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Am I being immature?

(26 Posts)
Rosetree123 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:05:04

Hi, my dp came home a few weeks ago and told me that his mothers best friend who is a midwife is going to be delivering our baby. I told him that i was sorry but i didnt really feel comfortable with it and would rather it was someone i completely didnt know. It hasn't been mentioned again until last night and i explained to him I understood that he trusts her but i still would prefer i didnt know the midewife who delivers our baby. He just said that she has delivered all his mums friends babies and that I am being immature. I feel a bit upset how his mother has discussed and planned this with her friend without me, I have only met her friend a couple of times. I just think i would feel awkward and prefer my midwife to be someone I most likely wont sew again. Am i being immature?

FenellaMaxwell Fri 18-Nov-16 09:06:32

Right. How does that work?! Are you supposed to hang on and go into labour at the exact point she happens to be on shift?

Rosetree123 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:08:31

I also asked the same thing and he just said that she can ask to be put on call for when I go into labour. I just don't feel comfortable with it at all.

Desmondo2016 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:10:08

You're not being immature. I think I'd feel the same as you. Your Labour, your choice

Giratina Fri 18-Nov-16 09:10:37

You are the one giving birth, not your husband or his mum. If you're not comfortable with the idea then don't be railroaded into it, and I wouldn't like the idea either. I know there's meant to be confidentiality for HCPs but I'd bet she'd be blabbing all the details to your MIL anyway.

FenellaMaxwell Fri 18-Nov-16 09:12:40

Just state firmly that you feel there is a conflict of interest.

If you don't wish to discuss it with your husband, talk to the midwife at your next appointment and have it put on your notes that you don't want to be attended by her.

Penfold007 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:13:34

Unless she is an independent midwife I dont understand how she could do this. Speak to your antenatal midwife.

Rosetree123 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:14:03

Thank you, I was starting to question myself because he kept going on about how it is the most natural thing and she does it all the time. Just dont like the fact I would need to see her again knowing that she has seen everything about me!

girlwithamoonandstaronherhead Fri 18-Nov-16 09:14:14

No you are not being immature. I realised in my own birth that feeling emotionally comfortable is really essential, your body and mind work together. I attribute my first emergency c-section to a stressful environment during labour. Perhaps you could explain that to your dh?

TimeForCakeAgain Fri 18-Nov-16 09:15:34

You need to be comfortable in labour. Whilst you probably won't care by the time you are in labour, if you are supressing yourself e.g. thinking I can't shout/swear/walk around naked that won't be good for the progression of the labour. Yes she will have seen it hundreds of times before but it is about how you feel. I'm sure it is done with good intentions and lots of people would like having someone they know and can trust but it is your labour and should be your decision. (By the way I am not normally one to say all that matters is your feelings, but I feel in labour it is justified).

FenellaMaxwell Fri 18-Nov-16 09:16:29

She might do it all the time, but YOU don't - it's your body and your choice.

AnotherEmma Fri 18-Nov-16 09:16:39

You are pregnant. You are giving birth. You, and only you, get to decide how and where you want to give birth. You wouldn't usually get to decide which midwife you have, unless you are paying for a private midwife or doula, but you certainly have the right to say if there is anyone you don't want to be involved.

Is your partner pushy or controlling when it comes to other decisions? Does he often call you "immature" and criticise if you disagree with him?

ByeByeLilSebastian Fri 18-Nov-16 09:17:21

If you never see her why are you worried?

I don't like your DPs attitude though. You are the one that will be in labour so it is completely your choice. Speak to your midwife.

mudandmayhem01 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:20:32

What a ridiculous idea, if this midwife is employed by the NHS, she can't possibly suddenly abandon the woman assigned to her if you go into labour. She could face disciplinary procedures if chooses going to you rather than responding to the clinical needs of the labour ward as instructed by senior colleagues. If she is not currently employed she wouldn't have relevant insurance and would only be able to support you in labour as a doula or birth partner would.

panad317 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:22:30

You're not being immature. I would tell DP that you no longer want to discuss it, and see what happens on the day. Chances are, it's not going to be her. And if she is working when you're in labour you can ask for another midwife. By this point DP will know that you can't argue with a woman in labour grin

Sierra259 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:23:57

You are not being immature in the slightest. This has NOTHING to do with your MIL and her friend (who, if she is still happy to be involved with this knowing you aren't keen, is not being very professional). And I'd be pointing out to your DH that you're the one who will be pushing this baby out, so you get the final say on how that happens and who with! Am angry on your behalf.

Rosetree123 Fri 18-Nov-16 09:24:30

AnotherEmma - No he is not usually pushy or controlling. I already have a dc and know exactly what labour is like. This will be dp's first child, I think hes just being a typical male and doesnt understand what it is like for a female in labour.

ByeByeLilSebastian - I see her at his family parties and have a feeling I will be seeing her more often once our daughter is born.

Blossomdeary Fri 18-Nov-16 09:25:53

My third child was delivered by a midwife friend who happened to be on duty that day - I knew the other midwife who was helping as well as I worked at the hospital. Quite frankly at the time I would not have given a toss if Harry Potter had been delivering her!

I don't think you are immature, just anxious and latching on to small things to worry about. Just go with the flow and relax.

ByeByeLilSebastian Fri 18-Nov-16 09:34:21

It wouldn't bother me, but that's just me.

Give your midwife a ring and explain.

AnotherEmma Fri 18-Nov-16 09:44:31

I don't think he is necessarily "being a typical male" - I know a lot of first-time dads who have been nothing but supportive of their partners during pregnancy and birth, and would never dream of making any declarations about which midwife would deliver the baby (or any other major decisions about the birth).

As he is a first-time dad, I recommend the book "Pregnancy for Men" by Mark Woods. Perhaps you could get him a copy and ask him to read it.

Have you booked antenatal classes and is he going with you? That should also help him to understand your POV.

TataEs Fri 18-Nov-16 09:50:58

just tell the midwife at ur next appointment that a family friend has said she has asked to be on call for the delivery of your baby but you are not comfortable with this and what can they do to ensure she is not in the delivery room when you are in labour?

i had an nhs midwife who was awful to me and i ended up with another midwife instead. the awful midwife turned up when i had just given birth, i told her to 'leave' (snarled in a way u can only pull off when a human has just exited ur body) and the midwife in the room made her.

SpeakNoWords Fri 18-Nov-16 10:03:05

What I would be beyond annoyed about is the organisation of this without your knowledge or agreement. Then the presenting of it to you as a done deal. I'd be livid. It's entirely up to you who is involved in delivering your baby, your partner doesn't get to dictate what happens to you. You are not being immature, your partner is being inconsiderate and thoughtless at best, or controlling at worst. It isn't typically male behaviour, my DP is another one who understood without any issues that giving birth is something that happens to the woman so she gets to decide what happens or not.

If he'd have come home to you and asked if you'd consider whether you'd like this woman to be involved, and then explained why he thought that was a good idea, that would have been reasonable.

Rosetree123 Fri 18-Nov-16 10:03:37

Thanks everyone, I am going to talk to my midwife at my next app.

AnotherEmma - Yes we are going to antenatal classes together. I have already bought him books that he has read but thanks for the suggestion. He has been very supportive with everything else, just can't get his head around the fact his mothers friends have had their babies delivered by her and I don't feel comfortable with it. They know and are close to her though and so is he, I on the other hand as I've said before barely know her.

Rosetree123 Fri 18-Nov-16 10:12:24

SpeakNoWords - I totally agree with you, his mother and her friend speaking about this without me being there upset me. I let dp know they had absolutely no right to decide this without speaking to me first. I told him to tell her that I didn't want this happening and to let her know that I hope it didn't offend her but I would rather she didn't. I have also told him it isnt up for discussion anymore so hope he doesn't bring it up again. I am going to do what everyone has suggested and talk to my midwife. Thanks!

SunnySideDownUp Fri 18-Nov-16 10:31:46

You're not being immature, you're within your rights to say that you don't want this person not to be present at your birth!

My midwife friend will be present at the birth of my baby. She had to get authorisation to do so. I think (pregnancy brain!) that I had a form to sign as well.

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