Am I being ungrateful?

[finallypregnant]

What's your views on second hand baby stuff - I have stressed that I want a new cot and pram however, hubby's mate has offered us his daughters stuff - she's now 9 years old. We've had a fight and he says I am ungrateful.

We've been offered loads more from family and friends, most of which I am happy to accept but I don't want a 9 year old pram and cot and bedding. Am I being ungrateful - my hormones are all over the place and I ended up bawling like a three year old.

[candypandy]

take it and spend the spare money on something nice for you after you've given birth -- you'll need it by then!

[karen999]

Depends - can you afford to buy new stuff? I have a 7 year gap between my two dd's. I bought all new stuff but that was because fashions etc change. I was in a position to buy new stuff (with families help and new dp)

If I had had a second dc with my ex husband I would have just taken what was being offered, with exception of the pram.

But I do believe that a lot of the excitement about having a baby comes with shopping for it - whether it is for a pram, cot, car seta etc. It is the whole process of going out and getting stuff ready that is exciting!!

[onepieceoflollipop]

You are not being ungrateful - it is a personal choice. Perhaps when you feel a bit calmer explain more to your dh what you have said here. If money is a bit tight your dh is probably only trying to help? If you can afford a new cot etc and that is what you want then go for it.

I am happy generally to have 2nd hand, but personally would always have new mattresses. However this is hypothetical as we were bought a new cot and pram by mum and mil so didn't need to consider a hand me down one.

All the best with the new baby when he/she arrives.

[micegg]

Why dont you compromise. The 9 years old cot is probably fine. Just get a new mattress and bedding and a newer (even if not brand new) pram.

If its any consolation I would be the same.

[finallypregnant]

Yeah, we can afford new stuff although middle of the road stuff, not hugely expensve. We are doing fine with money so that's not an issue. Will sleep on it tonight.

[toastedteacake]

Stick to your guns! I wouldn't want to put a newborn baby in a second-hand cot from an 'unknown' source. What state is it in? Is your DH considering using a second-hand mattress? Yuck!

Sorry baby, you may well be sleeping in other childrens' wee and vomit, but your Dads an arse and won't put his hand in his pocket. What a wonderful welcome to the world!

Sorry, feel strongly on this one!

[BeeWiseMen]

you've probably been daydreaming about having babies since you were a little girl and part of your dreaming was buying the cot and pram. Your DH probably hasn't had those same dreams and so can't understand how important the buying and choosing the perfect cot and pram are to you. Could you compromise and just take the cot as they don't change too much with fashion? A pram is different I think because if you don't get the one that's right for you it will annoy every day for months until you end up buying another one anyway. And speaking as the woman who shamelessly fished for second hand everything from friends, family, neoghbours and colleagues I think I would have found second hand bedding difficult to live with given that you just know it's been coated in another babies emissions at some point. Perhaps your dh's distress is also partly because he's worrying about your finances with a baby on the way and sees your need for new as extravagent given your imminent drop in income?

[Gemy]

I agree that some styles do change, but quite a few cot styles stay pretty much the same. How about compromising and asking to have a look at the cot, say you want a new matress regardless and pram-wise, well, I think things have moved on alot in 9 years. Ask for the make/model number and research in on the net?

I don't think you're being especially ungrateful because 9 years is a long time for stuff to sat around in a garage etc.

Perhaps tell your DH you'd like more information on the stuff on offer, which I think is totally reasonable.

For us, we had the P&T so just bought the doubles kit, and we did look for an appropriate cot/bed second hand but did not find one that was worth it (after all the hassle of collecting it etc and buying new matress anyway) and I am using quite a few clothes things from DD1 (and a few things off ebay!)

I've found that as soon as my DH's friends/colleuges have heard about our new addition, it's somtimes a case of these people just wanting to get rid of stuff (and not especially to help us out) but, of course, sure this is not the same for everyone.

[spackcat]

I don't think you are being ungrateful, finally'. Those are the things you will be getting the most wear out of and I can understand you wanting them new. Was it the friend or your hubby that you fell out with?
If it was your dh then maybe BeeWise' is right - you know what men can be like when it comes to worrying about money! Even when they have plenty! If it was your dh's mate you argued with then I think they are being a bit unreasonable tbh, generousity isn't generousity when you're made to feel bad when you don't accept it. Perhaps you could say you already have your heart set on a particular pram/cot because it does this or that or you wanted a certain colour because of such and such, thanks all the same, that line worked for me ok. I'm sure it will 'all come out in the wash!' as my mother used to say!x

[tarantula]

"Sorry baby, you may well be sleeping in other childrens' wee and vomit, but your Dads an arse and won't put his hand in his pocket. What a wonderful welcome to the world!"

How nasty is that!!!! May be dads just trying to be practical and think of the futher. There is nothing wrong with second hand cots or prams (tho you will def need a new matress.) My dd had a second hand cot so are you sayign that we didtn love her enough to buy new??????

that was a truely digustingly horrible comment toastedteacake.

To teh OP if you feel you woudl prefer new I cant see a problem with that either tbh. Its something that you will need to sit down and discuss with your dp.

[candypandy]

There's nothing wrong with second hand stuff. Tattoo it on your forehead! Some people wouldn't get by without it. Nothing to do with being mean.

[Surfermum]

We needed two lots of everything so that dd could sleep at my mums, and they had a 2nd buggy to take her out in. Could you accept them and make use of them like that? Then you can have the new stuff that you'd like.

I agree about the excitement of going out and choosing and buying things. That was very important to me - and I'm a big charity shopper. I think it was a bit like planning and shopping for your wedding.

DD came home dressed head to foot in charity shop clothes, but the one thing I did want new for her was her travel system. Apart from anything the technology has moved on so much in the past 9 years, I'm behind you with wanting a new pram.

[Brangelina]

Nothing wrong with 2nd hand stuff, but I do get where you're coming from. I was offered a 10yo pram from a friend of DP's to also use as a crib and I refused, mainly because it was dead ugly (naff tartan design) and it wouldn't have been possible to replace the mattress as it was all in one. So a superficial reason and a serious reason.

We did accept a playmat and some toys, though, and our highchair is about 4th hand and seriously ugly, but then DD's only in it for meals and I don't have to be seen out and about with it. I would accept the cot, as long as it's clean/easily cleaned and get a new mattress but if you don't want the pram you don't have to accept it. With the money you save on the cot you can get a seriously nice pram.

[crokky]

You should not reuse a 9 year old cot mattress. I was even told that my 2 year old cot mattress that I used for DS is not suitable for the baby I am currently carrying and to replace it.

Re the rest of the stuff - depends where/how it has been stored. A pram/buggy in a garage for that amount of time is likely to be mildewy. In the attic - perhaps a bit musty and smelly.

Re clothes - I think this is a funny issue. People generally think that baby clothes HAVE to be reused however old they are (I was offered 40 year old baby clothes by MIL that BIL had as a baby ). But if a friend or relative offered YOU some clothes of theirs that they had not worn for 9 years, you would probably think it rather wierd wouldn't you? So why dress a baby like that if you have the money to get newer clothes. You can get cheap baby clothes in Asda, in sales etc AND you can choose they yourself and have the pleasure of buying something for your baby.

I think people's hearts are in the right place when they offer baby stuff around, but IMO, you have to be prepared for a refusal. I gave away some baby clothes (under 1 year old) to a family member recently and I said to her: If any of it is useful to you, then great, if not, put it in the charity shop and I think this should be the attitude of the giver. Otherwise don't give!

Usually when baby is born, friends and relatives will buy the baby some clothes as presents so you don't generally not have enough clothes for a little baby.

Anyway, no you are not being ungrateful. You are pregnant and (money permitting) it is part of it all to buy some baby things. Re the money, anyway, what I tend to do is to buy something mid priced, keep it in really nice condition and then sell it on eBay as soon as I am finished with it. That way, you get new stuff that you have chosen, but you get some of the money back after you have used it.

[Didylicious]

You can get a nice sniglar cot from ikea - if your hubby want's to save pennies (they're only about £29 - so no excuses there!).

I want one this time (4th baby)..... we had a 2nd hand family cot for babies 2 and 3 - but it got rather noisy and clanky (especially the drop-side) so I'm not planning on using it this time! No1 had a 2nd hand cot from her cousins too - but there's a big age-gap between her and the younger kids, so that got sold on long before!

I like the ikea one for it's solid wooden base (making it ideal to use with the anglesounds monitor that has a movement sensor pad). We had to put the sensor pad on a piece of wood under the matress of the old cot because it had a sprung base. It kept misfiring because of this too - which was annoying!
I also like that it doesn't have a drop-side - because it's quiet when the baby rolls over (any cot with moving parts has the potential to clank!).... my sister has the ikea one - it's brilliant!

[Didylicious]

PS forgot to say - you need a pram or buggy that suits YOUR needs (do you need to use a bus regularly or fit it into the car boot?) - Would the 2nd hand one fit this criteria?

Also, at 9y old - has it been stored somewhere nice and dry? You don't want a brand new baby in something that might have a bit of mould on it or smell fusty from storgage.

[finallypregnant]

Thanks everyone for your valid points. I don't have a problem with clothes - hell, I lived out of hand me downs for long enough. I think hubby has come round to the buying certain bits new - I think he just didn't know how to say no to his best mate!

[LuckyStarOfBethSalem]

We've had everything 2nd hand except the pram (cos we had a carseat and I didn't want to risk one that MAY have been in an accident) and mattress.

EVERYTHING ELSE is 2nd hand. Clothes, baby monitors, cot, baby bath. There is nothing wrong with 2nd hand, I just wouldn't take the pram cos of the safety aspect with the car seat. If we didn't drive I would have had a 2nd hand pram and I wanted a new mattress cos we bought the cot off Ebay.

[Naetha]

Nearly everything we've got is second hand other than (ironically)the big, expensive things. We were offered a second hand pushchair and cot-bed, but we'd already decided what pushchair we wanted and were happy to stick with that, and we took them up on the offer of the cot-bed.

Once we'd picked it up though, we realised that both parents were smokers, and the cotbed had been stored in a car-port for a year, so we decided not to use it after all.

Other than that though, we have LOADS of clothes (haven't had any need to buy any 0-3mths or 3-6mths clothes at all) and a fair few toys.

[nosnikrap]

I'd say that alot of your hubby's frustration may be born of feeling uncomfortable about refusing a gift.

I'd take the cot, get new mattress and bedding, but for safety reasons refuse the pram. Cots are just cots as far as I'm concerned!!