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Help advice needed urgently

(6 Posts)
angel2091985 Wed 21-Sep-16 10:52:49

Hi I met a guy a while ago and have been dating a little we spoke about wanting to get married when older an he said he wanted kids (I have 2 he doesn't have any) and 2 days ago I found out I was pregnant and his phone was off so I'm panicking and ended up sending a message to his mum as felt I couldn't make the decision alone! He's now saying he wants the baby but I don't want to be a single parent to 3 kids! He's trying to reassure me but he seems to calm on the phone and I'm freaking out in tears and he's saying it will all be ok! Is this normal and any advice is very much welcome! Problem is I struggle with my girl as she has ADHD, ODD and possible aspergers!

Excusemyfrench Wed 21-Sep-16 11:22:48

Hi, Congratulations on your pregnancy !

You say you have dated for a little while- how long is that?
Is he stand up guy who has shown love and support for you over the X amount of time you have been together or is he a bit flaky and more of a casual hook up you really like/love ?

If you are sure about his intentions of supporting you emotionally and financially as well as your 2 other children then thats great and if you really want this baby then go for it !

If you are not sure then you need to ask yourself wether you can look after 3 children on your own. Are you financially stable? How will you cope with work? Sometimes being in love with someone is just not enough.

Why was his phone off when you couldn't reach him? How long couldn't you reach him for? Has this happened before? If this is the first time that has happened and he has a reasonable explanation then fine, if not that would be a bit of a red flag for me.

Bets of luck x

angel2091985 Wed 21-Sep-16 13:02:01

Hi his phone was off for 2 days and he said he couldn't find the charger, he does live between his mums and granddads so is plausible and yes first time it's happened before! Known him about 6 months been dating for 3 but didn't have intercourse for a while after, obviously not long ago as test said 1-2 weeks! He's stepped up asking what I want but I'm an emotional wreck so can't really think but he said he would like it and will be there to support me and will work through the relationship! He has values which is good and we did have a discussion and said when we're older we would like to get married and I said I would have more if my partner wanted kids just wasn't expecting this soon! I mean his mums probably been thinking about it all at work as she knows now! Not ideal to message the mum to get through to him but was my only option! What would you do? He's been talking about it and said he wouldn't mind what sex but would like a girl so she could be a daddy's girl and he can protect her which was sweet!

Excusemyfrench Wed 21-Sep-16 15:08:41

Ask yourself the right questions. Its very sweet that he says things like he would like a daddy's girl, its a great start (given you havent been together long and this is unexpected)but there are bigger things to consider.

You say he lives between his mum and granddads - does that mean he doesn't have a home to himself? How come?
What work does he do, can he and will he support you financially when you cant work? Can you move into a place together?
What work do you do?
You dont know him very well- Do you think he will be a good step father to your children? Has he had previous relationships?
You said your daughter requires more attention from you and you struggle a bit with it, will he be able to support you there? Will you cope with her and a new baby?

I think if you answer all these questions it will help you decide how this will all pan out. You seem to, despite being overwhelmed by the news of your pregnancy which is normal, be very excited about this baby.
In order to make this work I would just be very practical and organised and have a back up plan if the relationship doesnt work out. I.e do you have family near by that can support you?

I met my husband and knew very early he was the one and 10 years on I still feel the same. Doing things quickly doesnt always mean it will fail but you have to ask yourselves the right questions before jumping into any decision.

all the best xx

angel2091985 Thu 22-Sep-16 07:13:02

Sorry couldn't remember all questions so had to paste them! And yes I have family nearby to help me!
You say he lives between his mum and granddads - does that mean he doesn't have a home to himself? How come?
What work does he do, can he and will he support you financially when you cant work? Can you move into a place together?
What work do you do?
You dont know him very well- Do you think he will be a good step father to your children? Has he had previous relationships?
You said your daughter requires more attention from you and you struggle a bit with it, will he be able to support you there? Will you cope with her and a new baby?

No he doesn't have his own home as he looks after his granddad sometimes and it's more helpful for his mum for him to pay rent rather than her move! I have my own place so he would probably move in with me and I'm a hairdresser but I work around the kids! And no I don't know him well enough to say if he would be a good step dad yet but he said he's willing to give it a go! Yes he has had previous relationships but I don't ask as I think the past is the past! He does window fitting aswell as various other jobs and said he can get a job anywhere! And we're waiting for a re-diagnosis for my daughter as we think she has been misdiagnosed so once I know then I can help her! I could probably cope and I'm not sure if my daughter would be against a baby or go into a nurturing role as she's great with baby's! Problem is he said he would call when he got home last night but didn't! I sent him a message saying after what I told u I expected you to at least call and explain whether he was talking to his mum about it, battery was low and he left charger at granddads or whatever! I was quite annoyed actually! He's meant to be over today so I suppose if he doesn't come then my decision will be made up for the doctors tomorrow as I did say I didn't want to be a single parent to a baby and 2 kids and he said he would be there 24/7 to help so I suppose if he doesn't come today then it says he will probably not be there 24/7 for me! I suppose something as big as this is kind of a eye opener for me!

Excusemyfrench Thu 22-Sep-16 12:10:25

Yes If he cant even call you at the end of a day when he said he would and keeps ' forgetting' his charger it doesnt sound like he is that involved or responsible.

Did I understand right, he does jobs but doesnt have a job?
How old are you both?

I guess see how the next few days go, dont chase him.
there is so much uncertainty concerning him in your situation I would ask my self if I could do this alone more than anything. If you really want this baby then thats what I would be looking into. The relationship working and him turning out to be a stand up guy will be a bonus but at least youve got your family covered and your dependant on no one. Can you handle this on your own?

If youre not sure wether you want the baby and youre basing that decision on the relationship then I think thats very precarious and a bit of a long shot where you could end up alone and isolated with a lot on your shoulders.

Remove him from the equation for a second, what do you want to do?

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