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Dp says I am selfish for not aborting

(51 Posts)
Drinkstoomuchjuice Sun 27-Nov-16 21:44:23

I know this has been posted about before, but I am really, really struggling, so could do with some input.

My current contraception ended a few months ago, and Dp was aware of this. He started talking about how it was a great time to have a family and every time we had intercourse he kept saying "this could be it!!", so I thought that he was ok with the possibility of pregnancy. I was thrilled at this, as neither of us are spring chickens, and I was unable to conceive with my ex-partner after two years of trying. He then got cold feet a month later, and I went back onto contraception, and then found out that I was pregnant.

Initially he was nervous but seemed genuinely happy and excited. Now I have been booked in by the midwife and am expanding at quite a rate (this is my second pregnancy, I have a teenager) he is adamant that I should abort. He has called me every name under the sun, I get barrages of hate-filled text messages from him, and feel utterly sick every time I even glance at my phone.

There is no way I can abort. I had an abortion as a teen due to rape, and I still beat myself up every single day, despite it being the best thing to do. I cannot go through that again. I was a single parent for a long time with my first, and was on my own with her from birth, so I know that I can do it again; being on my own does not phase me. It is more being able to cope with dp. I don't feel like I can break up with him as I am carrying his child, and between the horrid texts he keeps telling me how he loves me, and then follows it up with a rant about how selfish I am and how I have ruined his life. I am beyond miserable.

I have confided in two close friends, and they have both said that they think that I am being selfish as it isn't fair to "foist" a baby on him, and I should abort and then cut all ties with him, but I really do not want to abort. I just feel so alone and am worried about the effect that the stress is having on the baby.

OohhThatsMe Sun 27-Nov-16 21:46:28

Don't worry about the baby - they survive in war-torn countries.

I'm worried that this man is so awful to you yet you feel you have to stay with him. I'm also worried that your friends don't really understand why you feel you can't go through with an abortion.

It's a really tough decision for you to make. He's been very, very unfair, hasn't he?

dementedpixie Sun 27-Nov-16 21:49:48

Your body, your choice and your friends don't sound very supportive either. If he didn't want the option of a baby then he should not have had unprotected sex with you

Somerville Sun 27-Nov-16 21:49:57

You know you need to finish with him. Don't stay with him for the sake of a child he doesn't even want.

I'm sorry you're so miserable. I think once you've got rid of this poor excuse for a man you'll feel a great deal better.

Rochefort Sun 27-Nov-16 21:52:10

The baby is not the issue here. Its your dp. He is acting like a completely selfish child. Abort or keep the baby. Thats your choice. But please, think long and hard about staying in a relationship with a twat. He wont improve when the baby comes

VivienneWestwoodsKnickers Sun 27-Nov-16 21:53:11

Dump him. Leave. Kick him out. You do not need to take this abuse.

Look after yourself, and get away from this abuser.

PoldarksBreeches Sun 27-Nov-16 21:55:31

You need some new friends
And you need to get rid of this shit excuse for a man you have been unfortunately saddled with as the father. Go it alone.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 27-Nov-16 21:55:39

Your friends said what?! Holy crap. I'm so we're you're DP has been a total shit to you but what sort of friends are they?

It sounds pretty straight forward, you both agreed not to use protection and to ttc and you got pregnant. That was always a possibility and then it happened.

It's awful what happened to you in the past, I can't begin to imagine. But even if it wasn't affecting how you feel about this pregnancy, you agreed to try and have a baby and now it's happened he's changed his mind and is being horrifically abusive. You need to leave him.

It sounds like he'll end the relationship if you don't have an abortion so I'd leave first.

You sound incredibly strong and brave and you've done this before. You'll be fine. How far along are you?

I know you weren't planning to have to go it alone again but you really can't stay with him after this. He's behaving appallingly and if he's screaming abuse at you by text he doesn't love you so what do the other messages mean?

Drinkstoomuchjuice Sun 27-Nov-16 21:56:53

Thank you for replying, you really have helped.

He knows my background, and knew that I would not be able to go through with an abortion again before he started talking about being a family. Some of the things that he has said to me have been so foul that it has changed my perception of him. He also keeps ranting about how I am "making him pay" for this baby, how I "won't see a penny from him" and how I need to get my "lazy arse into gear". I have made it perfectly clear that my income and my savings can cover this and they can; I have been through it before, I know what the expenses will be. Thankfully we don't live together, but he is also saying that I am keeping him from his child by refusing to move in with him, but I feel like things are far too unstable with him to even contemplate uprooting us to move in with him. I just wish he would leave me alone, but then he makes me feel so guilty about not wanting to be around him while he is like this, and says that it is all my fault, and he wouldn't be behaving like this if I hadn't f-ed his life up.

Sorry, just getting it all out is helping.

sj257 Sun 27-Nov-16 21:56:54

He's being vile, tell him to get lost. Your friends don't sound much better either!

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 27-Nov-16 21:57:21

Grim typos, sorry.

And what they all said, I was typing badly and slowly.

JenTeale Sun 27-Nov-16 21:57:53

It's very common for abuse to start during pregnancy and that's what's happened here; your partner is showing his abusive nature. It's entirely your choice whether you keep the baby or not, but you're mistaken in thinking that you owe this man anything - you can end the relationship any time you like and I hope you do.

AnneLovesGilbert Sun 27-Nov-16 21:59:00

Seen your update. You didn't get pregnant by yourself! He's a complete shit. You, your child and your new baby deserve way better.

jadeyty Sun 27-Nov-16 22:02:09

If you don't want to abort, tell him you are keeping the baby and that you now come as a pair - if he doenst want the baby, he can't have you either. But then again, I'd say get rid of him anyway.

Drinkstoomuchjuice Sun 27-Nov-16 22:03:29

I'm 11-12 weeks (waiting for a scan date to come through to confirm dates). I just don't know how to end it. I feel like blocking his number would be wrong, as he has a right to know his child. On the other hand, if I don't block him then I still get the barrages of texts and I eventually break and reply to him. I tried to end it with him this morning and he just plain refused to listen, and has continued to text me all day, intermittently telling me that I am everything to him, and then that I am a selfish * that is making him want to commit suicide. I know that I'm not as awful as he is telling me that I am, but I feel like there must be something in it or he wouldn't be saying these things. I basically feel like I am going mad.

Drinkstoomuchjuice Sun 27-Nov-16 22:07:15

I am so grateful to you all for replying. I am feeling a little less lost now! I have kept all of his messages (what kind of plonker puts these things in writing??!?!) so that I know that I am not going mad, and he is saying these things, and every time I wonder whether I am over-reacting I keep thinking "would he speak to his mother like this?" or "if my daughter got messages like this I would be insisting that she break up with him" so I do know that having him out of our lives is the right thing to do. It's just a matter of getting him to listen!

jadeyty Sun 27-Nov-16 22:07:27

Sounds like he is trying to manipulate you to get what he wants

buckingfrolicks Sun 27-Nov-16 22:07:37

There is NOTHING in what he's saying - don't believe that for a second. He's an emotional abuser and you really really don't need him in your life.

You're not going mad; you're being played by him, he's persecuting you left right and centre. Don't be hard on yourself at all. If you want the baby then you have it.

No advice for you, just wanted to let you know my view. Good luck

SassyPants19 Sun 27-Nov-16 22:09:22

Firstly, this IS your body, your baby and your choice. If you do not want to abort and are wanting to keep this baby without his support, then do so. If you can afford to oust him from yours and your unborn baby's life and move on without any need for him financially, emotionally or physically then keep the baby. If however, you are expecting to keep the baby against his consent and expect him to fully support you, emotionally, physically and financially I can imagine you've a disappointing journey ahead. He sounds like an utter headfuck and you're best off without that in your (both) lives. He has a responsibility undoubtedly but if he is treating you like this now you're going to struggle to get anything positive from him. But again I reiterate - this is your body, your baby and your choice.

PoldarksBreeches Sun 27-Nov-16 22:09:37

He doesn't have the right to emotionally abuse you during your pregnancy and if he continues to do so after the baby is born, he will forfeit his right to see the baby because the baby's rights to be protected from witnessing abuse are paramount.

mydietstartsmonday Sun 27-Nov-16 22:10:29

You know it is over, so you need to distance yourself from him. Tell him his input into this relationship is up to him. You don't want anything , move on, enjoy your bump of joy.

Drinkstoomuchjuice Sun 27-Nov-16 22:11:41

Thank you all again. I cannot tell you how much you have helped. For the first time in weeks the knot in my stomach has loosened! I am going to go and have a bath and get ready for bed, and hope that I can sleep a little more soundly tonight. Thank you, all of you. We will make this work, dd and I have always made a wonderful team, and hopefully the new addition will only add to that. Thank you x

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett Sun 27-Nov-16 22:15:53

If you really don't want to block his phone (although I think you should) Get a new SIM and number - don't tell him the number. Then just swap sims and check for messages from him once a week or so. I feel that will immediately give you enough headspace to work out your next move. You can't think clearly if you jump every time your phone bleeps.

ymmv Sun 27-Nov-16 22:16:28

It worries me that you say that you've tried to tell him it's over but he pushes back.

You tell him it's over and you don't need to explain or justify that especially if it's dragging the whole thing out. If he continues to harass you you keep a log of each incidence and make the police aware.

Drinkstoomuchjuice Sun 27-Nov-16 22:18:09

That is an utterly genius idea, thank you! I don't know why I feel so uncomfortable about blocking him, I just do for now. Ok, I really am going to go now, otherwise I will hang around on here all night and then rue it in the morning!!

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