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should I offer baby clothes back?

(25 Posts)
Orrery Sun 30-Oct-16 22:25:03

I'm pregant with my second, due next year. When I was pregnant with my first, my then very good friend gave me a sizeable bag of first size baby clothes. At the time, I asked her if she would like them back after my DS had outgrown them in case she wanted a second. She was adamant at the time that she was settled on just one child and we could keep them. Now here we are three years later and I've just found out she is expecting her second as well.

Should I offer the bag of clothes back?

Its slightly more complicated by the fact that we have since moved away, so I don't actually see her regularly anymore, so if I did offer them back I would have to either spend a good chunk of money on postage, or petrol. We aren't very flush at the moment and I wasn't expecting to have to buy a set of first size clothes for the second one. I also don't feel she particularly 'needs' a bag of second hand baby clothes back when she is forever posting on fb about holidays and spa trips that she's been on (which I haven't been able to afford in years).

She hasn't asked or hinted for them back, but I feel as though
I should offer, but that my need is greater and she did say we could keep them.

What would you do?

EssentialHummus Sun 30-Oct-16 22:27:39

She said you could keep them, crack on. It's not like you're selling them on eBay, thank fuck

Only1scoop Sun 30-Oct-16 22:31:05

I'd have to offer, she'll probably say no.

Tootsiepops Sun 30-Oct-16 22:32:11

I would offer them back.

Parney Sun 30-Oct-16 22:36:55

I'd just let her know that they would be ready for collection if she wanted them back!

Parney Sun 30-Oct-16 22:38:32

While perhaps mentioning that you're sorry you won't be able to offer her anything with them as you're in need of baby clothes again! Hinting that you'd like to hang on to them without being too forward.

MrsNuckyThompson Sun 30-Oct-16 22:39:36

Whether she has money or not (and you don't!) is irrelevant. If she was adamant you could keep them, just do. However if she was adamant on the basis that she wouldn't have another and now she does, I do think you have to at least offer them back. If she says yes, suggest splitting the postage or ask if she'd mind meeting you halfway.

AyeAmarok Sun 30-Oct-16 22:41:44

You should give her them back.

They were hers, and the reason she said to keep them is no longer valid (as she's pregnant).

Don't sit and try and justify why you should be allowed to keep her stuff because she goes on holidays and you can't afford it, that's really unbecoming.

Offer her them back, it's the right thing to do.

MouseLove Sun 30-Oct-16 22:47:28

Does she know you're pregnant?

For me this isn't even worth debating, it sounds like she knew you needed the clothes and was a good friend and gave them to you. To keep forever. Some people just are not precious with baby clothing. And some people do not want second hand clothing too.

Here's what I'd say to her privately. (Text, fb message etc)

CONGRATULATIONS hunny! I can't believe we are pregnant at the same time, that's so funny. Your announcement prompted me to thank you again for the clothing you gave us last time. It's ready to be washed and used again, thank you so much, money has been so tight recently this is an absolute god send to still have the generous gift you gave us. Is there anything you gave us that you would like back for your new little one? Let me know, speak soon. X

WiltingTulip Sun 30-Oct-16 22:48:50

Nope, I gave away all baby clothes and equipment (excellent quality) and then had more children. Never crossed my mind to have them returned to me as hopefully the people used the stuff and it was possibly not of a condition to return.

She would have enjoyed knowing that you made use of them. My friend passed on good stuff to me and didn't want them back, I returned about 2 things that I had special memories of her children in but that's it.

manhowdy Mon 31-Oct-16 05:12:10

I also don't feel she particularly 'needs' a bag of second hand baby clothes back when she is forever posting on fb about holidays and spa trips that she's been on (which I haven't been able to afford in years).

hmm

She paid for them, offer them back. The above is your problem, not hers.

bigfriendlygiant Mon 31-Oct-16 05:23:09

Offer them back. She didn't think she'd have another baby, she might tell you to keep them, money she earns is irrelevant.

LyndaNotLinda Mon 31-Oct-16 06:29:45

Offer them back. Your jealousy about the state of her finances compared to yours is neither here nor there

Trifleorbust Mon 31-Oct-16 06:34:24

At least offer. She will probably say no. And don't say they are 'ready for collection' or whatever - she did you a favour and it's fair that you at least offer to return her stuff. But she may not want it back.

RoganJosh Mon 31-Oct-16 06:39:43

I think mouse has the right approach. I'd say that.

Bagina Mon 31-Oct-16 06:43:17

I wouldn't offer. Surely the clothes aren't in a great state now anyway. She said to keep them.

BikeRunSki Mon 31-Oct-16 06:44:13

When are each of your babies due? First size clothes only last 4 or 5 weeks. Could it be that you could use them, then send them on to her?

Bearsinmotion Mon 31-Oct-16 06:45:00

I was in a similar situation but didn't offer them back blush. In my defence, we had three sets of clothes given to us, and I wouldn't have known whose were whose 3 years on. Also, friend had many, many clothes and when I said we wouldn't be able to use them all asked me to take them anyway and give any we didn't use to charity, which I did. Still feel bad, but didn't know what else to do - she was a colleague and we no longer work together so never discussed it...

newmumwithquestions Mon 31-Oct-16 06:47:16

Yes offer. She'll probably say no but it's the right thing to do.

Or, are your babies due at exactly the same time or could you use them first then pass them on to her?

WanderingTrolley1 Mon 31-Oct-16 06:47:23

Offer them back, of course!

avocadosweet Mon 31-Oct-16 06:56:33

Offer them back. If she wants them, you can get a bundle of vests and babygros on Gumtree or ebay for a fiver. Job done.

AButterflyLightsBesideUs Mon 31-Oct-16 12:42:04

From the other side - I gave away loads of DD's baby & toddler clothes as was adamant I was only having one. She's now 5 and I am 28 weeks pregnant. I honestly couldn't give a hoot about the stuff I gave away. The point is I gave it away, gladly, to friends who needed it. I wouldn't dream of asking for or expecting it back, it's not mine anymore. I have the odd moment of "damn I sold the Moby/washable nappies/gave away the bouncy chair/sleeping bags/carseats etc", but tbh I would so much prefer that the stuff has been being used, not going manky in my loft. And things like carseats wouldn't be any use for us this time as they will be past their 5/6 year lifespan.

It's just one of those things. Hopefully your friend feels the same. Chances are she will have other friends who will pass things on to her, I certainly have had generous folk giving me things this time round already.

Orrery Wed 02-Nov-16 13:58:36

Thanks all for comments. Consensus seems to be to offer things back.

Yes, she knew I was pregnant before she told me she was, even though she's due a few weeks before me.

No, it isn't 'her stuff' because she had a lot if it given to her by others and was passing things onto me to get rid of things.

It isn't 'unbecoming' to factor in financial aspects, for most of us it's practical.

What I do feel Is relevant is the fact that she has passed very close to where we now live at least 3 times since I moved away without calling in and barely seems interested in keeping in touch or sharing any of her news with me. So I guess really I am using the financial argument as a practical means to justify why I shouldn't go out of my way to get a bag of second hand baby clothes back to someone who could have dropped in any time and picked them up, and caught up with a friend in doing so.

Only1scoop Wed 02-Nov-16 16:29:17

Just let her know you have them ready for her....sounds like the friendship is becoming distant anyhow.

sycamore54321 Wed 02-Nov-16 21:47:38

You should at least offer. You have already had the benefit of them for baby 1 so it's not like you didn't gain. Simply ask, if she says yes, then discuss logistics like whether to post or whether you will be passing close to each other at some convenient time. Chances are she will decline, you'll feel better and still have the clothes. Or you could end up with a situation where you say nothing, she asks you and you feel resentful, look bad for not offering. And end up without them.

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