Pregnant, scaread and confused!

[Ukelele]

I found out a few days ago that I'm pregnant, it's completely unplanned and I dont know what to do! I'm 23 and just finished university so this is a weird time anyway.


I'm not with the father anymore but he's being really supportive, there's no chance of us getting back together but we get on well and everything.

I just dont know what to do! I think in my heart of hearts I want to keep it but am worried about being a single parent etc etc and at the moment I change my mind every 5 minutes!

Any advice would be very much appreciated! xxx

[RGPargy]

Hi Ukelele.

Firstly, congratulations!!!

Secondly, take your time with any decisions you make! Being a single parent is deffo do-able, especially with the father's support. It's hard work, yes, but very very rewarding!

[RuthChan]

Hi Ukelele
Congratulations!!
Yes, it sounds like a difficult time for you right now due to all the changes in your life.
How far gone are you now?
It's great that you still get on well with the father. That would certainly help if you do decide to keep it.
However, this is a really big decision and not one that you should rush into taking.
Your hormones are currently running wild, so you are probably feeling pretty emotional anyway, apart from everything else.
I suggest that you talk it through with your family and friends as well as the father. They know your personal situation far better than anyone on MN and, when it comes down to it, it will be their support that you reply on the most in the future whatever you decide.

[HonoriaGlossop]

wow, this is a really crossroads time for you - finishing uni is strange enough, let alone having to cope with this.

I just wanted to second the advice to take your time over the decision. If you don't want to go ahead with it obviously the sooner you decide that the better for you, but what I mean is, rather than taking weeks over it, make sure you take time out to focus on this and nothing else so that you really can get to know what you want.

The trouble is, there is no easy way out now, is there - it's life changing no matter what you decide.

As a mum I can say that if you have the baby, the likelihood is that it will be the love of your life and the most precious thing in the world. There are many advantages to being a young mum (speaking as an old one!).

However also as a mum, I can say that being ready, and being able to wholeheartedly welcome even the awful, exhausting things of parenthood without experiencing regrets and desperation to be down the pub instead, is a good place to be when you have a child. There are also many advantages to having some years to yourself before you start parenthood. Being a single mum has to be the hardest option out there and I don't know how people do it; but they do.

I think it depends where you are along that spectrum really.

I wouldn't judge you for either outcome, to be honest.

[Lizzer]

Hi Ukelele, I'm sorry its so confusing - I too was 23 and pg with dd, I was with her father but split up at 7 months pg and haven't seen him since she was 4 months old. (His choice, and I'm pleased as he is a loser, no question of that) It was a tough decision for me too and I had gone down the route of termination before so I knew I could have faced it, but I'm so pleased I have dd now. Yes, its been financially tough but we're fine,after a short stint on benefits and part time work. We're so close as mother and daughter and although I'm with a new partner now I really enjoyed the time we had on our own together. I think basically you'll amaze yourself at what you can acheive and what strengths you never thought you had.

Hope you don't think that's preachy, just wanted to give you a positive outlook on your situation from one who's been there! Good luck

[Ukelele]

Thank you so much, its really nice to hear objective advice and thank you for the congratulations, its easy to forget that this is actually a happy time!


I told my mum about it today. She was a bit shocked and worried that i'm going to waste my education etc but generally supportive.

Thanks Lizzer, thats really encouraging.

I'm 5 weeks gone now so its still early, i'm feeling the effects though! My boobs are SO painful and I feel sick all the time! xxx

[RuthChan]

Hi again Ukelele
One thing you can always rely on from MN is a wide range of opinions and points of view!
It's great that you've been able to tell your mum. Your family will be really important at this time, whatever you decide.
It's also good news that you're only 5 weeks gone. That's still really early so, although there is a time limit, you don't need to rush your decision. Deciding in the relatively near future will probably be good though, so that you can make plans and so also to save your sanity!
I'm not a single mum, so I can't speak from that point of view. I have immense respect for them because parenthood is tough even when sharing the burden as a couple. However, I do know some single parents and I'm sure, as Lizzer said, that they share an extra special relationship with their children.
Parenthood means making immense personal sacrifices for your children and I would urge anyone, married or not, to be sure that they are ready to take that step.

As for the sore breasts and feeling sick. I'm sorry to hear that you are already experiencing the less pleasant aspects of early pregnancy. Right now your hormones are going crazy. It may get a bit worse over the next few weeks, but only for the first trimester and then it will pass. From the second trimester on you'll start to bloom and it will all be far easier to cope with.

[wendyredhead]

Ukele: all I can say is that even when you are married, in your 30s, and the pregnancy is more than planned and wanted - when you actually find out you are pregnant you have mixed emotions neverthless!..oh no, what have a really done? do I really want a baby? how will i cope? It's common - hope this makes you feel a bit better..?

It's fear, worry and the responsibility of the whole thing that is terrifying and even terrifying the second time around, let alone the first and facing it alone! So you will not know whether you are coming or going.

If it helps, I felt like this and didn't really like my baby for the first few months but then bang, wham, you are in love and it never ends and it's the most fulfilling, amazing experience ever, being a mum!

i wish you the best x

[LWandLottie]

OMG you are me only 3 years older! I was still at uni when I found out I was pregnant! Now have a 12 week old daughter. I was fairly messed up when I found out as I thought my life was over! Think I always knew that I wanted the baby though. Me and the dad don't speak and he's seen Charlotte twice.

It's hard, but totally doable as long as you have some form of support. Very rewarding as well. Your post tells me that you want the baby. When I found out (5 days after arriving at uni for my first year!) I was chopping and changing my mind evey 2 seconds, but the fact that I was considering keeping it spoke volumes! I saw it as a baby, not a problem.

Take time to think about it, talk to your ex, friends and family. It's a big decision to make, but one that I don't regret for one second.

Congrats by the way

[Ukelele]

Hey,

Thanks again for the replies. It really helps to hear from people who have gone through the same thing.

I'm still REALLY confused, I just cant think clearly because I'm so emotional all the time! And also, everytime I speak to the dad I get really angry! He's being supportive and everything and in my head I know its hard for him too, but I find myself really resenting him , is this normal???

xxx

[kittylouise]

Hi,

Congratulations - I do feel for you so much, I too was pregnant very young, and found the whole thing so confusing for the first couple of months into pregnancy. The whole thing is such a huge decision, and don't underestimate the power of hormones, I used to feel on top of thw world one minute, then wanting to punch people (usually my then boyfriend) the next.

I don't think it's unusual to feel resentful towards him, you probably know at the back of your mind that the bulk of care for your baby will be done by you, and that you are going to be the one with all the responsibility. I am so glad that your mum is being supportive (and you haven't wasted your education in my opinion!)

The first few months of pregnancy are very hard, physically and especially emotionally, so please don't be too hard on yourself.

Good luck with everything x

[LWandLottie]

Perfectly normal! Oh how I hated my ex! We didn't speak much and he never saw me during my pregnancy, but when we did speak he'd bang on about wanting to be involved blah blah blah. I got angry with him because I knew he wouldn't be, I'd be doing all of the raising of the baby. And he would never understand what I was going through, and never tried to. Add in a big bunch of horrid hormones and I was a wreck for the first couple of months. This wasn't helped by the extreme exhaustion and morning sickness. So yes, you do get 'ill feelings' towards them.

[beller]

Hi Ukelele-

I am quite a bit older than you..but sort of same situation...(im 37) I found out i was pregnant and my boyfriend decided that he didnt want to be a dad again, and we have split. We are on speaking terms..but thats about it. I went though all the emotions of being scared, wondering if i can do this on my own..wondering if i could go through with a termination.....I thought my head was going to explode as i couldnt seem to turn it off! Some things that helped me was, talking to my doctor, she was great and refered me to a clinic so I could see a counsellor and talk through my worries ..my boyfriend came too,and ut helped for us both to talk about it. Talk to your friends and family as they will be close to you through all this and will be able to offer you support? And that is whatever you decide. Im the end you have to make the decision, and my boyfriend wanted me to have a termination..but i decided that I couldnt do that as I really did want a baby (not ideal circumstances, but there are no guarentees in life!).
I am now 21 weeks pregnant, and so sure I have made the right decision. On the other hand i have a friend who is 28, same sort of situation, her boyfriend and her are still toegther though...after much thought she has decided its too early and she isnt ready, so has had a termination. There is no right or wrong answer to all this...you have time on your side, although at the moment you just feel like you will never come to a decision!

I am under no illusion that this will be easy, but I have decided it will be worth it.
I really feel for you as i was feeling exactly the same about 15 weeks ago...try to give your mind space (easier said than done), and have days when you try not to think about it..your mind will clear and you will make a deicison, what ever that may be for you..it will be the right one. Seeing a counsellor to talk through it all might help though, sometimes easier to talk to someone who is not involved personally in any way.
Goodluck and best wishes xxxxxxxxxx

[beller]

Also meant to say, its good to talk it through with you ex...really pleased that he is being supportive xx

[Ukelele]

I'm going to see a counsellor this week to talk through everything which i'm hoping will help! I'm finding it hard to talk to friends and family at the moment as I feel under pressure to make a decision.

My morning sickness is getting worse every day, but its not just morning sickness its all day and night sickness! Has anyone got any tips on how to make it bearable?! x

[Naetha]

Hey Ukelele

There are lots of remedies for morning sickness, including ginger (whether biscuits, ale, pills etc), acupressure bands etc. None of these worked for me, the only thing that worked was to eat little and often, and just eat whatever I wanted that didn't make me feel sick. For me this was salt and vinegar crisps - often I'd have a pack of crisps to stop myself feeling sick, then I'd eat a banana which would fill me up for longer than just the crisps by themselves.

As for the bigger picture, it will be a huge decision for you to make - I kinda get the impression you have already made your mind up, but its definitely worth talking it through with someone impartial like a counsellor.

The only problem is that the hormones really do screw your brain up in pregnancy. Me and DH had planned this pregnancy, it has come at the perfect time, and yet we still half-considered getting a termination at about 8 weeks because it was all so unbearable - the combination of morning sickness, extreme exhaustion and rollercoaster emotions made life very difficult. Now I am 21 weeks I don't know how I could have considered anything like that, and despite feeling as maternal as a brick, I am very very very protective, both physically and emotionally of my akward, squirming brain-leech

[ClaphamLauren]

Hi Ukelele

I'm 20 years old and 10 weeks pregnant, I get on really well with the Dad but we're no longer together and it was the toughest decision to decide to keep the baby. Whilst he put no pressure on me, I know that he wanted me to have an abortion and looking at the bigger picture I can see how it could be perceived as the "right" thing to do.

I resent him big time though, he doesn't have any of the feelings I do and just doesn't seem to "get it". He still has his disposable income, goes out drinking and it doesn't seem to have affected him although he tells me otherwise. It's hard and I certainly can't imagine things getting any easier.

Equally though when I saw my baby on the scan wriggling around and it's heartbeating I felt overwhelmed with love. For me, I know it was the right decision but it is already very difficult and I spend a lot of time crying and being angry. I also tried to have an abortion twice and ended up walking out both times, sometimes coming face to face with the decision makes it easier to decide.

Good luck! x

[gemmiegoatlegs]

hi ukelele, i just wanted to add my support and also say that having a baby can be compatible with a career. After all, the majority of mums do work, and if you decide not to for x amount of time then that's fine too.

I am 25 and had my two at 21 and 23. I was working and have since returned to study. as far as "wasting your education" goes, all the mums i know who have/are studying feel that being a parent makes them more focused and more determined to succeed.

I wish you the best of luck, whatever you decide.