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Grandparent politics stress - seeing baby first

(176 Posts)
TeaGirl3 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:05:47

I'm sure many of you will resonate with this situation, but it's stressing me out. First world problems I know....

I'm 38 weeks now and just waiting for DC1 to arrive. It's the first grandchild for both sets of parents (my OH is an only child too), so everyone is particularly excited.

My dad has just called to say that my mum (and he) should be the first grandparents to see the new baby and they shouldn't play second fiddle. As I'm having the baby, he said My mum should be there first; particularly as she had complications with me when I was born.

Obviously I can't wait for my parents to see baby, but I know that my other half would naturally want his parents to visit first.

We had lots of parent politics when we got married and I just don't want it again, although I knew it would happen when we had a baby.

My dad said that I should tell my OH that it's what I want, rather than say it's what they want. I know this is incredibly selfish but I have no idea how to play it - and having a joint first visit is definitely not an option.

If you've had a similar situation, how did you tackle this?

This is making me stressed and upset, when I really don't need it. Thanks in advance.

NerrSnerr Wed 05-Oct-16 15:09:38

Could you invite them all round on the same afternoon so they all meet the child together?

MyBreadIsEggy Wed 05-Oct-16 15:11:18

No one comes to the hospital. Both sets of parents come to the house at the same time.

Wooftweetwooftweet Wed 05-Oct-16 15:11:28

Tell him you have enough to deal with at the moment and if that's what he really wants, sort it out among themselves with the other grandparents or with your DH.
I wouldn't enable that and had similar at my wedding. I let them to it and it just showed them up without any involvement on my part.
I would ignore and not entertain that squabbling.

Floralnomad Wed 05-Oct-16 15:13:17

When I had my first DC it was the first GC on either side ( my DC are still the only GC and there will be no others ) , we had also had friction at the wedding . My dad died 3yrs before we had DC so on my side it was mum / sister v MIL/FIL , for us it was a no brainer my mum and sister came and waited at the hospital whilst I was in labour ,saw baby as soon as and then went home . The Inlaws came in the next day ( I had to stay in for blood transfusions) . When we had 2nd DC it was a non issue as the Inlaws and I hadn't spoken for about 4 yrs ( their choice but I'm willingly NC) so they met that DC when she was about 4 months old .

PotteringAlong Wed 05-Oct-16 15:14:08

Tell him that if he's being an arse he doesn't get to see them at all and to wind his neck in?

katienana Wed 05-Oct-16 15:15:54

How do YOU feel about it op, it's you who will actually be a patient in hospital.

SmallBee Wed 05-Oct-16 15:17:57

What do you want? Do that.

AdoraBell Wed 05-Oct-16 15:22:13

What Woof said, with a side order of grow the fuck up.

OhNoNotMyBaby Wed 05-Oct-16 15:22:30

Jeez... this kind of thing gives me the rage. It's just so unimportant in the whole scheme of things. Wherever and whenever the GPs see your babe it will be the 1st time for THEM. That's what matters.

Poor you OP flowers. As ^, delegate the whole thing to both sets of GPs and let them work it out for themselves.

PotatoBread Wed 05-Oct-16 15:22:53

Your dad sounds a bit of a dictator tbh - is he always like this? It's understandable that he and your mother want to see their DG after he/she has been born but a bit cheeky to phone up and demand visitation rights and that they won't play second fiddle etc before the event has even happened and demand that your mother is in the labour suite with you (unless that's what you want).

If I were you I wouldn't even tell both sets of DGPs when you go into labour - otherwise you and your DP will be tortured. Tell them after baby has been born and give them a time when they can visit.

The hospital I gave birth in only let 2 visitors in at a time (other than DP) so it meant I could tell my parents to visit at 3pm and DPs at 4pm or one set during afternoon visiting hours and the other set during evening visiting hours.

Grandparents are a curse as well as a blessing at times.

crayfish Wed 05-Oct-16 15:23:52

God, parents can be petty about this kind of thing. Why can't they all visit at the same time? I don't see how your mum having complications (presumably) decades ago is even relevent here.

Nobody has more 'right' to see the baby than anyone else out of the four grandparents and he obviously knows this or he wouldn't be being so dictatorial about it. The only people who get to decide who sees the baby and when are you and your husband, and I would narrow that down to you alone while you are still in hopital recovering.

I would say - "dad you are being petty and taking the shine off what is a very joyous occasion for us all. When the baby is here and we know we are both ok then we can work out visiting arrangements, but we love you all and nobody will be playing 'second fiddle' to anyone else"

PigletWasPoohsFriend Wed 05-Oct-16 15:26:20

Tell him that if he's being an arse he doesn't get to see them at all and to wind his neck in?

Yep tell him this.

DownWithThisSortaThing Wed 05-Oct-16 15:26:42

What do you want to happen OP? Decide who you want to come first and tell them what's happening rather than discuss it with them.

Or,

No one comes to the hospital. Both sets of parents come to the house at the same time.

I would do this ^ if it's really going to be such a big deal to them all. It really doesn't matter who sees the baby first, they will surely see the baby in the days after you've given birth. It's not a grandparent competition.
If they can't be adults about it and realise it's not all about them, then announce they will have to all come at the same time so they're all first. Don't pander to them and don't big yourself down in any squabbles or stress - it's your baby and you're the one who's giving birth, so what makes your life easier it's what's important

Believeitornot Wed 05-Oct-16 15:27:20

In the grand scheme of thing, no one will care who saw the baby first ffs. Baby certainly won't.

Bitlost Wed 05-Oct-16 15:28:58

You need to set the tone now otherwise they're going to make your life a misery. Grandparents have a tendency to become obsessed with grandchildren.

Gmbk Wed 05-Oct-16 15:31:24

Wtaf if my dad said this I would be furious. Who does he think he is to demand "not playing second fiddle".

What do you and your partner want? That it the most important thing. Sounds like you might be doing yourself a favour if you piss your dad off now. He might dissappear for a few years.

melibu84 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:35:10

I'd tell your dad to grow up, and then invite them over when you're good and ready. Flip a coin if you're not sure who to have first.

They're being really unreasonable. My DS is the first grandchild for both my parents and my DPs parents. The first person to actually see him was my sister, and then my great-aunt. Who sees the baby first is not that important. My DPs mum was last to see DS, but that doesn't make her any less of a grandparent.

StubbleTurnips Wed 05-Oct-16 15:37:49

What do you want OP?

We had this with DD, even though my parents live 200miles away from where we are. They were told to wind their neck in and pipe down.

This time round they've all been told that we won't be having visitors until we're ready, and we'll be in touch. Baby is due Xmas week.

TeaGirl3 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:39:21

Thanks everyone. Yes this is typical behaviour of my dad, which is why my OH would be fuming if he knew I'd had this conversation.

I'll definitely go for the option of not having anyone other than my husband at the hospital, but its what happens when we're home that will cause the issue.

We wouldn't want both sets to visit together, as we've already agreed it would be a nightmare.

We're so lucky to have two sets of GPs and it's such a petty thing to be worrying about, but one that could cause issues, as both would take it as a snub if they weren't the first.

It would be nice if my parents visited first, but likewise it would be too for my in laws, so I have no idea what to do.

Cel982 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:41:00

God, I couldn't entertain this kind of nonsense at all. He's being incredibly childish. I'd tell him so, and that you'll let him know once the baby has safely arrived (and not before!). They can then visit at their leisure. Don't agree to act as an intermediary between two sets of warring GPs, you have enough on your plate.

Gmbk Wed 05-Oct-16 15:41:03

You need to be honest with your dp about your dad. Really you do. Let him be fuming but your dad sounds a twat.

I'd make them wait for that reason alone! Like a pp said, flip a coin.

spacefrog35 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:46:52

If you don't 'care' who visits first then I would politely but firmly tell your father that you aren't planning on having visitors until you & the baby are home from the hospital as you have no idea how you will be feeling/ or what the logistics will be. Once you're home then get in touch with both and see who is available.

My FiL wanted to come to the hospital as well. As it was my waters went at 3pm, DD was born at 5pm & we were home again by 10pm so even if DH had thought of ringing them they wouldn't have had time to get there wink

HereIAm20 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:47:08

Grannies in first together while Grandads wait outside and then Grandads in second while Grannies wait outside.

Both families treated equally.

In any event do they all live locally? If one set live further away maybe they'll come down when you are out of hospital and stay (but only if they are going to cook, do babies washing etc, look after house etc) while you and Dh have baby and parent time.

My Mum lived in US but I was in labour for so long that she booked a flight and flew in and other GPs collected her from Heathrow and both Nans came in and then the grandad (who had a peep) and then excused himself leaving nans to coo over baby and ignore me

TeaGirl3 Wed 05-Oct-16 15:47:39

I think a coin toss is the best way Gmbk!

It's the same reason why we have purposely chosen not to use any family names for DC1, even though some of our favourites are from both sides.

I'll talk to my husband tonight when he's back from work.

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