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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

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Get updates on how your baby develops, your body changes, and what you can expect during each week of your pregnancy by signing up to the Mumsnet Pregnancy Newsletters.

Pregnancy

Abandoned by my DH and found out I'm pregnant....what next?

54 replies

cautiousxoptimist · 21/09/2016 22:07

I have had a nightmare few weeks. My DH has upped and left me for another woman despite us actively TTC not 3 weeks ago. My period is late which I put down to the emotional stress that has been placed on my body but today I could take no more and took a test. Five tests later and they are all positive!

I should feel elated and should be celebrating but I feel utterly numb. I cannot terminate the pregnancy as I wanted the baby for so long but am wondering how on earth I'll cope as I have a very demanding job and have zero experience with children.

God help me!

OP posts:

Report

Whatsername17 · 21/09/2016 22:11

You will cope and it will be the best thing you have ever done. Have you got any support in rl? Are you going to tell him? Sorry he is such a shit. You do not deserve to be treated like this.

FellOutOfBed2wice · 21/09/2016 22:22

Is your husband still in touch or has he done a moonlight flit? Are you going to contact him and tell him? What an utter, utter shitbag he is.

MarklahMarklah · 21/09/2016 22:25

I know someone who has been in a similar situation. I will direct her to this thread.

thewideeyedpea · 21/09/2016 22:27

You will manage despite everything and it will most definitely be the best thing to happen to you. Many congratulations!

cautiousxoptimist · 21/09/2016 22:35

Thank you so much ladies for your support, I appreciate it. I was away on business and when I came back home he had packed his bags and left. I had no idea that he had been cheating on me as he has completely wiped me out of his life, he's even changed his number. A friend of mine bumped into him and the OW last week. I feel sick thinking about it. I emailed him in the hope that he receives it but given his past behaviour I doubt he will be back.

I just need to concentrate on being fit and healthy for my baby, which is difficult as I'm struggling to eat and I keep weeping every 10 minutes and to add insult to injury the OW is 20 years younger and beautiful!

OP posts:

Julie0210 · 21/09/2016 22:39

I had been married 10 years when we decided to have children. I got pregnant straight away - 5 months later he announced he "didn't want to be part of a family". We split soon after dd was born, at the time I was devastated, had to return to full time stressful job when she was 4 months. It was the best thing that could have happened as 2 years later I met someone else, I've now been married to him for 16 years. You'll be fine, these things happen for a reason

FriendofBill · 21/09/2016 22:56

Everyone starts with zero experience of being a parent.
If you have a good income that will really help in terms of sourcing the right support when baby is here.
It's not ideal, but best you know now than be messed around through the pregnancy.
Stick with MN, everything you need to know on here.

Congratulations!

LillianFullStop · 21/09/2016 23:06

Congratulations on the pregnancy OP. Sounds like you really want this baby so best thing to do is to focus on you and your health now and plan how you can best support you and your new baby. I'm a FTM due in 5 weeks and have no idea about babies either but have taken antenatal classes, done a lot of reading and that's the best you can do really!

You don't need the stress about your ex-DH if he is just going to cause stress and upset during this time so probably best he's shown his true colours sooner rather than later. At least you have months to get used to the idea and prepare to raise this baby on your own. Having said that don't forget (and don't let him forget) that he has a financial obligation to support his child!

cautiousxoptimist · 21/09/2016 23:15

Julie, I'm sorry to hear that...what an awful experience to have to live through...

Thank you all for the congratulations, in a weird way I think having the baby will make things somewhat easier in the sense that I'll have to focus I other things not just my husband leaving me.

I'm not exactly maternal but think I would make a good mum and whilst my child won't grow up within the conformist nuclear family he/she will receive as much love from me as it would from both a mum and a dad.

Thanks for the support and encouragement, I feel a little more positive.

OP posts:

LondonRoo · 22/09/2016 05:40

First off - congratulations!!! You have a little life growing inside you right now getting ready to be your son or daughter :-)

I had a surprise (but much wanted) pregnancy and both DP and I were in shock and quite dazed for weeks afterwards. I also used to be married and my ex decided to just leave one day when I was at work so I came home to find he was gone and it took weeks for the shock to wear off! Looking back on it now I smile and think it was one of the best things that ever happened to me. He vacated the space I needed to feel
better about myself and made room for a lovely, kind and gentle man who I met less than a year later.

Anyway - the point I'm trying to make is you're digesting two huge life changing experiences in a short space of time so whatever you feel is completely fine! Feeling numb is your body's way of coping with the shock. Later you'll feel every emotion under the sun. It has no bearing on you as a mother or how much you are going to love your little son or daughter when they make their appearance into the world.

Emotionally, I suspect you're feeling quite scared and overwhelmed by it all. However, rationally my not so humble opinion is that if he's the kind of man who leaves a marriage without having the basic decency to tell you and offer an explanation then I think it's probably good that he has done a runner and you're going to be better off without him.

It will be challenging but you will cope and there are happier times ahead for you and who knows who you might meet in the future.

Do you have friends and family around you? Do they know what's happening? Telling them is probably a good idea so they can support you.

Also, putting my practical head on - get legal advice now and if you intend to divorce him get the wheels in motion as you'll want your finances and things sorted out sooner rather than later if at all possible.

Congratulations!!! What a crazy time for you but you'll look back on this in years to come and hopefully see it as the start of better and happier times in your life.

Roo

HarlotOTara · 22/09/2016 06:03

Hi,
Something similar happened to me, my 'p' left me when I found out I was pregnant - he decided that he didn't want a child after all. It is doable, I had good support from friends and luckily had a good job and my own house which helped enormously.

My lovely DD is now 26 and doing well. Her father did see her for a while when she was older but she finally decided not to see him anymore as he really was a dick.

I did get married again when she was 6 and had subsequent children. I think I was knackered for the first few months until she started sleeping through the night but it was OK in the end.

Congratulations on your pregnancy

cautiousxoptimist · 25/09/2016 11:21

Sorry I haven't been on for a few days, I've not been in the best of places over the last few days. The sun is shining today in London and I'm mustering the strength to go out for brunch with some girlfriend's.
I wanted to say thank you all for your kind, supportive words xxxxx

OP posts:

FriendofBill · 25/09/2016 12:07

Ah, thanks for getting back.
Sorry to hear things are a bit rubbish.

How far along are you now?

DorotheaHomeAlone · 25/09/2016 12:14

Glad the sunshine is helping! You can do this.

cautiousxoptimist · 25/09/2016 12:23

Thanks so much, it's surprising how much this site helps! I'm only 8 weeks pregnant so very early days.

What is making matters worse is the DH and the OW are flaunting their relationship on social media, I know I shouldn't look but I can't help it. It's making me feel rather sick. They are heartless!

X

OP posts:

Ilovewineandcrisps · 25/09/2016 12:27

What a twat . Does he know you are pregnant?

Dlah · 25/09/2016 12:33

Thus proving what a distasteful person he is, and making them both look like twats to everyone who knows what situation he's come from.

Sit back and smile that he's making a muppet of himself - especially if/when people find out you're pregnant.

Congratulations on the pregnancy, I hope it's happy and healthy for you and your child x

cautiousxoptimist · 25/09/2016 12:43

I tried to call him in the week to have a chat with him but he's blocked my numbers (work and personal). So o emailed him and told him in writing which is not ideal communication but I didn't feel like I had a choice. Suffice it to say no response whatsoever and a day later the pictures start going up.

Thanks for the well wishes. I'm going to focus on ring fit and healthy for the baby and in going to start planning on my financials xxx

OP posts:

DorotheaHomeAlone · 25/09/2016 13:16

Sounds like you're doing really well. Just make sure you include cm payments in your planning. He doesn't get to opt out of paying for this kid just because he's buggered off.

LondonRoo · 25/09/2016 13:59

What a twit... But being so public about it means everyone will know it. You sit back, focus on you and baby and let his actions speak for themselves.

I know what you mean about not being able to help but to look on social media... It's just so damn tempting. Could you block him and her so you can't see them (and they can't see you)... Trust me, from experience... If anything happens, someone will tell you 😉!

Do your girlfriends know about the pregnancy? Hope you are out enjoying your brunch!

Roo

Aoibhe · 25/09/2016 14:12

I wonder how the pregnancy is going to go down with the OW? How is he going to talk himself out of that one? I can just imagine he gave her the usual tale of being 'trapped in a sexless marriage, sleeping in separate rooms'... I have no doubt!

You sound so strong OP. You and your little bubba do not need this man. You are a great role model for any child

FriendofBill · 25/09/2016 16:33

And he will have to pay maintenance, if he likes it or not.

Block him on social media, don't let yourself be troubled further. I know it's tempting but it's not good for you or the baby.

Start doing things that are good for you. Put your hand on your tummy and take some deep breaths.

Love & look after you both.

pinkandstripey · 25/09/2016 16:37

Sorry to hear about your cockhead of an ex.

The best pregnancy advice in the world is to find the relevant month's antenatal group on here. My Ds2 is about 18 months and I have 60 amazing ladies (we moved to fb) who I've been through pregnancy, birth and everything after. A world of support - and I even found one lives in my city!

cautiousxoptimist · 25/09/2016 18:49

Thank you so much ladies your kind words have kept me going today. I went for brunch with my girlfriend's and told them everything. He's not exactly Mr. Popular today. Managed to data good portion of food which I've bee struggling with recently.

I'll definitely check out that board pink - sounds like it could be good for me. Dreading going into work tomorrow, I just hope I manage to keep it together.

I've deactivated my social media accounts for a while - that way I won't be tempted to look at either of them. Hard as it is it will do me good in the long run X

OP posts:

positivity123 · 25/09/2016 21:00

Congratulations on your pregnancy. He sounds awful so it's great that you have a network of friends to rely on. I'm due in a couple of weeks and I've found NCT and pregnancy yoga a great way to meet people going through pregnancy so I'd sign up to something if I were you. Wishing g you all the best

Flip

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