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*sensitive* Feeling guilty

(6 Posts)
PurpleMermaid Wed 01-Jun-16 11:09:35

Posting because I feel like I need to write down how I am feeling, I expect some judgement but really looking for people who have dealt with similar or some advice.

I am pregnant and due in September, very happy and excited and totally in love with my partner. But lately every night I can't stop thinking about an abortion I had 7 years ago, having really horrible dreams and then lie awake all night thinking about it and how I don't deserve to be happy about the new baby arriving when I terminated a pregnancy before. My circumstances then were different in a sense I found out I was pregnant after breaking up with my partner who had been seeing someone else behind my back for 6months but I feel I made the decision irrationally and out of anger and hurt and looking back I don't feel my reasons were enough to justify my decision. I was 7 weeks when I terminated the pregnancy and at the time told myself this was nothing but now after actually going through pregnancy and being excited at an 8 week scan I realise I was wrong and feel so guilty. I never told any friends or family about what I went through only my ex. I don't feel I have anyone to talk to. I could talk to my partner now he is very understanding but I don't want to upset him or offload my past on to him or him be upset that I never told him before, it isn't something I have ever wanted to share.

Dollface136 Wed 01-Jun-16 12:36:35

I haven't been in your situation but I wholeheartedly support any woman's right to make the decision that is best for her. I'm so sorry you are having these feelings of guilt, and even though I can tell you that you shouldn't feel guilty, you probably can't stop it.

What I would say is, if you don't want to open up to your partner, maybe try a support line? Having someone who has talked to lots of women in your position might help?

You do deserve this happiness. In no way does what you decided before make you a bad person or undeserving of your current pregnancy. You did what you thought was right at the time. And, think of it this way. Had you kept that baby, would you be with your current partner living the life you have now? You certainly wouldn't be expecting the baby you are now.

Someone once said to me (about a person passing) that someone leaves your life to make room for someone new in your heart. I think that could be a good way for you to look at your situation. You will always feel some sadness for the baby you didn't have, but maybe that circumstance is what will allow you to be the most loving and amazing mother to this baby.

I wish you the best of luck honey xx

missybct Wed 01-Jun-16 13:09:37

I completely agree with PP.

I had a termination, much more recently than 7 years ago. Although I didn't want to have to make that decision, I acknowledged the decision was the best one for both me and my partner (who I am still with, and am now 23 weeks pregnant), and our respective situations. Had we continued with the pregnancy, our lives would be a great deal different and I do not believe we would have stayed together long enough to overcome the problems we faced, as a team.

Abortion is something that divides people and always will, and how you are feeling is perfectly natural and valid. You were not wrong to terminate the pregnancy 7 years ago, because you gave perfectly valid reasons for not wanting to bring a child into the world in the situation you were in. It does not mean, 7 years later, you are not fit to be a mother, or that you do not deserve the baby you are busy growing. You do - very much so. There are plenty of people who continue with pregnancies who, on the face of it, are NOT fit to be parents - so it goes to show that having a baby doesn't automatically befit you with the crown of "fit parent" - therefore, having an abortion acts in the same way - it doesn't mean you're "unfit".

Is there anything you'd like to talk about on here? There will be other women who have experienced what you are currently feeling - I can't say I'm feeling the level of guilt you are experiencing, but I do know I have had moments of this feeling and the shame associated with it.

user1456676628 Wed 01-Jun-16 16:43:19

Hi like you I had a termination when I was in my 2nd year of uni. I had been with my partner for 18 months when a drunken slip up (no contraception) led to us getting pregnant. I thought my world had ended didn't know what to do but after a good talk we agreed it wasn't the right time for a child. That was ten years ago and my partner is now my husband we have a daughter and another one on the way. As you go through this pregnancy you will always think "what if" or "I wonder what would have happened" but DON'T go beating yourself up over it. Sometimes it just isn't the right time or the right set of circumstances for a child. Obviously this time it is right and I have no doubt things will work out well for you. Don't feel guilty, think of how much more positive this pregnancy will be!

wispaxmas Wed 01-Jun-16 21:05:41

I have no insight, but I couldn't just read and run.

I just want to offer you a weird internet hug, because it must be so difficult, but no matter what you've been through in the past you most definitely deserve to enjoy your new pregnancy and baby.

I do think you should confide in your partner, though. You're obviously going through a lot and need some loving support in real life. It could also be an idea to tell your midwife about it and that you're feeling depressed because of it as they can refer you for help and give you someone to speak to about it who will be completely impartial.

Xx, I really hope you turn a corner and can forgive yourself and move on. You didn't do anything wrong, no matter what your reasons were at the time.

elliej83 Wed 01-Jun-16 21:31:23

I also didn't ant to read and run. You do deserve to be happy you made the right decision for you at the time. Your hormones are all over the place and unhappy dreams are common in pregnancy I've had a lot myself. Give yourself a break your going to be an amazing mum. Confide in your partner, a friend, a helpline or maybe we were enough?

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