard. As Hula says - she's probably happy for you but it just reminds her what she doesn't have and what she wants so much.

Don't exclude her but don't rub her nose in it (which sounds like she won't). Most of my friends are great - ocassionally make discreet enquiries as to how its going etc. Ocassionly they'll drop a huge clanger about how nice it is to have 2 or something but everyone's human I suppose.

The main thing is, you're obviously concerned about it so show's your a good friend so you'll probably do the right thing !

[charitygirl]

Please don't take it personally if she doesn't congratulate you or want to hear about it at all. She probably feels pretty bad about the fact that she can't bring herself to do the normal reactions - it's horrible to feel jealous.

Pregnant women are the lucky ones - I don't think we have any right to expect anything from friends who are ttc without luck.

And I agree with hulababy - no comments about 'It'll happen for you' or the dreaded 'just relax'!

But it sounds like you're doing the right things anyway. I have to tell a vg friend in a similar situation soon, and I'm not looking forward to it.

[PurlyQueen]

After trying (god I hate that word) for over two years and enduring some pretty nasty tests I'm now nearly 36 weeks, so I've been on both sides of the fence.
Even now, when someone says to me 'It happened because you relaxed' makes me mad. If it were that easy I'd have been pregnant years ago.

The last thing I wanted was sympathy or pity about my predicament.

Your friend won't begrudge your happiness or your pregnancy, but it is hard to be around friends who are popping out baby number 1,2,3 or even 4 when you can't even manage one.

The news is out in the open and the ball is in her court now, so let her deal with your news in her own way.