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Can I ask for a new midwife if I don't like mine?

(24 Posts)
Ryooki Tue 13-Sep-16 14:56:28

I'm nearly 11 weeks and my booking in appointment is this Thursday. This will be the first time I've met my midwife but I've already got a bad feeling about her. If I really can't get on with her after meeting her do I have the right to ask for a different midwife (if there even is one?)?

Bit of background so far:

When she first contacted me she was pleasant enough but sounded like she was reading from a script and a bit blunt. She said things like "You'll be offered a scan at 12-14 weeks but this is not for your benefit. This is a dating scan." and "When you have your 18-20 week scan this is also not for you, but to look for anomalies. Therefore you will not be offered another if we cannot determine the sex of your baby there and then." Bear in mind I never asked her about any of this - she just started talking and didn't let me get a word in.

She also upset me a little bit at one point because she said "We don't get you in for your booking appointment before 10 weeks as that's when most women miscarry and it would then be a waste of everyone's time"! shock Considering I spoke to her at 4 weeks, I've been on edge every day since basically waiting for something to go wrong.

Also, I was having some pain around week 8 and tried to contact her for advice but she never returned my calls or texts.

This is my first pregnancy so I don't know what to expect? I appreciate midwives are over worked and must get the same questions and attitudes put to them every day but I find her immediate lack of tact and empathy worrying sad

SolomanDaisy Tue 13-Sep-16 15:02:56

She was a bit blunt during one phone call, she may be a wonderful midwife. And everything she said about the scans and the booking appointment is true, it can't have been the first time you heard that most m/c are in the first trimester? You haven't met her yet, so try not to worry until you have.

Fairybella Tue 13-Sep-16 15:03:36

Most things she told you sound true... She seemed to lack sensitivity but maybe she didn't mean to scare you.
It's unlikely you will see her each time. But yes you can change midwives if you wish

AppleJac Tue 13-Sep-16 15:05:50

I can understand why you have doubts!

I dont like the sound of her at all.

I dont know whether you can request another one though

Ryooki Tue 13-Sep-16 15:16:30

SolomanDaisy I did know about the miscarriage information, but I didn't expect her to imply I'd be wasting her time if I saw her and then lost my baby. Seemed very mean to me, but maybe I'm just overly sensitive at the moment?

I am very willing to give her the benefit of the doubt and see how she is face to face. I know everyone has off days but I was just exploring my options at this stage. I really hope she is a wonderful midwife.

I just wanted to get across that I have reservations about her for reasons other than 'I just don't like her'.

Ryooki Tue 13-Sep-16 15:18:06

Fairybella thanks for confirming I can change if needs be. I feel more at ease already!

SolomanDaisy Tue 13-Sep-16 15:31:32

I was told exactly the same thing about the timing of booking appointments during my first pregnancy and I did go on to lose the pregnancy. So it just seemed
like sensible advice to me.

Ryooki Tue 13-Sep-16 15:40:03

Sorry you lost your first pregnancy flowers. Thank you for your advice and honesty.

JohnLapsleyParlabane Tue 13-Sep-16 15:41:23

I didn't see the same midwife twice in my pregnancy, and had never met any of the four I had throughout labour. Do you know for definite if she's going to be a consistent presence?

Kariana Tue 13-Sep-16 15:42:14

Are you sure you're seeing the same midwife on Thursday? I've been under midwife care in two different trusts due to a house move and in both you get assigned to a team and don't usually see the same person. I've seen a couple of the team more than once, but several just once (including thankfully the one I didn't like - never saw to her again). I'd wait and see if you get assigned a team. The booking appointment isn't that exciting anyway so even if it is the same woman she won't be spoiling anything major iyswim and you can check whether it's just her or a team that will be seeing you in future before you kick up a fuss.

123rd Tue 13-Sep-16 15:43:36

Haven't read all posts but just to say in my first pregnancy I changed quite late in the day. My original midwife was plain rude.along with other things that I won't bore you with.
I just got added to a comm
Midwife list not an issue.
Change now, will be better for you and baby

ClockMakerSue Tue 13-Sep-16 15:45:20

I wasn't told any of that before my booking appointment and I think the wasting everyone's time comment was unnecessary. I needed support before 12 weeks and went to the gp and EPAU for that. Didn't see the midwife until 12 weeks. I would have probably changed (if when I met her she was the same) as her manner wouldn't have been compatible with what I needed emotionally. She may be better face to face but if not change. Congrats!

2014newme Tue 13-Sep-16 15:46:28

I saw a different midwife every time. I got transferred to a different hospital in labour due to capacity issues and had a different midwife there anyway.
I would be surprised if because you spoke to her on the phone that means she will deliver your baby

Northernlurker Tue 13-Sep-16 15:52:24

Everything she told you was true. There is no point in booking in too early and there is bugger all a midwife can do re aches and pain in the first trimester. Why not give this woman a chance instead of deciding it won't work before you've even met her.

LynseyH Tue 13-Sep-16 16:10:40

Personally I think she was rather harsh. I get she's telling you the facts but there are nicer ways to do it!!
As a first time mum, your bound to have questions and/or worries but she made herself quite unapproachable.

Since I moved to my house 3 years ago, I've had 2 mc and now 18+4 with (so far) a healthy pregnancy and in every single appt I have seen the same midwife. I live in a city so not like it's a small place!

I hope she was just having an 'off day' and she's much nicer in person. Best of luck flowers

RaeSkywalker Tue 13-Sep-16 16:18:34

If you aren't happy after you booking appointment, you'd be wishing your rights to change. Some people do come across badly on the phone- maybe she came across really badly.

The only note of caution I'd add is now to expect too much, even if you change- appointments are so short now, and they have to impart so much knowledge during that time, that the process has felt very impersonal to me. And my midwife has been ok!

RaeSkywalker Tue 13-Sep-16 16:23:45

^ 'within', not 'wishing' 🙄

Iwantagoonthetrampoline Tue 13-Sep-16 16:32:27

I've also not seen the same midwife twice so far through this pregnancy and was the same last time too. Check if you do, but even if so I'd give her another chance first. Yes she was tactless but everyone has off days.

Ryooki Tue 13-Sep-16 16:33:27

Thank you very much everyone for your help and advice. I wish MN had a 'like' button for your posts just like Facebook smile

I haven't been told for definite that she'll be the only midwife I see but friends in my area who've had babies in the past said they only had one midwife, so I just assumed (perhaps wrongly) I would be no different? I couldn't ask them about anything as I haven't told them I'm pregnant yet so thought I'd try to get answers here. smile

I'm very much someone who likes to plan ahead and to know my options in advance. I hate looking for solutions when I'm already in a flap because that leads to me making poor decisions where I'm stressed.

Like I/ you all said, fingers crossed she was just having an off day, I'll go to my appointment with an open mind and hope she banishes my reservations I currently have about her.

LynseyH congrats on your pregnancy! flowers

MrsNuckyThompson Tue 13-Sep-16 16:35:42

I think what I'd say is it's HIGHLY unlikely that you'll see her throughout AND that it is even more unlikely she'll actually be the person to deliver you. It doesn't sound like a very nice experience, but not sure it's worth rocking the boat - give her another chance and if you can bring it up with her you should. Clear the air and you never know she might buck up her ideas a bit!

UnicornPee Tue 13-Sep-16 19:12:56

Yes
I was given a horrible bitch so I had them give me another.
They were totally fine about swapping me (I take it in not the only one who complained as they were not shocked)

Monstamio Wed 14-Sep-16 13:20:30

I would give her the benefit of the doubt until you've seen her. She could have just been having a bad day, or dealt with a stream of people who were pushing for early reassurance scans or demanding that she rebook their 20 wk scan because they didn't find out the sex etc.

If you don't like her after you've met then you can request another midwife. In my trust you see the same community midwife for antenatal appointments during pregnancy but give birth with the hospital or birthing centre team which will be different people.

Don't take the miscarriage stuff too much to heart either. It really is better that way. I was one of those people who did all the booking in stuff only to lose the baby at 12 weeks. Months later I was called by the health visitor team to arrange meetings etc for a baby which hadn't got that far. Much harder to deal with.

dylsmimi Wed 14-Sep-16 13:54:52

3 pregnancies and loads of community midwives! I tended to have a named midwife on my notes but didn't routinely see them - this last time the first time I saw 'my' midwife was at my last appointment. Unless you have a home birth it will be an entirely different team who see you at the hospital / birth centre when you are in labour. However, she may be the one that comes out to you after you have had your baby and I found that's when I was most emotional and in need of more help so you do need to be confident in her and if you aren't happy then swap. Otherwise the routine appointments are all fairly standard - check urine, blood pressure, heart rate later on and then out in 5/10 mins!
Good luck

BreatheDeep Wed 14-Sep-16 14:47:06

First pregnancy I never saw the same midwife twice. This time I have the same one for my routine appointments (unless she's on holiday or something) and she also works as part of the team at the hospital so there's a small chance she might deliver my baby too. But I think this is highly unusual.

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