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My mother doesn't want me to be pregnant.

(19 Posts)
alphaecho Thu 13-Oct-16 19:13:08

Okay. So I'm 24. I have a good job. And I'm 13 weeks pregnant. Been in a relationship for 4 years. All is fine. Sturdy. And happy. Infact I'm so bloody excited I may burst with happiness any minute.

My mum and dad broke up about 2 months ago. They had been together for 30 years, but they grew apart and have been since I can even remember (I was at least 12).

I said to my mum that I didn't want to take sides, and that I would talk to her about it as long as it wasn't bitching about my dad. She lost it, said that I'd fucked up my career for being pregnant, id end up with 3 different children with 3 different dads and she will never had anything positive to say about it. She also wants nothing to do with us.

Anyway to cut a long story short.. dad has now decided to go back to my mum (I don't live with them thank god!). I've tried a couple of times to keep her updated and sent her scan pictures.. but should I keep trying? She's been so horrible I don't want to just go back to pretending to be happy families...

intheknickersoftime Thu 13-Oct-16 19:18:31

You sound so lovely. I've no explanation as to why your mum is acting this way but I would cut contact for the duration of your pregnancy at least. She will make it an unhappy experience for what should be a joyous time for you. Don't feel guilty. I couldn't imagine saying what she said to my own daughter. You've done nothing to deserve this.

intheknickersoftime Thu 13-Oct-16 19:19:37

There is also an ongoing thread in relationships called stately homes. I think you'll get some good advice there.

MrsChrisPratt Thu 13-Oct-16 19:21:01

Wow, sounds like my Mum, but she showed her true colours long before pregnancy. What would your advice be to a friend or your child if they were being treated like this by someone who is supposed to love them? I'm pretty sure I can guess. Do that. Protect your own mental health and enjoy your pregnancy. Don't let her ruin it flowers

alphaecho Thu 13-Oct-16 19:21:19

Thank you I'll pop it in there smile

Mysterycat23 Thu 13-Oct-16 19:21:50

She is probably in shock and needs some time to come to terms with her own little girl becoming a mother. That even without the drama of her own marriage. People say weird things when you're pregnant, it's like they panic or go into shock and all sorts come out of their mouths! Give her a bit of space for now and see how things are in a few weeks. Are there other friends and family you can share your happiness with who will support you?

alphaecho Thu 13-Oct-16 19:21:51

Thank you, all of you. flowersflowers

intheknickersoftime Thu 13-Oct-16 19:22:53

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2562518-But-we-took-you-to-Stately-Homes-survivors-of-dysfunctional-and-toxic-families

LHReturns Thu 13-Oct-16 19:23:38

OP congratulations! I am 7 weeks pregnant at age 40 and my GOD do I wish I was 24! How exciting for you and your DP.

I don't have lots of advice but I wanted to say that for the first 12 - 18 months or so after my parents split up my mother went through a very bitter twisted phase regarding anyone else's happiness. If someone was happy because they were in love, or pregnant, or taking another big life step, my DM could twist it into something negative and ugly. Anything involving 'happy families' needed to be snorted at - 'clearly that will be a disaster!'. I remember she couldn't watch a romantic comedy movie without being sour and mean about the story.

It stopped naturally as she moved on from her divorce (after 33 years married), and she met someone else.

I have no idea if this is how your mum is feeling but it is horrible to watch and I am so sorry it is impacting your happiness.

If this is her issue I assure you it will PASS and she will become less selfish and able to be happy for your 'happy ending' without needing to relate it back to her unhappy experience.

This is NOTHING to do with you - so try to step back and enjoy the new family you are creating! She will come back to you, I'm sure.

MrsJayy Thu 13-Oct-16 19:24:04

Im sorry your mum reacted like this my mum was similar it is very hurtful I have no wise words for you i just got on with it told her bits and pieces but she was ashamed of me. Anyway keep her in the loop but dont expe t to much let her come to you, congrats lovey flowers

alphaecho Thu 13-Oct-16 19:30:15

I think that's my plan.. just to leave it and if she comes to me (which hopefully she will), then go with the flow then.

I just could have really done with her around.. in a first time mum, baby was the most bestest surprise ever (but still a surprise!) and there was so many things I wanted to ask her. So many new things I wanted to know.

We have a fantastic support network around us, so we are not lacking support from either family. I've just had terrible morning sickness for 3 months and it's normally times like that (no matter how old you are!) that you just want your mum to make it better! smile

ConvincingLiar Thu 13-Oct-16 19:40:13

She's being massively selfish and spoiling what should be a special time for you. You're probably not missing out much on her advice, I'd imagine she won't remember accurately and will be out of date. Surround yourself with positive people. Congratulations!

Honeybee79 Thu 13-Oct-16 21:50:32

Congratulations on your pregnancy!

It sounds like she just can't stand to see anyone else happy right now, which is selfish but a common reaction. My sister was awful to me when I fell pg with DS as she was not in a good place an unable to bring herself to be happy for anyone else. I was really hurt by it all. She ignored me for months!

haveacupoftea Thu 13-Oct-16 21:57:15

She sounds like a horrible selfish cow and you are much better off without her.

Enjoy your life your own new little family smile

Mybeardeddragonjustdied2016 Thu 13-Oct-16 22:02:20

My dm was never happier than when I was a single parent. I remarried and her jealousy and resentment that I had a finally made a success of a relationship was more than she could take. We have been nc for years now.

Fairylea Thu 13-Oct-16 22:06:49

As an alternative view....

Yes she shouldn't have gone off on one.

But, she's just broken up with your dad - 8 weeks ago after being together 30 years and then getting back together again. Her head must be all over the place. As someone who has also gone through a difficult divorce it makes you very sceptical of relationships and the hard work that having a family entails. In some ways you don't want your children to get hurt the same way you have by going through the same things you did. Anger is very close to hurt in terms of emotions. She's obviously very hurt by everything that's happening.

That doesn't mean what she said was right. And of course she should apologise but don't burn your bridges. Having a child is completely life changing and you'll need all the support and help you can get and I'm sure with time she'll come round - even if it takes a while, if your relationship was good with her before.

LHReturns Thu 13-Oct-16 22:23:59

I agree Fairylea...OP, if she has always been a good mum to you, then perhaps step back from her while you enjoy this happy time and let her come around. I feel sorry for her too - her daughter's first pregnancy should be a wonderful time for her. She must be very sad.

LBNM19 Thu 13-Oct-16 23:08:28

There is no excuse for her talking to you like that. If you are happy she should be happy for you.

I had my 1st when i was 21, 26 now and my 3rd is due in Jan. Best thing to ever happen to me was becoming a mum. Congratulations. Xx

NathaliePadd85 Mon 17-Oct-16 11:53:03

Baby's Dad experienced that with his Mum. Mainly because we are not in a relationship still both happy becoming mum and dad. We are 31 and 28 so no Teenagers anymore. We both are in good jobs but she complained about giving life up etc.
I'm not sure but I think I would react differently.
We give her time now and she slowly wants to be involved. So finger's crossed our little girl as a Nana to be soon.

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