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Would I be doing the right thing?

(21 Posts)
Chloeisobelle21 Tue 22-Mar-16 21:57:22

Just after some advice from other mums or even grandparents that may have been or not in this situation before..
I'm 35 weeks pregnant, baby was unplanned, I was seeing a guy for a few months that I genuinely really liked and I thought he liked me too. We had sex and stupidly didn't use anything one time so I got the morning after pill, which failed. Besides trying to get my head around what I wanted to do and the fact I was having another child this guy I was seeing actually scarpered, blocked me on Facebook, whatsapp etc. He told me he isn't interested and that I should of had a termination. I get that this is how he feels and nothing I say or do will change his mind despite me wishing it could, but there is one thing playing On my mind and that's his family. I am pretty much certain he hasn't told his mum/brother/sister etc or if he has he's told them I'm a mental woman and he isn't the dad. But regardless, should I get in contact with his mother and tell her what's happening? It's her grandson after all. I keep thinking if I was her and I didn't know I had a grandson I would be devastated and so bitter that I had missed out. On the other hand I'm thinking is this just opening a big can of worms? I really am not sure what to do for the best here. Not to mention if she did contact me back and said she didn't want any part of his life that would upset me all over again. I just want to do the right thing for my son.

FifiRebel Tue 22-Mar-16 22:27:48

Hi Chloe, I'm in exactly the same situation (21 weeks pregnant). My thoughts have fluctuated throughout the pregnancy about contacting father (he also blocked me on Facebook / Whatsapp) and messaging his mum. I had planned to reach out after the 12 week scan but decided it would probably bring me more stress and upset during the pregnancy.

I'm torn between what to do for my son. I don't want to force a family to acknowledge him, if they might let him down in the future. I'm going to lodge a child maintenance case once the baby is born. I suspect the father will be back in touch then and I'll use his reaction to gauge whether to reach out to family.

Chloeisobelle21 Tue 22-Mar-16 22:50:42

Yea that's what I'm going to do as well, even though I don't like to do it I have to have some kind of financial support. I've thought I'd leave it till baby was born originally but then I also thought maybe that would at least give them some pre-warning if I told them now. Horrible situation to be in isn't it

quitecrunchy Wed 23-Mar-16 08:29:23

What a c**t. Whether he wants to accept it or not he's going to be a father, and that means a new family member for all his family too. Do you know the family? If I were you I think I'd be tempted to send his mum a note saying that you're not looking for anything off them but you'll be happy for them to be part of their grand child's life if they want to be. Best of luck, and definitely pursue him for child support!

LouLou030783 Wed 23-Mar-16 08:42:11

I wasn't in same situation however didn't tell the father for 7 years and even though they all have s relationship now they have never forgiven me for keeping it from them so in all honestly If I was in ur situation id reach out because at least then u have tried

Chloeisobelle21 Wed 23-Mar-16 09:25:08

I don't actually know his mum, the only way I could get into contact would be to message his sister on Facebook and tell her the situation in the hope that she is decent about it. Makes it seem to tacky through a social media site as well to tell them something so important. I just don't want it to backfire on me. At the same time I also don't want them to hold it against me for not telling them IF they have no idea. I already know she has 2 granddaughters from my ex's brother. My ex also said before blocking me not to contact his family at all, and said if I did I'd be a bit of a pyscho woman. He already thinks I'm a bunny boiler for keeping the baby. Just wish he could at least try and make the effort. LouLou thanks for the advice, I just feel like because I've told him he must of also told his family but that's maybe not the case

LouLou030783 Wed 23-Mar-16 09:46:10

Defo he could be saying anything to them it's a hard situation to be in and I completely sympathise with u.u have just got to do what u feel is best for u x

Chloeisobelle21 Wed 23-Mar-16 09:50:40

How do I go about messaging his sister though? I want it to sound mature and friendly. Struggling to think of the words! I really hope his sister will pass the message onto their mum.
Thanks Lou

Ouriana Wed 23-Mar-16 09:57:45

I was in a similar situation years ago and decided to ring his mum when ds was 3/4 months old.
I was very polite, said she was welcome to see her grandson any time she liked and she told me she was busy and to ring back later so I gave her my number and that was the last I ever heard from them.

I was awful at the time and I remember ringing having sweaty palms and shaking hands but years later Im glad I did, even though they havent been in contact. At least I can say I tried and did what was best for my DS.

Just dont get your hopes up!

sepa Wed 23-Mar-16 12:16:38

Not been in your situation but if you message the sister I would suggest not mentioning the baby over messaging and instead ask if she could give you her number/mothers number so you can contact them!

My mum has no contact with her first grandchild (my brother cut my mum out of his life many years ago) and I know that it upsets her but she prefers to know about the child so I would say that on this basis that it's best the family have the choice to get to know about their new family member

Chloeisobelle21 Wed 23-Mar-16 12:36:53

Thanks sepa that's a really good idea actually, I will just ask for her phone number rather than telling his sister about the baby. I didn't think of that. I'm really hoping they want to be involved, I can't quite understand why grandparents shut themselves off like the father sometimes

Chattymummyhere Wed 23-Mar-16 13:40:47

Not been in your situation however if I got a message off someone saying they where having/had my brothers baby I might not respond straight away, I certainly wouldn't be giving out my mothers phone number without asking her first but I would certainly tell her I had got a message even if I thought it might not be true.

I would also have strong words with my brother for being a jackass and abandoning his child if it was his.

kiki22 Wed 23-Mar-16 18:45:28

My niece has never met her father or his family by their choice, once she got to school age and started to notice the difference in her family to others she started asking about her dad and grandparents, we have always been honestly able to say they have an email address for contact but have never tried to arrange it, so she has never felt any anger toward any of us she doesn't even feel much about them since she doesn't know them. We also have all emails saved with them saying they will come every 9-12 months then not getting back to us so when she grows up she knows we kept it open for her and they can't say otherwise.

I guess my point is if you get in touch and they don't believe you or don't want to know you can say you tried and keep msgs as proof. Do you care if they think you are a bunny boiler I wouldn't at all.

I would say to the sister I'm pregnant, it's your brothers I'm just letting you and your parents know, I expect nothing and agree to a DNA test. If you want to discuss it let me know if I don't hear back I won't contact you again. Keep it simple and to the point don't try to be friendly keep it formal and try to keep your emotions of of it.

Chloeisobelle21 Wed 23-Mar-16 20:03:24

I'm stashing all these points in my head. I don't know if I have the courage to message her! I feel so scared. I feel like as soon as I do my ex will get into contact and be furious because I've done it.
Still debating whether to wait until the baby is born but in some ways would rather them get their heads around it before then...

Chattymummyhere Wed 23-Mar-16 21:20:47

Just keep it simple.

"Hi

I don't know if X has ever mentioned me before however we where together and I am currently X weeks pregnant with his child, he has decided to ignore this. I don't know if he has told any of the family. I accept that you may not wish to have any contact with me or the child but if you or any of your family would like to meet him/her when he/she is born I am more than happy to facilitate a relationship between him/her and your family. If you have any questions or would like a phone number to talk to me feel free to message me at anytime."

KayTee87 Wed 23-Mar-16 21:34:26

Just to add there's no guarantee she will see a Facebook message. Messages from people I'm not friends with go into a junk box that I never see unless I log on via laptop and search the folder. Good luck.

Chloeisobelle21 Thu 24-Mar-16 09:00:17

No this is true sad
It's the only way I can contact her because I can't find numbers unless I looked in the yellow pages. Seems a bit pointless doesn't it, I just feel like they are going to ridicule me. A lot of my confidence has been lost due to all this happening. I wish I had an address so I could write them a letter.

sepa Thu 24-Mar-16 11:46:28

Facebook now message you if you get a message from someone not on your friends list!
The main thing is that your doing what is right for your baby!

If you want you could write a draft on here and we can look through before you send any messages just so you have another opnion before you send it if your worried about it?

ExtraHotLatteToGo Thu 24-Mar-16 11:55:22

I wouldn't contact them.

If he's choosing not to get involved, then he's choosing that for his family as well, that's not your doing.

You might be bringing years worth of hassle into your own life and that of your child.

dottydimples Thu 24-Mar-16 16:26:35

I just want to give you a big cuddle! What a horrible man. Maybe he freaked out at first and that's the reason for his actions of blocking you and saying what he said.

If I was in your shoes, I would genuinely send the sister a message. Chattymummy's template looks good. It's straight to the point and doesn't come across as though you're just trying to stir things. It looks as though your just saying "this has happened, if you want to be part of if then please let me know".

If I received a message from one of my brothers exs about this, I would be shocked, and maybe wouldn't reply straight away, but I would definitely have it on my mind and would share it with my mother. That way, everyone knows and if they don't want to be involved it's completely their choice. I'd obviously have words with my brother too.

To be honest, it takes 2 to tango and if he likes it or not, this situation is half of his doing.

If you contact his family - you've tried. If they choose not to be part of your little one's life then that is their decision and you can carry on in peace. thanks

Chloeisobelle21 Mon 28-Mar-16 22:07:43

Thank you for the replies, I think I will contact her as I definitely think she has a right to know and it won't keep bothering me. I was going to say something like this to his sister -
Hello, sorry to have too randomly message you but I feel like I need to at least contact you. I have no way of contacting your mum as I don't have her details and only by chance found you on Facebook. I don't know if you've ever heard of me or if your brother (Sam) has ever mentioned me before to you but I'm 35 weeks pregnant and your brother is the father. He has told me he doesn't want anything to do with the baby which I have accepted as his choice but I don't want the baby to be kept a secret as its part of your family too. Like I said I have no idea if Sam has said anything to you or if he has then what he's said but I can't just leave things in case he hasn't told you and I would rather your family actually know. This message is just to basically say that if you or your mum ever wanted contact then I have no problems with that at all. I just want what's best for the baby. sorry to spring all this upon you if you don't already know, I wish there was a better way to contact but this is all I have. If I don't hear from you in the next few weeks I won contact you again.

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