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Overbearing granny

(18 Posts)
MG35 Tue 05-Apr-16 21:34:02

Hi all I'm 34 weeks and getting stressed about giving birth. Not the pain, but the thought of my fussy mum stressing throughout the delivery. I have said I will phone when the labour is progressing but she has firmly stated she will be there from the first twinge.

I've tried not to upset her by saying as above but she does not listen. I am worried she will take over and Dh will be pushed in the background as he's so relaxed. I also get the you are so ungrateful after everything I do for u speech if I insist on doing things my way.

She keeps saying why don't you stay with me and your dad after having baby? I've said no as we want to bond and get in our routine. She just doesn't grasp we are adults and we will need some time and privacy.

I am dreading coming home and having to explain we want to bond with our baby without feeling bad for just wanting our time as a new family and not just having mum turn up as and when.

HELP!!!

SewSlapdash Tue 05-Apr-16 21:37:11

Don't tell her when you go into labour. You don't have to go and stay with her, then you can simply fail to answer the door if she turns up.

KayTee87 Tue 05-Apr-16 21:37:24

No wonder you are feeling stressed out. My suggestion is just don't contact anyone when you go into labour and ask your dh to contact when you're ready. She might be annoyed at first but she'l get over it. You dont get this time back, your mum has had her children now and she's probably forgotten what it's like.

nearlyteatime101 Tue 05-Apr-16 21:44:16

I agree with the above, just don't mention going into labour. Its tricky after the birth because on a practical level it would be a bit awkward to not answer the door if she came round, especially if you/DP needed to go out for something. Maybe you could try getting her really really involved in preparations for the baby eg. batch cooking/sorting baby clothes etc. and during the 'bonding time' gently but confidently say that you DP will be there for birth and you would prefer just the first couple of days at home as a family.

Lollipopstick Tue 05-Apr-16 21:48:01

Do not bring her to the labour. Just tell her after it's born. Don't let her know you're in labour. I would never let my mother into the labour ward (she's very annoying!).

It sounds like she's treating you like a child - what age are you?

You don't have to call her immediately after it's born - you can wait a few hours and enjoy your new baby.

MG35 Tue 05-Apr-16 23:04:42

Thanks the advice has been very helpful I will take on board the advice. My difficulty is mum lives only two streets away to not so easy to fend off as they are often "just passing" and nearly had a nervous breakdown when i said let me know before popping by.

Lollipop stick I'm 35 but I'm an only child following the death of my sibling 16 years ago. I have no other sibs to be on my side regarding unreasonable behaviour so everything is ME!!

I do want her to be part of it but just not the whole process!!! We are depending on granny for childcare so I cannot burn my bridges.

Thanks again I know I need to grow a back bone and tell her, like it or not xxx

seven201 Wed 06-Apr-16 08:21:51

Could you write her a letter so she can't instantly argue back and has to read all of your reasons? Sadly I don't have a mum anymore but there is no way I'd have wanted her to be there when I gave birth - she would have driven me mad! You really do need to put your foot down. Is your dad still around? Could you get him on side?

ItsLikeRainOnYourWeddingDay Wed 06-Apr-16 08:29:18

Do not tell her your in labour and make sure you tell the midwives that only your dh is to be there in case she find out and tries to blag her way in saying "she is asking for me".

After the baby is here set very clear visiting times. You and your dh have to en comfortable in saying you need her to leave. If she is likely to just turn up it is going to wreck havoc with your sleep and routine if she will not sit and wait until baby is finished napping etc. If she has a key to your house take it off her.

CodyKing Wed 06-Apr-16 08:33:33

Also start reducing contact -

Don't answer the phone straight away - return calls a lot later - say no were just on our way out when she calls round -

The more you do it the easier it will be - it's hard when the baby is here and your tired to be assertive - so start now

socktastic Wed 06-Apr-16 08:58:10

How receptive would she be to a frank, honest and calm conversation about it all? I certainly don't want my mum there for any part of the labour, it's something for my husband and me to share on our own. if you're open and honest about your feelings on the matter, do you think she would be accepting of them?

MG35 Wed 06-Apr-16 09:04:07

Seven 201 I think the letter is a good idea and yes dad is good at getting on side thanks.

Itslijerainonyourweddingday me and do have spoken about speaking to the midwife smile and the returning home routine thanks for the tips.

Codyking thanks also for the advice about contact I have done it in the past I know I need keep it up.

Thanks everyone xx

Nishky Wed 06-Apr-16 09:06:10

Please do not let your mother steamroller her way into the first few days it's your baby

voice of bitter experience

SmallBee Wed 06-Apr-16 09:09:36

It's always been said on MN, please have a talk and establish acceptable boundaries now before the baby comes. Once the baby is born you'll be too overwhelmed and it'll be harder to be firm and stand your ground. If you manage expectations now it'll be easier in the long run.

Cuppaand2biscuits Wed 06-Apr-16 09:52:41

I'm very close to my mum, she had specifically said she didn't want to be at the birth. My partner had to go into work when my labour started to tie up loose ends so my mum came and sat with me. I think that it really slowed down my labour. I couldn't let go because I didn't want her to worry. And she kept telling me to go to hospital before I was really ready.
I spent most of my second labour alone and that would be my preferred option again.

MG35 Wed 06-Apr-16 10:03:18

That's exactly how my mum is, I don't want to be concentrating on her worry which can slow the labour down and stress me out!!

Lollipopstick Wed 06-Apr-16 21:53:45

That sounds difficult. I also live around the corner from my mum but luckily she doesn't call too often (as she's quite difficult!).

It must make it harder when you are her only living child as all the focus is on you.

I know people say just establish boundaries and tell her how you feel but it's not always an easy thing to do. My mum would be highly offended if I dared say such a thing- she'd go into a massive sulk - she's not the most rational person.

I have gradually stepped back from her. She used to send huge amount of texts and if I didn't reply instantly I'd get alarmed texts asking if I was ok or am I angry at her and what has she done to upset me. That used to really annoy me! I started leaving long gaps before replying and now she has come to accept this.
I don't answer calls after a certain time. I make up plans that I have or jobs I need to do.

I try to control the time I spend with her to make it bearable. She has got used to the lower level of contact.

I wish it could be another way. If she was like my MIL then I would pop out for lunch and coffee regularly with her.

MG35 Wed 06-Apr-16 22:29:23

Lollipopstick you have hit the nail on the head. It's the emotional breakdown when I don't respond instantly that is so draining. I get the same response as you said when I leave gaps and it's a big fall out. I know it's now or never to set the boundaries before baby comes x

Lollipopstick Wed 06-Apr-16 23:30:49

It sounds cruel but you have to switch off to a certain extent and to try not to care. It took me years to realise I needed to do this.

I used to get very wound up by my mum and we'd end up having big arguments. I've found since I've stopped engaging in any drama or emotional blackmail she has stopped using it so much. Ignoring it worked better for me than confronting it.

It's hard though if she just turns up at your door - my mother doesn't do this. Hopefully if she's minding the baby for you it might limit her need to call to you so much. My parents like to mind my children two days a week but I think they get quite tired and don't have the same need to see them as much on other days - they get a bit fed up of the reality of children crying or fighting all day!

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