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Am I wrong?

(21 Posts)
MusicIsMedicine Wed 25-May-16 08:58:45

Had a very difficult and complicated pregnancy and due to have an ELCS soon. Have been advised this could still end with me and/or baby in ICU.

I'm very frightened. I'm also struggling around people keeping asking me the due date. I just feel I want to keep it private and prepare for what's ahead.

DH insists he wants to tell his family of ELCS date. One of them puts everything on their family social media and has no regard for my privacy. I suspect they may well turn up on the day or afterwards without waiting to be invited. I also don't want the pressure and expectations of everyone waiting for info then having to inform them of bad or difficult news. My fears are well founded.

This is causing arguments between me and DH and making me stressed and upset. He says he doesn't like being vague every time his parents ask him the due date.

I am livid and upset that he is ignoring my feelings and fears. Please help.

Nicky333 Wed 25-May-16 09:01:11

If your section is going to be before your actual due date, just tell them your due date. Your DH doesn't need to be vague then, merely factual.

MilkTwoSugarsThanks Wed 25-May-16 09:01:18

Difficult.

Could your DH say something along the lines of "if you put this on social media or tell anyone else you will never ever be trusted again."?

Sanch1 Wed 25-May-16 09:05:38

I assume your elcs will be before your actual due date? In which case just tell them the due date youve had since your 12 week scan. Not vague, not lying!

3luckystars Wed 25-May-16 09:07:04

Just lie and say it's a week after.

ButtonsAndBows Wed 25-May-16 09:07:09

Can you give a date about a week after, then say it was changed last minute or something? It must be annoying, when i read things like this I feel grateful no one is that interested in my dates etc

AliceInHinterland Wed 25-May-16 09:07:11

In my opinion since it's happening to your body you should have the final say. I think you can ask your husband to be supportive of that and just say that you want it to be a surprise that you can announce the birth afterwards yourself, like people who have a more straightforward birth - put a bit of a positive spin on it (though I appreciate that's not what you're feeling). Your birth is not public property. Good luck!!

AliceInHinterland Wed 25-May-16 09:10:55

I'm sorry that you're so frightened too by the way, sounds like your husband is too but not dealing with it in the most effective way.

Whatsername17 Wed 25-May-16 09:51:25

I'd go with straight honest truth. Next time your inlays ask, say that you are keeping it private because of the complications and how stressed that you feel about the whole thing. They can either like it or lump it and your dh doesn't need to be vague anymore. He just needs to support you. Good luck.

GashleyCrumbTiny Wed 25-May-16 14:02:25

No, you're not wrong. And your husband doesn't need to be vague. He can say very plainly and clearly: " We're not telling anyone the due date because we want some recovery and adjustment time to ourselves without have to deal with visitors or updating people on top of that. We'll let you know as soon as we're ready for all that."

Or you just give them a date a week later.

Sorry you're having a worrying time. Your husband should be trying to help take the pressure off, not piling it on.

MusicIsMedicine Wed 25-May-16 14:08:46

Thanks for the replies.

Have discussed it again and he is saying he wants to tell them the booked date and time and just wants to be honest with them.

Still not listening or considering my feelings.

FoxgloveStar Sat 28-May-16 00:47:00

Tell him it is important to you and he has to respect your wishes. Also write in your birth plan that you don't want any visitors - the midwives should keep them out.

I totally understand. I'm hoping for a normal birth and I still don't want anyone to know when I'm in!!

31weeksgone Sat 28-May-16 01:03:33

I felt like this, I was due to be induced because of medical reasons. My other half felt exactly like yours, and I too didn't want MIL stealing my glory (as silly as that sounds) by announcing the fact I was having a baby that day on FB, or if something went wrong etc. So we went and were induced and had baby all on our own, nobody knew until We phoned them letting them know she was here, perfect way in my opinion. Tell them your due date, not your section date. X

Out2pasture Sat 28-May-16 01:13:36

honesty is the best policy.
is there a reason you haven't shared with your family your health condition?
it might be nice for your husband to have family support if you and the baby are in the hospital for a few days.
just tell them the truth including your request not to have anything on social media.

MusicIsMedicine Sat 28-May-16 11:18:21

Honesty isn't always the best policy and blanket judgments like that aren't helpful.

There are complicated circumstances in the family and they have already been through a huge amount.

Outside of that, it's my health stuff and if I want to keep the birth part private, that's my right and I don't see the need to give a reason or have my choices validated. Everyone is aware it has been a very difficult pregnancy but not right to chapter and verse level and I do not want them worried any further.

Already asked my DH multiple times over months what support he wants and who did he want there and he said he was fine.

The issue is not with me wanting to minimise my and baby's stress at birth time, it is with others who can't or won't respect personal boundaries.

BeardMinge Sat 28-May-16 13:51:14

He's being a dick.

Both of our families spent ages trying to trick me into giving away the date of my ELCS. I just told them that it was going to be at some point during the week beginning 30/11/14 and refused to budge. We rang them as soon as we got out of theatre. Nobody really minded and it meant the date was still a bit of a surprise, just like a natural birth would've been.

He really needs to respect your wishes on this.

AnnaT45 Sat 28-May-16 14:14:20

I feel for you OP. You don't need to justify your decision. Some family members are tricky and you're trying to manage that.

Could you maybe take him to your next midwife app and see if she can support you and get him to understand? Get her to explain that it's going to be stressful enough and you would like time to get your head around it all without being hounded. Does he not feel the same? I really feel like the birth should be your final say and all stresses need to be minimised. It's not a wedding, there is no need for everyone to know the date. Good luck

AnnaT45 Sat 28-May-16 14:14:45

I feel for you OP. You don't need to justify your decision. Some family members are tricky and you're trying to manage that.

Could you maybe take him to your next midwife app and see if she can support you and get him to understand? Get her to explain that it's going to be stressful enough and you would like time to get your head around it all without being hounded. Does he not feel the same? I really feel like the birth should be your final say and all stresses need to be minimised. It's not a wedding, there is no need for everyone to know the date. Good luck

Jojay Sat 28-May-16 14:21:59

I do think that your dh should respect your wishes and not announce the elcs date if that's what you want.

However, if you go down that route, I think that you mustn't tell anyone, not just his family iyswim. It's unfair if your family and friends know but his family don't.

AuntieStella Sat 28-May-16 14:32:59

The ELCS is a procedure on your body and it is up to you and you only what you say about it (including its scheduling).

Why is your DH turning this into a problem?

I agree honesty is the best policy, and the honest answer is "we are keeping that private, thank you, and will update when the baby has been born"

suspiciousofgoldfish Sun 29-May-16 01:23:04

Who exactly is having the surgery? Who is giving birth to the baby?

Oh yes, that'll be you.

When your DH goes through something similar he can disclose whatever details he likes to his family.

Put your foot down op, it's stuff like this that causes issues after the birth with feelings of resentment, regret that it was made unnecessarily stressful etc.

This is absolutely no one else's business other than you and your (hopefully supportive) partner.

The date you get given for your ELECS May not even be correct, you may be held back if there are other EMSC s that day.

Tell your husband to stop being such a selfish twat and respect your wishes.

Good luck, hope it all goes well. Congratulations!

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