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Feeling lost Just found out and our reaction was not what we thought

(22 Posts)
Hekabe Wed 16-Nov-16 11:05:26

Hello out there.

We've recently found out that we are expecting (6 weeks potentially). Back in Jan we came off the pill to get ready for when we where... ready. We've been pretty relaxed, not actively trying, but agreeing that if something happened then we'd be good with it. We have a house, businesses, a steady happy life. I'm 31, he's 33.

But, now something has happened. And our first reaction was a very nervous smile, but a smile none-the-less. Then - not so much. And its been 4 days. And neither of us are jumping for joy. I asked DH if it was fear, but he noted that he doesn't feel scared of being a parent, but simply that he loves our lives, and I have to agree. It's almost like: if it ain't broke, don't fix it. We love impromptu dinners out. We both run our own businesses and find that that comes first for both of us, though it is stressful.

DH commented that it feels like we would be adding another stress to our lives when we are already tired. Again that is a worry. Obviously a child changes your life - and we love our lives right now. Why change it?

We've seen family and friends have the joy of children - but also the tear-your-hair out, over tired, hard work that goes with it! And suddenly - we are asking ourselves, if we want children at all?

We both agree if we have them, we would love them, and support one another. But then we are also looking at the road less traveled... a life of exploring, loving our dogs, weekends away - hiking adventures, and spoiling our nephews (and then going home to our quiet house afterwards). Are we too selfish for kids?

We are literally stuck in the middle of not not wanting kids, but also not really wanting them. If we're not utterly thrilled (and we've noticed, many people are when they find out), should we really be parents?

Any kind advice on your first thoughts would be much appreciated. I appear to be crying at everything at the moment. I cry at not having them, and having them!

user1471534185 Wed 16-Nov-16 11:10:19

too late now! I bet its shock that's all you will get used to the idea and will probably be the best thing you ever did.

Inthenick Wed 16-Nov-16 11:12:21

Don't worry. It's normal not to know how to feel. It's literally a pivot in life the birth of your first child.

I promise it will all be fine.

TeddyIsaHe Wed 16-Nov-16 11:12:35

Please, please don't worry. My dp and I were basically exactly the same as you, in fact when I got my first positive test the first thing he said to me was "I wish you'd made breakfast first." We were too in shock to do anything! It wasn't until we had the 12 week scan and we saw her wiggling and bouncing around that I think we really connected the pregnancy to positive feelings. I'm now 32 weeks and we are so excited to meet her.

I think it's completely normal to not jump for joy, it is a huge change, and once it's happened its suddenly real, instead of a possibility. Keep communicating with each other, and don't beat yourself up for not feeling how you think you should.

Backingvocals Wed 16-Nov-16 11:19:30

You're just being sensible. You're obviously thoughtful people who don't get caught up in nonsense. This is good news for your career as parents!

I remember shortly after I had DD, a (then) childless friend asked me if I was "blissed out". I couldn't understand what she was on about. I was exhausted, covered in sick, hardly knew my own name and was looking after a little screaming thing that I didn't know from Adam.

I don't do gushing. I do thoughtful and truthful. Sounds like you do too. Rest assured even if you are thoughtful and truthful, you will get there. You don't need to be emoting all the time. You can acknowledge the hard work and the changes to your life that are to come and feel trepidation. But the chances are, when the baby is here (or sooner perhaps, when you've had a chance to come to terms with the shock), you will start to engage.

Now, ten years on from that screaming ball, I can safely say this is the best thing I've ever done.

AlchemySchmidtsSmile Wed 16-Nov-16 11:19:39

Noons else is saying it so I will. Clearly it's not too late now. It is, in fact, very early days and whilst personally it isn't something I could do, noone is forcing you to have this child. You could have an abortion. And then go back onto contraception.
If that idea is abhorrent to you, there you are, you have your answer. If the thought of a miscarriage fills you with dread, likewise: you do want this baby. If it would be a relief/blessing in disguise then perhaps you ought to be considering a termination. Whilst I am pro-life for me, I will always be pro-choice for others.

AlchemySchmidtsSmile Wed 16-Nov-16 11:28:53

But I feel I need to add...I am not sure there is ever a time when you feel ready. I certainly don't think anything can prepare you for the impact of having a child. And I don't subscribe to kids "give your life meaning" bs: you have to get up and step up, yes. That is not a purpose, it's a goddamn necessity. And you do have to be selfless to a large extent ...but it's very few parents who don't love their kids unconditionally. You would die for them, whether you regret having them or not. You are still young but in your 30s the clock is already ticking: if you cannot imagine life without kids then it's often easier sooner rather than later, certainly physically ime. Good luck.

maroda16 Wed 16-Nov-16 11:29:54

I think it's always a shock to discover that you're pregnant, even when it was planned, it takes a while to sink in. I had my first baby this year, I run my own business and Dh has a very demanding g full time job. I couldn't have imagined ever stepping back from my work and not being able to just go somewhere, but I took 7 months off and it was great, business survived without me, and you can still go out spontaneously, you'll just have your lovely baby to bring with you. Congratulations, give it time to sink in, you'll be fine!!smileflowers

jel2014 Wed 16-Nov-16 11:31:40

You sound very sensible. My DS is now 16 months and we always knew we want kids but I remember those early weeks with a new born and I was questioning everything you have raise here. I was like what have we done, we will never ever have fun again! so you sound very sensible realising this now. What I would say is that 16 months down the line, its brilliant, we still go out for dinner with and without DS, we've been on a mini break without him and lots of holidays with him. Key to this is having support around you. Do you have that?

Its been so great that we are now expecting a second. I wont say it hasn't been hard, the lack of sleep is a killer but every day it gets easier and better. You will also be surprised about how much you can do with a child and on so little sleep.

the only thing i would say is that you both run your own businesses. DH runs his own too and so my job has to take a back seat to his so I think you do need to think how you manage this part. Could you get an assistant or recruit staff to take on more so you can step back for a few months at least?

Agree with others, general feelings of doubt are common in early pregnancy. 2nd time around I was doubting myself and the hormones and feeling sick etc don't help. These feelings may also lift once you enter the 2nd tri? But equally if you don't think you can carry on the pregnancy that is your choice and you do have options, but don't rush a decision and allow for crazy hormones!

Oliversmumsarmy Wed 16-Nov-16 11:35:37

I just thought it was me who thought like that till I spoke to my friends about their reaction on finding out they were pregnant. I think tv and films have a lot to answer to.

Definitely the best thing I have ever done. We also travelled a lot. Nothing changed fundamentally, we just had little ones along with us.

All of our childless friends dumped us but having met some of them briefly over the years, dd and ds are teenagers, I can honestly say I couldn't imagine being in that group of people. They all appear to be growing into middle aged alcoholics and appear so much older than those the same age with children

kiki22 Wed 16-Nov-16 11:36:19

I was in more shock with my planned baby than my unplanned one. I think the unplanned it was oops oh well to late to worry now and the planned one it was oh my god what have I done I wouldn't be without either of them. Its also not always that had while I dont find parenting super easy I think its 70% good 20% a bit stressy and 10% I'm selling these kids.

Bella1985 Wed 16-Nov-16 12:38:07

Hi hekabe on paper you sound very similar to me. I'm also 31, good job, house, good relationship, love our freedom and travelling. We decided to try for a baby this year and I'm currently 33 weeks pregnant. Our first reaction was more of a "holy shit we're pregnant, it actually worked" with a 'I can't quite believe it' type smile. Not the jumping for joy as seen on tv. The realisation and acceptance that our lives will change drastically is a slow process and one that still hits us every now and then. Our social circle involves impromptu nights out, meals and drinks, cocktails and dancing. We haven't stopped attendning these entirely but I've found it hard not to be able to stay out late (tiredness) and miss having a drink. In 3rd trimester eating out at night is uncomfortable as I can't sleep with a full belly so even that doesn't happen very often anymore. DH had to miss out on a big celebration at work last night as we had our first antenatal class. He was devestated to miss out, but this is something we both wanted and agonised over for a while. I will always miss our old lives, but getting closer to the birth I can't wait to meet our baby and embrace our new lives as parents. We're planning to go on holiday with friends with the baby at 4months so looking forward to keep up with our travelling and showing the world to our baby. Listening to friends and colleagues plan their xmas parties is hard as I won't experience them this year the same way as I did last year, however, I think back to why we decided to try for a baby and it was a decision we made because we wanted a family of our own. We imagined ourselves at 50 drinking everynight and selfishly spending all of our money on food and lavish items for ourselves (this was the road we were heading down - I'm certainly not suggesting all childless couples are like this) and felt that we'd had a decade of putting ourselves first, and now was the right time to expand our family.

I've spoken to friends without kids about this and realised that some of them are incredibly envious of my pregnancy as they desperately want a child but are having problems or they're not financially stable or some other reason. We're incredibly fortunate to have had an easy pregnancy so far and we really can't wait to meet our baby and adjust to our new lives, but it's still normal to worry about the change ahead.

hekabe you sound like a thinker, so take a look at your situation. Are you simply worried about the unkown and the changes ahead, or is this a deeper issue? You decided to try for a baby- what brought about that decision? Now that reality has hit it's very easy to forget why you wanted one in the first place. A pp asked how you feel about miscarriage, that's a good indication of whether or not you want this to continue. I believe in choice, so good luck if you decide to abort. But also rest assured that you won't be the first or the last to have these feelings so good luck if you decide to continue with the pregnancy.

Bloopbleep Wed 16-Nov-16 14:00:16

I'm 7weeks pregnant and it's not my first child and I still think wtf am I doing? It was something we wanted and we'd been trying for a long time. There is a period where you'll grieve for your previous life and the things you could do with ease when childfree but it's also amazing and changes life for the better. You'll (eventually) experience a love you didn't know was possible. Everything for me was massively different (dd1 was a huge surprise and I was on the pill) but I wouldn't change it for a second.

PippaRose Wed 16-Nov-16 18:58:03

For me it was something to get used to gradually, and even though I'm now 30 weeks and feeling huge it still doesn't feel real. It is such a big change and a lot to get used to.

PeachBellini123 Wed 16-Nov-16 19:17:00

Both myself and DH were happy when we found out (am now 34 weeks) but it was a massive shock even though we'd been trying. I don't think either of us slept well that night!

I do still have moments when I feel nervous and a bit overwhelmed at the idea it would be just the 2 of us for much longer.

It's a massive life change. I would say the 'nice' bits are still to come for you: the scans, feeling the baby kick, hearing the heartbeat etc. Those are really wonderful times and makes it feel a bit more real!

Blueskyrain Sun 20-Nov-16 17:46:43

I'm you (almost identical circumstances), but I'm a few weeks ahead of you. I'm still feeling the same, and if I'm honest, I hate being pregnant with a passion. But we had a plan, and are sticking to it.

Maybe we should have a reluctant women support thread on here. There are more of us than you'd think.

I've had moments of being quietly happy, but others of being hysterically upset about both being pregnant, and having a child - wtf am I having a child when I don't even like babies, lol.

We'll get through it, but have a virtual hug from me for now.

Ps, my current thinking is that we do this parenting malarkey OUR way. For me that means lots of involvement from grandparents early on, so we can still go out. It means arrangements with friends with kids to mutually provide babysitting, and making sure that for us, parenting is 50-50, and we both have sufficient time to not feel too trapped by this new life. Who knows how it will pan out, but that's the plan!

Grace19 Sun 20-Nov-16 19:36:14

I'm 19 and in my second year at uni and at the beginning of October I found out I was pregnant. I told the guy who's it was (who is 27 and works where we both live) and his reaction was the same as mine. Confusion and shock. We were never together and we still aren't together but being 200 miles away from him and not telling anyone at uni is becoming more and more difficult. We both assumed we'd get rid of it but now neither of us know what to do. I haven't told anyone and he's only told a couple of people from his football team. I just need some advice/ someone to talk to about it

PippaRose Sun 20-Nov-16 19:55:12

Hi Grace19

Am sure there are a lot of others who would be better placed to help you, have you been to see the gp as of yet and do you know how far along you are? Sounds very tough not having anyone to talk to. There is a pregnancy choices board on here which may help and provide more support fro others who have been through similar.

Are you able to go home for a bit to talk things through with the Dad?

I'm sure the doctor will be able to help you and let you know what support is available

littlefrenchonion Sun 20-Nov-16 21:34:58

The first week after finding out with DD I remember having "oh god, what have we done?" feelings. My mantra that week was "breathe.. You are ok... It will be FINE" husband was also quite quiet once the initial shock had set in, so I think it's normal. My brother was the same - he rang me crying with fear when he found out his GF was expecting and that was after they'd been trying for a few years! She is 19 months now and the absolute light of our lives. Yes it changes things, but you won't mind. Promise. I look back at pre-DC me and feel sorry for myself, she has brought so much love and happiness into our lives. You'll be just fine.

haveacupoftea Sun 20-Nov-16 22:12:42

I think its normal to feel that way even about a much wanted pregnancy. But what we are getting in return is so much better than lavish dinners and weekends away. Luckily most of my friends have kids too so I know it's possible to still be me after I have the baby.

sj257 Mon 21-Nov-16 00:09:41

I've felt similar this time, it's our third baby but the other two are older and it's scary how much all of our lives are going to change. It's normal I think, it's a big change, but not necessarily a bad one 😊

JasperPotato Thu 01-Dec-16 19:25:23

I feel like I could have written this, except for the dogs. We don't have dogs.

Husband and I are both 41, TTC for two years, and when I felt like something was up last weekend and took a test, I was surprised by my own reaction to those two blue lines. I was surprised but not jumping for joy, despite thinking that I've wanted this for so long!

I'm thinking, at least for us, due to being older the excitement will come once we've had a scan and we're out of the 'danger zone'. I keep telling myself that if we make it to the end, there will be so many hormones that make me love our baby that I will completely forget there was once a time where I was unsure.

I have to say OP, I think no matter which path you take there will always be a time in your that you experience a pang of regret.

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