stress and worry

[Lwlw]

Hi everyone I am 12+1 wks pg and have my dating scan on Monday, which is both scary and exciting. However I was hoping you might be able to help me with something I am worrying a lot about;
My partner is a freelance camera operator, working on films and drama, a few years ago when I first met him, he was declared banrkrupt, for the last two years his employment problems haven't bothered me that much but now we are about to have a baby I am getting very stressed. We are living in small flat at the moment but are due to move to a good size house at the end of the month, a friend of my family has given us a good deal with the rent. I only work part time as I am a student, so when he is out of work, like he is now, things are really difficult. My boyfriend is a very loving and supportive partner and I can't imagine us not being together, but his lack of motivation for finding work really scares me.
At the moment I am studying for my finals in a psychology degree and I'm also doing 16 hours part time work a week, as you can imagine, I'm exhausted. I've tried to push him to get a part time job, but he just insn't interested, he just sits and watches telly all day. I feel like screaming at the moment- what can I do?

[massagemum]

Why don't you show him this thread and maybe he wil get an idea of how you are feeling??

Either that or when you see your midwife make sure he comes with you, and when she asks you how you are feeling - tell how tired you are because of the working to make ends meet etc and he might pick up some pointers!

[Lwlw]

Thank you, that is good advice. I will be seeing a midwife on Monday so I could bring it up then.

[nh101]

Gosh, this is difficult - I had a partner once who lost his job and then didn't seem interested in getting another one. I let him just pick up bits and pieces here and there (we weren't having a baby at the time, thankk goodness we never did!) because I didn't think it was right to push him into doing something he didn;t want to do, but looking back now I realise I was wrong. I think you need to make it clear to your partner that it is not acceptable for him not to be bringing in a wage. You both have a big responsibility now and he needs a job that pays a regular wage. Is there a brother or friend who he respects, who he might take more notice of? You could ask them to have a word. I would go as far as to tell your partner you will leave him if he can't prove to you that he is grown up enough to look after you and this baby. Harsh, but I don't think you should have to put up with a partner who doesn't pull his weight. I might just shock him into action. Hope I haven't spoken out of line. Good luck

[MrsMar]

HI there LWLW, sorry to hear you are going through a rough time. I work in telly, and I understand how the industry works in that it's usually feast or famine. It's very difficult under those circumstances to feel settled as the nature of the business is always going to be like that. One thing that struck a note with me, my dh was unemployed for 6 months a couple of years ago, and I know how much it affected both of us. He sat around all day playing the playstation and watching telly, and I got quite frustrated with me doing all the work (and of course the housework too!). One day I approached him about it, and he broke down in tears. It really shocked me, I didn't realise just how it had affected him. He felt totally useless and it had really got to him how powerless he was, that he'd just shut it out of his mind. Is it possible that your boyfriend is going through something similar? It's very hard to work through something like this as it can be so frustrating you want to scream, but also it's quite a sensitive subject, as some blokes can feel quite emasculated when they aren't in work. I wish I could offer some better advice, but I think choosing the time to talk calmly and constructively about it is important. It's important not to be accusatory, but also to stress how concerned you are about money. Good luck cc

[Lwlw]

Thank you very much for your good advice. I think the last comment about my boyfriend feeling emasculated is quite right - he does say quite often that he feels uselelss. We have to keep talking I suppose. The lady who said I should threaten to leave him also has a point- and I'm not afraid to use that card, especially if I continue to feel this stressed. Thanks again for your support.
Will keep you posted.....

[Lwlw]

Thank you for your advice, I agree a lot with what you've said. Will keep you posted....