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Pregnancy

pregnancy after infant loss, terrified

11 replies

CrazyGreyhoundLady · 10/10/2016 00:19

I'm 36 weeks today (I've been lurking for a long time but too shy to post so I hope this thread is ok). My first DD was born four years ago by emergency section because I had had hyperemesis for the entire pregnancy but that last week I was barely able to keep water down and ended up on a drip and too weak to give birth naturally though I tried. Long story short DD had a blood clot in her renal artery which proved fatal.
I'm 36 weeks pregnant today with DD 2 and I want her so much, I'm so happy to be having her, but I don't feel half as excited as I did with DD1, I love feeling her kick and I don't feel like I'm struggling to bond with her but every time I get excited I end up stopping myself and forcing myself to calm down. I didn't know dd1 was ill until after the birth and I'm terrified of being overly attached to dd2 and losing her aswell. I feel like its taking a lot of the joy from my pregnancy and adding a lot of worry as I find myself monitoring her movements in a seriously OTT way, (thankfully both my midwife and hospital are incredibly supportive and understand why). Trying to balance being careful and being paranoid.
My hyperemesis has been really bad this last few weeks again and I have a scan Thursday to check on her growth (also she had some cysts on her brain at my 20 week scan with fmt but they are apparently completely normal at that stage so I'm trying not to worry about them but they will be checking they have gone aswell).
Dd2 is on 90th percentile, growing well and incredibly active but I still cant shake the fear that I will find out after birth that something is wrong again. Someone please tell me to stop being stupid.
I'm not entirely sure why I'm posting here but I just wanted to reach out and tell someone how I'm feeling as I can't really talk to her dad about it (dd1 was before we got together and he 'Doesn't want to think about it')
Sorry for the super long post and thankyou to anyone who reads it.

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Toocold · 10/10/2016 00:23

I really feel for you, I haven't experienced what you have but I am thinking of you and understand the detachment ( have had and am having a poorly baby, have one ok one as well) I think it's natural to detach but I promise you will bond. Have you had counselling? Have you been able to talk to anyone about your worries?

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DustyMaiden · 10/10/2016 00:37

I know exactly how you feel but sorry no answers. My DD was still born. When I was pregnant with DS I was petrified. He is 15 now .

You don't have long to go now. Hope everything goes well.

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CrazyGreyhoundLady · 10/10/2016 00:38

I've had counselling numerous times and have begged the perinatal mental health team to add me to their books (thankfully I finally got an assessment where I could talk to a woman about all this and they have now agreed) just so if I struggle when she first arrives I have support. Her dad wont be around when she is first born despite me having to have a section again so I was a little worried about what I'd do if I didn't cope. Hoping she doesn't look too much like dd1 as I think that will probably set me off.
Sorry to hear about your little ones, hope they are both ok soon!

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CrazyGreyhoundLady · 10/10/2016 00:40

Thankyou dusty, I think hearing from people who have had a child after and little one been ok has been my biggest lifeline throughout this pregnancy, what dd had was incredibly rare so I just keep telling myself it cant happen again

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VioletBam · 10/10/2016 00:42

I'm so sorry about your DD....of course you will be worried. It's so normal to have anxiety about pregnancy anyway and that's without the trauma which you went through.

Many people would be through the roof at this point as you're so close to the end of the pregnancy your anxieties will surface.

It's good that you're not worried about the cysts because as they said these are quite common and usually dissolve as the pregnancy progresses.

Keep posting here if it helps you to allay your fears. We'll keep coming back.

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CrazyGreyhoundLady · 10/10/2016 00:59

Thankyou violet. Her birthday and anniversary were last month which I think made it more difficult. I'm really trying not to worry about the cysts, the hospital I'm at this time round really are far better and I feel like I can trust them, it's just sort of sat at the back of my mind as an extra fear.
I was going for a VBAC but I have chickened out and am going for the ELCS now as I just feel, especially with her size (everyone in my family has big babies and both dad and I are over 6ft) that I don't want to take the extra risk of ending up with an emergency section or her getting stuck and distressed. Feel a little bit like I've copped out but also calmer about the birth

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Rainbowqueeen · 10/10/2016 01:32

My DD who is now 12 also had the cysts on the brain. it worried me hugely but they disappeared. my hospital told me that 4% of babies have them but they mean nothing to the point that they no longer report them at the 20 week scan (not in the UK)

You sound like you are making really good decisions for yourself and your bub.

I will be thinking of you over the coming weeks and wishing you well

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OwlinaTree · 10/10/2016 04:27

Pregnancy after a loss is always tough. My first daughter died at 3 days after a complicated delivery. I felt similar in my subsequent pregnancies, I didn't want to get too excited in case it all went wrong again.

I had my other children by planned section which helped my anxiety greatly. Luckily everything went well and I bonded with them both. Will the doctors be able to check your baby for this condition when she is born?

Try to stay calm over these next weeks. I personally found the last few weeks the hardest both times as it felt like i was so close to having my baby in my arms but horribly aware of what could go wrong.

Try to keep focused on taking it one day at a time. I'm sure you will be holding your little one very soon and all will be well.

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ConvincingLiar · 10/10/2016 06:44

You poor thing, you are definitely not being stupid. It's natural to feel anxious given what's happened. You're just going to have to stick it out, but you're nearly there.

It sounds like counselling would be a good idea to help you at this tricky time.

You really don't need to worry about the C section. There are no medals for giving birth vaginally. I can totally understand why you'd want one.

Why won't your partner be available? Is there anyone else who can support you? If there are no friends/family available, could you afford a doula? I know they normally focus on vaginal births but their support post section could be valuable if you're feeling vulnerable.

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JOMH1982 · 10/10/2016 08:10

Different circumstances, but I am nearly 9 weeks pregnant after losing a little girl at 20 weeks last Christmas time, and I can understand your anxiety. You're so nearly there, and you've done the right things getting talking support in place should you need it. Did you ever speak with Sands after losing your little girl? I found them very helpful. Completely understand why you'd want a section, it gives you a sense of control back in a situation where you feel completely out of control. Wishing youall the very best xx

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CrazyGreyhoundLady · 10/10/2016 12:27

Rainbow, thankyou so much I think I really needed to hear from someone who's baby had them, its a massive help to hear from someone who has been there. I'm in the UK but noticed something funny on the scan and asked hence why they told me

Owlina, thankyou so much for your support, again hearing from people who have been there helps so much. DD has been checked already for a clot and will be checked again Thursday when I have another scan. Thankfully I don't have a clotting condition so dd1s clot was literally a fluke and not something likely to happen again.

Convincing, thankyou! I have been having counselling but it hasn't been of much help as the woman doing it doesn't understand I don't think. I'm calmer having the section so I think that's just going to be the better option. Dad will be at the hospital but he isn't taking his paternity until later so I wont have support at home and my family live abroad sadly.

JOMH, I'm sorry to hear of your loss. I didn't speak to sands because where I was when she passed they would only deal with miscarriages and dd lived to ten days old.

Thankyou everyone for the support and wishes xx