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Cousin lost her baby we were pregnant at the same time

(28 Posts)
Sophieeleanorxx Mon 14-Nov-16 21:54:52

Hi ladies just looking for some advice my cousin and I were pregnant at the same time she was 10 weeks ahead. I never really see her or keep in contact I probably see her every three years or so, I seen her at my grandmas 90th party in August and we were both so excited and we promised to keep in touch and that I'd go up to London and visit once baby is here. Anyway unfortunately she lost her little girl at 34 weeks due to preeclampsia. I didn't bother to contact her because I didn't know what to say she doesn' have fb and I didn't have her number but I could of got in contact if I wanted too. The guilt is eating me up inside if I post anything baby tek

Sophieeleanorxx Mon 14-Nov-16 21:56:23

Posted before I finished! As I was saying the guilt is eating me up inside. She now has Facebook and whenever I post anything baby related she doesn't show an interest or anything. Should I contact her or is it to late now?

fuzzywuzzy Mon 14-Nov-16 22:01:27

How long ago was it, I'd send her flowers and a card and heartfelt condolences.

She's your cousin you can't completely ignore her loss.

fabulous01 Mon 14-Nov-16 22:14:55

Ok. I have been there from both sides of issue.
This isn't about you. She lost a child and to deal with it involves breathing. And that is hard.
With Facebook she probably has turned off updates. She may go in and see pictures when she is able. She may not. To comment etc may be just a step too far
If you don't speak to her as a norm don't make it an issue. When time comes through a family gathering if she makes contact let her do it, in her time

Sophieeleanorxx Mon 14-Nov-16 22:22:42

I haven't ignored her loss people just deal with things differently I cried a lot when I found out just didn't know how to go about it. Because I don't see her often I'm not really that use to her so wouldn't even know what to say and this was in August.

YuckYuckEwwww Mon 14-Nov-16 22:24:58

How can you not contact her?

That's the absolute worst thing you can do, the people who contact you and get it wrong are forgivable, but it's the radio silence that hurts the most

LillyLollyLandy Mon 14-Nov-16 22:37:43

Send her a message saying you are thinking of her and that you are there for her if she needs you. Keep it short and simple, it's about her not you.

Cakescakescakes Mon 14-Nov-16 22:40:50

I think it's a bizarre to not even send her a card and then to now complain that she's not interested in your baby news.

StrawberryLeaf Mon 14-Nov-16 22:46:12

As yuck says I think you've done the wrong thing I'm not getting in touch.

Go right now and send a message, say you think of her and her baby (name if you know it) often and you are so sorry for her loss.

JosephineMaynard Mon 14-Nov-16 22:55:15

If you didn't contact her, it will probably seem to her that you've ignored her loss - she has no way of knowing that you cried a lot about it.

Could you send her a message apologising for not being in touch before and let her know that you've been thinking of her and are sorry for her loss?

As far as her ignoring your FB updates goes - her loss is still very recent, and she may find hearing about other people's pregnancies and babies too painful to deal with at the minute.

Sophieeleanorxx Mon 14-Nov-16 23:00:11

Yeah I know I agree I do really feel awful!
I could of sent her a card but like I said were not close so I don't even have an address for her. She married a Muslim man and kept her life very private so would of been difficult to get in contact with her. I think I will just send my love to her I'm sure she will understand.

Alb1 Mon 14-Nov-16 23:42:06

I lost my baby at 35 weeks earlier this year and asides from the obvious grief the worst thing has been people who I thought were friends completely ignoring what happened to us and just going on like it never happened. Its insane that you think it's odd she's not shown interest in your pregnancy when you've ignored her baby's passing. It's great that you want to put it right though, I would message her and say how sorry you were about their baby but that you thought they might just need space at the time, and offer to be here if she needs anything. Everyone handles grief differently but it may make her feel a tiny bit better knowing that you do care.

Equally there's a good chance that she's unfollowed you on Facebook so that she doesn't have to see pregnancy updates and she isn't even aware your posting stuff on there. Don't let guilt get you down though, it's hard to no what to do for the best in this situation and we're all human flowers

ComputerDog Tue 15-Nov-16 00:00:47

I think you should contact her now and just be honest, say you feel so guilty you didn't get in touch at the time but you didn't know what to say and how best to contact her.

Don't even mention your own baby, let her bring that up if and when she feels ready. I'm not surprised at all that she hasn't commented on it (congratulations though flowers)

I have a friend who I know has been trying for a baby for years, she's been through IVF more than once but unfortunately still no pregnancy. I had a baby earlier in the year and apart from one quick email to say congratulations she's never, ever mentioned my DD. I'm not offended in the slightest, I completely understand it. She's generally a very considerate and lovely person but I know this is just really hard for her.

bummymummy77 Tue 15-Nov-16 00:25:42

The worst thing about losing a child in my experience is people not even mentioning it.

anaemicenglishtea Tue 15-Nov-16 00:35:55

I think was you connected on fb you should have said something. There was no excuse there. If you do get say something, please don't bring up or child and make it about you. From this post, you have already indicated that it was her luck of interest in your child's post that is making you feel vein more guilty.
Would you have said something if she had commented on one of your child's photo or update?
Probably, she doesn't know how to break the ice with you. Friends on fb who don't communicate at all. Interesting.

ConvincingLiar Tue 15-Nov-16 06:36:14

I agree with others that you should send her a card to say that you're sorry for her loss and sorry it's taken you so long to get in touch. You sound like you're making excuses, it's not as if you even tried to get her details. Don't mention your baby and don't expect her to be interested (but don't assume that she won't be, take her lead on it).

LetsAllEatCakes Tue 15-Nov-16 09:04:19

She's probably unfollowed you so she doesn't have to see your baby updates at the moment and you really can't expect her to comment or like anyway given both the loss of her own baby and your lack of condolences.

Contact her and give your sympathies. Make it clear you weren't sure how to do it and apologise for taking so long. Don't mention your own dc at all. If she choses to respond and ask about your baby then answer. And I wouldn't use fb to do it if your profile pic involves your baby, that may upset her.

Congratulationson your little one.

LHReturns Tue 15-Nov-16 09:11:08

You made a mistake and now time has passed I understand that it gets harder and harder to know what to say.

You need to break the silence and even if that starts with just a very well thought out text message or email - then do it.

I would make it ALL about her and her loss. The fact that you are also pregnant, and feeling guilty is about YOU. Do not mention anything to do with you. This is about her and how sorry you are for her loss, and acknowledging her pain.

I have not lost a baby but I have read many such stories on the Infertility Board which can have me in tears in seconds. As I understand it just breathing and getting through the next hour that counts. What you post on you FB page is totally irrelevant to her and will be for a long time.

This is about her.

ElsaAintAsColdAsMe Tue 15-Nov-16 09:16:36

When my children died I found it was the people who had children similar ages to mine who didn't contact me because they were uncomfortable. I represented a reality they couldn't bear to think about.

I had to go into self preservation mode and look after me and I just stopped talking to those who didn't bother acknowledging my children's deaths.

I think if you contact her now you really need to apologise for not having done it sooner and be sincere with your condolences. Don't get upset or offended if she doesn't contact you back either. Certainly don't expect her to acknowledge your baby at all when you didn't offer her any acknowledgement of her child either.

I know you feel guilty now, but whatever you're feeling isn't comparable to how she is feeling, don't expect her to relieve your guilt.

Sorry to sound harsh but I've been where your cousin is and it's utterly shit and a very lonely place to be.

Sandsnake Tue 15-Nov-16 09:19:34

You absolutely need to contact her, right now. I would send a card and be honest in it. Tell her that you were devastated to hear about her loss - use her baby's name if you know it. Tell her you didn't contact her as you were unsure of what to say and that you hope that she didn't interpret this as meaning that you didn't care because you really do. Tell her how very sorry you are and you are there if she needs you. I wouldn't mention your baby as to be honest it's not really relevant to her situation and might just cause her more hurt.

And I'd tone down the baby posts if she's on Facebook (and certainly don't expect her to comment on them confused).

PurpleDaisies Tue 15-Nov-16 09:28:28

As I was saying the guilt is eating me up inside. She now has Facebook and whenever I post anything baby related she doesn't show an interest or anything. Should I contact her or is it to late now?

I can't believe you wrote that-her baby died and you're complaining she isn't showing an interest in yours?!

Being kind, I'll assume your hormones have made you temporarily insensitive. Send a card saying you're so sorry you haven't been in contact, you didn't know what to say and you didn't want to make her feel any worse.

Change your Facebook settings so she doesn't get all your scan pics/ nursery preparation or whatever. She seriously doesn't need that.

ChatEnOeuf Tue 15-Nov-16 10:03:12

You say I haven't ignored her loss people just deal with things differently I cried a lot when I found out just didn't know how to go about it.

In her eyes, though, you have ignored the death of her baby - you've not even said that you're sorry it happened. Not knowing what to say is not an excuse - just say you are sorry, or that you are thinking of her. Or Google any one of the dozens of articles that loss mamas have written about what to say. Or ask here.

If you care about her at all you really should make contact. Apologise for the length of time it has taken, and be sincere. Don't make it about you or your guilt - it is nothing to the guilt she will be feeling. She is still very early in her journey, and she may not respond straight away, or at all. Do you know the baby's name? If so, use it. It's a powerful thing to remember the name and birthday of a baby or child who has died.

When my son was stillborn last year, I couldn't bear to see baby pictures all the time. I hid things on FB and only interacted with people when I could bear to do it. As a PP said, some days even breathing was hard. I was fortunate (in some ways) that I had DD to care for, as that gave me something to get up for each morning.

I lost a previously very good friend after DS died. Her little one was born around a month beforehand, and she was posting upwards of 20 photos of her son every single day. Yet, when she wrote to me over nine months later, her excuse for not being in contact at all (even to say sorry), was that she was too busy being a mummy to send a message. Don't do that - that was the last thing I needed to read. If she had been more honest and said that my baby dying had made her more afraid of hers dying too, I may have been more forgiving. I understand the fear of losing a child - I've lived through it.

bessie84 Tue 15-Nov-16 10:21:22

oh gosh, please do get in contact with her, like others who have lost have said, the worst thing about a loss, is people not acknowledging it, like their baby wasnt real, like it doesnt / didnt exist, shes still a mummy. shes had her baby, she has a daughter.

Send her a card, message, something. she wont want to see your happy stuff right now, it;ll take ages for that to happen. i lost my first baby at 41+3 - the worst thing ever was people not daring to talk about her, like she didnt matter now she'd gone. acknowledgement is everything.

get in touch with her.

YuckYuckEwwww Tue 15-Nov-16 13:55:20

I know you feel guilty now, but whatever you're feeling isn't comparable to how she is feeling, don't expect her to relieve your guilt

^This.
And this:
I would make it ALL about her and her loss. The fact that you are also pregnant, and feeling guilty is about YOU. Do not mention anything to do with you. This is about her and how sorry you are for her loss, and acknowledging her pain

^ just re-read those two a few times and let it sink in!

Contact her and send her your love, do not tell her how difficult it was for you to get in touch with her, think how shit it sounds when someone talks about how uncomfortable someone else's pain has made them - her pain turmps your discomfort and she is not responsible for you being too wrapped up in how her loss made you feel to be able to send a quick condolence

If you don't, it's unforgivable.

YuckYuckEwwww Tue 15-Nov-16 13:56:57

I haven't ignored her loss people just deal with things differently I cried a lot when I found out just didn't know how to go about it

You absolutely have totally ignored HER loss - you crying is just you acknowledging YOUR feelings about the whole thing, you have completely ignored hers

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