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Telling people before 12 weeks

(24 Posts)
HotScotch Wed 29-Jun-16 09:42:37

I've NC for this thread. Sorry this is a long post!

I'm 6 weeks pg. It wasn't particularly planned but not unwelcome. We were DTD without protection so assuming it would happen at some point but we weren't planning ovulation times or taking temperatures IYSWIM.

I've had 2 MCs in the past, both before the 12 week scan. The first time no-one knew I was pregnant and only a few people know I MC. The second time I told people about the pregnancy straight away at about 4 weeks, mainly because DH was working away and I needed to share my excitement and horror. I lost that one at about 9 weeks.

After the second MC several people commented that I shouldn't have told anyone so early and should have waited until 12 weeks when the risk of MC decreases.
I get this but I feel uneasy about it. To me it feels as though these people were saying that the period before 12 weeks doesn't really 'count' and an MC before 12 weeks doesn't 'count' as a proper MC because there was a higher risk anyway. It kind of assumes that I didn't/don't/shouldn't feel particularly attached to the life growing in me. The fact that I do feel attached to it is kind of illegitimized as irrational (ie only someone irrrational would get attached to something that they have a high risk of losing).

I also feel as though the 12 week 'rule' makes MC something that we should be ashamed of or not talk about. By not talking about our pregnancies before 12 weeks when there's a high risk of MC, we're implicitly agreeing to also not talk about our MC.

On the other hand, I understand it's awkward to potentially tell someone you're pg one week then the next week have to tell them you've MC and the risk of that is higher earlier on.

Did anyone else tell people before 12 weeks? How did it go?

Kuriusoranj Wed 29-Jun-16 09:51:46

I understand what you're saying and I agree with your conclusion for yours and for slightly different reasons. I lost our first pregnancy at 9 weeks. We had told virtually nobody and one of the hardest things for me was that this baby had lived and died without anyone ever knowing they had existed. So for my next pregnancies we didn't make huge announcements but we did let the news filter out. Luckily they were both fine, but I did take comfort in the fact that if anything had happened we wouldn't have had to bear it alone.

We did get some sideways looks for telling so early, and I get why people choose not to, but this worked for us.

Very best of luck for a calm, uneventful pregnancy this time and congratulations on the baby!

Duckyneedsaclean Wed 29-Jun-16 09:58:05

We told family & friends at 8 weeks, for the same reason - I'd want support if I miscarried.

ICJump Wed 29-Jun-16 09:58:23

For all three of my pregnancies I've told some people I was pregnant. Those were the people that I needed when I had a miscarriage with pregnancy number 2. We didn't tell my parent's in law because I would have found it too hard to deal with as they aren't particularly helpful or kind.
But... I'm a bit odd I don't announce pregnancy. It's more I tell who I see. No facebook photo, no big get together, no baby shower. Just bring it up if it comes up.

kiki22 Wed 29-Jun-16 10:00:37

I've told people before 12 weeks all 3 times, I never made a big announcement any time but told some friends and family the news kind of just spread, first one I lost and again told a few people then the news filtered out.

Lots of people have commented on how early I've told people but I wouldnt have wanted to like my baby never happened just go in like everything's fine it was such an awful time I really needed support and sensitivity. I think it makes people uncomfortable to know your baby died so its easier for them not to know.

HotScotch Wed 29-Jun-16 10:08:32

^ I think it makes people uncomfortable to know your baby died so its easier for them not to know^ Yes, exactly.

I hadn't really thought about it from a support angle to be honest. Me and DH are very insular anti-social bastards so when I lost the second pg we didn't really draw on support so much as supported each other. But I can see how that adds another dimension to the decision.

As others have said, there wouldn't be any big announcements, really just dropping it into conversation with people as/when it comes up.

puzzledleopard Wed 29-Jun-16 11:30:33

I've had 4 mc 2 mc in early 20s then DD with ex and 2 more Mc since with DP
My first pg&mc I didnt announce or tell many people but the news spread.
2nd nobody knew.
3rd Pg DD had periods and bleeding first 2 months didnt find out till 8 weeks told close friends after 12 week scan did put on FB but then I had about 30 friends at the time and everyone of them I knew in person.
3rd Mc only people who knew I was pregnant was dp and sister found out when she had DD when I went into hospital, I then told my mum and DP told his dad (His mum was in hospital unwell, I still dont think she knows)
4th mc only me and my partner knew.

I think people have different ways of dealing with it I personally prefer not to tell anyone, I am sad that the majority my miscarriages have been a bit like my babies never existed to the outside world but then I know I/we care that is all that matters. I am not ashamed of my mcs and it has nothing to do with the 12 week guideline nor is that reason I didnt tell anyone.

I think it makes people uncomfortable to know your baby died so it's easier for them not to know Yes, exactly.

I think its the above I really do not think people mean to be insensitive when they say "oh well there is a lot more risk before 12 weeks" because it is just that they really dont know what to say and they think that by saying that they are being helpful in someway. But to tell someone they shouldn't tell anyone before 12 weeks is unfair, When someone says that it's clear that they dont want to be put in that position but as it's up to the individuals to decide when and how they announce their pregnancy.

I had someone come up with my first asking where he/she was they must be here by now! and it was horrible to have to say and their face said it all. Obviously heard first news/gossip exciting news but didn't hear the sad news. Since then I think I've wanted to keep it more private.

I've drawn most of my support from DP but even he deals with grief in a different way to me and I've had to respect and understand that. I think people can be really insensitive surrounding mc and even the nicest people and even when they really do not mean to be!

Having DD I couldn't risk people knowing and everyone telling her shes going to be a big sister because I would then have to be the one having to break it to her and explain that she won't. She would constantly ask and tell people "my mummy was having a baby but shes not now" because that's how she is. I want to deal with my grief my way as selfish as that sounds.

Oysterbabe Wed 29-Jun-16 12:01:55

This is a really personal decision and what's right for you would not be for someone else.
I don't think anyone thinks a MC before 12 weeks doesn't count.

Personally I would hate having to discuss my miscarriage with anyone unless I had no choice, it would be really painful for me.
I waited until I was lower risk, past 12 weeks, to minimise the possibility of this happening. Had I miscarried before then I might have chosen to seek support from various people but it would have been my choice. I wouldn't have been forced to talk about it with people because I had already told them I was pregnant.

Numberoneisgone Wed 29-Jun-16 12:04:16

I find this notion of not telling those closest to you as almost a rule bizarre. I needed support when I was going through a suspected miscarriage and got it from those who mattered as they knew I was pregnant. Like everything there should be no hard and fast rule.

Seekingmiracles Wed 29-Jun-16 18:57:34

Do what ever feels comfortable to you. I've had 4 miscarriages and completely agree that it shouldn't be taboo. The 4 babies I lost were very real to me and each one was very much wanted, their losses heartbreaking. I wanted their memory to be real, not something I felt I should hide, so with each pregnancy I told a few supportive friends and my parents. And with each loss they were fantastically supportive. With this current pregnancy, their joy with each successful milestone passed was almost as much as my own.
I think the people who give the sideways glances or make comments just find it a difficult subject, they don't know what to say IF something were to go wrong. Now don't get me wrong I think big announcements/ social media should be left until you know things are a little more safe - but a few good friends and family are completely understandable . Good luck

Whatsername17 Wed 29-Jun-16 20:28:57

Having lost a baby and then having to tell people because I was a train wreck, I would say it doesn't make the tiniest but of difference. I am telling people if it comes up because I can not face lying. The only person I haven't told is my 4 yo dd. She would be hurt and upset. Everyone else doesn't matter. Any fucking idiot that tells you that you shouldn't tell people before 12 weeks needs a smack in the face. A loss is horrific no matter when it happens. Good luck with your pregnancy flowers

Whatsername17 Wed 29-Jun-16 20:39:34

I should probably add, I don't keep my mc secret either. I wear a ring that people sometimes ask about and if they ask why it was bought I tell them it is the birthstone of the baby I lost. I was 13 weeks when I lost my baby. I'm not going to hide it. I will tell people what I've been through because I feel like I want to. Most people just say 'I'm sorry to hear that' but some surprise you. Some are blunt and abrupt. Others have been through it told and it helps to hear about it.

happylass Fri 01-Jul-16 06:30:45

I agree with others that it is a completely personal decision. We waited until after the 12 week scan to tell people (other than close family) and someone at DH's work commented that 12 weeks was too early and we shouldn't be telling people hmm. Sadly losses happen at all stages of pregnancy though obviously the risk diminishes after 12 weeks. Do what is right for you and don't give other people's opinions a second thought.

Strokethefurrywall Fri 01-Jul-16 14:42:47

I think the notion of not telling people until 12 weeks generally coincides with the 12 week scan, and I assume most people don't wish to say anything until they see everything is well on the screen. But for some, there is some stupid idea that telling anyone before the 12 week scan somehow "jinxes" the pregnancy and I get fucked off with people who think that way. Telling someone the news that you're pregnant cannot ever jinx your pregnancy. My mum said this to me when we told people about our first "gosh, you're telling people early, you don't want to jinx it!" - I think I responded "are you seriously suggesting that we're going to get struck down by the shitfuck jinx brush just because we told people?"

We told our families and good friends as soon as we got the positive test, had a scan at 5+6 (we have monthly scans here), saw the heartbeat and then told friends in our wider circle at around 7 weeks.

We live overseas and our friends are like our family so I knew I would want support if the pregnancy did not continue.

It is absolutely personal choice and there is no right or wrong answer. I think having early scans here means many are comfortable announcing once they see the heartbeat between 6-8 weeks.

sundayraspberry Fri 01-Jul-16 19:04:41

Agree with previous posters that it is a totally personal decision. Not everyone would find talking about a MC with friends and family a helpful part of the grieving process.

I didn't have a choice whether to keep quiet or not as I had to tell work as soon as i found I was pg due to the nature of the job (in fact had to tell one colleague before DH!). My colleagues were fantastic when I mc'd (MMC discovered at 12 week scan) and we didn't tell our family or close friends as we'd had fertility issues and I didn't want them knowing we'd been TTC and the pressure of getting pg again soon after. Really appreciated the support from my colleagues at the time tho, many had gone through the same.

When I got pg again we chose to tell both our families before our 12 wk scan resisted the urge to buy a private scan as I don't agree with them

Good luck with your pregnancy OP!

Cel982 Fri 01-Jul-16 19:18:48

We didn't tell anyone before 12 weeks, but it was nothing to do with any sense of stigma or that it wasn't a 'real' baby yet. I just knew that if I did miscarry, the very last thing I would want would be concerned phone calls from my (lovely) parents, or flowers from my (also lovely) MIL. I just don't deal well with sympathy from others and I knew that aspect of it would stress me out massively. Luckily all went well for us but I will stick to the same policy next time around.

All that said, it's ridiculous to tell someone they shouldn't share their news early on. The only think that matters is who you feel comfortable with knowing if anything goes wrong.

April241 Sat 02-Jul-16 23:52:49

I told my mum, dad, sister, boss and very very close friends at 4/5 weeks and my OH was the same.

I told both my Grans about 8 weeks and everyone else after the dating scan.

My reason being that if we were ever to MC i'd be telling those closest to me anyway so would rather they knew from the start, I couldn't handle the thought of having to tell people i'd "been" pregnant.

I haven't ever had a MC though, this was just a personal decision based on how i'd feel should it happen to me. I had a lot of very severe cramping for several weeks at the beginning of my pregnancy and my doctor told me my body was "preparing to get rid of whatever is there" so I was glad for the support of my parents and friends while we waited for our scan.

Griffs123 Sun 03-Jul-16 21:09:47

I really love your post smile We told everyone around the 6 week mark with my little girl, despite me having had bleeding. 12 months TTC, no way was I not celebrating and welcoming those 'congratulations'! I had a lot of problems with that pregnancy but it had a very happy ending. With my 2nd pregnancy we announced around 6 weeks again and I suffered a missed miscarriage at 9 weeks. I was so gutted but also so happy I had announced it. I got lots of support and I wanted to talk to people about it. I was pregnant, I made and lost a life, that's important.

Anyone who tells you that you shouldn't have announced it is an asshole. Without doubt. I cannot think of anything more cruel and insensitive. You are right, it is like they expect you to be ashamed or embarrassed and that only causes women to be more ashamed and embarrassed. The fact is, most people react in a totally normal way when you tell them you've miscarried and that helps. You see their sadness for you and they offer comfort, it's a pretty straight forward process. It's like we're suggesting people aren't grown up enough to support grieving friends.

We have chosen not to say anything at this point but that is purely down to us not wanting our 4 year old to know just yet and I'm not telling the world before I tell my world. It's such a long time to wait and I want to do something special when we announce it.

Do what you feel is best for you and your family smile

Kpo58 Sun 03-Jul-16 21:27:38

Apart from my DH, the only person I told before 12 weeks was a sympathetic boss at work. That way they would understand if I was acting odd. It also made it easier when I miscarried on my first pregnancy so there weren't any awkward conversations of why I needed a few days off work.

StubbleTurnips Sun 03-Jul-16 21:35:09

I'm currently 16w and no one knows except DH. We have had miscarriages, and when pregnant with DD I couldn't handle the inquisition from DMil about every bloody midwife appointment. We're keeping stum until we can tell DD if it's a brother or a sister - we want her to be the first to know.

GVW12 Mon 04-Jul-16 15:03:35

Hi everyone my first post. I POAS last night and a (surely not) second line started to show, so faint (it couldn't be) so went downstairs to ask opinion of OH.
Definitely 2 lines.
Due date calculators tell me I'm 3+6 but I think it's more like 2 weeks, so very early days. My OH was very pleased, I still don't quite believe it...
I sent a pic of the test to my best friend but she is the only one I've told. I have a large family and my parents are vocally keen to be grandparents. Also eldest sibling and none of us have children yet.
I'm not that young (31) and was surprised to hear my friends/extended circle with children talk about how many MC they had - I knew nothing about them. Made me realise how common they can be and as a result I don't want to get mine (or anyone else's) hopes up too much. We're going to wait til 12 weeks to make 'big' announcement but not sure how long I will last before then with other close friends/family.

frobskottle Mon 04-Jul-16 15:26:34

I can see it from both sides...with my first pregnancy we didn't tell anyone until 12 weeks. At 12 weeks it was amazing we told our families, everyone was exciting, it was amazing! I'd have loved to do this again.
During my second pregnancy sadly I had a missed miscarriage that we found out about at the 12 week scan. We then had to tell my mum as she had DS so had to look after him for the whole day while I had a D+C. It was depressing to tell our families this news...possibly better than if they'd known before? Im not sure. We told a few friends but I didn't want to tell many. Now I wish everyone knew as it'd be easier in some circumstances.
Equally it does mean that this time round maybe we wont have worried reactions rather than happy ones maybe.
I've told my mum as she will have DS during the scan again, she was pleased and said good luck but no one has mentioned it again. I'm looking forward to the scan being over so it's happy!
So I think either was is fine. We used to judge people for telling us early but no longer do that!

MissClarke86 Mon 04-Jul-16 19:32:49

I'm much happier people knowing, so that they understand any obscure behaviour or absences etc.

I had a MC in Feb that went on and on and I had to be in and out for various appointments and at one point had a huge bleed when I was delivering a staff meeting and literally had to bolt out of the door in the middle! It helped me knowing that some people knew what was going on and didn't just think I was bonkers.

Primaryteach87 Mon 04-Jul-16 19:44:57

Yes I did. I miscarried 4 times before having my first child, all pre-12 weeks. The first time we didn't tell anyone, after that we knew we would want our friends & families support should the worst happen.

The only reason not to tell X or y person is if you wouldn't want them to know if you miscarried.

I'm also very very uneasy about the language people use "you can't tell yet" and the idea that by telling you are tempting fate. The reality is if you were going to miscarry you would anyway, except you'd be doing it without anyone else knowing.

Maybe it makes others feel uncomfortable but I didn't care! It's my body and our loss, so we told whoever we damned well pleased!

For us this meant our parents, siblings and about 5 friends.

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