Mum has done everything......

[Rivanshine]

....and I have done or hardly bought ANYTHING for my baby.....because she has beaten me to it EVERY time.

I tried to tell her once that she didn't need to get anything because me and DH would, but she shouted at me for being ungrateful and selfish because no-one helped her when she had me years ago when she was a single mum at 16.

I'm 26. I have a husband. I have a mortgage. Up until the beginning of this month I worked full-time and was planning to use the hard earned money I saved to get my little girl what I wanted or could. But my mum has constantly made me feel like I am still a child and stupid. I once almost had a panic attack in Mothercare because just looking at things that I couldn't buy made me feel so low and inadequate.

I feel so bad now that I just want to give the baby to her when she's born and have done with it - and she can live with my mum and my other younger siblings. I can't take any of this anymore. I don't feel like i'm the baby's mother at all now - just a bystander really.

My DH doesn't know what to do. I have been crying non-stop since my mum left last night after dropping round yet more stuff (that I didn't ask her for) that I was leaving to the last minute to get next week. I was looking forward to picking out SOME THINGS for my daughter.

I haven't even been allowed to choose a selection of baby toiletries or nappies because those are part of the things she brought with her yesterday - all piled high in a baby bath that I told her not to get because we only live in a 1 bedroom flat and storage is tight.

Like I said - its not my baby anymore. My mum even went so far as to say how long 'we' (meaning the family) had been waiting for this baby. No - DH AND I WAITED for a long time for this baby after I was diagnosed with PCOS in 2005 and had to go through the fertility treatment.

I give up.

Sorry to bring you all down on a Sunday guys. Hope that you are all well and everything is going ok where you are.

Riv xx
37+5

[MarsLady]

Riv................. YOU are the mother of your baby! YOU decide what your baby will and won't wear/use etc........

You can pop the things that your mum has bought into a box. You ca ntake some of it round to her's for when you visit. You can give some stuff away to needy people, you could ebay some!

What I'm trying to say is that you are coming to the end of your pregnancy and you are letting an over helpful mum upset you.

The truth of the matter is that no matter what your mum does and doesn't do.... YOU and YOUR DH made this baby and YOU and YOUR DH will bring this baby up. YOU will be the one that baby calls MUM! YOU!

[rozzyraspberry]

Riv,

Picking out things for your baby is fun. However, there's nothing to stop you going out and buying a few things yourself. Even if your mum's bought lots of the essential things there's nothing to stop you going and buying some lovely clothes/teddies/blankets for your little one. Since she's bought a lot of stuff you can be extravagent and get more expensive stuff that you might not have been able to afford before.

Your baby will know who her mum is - she will love you and being with you more than with anyone else.

Good luck!!

[XcupcakemummyX]

try and hide as much as poss

and start an account for your little one
you may find friends and relatives give you so much when you have the baby you will forget who gave it all

tons of luck

[Cammelia]

I think your mother is over-compensating for her own pregnancy when she had you at 16 and no-one helped her

[Rivanshine]

Thanks for your support guys,

I must admit that this is my mum's first grandchild (and therefore I can understand that she's excited) but it is NOT the first time that she has used her 'overpowering' personality to do and say what she likes.

My wedding spings to mind actually!!!

Deep down I know that I am being illogical about everything (and hormonal!) and that I will possibly be very glad that she purchased certain items for the baby that I might not have thought I needed BUT......

I can't help having this feeling of helplessness and vulnerabilty at a time when surely I should be excited and anxious etc about the impending birth of my daughter?

It just seems that a little 'something' has been taken away from me before i've even had a chance to hop on the 'mummy rollercoaster' and find things out for myself!

BTW, Cammelia - I think you've hit the nail right on the head with your comment! Thankyou

[Chickhick]

Oh you sound so stressed, please try not to let it get to you.

Your mum have overstepped the mark big time but it sound like she is doing it with the best of intentions.

Keep the stuff that you like and take back the other stuff and exchange it for things that you would have chosen. Don't worry too much about the money that she has spent, you will be surprised how quickly your savings will go once the little one is here.

My mil was very interfering and I sometimes felt like it would be easier just to hand ds over as sometimes she made me feel like he was her baby and not mine!! Don't think like this, negative feelings will just eat away inside you and make you feel even more stressed.

I think I would send your mum a thank you card for the gifts that she has given and say something along the lines of "Thanks so much for all the lovely pressies, my baby is lucky to have such a thoughtful grandmother, please don't spend any more as we are looking forward to choosing some of the babies things ourselves.

Good luck!

[ib]

We had everything given to us (well, handed down mostly) and it in no way makes us feel ds is less than absolutely ours. But I do get how you're feeling right now, don't worry, it'll change when YOU are the one getting up in the night to feed your baby!

The way I dealt with the whole 'wanting to buy things' was to decide to use cloth nappies. You can get really into finding all out about the different types, buying several different ones to try out, etc. Plus they are really cute and very virtuous (save money and the environment)

I think the bigger issue which is getting you down is that your mum is being pretty invasive - and I honestly would deal with that directly rather than deflect it into issues of buying stuff, as it's much more likely to be a problem later on.

[feedmenow]

Rivan, sorry to hear you are feeling so down about this

I supoose the help is lovely in some ways, but it sounds a bit harsh of your mum to shout at you and call you ungrateful.

If you feel you have too much stuff, or that there are things that aren't to your taste, could you possible return a few things for store credit as unwanted gifts? That way, you can use the credit to chose the things that you like and that you feel you need. Or save it and wait til you need more a few months down the line? Not suggesting, BTW, that you should return EVERYTHING your mum got! Just the bits that you view as the excess.

And have you thought at all about visitors after your dd is born? Maybe you and dh could lay down some rules now so that you both get a chance to bond with your daughter without being overwhelmed by visitors too soon.

Good luck.

xx

[Lizzylou]

Rivan, take deep breaths, relax and calm down. I too have an overpowering Mother, but moved 2 1/2hrs away to get away!

Try to keep calm and stay focussed on keeping you and your baby well, get lots of sleep and enjoy being pregnant before you finally get to meet your little girl.

OK, so your Mom has bought all the baby stuff, but the most important thing, way more important than "stuff" is you and your daughter. You are going to be a Mom yourself very soon and I think whilst your Mom has annoyed you, she is only trying to be kind and helpful.
Take Care and good luck!

[mumzyof2]

Oh I totally see where you are coming from, bying things for your baby is one of the first things we look forward to as Mothers, and to have it all bought for you, without having a chance to do so yourself seems a bit unfair. You're not being ungrateful, and I think your Mothers comment was unfair.
I can kind of relate to you, to a point where I was a single mum at 18, and my Mother (who has always tried to over-control me) took to deciding what I should and shouldnt be spending my money on. Im a strong person, and refuse to have decisions made for me, but my mum REALLY wore me down! To the point where when I bought my baby a musical toy, I suddenly realised that I couldnt justify this buy to my mum, and told her it was my ds' easter present! Looking back now, it seemed ridiculous that somebody could make me feel like that, and it wouldnt happen now! You cant get these times back, so be strong, tell her how you feel, if she tells you that you're ungrateful, ignore her! It sounds mean but its not. You may hold this against her later on, especially if she tries to do too much when the babies born.

[insywinsyspider]

big hugs I can completely understand how you feel, buying things for your baby is exciting and you should have the space to enjoy it - we buy things for our babies because we like them most of the stuff they don't need.

It sounds like your mum is over compensating for when she had you, I guess she never got to buy the things she wanted too and enjoy it when you where born, my MIL constantly tells me about how she had to be very sensible and never bought the friviously stuff or had a nursery, she's kind of jealous we can do what we want to.

I don't know what to suggest - have you been able to decorate a room for the baby how you want it? get the pram? I'm trying to think of things that are yours, I sure there are some and bottom line you are this littles girls mum and she will understand everything you do for her, would a joint shopping trip help? she could spend her money and you could help choose things? (actually that might just be stressful!) failing that spend your hard earned cash on the expensive stuff - we had a red (things we had to have) amber (nice to have/make life easier) and green (if we were feeling rich) list.... ds's great granny bought him a limited edition signed Quentin Blake print from our green list get dd or yourself something fab

anyway I'm just rambling now! hope your feeling better (and dh is too!)

[Rivanshine]

Just to say,

A big 'Thankyou' to everyone who took the time to post yesterday - it has really helped so much to get different opinions on my little 'issue'!

Needless to say that after reading through again from the start I then took a deep breath, calmed myself and thanked my lucky stars that - even though she can be pushy at times - my mum does care and is only trying to do what she thinks is best.

I'm not sure if I have the heart to Ebay any of the items as I would rather donate anything that I really and truly didn't like to a charity shop or something. In that way I could possibly be helping someone else out - not to mention contributing in a small way to the charity itself.

I'm really sorry if I came across as ungrateful, selfish and totally hormonal yesterday. Well, I AM very hormonal at the moment - but maybe I am allowed to get away with that one for the time being eh?

Anyway, there might be another explanation as to why my mother has gone into 'granny overdrive' actually - I live in Braintree, Essex and she lives in St Albans, Herts. So she's about 50-odd miles away. My MIL, on the other hand, lives about 3 miles down the road! My mum does drive (as do I) but she still has a lot of commitments at home with my 5 younger siblings. Well, 4 now actually since one of my brothers has recently moved out (he's 21). The remaining 'kids' are 17, 16, 15 and 13 - so she's quite busy a lot of the time!!!

To give her a lot of credit here - I don't really know how she's had the time to find and buy all the things for the baby that she has so far! I think that maybe I really need to start paying more attention to where she gets all her energy from as I may need to know the secret pretty soon!!

Thanks again for all your support guys,

Riv xx