scared of post natal depression

[waiting4bambino]

Hi all, I just wondered if anyone else felt the same as me - please say that someone does!! I am 32 weeks, first baby, and I just am so scared that when i give birth, i wont feel the instant rush of love that people talk about, and that this will lead to pnd... I havent had that good a pg, hence not posting on here since morning sickness stage! And i feel so guilty about having these feelings.
I have no experience of babies and im just thinking maybe i can't handle it and it wont come naturally to me and that tbe baby will know and will hate me! I am so paranoid. I am known to be a bit of a perfectionist, and want to do everything to the best that i can, but i feel overwhelmed by this massive responsibility that is coming at me! I feel so bad, as this was a planned pg, and everyone else is over the moon about it, please help....

[hedgepig]

Hiya, I don't think your feelings are uncommon it's pretty scary becoming a mom. I did have pnd after my son was born and looking back at it I was in a right old state but I didn't think so at the time. My advice would be to just to take things in bite sized chunks and even if you don't have a massive rush of bonding it will come, and it doesn't necessary mean that you will have pnd if you are a bit slower to bond. Don't worry what everyone else may or may not be doing it's about you and your family. Good luck I'm sure it will be fine

[colditz]

The baby cannot hate you. The baby is born needing and loving you. But a warning - the baby won't show you any love - they don't, you know.

You must suppress that perfectionism, because it is not physically possible to be perfect when you have a baby.

All you need to do with the baby is feed it, keep it reasonably clean, and cuddle it. That's it. Anything else is for older babies. Newborns just need food and cuddles, and their bottom changing.

I didn't believe the with my first, and tied myself in knots of guilt, thinking I should be doing more, more, more, but in hindsight, I should have sat back and enjoyed him more.

Talk to your midwife about the way you are feeling.

PND is not nice, not at all, I had it after ds1, but he didn't hate me, far from it, and I took my medication, and I got over it. It was horrible while it lasted, but it's gone now.

To get some experience, could you hang around at a post natal group and see what they do with theirs?

[colditz]

PS I didn't bond straight away with ds2, but I didn't get depressed (although I was while pregnant, and had an awfully stressful pregnancy) and he is fine too.

[hedgepig]

Bambino, Coldiz is right please talk to your mw about how you are feeling don't bottle it up.

[colditz]

PS Remember when you have your baby - some days you will screw up so many times you will feel like having the baby adopted for it's own good. Remember, there is always tomorrow, tomorrow is another day. You will torture yourself with the mistakes you make - but the baby will have forgotten (or not even noticed) within a few minutes.

[ScottishMummy]

waiting4bambino congratulations on your pg hope birth goes well and you are ok when bambino arrives

thing is....i think you are experiencing natural anxiety/excitement/what-if's - don't worry we all did too, still do!

it is wonderful, happy, mad, chaotic, fun and bloody hard work. NO ONE can be a perfectionist with baby what you can be is yourself this is a go with the flow time - honestly!

your house will look like a tip
you will be amazed at the amount of laundry a wee baby generates
you will have days you don't get dressed or comb your hair

Again perfectly natural!

thing is babies are wired preconditioned to love,love,love YOU the mummy. they don't know nor care about perfectionism and for this wonderful time neither should you

Advice
Get groceries delivered Tesco and Ocado will carry to kitchen if u sore/tired/busy

get pizza take away menus use them

sleep when u can, during day when baby asleep too

don't worry

do talk about how you feel
don't bottle it up
get out daily walks with baby
keep up to date with newspapers - get them delivered

[VeniVidiVickiQV]

Oh agree with what Scottishmummy and colditz said.

and even if the worst does happen and you get PND - it is very fixable - I know - I've been there

[MumtoCharlotteMay]

Ok firstly, congrats on the pregnancy

Secondly, your worries are perfectly justifeid. It's bloody scary becoming a mum. I have a 7mo dd and I've only just seeked attention for the troubles I was having, turns out it's PND! I always wanted to be a mum at some point in my life, and thought it'd be the best thing in the world. And whilst it may be for some, it isn't always the same for others.

I had never held, changed or fed a baby in my life until dd came along! Honestly, you stop thinking about the 'how the f**c do I change a nappy?' and the 'what was it the book said again?' when they're here, you just get on with it.

I felt I loved my dd throughout my pregnancy so I didn't feel that 'rush' of love when she was born, because I had always loved her. Does that make sense? I love my dd dearly, but admit to struggeling. I have problems with myself, not with her. PND affects all women differently. A lot of women don't get the rush of love, some do. Don't fret about it though.

I think the only advice I could give you is just take it a day at a time. Try (and I know it's hard!) and not panic, because a lot of the time, you're worrying so much that 9 months fly by and BAM, you've got a baby! Have a day off each week and totally relax, be completely selfish and eat as much as you want lol!

If you are worried I would say speak to your midwife, they're usually so good and helpful. But please try to stop worrying about months down the line. Enjoy the now with your bump, because you'll never be pregnant with your first child again. Just try to enjoy it

Motherhood isn't all sunshine and buttercups like the glowing women demonstrate in the pg books, seriously I'd burn them all if I could - useless! It's tough, but it can be ruddy good fun too

[choosyfloosy]

You won't be able to handle it. Nobody can, not a single parent ever in the history of the world is able to 'handle' becoming a parent. It is very odd, as a normal reasonably competent adult, to feel totally incompetent at every activity you attempt, all day long. Not nice. My brain actually ached due to the number of things I had to think about, for weeks. But there's no choice, we get up the next day (and the next night) and fail all over again. Eventually we find out that the child is not perfect either, and is not judging us, it just wants to be with us, WHATEVER we are like. Newborns are especially comforting because to them, a nappy change that took 2 hours was a howling SUCCESS as it gave them 2 hours of our time.

Oh, and every time you get competent at something, you have to learn something new. Please let go of having to be good at it straight away. Your child will do best if you learn along with it, both of you together. Very best wishes to all of you.

[MumtoCharlotteMay]

Oh jees yeah the washing is the worst bit! How can something that small generate the ammount it does? Baffles me every time I do the laundry!

[SugarSpiceandAllThingsNice]

I was TERRIFIED of this when I first found out I was pg (planned). I had bad PND with ds and told my MW at booking appointment that I was really scared of it happening again. Even more so because I'm a childminder now and plan to only take 10/12 weeks off. Anyway, long story but had bad personal stuff going on last time so mw is pretty sure this contributed so the key is to stay as positive as possible through this pregnancy.

I TOTALLY agree with what all the others have said and no one is perfect, you'll be fine And I'd wanted children since I was 13 yrs old, had ds at 26 and was shocked to not feel how I thought I should feel. I adore him now though and he loves me and doesn't know I had those feelings when he was a baby.

Don't worry and all the best with everything xx

[waiting4bambino]

Wow, thank you all for all your messages. It's good to know that other people have felt equally useless! I guess I'm just scared of the unknown and something that i once saw through rose tinted glasses is now becoming a harsh reality!
Yes, I'm scared of people thinking i'm a bad mother if the baby is crying or grouchy etc, i'm also scared that the baby will stop breathing in the night or that people will judge me if my house is a mess etc. I'm even scared that the labour being bad will make me resent the baby and that i will just go through the motions in caring for it. Obviously, i should just calm down and wait and see! I might be amazing!
I don't want to talk to my mw about it though as she is quite an oldfashioned brisk sort, and since i've only just met her as my other midwife got a new job, i'm not really that close to her etc. I just want to get on with it really. Thanks to you all for all your advice, even though some of it sounds like you really had bad times!

[piggyp]

I'm 31 weeks with first LO and woke up in a complete state this morning - no idea how to look after a baby etc and I'm the first of my friends to have one. I'm a natural worrier, so also nervous about pnd, I hope that being aware of the possiblity (+ DH being aware too) means that if it does happen I'll be able to get help early.
So I can't really offer you any advice but can only say you're not the only one!
Why not join the 'due in March / Feb' ante natal thread?

[waiting4bambino]

Thanks Piggyp, I read the due March thread now and again, just to catch up on the news of people i used to see on the ttc threads. But sometimes i find that people can seem so organised and positive about the whole thing that it can be quite depressing and feel like you're the only one struggling to get through this! So i tend to have a little search through the topics and pick out the threads that interest me or things that i want to know more about and take it from there etc...
I even resorted to asking my sisters' Magic 8 ball if my labour was going to be easy!! It said "absolutely not!" Arrgghhh! I will have to put my fears aside, its going to happen no matter what and my dh will be there with me, and i know i will somehow get through it. I think i was just having a real down day yesterday, which prompted me to post on here etc... I do feel better now though, i realise that everyone will make mistakes whether they have 1 or 3 children, and that my pride will have to go out the window when it comes to looking immaculate complete with matching house! I'm off to put my feet up now. Leave the dusting till tomorrow! Thanks again xx

[PutThatInYourPipeandSmokeIt]

I felt nothing during my pregnancy with DD at all - it was all very surreal and I couldn't really believe that we were going to have a baby. I worked right up to the end and was generally in denial I think. I was worried about the birth and above all worried that I wouldn't cope with the lack of sleep as I'm a 9 hours a night girl or I start to feel very fluey.

Anyway - DD arrived and the only feeling I had was a slight feeling of intrigue. Nonetheless, I knew I had to look after her, so look after her I did. The HV asked how I felt about her and I said that it was a very functional relationship at the moment. As time went on and the weeks went by, she 'crept up on me' and now we're golden. One thing I would say is that if you do feel blue, tell everyone you can lay your hands on and you may also find that homeopathy might help. It helped me during the first trimester - just to help my mood level out.

I would not worry about it as it is utterly impossible to comprehend how you are going to feel about a person you haven't met yet. See when you get there.

[mammabelleboo]

Everyone has written such great advice here - I could so identify with all of it!!!

My dd is 2.2 and I had a pretty awful time of it for about the first 6 months. She was a fractious baby and cried a lot of the time, was difficult to put down, breastfed for hours (the longest was a 7hr stint) - I now know she was just comfort sucking, but didn't appreciate it at the time. I felt useless, trapped and wanted my life back.

Then it became easier and I realised that, as everyone was telling me, it does get better!!! The best piece of advice I can give you is chill out, go with the flow, accept the responsibility and try to enjoy it.

Also, most importantly, trust your instincts, despite what the 'experts' say.........no way would I struggle to breastfeed as i did - I spent hours with her clamped to throbbing, sore boobs and it made me thoroughly miserable. My HV told me that storing pre made up formula could pose a health risk to my baby so I felt this was my only choice.....despite all my friends saying that was tosh and me kind of believing it, I thought I ought to go with the 'expert' advice instead of trusting my own instincts. I'm convinced this led to me having PND and not bonding too well with dd in the beginning as I began to see her as an extra limb as I could never put her down or be without her as she constantly wanted to feed. I'm now expecting dc no.2 and am frightened of pnd cominng back - but if it does, I will go for help this time. Didn't first time as it's only now looking back, I realise that's what I had. & i certainly shan't be prolonging the breastfeeding if all isn't going to plan this time, that's for sure!!!

Don't think motherhood is going to be all roses - be a realist, it is hard, there will be obstacles along the way, don't beat yourself up about what you think are 'mistakes' as it won't be perfect like you want it to be - but it will be so rewarding. There's not a day goes by that I don't appreciate what I've got, although some days i might wish I was on my own on a desert island with a good book and a quality glass of red!

Believe in yourself - you will be a good mum because you are worried you won't be - it shows you want to get it right, but be a bit forgiving of yourself if it dosn't quite go to plan. x.

[fairylights]

hello, haven't had time to read all posts, but just wanted to say that i also had an awful pg, and felt all the same things as you - was terrified of not loving the baby and also because my mum had awful pnd that lasted for years after my sister was born i was scared of that. As it turned out for me, i could not believe how much i was love with my ds when he was born and although there have been tough days and weeks, being a mum has been amazing so far (my ds is 14 mo now).
But listen, you say you are a perfectionist - please please please let yourself off the hook when you become a mummy, there will be lots of days when things go pear shaped and you have no idea what you are doing, but as may others have said - trust your instincts and don't get stressed reading too many books telling you how to look after your baby! I did this and wish now i had just spent time getting to know the little guy.
All the best to you - let us know how you get on!

[ConnorTraceptive]

Hi Waiting4bambino, I used to be on the march thread too and am also 32 weeks. I stopped posting on it when the terrible morning sickness kicked in and I haven't been back either. Even though the sickness has gone I just haven't been able to muster up much enthusiasm in this pregnancy and at times have felt quite depressed.

I'm worried too that I may continue to feel this way once the baby is born. I had an awful pregnancy with ds but didn't get depressed and the rush of love came about 12 hours after he was born (needed blood tranfusion and toast first )

I have only just started to think about getting things ready for this one and haven't even discussed names yet.

Anyway we are both due around the same time so keep checking in on this thread and let us know how you are going.

Glad I'm not the only one due in march that's roaming the board solo

[LoveAngel]

Hi there. I haven't read all the other replies, sorry, but:

Firstly - it is completely normal to have feelings of fear, worry, even dread when you are pregnant. It is a hugely overwhelming physical and emotional change - which is preparing you for an even bigger change to your life! - and to have mixed feelings and especially to be anxious about it is just so normal and understandable. So stop feeling bad about 'feeling bad'!

Secondly - you may not feel that 'rush of love' that some people describe. Many mothers do not feel this at all. My own feelings were really mixed - the moment I saw my son's face I felt a really strange feeling of recognition, like de ja vu. Not long after that, a primitive, instinctive urge to protect him kicked in. I knew instantly I would die rather than anything bad happen to him. But it certainly wasn't that warm, glowy, sugary feeling of luuuurve some new mums describe . Whatever you feel is fine. You are a human being with emotions, not an actress in a Hollywood film. When your baby is born you will feel however you feel - no amount of preparation or telling yourself what you should feel or how things should be will change that, so go easy on yourself.

Lastly - the days, weeks and months after having your first child are full of ups and downs. Take it one day at a time. Don't set your expectations too high. Don't try to put a front on it if you do find yourself feeling low. And as nonsensical as this may sound - try not to worry about worrying!?! You are allowed to feel apprehensive, fearful, unsure etc - this is all new.

Seriously, I am not just saying that to be nice. Birth and becoming a mother is a massively overwhelming thing. How you deal with it and adjust to it is so personal to you and your particular circumstances. S

[JoC77]

You are more than entitled to feel scared poopless over this whole thing - I know I did. Everyone assumed I loved being pregnant, & even my husband would constantly say 'bet you love all this attention'; but it was to total opposite for me - I hated all the fussing & the questions. Always the same, annoying questions too - when's it due, do you know what you're having, & nearer the end 'feeling any twinges?' I just wanted to tell everyone to F-off to be frank. I have had lots of baby experince, & always wanted a baby, I'd always get broody etc. But I didn't enjoy pregnancy much either, especially the 2nd time. Just being tired all the time, uncomfortable & fat, etc. Someone once said to me, a baby is like a parasite; in the sense that they're living off you, taking all your energy etc. & not being negative, it's true. You must be selfish, & do whatever you need to do. Do things at your own pace, sleep during the day, to hell with housework etc. I don't know if you have a birth plan or not, but a brilliant midwife said to me, that the women who seem to have the best labours are those with no real birth plan. You must just take it as it comes, & if things don't work out the way you wanted, just adapt to things. If ever fear would come over me about a worse case scenerio, I'd remind myself that it's only one day out of my life, & that I am stronger than I realise. You WILL be fine. I have found that the most 'natrual' looking mums, with the most chilled & laid back approach to being a mum, are those who prior to motherhood, wouldn't have even known how to hold a baby properly. Because they don't have preconceptions of what to expect, they simply take it as it comes. I found I put myself under unecessary pressure, because I expected too much of myself & what I should be doing. Especially the 2nd time round. With the first, one you just have one to deal with, get them used to sitting in their rocker chair while you bath/shower, dry your hair, go to the loo, doing the washing up etc; so they'll be happy being left to their own devices asap. That way, you'll be able to sort yourself out, then them, & without much hassle, you'll find they fit into your life, rather than you trying to fit around them. Don't let yourself be shut away, as you can get stuck in a rutt & feel you're going mad. You just take YOUR time, & do what feel right for you. Your baby will be baby just to be near you, & you'll enjoy them all the more if you take things at your own pace. Good luck, & don't be afraid to ask people to do things for you, don't look at it as asking for help, it's just deligating! All the best. xxx

[katyjo]

Hi waitingfor bambino, What you are thinking/feling is totally normal, I felt exactly the same way. You don't know what to expect when you are pregnant and everyone keeps telling you how wonderful/terrible its going to be! Please don't worry, I was so worried about labour/life after the birth but it just all happens naturally.

I had a great labour with lovely midwives, beautiful baby and I wouldn't say I felt a rush of love, but certainly I loved him from the moment I saw him but the love grows over the weeks, and it isn't all a barrel of laughs but it is a very special time and you be greatful you experienced it all good and bad.

I now have a 21 month old and I'm expecting my second child and it is so nice to know what to expect without having to pay attention to horror stories.

Totally agree with what the others said, as a mum you put alot of pressure on yourself to be perfect, the best thing you can do for yourself and your new baby is try to relax. Babies don't actually need much, make sure you've got plenty of nice pjs and try not to worry about what people think, you are going to be the best mum in the world and the reason that I know is because you are already worrying about trying be a great mum, so many babies aren't as privelidged as your little one, there are some people out they who don't give a damn, I try to remember this whenever I give myself a hard time!
Sorry to go on so much
xxx

[jacobandlysetteandabump]

waitingforbambino - what you're feeling is completely normal. agree completely with what everyone else has said. it's all great advice.

don't try and be perfect, even if other people put this pressure on you without realising it.

take each hour / morning / day as it comes. as other people have said you might not get dressed some days.

and ask for help if you feel you need it. no one expects you to do it all without help (except you probably will if you are like most other normal new mums!), and everyone does really want to help. no one will think you can't cope or can't do it.

and congratulations on the pg and looking forward to hearing the birth announcement!

[Izzybel]

Hi Waiting4bambino! Congratulations on your pregnancy .
As everyone has said, what you are feeling is totally normal (whatever normal means). At the very end of my pregnancy there were loads of programmes that had bits about PND in, and I kept thinking "oh my god, what if that happens to me." In the end it didn't, I was absolutely fine but for what it's worth, I didn't have a rush of feelings of love towards my DD. I felt relieved that she was here and she was ok but I can't really say that I had that thing that everyone describes after the birth. Those feelings took a while to kick in, which I found scary and didn't tell anyone. What I'm trying to say is, there may be times when, after having your baby you may feel down and have feelings like mine but it doesn't neccessarily mean PND. Having a baby is a scary time, whether planned or not, and there were lots of moments when I thought, "everything's different" and felt bad about it. My DD is 7 months old now, and I am more in love with her than I could ever be! She is my life. Try not to listen to the horror stories, thinking that you'll be the same. Just take each day as it comes. You'll be fine

[insywinsyspider]

I have ds1 now 19 months and ds2 3 wks - I had PND with ds1 which eventually got realised when he was 6 months and I cried at clinic and asked when baby blues got better - no one had ever told me its only meant to last about a week
ds1 is an absolute star and I adore him, with ds2 so far so good but here's somethings I've learnt:
new mums aren't particularly honest when you first meet them - we all want to be perfect/doing a good job so its hard to walk into a baby group and say how you really feel that kind of trust takes a while to build up so find some people you can talk to honestly and openly even if they don't have children, its the talking that helps (or post on here lots - it really helps!)
be selfish - you are your baby's only spokes person so if you are happy then they'll be happy so ask for help and don't feel guilty, just because a mum you know looks like they are super mum doesn't necessarily mean they are
use tesco delivery, get take out, lower your cleaning standards, don't run around after guests, trust your instincts - you spend the most time with your baby and quite unbelievably at times you do know best
I never bonded with either of my two instantly - I now realise as they grow as little people your love for them grows - I'm not the kind of person would believes in love at first sight - I knew dh for 3 years as a friend before we got together I figure every relationship takes time - if fact my first thought after ds1 was born was I wanted a shower and to put my pants on it was over an hour before I held him

I'm sorry I haven't read all the posts but hope there is some good advice from everyone, good luck with everything x

[waiting4bambino]

Thanks for all your replies, they are so touching they made my eyes water I'm feeling much more positive after hearing from you all, and even though I've heard about all your bad days, I realise I won't be the only one having them!

ConnorTraceptive I remember you from the ttc boards! It's good to have a familiar face in the same boat, stay in touch in the lead up to the big day and after if we've got time! I would love to hear from you again...

Putthatinyourpipe I too am working right up until the end so that I can get more time after etc, and yes, its all surreal to me too. I imagine the future, but at the same time i can't imagine it. As I've always worked, I can't face winding down and handing jobs onto other people! I want everything done and dusted so that i can move on to this new change in my life and kind of have closure on work for a while. I just can't imagine waking up and not going to work! Sounds like i'm a workaholic, I'm not, I love weekends, but i just can't imagine 7 days of them...

My midwife is coming on Friday and we're discussing the birth plan, so perhaps I'll feel more prepared and relaxed about it then if I can organise in my mind what I would like to happen etc, and what relief etc is available to me. I also plan on staying an extra night if the hospital will let me so that i can pick up more breastfeeding practice and general tips. One of my friends in work who waited until she was 38 to have her first and didnt even know her cervix was going to open(!) now has 2 children... I asked her how long it took her to look like an expert with her baby and she said about 3 weeks, and from all the info I had given her beforehand (just from watching the Health Channel on Sky) you would think that she would never get the hang of it!! So I guess there is hope for me!