My boyfriend of 4 years reacted badly to pregnancy

[micapainter]

Hi,
I'm new to Mumsnet but have lurked on the forums for years finding titbits of useful info for all sorts :) Now I just found out I'm pregnant with my first and have been in a relationship for almost 4 years. We aren't living together but have been recently looking at places to buy. I am feeling very angry and hurt by my boyfriends reaction to the news. He is freaking out right now about whether we can afford it. I was shocked as he has been saying for months how we need to 'get on with it' as he is 42 and I am 36 and he really wants to have kids. We have been having unprotected sex for ages and he said that if it happens it happens and we'd deal with it. Now he is contradicting himself and says we can't just have it and worry about it later.
He seems to really want it to be perfect and have them privately educated but I argued with him that they don't need to go to a private school when there are good state schools, plus I believe if kids have parents who push them a bit more at home to do homework then they'd grow up to be successful ( apologies for my laid back attitude, my head's a mess right now). He seems hell bent on this and I tell him my friends who have kids all manage and you work it out as you go etc etc. He also mentioned he had a ton of debt and that's a red flag as he's never mentioned it before now. I didn't want to push him on it at the time.
He also doesn't get that I'm 36 and I can't wait another 5 years, I'm not saying women shouldn't have kids past 40 but personally I'd rather not. We are in a stable relationship and we could find a place to live in the next 6 moths I'm sure but all I get are excuses such as wanting to wait until we're settled into a house first. He also told me I need to earn more money as he is on a low wage but mine is lower and we should be on equal money? I said how is it equal if I am the one carrying the baby and giving birth to it? What is he going to sacrifice in this?! I don't think we are particularly low money, combined it must be about £45k a year?
All this though has made me question whether I want to even be with this man? He told me I'd have to give up my art practice that I do alongside my full time day job, but that is my passion! Plus I do ok out of it and I feel like I'm getting more success.
I think his issue is he doesn't want to be the sole bread winner and have me sponging off him and not working. I actually feel like he's deceived me as he was asking to see my monthly cycle chart to see when is the best time to try to conceive. It's like he was playing pretend happy families but now it's real he's scared and wants to run back into his cave.
I actually don't feel scared having this on my own as I know I would regret it if I got rid of it.
I'm hoping he is just in shock and scared but I'm worried his words have damaged our relationship. He's saying he didn't realise until after we had sex that it was a dangerous time. I'm angry that he's trying to blame me for it and he's not taking responsibility for his actions.He's acting like a teenager! He also says though that he is also equally thinking how much he wants to have it

Has anybody else been through something similar? Feeling very lost and confused right now :( I was hoping this would be a happy event in our lives but it might cause us to break up.

[Euripidesralph]

I'm so sorry he has reacted like this....he is completely unfair....he knew he was having unprotected sex what on earth did he think would happen

Get your ducks in a row as if you need to do this without him ....listen whilst we all want things to be perfect for our kids life's not like that

I'm a pcos sufferer so dawn right we had to be flexible....both pregnancies I got forced out of work...but we made it work and not for a minute did either of us regret our beautiful boys

It's the hardest but must amazing thing having kids it's the last thing from perfect...if he does bail you will be OK but if he stays hr dawn well better get his head in the game and step up

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

It's like he was playing pretend happy families but now it's real he's scared and wants to run back into his cave.

This isn't uncommon. DS was a very much wanted baby but DH did freak out about it for the first month or so. Not his finest moment by a long chalk, still hurts to think about it and I'm definitely not excusing it, but he did genuinely seem to panic. He did get over it though.

[ASISAYNOTASIDO]

Panic not - a good few of them are toddlers never mind teens when it comes down to the big grown up stuff. He's probably scared witless - my DH reacted somewhat similarly (on all three!) and came out with all sorts of nonsense but now even 14yo DS wisecracks him about what a tosser he was. On the other hand if he wants out - don't try stopping him but it will be the biggest regret of his life. It wasn't my fairytale pregnancy and that hurt but give it time and enjoy it as much as you can with or without him.

[nervoussam]

I'm sorry that you're having to go through this, what should be a happy time has been turned on its head.

I agree with Euripidesralph, get your ducks in a row, just in case. Otherwise I would have a week away from him so that he has the opportunity to realise what an idiot he's been!

There is never a perfect time to have a baby, there's always a bigger house, a safer car, a more secure job and more savings to be had. I'm sure you can both think of people who have had babies in less favourable circumstances, but you make it work. Love and stability are what's important, so this debt thing is something you probably want to know more about if you're financially linking yourself with him. And past this next week, you need to be sure that he would love the baby and do what it takes. The rest shouldn't matter.

Hugs.

[micapainter]

Thanks everyone for all your messages, they have been so helpful :)
I think he's slowly digesting it but seems to be obsessed with the money side of it. I think he's just different to me in that he likes to look at all the facts and I like to look at the feelings. I found a good post by a man online saying how much he focused on money and realised that it wasn't about how much you had but how you spent it. I think it really helped my bf see it from a different angle. Here's the article in case anyone wants to read it: www.parenting.com/article/we-cant-afford-to-have-a-baby

We've agreed to have a few days to thinks about things, even though I've already made up my mind. I think he wants to have a clear plan about what we will need. I just don't understand why a private education is so important to him especially when he saw how much his mum struggled financially because of it. I also think him losing his father when he was a child must play a part in him not feeling secure.

It's good to hear this isn't an unusual reaction and probably a common one? I think he deep down wants it but his head and heart are conflicting. I feel less angry too now at his reaction, I don't see it now so much as a character flaw. I just wish if he wasn't as keen on having kids he wouldn't be so keen to make them and talk about having them! I think even though his brain is 4 inches from his mouth it's pretty much connected to it an he just blurts out whatever he is thinking without second thought.

Just took a third test this morning with the one that actually spells out pregnant so he can't deny it now! I might also make a doctors appointment which might make it sink in a bit more. I hope he speaks to his friends/family as I think they would make him realise he's being a dick. He said he doesn't want them to influence his decision as he might resent them for it?! I said would he resent me then if I also influenced him and he said probably :(

Oh god I just came over all funny and faint/nauseous. It seems to early to feel like this?

[NapQueen]

I honestly don't know why anyone would ttc with someone they didn't even live with.

If he can't even commit enough to live together then it's hardly surprising he isn't too happy about a baby either.

I really think you need to consider whether you want a child alone - worst case scenario being he can't face parenthood - obviously this could do the opposite and spur him on to commit.....

[ImperialBlether]

I agree; I think I'd be considering bringing up this child on my own, with him perhaps helping out occasionally. He sounds bloody useless - when you said he was in his 40s I was really shocked. I thought he was going to be about 22.

[ijustwannadance]

If I were in your position I would keep the baby and carry on living alone if financially possible.
He's 42 ffs. I would also be worried about the amount of debt he was actually in as it may cause you problems if you live together.
Lastly, I would definately not give up on your art. It is amazing you have something that can supplement your income in the future.

[micapainter]

Yeah he has been so rubbish at committing to anything since we've been together but he's actually just sold his flat and as I said we had been looking at houses to buy so his intentions are there. I think he wouldn't shirk his responsibilities being a parent either.
I know 42! he needs to grow up fast. I think not many of his friends have kids so he hasn't really felt peer pressure to have them.
I think this would kick him up his rear end though into finally committing to me.
thanks for the comment about giving up my art, I don;t think he really understands what it means to me.

[ijustwannadance]

If he has sold his flat then he needs to clear his debt before/if you buy together and share a mortgage.

[micapainter]

I asked him this morning about that and he said I must have miss heard him as he doesn't have any debt? But if he is hiding anything it will come out once we apply for a mortgage.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

The other thing is that some people who were privately educated back in the 80s have a... unique perspective of what state schooling is actually like. In their heads it's all hooliganism and sharing one textbook between 30. And I have been on private ed threads where parents have come out with statements like 'in my private school there is a behaviour management policy, you just wouldn't get that in state school.' All utter bollocks, of course.

I'd gently steer any chat away from private ed just now and focus on the here and now. Plenty time to worry about schools later.

[wizzywig]

Id resent the 'sponging off me' comment. How rude! Its his baby too!

[micapainter]

Oh god now I'm feeling shit after these comments, making me question whether I should even be with him anymore.

[cindyrella]

Here's my 2 cents worth.
It sounds like he had an idea in his head that's now become reality. So now he has to think practically and is panicking because he realises that he is now going to be a provider. My OH I rationally freaked out on his worth as a provider before we conceived but his head sorted itself out.

Yes he is an idiot for not thinking it through properly first. But I reckon he just needs time to get his head around it.
Completly agree with other though on preparing yourself but I'd say that to anyone as I think all.wkmen regardless of their situation need to be prepared tk stand on their own. Including me & I feel I've got a good egg in my OH.

[SmallLegsOrSmallEggs]

OP you and he both have roughly 9 months to sort this out.

Neither of you needs to panic yet.

Congratulations!

when you find out its twins that's the time to panic

[micapainter]

I def agree about the private school comment, although I may have poisoned his tiny brain with stories of me working in state schools for the past 8 years! oops. There are some I wouldn't like to send my kids too but there are some great ones too.
I think he is starting to realise he#s being a dick as today he said he's going to pick me up from work as he's worried I'm becoming isolated, plus my sister upset me last night and it really stressed me out. I sometimes feel like sodding off from everyone!
Your posts have been really helpful though, I think I would be feeling much more alone without them. I know he's a good man but I just had to tell him that I need more support right now and not added stress.

[micapainter]

So he decided to come over last night to talk more. He said he doesn't like us having space as he worries I'm becoming isolated and it's making it worse for me. It was really nice to hear him put me first for once.
But nothing has changed, in fact he seems more firm in not wanting it yet. I got so upset as I can't even bear to think about terminating it. I said it's not like we're 20 year olds and only just met, I can't have a termination being nearly 37 and both of us really wanting children, it's madness. I said I would resent him for pressuring me and that I wouldn't want to be with him anymore.
I think he needs more time, I told him I could make it easy for him as I'm fine having it on my own. But he said he couldn't bear knowing I was struggling on my own. I know he really wants kids but he said we could try properly in a years time when we're more settled. I said no way, I just couldn't live with myself and how can he be so certain we'd be able to conceive when I'm 38? He's deluded. Am I missing something? Am I being the selfish one? His flat is delayed by 2 months now but I said we could look for something to buy and fingers crossed by Xmas we'd be moved in. I know it's not ideal and would be a heck of a lot of stress but we'd manage. Worst comes to the worst I have my own flat and supportive family/friends.
This is so hard and I feel like telling him I can't keep seeing him if we keep going round in circles and discussing a termination every time as I get so upset.

[LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett]

Whoah now. This is getting very close to the line - it's OK to have doubts and fears and to discuss them, but this is getting dangerously near him trying to force you to have a termination, which you clearly don't want.

I think you need to lay it on the line: I am having this child, that is not up for discussion, what you now need to decide is the part you'll play in it/my/our lives.

Then concentrate on getting your ducks in a row as you may end up doing this on your own. I'm so sorry, I know that's not what you planned.

(I am completely pro-choice by the way, if you wanted to talk through your options wrt the pregnancy you'd get nothing but support from me. But every line of your posts says to me that this is a much-wanted child. So we need to focus on making that work for you)

[P1nkP0ppy]

He's deluded, selfish and abusive op.
You'd be infinitely better off without him.

[micapainter]

:( He genuinely gets upset though when he sees how upset it makes me but I feel like he is trying to pressure me into doing something I don't want.
You're right, I need to lay it on the line.

[micapainter]

I actually feel sick to my stomach now thinking about the fact that he is trying to make me do something I clearly do not want to do.

[wombthereitis]

A lot of red flags here OP Trying to pressure you into an abortion and saying that you misheard him when he said he had debts would set off alarm bells for me (the latter sounds like gaslighting).