Hen weekend with a baby?

[Sunshinie]

I am a bridesmaid for my friend next year, along with some other close friends. We started thinking about ideas for her hen do a while ago, with her sister. We decided to go to a place which she loves but is about five hours drive away, to get a cottage and do some activities.

Anyway, since then I have found out I'm pregnant (first baby). I think some of the girls have a fair idea as I've suddenly stopped drinking, which isn't like me. As long as everything goes well, this means I will have a nine week old baby to take with me on the weekend.

I haven't told anyone yet, as I'm only about 9 weeks so have been keeping quiet and hoping I could tell them all in a few weeks. However, her sister is really keen to start finding and booking somewhere and asking for confirmation so I'm not sure what to do now.
I'm fairly sure that I would be ok taking the baby along. We're not planning a huge night out and I'm happy to sit out of any adventurous activities. Do you think I should say something now though? My DH says it's not fair to take a baby who might cry all weekend but there's no way I would leave it at home for three days!
It seems so very far away at the moment! I'm not sure what to do.

[Wolfiefan]

I wouldn't go. Sorry. You could be overdue and maybe even recovering from a c section. If you want to BF the early weeks can be hard going (may not be!) You wouldn't be able to do some of the activities in guessing and would literally be left holding the baby!

[mouldycheesefan]

A five hour journey with a nine week old? No, it will end up taking a lot longer than that. Feeding csn still take hours, they can't sit in a car seat for prolonged periods etc. You will be tired and the journey will be very long. I rwould cmon you can add in two hours minimum.
Either go somewhere closer to home or don't go. Or get dh to come with you to help.

[DefinitelyNotRuth]

A friend of mine did this recently but stayed in a hotel nearby with her DH. She joined us for the activities and popped back to BF every few hours, them left when we all went to bed. Her DH was bored stiff on the hotel but didn't really mind as she had a nice time.
Could this be a option?

[Wolfiefan]

The bride to be might also not want her hen weekend to be centred round a newborn!

[cansu]

I am not sure you should go. Chances are high that you will change your mind plus it will certainly chsnge the atmosphere if you have such a small baby there. Your friends are going to feel they need to consider babys needs. You will be sober and not taking part in everything. It is a v bad idea. Decline graciously.

[BastardGoDarkly]

Nope. Honestly, when the time comes you will thank god you said early on that you couldn't go. For one reason or another, you wont feel like it.

[mouldycheesefan]

Definitely- was it a five hour journey though and was the baby only nine weeks old? As some nine week olds are permanently attached to the boob so popping back every few hours may not work

[TataEs]

i think u need to say.
i had to tell the bride i was bridesmaid for when i was 8weeks as she asked me to be bridesmaid and i was going to still be pregnant (8.5m) at the time and it's only fair she knew i'd be sitting out wild hen dos and my dress probably couldn't be a regular bridesmaid dress etc
assuming u can take a newborn/will want to take a newborn is a bit naive imo

[ElspethFlashman]

No no no. Not fair on you, not fair on baby (5 hrs in a car seat is a no-no), not fair on bride, not fair on other girls.

Go for one night, and leave it at home with your DH.

[TheNaze73]

I think it would be incredibly selfish to take a newborn to a hen do.

[MrEBear]

Is bringing the weekend forward by 6 mths an option?
Taking a 9 (potentially 7) week old on a hen do just isn't an option. Sorry

[PotatoBread]

No no no Everything that Elspeth said.

[bloodyteenagers]

9 week old baby?
Not a chance.
You could be over due, so a 7 week old baby.
You might not have fully recovered.
You will still be establishing, well everything.
The screaming all night and all day so you could be shattered. The screaming will keep the others up.
Having a baby there will change dynamics. The noise will have to be kept down. You won't be drinking. You will be going to sleep early when the rest of them are still awake at three in the morning.
You will be up at 7 in the morning, when everyone is still sleeping.
They aren't going to appreciate the screaming when they are nursing hang overs.
Activities you will be missing out a lot on, and thus in turn missing out on the chats of the funny stuff afterwards.
The amount of stuff you will need to take with a new baby is potentially huge.

[Sunshinie]

Thanks very much for the advice. I know for definite that if I say something, the whole thing will be changed so that we're closer to home. We are a very close group of friends and not going to any part of it isn't something I want to consider at the moment. The bride is my best friend and has been since we were four. She knows I'm pregnant but doesn't know any details about the hen do at the moment, which is what's making it tricky.
I'm actually considering getting an early scan so I can tell my friends.

[mouldycheesefan]

Make the hen night in your home town and you could maybe pop there for a bit.

[QuilliamCakespeare]

No way. It's impossible to explain to someone who hasn't yet had children but chances are you will be sleep deprived beyond belief, still recovering physically, and feeding your baby around the clock. 5 hours travel with a newborn could easily take 7/8+ with stops for feeds, changes and the fact that they're not supposed to be in a car seat for longer than 2 hours at a time.

Lastly, it's the bride's weekend, not yours, and a newborn will certainly take the attention away from her. Babies needs constant care at that age and you may well get a very snuggly one who refuses to be put down (and you probably won't want to anyway... ahh, new baby cuddles ). Put your baby first (might as well get used to it - this is life now!) and stay at home. Maybe do a spa day or afternoon tea with the bride another time so you still get to make a fuss of her.

[SellFridges]

I have some experience here. I was bridesmaid and the hen do was planned when DD was 11 weeks old (she was 2 weeks overdue and I had an EMCS). I went, DH looked after her and it was fine (BFing had failed long before then!). My back up plan was for DH to bring her up and stay somewhere nearby. I would have her with me during the day and he would take her off in the evening.

[MrsNuckyThompson]

Not really possible. I did my best friend's hen do when my baby was 5 months old an exclusively breast fed. To be fair to everyone else I brought my husband on the weekend and stayed in a hotel nearby. My poor husband looked after the baby and then delivered him to me at points over the weekend to be fed. I stayed at the hotel for night time and early morning feeds. It was horrible. I pretended to my friend I enjoyed it but it was awful.

At 9 weeks it won't realistically be an option for you not to have the baby with you (well, maybe if you are bottle feeding) and it is NOT fair to anyone else going to inflict a baby on the whole hen weekend.

Think you'll have to bow out gracefully....

[Bubblegum18]

I agree with PP it's not the right time or place to take a baby, why not do something seperately with the bride which is more local.

[TerriB84]

My best friend (and bridesmaid) was in a similar position for my hen weekend. Although she still got involved in the planning she didn't want to commit to coming (which I totally understood) as you can't possibly know how you are going to feel this far in advance. As much as I would have loved her to be there I wouldnt have wanted a newborn baby on my hen weekend and would rather she didn't come. She decided to make a decision nearer the time once baby was born and said if it came to it she would pay for a hotel rather than stay at the apartment with the rest of us in the event she decided to come. As it turned out she came for 1 evening (rather than the whole weekend) and due to a drop out was able to stay with the rest of us so it all worked out. She had expressed milk beforehand so her DH could feed baby while she was away and she had to express while away to relieve pressure. I think a PP suggestion of staying in a hotel nearby with DH is a good one. But i don't think you should take the baby.

[CaptainCallisto]

I missed my best friend's hen do because DS2 was only 8 weeks old. My best friend since we were toddlers; the one person who's life events I would never want to miss. It wouldn't have been fair to anyone for me to have taken the baby. If we'd lived a bit closer I could have popped in and out, but it would have been a three hour drive each way, so not feasible.

We popped down to see them the week before the wedding instead, and had an afternoon just us, which was lovely.

[seven201]

Definite no from me. If the bride would really want you there for some of it then it does need to be moved nearer to home. The person who suggested staying in a nearby hotel with husband is onto a good thing I think. But 5 hours is still too far. A little baby would steal all the attention away from the bride.

[Sunshinie]

Ok. Thanks very much for all the advice, I really appreciate it.
I think I will have to tell the other girls early. I'll speak to DH tonight before I do though. If we have it all much closer to home I may be able to just go and join in bits of it.

[daisiesinherfootsteps]

You really cannot take a tiny baby on a hen do, regardless of how chilled out you expect it to be, it would change the whole tone for everyone. I wouldn't want to go on that hen do. They are supposed to be a break, I don't want to hear your baby crying or spend the weekend with baby as the focus as they inevitably would be.

But I disagree that you can't travel that far with a baby, so long as you take plenty of breaks from the car seat. The plan suggested above of staying nearby with DH and popping in and out is worth considering. I'e been on a hen do where a breastfeeding mum did exactly that, but she wasn't a bridesmaid.

As this is your best friend, I would pay for an early scan and tell her. Sounds like you'd both have a much better time closer to home.

[Nightfall1983]

I was my sisters MOH this year. I got pregnant when we were in the early stages of planning the hen do. I discussed it frankly with my sister (we have a comfortable relationship and this was easy). I explained that i was perfectly happy to sit the hen do our, that she needn't worry about it if that was what she would prefer, alternatively I suggested bringing the hen do forwards to the point where I was maybe 7 months pregnant - I wouldn't be able to drink, spa or take part in some other activities but would still be there or we could plan it for when baby would be around 3 months old. We discussed for for various reasons opted for C.

The 4 hr journey took me 5 because I stopped in the middle to feed/car seat break. I was lucky enough to be able to have a room in the cabin that was just for me and DD - this made this easier for night feeds. Other than that it was fine. Babies at that age don't care where they are. I sat out a couple of activities that weren't suitable for DD, I took her to the spa (in the swimming pool, on the side of the jacuzzi, took it in turns to watch her for sauna/steam room). My mum (who was on the hen do) offered to watch her to I could join in the go ape - this was the 'hardest' bit, she was still feeding every 2 hrs at that point and not thrilled on taking a bottle from my mum but we managed, mum came to the place and I would simply have left early if she needed me.

This was DC2 though, so I had a pretty realistic idea of what it would be like. I knew i wasn't going to have a relaxing or crazy weekend like the rest of them. I also prepared my sister that ANYTHING could happen with a baby that age that could mean I wouldn't be able to make it. ''Twas fun!!