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I don't want this baby anymore

(174 Posts)
Pinatubo07 Mon 17-Oct-16 08:17:42

NC for this.
I am 23 weeks pregnant. This is all I ever wanted.
I tried to get DH excited during this pregnancy but he is so quiet.
Now I understand why.
It is just a source of worry and stress for us.
I have had 0 symptoms and a small bump, enough to say I never felt pregnant.
DH works his life away to get money for it. I cant even afford a winter coat as just using all the money I earn in saving it for it and paying for driving lessons. I should have passed by now.
I resent it. DH doesnt know but I have looked into terminating the pregnancy and this is the last week I could do it.
I am very unhappy with my life.
I used to have friends and now too tired / poor to see them.
I live in the middle of nowhere and I cant drive so I will be stuck with it.
I used to but I dont love this baby anymore.
I am not religious so please dont mention god or plans or anything like that.
I cant be this unhappy, waking up every morning is painful.
I am very familiar with depression so I know this is not the case. When I suffer from it I cant pinpoint the reason.
I can now. I had to stay in a job I hate for it, as it has a good maternity package.
I cant drive and my money need to go to it and soon wont be able to have more lessons.
I dont want it anymore

Elllicam Mon 17-Oct-16 08:23:31

You do sound depressed, you say you don't love the baby anymore. Did you feel happy about the pregnancy at one point? I am not anti abortion but 23 weeks is very late.

honeysucklejasmine Mon 17-Oct-16 08:27:22

I think you need to go and speak to your GP. I know you don't think it's depression, but it does sound like it.

You should also discuss with your husband. It sounds like you're not getting emotional support, so lay out how you're feeling and give him a chance to explain himself. Obvs it's your choice, but a lot of your worries seem to be about coping financially, and he might be able to reassure you.

Pinatubo07 Mon 17-Oct-16 08:27:59

Elli NHS says 24 weeks in the UK. I was very happy. So happy.
But maybe I was wrong and I didnt understand reality. DH is now always working and I had a peek at what my life will be when I go on maternity leave and it is awful and isolating. On my own in the middle of nowhere. I cant even go to the shops.
My family lives far away. I will be on my own with it.

Pinatubo07 Mon 17-Oct-16 08:29:10

Thanks honey. I am always crying now. Resenting the baby and the mother it will be stuck with

Pinatubo07 Mon 17-Oct-16 08:31:23

Thanks honey. I am always crying now. Resenting the baby and the mother it will be stuck with

HeyMacWey Mon 17-Oct-16 08:32:29

Please go and speak to your gp.
You could well be suffering from antenatal depression.
Impending parenthood can feel overwhelming and indeed it does change your life, but you soon adjust and it becomes your new normal.

Pinatubo07 Mon 17-Oct-16 08:36:51

But Hey you dont know where I live. There is nothing I can do without a car. Only sheep in the field. No people to talk to and DH always away.
I used to live in London and had so many friends. They dont visit as nothing to do where we are.
I have a history of mental health and this isolation will make everything bad, it is already.

Catgirl83 Mon 17-Oct-16 08:37:30

OP, it may not be depression but your hormones are running wild during pregnancy and feelings can overwhelm you. I clearly remember feeling horribly panicky throughout pregnancy about it all. Please, please talk to someone about how you are feeling, it is easy to be overwhelmed and you sound like you really need some support. Have you had a 20 week scan?

Moojay Mon 17-Oct-16 08:37:50

I have absolutely been where you are OP.
Its bloody horrible to feel like that. I felt like it with ky second baby though. Planned baby, but DH had to work every hour under the sun so we could afford it. I couldn't drive and felt completely isolated and disappointed in myself for making such a stupid decision.
Ds is just over a year old now and he's incredible. I managed to pass my driving test when he was 3 months old (3rd attempt) and things are actually pretty good. Its hard no matter when you have a baby, financially,emotionally and physically but I promise you every day it gets easier. And you know what, meeting my baby and falling in love with him changed my whole.perspective the situation.

You need to talk through how you're feeling with your DH. Talk about what financial.plans you both have in your minds, look at how you are both dealing with this strain and try to figure out a way to support each other through whatever decision is made.
Be kind to yourself.
Also, my DH didn't mention a word about either of my pregnancy's until the very end, he just didn't seem involved, but he was internally excited as he put it!
A daddy appears when baby does

Only1scoop Mon 17-Oct-16 08:39:58

Speak to your DH and your GP tell them exactly how you are feeling.

FenellaMaxwell Mon 17-Oct-16 08:42:28

Especially if you have a history of mental health issues, it's really important to talk to your DH & your GP about how you are feeling.

For what it's worth, I am also 23 weeks with a much wanted baby and regularly wonder what on earth I will do, and how I will cope, and wonder if I've made a mistake. I think we all secretly do, but nobody talks about it! So here I am: I worry I can't do this and will be a shit parent too, and often think maybe I've made a mistake. But I am going to give it my very best try.

You are not alone but you need to talk to your GP - it does sound like you might have antenatal depression and you owe it to yourself, and your DH, and the baby to try and get some help.

Unicorncatsack Mon 17-Oct-16 08:43:23

They would only perform an abortion at 24 weeks for physical medical reasons generally, I think you'd find it very difficult to get one at this stage.

What would be more helpful would be going to your GP or midwife to see if you can be referred for treatment for antenatal depression.

For what it's worth I felt no bond at all with my baby during pregnancy. Now he's here it's different flowers

Crystal15 Mon 17-Oct-16 08:46:38

I think you are depressed. Depression can come on from nowhere or from a situation. Your thinking sounds like that of a depressed person. Your seeing all the darkness and none of the light. You Will pass your driving test, you could move house to be closer to others, your baby (if you choose to continue the pregnancy) would become a source of company, comfort and joy for you. I can totally see why you feel isolated, we all do at times. But it doesn't have to be that way.

HeyMacWey Mon 17-Oct-16 08:47:24

Any chance of moving somewhere less isolated?

It sounds like this is an issue that won't go away whether you have a baby or not.

On the positive side - you are learning to drive so this will open up a whole new world. Parenthood is a good way to meet new people - baby groups etc - meeting people who are going through the same thing at the end time can be incredibly supportive.

user1474320794 Mon 17-Oct-16 08:49:16

Go to the doctors get some help, don't continue feeling this way. Don't make yourself skint in buying only things for baby, look about for second hand things, nct sales are brilliant, babies are not in things for long, you come first as well as baby

NavyandWhite Mon 17-Oct-16 08:52:27

You poor love. I'm sorry you're feeling so sad and worried.

Is there a friendly midwife you could talk to, failing that please go and see your GP immediately.

HarleyQuinzel Mon 17-Oct-16 08:53:27

I managed to pass my driving with DS in tow when he was 6 months old. I took him with me on my lessons. You could probably learn before you give birth if you're not too uncomfortable. Could you buy a really cheap car and practice in that? It's much less expensive than driving lessons, I spent a fortune.

You do sound depressed, all the reasons you have put for being so unhappy could be changed! You can pass your driving test and you could move closer to family. You can quit your job as soon as you start ML.

Is your H supportive? Can you talk to him or your family about how your feeling?

ImYourMama Mon 17-Oct-16 08:54:12

OP- I felt like you at one point as pregnancy really really debilitated me, but it will pass. And you'll love your child more than anything you thought possible.
Please go and see your GP.
My daughter is in NICU now and there is a baby there Surviving who was born at 23+2. Your baby is a baby, not a pregnancy. I'm sorry to be harsh but to terminate now what is likely a viable child would do you more harm than good mentally

WindInThePussyWillows Mon 17-Oct-16 08:55:14

I've asked MNHQ to move this to pregnancy choices where you I hope you will get more responses from people in / been in a similar position.

I'm so sorry you are feeling this way, please seek some real life help.

RomanticWalksToTheFridge Mon 17-Oct-16 08:57:59

Go and see your GP, like others have said. I felt the same before DS was born. I remember sobbing and thinking ; 'I just want to run away, but wherever I go the baby comes too!'.

I wish I had had help.

It was all fine in the end, really.

thanks

Pinatubo07 Mon 17-Oct-16 09:05:06

Yes Cat we had a 20 weeks scan yes.** We were happy and DH was excited. But things have gone bad. Now he is always away and I failed my driving test again. Also had to pay lots more insurance and lessons and money is all I can think off. All the money we need for it.
Thanks Moojay. I have failed 6 times. 2 times this year. I cant pass. I have spent thousands and thousands.
I dont want to meet it. I dont want to love it. DH says he has savings. I have a little but not much, like 5000 pounds.
Thanks Fenella. Is it the GP or the midwives I talk to? GP hasnt seen me at all during pregnancy.
Thanks Unicorn and Crystal. And Hey We cant move house as it is attached to DH's job and trade. So I will always be isolated. Unless I left DH and moved on my own.
The driving is not working. 6 failed tests and I think around 5500 spent on it already. More like 6000 looking at the learners insurance and that.
Meeting other parents is a no go either. Nobody lives where we are. Just some sheep and trees.
*
User* all my stuff is second hand or donated. NCT sale too. We are not getting a pram either as we are in the country and forest.

Pinatubo07 Mon 17-Oct-16 09:06:13

Sorry I messed up the bold text sad

mayhew Mon 17-Oct-16 09:06:34

It sounds like you need an urgent appointment with the perinatal mental health service in your area. Phone your maternity provider today and insist on this. It sounds like your mental health is deteriorating under the stress and you need professional support.

UnoriginalNN Mon 17-Oct-16 09:06:46

It's so hard where you are mentally right now - but try, for a second, to see if you can see your behaviour from another point of view. Are these things you're worried about (isolation etc) things that can be fixed? They absolutely are. No one can help you unless you tell them you need it.

Antenatal depression is really common - I usually can't pinpoint my issues either but sometimes I can, and I tend to be scapegoating (if you know what I mean) the 'issue' without dealing with the real things I'm worried about.

Please go and speak to your midwife or GP. This is coming from someone who is pregnant and waiting for the community psych nurse to come round as I write. I needed help and I'm getting it and I'm going to be okay. So will you, but please get the help.

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