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Just found out I'm pregnant! 20 y/o student!

(21 Posts)
user1479815160 Tue 22-Nov-16 12:51:18

Hi everyone, so I'm kinda new to this.

I'm 20 (21 in a couple of months) and recently came off my pill for health reasons, I was planning to switch to another. My partner and I had been having protected sex but something must have gone wrong, I know condoms don't always work!
Basically, I missed my period today so went and got a clearblue test - it came up positive. Faint, but positive. I'm pretty sure I must have conceived on 5th November, meaning I'd be due 5th August 2017.

Here are the problems:-
1. I'm a student. I've just started my third year of university and study full-time whilst also working part-time. Juggling this with a pregnancy will be difficult, I know. Also it means that I might have to delay starting a career right out of uni, like most students. I'd also be quite heavily pregnant when it comes to taking my exams in June, but I think I'd be able to manage.

2. Am I ready? I know only I can answer this question. On my way home with the sealed pregnancy test in my bag, all I kept thinking was, 'I really want this.' Now it's actually true, I'm terrified of course, but also have a little bubble of excitement.

3. My SO - he and I have only been together about 6 months. We met and instantly hit it off; at the time I was actually with someone else but broke it off to enter a relationship with my now-boyfriend. He's a wonderful guy in his mid-20s with a degree, flat and full-time job. We've talked about marriage and the future and he always tells me how much he can't wait to marry me and have kids - in that order. I don't know how he's going to feel when I tell him things will be the wrong way round. I'm scared he'll want me to terminate the pregnancy because he feels like it'll be 'the right thing' for me, but he'd never push me into it and I know he'd always be supportive, I just don't want to make this decision alone. The other problem is that he lives an hour on the train away from where I live (at my university, with friends).

4. My parents. They're very conservative people, they even think living together before marriage is bad! I know they'll be really disappointed and let down, especially after funding me through uni for me to not get a career out of it straight away.

Has anybody got any advice, experience or help with this?

Thanks, H x

MidnightBreeze1 Tue 22-Nov-16 13:30:40

Hey OP,

One thing you'll probably hear a lot is if you want to make it work you will especially in this situation!

I fell pregnant after 3 months after meeting my ex and although we have now split we said we'd make it work!

The positive for you is that you'll have a career to start once you decide to go back to work!

Once I finish maternity I cannot afford to work & same goes with not working however I know it'll work out eventually because my baby's life & needs come first.

Just focus on your growing baby & cross bridges when you come to them, I thought I had to have everything planned within days of finding out I was pregnant however I now just go with it.

As for family or friends, you could be judged on anything you do or don't do, a baby is a good & positive thing....don't worry about anyone else's thoughts or judgements!

Good luck! Xxxx

IAmAPaleontologist Tue 22-Nov-16 13:40:04

Congratulations :-)

I had my first as a student, then bf is now dh and we have 3 children. Yes, i delayed career but that was choice. I didn't really know what i wanted to do and dh had a decent graduate job so it was a joint decision for me to be a sahm. That baby is approaching 10, our youngest started school in September and i have in the meantime done further study and I'm about to start my new job.

Everything is doable. It will be tough, you'll be tired but you can do it and graduate. Even if you have complications then there are ways to defer your finals. Have a chat with your uni.

gingernut0106 Tue 22-Nov-16 13:44:57

Hi, I also got pregnant during university (way back in 1998!) during my placement year. I chose to take a year off (which turned into 2 years) to raise the baby. I eventually finished my degree through distance learning so not actually on campus but that was due to circumstances. It was hard, very hard at times but I have never had any regrets and actually being a young mum worked out great. Ok so I never had any money and my now 18 year old is challenging at times but we also understand each other and have a great bond. If you want to make it work then it will, and family will accept it (perhaps slowly but they will), hopefully all with your current OH, but please do what you are comfortable doing and don't be pressured into anything that you'll regret later on. Good luck with it all xxx

HollowTalk Tue 22-Nov-16 13:52:31

Sorry, but I wouldn't go ahead with this. It's such early days; I would go to my doctor immediately.

You don't know your partner well enough.
You're in the middle of your final year at university.
You're so young - your twenties should be an exciting time when you're discovering a career, working hard, travelling, etc.

Leopard12 Tue 22-Nov-16 14:18:56

6 months is a short time to be with someone especially when you don't live close and haven't lived together before, so even though you are in love now, consider how you would bring this baby up alone, would that influence the decision or are you willing to do it alone if need be? You need to discuss it with him and a real life friend

Hellmouth Tue 22-Nov-16 14:24:56

I think that only you and your OH can decide if you're ready, especially since you're a student now. There are emotional and financial implications here. Unless you quit university now and start working, you won't save any money and you won't be entitled to maternity benefits. Actually, i'm not even sure you would get any of that even if you did start working now! Can your OH afford to shoulder the majority of the costs? Also, I agree with HollowTalk.

I do know someone who was pregnant after a month of being with their OH, and they have now been married for over 20 years, but that was a different time and they were both working.

I personally was only with DP for 10 months before I found out I was pregnant, but I am in my early 30s, he is in his late 20s, and we both work full time. If the situation had been different, I do not think I would have been able to go ahead with the pregnancy.

I know we can't tell you what to do, all I can really recommend is that you speak to your OH as quickly as possible so you can make a decision together. You also should think about what you would do if he decides he doesn't want a baby right now, though.

MidnightBreeze1 Tue 22-Nov-16 14:28:38

When I fell pregnant I'd only been with my ex for 12 weeks....I wouldn't abort my child simply because of time spent with the biological father.....We've split now and il be raising this baby alone, however that doesn't stop me even if someone said id have to live in a mud hut in the rain forest I still won't give my baby up!

A baby is a baby whether you've spent 5 minutes or 5 years with someone...if you don't want to risk getting pregnant then it's simple really.....don't have sex

I agree it sounds harsh and what not, I wouldn't class myself as pro life however I feel it unnecessary that so many women are having abortions because it simply doesn't fit in with their lives yet continue to have sex! A friend of mine who is no longer a friend has had 5 abortions.....yes it's her body however I won't accept an abortion as a normal everyday practice, I see why countries ban them!

TiltedNewt Tue 22-Nov-16 14:33:55

I sat exams whilst pregnant and did awful. I passed (just) but had previously been getting firsts. It's not just the inconvenience of trying to fit behind the exam table, my concentration and memory and ability to even understand the subject were affected. If you choose to go ahead with this it might be worth speaking to your uni about deferring a year (unless you think you wouldn't go back to it, in which case a lower mark is better than no mark).

DragonNoodleCake Tue 22-Nov-16 14:34:07

I feel pregnant just after uni in 1999. OH and I only together 3 months. I put my career on hold and went ahead. It was hard and I ended up in my own - but I did it! Just talk to you OH honestly and openly.
You said you kinda do feel a bit pleased - so adding a congrats they are gorgeous after all

Leopard12 Tue 22-Nov-16 14:35:08

5 abortions is pretty ridiculous, but if my contraception failed and it didn't fit into my lifestyle then yes I would probably get an abortion especially very early on, if I did have the baby then yes I would do everything I could for it and put it first but it changes your life dramatically and forever so I would put my own life first in the early stages on pregnancy. And no one else including a government should be able to force a women to continue against her wishes no matter what the reason is.

Dozer Tue 22-Nov-16 14:38:23

The decision is not for your bf, it's only for you. Since you don't yet know your partner well (warm words about marriage etc are meaningless and OTT so soon into a relationship) it'd be sensible to assume that if you have the baby you could, in the short to medium term, become a single parent.

Set aside your family's possible reaction.

It should be fine to complete your degree while pregnant.

YepYep1 Tue 22-Nov-16 14:39:42

I got pregnant just before my last year of uni (2.5 years ago) had been with my OH 2.5 years at this point too. He was excited but like you i had a part time job, about to tackle my last year at uni and the second i saw the positive pregnancy test j had doubts. To me, that was a very clear sign i wasnt ready for it. We didn't go through with the pregnancy. Now after getting my degree, our own place and a full time job we have a beautiful 10 week old baby girl. Even now its bloody hard work so i know, personally, i couldnt have dealt with it back then and OH agrees. Obviously the decision yours. Good luck.

toomuchtimereadingthreads2016 Tue 22-Nov-16 14:52:36

Very very similar situation to my own in 2013, I was:

Just turned 21 the month I got my BFP. Had been with my partner for just over a year, also older than me more settled into adult life etc. Was in the September of my final year of uni, and found out we would have a baby in July, and was freaking terrified. I was studying in UK but my family and partner both lived in a different country, where I had just come back from doing my placement. Was happy for us and our baby but distraught thinking of my parents etc.

My parents got over it surprisingly quickly (like in one evening) and were more supportive than I would have imagined at all knowing them beforehand!

I was heavily pregnant when I did my exams, so was given a room to myself to take them in so that I could take breaks if necessary, eat and drink during exams etc. I got a 2:1 (probably could have done better, but very happy considering the circumstances!) My partner and I got married in a wonderfully happy day with all our friends and family.

Fast forward a few years, we have a beautiful two year old daughter and now expecting second (planned!) baby this summer. We both have good jobs; career prospects don't disappear just because you start looking for them six months later than expected! I couldn't be happier with how our lives have turned out.

Obviously thats just my experience, not saying there wasnt any stress, tears, exhaustion etc mixed up in that quick summary but overall everything has been overwhelmingly positive. Just wanted to share my story with you, feel free to message me if you have any questions etc Congratulations! xxxx

Cherryskypie Tue 22-Nov-16 15:02:30

If you want to continue the pregnancy be prepared to do it on your own without support from your DP or parents. If they do provide support, great, but there's no guarantees your DP will stick around or that your parents will step up. It's not an easy path to take and will complicate everything from where you live to your ability to work. Make sure it's what you want.

MakeItStopNeville Tue 22-Nov-16 15:07:23

This reads like my story when I was 20, even down to worrying about telling the parents! I got pregnant in my second year. I gave birth the day after my last 2nd year exam and went back in the September to complete. It was tough but am so glad I did it. The pregnancy didn't affect my studies at all. Having a newborn and studying and no money did though! You aren't the first student to get pregnant and your won't be the last. Go see your student advisor and they will have plenty of information for you.

Look, it's not ideal and it's definitely not going to be easy but if you want it, you'll work it out. It doesn't mean you can't have a career or go travelling, etc. and it doesn't mean your life is over either.

I'm now happily married to my DP and we have more kids. We have worked really hard together to make the life we have now. I'm a bit of an old romantic though and knew deep down we could make this work, even when I was sat in shock looking at the test result.

You need to really think hard about what you want and trust your instincts. And don't worry about telling your parents, take their reaction out of the equation altogether. You're an adult now and can think for yourself. This is up to you and your DP. Good luck!

Solange1973 Tue 22-Nov-16 15:07:45

You're not my daughter, are you? Cause you sure sound like her!
All jokes apart, I had my first daughter at 22 while a student. I'd only been with her dad for 6 months when I got pregnant. I did graduate and achieved several post graduate courses. I am still with her father and we have two more children and 3 businesses going. It wasn't always easy or plain sailing but we did it. I hope it helps but the choice is yours. Best wishes.

mikesh909 Tue 22-Nov-16 15:23:30

Hey OP,

Here are my thoughts on your problems....

1. Speaking as a currently heavily pregnant comrade, (38+5) juggling life and pregnancy is tough. That is regardless of what your life constitutes. It would be tough if you were a year further along and working rather than studying. It would be tough if you were unemployed and looking for a job. It would be tough if you were a stay at home mother with existing children. If you plan on ever carrying a pregnancy to term, you can bank on it being tough. No more so for your present obligations of exams, etc.

Speaking as a graduate, with few exceptions there are no guarantees of 'starting a career' when university ends. Most people struggle along doing something unpaid and / or only distantly connected to their chosen fields for a while at least. I think you would be in a worse position if you were (for example) 2 years in to working life and looking at pausing your career that potentially would just be getting interesting at that point.

2./3. This current pregnancy is my second unplanned one. The first (with a now ex partner) ended in MC almost as soon as I realised it was happening. When I found out about this one, at around 6 months in to the relationship, a large deciding factor for me was whether I would one day want to have a child with the person in question. I was very aware that essentially you have a lot less control than most people think over if / when you have a child. The fantasy of meet sb, fall in love, propose, get married, stabilise career & finances, have babies is mostly just that - a fantasy.

3. On the point of living in different cities, August is a long way away and you have time to figure out where you would want to live if you decided to move in with your partner. Presumably you will be moving out of your student accommodation at the end of the academic year anyway?

4. Re. parents, see points above on managing expectations on immediate career and accepted order of life events. This may come as a shock to them but at the end of the day it is your life to live. Their financing you through your years of education does not give them the right to dictate the terms of your future.

Do you want a baby? Do you want this baby with this person? Pregnancy is long and hard. I am told you get something wonderful at the end of it. You say you don't want to make the decision alone, but it is you who has to do it alone, albeit (hopefully) with supportive people around. Good luck with your decision.

PS Take folic acid in the meantime while you mull it over. It's these early weeks when it really counts

MrsChrisPratt Tue 22-Nov-16 15:46:08

Slightly different story to most here, but I met my DH at university and knew within 6 months (less actually!) that he was the one, so you may be young, but you could be right. We did everything in the 'right' order, graduate jobs, mortgage, marriage, savings then started trying for a baby. It didn't happen. For years and years it didn't happen. Its taken us 4 rounds of IVF to get pregnant and we have lost one child along the way. None of the other stuff is anywhere near as important, but you do need it long term. Finish your education, and if you want to (it sounds like you do), have the baby. The rest will come later, as others have said, opportunities won't magically disappear because you look a few months/years later.

Pregnancy is extremely precious and it is not a small decision to just throw it away. I am absolutely pro choice, but only if it is right for you. Not what your parents want or what some strangers on the internet advise you to do because they think your relationship won't last, only you can know that, and only you can know if you can do it along if need be.

Sheepersfluff Tue 22-Nov-16 15:49:18

I got pregnant at your age and in the same situation and chose to terminate. I don't regret it at all, I'm no longer with my boyfriend from that time and no way would I want to go through uni and have a baby at the same time.

I'm 28 now and had a baby last year and it's FUCKING hard work - no way I could have done it back then.

Only you can make the decision that's right for you flowers

lilydaisyrose Tue 22-Nov-16 15:52:55

Hi OP,

Good luck to you in what you decide. Just make sure YOU make the decision.

If you think you conceived on 5th November though, you haven't dated your pregnancy properly. It doesn't really matter at this stage as you'll get the date from your 12/13w dating scan but just so you know, your pregnancy is dated from the first day of your last period and 40w is counted from that day.

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